Title: The Daily Life of Darien Fawkes: Too much TV

Author: Lylia

Rating: PG13? some swearing

Summary: I've been reading all those Jerry Springer fics and this one kept bumping around in my head so Im writing it, I thought it was funny at the time but Im not so sure anymore. (Hey, anything becomes funny when your stuck in Physics class for four hours.)

Disclaimer: I wish I owned them, but alas, I don't. Im pretty sure the SCIFI channel does. Im not making money on this.

Thanks: My Beta Readers! Joanne, Echo, and Evarra. Thank you! Thank you!

The Daily Life of Darien Fawkes: Too much TV
by Lylia

Darien came home from a long night of Baddie butt kicking and he was tired. Not bothering to take off his clothes, he fell into bed. He was off in dream world before his head even hit the pillow.

*

Darien: (waking up) What time is it? (Looks at clock) Damn! I'm late.

Darien gets up and gets dressed quickly. Goes to the bathroom door and steps into a backstage area of Forgive or Forget.

Darien: (Looks around) What the..

Crewman: (interrupts) So you showed up, I wouldn't have but, whatever. Stand behind the door and wait until they open it. (walks away)

Darien: Wait! Where am I?

The door in front of him opens, audience cheers. Darien walks out, confused. Sees Arnaud (the baddie who killed his brother in the pilot) and launches himself at him.

Darien: Son of a Bitch! (Crew members pull him off Arnaud) Your supposed to be blown up!

Both sit down on as far apart as possible.

Arnaud: (Pouty face) I know, but the author likes me and she brought me back. (reluctant to continue because of the looks he's getting from Darien)

Mother Love: Isn't there something you'd like to tell Darien.

Arnaud: Yeah, Since then I've attended lots of counseling, that's why your here, actually.

Darien: (Looking around for a pointy object) What the hell are you talking about?

Arnaud: I'd like to move past that part of my life and my psychologist says in order to do that I need to apologize to the people that I did wrong to.

Darien: You killed my brother! What do you want?

Arnaud: Its not like you really liked him THAT much, is it?

Darien: Why you stupid little-- (Jumps on him, fists flying. Crewmen have to pull him off again. Darien shrugs them off, straightens his clothes and sits back down.)

Arnaud: Please man! Why can't we all just get along?! (Starts sobbing. Gets down on his knees, holding on to the cuffs of Darien's pants.) I'm so sorry! Please forgive me! My parents never loved me. My dog Rex ran away when I was eight. All the kids at school used to call me stinkypants. (Starts wailing.)

Darien: Let go of me you freak! I said LET GO! (Kicks him in the head. Arnaud soars through the air and hits the wall .) Wait here while I get my gun.

Arnaud: (amazingly still conscious) *sniffle* Ok.

Darien heads to the parking lot to his car, which, by some coincidence is parked right in front.

Darien: Funny, I don't even remember driving it here *shrug* oh well. (Gets his gun and walks back toward the studio.)

Darien opens the door and appears on the set of the Maury Show.

Maury: Now lets meet him! Darien! (Audience hoots and hollers.)

Darien looks around and sees The Official sitting in a chair with the ever-present Eberts faithfully standing behind him.

Maury: Take a seat Darien (points to the seat next to The Official.)

Darien: (Sits) Is this going to take long? I was sorta in the middle of something important.

Maury: Do you have any idea why your here, Darien?

Darien: (Looks at The Official and shrugs) I don't know.

Official: Darien, I have something very important to tell you.

Darien:( Confused) Ok....

Official: Darien....I'm your father.

Darien: What? Listen I don't have time for this, I've got a wussy to murder.

Official: (getting all teary eyed) I'm serious.

Darien: Listen, your not my Dad.

Official: Yes, I am.

Darien: No, your not.

: Am too.

Darien: Are not.

Official: AM TOO!!!

Darien: ARE NOT!!! ARE NOT!!! ARE NOT!!!!

Official: Am too infinity!!! (Smiles smugly)

Darien: Listen, I'm not playing this game anymore. Your not my father, I know my father, and your not him.

Official: (Weeping) Lies. *sob* All lies.

Eberts: (Patting the Official on the back.) That's ok Dad, let it all out.

Darien: Dad?

Eberts: That's right, Bro.

Darien: Listen, your not my Brother, he's not my Father and I'm leaving.

Eberts: But but, we were going to go back to my place and have smores and look at old photo albums.

Darien: Whatever. Have fun. (Leaves the way he came in and tries to find his way back to Arnaud)

Hobbes: Fawkes! (walks over to him) I'm glad you showed up, you ready?

Darien: Ready for what? Can this wait awhile? (Waves his gun around) I've got places to be and bad guys to maim. It turns out Arnaud is alive.

Hobbes: Who's he?

Darien: The guy who killed my brother!

Hobbes: I thought that was someone else.

Darien: It's his fault !

Hobbes: Oh, then I thought he got blown up.

Darien: Me too. Anyway, long story. See you later.

Hobbes: No wait! This will just take a minute. (Pulls him through a door)

Once again the audience starts to cheer, except, this time its more wild and rowdy. That's right, Jerry Springer.

Jerry: Come on in Bobby, and is this your (makes air quotes) partner.

Bobby: Yeah, this is him. Wait, not the way you think, I mean were partners but we work together.

