title: A Mind at War

Author/pseudonym: Debs (Cappristar)

Fandom: Starsky and Hutch

Pairing: S/H slash

Rating: R

Status: Sequel

Archive: Yes

Feedback: Yes

Critique: Constructive only

E-mail address for feedback: Montedebs@aol.com

Series/Sequel: This is the sequel to Black White and Shades of Blue

Disclaimers: : This is a work of amateur fan fiction. The distribution of this work is not meant to infringe upon copyrights held by anyone claiming ownership to the television series, "Starsky and Hutch" nor will it be distributed for monetary gain.

Notes: I was not intending to to a sequel, but with the strong encouragement of several friends, I had a change of heart. Michelle! My beta-reader. You of course have done and are continuing to do a fantastic job. R.H. (how is that for code?) Thank you my friend)

Summary: Six months after being tortured, Hutch is only now realizing he hasn't dealt with his emotions. Starsky is only now realizing he had been ignoring the same.

Warnings: Nothing to worry about

A Mind at War
by Debs (Cappristar)

Detective David Starsky slid away from his desk under the pretense of getting a coffee. Pouring the burnt smelling brew into his seldom washed cup he eyed his blond partner with more than a hint of worry darkening the indigo eyes even further. Casually bringing the unwanted liquid to his lips, he noted the physical changes his lover seemed to have gone through without his noticing. The beautiful flaxen hair was longer than his Hutch usually let it grow, the bangs causing annoyance as a large hand continuously swept them away from the light, haunted blue eyes. Leaning back against the counter and crossing his legs, Starsky pursed his lips as he gazed unnoticed by his blond. The fine Nordic features which he had studied and admired for years, now appeared too strong, too..well almost evil in the way the pale skin seemed to stretch over the genetic perfection of his partner's bone structure. Starsky couldn't help thinking, that evil was the last word he thought he would ever use to describe his beautiful lover, but couldn't stop the vision of his blond, helmet on head and strong bare legs wet with the spray of salt water order the massacre of some long forgotten and newly discovered village.

"What are you doing Starsk?" Hutch looked up momentarily, eyes flashing in annoyance. "If we want to get out of here anytime soon we need to get these reports finished."

Slightly stung, but more determined than ever to get his blond to open up, Starsky resumed his seat. Placing a fresh form into his own typewriter he said without looking up. "You’re getting awfully thin babe."

"Drop it Starsk!" Hutch snapped, keeping his head down and lowering his tone. "I told you before I'm fine. Please Gordo give it a rest."

True enough Hutch seemed to be okay. Starsky found it hard to keep his mind on work. The blond was more voracious than ever in the bedroom, living room, bathroom..Starsky paused, a slight smile causing his lips to twitch. Another frown quickly erased the grin as he thought how possessive his blond had become in the last couple of months, physically anyway, and yet Hutch rarely if ever wanted to stay the night. Starsky's head shot up, staring at the bent head of the one person he loved more than he thought he could ever love another. 'That's it! He wants me with him all the time, but he's been pushing me away at the same time. What the fuck is going on in there babe?!'

Hutch knew he was being hard on his much adored brunette. He wished he could explain what was going on, but he just couldn't. Not that he didn't want to, it was only because he didn't understand what was happening himself. He also knew that his partner was right about the weight loss, the blond had checked just that morning and had dropped from his usual 180 to 165 lbs. Fifteen pounds didn't sound like very much, but when he was already slim to begin with, he knew he was looking pretty gaunt. 'Christ! I haven't even bothered to get a hair cut in over a month.' Chewing on his upper lip, he peeked up at his life. "I don't know what’s going on Gordo." He whispered across the desks, tears making the pale orbs bob and float.

Starsky looked up as the soft voice reached his ears. Concern flared anew seeing the confusion and distress marring his lovers handsome face. "Lets wait 'til we get home babe, we'll try and find out then." He was completely unprepared when the blond's chair scraped back and Hutch, grabbing his jacket, fled from the room. Staring after the still swinging door, he then forced his eyes away to meet the stunned expression of the other detectives watching him from where they were standing and sitting. Smiling with a brief shrug he explained with a lie. "He forgot he had ta meet with the DA this afternoon." The other officers chuckled and nodded as they went back to their own tasks.

Starsky picked up a few blank forms and strode purposefully toward the door of their Captain's office. Giving a sharp rap, he winked at one of the nearest detectives that glanced up at him. Hearing the bellow of acknowlegement, he opened the door and stuck his head inside. "Can I talk to ya for a minute Cap.?"

Hutch didn't trust himself to drive, not that he had his car with him anyway, Starsky had picked him up that morning. Instead he ran down the steps of Parker Center, managing to hail a cab as soon as he reached the curb. He had no idea where he wanted to go, only that he had to go someplace far away from where he was. Checking his wallet he saw that he had forty bucks on him. "Take me as far as twenty can get." He barked at the surprised cabby.

"Any particular direction buddy?" The driver warily checked the rear view mirror. He didn’t think his passenger looked like a con, but on the other hand he didn't look like a cop either.

"Direction we're facing is fine." Hutch shot back. Leaning his head against the window he tried to blank his mind of all thought. Not caring where the taxi ended up, not caring about anything. He managed to get rid of everything in his head, except the only thing holding him together and keeping him from bursting into tears. The handsome face of his bestfriend and lover.

Dobey scowled across his paper strewn desk as the curly haired member of his favorite team finished. "You only thought to bring this to my attention now!!" He yelled though trying to keep his booming voice within the confines of his office.

"Like I said Cap'. I didn't think it was anything serious at first. You know Hutch! If ya don't catch him right away with a problem, he buries it away so deep that even he doesn't look at it." Starsky pleaded in his own defense.

Nodding his large head, Dobey had to agree. "So where do you think he went?" His voice softened. The worry in his soft brown eyes mirroring his detective's.

"I don't know." Starsky bit his lip and looked away.

"What the hell do you mean you don't know!!!" Anger raised the deep voice up another few notches. "He's your partner for heaven's sake Starsky!"

Starsky flew to his feet, fear for his partner bringing his own ire to the surface. "Excuse me all ta hell Captain! But I ain't never seen him fly out of a room before about ready ta cry an ocean!" Spit flew from his mouth as he glared at his superior.

Taking a deep breath and breathing it out his nose, Dobey raised his hands. "Okay. Okay Starsky calm down. "Do you have any idea where he would go?"

Deflating and sinking back down into his chair, Starsky shook his head wearily. "No Cap'. Not a clue."

"It's your call Starsky. Do you want me to put out an APB?" Dobey looked from the brunette to the phone on his desk.

"Not yet. Capn' I'd like ta have a chance ta try an' find him on my own first." Starsky stood, running his hands down the thighs of his jeans, his hands were getting sweaty and the denim had crept up a little too high for comfort. "Is it alright if I sign me'n Hutch off for the day?"

"Sign Hutch off. I want you logged on until you find him." Dobey was almost as concerned for the man in front of him as he was for the one that was missing. Opening the top drawer of his desk he handed a calling card out with a meaty hand. "I know it’s a bit against regulation, but that's the name and number of a psychiatrist that has helped more than a few of my men, without the department brass getting their nose into it."

"Ya think Hutch needs a shrink!?" Anger flared fresh as Starsky stared incredulously at his boss.

"Don't you?" Dobey asked surprisingly softly. "I was thinking maybe you could talk to her first. If Hutch can't admit what's eating away at him..well maybe you and Dr. Sherlow find out for him."

Starsky stood staring at the card. "I ain't Hutch." He mumbled.

"No you're not. But you are the next best thing." Dobey rose and came around the desk to place a fatherly hand on the tense shoulder. "If anyone can figure out what's going on in that blond's head, you can. Like you said Starsky, the walls have gone up, whether he knows it or not our boy is counting on you to break them back down."

"Thanks Cap." Starsky lightly shrugged the comforting hand away as he reached for the doorknob.

"Starsky." Dobey leaned back against his desk as his dark haired detective turned to look at him. "As of right now Hutch is on leave with pay." Raising a plump hand to silence the voice that was about to match the anger in the blue eyes. "Until he gets some help I can't allow him to be out on the streets, and you know that. Its bad enough he's hurting inside and his health is being affected. From what you've told me I have no other choice."

Starsky clenched his jaw before nodding curtly and leaving the office. Slamming the door closed behind him he stormed down the hall, as hopeless as he knew it would be, Venice Place was to be his first destination.

Just as he thought, his blond's apartment was empty. Starsky slowly walked around, touching the small objects his partner had collected throughout the years. Making his way to the bed he sat down on it and smiled sadly at the photo of the two of them, arms around each other as they both laughed into the camera. "Come on home to me Hutch. Please babe. Please. Just come on home." He mumbled running a finger lightly over the image of his lover, oblivious to the tears running down his face.

"Where in the hell am I?" For the first time since the cab dropped him off Hutch took a good look around. Except for the road, dirt and scraggly bushes, there was very little to see. "Holy Christ Hutchinson you really got yourself into a mess this time. Jesus! Starsky's going to kill me. How the hell couldI just run out on him like that? What the fuck is wrong with me anyway?" He kept berating himself as he began to trudge back in the direction the taxi had taken after he had gotten out. Deep down he knew he was really fucked up inside, but not knowing what was wrong allowed him to worry more about what he was putting his lover through. He cursed ever louder as he kicked out at nothing in particular. "I'm so sorry Gordo." Fresh tears began to flow, increasing his anger. "Holy fuck! Like things aren't bad enough, I have to turn into a cry baby too?!" As he walked he racked his brain trying to think what was going on, and why he felt he was losing his grip on reality and his Starsky at the same time.

Part 2

Starsky had taken a couple of pillows from the bed and nestled into one on the couch, the other he wrapped his arms around, inhaling the scent of his lover deeply into his lungs. He tried to think of when it was that his partner had started to withdraw, racking his brain trying to think of when or what had happened to start his blond on a path to self destruction. A newscaster's voice droned endlessly from the television the too pert voice quickly getting on his nerves, he sat up just long enough to turn the volume off and lay back down to stare unseeingly at the door. As far as the brunette could think everything had been going even better than terrific for the two of them, Starsky didn't think it was possible to be as in love as he was with his beautiful partner. "Okay. So he started cryin' out in his sleep a coupla months ago." Starsky chewed on the inside of a cheek as he mumbled his thoughts aloud. "Not the first time he's done that. Hell! Sometimes a case can give me the night screams too." Lifting the pillow from his chest, he took the small calling card from his breast pocket. "Okay. He'll be home soon, if I can't convince him ta go talk..I'll see what ya can tell me ta help 'im then." Returning the card to his pocket, he thought that Lana Sherlow was an awfully pretty name for a shrink.

Hutch heard the low rumble of an eighteen wheeler long before he had the headlights in sight. Not sleeping well the past few weeks and having walked at least the last ten miles, had left him nearly dead on his feet. He hadn't realized the sun had disappeared until the coolness of the air caused him to shiver. Time itself had become a non-issue as he racked his mind, for what seemed the hundredth time, for the answer to why he was hurting himself. He was more than aware of his weight loss, and regretted snapping at his lover for pointing out the obvious. He admitted to himself that the mere thought of eating in the last month or so had caused his stomach to stand up and roll backwards. He had forced himself to eat more to appease his partner than to sustain himself. "Where the fuck did that come from?!" One ear on the approaching truck, thumb at the ready to beg for a ride, an unbidden vision of his partner, arms draped over a closed casket, tears running from the grief stricken cobalt eyes as they ran down the heavily varnished finish of the box Hutch knew he was encased in. "I don't want to die." Just as he uttered the words, he realized that killing himself was exactly the path he had been taking. "Oh fuck! You need some serious help Hutchinson!" His head felt as heavy as his heart as he turned around to stick out a thumb and hope for a ride. He smiled gratefully and began to trot towards it as the rig slowed and came to a stop a hundred feet past him.

Starsky ordered out for chinese after discovering that his partner had nothing but beer and a half dozen eggs a half pound of cheese and a container he was afraid to open in the fridge. The cupboards proved to be even more empty. "Jesus Hutch when's the last time ya bought food?" He muttered as he punched in the number to the nearby restaurant. Watching without seeing the western on the television he repeatedly checked his watch, dismayed at how slowly the minutes were ticking by. He decided he would shower and shave, not expecting his blond back anytime soon. He could only hope his partner was safe and didn't appear to be as vulnerable as he seemed.

Thanking the truck driver he climbed down from the cab after it pulled over near an A and W drive in. Hutch noted the street sign as he entered a phone booth and called the station. He went into the fast food place and ordered a black coffee before heading back outside to wait for the black and white he had requested to pick him up. All the while hoping his brunette wasn't too upset with him.

Starsky had just come out of the washroom, barefoot and only his jeans on, he rubbed his wet hair with a towel as he went to answer the jangling of the telephone. Hanging up he felt the relief course through him after dispatch had let him know that Hutch had called and requested a ride. Starsky cancelled the cruiser from going for his blond. Scribbling the address down after hanging up, he hurriedly got dressed and headed out to pickup up his partner himself. He hoped with everything he had that the blond had finally discovered what was eating away at him.

Hutch quickly looked up and rose from the curb hearing the Torino just before it rounded the corner. Joy mixed with a tinge of fear as he watched the familiar outline of his partner behind the wheel approach him. Silently he climbed into the passenger seat, hanging his head, afraid to look into the intense gaze of his lover.

Starsky also chose to remain quiet. He decided it would be best to wait until he got his partner home, before grilling him on his whereabouts and why he had taken off to begin with. For the moment he was just relieved that he had his blond back in his care, and under his watchful eyes.

Starsky watched with worry as his lover shuffled up the stairs to the apartment, pausing at one point, the brunette didn't think he was going to make it. Hutch immediately collapsed onto the couch, leaving Starsky to shut the door as he followed behind. "This is prob'ly the stupidest question of the day, but I don't suppose ya had anything ta eat today?"

Shaking his head, Hutch looked up as Starsky took a seat beside him. "I'm really sorry Starsk. I just..I don't know. I just had to get out of the squadroom." The light eyes pleaded forgiveness. A light smile softening the too sharp features. "For a minute I actually thought I was going to cry."

"'S'all right babe." Starsky reached out a hand and gently cupped the beloved face. "I don't suppose ya figured out what's bin going on?"

