TITLE: THREE LITTLE WORDS 5: GROWN MEN DON'T CRY

AUTHOR: PEJA

FANDOM: The Sentinel

PAIRING: Blair/OMC, Implied Blair/Jim Jim/Rafe Rafe/Blair

RATING: Overall...NC-17/bondage This seg....R

SUMMARY: When there is only pain, love withers and dies

FEEDBACK Here's the deal....No feedback and the story ends. You hold the balance of power for Blair, Rafe and Jim

EMAIL: daltonavon@yahoo.com

DISCLAIMER: Not mine, but I could do real interesting things to them if they'd reconsider.

ARCHIVE: PEJA's Ravings. Others ask, I'm considering taking my work off the net, so I’m not sure if I'd be willing to pass this out at all..

WEBSITE: http://internetdump.com/users/daltonavon

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is an AU. Jim fathered Alex' child in Peru and is now raising the babe, sans Sandburg.

WARNINGS: Blair does a naughty thing and blood ensues. Sanity does not live here anymore

"No." Blair's wide eyed gaze swept over the paddles, the canes, the floggers and whips of every shape and design imaginable. "No." He shook his head violently. "No, I can't. I can't." he whispered, backing into Jim in his haste to escape.

"Shush, Blair," Jim's arms wrapped around him, securing him. "This is the best of both worlds, don't you see? Pain with love." Jim smoothed the riotous curls. "Sure you can, Chief."

"Don't call me that," Blair hissed, his body trembling violently as he struggled to contain his panic."

Jim's arms tightened around Blair. "What do you want me to call you?"

"Romeo. I'm Romeo." The edge of despair sharpened Blair's answer. "That other one is dead and gone. Buried, do you hear me?"

"No, Blair." Jim's fingers bite into Blair's forearms as he pulled him back tight against his chest. He brushed the curls away, giving him access to Blair's sweet neck and nuzzled just behind his ear, "You are still Blair. My sweet Blair. That person you were these last few months, he's the one that's dead. Dead and gone. You're reborn. Safe."

"I can't do this. I can't..." Blair rasped, shaking his head.

Jim turned him in his arms, tipping his chin up. "What can't you do, Chief? You're not making any sense."

"I won't let you make this happen." He jerked his head away. "I won't let you make things nice."

Jim caught Blair's face between gentle hands and kissed the corner of his quivering lips. "I don't understand, Chief. Talk to me. What's going on in your head?"

"You don't understand, huh?" Blair snorted a harsh laugh. "I don't care. I won't care. I won't let you back in. Do you hear me? I won't fall into that trap again. I won't let you....tear out my soul."

"I hear you, Sandburg." Jim's fingers curled deeply into Blair's arms and he slammed the smaller man into the closet door. "Now you hear me. Neither one of us is good without the other. You need me and I sure as hell need you. Do you read me loud and clear? You are not going to throw us away because you're scared."

Blair's lips curled, blue eyes spitting contempt. "How are you going to stop me? Tie me to that bed until I'm too old to run away?"

Jim leaned in close, a snarl parting his lips "If that's what it takes. I am not going to let you run away from us again"

Blair's entire body quivered under the rage he faced. "I hate you, Ellison. I really hate you."

"You love me, Darwin." Jim roared, shaking the smaller man by his arms.

"Jim," Rafe interceded, prying Blair away from the big detective. "Stop it, Jim. What in the hell are you doing, Ellison?"

Jim back-stepped, wavering under the burning rage filling him. "Blair," he began than stopped, seeing the stark fear reflected in the hollowed face. "Oh, god, Blair." His trembling hand reached for Blair, but the smaller man cringed away.

Jim's wounded gaze darted to the other man. "Rafe..."

"It's okay, Jim," Rafe soothed Ellison with a gentling voice, soothed Blair by smoothing small circles over trembling back and shoulders. "Blair loves you, don't ya, Blair?

