Title: Coming to Collect
Author: Mandy Green
Fandom: Andromeda
Rating: R
Pairing: Harper/Rommie
Warning: Spanking/Mention of slash
Disclaimer: Yeah, right. I don't even claim to own this story: the evil brain fairies left with my head and when it returned this was on my 'puter.
Note: Okay, I don't know what possessed me but I wrote a sequel to 'Mess Deck Munching'. I must have been sniffing the bathroom cleaner too long or something. Or maybe I just need a silly fic to counteract the effects of all that romance and adventure. Who knows? Who cares?
COMING TO COLLECT
By Mandy Green
"Mwuh, whazzit?" Harper staggered over to his door and opened it. He blinked at the light from the corridor and then blearily focused on the large and imposing figure of Tyr Anasazi. "Hi Tyr, what's up?"
"I've come to collect."
"Collect what?"
Rommie appeared in the doorway, holding a can of Sparky cola. "Remember a couple of weeks ago when Mandy was stoned on cough medicine and shnapps?"
"Uh oh. This is the sequel to 'Mess Deck Munching?" Harper asked. Tyr just grinned. "Oh jeeze, she said she wasn't going to do a sequel."
"She lied." Rommie smiled brightly. "Now would you mind slipping out of those boxers and bending over? I've never got to watch you and Tyr going at it."
"I think you have," Tyr said. "What about 'Pouncing on People'?"
Rommie blushed. "That wasn't me watching: that was the other me."
"*Excuse me*? 'Bend over'? No flowers, no foreplay? Do I even get lube?" Harper squeaked.
Tyr rolled his eyes. "I knew this was a mistake."
"Oh Tyr, don't be a spoilsport. I want to find out what makes Tyr/Harper slash so popular. Why don't you go polish one of your big guns until you're in the mood, and I'll get Harper warmed up for you?"
Tyr's gaze softened at the thought of his beloved guns and he nodded, striding off in search of a tin of Brasso and a soft cloth.
"I don't suppose there's any chance of you letting me put a privacy seal around the room so he can't get back in?" Harper asked.
"Nope."
Harper sighed, "Didn't think so. It's not that I don't enjoy Moonloon fics, it that they're always so.vigorous. I just don't have the stamina to keep up with him."
Rommie snickered. "Not a problem for me. By the way; did I ever thank you for upgrading my batteries to 'Duracell'?"
"Not yet. You could start by *not* opening that can of Sparky."
"I thought you liked the Sparky cola blow-job."
"I did, but that can is unopened. Do you know how much it burns when it's that fizzy? You have to open it and let it sit for about half an hour to get it just right."
"Oh." Rommie put down the can and looked at Harper. "So how about playing with my force-lance?"
"You don't have a force-lance, and besides: that line is *such* a cliché. The force-lance fic wasn't even by Her anyway. That was someone else's pseudonym."
"Um, so what do we do for foreplay anyway? I mostly just get cyber sex or gushy shipper with Dylan." Rommie started stripping off her clothes.
"Well what do you do with Tyr?"
"Normally I disarm him and throw him on the bed. Or, if he's feeling romantic, he lets me catalogue his weapons. He gets very turned on when I lick the muzzle of his Really Big Gun."
"Ack! Not helping Rommie, although the nudity is nice." Harper leered appreciatively at Rommie's naked body.
"Really? It's not as if you haven't seen me naked before. If I'm not mistaken you have a number of images stored in your personal files that you took while you were building me. I quite like the picture of me dressed as a french maid, although my favourite has to be 'Gestapo Chic'."
"You know about those? You weren't turned on. I mean plugged in. I mean."
"Shut up Harper," Rommie said, gripping a double handful of Harper's boxers and ripping them right off. "Bed. Now."
"Okay." Haper scrambled over to the bed and climbed on. "So did you decide about foreplay? Kissing? Groping? Fun with food?"
"Spanking."
"Spanking! Why?"
"Ask Her. It's one of Her kinks. She had Beka spank me a couple of weeks ago and it was fun."
"She did?" Harper perked up. "I don't remember that."
"It was under her Epiphany nick."
"Another pseudonym? How many personalities does this chick have?"
"Four that I know of; five if you count her maryavatar user ID."
"Freakin' schizo."
*SLAP!*
"Ow! Rommie, warn a guy, willl ya?"
*SLAP!*
"Like she'd let me warn you after you called her a name? Really Harper, you're lucky she didn't change her mind about the force-lance. Or morph into Vesper."
"Shhhh! Rommie please don't say that name out loud."
*SLAP!*
"What? VESPER?"
*SLAP SLAP!*
"Owwww! Rom-mie! Don't invoke the 'V' persona. You know that's the evil side."
*SLAP!*
"I don't know about evil; kinky maybe. 'Hunting Harper' generated a lot of positive feedback."
"Oh yeah," Harper said rolling his eyes, "It's all about the feedback, never mind the fact that I had 'environmental systems access hatch' embossed between my shoulder blades for three days afterwards."
*SLAP!*
"Ow!"
"You know.your ass looks rather pretty with all these red handprints on it."
"Pretty. Thanks. Lets just reinforce the stereotype on me as the cute little bottom slut, shall we? Just once I'd like to be top."
*SLAP!*
"You did top once."
"Okay, once. Out of how many? She has to have written at least thirty sex scenes between me and Tyr and I got to top once."
"The spanking isn't doing much for you, is it?"
"No. I'm just sore and annoyed."
"Damn. It got me hot though. Think you could find my primary sexual interface node again?"
Harper grinned, "If I have to."
"Oh, you have to." Rommie pushed Harper over so he lay flat on his back and sat on his face. The flailing arms indicated a problem and she sat back a little. "What?"
"Air. Need. To. Breathe." Harper sucked in air, fading back though blue, purple and red to his normal pasty complexion.
"Oops, sorry."
Tyr stuck his head around the door. "Is he ready yet?"
"No." Rommie replied.
"YES!" Harper shouted. "No offense Rommie, but a Moonloon fic on a bad day has to be better than your idea of foreplay. C'mon Tyr, gimme your best shot!"
The end
Andromeda Uncovered