"I'm just so fucking tired all the time. I can't sleep, I can't eat." Hutch leaned in to nuzzle his partner's neck as strong arms gathered him close. "Christ Starsk, one second I feel fine and then the next I'm ready to burst out crying for no reason." Taking a deep breath he continued. "I have never felt so out of control before, I mean..well it's like..I don't know. I don't even feel like a man anymore. I keep wanting hide from everyone."

"I think there's prob'ly a very good reason why ya feel like cryin' babe." Starsky began to stroke the broad back, cringing as he felt the outline of his lover's ribcage. "And ya bin tryin' ta hide from me, and I'll tell ya right now buddy boy that I ain't gonna let ya."

Pulling back, Hutch looked into the dark eyes he loved so much. "I'm sorry Starsk. I really wish I could tell you what's wrong with me, but I can't even find out myself."

Taking the card from his pocket Starsky never took his eyes away from his blond's. "I think maybe we better go see someone that maybe can help."

"Who's that?" Hutch's gaze flickered from the card to his partner suspiciously.

"It's the name an' number of a shrink Dobey gave me." Starsky was expecting a negative response, but was unprepared when his blond shot up from the couch, shaking his head violently.

"I am not going to a head doctor. I am not crazy!" He glared down at his surprised lover. "What the hell did you say to Dobey anyway?!!"

"As much as I know myself. That somethin's eatin' away at ya, and that you're startin' ta suffer for it." Starsky stated matter of factly. "You're also on leave with pay startin' from the minute ya bolted from the office."

"You son of a bitch!" Hutch lunged at the startled brunette, grabbing him by the front of the jacket, he hauled the smaller man to his feet. "Why the hell did you have to say anything to him! Jesus he's probably already got me reported to IA."

"Relax Blintz." Starsky allowed himself to be dragged to his feet, maintaining a calm demeanour he didn't really feel. "It's bad enough you're hurtin' yourself buddy, but you’re not much good ta the department when ya can barely tie up your own shoes. The Capn' had no choice, and I didn't have any choice not ta tell him."

Hutch released his grip, swaying as exhaustion washed over him. "I'm sorry Gordo." He once again sunk back onto the couch. "You're right. Maybe I do need to get some help. Hell! I know I do. I just don't like the idea of baring my soul to a stranger."

"I'll be with ya every step a the way blondie." Starsky masked his concern behind a smile, knowing his lover must really be hurting to give in so easily.

"I just don't know if I'll be able to talk to him." Hutch swallowed thickly. "I'll try though."

"It's a her." Starsky waited for the next explosion.

"A her!! You expect me to be able to express my inner feelings with a girl?!!! You’re fucking nuttier than I am." Hutch was once more on his feet.

"Her name's Lana Sherlow, and Dobey swears by her." Starsky added hopefully.

"Pretty name." Hutch stated as he once more glared at his lover. "But I'm not talking to a lady. I don't care how many degrees or how long she's been in the head business."

"Good. Now go an' have a shower. I'll heat up some food for ya, I ordered out while I was waitin' for ya." Starsky had risen and headed for the kitchen. He grinned broadly watching the retreating form of his lover on his way to the bathroom then called out after him. "I'll call her first thing in the mornin'."

"Fine. But I'm not talking to her." Hutch called back before shutting the door. "And there's no way in hell you can make me."

"Oh yes ya are sweetheart." Starsky whistled as he dumped the shrimp chow mein into a sauce pan. "An' then we're gonna figure out how ta fix the problem, put it behind us and then spend the next month or two fattenin' ya back up."

Part 3

Exhausted, Hutch ate what was put in front of him with little care or enthusiasm. Catching himself as he was about to nod off, he brought bleary eyes up to look at his partner. "Can I just go to bed now Starsk?"

"One more bite babe." Starsky tilted his head towards the bowl. "Then I'll tuck ya in."

Hutch popped a shrimp into his mouth then wearily pushed himself away from the table staring forlornly towards the bed. "I don't know if I'm going to make it." He smiled weakly.

"Want me ta carry ya?" Starsky had also risen and came around to undo his lover's robe.

"I think I can get there on my own, but thanks anyway Gordo." Hutch pushed his brunette's hands away and managed not to stumble as he made it to the bed shrugging the robe aside and pulling down the covers. He was fast asleep before Starsky had cleaned up the table.

Starsky lay beside his blond, sleep proving impossible as his brow creased, worry making him restless. "At least he admitted somethin's the matter." He tried to sooth himself. Rolling over he wrapped an arm around the still form of his lover and nuzzled the back of the silk covered neck. "Now if we can get it out of that empty head of yours we'll be able ta fix it and get back on with livin'." He was still kicking and cursing himself for not realizing something was very wrong with his Blintz long before now. He hoped fervently that the doctor would be able to get to the root of his lover's problem. "Christ! He's been practically begging ya ta notice he wasn't himself for months now!" He tightened his hold on his blond. "Why didn't ya just say somethin' babe?" He knew the answer already, his partner was never one to talk about anything that could be wrong with him. Even though he was the first to try and get the brunette to talk about his own feelings. Pressing himself up as close to his lover as he could get, Starsky finally drifted off to sleep.

Hutch found himself in a darkened room. He could hear the steady dripping of water and smell of a ghastly, almost acidic odor. The suckling noises along with the feel of his cock hardening under the some sort of attack brought him quickly awake, barely stifling a scream. "What the fuck?!" He panted, wiping the sweat from his forehead. He glanced around and quickly ascertained that he was in his own bed with his lover snoring softly beside him. Struggling to a sitting position, he swung his legs over the side of the bed. Rushing to the bathroom he barely made it before he lost the contents in his stomach. Keeping his head in the toilet bowl he reached up to flush, his forehead resting on the back of the seat. Gasping for breath, he was unaware of movement behind him until he felt a warm hand run up his back.

"You okay babe?" Starsky knelt down pushing his chest up against the heaving back. "Wanna talk about it?"

"I never remember what it's about Starsk." Hutch raised his head leaning back to draw comfort from the soft cushion of his partner's chest hair and strong stomach. "The..the only thi..thinng I..I..I'm sure of is that's it's..it's almost always the same place and I ca..can't get away."

"So I'm right in thinkin' you've bin having these dreams for a while now?" Starsky softly asked as he rubbed a stubbled cheek between the tense shoulders.

"A few months now." Hutch grudgingly admitted. "I didn't think anything of them at first. Thought they would just go away." He leaned his head back to rest on the ready shoulder, still trying to catch his breath. "But they just keep coming!"

"So ya decided instead ta try and hide it from me?" Starsky rested his chin on a broad shoulder and whispered into a pale ear. "Ya thought, 'Starsky won't notice if I run away every night and pretend all is peachy keen.' Is that right blondie?"

"I'm sorry Starsk. I really didn't think it was a big deal." Hutch apologized hating the tears that had again welled in his eyes.

"An' I gotta tell ya babe. I'm gettin' damn sick an' tired of hearin' ya say I'm sorry. Ya need ta stop apologizin' and start talkin'." Starsky wrapped both arms around Hutch's middle pulling him slightly away from the toilet.

"Okay then Starsk. What do you think is wrong with me, since you seem to have me all figured out?" Hutch lightly gripped the arms around him.

"I don't have the faintest idea Hutch." Starsky stood pulling his blond up with him and turning him around so they were face to face. "But I sure as hell hope we can find out. I much prefer worrin' about ya when I don't have anything ta worry about, ya know what I mean?"

Hutch couldn't help grin. "Yeah Gordo. I know what you mean." He then brushed a tear away angrily. "I feel like a cry baby lately. I feel like I'm losing myself and that I'm going to lose you too." Frustration darkened the light blue eyes. "Hell Starsk! I was standing in line at the bank the other day, feeling fine one minute and had to run out the next. I..I just started crying for no reason. Some fucking tough guy I am!"

"That's good though Hutch, that's the first time since this has bin going on that ya tried to express how ya feel. So when this dreaded lady doc starts askin' questions you’re gonna answer right?" Starsky stood on his toes to land a tender kiss on the furrowed brow. "An', by the way, I'm not ever goin' anywhere, an' I'm not lettin' you get lost either."

With a heavy sigh, Hutch cupped the chiseled cheek in his hand. "I promise I'll try and be a good little basket case."

"Thats all 'm askin'." Starsky grinned mischievously. "Now what do you want ta do?"

"How about I brush my teeth and then you love me so hard that I'll be able to sleep without any more nightmares?" Hutch had caught the gleam in his partner's eyes and matched the desire with a lust of his own.

"I was hopin' you were thinkin' along those lines." Starsky growled slapping the bare butt he loved to love and moved aside picking up the tooth brush and putting the paste on it.

"You going to brush them for me too?" Hutch teased.

"Don't tempt me." Starsky ran the head under the tap before handing it to his blond. "I might find that more erotic than I could handle right now."

Hutch found it extremely difficult to do a good job on his teeth with his lover's hand between his legs, one was firmly gripping his cock while the other one was reaching for the baby oil on the counter. Rinsing his mouth he finally managed a feeble protest at the same time a slicked finger entered from rear. "Here Starsk!?" He automatically pushed back to encourage the digit.

"Right here. Right now. Can't wait to be inside ya babe." Starsky was rubbing his own throbbing erection against a smooth thigh. He gently nipped his way down the long back then pushed in two more fingers, smiling with satisfaction when he pressed against the prostrate and his lover howled with delight.

"Now Starsk! Now!!" Hutch had leaned further over the counter, gripping the taps on the sink, spreading his legs to afford his lover easier access.

Starsky groaned as he quickly coated himself and slid himself slowly home. "AH! Jesus Hutch!" He molded his body to his blond's. "So good babe." He bit sucked in his lips, closing his eyes to revel in the tight heat encasing him.

"Come on Starsk!!" Hutch yelled gasping for air, but this time in pleasure. "Fuck me Gordo!!"

Starsky slowly moved in and out, not wanting to end the sensations too fast, but knowing he couldn't keep the speed down for long. "'M not gonna last Hutch." He thrust faster.

"Oh God!! Yes. Harder Starsky!" Hutch had matched his brunette's pace and now tried to increase the tempo. Totally oblivious to his knees slamming into the vanity as wave after wave of pleasure rained over and through him.

Starsky was now pumping for all he was worth, his hand working the same rhythm on the blond's erection, feeling the telltale swelling of both cocks at the same time as the sound of them screaming each other's names shook the mirror in the small room when they exploded as one.

"I don't think I can move." Starsky had collapsed over his lover's bent body.

"I don't think brushing my teeth will ever be the same again." Hutch looked into the mirror seeing only the top of his brunette's mussed curls.

Starsky did move though, and slowly pushed himself off his lover. "Do ya think you'll be able to sleep better now?"

Hutch straightened up and turned on wobbly legs. "Oh yeah." Was all he could manage as he damped a couple of face cloths and handed one to his partner.

"Terrific." Starsky cleaned himself up and tossed the cloth behind the door, then shuffled back towards the bed, Hutch close on his heels.

Once more under the blankets they held each other tightly, neither man really wanting to let sleep take them away from the shared afterglow they were basking in.

"I love you Hutch." Starsky stated simply running his hand lightly down a long arm.

"I know Starsk." Hutch smiled as he pushed his nose into the warm neck. "You'll never know how much that means to me."

"I don't know about that blondie." Starsky grinned crookedly. "I think I got a pretty good idea. I sorta feel the same way about you lovin' me."

"Sorta?" Hutch propped himself up to grin down at his lover.

"Well okay." Starsky pushed the fair head back down to his chest. "I know exactly how ya feel."

"You really think seeing this head doctor is going to do any good?" Hutch asked a nipple.

"It can't hurt any Hutch." Starsky fondled the golden strands. "I mean helpin' people figure out what's goin' on in their heads is what she does."

"I guess I never thought I would ever have to go to one." Hutch whispered. "I mean in my family it's a little like admitting there is something wrong with you. My folks frown on that kind of thing."

"No offense babe, but I think you’re the only sane one in your family." Starsky chuckled. "I mean how healthy is it ta pretend all is just ducky to the outside world when you're all rattlin' around in that big house tryin' not ta run inta each other."

"It wasn't that bad." Hutch snorted.

"It wasn't that good either Hutch." Starsky stated honestly. "I mean love or money? I'd take the love any day a the week."

"Me too." Hutch pressed his cheek closer.

"Hutch?"

"Yeah Starsk?"

"I really don't wanna talk about your parents." Starsky lifted his head a little to kiss the soft hair.

"Me neither." Hutch added. "But they aren't the monsters you seem to think they are."

"I don't think they’re monsters. I just think they’re snobs." Starsky chuckled.

"Yeah. You’re right. They are."

"I'm always right. Now get ta sleep."

"Okay. I love you Gordo."

"Ya better. Love you too Blintz."

Part 4

Starsky had called his Captain at home as soon as he showered after the bright morning sunlight rudely awoke him before his usual rousing time of seven. He called to let his superior know that Hutch was safe and sound, back home and willing to seek some much needed help. Dobey in turn told Starsky not to report in, instructing him to set up the appointment and keep him informed of both of their whereabouts. Gazing down at the still sleeping form of his lover he couldn't hold back the smile as he recalled how, once again, his blond gave him his all the night before. He was still tingling with the hum of their lovemaking as he dug through his pile of clothes to find the card and punched in the number to the psychiatrist's office.

He frowned into the phone just as his blond passed on his way to the shower. Replacing the receiver he headed to the kitchen wondering why the doctor wanted to set up an appointment for later that morning with him and not his Hutch.

"So when do I get to meet the shrink?" Hutch asked as he sat at the table in a loosely wrapped robe, a bit surprised that he actually felt hungry for the first time in a long while.

"Don't know." Starsky placed a heavily loaded omelette in front of his life, and sat down ready to devour his own. "She wants ta see me today. I have an appointment at ten."

"Last time I checked Gordo it wasn't you that had a problem." Hutch paused with his fork midway to his mouth. Fear turned his gaunt features green even as he gawked at the pleasant sight of his partners bare chest.

"I think she just wants ta hear my side of what's bin happenin' babe." Starsky was a little concerned himself, but trying to hide the fact as he shovelled a mouthful into his waiting gullet noting that his jeans were beginning to cut into his waist a little.

"What can you tell her?" Hutch picked his fork back up and cut off a large piece of the egg concoction.

"No idea. I'm thinkin' maybe she can get a better feel about you if I talk ta her first." Starsky was delighted that his blond seemed to forget about his aversion to food and was devouring his breakfast as if it was the first time he had ever tasted.

