TITLE: Stuff Me, Shoot Me, Mount Me

AUTHORS: Zusblue and Esme.

EMAIL: zusblue@yahoo.co.uk & akiyah2000@yahoo.co.uk

DISTRIBUTION: Nummytreats, Slashthemen, m-mslashaholics and Esme's new site http://www.shadows-and-dust.co.uk

SUMMARY: Spike and Xander make a wager that will change the way they think of each other forever.

RATING: R at the moment, just to be on the safe side.

DISCLAIMER: All characters are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy etc. We're just playing with them for a while, we promise to give them back unharmed and relatively sane when we're done. We're not making any money from this.

NOTES: This is a response to an idea from Stephanie Hiding. Spike and Xander make a wager that Spike isn't able to seduce the Scoobies. ALL of the Scoobies.

FEEDBACK: Yes please, but to zusblue@yahoo.co.uk for this part. It was zus that wrote it.


Stuff Me, Shoot Me, Mount Me 1: The Wager

"So okay Spike, you're the Big Bad. I get that, you know. dark, dangerous, evil killer guy. I get that, I do. Going out murdering innocent humans, yada yada. But what's the point? You meet em, greet em and kill em. What's the appeal, really, I wanna know.. What makes you do it, apart from the blood? I know you need the blood, but you don't have to kill people for that. Angel doesn't kill people." Said Xander putting the two beer bottles he'd just purchased on the table in front of them.

It had been a hard night, with one nest of demons efficiently killed by the remaining Scoobies. Heading home tired and bruised, Spike had suggested a few beers at the Bronze and some quality *chillin*. So there they were, a few beers later having one of those in depth conversations nearly always associated with oncoming inebriation.

Spike sniffed, tilting his head to one side, and focused two blue eyes on Xander. "Power. It's all about power. Sex. Violence. All of it!" He said, picking up his fresh bottle and tenderly wiping his thumb across the condensation. "It makes you feel alive.. It's the best feeling in the world, holding that struggling warm body. Feeling it resist you, fight you with everything it's got. Crushing it to you and then , finally the realization hits and they know it's over. You can hear it in their heartbeat, feel it when they go limp in your arms."

Xander felt a lump forming in his throat as he listened to Spike, and his mouth suddenly felt dry. Taking a slug of beer, he waited for Spike to finish.

With a decisive shrug, Spike continued. "Same as sex really!" and leaned back in his seat to watch Xander's reaction.

Xander blinked. "OK. And I say EW! Too much information."

"Well, you asked mate" said Spike. "I am the Big Bad, Sexy Undead Evil Vampire!"

"And I say again.EW. One, you're *not* the Big Bad anymore, Mr. I've got a chip in my head that renders me as dangerous as a puppy, and two, who says you're sexy?"

Spike snorted in astonishment, his blue eyes widening. "Oh come on Xander," he said. "OK, I've got this government chip, which is just temporary mind, but." Spike gestured with his arms, "how can you say that *this* isn't sexy????"

Xander had never seen anyone strut while sitting before, it was quite an achievement. "Well, I don't think you're sexy."

"You bloody well do mate" said Spike. "Admit it." Spike leaned in, his tone dropping ".we both know it's true!"

Xander couldn't help it, he started to laugh. High pitched girly laughter with much spluttering and gasping of breath. When he could finally speak he said "Oh ye Spike, you really push my buttons and you are SOOO sexy. Which is why you've been left by every woman you've ever hooked up with and, tell me again, how many Women have you actually had SEX with? Not including the Buffy bot, so completely not going there.

Spike looked slightly offended. "I can have any bloody person I want matey. I happen to be ***SEX ON LEGS*** . Drop dead gorgeous. Arse tight enough to play bleedin' ping-pong on, and. UNLIKE some people, when I was with my Dark Princess we practiced M O N O G O M Y , that means no kissy touchy feely with anybody else, you know, no playing of the tonsil hockey with best friends or any such." Spike smirked and raised his bottle, watching Xander as he slowly pushed out his bottom lip, capturing the rim and brushing lightly over it with his moist lush mouth.

Xander cleared his throat.

"*See* you do think I'm bloody sexy =. You almost popped just watching me take a swig of beer!"

SHIT SHIT SHIT "I so did not. fangless. I was watching you make a fool of yourself. Hello! Was *that* supposed to be sexy? I've seen sexier displays on the meat counter at Food Mart."

"I am sexy. I am *the* sexiest bloke *you've* ever met mate!"

"Oh yeah? Prove it." Said Xander.

"Fine. You name em, I'll pull em."

Xander took a slow drink, giving Spike a thoughtful once over. "Anybody?"

Spike was doing the strutting thing again. "*Anybody*."

"OK" putting down his half empty bottle with a thud. "*The Scoobies*"

Spike blinked, blinked again and raised a scarred eyebrow. "All the Scoobies?"

"Yep, *all* the Scoobies."

"Including Giles?"

"Oh yes. That would be a big affirmative."

"I don't have to shag him do I?"

"Shaggage would be optional. Definite brownie points for the Shaggage. You manage to get into Giles' pants 'Oh Master of the Chain em up Seduction technique'. and *I'll* shag you." Xander said with a definite hint of sarcasm.

"Deal" said Spike with a grin.