Blair's gaze blazed with a very opposite emotion, until he met Jim's eyes. A shudder took him as he recognized the crystalline grief spilling over Jim's lashes, flowing down the rugged crags of the older man's face.

The spitfire anger rolled away under a wash of horror and he reached out a cautious finger to capture one diamond drop. "Jim?" he mouthed his sentinel's name, unable to push sound into the word.

His confused glance wavered, darted to Rafe, pleading for some word of explanation.

Rafe wrapped an arm around Jim's shoulder and the bigger man slumped into the protection of his lover's embrace. "Its okay, Ellison." Rafe gathered the other man close, soothing small circles over his back. "Every things going to be just fine."

Jim shook his head. "No. It's never gonna be okay again. he's right. I fucked up. Ruined what we could have had. Just like I'm ruining everything now. Just like I always...." A sob choked off his words and he shook his head. "Dammit, Rafe, take him back. If you use the sirens he might be able to still make the...." His shoulders shook as he stumbled blindly away.

Rafe stared after his lover for a moment, then looked to Blair. "That what you want too?"

"Yeah," Blair rasped. "I want to get the hell out of here. Now."

Snorting, Rafe shook his head. "Your loss." He leaned down, opened the bottom drawer of the closet and tossed Blair's clothes and shoes at him. "Get dressed," he said, leaning a hip against the dresser behind him and crossed his arms, his dark eyes spearing the younger man.

"You...." Blair swallowed hard. "You gonna turn around?"

Rafe smirked. "Jim wasn't big on letting me see you while he was still interested in getting you into his bed. Now he's sending you away, guess I deserve to see what's had him tied up in knots all these months. Not like you don't show it around to anyone willing to pay, right?"

Fingers tightening around the afghan, Blair threw a nervous glance toward the door Jim had fled out of moments before.

"He's hurting big time, Blair. You did that to him. He's not going to come save ya. Not from me." Rafe waved a hand toward him, waggling his fingers. "Come on, drop the blanket and give me a little lookie see.

"You really want to rub my nose in this, don't you, Rafe?"

The lean cop shrugged lazily, with one shoulder. "You never should have surfaced, Sandburg. Jim was just coming around to living again. Just starting to see there was life after you and up you pop like a dead body back from the dead." Rafe shook his head, chuckling, "But you do that, don't ya? You keep coming back from the dead. And every time you do you drive another spike in his heart."

"I drive a spike in his heart?" Blair sputtered. "Me?"

"Sure, try to turn it around why don't ya. Poor Blair. Big bad Jim Ellison smacked you on the fingers and you go pout at the U. Big bad Jim tells you he has responsibilities, and you fake your death and run away."

"I never faked my death."

"What do you call it, Sandburg? You dump your car. You dump your I.D. You dump your best friend without a word and vanish off the face of the earth. You fucked up, brat, Jim died a thousand times thinking you were kidnapped. He turned the city, then the state up-side down trying to find you. When the days turned into weeks and the weeks to months and there wasn't any word, he thought you were dead. He would have died then too, if I hadn't caught onto what was happening to him. I pulled him back, gave him at least a little reason to live. And then what happens. Up you pop and destroy everything we'd been building together." Rafe sighed, "Ah, you're never gonna get it, are ya?"

"Sure, man. I get it." Blair's fingers trembled, then loosened. "This what ya want?" The Afghan drifted to puddle at his feet. "Want me to turn around, Rafe? Give you the full effect?"

Rafe's dark gaze smoldered and he swallowed hard. "Christ, you really are a slut, aren't you?"

"That's right, detective," Blair said, his voice dead. "I really am a slut." He lifted his hair, tipping back his head to expose his slender neck. "You like what you see, detective?" he asked in a smoky voice. One hand drifted the length of his neck down his chest and teased one nipple erect. He foraged forward, teasing the other with practiced ease. "Want to suck 'em, detective?" he invited. "My tits ache for a little attention. Come one, big boy, suckle me. Make me tingle." His fingers cradled his cock and balls. "Make me hard."