Hutch continued to eat, but looked across the table at the one person he trusted more than any other. "What are you going to say to her?" Worry caused his hand to tremble as he reached for his mug of coffee.

"Exactly what I've bin seein'." Starsky stared over his plate at the one person he would willingly die for.

"Great." Hutch looked away. "You know Starsk? It's bad enough that Dobey had to be in on this, but having you tell a strange...well woman.. that I'm a nutcase really isn't helping me any."

Starsky just smiled and continued to eat. "I was a bit put out when she set an appointment up for me first too babe. ''M willin' ta give her the benefit of the doubt though."

"So how do you see me Starsk? I mean the way you'll describe me to her?" Hutch closed his eyes trying to block out the love emanating across the table.

Starsky put down his own fork and lifted a piece of toast of the plate between them. "I see my gorgeous lover. Thin ta the point of making me scared shitless. I see my beautiful partner breakin' down at the drop of a pin...but more importantly I see my life coasting away from me on a wave I can't seem ta catch."

Hutch could only nod, as he took a gulp of the lukewarm coffee. "Maybe she does know what she's doing. Can I be in the waiting room?"

"I don't think so Hutch." Starsky washed down his toast with a swig from his own cup. "I'd love for ya ta be there, but I want ta help more than hurt...If she says no go." He grabbed the pointed chin and brought it up. "You'll stay away if that's what she thinks best."

"I think I'm more scared with you going than I would be if I was." Hutch poked at the now unwanted eggs.

Starsky glanced across the table. "What is it that bothers ya so much 'bout it being a woman?" He set his fork down.

"Gee Starsk? I wonder?" Hutch replied sarcastically.

Starsky grinned crookedly. "Come on Hutch! She's a doctor fer cryin' out loud..this is what she's paid ta do."

"It still doesn't seem right Gordo." Hutch looked away. "I mean my manhood has already taken a beating, but to have to confess how I feel to a woman...I don't know!" He looked back. "Yes I do..it makes me feel even more small..like I can't..like I'm afraid of my own shadow lately!" Frustration flashed in his eyes as he shook his head doubting if he'd expressed himself the way he wanted.

"So what ya mean is 'The Knight Protector' has discovered a few chinks in his armor, and the little lady who's not in distress could be his only salvation?" Starsky smiled warmly across the table.

Hutch snorted a little, head now shaking with embarrassment. "Something like that."

"Well. How bout we pound out them dents, and then the world can get back ta bein' happy having you run around savin' it?" Starsky had gotten up and moved around to bend over and wrap his arms around his blond. "'Sides. Wouldn't ya feel even more weird talkin' ta some guy that looked more like a wrestler than a doctor?"

"How do you do that?" Hutch asked.

"What?" Starsky stood massaging the tense shoulders.

"Make me feel good and gushy at the same time?" Hutch responded leaning back into the firm hands.

"Makin' ya feel good makes me feel good, and it ain't everybody that gets ta see ya go all soft and gushy...that makes me feel even better." Starsky laughed, running his nose through the silky hair.

Hutch pushed back from the table and stood. Gathering their dishes he headed to the counter to empty the remains in the garbage. "I guess I won't have much to do today except wait for you to come home."

"Take note ladies and gents! The great warrior has now gone into sulk mode!" Starsky chirped to an imaginary audience.

"Shut up!" Hutch shot back chuckling.

Giggling himself, Starsky helped clear the table. "I gotta admit blondie, you're takin' this better than I thought ya would."

"You say that like I have a choice?" Hutch began to fill the sink.

"Ya know I bet I get a lot more mileage from usin' Sunlight, than you do from usin' that bargain brand." Starsky nudged his head toward the weak looking bubbles forming in the water.

"I'm losing my mind and you want to lecture me on my dish detergent?" Hutch laughed softly. "Soaps soap Gordo."

"Not so Blintz. I couldn't help notice that ya spare no expense when it comes ta the stuff ya use on that beautiful body a yours." Starsky had pressed himself into his blond's side.

"That's different." Hutch defended laughing harder. "I have sensitive skin!"

"I know!" Starsky wrapped an arm around the thin middle and rubbed himself suggestively against the lean leg. "I just love the way ya pop out in bright little welts when I lick ya all over."

"Don't you have an appointment?" Hutch had turned red and tried to untangle himself.

"Not for a coupla hours." Starsky purred. "How about you show me how a meat thermometer works?"

Drying his hands quickly on a towel Hutch threw it down and shoved his partner towards the bedroom. "Just to let you know smart ass, I like mine hot but very much alive."

"Your thermometer or your meat?" Starsky swung around pointing at the large bulge straining at the front of his jeans.

"Both." Hutch growled lunging for his brunette as his target turned and bounced laughing towards the bed.

Hutch hugged a pillow watching nervously as his lover dressed for the meeting. "You're really going all out babe, should I add jealousy to my list of neurosis?"

"Ya ain't got nothin' ta worry about blondie, you're the most beautiful creature in the universe and there's no way you'll ever get rid a me." Starsky smiled while doing up his shirt. "But if she's as nice lookin' as her name it's only natural for me ta not wanna come off as a street bum."

Hutch grinned brightly. "Sure you don't want to stay here? I love your bum and I'd love to have you come off again."

"Nice try Blintz." Starsky pointed a finger at the blond. "An' as temptin' as that is it's more important ta get you back mentally and physically to your old self. You're still gorgeous babe, but I'd rather just have one part of your anatomy stabbing me when we fuck."

"Hey! I ate more today than I have all week." Hutch blushed with shame. "Held it down too."

"For how long after I walk out the door?" Starsky frowned as he sat on the side of the bed reaching out and mussing the fair hair even further.

"Cut me some slack Gordo. I actually felt almost human all morning." Hutch looked into the concerned indigo eyes, surprise lighting his own as he realized it was true. "I even slept better last night than I have in eons."

Starsky bent over to retrieve his weapon from the floor. "Yeah well. One night and one meal don't mean my Hutch is all better."

"Don't rain on my parade buddy." Hutch smiled. "I'm going to try and keep busy while you're gone, and try not to think of anything but you."

"Good plan babe." Starsky stood fastening his holster. "I left the number by the phone if ya need me just call. Do ya want me ta pick anything up on the way back?"

"Jesus Starsk!" Hutch scowled pushing himself up to a sitting position. "I'm not an invalid. I am quite capable of going out and picking up a few things."

"The kitchen could use more than just a few things babe." Starsky jumped aside narrowly avoiding the long arm that swung out to swat him. "That is if yer so intent on going out."

"Groceries it is." Hutch stood and stretched his arms over his head.

"Ya got a lot of nerve ta do that when I'm on my way out." Starsky pouted worry springing fresh to his eyes. "But Jesus babe if ya turn sideways you'd disappear."

"I know." Mortified, Hutch quickly brought his arms down, turning scarlet he grabbed his robe and struggled into it.

"Hey." Starsky whispered, waiting until the sky blue eyes came back up to meet the cobalt. "Don't ever. Ever be ashamed around me. 'M just scared half ta death for ya babe."

Hutch looked away and just nodded.

"An' no rabbit food or any a that tofu shit either." Starsky picked his jacket off the back of the couch on his way to the door.

"Yes mom." Hutch followed him and reached the knob to hold the door open. "Drive carefully honey, and don't worry about me."

"Like that's gonna happen." Starsky pulled the fair head down for a quick though deep kiss. "Behave yourself an' no nasty thoughts."

"How can I think of you if I'm not aloud to think nasty?" Hutch grinned.

"I never said nothin' 'bout havin' dirty thoughts blondie." Starsky beamed as he strutted out the door.

Part 5

Starsky sat in the opulent waiting room waiting to be called. The few other ladies and gentleman with him caused him to fidget nervously as he tapped one foot and then the other. 'Creepy' was the only word that came to mind as he regarded his waiting mates. "Ya have a nice poodle there Ma'am."

"It's a Pekinese young man!!" The somewhat chubby elderly woman tugged a non-existent pup to her breast, cooing into an imaginary ear.

"Ya got the fever?" an older looking man asked, though Starsky knew by the smooth complexion that he couldn't have been more than five years older than himself, the steely grey hair making him appear far older at first glance.

"No." He answered honestly. "My friend needs some help."

"Oh. YayYup. Your friend prob'ly needs a good deal a help." The older, youngish man answered.

Turning red, Starsky just nodded and picked up a three year old Time magazine. Fuckin' guy's yang needs more of a ying than I can give 'im." He mumbled under his breath. "Jesus Hutch ya seem totally sane compared ta these yahoos!"

"David Starsky?" A soft voice emitted from a lovely looking darkhaired women holding open a door that had gone unnoticed by the curly haired detective. The frame had blended perfectly with the off-white walls.

Rising quickly, Starsky tossed the magazine onto the lap of the woman with the unseen dog. "I think ya just saved my soul!" he laughed as he came up to and followed the slender woman through the door.

"I'm sorry Mr. Starsky, but our clientele is a bit mixed." She smiled as she pointed him towards an open though much darker door.

"No shit! 'M just glad Hutch didn't have ta wait through that! I'd never get 'im back in here." Starsky smiled as he knocked and opened the mahogany door.

"Hutch?" The young nurse asked.

"Yeah. Hutch...he's my lover." Starsky grinned with pride before turning to face the office he had just opened the door to.

"Fairies, faggots and fruitcakes!" The receptionist smile disappeared as she muttered under her breath, turning to shut the door. "I think it's time I found another profession."

"Maybe you should try getting somthin' hot an' live stuck up your ass!"Starsky yelled after her holding the door open, causing the young woman to scurry and the brunette to laugh.

"So you and Ken are lovers?" The soft voice hit his back and ears like a soft caress.

"Doctor Sherlow?" Starsky turned red as he responded and slowly turned around, hand still on the knob.

Rising from the large desk and coming around, the petite blond woman held her hand out in greeting. "Please call me Lana, and it sounds like, from the little you told me, your lover has more going on than he can handle."

Starsky studied the near perfect features under the straight dirty blond hair before relaxing and pulling out one of the cushioned chairs on his side of her desk. "Somethin's botherin' him." He decided to remain non-commital.

She smiled knowingly, throwing the brunette off guard. "I bet he's puking his guts out as we speak."

Rising swiftly gripping the sides of the chair, Starsky glared across the desk wishing all the gods that the figure behind it was male instead of female. "Ya got a lot a fuckin' nerve woman!!!"

"Don't I just!!!" She too had risen to meet his ire. "Do you want to help or hinder him?" Lana leaned across her desk, supporting her slim frame on strong looking hands.

"'M sorry." Starsky sat rigidly.

"No you're not!" The light voice hissed across the table. "You didn't like the idea that your partner would have to talk to a woman any more than you do."

"That's not true!!" Starsky bolted back up. "I just wanna make sure he doesn't get stuck with a quack!"

Nodding her head, her own fine hair bouncing with the gesture, she sat back down. "Nightmares, weight loss, breakdowns in public or near public places? Sounds like a classic case of depression or repressed anxiety to me." She picked up a pen while drawing a notepad from a drawer."What has happened to him in the last six months to five years?"

"Holy fuck!" Starsky's mouth hung agape. "The last five years!!!?"

"Okay. How about the last six months to a year?" The hazel eyes bored into him across the expanse of the desk.

"Nothin' really." Starsky began. "He was nabbed by a coupla losers, father an' daughter team, an' beaten pretty bad."

Hutch felt almost whole, taking a long shower he smiled as he lathered up the expensive soap his lover caught him on. "Skin's not so sensitive Starsk, just want you to like how I smell." He muttered happily to himself.

Totally rinsed, he left the bathroom still rubbing a towel over his water darkened hair. Pulling out a pair of jeans he began to whistle trying to think about what he could pick up to make for dinner, delighting in the thought that thinking of another of another meal was more than appealing. "I love you Starsk!" Hutch laughed aloud in the empty apartment, thinking a T-shirt would be fine under his leather jacket. Beginning to loop his belt through the denims he suddenly fell to his knees. Pulling the thin strip back out he stared at it, not comprehending why it caused the bile to rise in his throat. Barely making it back to the washroom he lost, just as his partner predicted, everything he had consumed that morning. "Oh Fuck!! Oh Fuck! What's wrong with me!" Emptied, he crawled to the phone in the living room, picking up the green receiver he held the card in a shaky hand as he punched in the numbers.

The phone blared in the stillness of the doctor's office. Both she and Starsky looked at it for what seemed an endless time. "Why don't you get it?" She picked it up and handed the receiver to him. "I'm not expecting any calls.

"Hutch!!" Starsky yelled needlessly into the phone. "Easy..easy babe.. it's okay!! Come on Hutch you're gonna be fine." Looking at the doctor, amazement and worry co-mingled in his fear darkened eyes. "The belt can't hurt ya babe...that's right just stay by the phone.. okay! Alright! I'll be there as fast as I can." Hanging up the phone he paused briefly to glance at the concerned doctor. "I haveta go, I should never have left 'im." he stood abruptly knocking over the chair in his haste.

"I'm coming with you." The doctor stated as she reached under her desk and pulled out a dark leather bag. "I think he needs to be admitted and the sooner the better."

"You can come lady, but there ain't no way in hell you're puttin' him inta a looney bin." Starsky almost pushed her out the door he held open, his upbringing not allowing him to shove her aside in his urge to get to his partner.

"He needs therapy and the best way he can get that is to be hospitalized." Sherlow argued as she fell into the passenger side of the bright red car.

"You're wrong! The best way he can get help is for me ta know what's goin' on in his head and help 'im through it!" Starsky yelled at her as he started the Torino before he was fully seated.

The Doctor bit her lip as she held on to the door handle. "Really! Well aren't you special detective! You're lover was severely beaten and raped and six months after the fact you can't figure out what is wrong with him!?" Spittle flew at him along with her words.

"He was fucking fine!! He talked about...Hell I didn't wanna hear it!! But he talked about it.. He seemed..he seemed alright!" Starsky's voice echoed with it's heat in the confines of the car. "He was okay with it all." His voicefinished in a barely heard whisper.

Softening her own voice, Lana felt compelled to ask. "How much do you think he was trying to make everything alright for you?"

"All of it." If there had been any noise from the street entering the car, she wouldn't have heard the brunette's near silent response. He smiled a little as he pressed further on the gas. "Hutch…well Hutch doesn't like anyone ta worry 'bout anything."

"You love him a great deal, don't you?" She reached over to squeeze the tense thigh.