Someone from the crowd: Just admit it honey! (Audience cheers)

Jerry: Then why exactly are you here, if not to confess you love to....Who are you? (Darien just rolls his eyes and throws himself in a chair)

Bobby: He's here for moral support.

Jerry: Oh. Do we let you guys do that now? Oh well. Tell us why your here then.

Bobby: I'm here to confess my undying love to a very special women.

Jerry: Lets bring her out! The Keeper!

The Keeper comes out looking very nervous. She takes a seat next to Hobbes.

Keeper: Hi

Jerry: Well, Bobby here has something important to tell you.

Hobbes: Keeper, I love you. Will you marry me?

Keeper just stares at him for a couple seconds then starts rolling on the floor laughing.

Darien: That's what your here for? Are you an idiot? You don't even call her by her first name and now you want to marry her? (Hobbes looks like he's ready to cry)

Keeper: Wait, he was serious? (Gets up off the floor and sits back into her seat) Hobbes, I'm sorry, but I don't love you. Besides, I'm taken.

(She shows him her hand, on it rests a decoder ring, the kind you get from a cracker jack box)

Jerry: Lets meet her fiancée!! (Crowd cheers and out walks The Official, Eberts following behind him)

Hobbes: Why you stupid ugly-- (Jumps at The Official, Eberts Gets in front of him, beating Hobbes off with a folder.)

Crewmen stop the fight and everyone sits down.

Keeper: Huggie Bear! Are you all right? (Gives Hobbes an evil look. He doesn't see, he's too busy crying on Darien's shoulder. Darien just looks up at the sky mouthing "why me?")

Official: I'm fine, Sweet pea.

Darien: You guys are joking, right?

Official: No Son, I'm not. Claire is going to be your new mommy. Please be happy for us.

Darien: I'm not your son!

Eberts: Its ok dad, *IM* happy for you.

Keeper: (Pats Eberts on the hand) Thank you honey, at least someone is. (Eberts gives Darien a "mommy loves me more than you" look. Darien waves his gun at him, smiling. Eberts stops.)

Darien: (Slouches in his chair ) Eberts, what are you doing here anyway?

Your such a little brown-noser.

Keeper: Darien!

Official: Don't talk to your brother like that!

Darien: He's not my br-

Eberts: (interrupts) Actually, I have a secret of my own. Mom, Dad, Bro.

Darien: I'm not your god damned brother you little prick!

Keeper: That's it mister! Your on restriction! No TV for a week!

Darien: What?! Are you all on drugs?

Keeper: (Ignores Darien. To Eberts) Go on Sweetheart.

Eberts: Well. As we all know, the agency doesn't pay very good money. These days were living in a material world, and I am a material girl....er, boy...man, whatever. I'm a working on the side as an exotic Dancer.

Official: What!? No boy of mine is going to be a stripper!

Eberts: (In his most whiny voice) Daaaaaddd!! Exotic Dancer, and you cant tell me what to do! Im a grown women! Man, I mean! You have to let me make by own choices!

Official: (grumbling, looks at Darien) At least I have one normal son.

Darien: (About to open his mouth correct him for the umpteenth time that day, but decides against it. Instead, he just shoots a annoyed look at Hobbes who is still crying like a baby on his shoulder)

Keeper: Normal? Isn't he the one that goes invisible?

The Official ignores her, muttering something to himself. Music starts playing in the room.

Overcom: Im too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt so sexy, yeah.

Eberts: (Gets excited) They're playing my song!

He Stand up and starts to dance something like the bunny hop, the macarena and the tootsie roll all mixed together, with a little moonwalking thrown in for good measure. (Scary? You bet!)

The Official and the Keeper hold hands and make lovey eyes at each other. Eberts, now stripped to his boxers and socks, encourages the audience to sing along with him. Hobbes still cries on Darien's jacket. And Darien's eyes look to the sky, no doubt trying to find the author who put him through this.

Darien: Hobbes? I think I have something that's going to cheer you up.

Hobbes: (sniffle) I don't think so. (Cries some more)

Darien: Wanna go find Arnaud and help me pummel him? (Gets up)

Hobbes: (Stands up also) Awe, you'd really let me help you? Gee, Fawkes, your swell.

Darien: What are partners for? Lets go.

Hobbes: (Gets a weird look on his face) Darien, will YOU marry me?

Darien: Um, no. But ask me again in 5 years, if I'm not already married by then.

Hobbes: Ok.

They both walk off.

*

RRRRIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGG!!!!!!

Darien tossed in his sleep.

RRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGG!!!!!!

"Shut up!" He mumbled from somewhere beneath the blankets.

RRRRIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGG!!!!!

A hand emerged from under the covers and snatched the phone off its rocker.

"What?!" He said not too kindly. He was rewarded by the voice of Hobbes, his paranoid, annoying partner who, to his amazement, he was actually starting to like.

"Wakey, Wakey, Fawkes." Ok, scratch that, Hobbes was definitely not likable. "We got a job."

"Already? Can't you just leave me alone and let me sleep?" He growled

"Sorry, but no. The Official said to be here in thirty minutes or he's gonna bust your butt." And with that Hobbes hung up.

"Ugh, Who does the boss think he is? My Dad?" A weird feeling came over him, like a memory, but it was gone before he had a chance to expand on it. Grabbing his jacket he headed out the door

THE END