Rafe's gaze locked on the limp cock and balls Blair rolled in his hand. "Thought you needed pain to...."

"You got enough rage inside ya to give me what I need, right, detective? You're pissed enough to...."

"Yeah, I am," Rafe admitted. "Get you're clothes on."

Blair hesitated, his gaze wavering. "On? Rafe, are you sure you want me to do that?"

Rafe pushed away from the dresser. "I said it, didn't I? Hurry up, damn you. I'll be waiting in the other room.

"Sure, boss. Whatever you say." Blair chuckled, watching Rafe stride away. "Hey, does this mean I don't get paid for the peep show?" he added as Rafe disappeared out of the room.

Alone at last, Blair reached down and crushed his shirt in a tight fist. "Hold on, Romeo," he murmured, shrugging into the crumpled shirt and buttoning the bottom three buttons, leaving his furred chest exposed. Another heartbeat had him snapping up his bluejeans and forcing his feet into socks and shoes.

Drawing a deep breath, he gently closed one closet door then reached for the other. The black pearl handle caught his eye, drawing his hand. His fingers trembled as they closed around the straight-edge. Breath hissed in his lungs as he flicked the blade open. He ran his thumb down the razor, slicing a narrow wound. Blue eyes widened, watching the blood well up and trickle down his thumb toward his wrist.

Stuffing the bloodied thumb into his mouth, he sucked hard, hollowing his already lean cheeks to get as much of the taste of his pain as he could. A muffled sigh of delight escaped his suckling lips.

His curious glance touched the gleaming razor and found a trace of blood smeared across it. He pinched the blade between his thumb and forefinger and drew it through, nicking them both in the process.

More blood flowed. This time two fingers plunged between his generous lips and he darted a furrowed glance at the door, listening intently for sounds that might announce an enraged Ellison pounding across the floor toward him.

Sighing his disappointed relief, Blair snapped the blade home and thrust it into his hip pocket. "Later, little buddy," he murmured, patting the pocket where the razor rested.

"You about ready in here, Sandburg?" Rafe said from the door, startling Blair out of his thoughts.

"Yeah, right with ya," he returned, easing the second closet door closed. "Nice assortment of toys you got there."

Rafe's gaze narrowed on the innocent face Blair was wearing.

Forcing a casual smile, Blair sprinted across the room. "Hey, come on, then. Lets blow this pop stand." He brushed past the detective and skidded to a halt.

Jim sat on the sofa, his three month old son clasped to his chest as he rocked back and forth. A soft tuneless melody drifted around father and son. The only sign that Jim was not in a complete zoneout.

"Leave him alone, Sandburg. Give him that dignity." Rafe's hard fingers curled around Blair's forearm, steering him toward the door.

Blair was out the front door and bustled into Rafe's car before he could respond. Rafe fired the engine and hit the gas as Blair swiveled in the seat to watch the cabin disappear around the first curve in the road.

"My car...?" he protested suddenly remembering he'd driven here himself.

"I'll have it delivered to the escort service later this afternoon."

Nodding, Blair twisted front and watched the first few miles speed past his window. "Jim will be okay."

Rafe threw him a dark glare and Blair retreated back into silence.

A couple miles more and Rafe sighed. "You are doing the right thing."

"You think so?" Blair asked, his voice full of doubt.

"Sure," Rafe's smile was cold. "It's time Jim stopped slumming."

Blair recoiled as though he'd been slapped. "Slumming..."

"Well sure. One of your problems, as far as Jim's dad was concerned was he didn't want his son with someone from the wrong side of the tracks." Rafe continued. "Old man Ellison may not like the fact Jim's chosen a man to take as his lifepartner, but he's willing to accept me. I mean, we come from the same station in life, you know?'

"Wrong side of the tracks..?"

"You know what I mean, kid." Rafe grinned. "Jim may work as a cop, but he comes from class. Same as me."

"C....Class?" Blair choked back the sickness welling in his throat.