"More'n life." Starsky uttered.

Hutch clung to the phone, afraid to set it back in its cradle. He was torn between fear and wanting to show his lover and best friend that he was on the mend. Afraid to look back towards the bedroom, and ashamed that he wasn't able to get up and go pick up the groceries they so desperately needed, all he could do was chant. "Starsky help!" over and over until his throat became raw and his voice nothing but a hoarse whisper. Guilt and remorse forced him up and back to the washroom. Cleaning up the mess he had made, swallowing back the recurring bile from the smell, he brushed his teeth before grabbing his jacket and gun from the hook at the top of the bookcase separating the bedroom from the living room. Afraid his lover wouldn't be back before the demons struck again, he decided to get to the openness of the beach. Before bolting he quickly jotted down 'Beach' on the back of the calling card his partner had left by the phone.

"He's not here." Lana stood just in the door as she watched the curly-haired man pick up a card by the phone on the coffee table.

Starsky held the small card to his chest, shutting his eyes. "He went down ta the beach."

"Is that a usual place for him to go when he hurts?" She slowly walked around the small room taking note of the guitar, piano and various photos of two men. "Is this Hutch?" She asked pointing at a framed photo of the man with her and another much fairer one.

"He's extremely good looking." She felt a flush hit her cheeks, thinking what a shame that these two gorgeous men had eyes for only each other. "Shall we go find him?"

"He goes ta the beach when ever he needs space." Starsky ignored the rest, jealousy surging as he watched her memorizing his blond's looks.

"Right now he needs to get help." Sherlow took her eyes away from the photo and looked back at the intense man still holding her calling card.

Nodding, Starsky took one more brief look around the apartment. He spotted the belt that had obviously been thrown over the end table in the bedroom. "Ya might be right about the Reynold's doc." He pointed it out to her. "But there ain't no way in Hell 'm lettin' ya take him to a hospital."

"Can we just find him? We'll talk about treatment after I get to speak to him?" Lana got the distinct feeling that the darker of the pair was going to be the biggest hurdle in helping the wounded.

"Yeah." Starsky pocketed the card and headed back for the door. "Hope your not allergic ta sand, 'cause he'll be way down the beach."

"As long as it's low tide I don't have a problem." She smiled while passing the fearfully intense man holding the door.

Part 6

Head bowed, hands in the pockets of his jeans, Hutch shuffled slowly down the beach unconsciously following the water line. The squawking of the seagulls as they swooped and dove in their endless search for food would have normally caused him to pause and watch for a few moments, smiling at them while sucking back the salty breeze blowing off the water. All he was aware of now was trying to figure out what could have brought on this latest, most severe wave of anxiety. "It was just a belt! Come on Hutchinson think! What could be so god damn intimidating about a fucking belt!" Looking around quickly, he breathed a deep sigh of relief when he saw he was far from anyone that could hear him as he realized he was talking out loud.

Walking a little further he sat on the sand moving just far enough away from the ocean's edge to ensure he stayed dry. His hands draped around his bent legs, chin resting on his knees he stared sadly out at the gently breaking waves. Smiling bitterly, he speculated how long it would be before his curly haired partner would tire of watching him lose his sanity. Wondering himself if he was just delaying the inevitable, he leaned his chest closer to his legs feeling the comforting hardness of his magnum as it pressed against his thigh. "You can end it anytime you want." A soft voice he recognized as his own suggested.

His eyes widened as he sat up straighter, frightened but not entirely surprised that his thoughts had begun to take a darker turn. "Fuck off!" He replied aloud. Never before having thought of anything but fighting to live as long as possible, Hutch began to tremble, wishing he had never left the confines of the apartment and praying that his lifeline would get there soon. "Come on Starsk! Now I'm starting talk to myself." He bit hard on his lip, drawing blood, to keep the terror at bay. "What made me think I'd feel safe anywhere?" As bad as the last couple of months had been, it was the first time Hutch felt real fear of what he might do to himself. Removing his weapon he glared at it, at the same time holding it in one hand, close to his chest, while lovingly stroking the butt and the barrel with the other.

Starsky's indigo eyes were slit and his firm jaw clenched in concentration as he scanned the immediate vicinity of the beach in search of the tall figure and blond hair he'd recognize immediately. Pulling over as close as the wooden guardrail would allow he silenced the engine. "Sure you don't wanna wait here? Those shoes you have on aren't exactly practical for strollin' on the sand."

"I agree with you there Dave, but I think it's important for me to see what state he's in before he has a chance for you to let him know I'm with you." Lana smiled at him before opening the door and climbing out. "Besides this wouldn't be the first time that I found myself walking around outdoors in stockinged feet."

Hopping over the rail he held out a hand to assist the doctor over. He started to fidget with impatience as he waited the few seconds for Lana to remove her shoes and place them neatly under a rail and beside a post. "I don't suppose you'd mind if I went on ahead?" He looked at her with a pained expression. As they moved off down the beach, Lana couldn't help sneaking furtive glances at the determined man beside her. He seemed to have a one-track mind and it seemed to have little patience for anything or anyone not concerning his partner. "Can I ask you something?" She was half skipping trying to keep up.

"What now?" Starsky looked back slowing only slightly when he seen she was hop walking. "I thought we covered everything in the car. Where, when, how we met. How long we've bin best friends, how long we've bin lovers.."

"I know..I know!" She laughed a little breathlessly. "I'm just curious why this morning you made it such a point to tell the receptionist you and Ken were lovers?"

"I don't know." Starsky furrowed his brow in thought, before shrugging. "I guess being in a doctor's office, confidentiality and all that. We just haveta be so damn careful all the time, I guess I just wanted ta be able to say it front of someone, anyone, when I'd really like ta shout it ta the entire world." He looked over his shoulder at her with a bashfully crooked grin. "It felt real good too."

"I bet it did!" Lana could hardly wait to meet and help the man that made this one so delightfully happy. "I want to apologize about the secretary, she's only a temp and I guarantee you David she'll be gone after I get back. There was no excuse for that comment she made, especially in that particular environment."

"That's alright doc. I wasn't exactly Mr. Nice guy ta her either." Starsky had begun to slow, his gaze fixed at a point still a good distance away.

Lana hadn't realized that she was now walking normally, and wasn't prepared when the curly haired man came to an abrupt halt causing her to almost run head on into his back. "What is it Dave?" She was slightly annoyed, it didn't help that the hose were beginning to burn the bottom of her feet.

"There he is." Starsky nodded forward and picked up his pace again. But not before the doctor had seen the deep love and tears of compassion filling his sapphire eyes.

Hutch had begun to rock back and forth, but immediately stiffened when he sensed someone approaching. Clutching the magnum tightly to his chest he slowly turned his head. Looking like a little boy who just greeted his hero father after a long trip, Hutch beamed brightly when he saw the tightly controlled and much awaited sight of his lover. "Am I ever glad to see you Starsk." His eyes pleaded understanding.

"Well I'm here now buddy." Starsky approached with hands raised. He fell to his knees, gently prying the weapon away from his love. He tried to control the trembling as he shoved the gun into the back of his jeans and wrapped his lover in a fierce bear hug, thanking every god he could think of that he hadn't been too late. "Everything's gonna be okay now. I promise."

"The..the belt." Hutch tried to stop himself, but couldn't quite control the release of emotion as tears began to soak into the shoulder of the brown leather. "I don't know what happened, just the be..belt."

"I know babe. I know. Shh." Starsky rocked back and forth on his heals. "I think we know what's bin goin' on now. The fixin' it is all that's left ta do now."

Sherlow had stood back watching the exchange, almost afraid herself, to get too close to the glowing circle of devotion surrounding the two men. Approaching cautiously she froze in her tracks when the clearest blue eyes she had ever seen peered at her from around the dark curls.

"Who the hell is this!?" Hutch pulled away from his partner's embrace and stood rapidly, ignoring the stiffness in his legs. Brushing the sand off his jeans anger flashed in his eyes as they darted between the strange woman and his lover.

"Calm down Hutch." Starsky also came to his feet, gripping his blond's arm, he felt a little bereft not having the one he loved so much in his arms any longer. "This is Dr. Sherlow." Turning towards the still unmoving woman. "Lana this is my partner, Hutch."

Though still incensed, Hutch felt a rush of shame flush his face. Stepping forward he offered an outstretched hand. "I'm sorry I yelled Doctor. I..well I guess I wasn't expecting him" He tilted his head towards his partner. "To bring along a friend."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. Ken isn't it?" She continued after a slight nod. "I know this isn't exactly how you were expecting to meet me, but we were both very..um.. worried about you. After the phone call I mean." Lana blushed herself and was more than a little disconcerted at how this gorgeous man, though terribly thin and obviously troubled, affected her.

Starsky looked on, torn between annoyance at Lana's conspicuous attraction and his own agitated concern for his Hutch. "Ahem." He cleared his throat a tad theatrically. "Let's not forget who he belongs ta and who's supposed ta help set 'im back on the right track."

"Starsky!" Hutch was appalled at the innuendo in his partner's words.

Although the tone was light, Sherlow didn't mistake the gleam of Possessiveness in the dark orbs as the brunette edged a little closer to the tall blond. Flushing a little deeper she managed to find her voice. "It's alright Ken. I was made blatantly aware of the fact that the two of you are a couple."

Hutch was mad as hell, forgetting for the moment that he was the reason they were all standing on a deserted beach close to the roar of the incoming surf. "First of all you bastard! I don't belong to anybody! Got that? Nobody!" He snapped his head around, index finger stabbing air, levelling his lover with an icy glare, then swung it back to deliver a couple of daggers at the shocked woman. "And I sure as hell don't need to be patronized by some fucking PHD that looks like she should be playing hopscotch with her little friends!" He then stormed off back the way he had come, leaving Starsky and Lana staring after him, mouths agape.

Starsky regained his composure first. "He tends ta be a little temperamental from time ta time." He apologized.

"Yes. It would certainly seem so." She replied drolly, then began to giggle. "You certainly must have your hands full with him at the best of times."

Starsky grinned mischievously at her. "The best a times are when he's fillin' my hands." He laughed aloud as she suddenly turned scarlet. Holding out his arm he waited until she looped her hand through, and they followed their steaming patient back towards the Torino.

"I'm not a threat, David." She squeezed his arm affectionately. "But I am a woman, and you are both extremely attractive men. I certainly see what drew you to each other."

"I may be in head over heels with Hutch, Lana." Starsky had increased their pace, almost to the point of dragging her along, not taking his eyes off the retreating form of his lover. "But I still have a great appreciation for the female form, and you my lovely lady are one fine specimen."

"David?" Lana pulled on his arm, trying to slow him down a little.

"What? Come on Doc we're gonna lose 'im." Starsky tried to keep the impatience out of his voice.

She pulled her arm free and let him stride ahead of her. "You go on ahead I'll catch up with you soon."

"You sure?" Starsky stopped, turning halfway, so he could still keep his blond in sight.

Nodding, Lana added before he bolted. "We are going to get him through this Dave, but you need to know that just because we have a very good idea what is happening doesn't mean he's going to be the old Ken by tomorrow morning."

"I know it's all 'bout the Reynold's an' what they did to 'im, so what's the problem?" Starsky's attention was now fully on the Doctor.

"The problem is Dave, he doesn't remember very much about it." Holding up her hand to silence the forthcoming protest. "Oh he knows what happened to him alright. But he doesn't remember it. He has it all blocked deep inside his head, and it's only now that it's starting to come to the surface." She took a deep breath then continued. "Hutch just doesn't know that yet."

Panic seized Starsky all over, with one last look at Lana he raced after his everything.

Part 7

"I know Starsk. I had no right to act like I did." Hutch was leaning against the hood of the car, eyes averted, as his partner slowed and approached at a walk. "I probably shouldn't have called. I never even thought about you being in her office."

"That's thinkin' Hutch." Starsky huffed, not sure if he should hold his lug or beat him up. "That way you could come tearin' on out here all by yourself and I'd find out, God knows when, that ya decided ta donate your remains to the U of Crab for scientific fuckin' research!" His voice escalated with the dread that clenched his heart seeing the barrel of the gun aimed so close to his lover's face.

Hutch snapped his eyes up to meet his brunette's. "You don't really think I would have done anything that stupid! Do you?"

"You tell me babe." Starsky's voice softened as moved into the blond's space, latching on to both of the leather clad biceps. "Tell me. Tell me what YOU were thinkin'." He gave a firm but gentle shake.

"For just a few seconds a part of me wanted to Starsk." He whispered as anguished cyan met the equally distressed cobalt. "I never thought of anything like that before. Starsky I've never been so scared in my life."

"'M pretty positive there was at least one other time babe." Starsky brought his hands up to cup both sides of the handsome face he adored. The weight loss was beginning to create a cadaverous appearance that caused him to shudder again, envisioning how close he could have come to being too late.

Hutch looked at him in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Quickly looking back over his shoulder, Starsky could see that the Doctor would soon be joining them. "I think we should wait ta see what Lana has ta say before I tell ya anything."

"Jesus Starsk!" Hutch gulped feeling somehow betrayed. "Can't you at least clue me in a bit? I mean I don't think I can handle too many more surprises buddy."

"Ryan and Layla Reynolds, Hutch." Starsky hated seeing the mistrust in his lover's eyes. "She seems ta think they’re the key."

"That's ridiculous!" Hutch sputtered. "All that is ancient history Gordo...I haven't even thought about them since a few weeks after it was all over! What are you talking about?"

"That's all 'm sayin' for now Hutch." Starsky cast another quick glance over his shoulder. "Trust me babe. That's all. Just trust me an' let’s hear her out 'kay?"

Hutch reluctantly nodded, knowing he was near his wits end anyway. "Okay Starsk. I'll try."

"You boys certainly move a lot faster than I can." Lana came up to stand just outside of their private circle.

"We also had the benefit of wearin' somethin' on our feet Doc." Starsky stepped back a little from his blond.

"Look Dr. Sherlow..I..I really want to apologize for being such a jerk back there." Hutch tinted a little, but kept his eyes on hers, noting that she really was quite pretty. The hazel eyes had flecks of green that looked like tiny emeralds.

"No need to apologize Ken and please just call me Lana." She smiled warmly. "Or would you prefer I use Hutch instead?"

Hutch inhaled nervously through his nose. "Ken would be fine."

"Let me guess? Only your friends call you Hutch." She bit back a laugh as he glared at her.

"Careful Hutch. In the first 30 seconds I met her I was ready ta fly across the desk an' choke her." Starsky put an arm around the hollowed waist grinning broadly. "She kinda wears on ya in a short time though." He winked at Lana.

"Now that the bonding is over with, what's next?" Hutch knew he was being uncooperative, he also realized that he held nothing against the lady except his ingrained fear of her profession.

"For now I'd like to go back to where you live. I think you need to feel comfortable and that there is no longer a threat in your home." Lana reached out and squeezed the long fingers in her small hand.

"After that?" Hutch was beginning to relax, the feel of his lover's arm around him creating a shield.

"We'll decide the after that when it gets there Ken." Lana retrieved her shoes, opened the door to the Torino and climbed into the back seat.

Starsky and Hutch exchanged bemused expressions as they also prepared to get in the car.

"She's quite the little gem isn't she partner?" Starsky grinned as he made to move to the driver's side.

"You can say that again. In another ten minutes I'm going to feel like I have to raise my hand to ask a question." Hutch shook his head reaching for the door on his side.

Starsky protectively entered the apartment ahead of Hutch, hoping that if his blond saw him inside he wouldn't be afraid to enter.

"For Crissake Starsk! I know there's nothing in here." Hutch entered close behind and passed the nonplussed brunette. Going into the kitchen he grabbed a beer out of the fridge and came back to flop wearily on the couch.

"I'd really like to clean up a bit if you don't mind?" Lana aimed her question at Hutch but touched Starsky's arm.

"Go ahead. Bathroom's right in there." Starsky cocked a thumb towards the room beside the front door, still watching his Hutch.

"Don't let him drink that beer." Lana whispered. "I want to give him something to knock him out for quite awhile." She then quietly entered the washroom, shutting the door softly behind her.

Starsky moved around the couch to sit sideways facing his blond. Casually reaching over, he plucked the beer out of his lover's hand, popped the tab and took a large swig. "How ya feelin'?" He asked wiping his mouth with the back of his other hand.

"I don't know Starsk. So much for sleeping well last night, I feel like I've been rode hard and put out wet." Hutch smiled sheepishly at his brunette, not noticing that his beer had been commandeered.

Lana emerged from the washroom, heels on and hose gone. Retrieving her bag from beside the front door she came around setting it on the coffee table in front of the two men. "For now gentlemen I am just going to give Ken here a shot to help him rest up." She withdrew a smaller case from inside her bag, motioning for Hutch to remove his shirt.

Starsky watched every move she made, as she patiently took all of Hutch's vitals, marking them down in a small notebook. That done she withdrew a syringe and filled it from a cork stopped tube.Starsky grabbed her arm a little more roughly than he intended. "What is that exactly?" He asked, eyes not wavering from the syringe.

Hutch had remained silent throughout the examination, and now had apprehensive eyes locked on the end of the needle.

"Don't worry, either of you. Your Captain sent me over his file, I am well aware of his previous addiction. Although this is Xanax, I will be controlling the dosage. Right now this is just an immediate, bandaid so to speak. It will help reduce your anxiety Ken and help you sleep and rid you of symptoms of panic." She smiled reassuringly at both of them. "We'll be moving on to other, non-dependant, medications for the long term."

Starsky released her arm only after receiving a slight nod from his Partner "Don't worry Gordo, you have to take benzodiazepines for awhile to create a dependence." Hutch smiled softly.

"Get yourself to bed Ken." She instructed, Hutch was moving before she spoke, knowing that he would be out in a matter of minutes.

Starsky watched him leave, longing to go with him and make sure he settled in comfortably. "How long will he sleep for?" He turned his attention back to the doctor.

"Quite awhile. I gave him a healthy dose so he could be out as long as tomorrow morning." She replied putting her bag back in order. "I have other patients this afternoon David, but I think we should resume our talk, say at five back in my office?"

"No way doc! 'M not leavin' him here by himself again." Starsky tensed with determination.

"It's important David, I need to know what you can tell me, in detail, what happened to him, in order to get him to talk freely with me." Lana also took a determined stance. "Isn't there anyone you can trust to sit with him for a few hours? I assure you he'll not wake before you are back to watch over him."

Starsky didn't have to think about it, slumping in resignation he nodded. "I'll call Huggy and 'ave 'im come over."

"Huggy?" She cocked an inquisitive eyebrow. "Never mind. Please call me a taxi first though Dave, I really need to get on my way. I have another appointment in less than half an hour."

Starsky waited until she was gone before making the call to Huggy. Explaining briefly what was going on, and that he needed the bear to stay with Hutch, he was somehow not surprised that his friend had already surmised what had been going on with his blond.

"It's about time bro' you decided the man needed outside assistance!" Huggy waited for Starsky to finish his spiel. "Rumour on the street was that our Mr. America was back on the horse. I of course knew better, but was wonderin' what was takin' ya so long ta see the problem."

"Why the hell didn't you say somethin' Hug?" Starsky felt like crawling through the line and wringing the slender brown throat.

"An' you wouldn't a said "he's fine Hug? He'd tell me if there was somethin' goin' down?"" Huggy kept his tone warm, knowing his friend would be feeling more guilty than he already was.

Starsky pursed his lips in consternation. "Yeah. I would have said somethin' like that." He admitted grudgingly.

"Three thrityish sound good bro'?" Huggy asked. "That'll give me time ta prepare somethin' fattenin' in case he wakes up hungry, tho' I strongly doubt that's gonna happen."

Starsky closed his eyes gratefully. "Thanks Hug."

"Not a problem Starsk." Huggy quipped. "Got nothin' better ta do, all is quiet here and if anything does arise Anita can whip ass just as well as I can. An' now that I think about it..in all likelihood she likes whippin' ass."

Hanging up the phone, Starsky checked his watch and decided that a few hours of sleep wouldn't hurt him any either. Foregoing a shower he stood for a few minutes watching Hutch sleep before he set the alarm. Stripping down he quietly slipped under the covers, spooning himself around his lover's back.

Part 8

Starsky had just emerged from the shower, cinching his robe around his waist as he hit the side of his head trying to clear his ear of an annoying drop of water, when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Opening the door he was amused to find that he couldn't see his friends face, for all the packages piled precariously in the thin arms. "What the hell's all this Hug?" He automatically reached to take more than a fair share of the boxes and bags. "Well. I figure as long as my blond brother is in need of TLC then who better than to assist during the absence of the main giver?" Huggy smirked as he passed the stunned brunette and headed for the kitchen. "If you wouldn't mind?" He looked back, swinging his head for the Starsky to follow.

"Whadda ya do? Empty out the restaurant?" Starsky sat his parcels on the table, about to begin snooping. "You can help unload after you go back down stairs and bring up the pot I couldn't quite manage." The Bear instructed.

"'M not dressed yet Hug." Curiosity was getting the better of Starsky.

"Well dude you're a far sight more decent than that water buffalo in the pink halter across the street. I strongly recommend that you don't risk a glance over when you get down there." Huggy feigned a shudder.

Starsky chuckled as he headed for the door. "That's Mrs. Wiggins. Hutch says she's a real sweetheart, but seems ta have delusions that she's a ravin' beauty."

"Just bring up the damn pot, and be careful Starsk, it's still pretty hot." Huggy didn't want to think anymore about the elderly lady across the street.

"This smells great Hug! What is it?" A few minutes later, Starsky came back through the door, holding the large container gingerly by the handles.

"Creamed chicken. Light on the bird, I mean that it is only the finest of breast meat, and heavy on the cream." Huggy grinned at his friend. "Low on spice and rich in flavor. I figure our boy could use some extra calories."

"I havta run Hug. Can ya just make sure he stays safe?" Starsky glanced at his watch and hurried into the bedroom to grab a shirt and socks.

Huggy followed him into the bedroom, closely eyeing the sleeping blond. "Don't look like he'll be moving anytime soon." He raised a closed eyelid and peered under it seeing very little light blue and mostly white.

"Leave 'im alone Hug." Starsky hopped on one foot trying to get a sock on the other. "The doc gave 'm a shot a benaz...banzi..She gave 'im somethin' ta knock 'im out." Giving up he sat on the end of the bed, finished his struggle with the socks and quickly threw on his adidas not bothering to tie them up.

Heading back out to the living room, Huggy in tow, he threw on his weapon and jacket. After a quick pat of his pockets he gave a quick nod, satisfied that his keys were where they should be. "Okay Hug I gotta run or I'll be late. If he wakes up, an' I don't care if it's just ta go have a leak, I want ya ta give me a call. Number's by the phone."

"So get gone already!" Huggy crossed his arms, an amused grin as he cocked an eyebrow. "Nothin' you have to worry about here Starsk. I won't let blondie outta my sight."

"Thanks Hug." Starsky glanced nervously towards the bedroom. "I can't tell ya how much I appreciate this." Huggy walked over and opened the door. "Will you just go do what needs ta be done? I do have to be back at The Pits for the after dinner crowd if ya catch the drift." Huggy was starting to think he may have to throw his friend down the stairs.

"Okay. I can't think a anything else. Alright Hug I'm gone." Starsky patted the lean stomach as he passed, finally on his way. "Don't forget ta call..." He was cut off by the audible click of the door closing behind him.

Huggy spent the next hour puttering around in the small kitchen. He had just finished washing up the dishes he had dirtied and was waiting for the tea biscuits he had made when he almost jumped out of his skin at the sound of an unexpected voice from somewhere behind him.

"I don't know what you have on the go there Hug, but it sure smells good." Hutch gripped the back of the couch, needing to take a break before making it all the way to the washroom.

"You tryin ta kill me bro!? Huggy's heart quickly came back to a normal rhythm, but he now stood in disbelief at how much weight his friend had lost. Until now he had only heard of Hutch's decline and had not witnessed it for himself."And just what the hell do you think you're doin outta bed!?"

"What do you normally have to do after you've been passed out for hours?" Hutch smiled weakly. With a heavy sigh he pushed himself away from the couch, slowly completing the trip to the bathroom.

Worry knotted Huggy's brow as he hurriedly filled a bowl with the still steaming chicken concoction. Setting it on the table he removed the biscuits from the oven, whistling through his teeth as he used his fingers to lift a few of them onto a small plate. He had just cracked a couple of them open, lathering them generously in butter as Hutch came out and slowly made his way to the table. "You hungry blondie?"

"I think so Hug. I'd sure like to try and get something down, and like I said this smells wonderful." Hutch sat down, rubbing his hands over his eyes he peered over the top of his fingers before closing his eyes savoring the delicious aroma hitting his nostrils.

"Don't take this personal an all Hutch. But man! You look like hell." Huggy squeezed a bare shoulder before getting himself a bowl, thinking Hutch would eat better if he wasn't alone. "You also look like you could do with at least another day in the sack."

"I know I'm not at my best Hug." Hutch wasn't paying much attention to his friend as he picked up half a biscuit and spooned some of the thick stew onto it. "Don't worry Hug, the only thing keeping me from heading back to bed right now is this."

"Have as much as you want Hutch, lord knows we got plenty." Huggy was surprised at how hungry he was also, as he picked up a biscuit copying the blond's actions.

"So it wasn't Ken in particular they were after?" They had been talking now for over an hour, although Lana was appalled at the suffering the blond had endured she was also certain that this was also the first time that the brunette had let himself recall that time.

Starsky looked over the desk at her as if she just sprouted another head. "They stalked 'im first. They had our cars and apartments bugged for Chrissake!"

"What I meant is that if they hadn't spotted Ken, they would have simply found another good looking man with fair hair to victimize." She clarified.

Starsky nodded. "Yeah. Hutch wasn't their first victim. As far as we know there was only one other man, before Hutch, that they got to, but there could 'ave been more." Starsky had broken out in a sweat as he was forced to relive the frantic search and horrid condition he had found his blond in.

"Is there anything else that was going on at that time that I should know about?" Lana couldn't help but smile, as she watched Starsky glance anxiously at his watch for what seemed like the hundredth time in as many minutes.

"We had a fight that day."* Starsky chewed briefly on his lower lip. Barely a day had gone by since, that he didn't regret allowing his partner to push him away.

"Serious?" The doctor looked up from the pad she was writing on. "He thought I was seeing someone on the side." Starsky shook his head thinking how stupid they had both been. "I was putting an album together of all the pictures I had of us from over the years...I wanted ta surprise 'im for his birthday."

"Anything else Dave?" Lana smiled warmly at him, knowing how trivial their argument must seem to him now.

"No. I think we covered it all Doc." Starsky was beginning to bounce a little in his chair, anxious to get out of there and back to his Hutch.

Chuckling she rose from her chair and moved around the desk. "Okay Dave. You can get back to him. I'd like to see him first thing tomorrow afternoon if possible. I would have asked to see him in the morning, but it would be better if he could rest as long as possible. Did he wake up at all, since the shot?"

"Didn't even flinch a muscle." Starsky grinned as he reached to shake the slender hand. I'm sorry I came across as a world class jerk earlier today."

"Don't think anything of it David. You've had quite a lot on your mind lately." Releasing his hand, Lana preceded him to the door.

Starsky smirked a little shyly. "Yeah well. Hutch tends ta take up most of the space up there."

Lana's soft laugh brightened the room. "I have to admit that I'm a little envious of the bond you two seem to have found together."

Starsky twisted the knob, opening the door. "We always had that bond. Just took us a while ta figure out what we were supposed ta do with it…"

"Tomorrow at one." She blushed a little shoving him teasingly out the door.

"He'll be here." Starsky saluted before making his way through the waiting area.

Huggy thought his fair-headed friend was going to pass out in his chair. Smiling broadly he wondered if he had ever watched anyone eat before with their eyes shut, and their head bobbing up and down. "Come on big guy. Time we got you back between the sheets." He took the spoon from out of the large hand and hauled the blond up by the armpits.

It was a struggle, but he finally got Hutch back onto the bed, and the covers tucked securely around his neck and shoulders. "Hutch?" He chuckled when he was answered with a soft snore. "That's what I thought." He patted the covered shoulder and tiptoed out of the room, intending to once again wash up the dishes.

He had just finished drying his hands when he heard what could only be the Torino screech to a halt, and a car door slam. He could almost see the fiery brunette bounding up the stairs two and three at a time. Sure enough, seconds later Starsky burst in, nodding with a smile at the bear, fear darkened his already intense blue eyes as he rolled on the balls of his feet to peek in at his still slumbering lover. "He's better than fine Starsky." Huggy thought a lot could be said about leaving the dishes until the end of the day. Taking another bowl and plate down from the cupboard he ladled a healthy portion for the darker half of the infamous duo.