"Money, kid. Money. You've seen the Ellison estate. You know Jim's not the joe shmoe he likes to pretend he is." Rafe eyed Blair with a cocky grin. "But then neither are you, are you, Sandburg? Course you get your money from the wrong end of the bank, I guess. How deep is your family into organized crime, Sandburg? Your mom part of it?"

"You leave my mom out of your vile imaginings, Rafe."

"I've always wondered how she swang that high flier life style. Being a courier would do the trick."

"Mom's not involved in anything," Blair rasped.

"She pulled off that scam with the car theft ring like she knew what she was doing," Rafe reflected.

"Drop it, Rafe. My uncle takes care of Naomi."

"Oh, so its your uncle...your cousin..." Rafe nodded. "Your father, maybe?"

Blair turned his face toward the window, retreating from the detective's taunts the only way he could.

And another few miles sped by.

"Here," Rafe thrust his cell phone toward Blair. "You might want to call that Nick guy your so eager to get back to. Let him know the wedding's back on so he can call your guests and...."

"No need."

"No? Why's that?"

Blair shrugged. "No guests."

"You don't want your friends to witness your commitment vows?"

"No."

Rafe slowed the car. "Why's that?"

"Don't you have anything better to do than pry into my life?"

Rafe considered that a moment, then grinned. "Not at the moment. So why no friends at the ceremony?"

Blair turned his face to the side window, shrugging.

The car jerked onto the verge of the road, unbalancing Blair so he fell against Rafe. The detective caught Blair by the forearms and twisted him round to face him. "Stop playing games, Sandburg."

"Don't touch me." Blair cringed away from him, pressing deeply into the corner of seat and door. "I don't...want to be....touched." He ducked his head, hiding behind the long curls, hysteria touching his voice.

"Blair, what's this all about."

"Start the car." Blair wrapped his arms around his waist. "Please, just start the car."

"Not until we talk, Blair. Not until you tell me why your getting married to this guy without your friends there to see it."

Blair shook his head, murmuring words too softly to be heard.

Rafe curled a finger under Blair's chin.

"Don't touch me." Blair screamed, wrenching his head away, staring from wild eyes at the confused man. "Just don't....touch..me..."

"Okay," Rafe said, holding his hands up in front of him. "Okay. I won't touch you as long as you answer my questions. Is that fair enough?"

"My life," Blair whispered, rocking gently. "I don't have to let you in." The rocking increased. "I don't have to let anyone in. It's my life."

"Yeah, Blair. Its your life. Your lonely life."

Blair cut him a darting glance. "What do you know about it?"

Rafe chuckled sadly. "More than you could ever imagine."

"Yeah, right."

"Tell me, Blair. Who were you sharing your special day with? Who have you invited to the vows?"

"Nick." The rocking slowed. "Just Nick."

"No friends?"

Blair stared stonily down at his twisting hands.

"No family?"

The silence remained unbroken.

"Blair, who were your witnesses?"

Frantic eyes darted, searching for escape

"Blair?"

"I don't know, okay?" Blair screamed. "Figured we'd grab a couple TSRs off the phones, give 'em some time out of the office. Happy now? Will ya start the car now?"

"Oh, Jesus," Rafe scrubbed his face with his hands. "Blair, why no friends? Why so impersonal?"

Blair curtained himself behind thick curls. "Why not."

"Blair, I know you. I watched you work your magic with everyone who ever fell into the range of your charisma. I saw those people learn in a heartbeat to respect you. Too love you. And I saw those same people go through hell when you disappeared. If your friends knew you were getting married there would be no way to keep them away. So why no friends? Dammit, Blair, answer me."

"Don't want anyone to touch me," Blair murmured, digging his nails into his wrist. "Don't want anyone to come near me. Never again. Never again."

"Jesus..." Hitting the safety lock, Rafe kept one eye on the rocking man beside him as he turned the key in the ignition, revved the engine and turned the car around.

end part 5

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P> So what's it to be? Tell me your thoughts, impressions? Where does the story go?