"Looks like he moved a little." Starsky moved to the head of the bed, gently sweeping the wispy bangs away from the closed eyes and tenderly kissing the full lips.

"Moved? He used the John, and get this.." Huggy waved the full bowl beckoning Starsky to come and eat.. "he ate not one but two and a half bowls of my secret special, and two biscuits slathered in butter." Huggy couldn't keep the smug expression off his face. Proud of himself, he was completely unprepared for the rage flashing in the cobalt eyes as Starsky approached. "Relax Starsky!!Everything's cool." He quickly set the bowl on the table and stepped back.

"Why the fuck didn't ya call me Hug!!"Starky grabbed the thin man by his gaudy yellow coat. "I said I wanted ta know if he so much as twitched!!!"

Part 9

"Ah man!!! Come off it Starsky!!" Anger seeped into the brown eyes even as they kept a wary eye on the seething bundle still approaching. Huggy thought Starsky would be ecstatic that he had gotten the blond to eat something. "Did ya not hear me bro'! I said he downed more in one sittin' than he has for the last week."

Starsky had been too shocked to find out that his Hutch had been up and around that indeed he hadn't really heard any more of what Huggy had told him. "What did he say Hug?" He visibly relaxed as The Bear's words finally sunk in.

"That it smelled great." Huggy shrugged turning to reach in a drawer and swung back, handing Starsky a spoon. "He really didn't talk a great deal Starsk. Truth be told if he wasn't movin' I would have bin hard pressed ta know he was awake."

"What did he say Hug?" Starsky repeated sitting down and pulling the bowl closer at the same time picking up and bouncing a biscuit in his other hand.

"Just that he had ta take a leak. He came back out, I asked if he was hungry. How'd ya not notice what was happenin' Starsk?" Huggy sat down one long hand propped up to hold his chin and scowled at his friend.

"I did notice Hug, I guess I was just hopin' it was somethin' temporary like a flu bug an' that he'd put the weight right back on." Starsky paused for a second as guilt once again flushed through him. "What else did he say?"

'Nothin' really bro', he just kept shovellin' back the grub until he almost fell asleep with the spoon in his mouth. I pretty much had to carry him back to bed, and I'll tell ya right now he ain't as light as he looks." Huggy was picking crumbs from the table and depositing them on the now empty plate.

Starsky glanced back towards the bedroom, love shining from his eyes as he got up to help himself to another bowl of stew. "This is really good Hug. I never had stew like this before."

"Probably because it isn't stew. It is creamed chicken." Huggy replied blandly. "You're partner called it stew too."

Starsky just grinned and filled the bowl as much as he could and still make it safely back to the table.

"It's my turn ta run Starsky. If you or Hutch need anything you know where I'll be." Huggy stood and moved towards the phone.

"Here Hug." Starsk leaned back so he could worm his hand into a front pocket of his jeans. It made it's way back out with a set of keys. "Take Hutch's car, he won't be*needing it for awhile." He removed the house key and tossed the rest to his pal.

"Ya figure there could be anything more than vapours in her?" Huggy gave him a skeptical look.

"Don't forget whose sorry excuse for a vehicle it is Hug. I figure ya got 50/50 odds. "Starsky's crooked grin belied the apologetic tone he tried to inflect.

"Don't you go eatin' the contents of that pot. Hutch really seemed ta like it Starsky and he needs it lot more than you right now. I got plenty other foodstuffs now stocking this place, so make yourself something else later. The cost of which will be added to you're current tab." Huggy added with a small smile as he made he way through the door.

"Thanks Hug!" Starsky called after him chuckling as a bony hand waved before the door clicked shut.

After emptying the bowl, Starsky didn't bother cleaning up. Setting the dirty dishes in the sink he wanted only to hold his blond, needing to watch and feel him breathe. Going into the bedroom, he quickly stripped down, letting his clothes fall where they would.

Although he had been enraged for a few minutes after finding out that Hutch had woken, he was also delighted that his blond had managed to eat as much as he had. Lying down facing his blond he manoeuvred Hutch so that the fair head was nestled on his bare chest. He dozed off relishing the feel of his lover's heartbeat against his skin.

Hutch woke several hours later not knowing what time it was, though he knew it must be late, the only light entering the room came from the nearly full moon. Though he felt foggy and slightly disoriented, he smiled after raising his head to peer down at his beloved partner. Bringing a hand up he gently tried to smooth the slightly furrowed brow, cursing himself for being the cause of his brunette to worry even in sleep.

Starsky's eyes shot open at the delicate touch. "Wha..!"

"Shh babe. It's only me." Hutch leaned down to deliver a small kiss to the still slack mouth.

"Whassa matter? Why are you awake again?" Starsky struggled to a sitting position, sure that his partner must have had another bad dream. He ran a hand over his eyes trying to rid them of the bleariness. "You alright Hutch?"

"I'm fine Starsk. Just a little woozy maybe." Hutch took advantage of his lover's higher position, snagging a nipple gently between his teeth. "Mmmm" He purred as he slackened his grip and began to suckle.

"Don't start what ya can't finish there Blintz." Starsky grabbed the silken head pushing in harder against him at the same time he thrust his chest out more.

Hutch let go of his prize and brought himself up on hands and knees, straddling the brunette. "Oh I'm only getting started Gordo, and I have every intention of finishing." He reclaimed the now firm lips, slipping his tongue inside inviting the other to join it in a slow dance.

Starsky was wide awake now, in more ways than one as he ran his hands up and down the soft skin of his blond's back, for a second he cringed hating the feel of his lover's rib cage. "Just a sec babe, my head's gettin' squished between the rails."

Hutch pulled back, taking the opportunity to fumble in the night stand for the lube. Seeing his lover once again flat out on his back he pulled down the covers, taking the semi-erect cock gently in his hand giving it a few tender strokes. "How about you roll on over Gordo. I have something you might be interested in."

"Ya got more 'n one thing blondie." Starsky was beginning to breathe heavier as he tried to thrust and turn over at the same time. Hutch had sat up and turned to face him. Seizing the fortune that had placed his lover's rod directly in front of him, he bent his head and took as much of the rock hard erection into his mouth as he could.

Hutch tilted his head back, stroking his partner harder he grabbed the curly head, patting the soft waves and trying to fight the urge to drive his hips up, the sucking noises and moist mouth threatening to end it all before he wanted. "Ah Jesus! Stop babe! Not like this." He brought his head back up, pushing his lover's away.

"What do ya need Hutch?" Starsky looked up with disappointment, loving the feel of his lover's cock down his throat.

"Over. Come on Starsk roll over now." Hutch climbed off the bed to stand on shaky legs his erection slapping his belly blindly searching for something to ease it's need.

Starsky's eyes briefly met those of his partner's, hunger flashed between them as he quickly turned over exposing his backside over bent knees and gathering the pillows to support his chest. He was not expecting and cried out in delight when the blond climbed behind him, separating the full cheeks and began to rim him achingly slowly. "Christ! Hutch! So good!" He pushed back trying to force the stiff tongue into him.

Hutch settled in pulling his partner back a little as he licked, caressed and sucked the small opening. The unintelligible sounds of pleasure coming from the top of the bed were making his swollen member ache even more. Opening the tube with one hand he lowered his head further laving the tight balls hanging down nearly touching the mattress as he anointed the fingers of his right hand and began to slowly circle the small portal while gently sucking in each round orb and rolling it around inside his mouth. Pushing Starsky's legs further apart, he twisted around to lie on his back, scooting up between the strong thighs he took the base of the hard penis in one hand wrapping his lips around the leaking head while he began to finger fuck, as slowly as he could manage.

"Jesus!!" Starsky was panting heavily as he began to thrust deeply down the hot throat. He could feel Hutch take all of him in and begin to swallow. The brunette began to simper as he pumped faster, letting out a scream as the long fingers brushed his prostrate and he came in one long burst.

Hutch didn't wait for any of the aftershocks, releasing the still twitching cock from his mouth, he removed his fingers and pulled himself out from under his lover. He wasted no time in coating his own throbbing dick, rising on his knees he guided himself and entered, slowly driving himself home. He paused after becoming fully sheathed, Gasping for air, he tried to calm himself. Knowing it was futile he began long agonizingly exquisite strokes picking up speed as Starsky began to whimper in pleasure as his nub was stroked with each passing of the long rod. "I..I can't..not goin..can't last..Ah Jesus!! STARSK!" Hutch yelled as he exploded.

"Think maybe you can move a little babe?" Starsky asked a few minutes later, beginning to tremble from being spent and trying to support his and his blond's weight.

Hutch hadn't realized that he had collapsed onto his brunette's broad back. "Sorry." He managed through gulping breath's then rolled to the side, landing softly on his back. "That was great Starsk."

"Great!? That was fuckin' incredible!" Starsky stretched out on his side trying to catch his own share of much needed air. He lay watching his lover, eyes wide with amazement and awe.

"I'm going to have a shower. Well I'm going to try and go have a shower." Hutch tumbled off the side of the bed coming up on his knees he smiled in adoration at the still panting Starsky. "You're awesome lover." He pushed himself up and stood swaying.

"Think ya can bring me back a cloth?" Starsky smiled wearily up, love sparkling from his eyes even in the dimness of the moonlit room.

Hutch simply nodded as he turned and headed towards the bathroom.

The blond managed to wash and rinse his body before sitting in the tub to let the shower rain down on him as he washed his hair. Turning the taps off he reached for a towel that had fallen from the rod to the floor and feebly dried his hair and upper body. He weakly pushed open the shower curtain, but remained sitting where he was.

Starsky lay contentedly smiling up at the ceiling. His ears had been cocked listening to the shower, and he was surprised when a few minutes went by after the water stopped and his blond still hadn't returned. Struggling to his feet he stumbled towards the washroom, concerned when he reached the half opened door and didn't hear any movement. Gingerly pushing the door all the way open he grinned, all the love he possessed filling the small room to overflowing. An arm dangling over the side and Hutch was snoring softly, his head resting on the edge of the tub. He quietly bent by the edge of the tub and gave his lover a small shake. "What are ya doin' babe?"

Hutch forced his head up, eyes half-mast. "I don't think I can get out of here Gordo."

"You just stay right there while I get cleaned up, then I'll help ya." Starsky soaped up a facecloth in the sink. Quickly washing his body and ass from the remnants of their lovemaking, he tossed the rag behind the door and reached to help pull his lover up and out of the tub.

Hutch was almost asleep even as Starsky was tucking the covers around him. "Thanks Starsk." He muttered with eyes closed.

Exhausted himself, Starsky crawled in beside him. "I gotta find out what Huggy put in that stew." He grinned as he snuggled into his blond.

"Why's that?" Hutch was beginning to slur.

"So I can make sure ya eat some everyday. I can't wait ta see what it makes ya do when yer all better." He chuckled happily before drifting off himself.

Part 10

Starsky woke up to bright sunlight streaming through the window forcing his eyes to clench shut as he hastily snatched a pillow to press over his face. Panic seized him seconds later when he realized whose pillow he had grabbed and that he was now alone in the queen size bed. "Hutch!!" He threw the cushion aside, sitting up he let his eyes confirm what he had already sensed.

"I'm right here Starsk." Hutch smiled as he leaned forward, letting the chair he had leaning against the window sill fall back on four legs.

Starsky's dark blue's softened when he saw that not only was his Hutch safe, but he was in the process of sopping a cold tea biscuit into a bowl of the reheated concoction Huggy had left behind. "Ya really do love that stuff dontcha?" His cock twitched in memory of the night before while he watched his blond's decadent lips wrap themselves around the heavily laden spoon.

"It's fucking ambrosia hon!" Hutch managed around a too full mouth. "I guess I have a rendezvous with our petite shrink friend today." Hutch added, the question delivered as a statement.

"Just after lunch." Starsky tried to tear his gaze away, congratulating himself for keeping little Davey calm. He almost moaned aloud when he looked toward the clock and his eyes fell, instead on the multiply dented tube of lubricant. His lower body began to quiver in hope.

"I don't really think I need to see her Starsk." Hutch used the rest of the biscuit to wipe the inside of the now empty bowl clean.

"Don't get so excited babe." Starsky threw back the covers, scrunching up his nose as he rubbed his rough face and knew he was in dire need of a better cleaning than he had allowed himself the night before. "I think a lot of what you're feelin' is from the shot she gave ya, and the food and sleep ya had."

Hutch sat watching the love of his life struggle to get himself more alert before responding. He waited until his Starsky managed to stand on unsteady legs before he nodded in agreement. "I know I still have a way to go. I also know that I have yet to face the demons, but I think...hell I know that I'm back on solid ground Starsk. I also know that it was only you that held on and kept me from teetering over the edge."

"What time is it Blintz?" Starsky grinned broadly, but didn't want to risk looking over at the night stand again. He hoped against hope that his lover was, indeed, over the worst.

"Almost ten." Hutch stood, still feeling a bit dizzy, but hiding the fact from his partner as he tightly gripped the back of the chair.

Starsky used his need to clean up as an excuse to escape from his partner. He needed a few minutes alone to get himself completely under control again. Even standing on opposite sides of the bed he could detect a whiff of his blond's intoxicating scent and fought an urge to leap over and wrestle his lover into a repeat performance of the night before.

"Sherlow wants ta see ya at one." Starsky emerged from the bathroom rubbing his face with a hand towel, fully clothed although his denim shirt was undone as well as his belt. "What's goin' on Hutch?" He stood looking at his blond, before dropping the towel to move around and sit on the couch beside him.

"Nothing really Gordo." Hutch picked some imaginary lint from his jeans. "I just...well I still don't like the idea of having to go see Lana." He looked up with a shy smile.

"Keith Tanner." Starsky reached out and gave his partner's shoulder a small push.

"Keith Tanner? Who the hell is he?" Hutch regarded his lover, scowling in confusion.

"You." Starsky sat back, smiling broadly. "It's so there will be no official record of Kenneth Hutchinson seein' the good doctor on file."

Hutch visibly relaxed. "Keith huh? Sounds a little shady though Starsk."

"Apparently it's done all the time." Starsky just shrugged. "'Sides, who gives a shit. You're getting help and that's all that matters."

Starsky insisted on going with Hutch, although he didn't tell his partner that he wanted to be a shield between his lover and the loonies that could be in the waiting area.

They sat side by side, the few others in the waiting room were blessedly quiet and kept to themselves. Starsky glared at them whenever one tried to sneak a peek at him or his blond. Hutch sat nervously flipping through a magazine, oblivious to the fact that it was upside down. On an up note, Starsky was pleased to see that the somewhat bigoted receptionist was no longer behind the desk. Instead a matronly woman with cat's eye glasses and a friendly smile had taken her place. Starsky watched as she put the phone back in its cradle and came around the side. "Mr. Tanner?" She looked pointedly at Hutch. "The Doctor is ready to see you now."

Starsky grinned. Then quickly glanced at his partner. Hutch it seemed had forgotten his alias, but was quickly reminded after receiving a sharp elbow in his arm. "Huh!" He looked up startled.

"The Doctor is ready for you sir." She smiled warmly as Hutch slowly came to his feet.

Hutch put the magazine back onto the coffee table and cast a final, fearful glance at his lover.

"You'll do great babe." Starsky gave him a thumbs up and nodded encouragingly.

Lana was waiting for him by the door to her office. "Sit wherever you think you'll be most comfortable Ken." She smiled reassuringly at the obviously nervous man. A little disconcerted to feel a stirring in her loins whenever she looked at him, she forced her attraction away reminding herself that he was gay and taken. Not gay. She argued with herself, he was even married at one point.

"Are you alright?" Hutch asked as he sat on the edge of a cushioned armchair.

"Fine Ken, I'm perfectly fine. Just a touch of heartburn." She mentally slapped herself back into her role as psychiatrist and ignoring her desk, sat in a matching chair across from the blond. "I see that Emily measured your height and weight. You are aware that you're underweight for your height and build?"

"I know." Hutch clenched his jaw at her patronizing tone.

"One sixty three is far too..." Hutch didn't allow her to finish.

"Look lady. I know I've lost weight. I know that I've got issues that I have to deal with, I also know that I'm scared and I'm scared of what this is doing to my partner. So you can stop harping on my recent diet and get on with helping me deal with what ever it is I'm supposed to deal with." Hutch kept his voice level, but anger flashed in his eyes.

Lana smiled, liking him all the more. "Okay Ken, you're right of course. I just wanted to try and break in smoothly and tie your weight into everything else that has been happening to you lately."

"I'm sorry do..Lana." Hutch smiled lamely. "I'm just tired. Look, can Starsky be in here with us?"

"I'd prefer to talk to you alone Ken, but if you really want him here I will call him in." Lana frowned slightly, afraid that, if allowed in, the overprotective brunette would begin speaking for the blond.

"No. It's okay then. I..I..well I'd like i..it if he..if he could come in if I break down." Hutch cursed himself for his stutter and his need to have his best friend hold his hand.

Rising to her feet, Lana headed for the door, not liking the stutter in the least, she felt maybe it would be best if David joined them. She tried to think how she could manage to get the wound up detective to sit quietly in the background. "I'll ask him to come in Ken, but it's important that you do the talking for yourself." She stressed before opening the door.

Starsky all but flew into the room, afraid that his blond had already collapsed. He held onto Sherlow's upper arms ready to lift her out of his way before he stopped and saw that Hutch was fine, frightened, but fine.

"This is what I was afraid of Ken." Lana's tone was light, but annoyance sparkled in her eyes as she looked at the blond.

"You can stay with me Starsk if you promise to be a good boy and not interfere." Hutch perked up noticeably at the sight of his lover. "I just really need you here buddy." He added with an embarrassed smile.

Releasing the Doctor, Starsky strutted into the room and stood behind his blond with hands on the broad shoulders nearly surrounding the warm neck. "I'll be as good as gold babe." Starsky squeezed the flesh in his hands slightly as he nodded at Lana.

Over the course of the next couple of hours, Lana had excused herself briefly to cancel all other appointments for the rest of the day, Hutch managed to release all the emotions that had been building since the day he had been taken. The humiliation he had felt at being bound and exposed. His hatred of feeling powerless to help himself. The dark remembrance of being blind and helpless while his captor took him in his mouth. The ultimate shame at ejaculating when arousal was the furthest thing from his mind. All three were in tears several times, Lana futilely trying to maintain some aloofness as the handsome man expressed what he had gone through. Starsky had tears rolling freely down his cheeks as he had to listen to the play by play of his lovers emotional torture. He had been witness to the physical but this was the first time he’d really allowed himself to feel what his beautiful lover had gone through.

"Do you remember the belt Ken?" Lana finally asked.

Hutch took a deep breath. His thousandth, or so he thought, since this session began. Nodding, he finally spoke. "The first time. When I was on my back."

"And?" Lana encouraged biting her lower lip as Starsky continued to massage the tense neck and shoulders.

Shaking his head from side to side, Hutch reached up and squeezed his lover's right hand in his own. "It never stopped. It hurt from the beginning, but it was like a sharp sting, not real bad you know? But it never...it never stopped." His voice hitched, his eyes held the vacate look of being in another place and time.

"What about the second time they did this to you?" She edged closer to the edge of her chair.

Hutch shook his head again and rolled it around his shoulders. "No. I found a secret place to hide and Starsky was there and promised to keep me safe." His eyes came back into focus as he looked at the Doctor. "He locked me in until it was safe to come out."

"You and I both know that Dave wasn't there." Lana kept her voice as soft as a whisper.

"You're wrong Doc." Hutch's eyes flashed in annoyance. "I was there and so was he." He nodded his head in remembrance. "I couldn't have gotten through it without him."

"I think he's had enough for one day Lana." Starsky had bit his tongue throughout the entire session, but knew his blond was wiped. "I wanna get 'im home now." The look in the cobalt eyes left no room for argument.

"Had enough Ken?" Sherlow wanted to make sure that every decision would be the blonds.

"I think I had enough before I got here." Hutch smiled in apology. "No offense Lana but I feel like I've been whipped all over again."

"You can both call me anytime. I really need to see you again next week though Ken, and preferably alone. Dave I'll put you in charge of picking up his prescriptions and making sure he takes them." She smiled at them both, ignoring the wary look the brunette was eyeing her with.

Part 11

"You okay?" Starsky asked as he pulled the Torino out of the parking lot.

"Yeah I'm fine." Hutch reached over and slid his hands under the curls needing to connect with his partner's flesh. "Actually I feel better about everything."

"Really?" Starsky glanced over in disbelief.

"Don't get me wrong Starsk." Hutch chuckled softly. "That was, I think the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But yeah, I really do feel better."

Starsky brought his hand up to squeeze the one holding his neck. "Ya know it's only the beginnin' though Hutch."

"I know, but it had to have been the worst." Hutch smiled.

"Wonder why she's so anxious ta talk alone with ya?" Starsky scowled as jealousy flared, he hadn't missed for a second the want in the doctor's eyes everytime she looked at his Hutch.

"She probably thinks that the worst is over too." Hutch squeezed the suddenly tense neck. "I can't have you holding my hand every step of the way babe." He lowered his voice to take any sting out of his words.

"I like holdin' your hand." Starsky pouted.

"Get me home and I'll let you hold more than that." Hutch leered causing the brunette to laugh.

Starsky quickly sobered. "I was wonderin' if you thought about that too?"

"Thought about what?" Still grinning, Hutch looked at him in confusion.

"Well..not that 'm complainin'. But you do know that ever since the Reynolds thing ya seem ta want sex all the time?" Starsky peeked over to see what his blond would do.

Hutch gazed out the passenger window rubbing his chin in thought. "That's not true Starsk! Making love with you is the best thing I've ever done! I don't think I want sex anymore now than I did bef..well before it happened." He brought his hand down looking over at his partner, cornflower eyes wide with a tinge of uncertainty.

"Ya do. I don't know if ya know this already babe, but I don't blame ya at all for what happened." Starsky swallowed thickly. "Ya gotta know that I know it wasn't your fault he made ya come in his mouth."

"Do you really think I think that?" Hutch asked his voice rising an octave in alarm.

"I think deep down ya feel guilty about it." Starsky reached over and squeezed the blond's knee.

Hutch kept his eyes focused out the window. "Maybe. I don't know, but maybe you're right." The brunette had to strain to hear the mumbled reply.

Starsky wanted to mention a few other things he had come up with since realizing his lover had a problem, but thought it best to let it go for now, wanting only to get his Hutch home and the prescriptions filled, not necessarily in that order.

"We're pretty much out of the Huggy special Blintz, what do ya want for dinner?" Starsky was rooting through the cupboards and fridge, nearly drooling when he spotted the several boxes of Kraft Dinner lined up neatly in a corner cupboard.

"I'm not hungry Starsk." Hutch sat on the couch reading the label on a bottle filled with small yellow pills. "Think I can have a beer with these?"

"One prob'ly won't hurt." Starsky pulled open the fridge door again and extracted a beer for him and one for his lover. "Do ya think ya can eat if I make somethin' anyway?"

Hutch laughed taking the offered bottle as his brunette took a spot on the couch beside him. "How about you let me cook? No offense Gordo, but I'd rather leave you in charge of breakfast, and even that can be scary from time to time."

"You feel up to it? I mean don't take this the wrong way babe, but I think it can't hurt any if ya lay off the bean sprouts for awhile." Starsky ran a thumb over a too pronounced cheek bone.

"How about steaks and baked potatoes?" Hutch leaned his head into his lover's palm.

Starsky was shaking his head before he spoke. "You think you can handle somethin' that heavy?"

Hutch smiled. "You already have something else in mind."

"I was thinkin' we haven't had macaroni and cheese for a long time." Starsky grinned.

"KD! You want me to make KD!?" Hutch snorted just as he took a swallow of beer, gagging as it threatened to spurt out his nose.

"I think I could handle makin' it, I'll even follow the directions this time." Starsky nodded his head, hoping it would help encourage his partner to agree.

"Fill your boots Starsk. I'm going to have another shower while you prepare this feast." Looking at the bottle of pills he had set on the coffee table he decided to forego another swig of beer, and rose undoing his belt. "And I'd greatly appreciate it if you'd add the milk this time."

Starsky also stood. "You will eat it though right?" It wasn't until he had seen the boxes in the cupboard that he had developed a craving, but after he did, it hit him hard.

"I promise." Hutch pointed a finger at him. "As long as you don't put chopped weiners or ketchup in it."

"Fine we'll have it your way." Starsky pulled his blond's face down with both hands and kissed him soundly on the lips.

Hutch broke free and headed to the washroom, shedding his shirt as he went. "Don't forget it's a quarter of a cup." He added before shutting the door.

"A quarter cup a what?" Starsky half turned as the door opened a crack.

"Milk Starsk. Milk." The door clicked shut to the sound of light laughter.

Starsky vowed that no matter what, he wasn't going to let Hutch seduce him. At least not for a few days. He had seen, over the years enough rape victims to know that often they became extremely promiscuous in the weeks months and even years following such an attack. The past histories of many of the prostitutes they had gotten to know over the years had shown him that many turned to their trade after becoming victims themselves. He also knew that, even though he and Hutch had an extremely satisfying sex life before the Reynolds came along, his blond seemed to have acquired an almost desperate compulsion to validate himself through sex since then. "Yeah." Starsky snorted to himself as he poured the pasta into the boiling, evenly measured six cups of water. "And ya really made that connection in record time, didn't ya dummy. How long do ya think it might a taken' ya ta clue in if he didn't stop spending the night detective?" He continued to chastise himself as he gave the contents of the pot a quick stir before laying down the wooden spoon to retrieve the milk and margarine from the fridge. "So much for the seasoned officer of the law ya thought ya were, it took the beautiful lug ta fuck ya silly and pass out in the tub afterward. What were you doing officer? Why I was basking in the afterglow. Fuck!!" Not knowing how to release the anger at himself he flung the tub of margarine across the room and into the greenhouse, whipping around in frustration he gripped the end of countertop in both hands, knuckles turning white and shoulders slumped.

Hutch had come out of the washroom barefoot, jeans on, and a towel draped over his shoulders. He cocked an eyebrow before sauntering across the room and into the greenhouse to find the object that pissed his partner off so much. A little surprised to find the unassuming container of Imperial margarine lodged in the soil, he frowned slightly while brushing the dirt off, noticing that Melissa had a slight scratch at the base of her trunk. Stepping back through the open doorway he silently entered his small kitchen. "Huggy forget you like real butter?" He drolly asked.

The brunette started somewhat at the low voice, having not heard his lover leave the bathroom. He straightened and turned with an apologetic grin. "Nah. Just kicking m'self for bein' such a narcic naryis narienific..." He reached out and took the tub from Hutch.

"Narcissistic?" Hutch placed the margarine on the counter and picked up the spoon to check on the noodles. "Yeah that's it! Narcissistic bastard." Starsky snatched the utensil away and gave his blond a slight shove towards the table.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Hutch asked going to the fridge to get himself some orange juice and his lover another beer. He knew he was somehow to blame for his brunette's outburst.

"Nothin' ta talk about babe." Starsky drained and began to mix the cheese sauce and milk into the pot, deciding they could live without the margarine.

Unseen by Starsky the blond bit his lip, sadness clouding his eyes as he wondered what he could do after dinner to help make things up to his lover.

Even though the claim of four servings on the box was a joke, a miniscule portion was about all either man managed to get down. Dinner was a quiet affair, each lost in their own thoughts. Afterwards, the dishes out of the way, Starsky drifted off for a shower and shave of his own.

Hutch forced himself into action. Stripping down the bed he quickly put on fresh sheets and pillow cases, neatly folding back the covers, he rooted through the second drawer in the nightstand withdrawing two small tootsie rolls. Placing his lover's favorite halloween treats on the top of the hastily fluffed pillows, he turned on the bedside lamp. "Don't worry Gordo. I'll make everything up to you, just give me the time babe." Standing back he shook his head and hurried to the dresser to bring back a dark green t-shirt and placed it over the shade. Nodding his head at the romantic light it created with the glow of the shadows from the setting sun, he stripped off his jeans, searching frantically until he found the black silk g-string jock strap Starsky had bought for him and insisted he model so many months before, and slipped it on just as he heard the pipes clank signalling that the water had been turned off.

Starsky felt much better after shaving and getting under the hot spray. He was still pissed off at himself, but turned his thoughts back to how much progress his Hutch seemed to have made in such a short time. Hoping that now that he had come out of 'selfish mode' he would be far better able to help his Blintz come to grips with his surfacing emotions. Thinking that between himself and Lana, Hutch would be fixed up in no time. He paused while soaping up his chest, rivalry caused his face to burn as a sudden vision of Hutch and the pretty doctor locked in a passionate embrace flashed then locked itself in his mind. "Not fuckin' likely Sherlow, get your own Hutch!" He spluttered through the water pouring over his head and face. He rinsed quickly no longer finding the shower quite so relaxing.

Hutch was waiting in the shadows when Starsky stepped out of the washroom a towel wrapped around his waist. He held his breath staring at his lover's damp body, he missed the wary look that was shining from two sapphire orbs in the near dark of the fading sun.

"Hutch?" Starsky clenched the towel closer around his middle.

"Over here." Hutch stepped out a little, not realizing that the soft glow from the bedroom and his pale skin made him look like the definition of flawless. His eyes were shadowed and his head topped with the golden crown of perfection.

Shaking his head slowly Starsky wanted so much to move forward, but forced himself to take one step back. "No Hutch. NO! We aren't gonna do this. Not tonight."

"Starsky?" Hutch could hear the dread in his voice as his eyes widened, certain that the rejection he had been waiting for had finally come. "Please?"

Starsky resolved to stay firm, but had to look away from the hurt and fear in his blond's sorrow filled eyes. "We can't babe. Please Hutch not tonight." His whisper carried across the room, he winced as Hutch flinched as if he had been hit.

"You don't want me anymore?" Hutch's voice came back to him like a soft caress, cracked and rippled by the tears of a thousand angels.

Starsky gulped not thinking he could go through with his plan. "I love you. I'll want ya for the rest of my life and the rest after that."

"Then why not come to me now?" Confusion replaced the grief as Hutch tried to force himself to take a breath.

Starsky stood staring at the magnificent man before him, trying to think how to explain that he wasn't rejecting his beautiful blond. Suddenly the same sight of his lover and Sherlow he had in the shower returned. He knew then that he had lost the fight. As quickly as he could he closed the distance between them, and eagerly succumbed to his Hutch's needs and his own wants.

Part 12

Starsky woke with a blinding headache and a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He could blame neither ailment on spending a long night dozing sporadically; no he had slept like a baby still in the womb, with not a care in the world. Rising to his feet as slowly as he could he blindly made his way to the medicine cabinet hidden behind the mirror in the bathroom. Swallowing a few capsules of acetaminophen with codeine, he fought to suppress a smile that he thought would add more pain to his hurting head. 'Wonder how much ya save buyin generic brands Blondie?' After relieving himself, washing his hands and brushing his teeth he then made his way to the couch and layback, hoping the headache wouldn't take long to subside.

He realized two things when his eyes snapped open after falling back asleep. His headache was now just a small niggling and Hutch was up and in the shower. Just as he pushed himself up and put his feet on the floor, guilt slammed into him with such a force he suddenly found himself sitting straight up with his back pressed firmly against the sofa. Shame ran through him with such speed the heat caused his flesh to colour within seconds. He groaned aloud as he began wondering how he was going to face Hutch just as he heard the water shut off.

Hutch woke slowly, after stretching fully he rolled to his side and curled into a fetal position. His upper arm reached out, tentatively, and found that Starsky had already left the bed. He probably left period. The blond's stomach did a flip-flop and his heart began to beat harder as dread wormed around it. Naked and not caring he went to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee, turning to make his way to the washroom he stopped abruptly at the sight of the wavy dark hair propped up on the arm of the couch. Moving forward a few paces he then stopped again, and stared for a few minutes his heart sinking deeper with every beat as he wondered if he had finally lost this one love he'd never thought he would find, and knew he never deserved. A single tear welled and spilled over to run slowly down an unfeeling cheek he continued, shoulder's slumped, towards his original destination.

After shaving, he took his time under the spray of water, his body on autopilot, as he lathered, shampooed and rinsed. Having performed the same ritual a thousand times over, Hutch couldn't keep his mind from turning to the scene from the night before, the sight of his Starsky backing away from his offer of love. His face upturned under the hot rain from the showerhead, he didn't notice the flood of tears running down his face as they mingled with the water.

Starsky had quickly gotten up and threw on a pair of jeans and a shirt, not bothering to button up the latter. After picking up the paper lying on the landing he poured two mugs of coffee he discovered had just finished perking. Adding sugar and milk to his he placed them on the table and took a seat, pulling out the sports section, he tried without success to focus on which team was trading what player.

Hutch kicked himself for not thinking to bring some clothes with him into the bathroom, and had to settle for the navy blue robe hanging behind the door After slipping it on, he tied it as tightly as he could without causing too much discomfort. He gripped the steam-moistened doorknob and drew a nervous breath before turning it and forcing himself to leave the sanctuary of the small room.

"Thanks for getting the coffee Starsk." Hutch pulled up a chair opposite the brunette.

"Only fair, you made it." Starsky replied, without looking up he slid the world news section across the table. "We havta talk Hutch." He began to play with the top corner of the paper.

"Okay." Hutch swallowed thickly, his voice barely audible, though he refused to allow his eyes to stray from the curly mop across from him.

Feeling the intensity from his partners beautiful ice blue eyes, Starsky forced his own indigo ones up to meet them. "About last night."

Nodding, Hutch smiled sadly. "I know why you did it Gordo."

"Ya do!?" Starsky squeaked in surprise.

"Of course I do." Hutch forced himself to take a sip of coffee, relieved that his hand was only slightly trembling. His insides shaking nearly out of control.

"Whew! I tell ya Blintz I was so fuckin ashamed I wasn't sure how I was gonna face ya this mornin'. Starsky grinned a little shyly. "I'm so sorry though babe. I don't know, but between you lookin so gorgeous an devastated at the same time, then havin' visions a seeing Sherlow with her arms around ya. Well I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought." He picked up his mug, shrugging in apology.

"Lana!? What the hell has my shrink got to do with all this!?" Anger flashed from Hutch's eyes as the knot in his belly tightened.

"Calm down babe." Starsky didn't understand why his blond was getting so riled up, then his own stomach clenched as he wondered why Hutch seemed to be getting defensive. "I told ya. You're pretty hard ta resist bein as fuckin' gorgeous as ya are. Then well she flashed inta my mind and well add a pinch a jealousy inta the mix an I buckled."

Hutch abruptly stood and dumped the barely touched contents from his cup into the sink. "So when are you planning to leave?" He knew he couldn't turn to face the love of his life telling him it was now over.

"Leave? Wadda ya mean leave, Hutch. I don't havta go anywhere today." Starsky propped his elbow on the table and rested his chin in the hand.

Hutch swung eyes wild with an even mix of rage and grief. "What do you want from me Starsky!! Just what the hell kind of game are you trying to play!!" His voice boomed throughout the small apartment. Then quickly softened to a near whisper. "I can't take a whole lot more..I can't take any more Starsky." His eyes filled as he slumped against the counter.

Starsky sat in stunned silence, his mouth agape. The silence was broken only by the sounds of their breathing. He kept glancing from the paper back to Hutch, as if waiting for the headline to flash what he should do across the top of the page. "Hutch?" Afraid of how his blond would react he resisted the urge to rush to his side and wrap his arms around him. "Hey babe? I ain't never gonna leave ya." Realization dawned like the sun popping out at midnight. You thought..Awww Jesus Hutch! You thought when I was tryin' ta turn down the lovemaking that I was tryin ta leave ya?"

"Well you were. Weren't you?" Hutch brought his head up wariness and hope battling for dominance in his expression.

"Fuck no!!!" Starsky shouted, flying out of his chair and gripping his partner's biceps in a vicelike grip, this was the first time he'd seen such a leary look in his partner's eyes aimed at him, and he hated seeing it there more than he had ever despised anyone or anything in his life. "I love you Hutch. Come hell or high water I'll never leave ya, you're worth more ta me than my own life, hell! You ARE my life." The cobalt eyes were almost black with the intensity of his emotions. "I thought, no..I think ya need a break from the bedtime marathons babe. I don't know, it's like I was sayin' in the Torino, or tryin' ta say."

"That I think maybe you won't want me because of what Reynold's did?" Hutch visibly relaxed as the stress left his body. "I don't know. Maybe you have a point Gordo." He smiled bashfully. "I still don't see what Lana has to do with any of this."

Starsky eased his grip and began rubbing up and down the long arms. "Ya think you're the only one entitled ta hang-ups? Well I've bin doin' a fair amount a self-analysin' too babe, an I hate ta tell ya that ya haven't got the market cornered. Not by a long shot." He pulled Hutch away from the counter and slid his arms around the thin, but still muscular waist.

Hutch wrapped his arms around his brunette, burying his face in the soft curls as he squeezed Starsky closer to him. "Are you trying to tell me that you're jealous of Lana? Because if you are it's a waste of emotion Gordo, I belong only to you." Suddenly he stiffened and pulled back a little, waiting until Starsky lifted his head of his chest and looked at him. "You were afraid that if you didn't sleep with me last night that I might go looking for it somewhere else."

Starsky cupped the blond's face in both his hands. "Deep down I knew ya wouldn't babe, I guess Sherlow kept poppin' inta my head 'cause I don't like the idea of you bein alone with her in a few days."

"You really want to try it, don't you?" Hutch reached up a hand and began to stroke the soft waves. Pressing Starsky's head back under his chin. "I mean just cuddle and hold each other for awhile." He clarified.

"I think ya need ta babe." Starsky tried to pull back again, without success, to look at his blond. "I mean ya bin practically dead on your feet and still wantin ta go ten rounds."

Hutch nodded as he thought about it. "You're right Starsk. That's not making love, that's trying to prove something." Once again he pressed his brunette closer to him. "Now, can you tell me why you're so green-eyed about the good doctor?"

"It's not really her Blintz. Well I don't like the way she watches ya when ya ain't lookin, but it's everyone else too. Starsky's voice was muffled, his mouth tucked in between the terry robe and his lover's smooth chest. "I just can't stand anyone lookin' at ya. Even Huggy can get my blood boilin' if he touches ya.

"Huggy!?" Hutch bit back a snort. "Huggy Bear!? Oh God Starsk! Pleease don't tell me Dobey brings on that kind of reaction too."

Starsky did pull back this time his brow furrowed as he thought, after coming to some sort of conclusion he shook his head. "Nope. Dobey's just Cap'n Dobey. See Hutch it ain't just a sexual thing, I just can't stand it when anyone touches or looks at ya too long."

"That's a bit obsessive Gordo." Hutch softly murmured. His sky blue eyes full of adoration and concern.

"Well like I said Blintz ya ain't the only one with a few hang ups." Starsky sighed the indigo eyes sparkling with something akin to worship.

"Maybe we both need to spend some time at a funny farm." Hutch began to giggle.

Starsky also began to chuckle. "Think we could still draw a pension while we're in the nut house?"

"Nah. I'd rather we stay right here and create our own little nut nest." Hutch swung his head down to capture his lover's lips with his own.

Starsky broke away to nibble on the pale neck. "We've done that already Blintz."

"Starsk?" Hutch asked.

The brunette quickly pulled his head back, hearing the serious undertone in the small question. "What is it babe?"

"Think you could make us some of your special omelettes?" A loud rumble from his tummy punctuated the blond's request.

"Sure." Both men burst out laughing.

Conclusion

Starsky and Hutch spent the day just enjoying being together, they went to the park and tossed a frisbee back and forth and went shopping together to completely stock the kitchen. Both men had happy, 'I'm so in love I could just burst', grins plastered on their faces as the day passed quietly but far too fast for either mans liking. They laughed, joked and chided each other all throughout the day. Dancing around one another, perfectly in sync, as they prepared dinner together.

"Want sour cream on your potato Hutch?" Starsky almost sang the question.

"Sure." Hutch was trying to remember when the last time was he’d had his knives sharpened as he gingerly tried to slice a tomato. "After dinner how about we go for a walk on the beach?"

Starsky cocked an eyebrow as he fork lifted a t-bone trying to scrape the onions and mushrooms out from under it. "Thought that might be one a that last places you'd wanna go right now babe."

Hutch's delighted laugh filled the small kitchen. "I think maybe it will have a whole new perspective this trip down Gordo."

"Beach walk it is then." Starsky felt a warm tingle run through him at the sound of his lover's smooth and sunny voice.

After eating more than either could comfortably hold, they decided to forego cleaning up and giggled and moaned as they made their way down the stairs and towards the sand and surf. Four hands in two sets of pockets they strolled, shoulder to shoulder, following the waters edge. They stopped to watch the sun begin it's descent below the waters edge, the sky breathtaking as it cast its final protest, it's silent voice screaming orange and red across the horizon.

"Know whats funny Starsk?" Hutch's smile was faint as he gazed at the, almost, daily wonder before him.

Starsky had one eye on the sunset and his other watching his blond. "What's that?"

It didn't take much for Hutch to tear his eyes away, preferring the natural beauty beside him anyway. "To know exactly what happened to you, to know what had been done and even know what had been said and how you were feeling the whole time." Looking down he scratched his right eyebrow. "To know all that and still not remember it." Looking back up he saw that the ocean blue eyes never eft him, he shrugged. "It's weird."

"So now that ya remember it, how does it make ya feel?" Starsky asked softly, still not sure if his Hutch was ready to deal with it.

Hutch smiled gently at him, and nodded his head. "It's tough Gordo, but I also feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Like..well I'm not quite so afraid anymore." Biting his lower lip, he once again looked over the sea. "I don't know. Maybe I'll never really get over it, but I think now that I'll be able to deal with it."

Starsky sighed heavily his eyes beaming with pride, he slapped his partner's shoulder before wrapping his arm around his waist. "You 'n me both babe. Me 'n thee."

Later that evening, sprawled out together on the couch, Hutch had Starsky propped up against his chest, a bowl of chips rested on the brunette's belly. "Think maybe I'll be able to move that appointment with Lana up a little?" Hutch rubbed his nose back and forth, letting the soft curls tickle his nose.

Starsky scowled, his attention immediately off 'The Bride of Frankenstein*' and instantly on full alert. "What's the hurry?"Slowly chewing the chip he had just popped into his mouth.

"I'd really like to get back to work Starsk." Hutch felt his lover tense, and bent his head further to run his tongue over the top of Starsky's ear.

"She's gonna want you in therapy for awhile Hutch, an' Dobey ain't gonna let ya come back unless he knows he doesn't havta worry 'bout ya." Starsky reached out and set the bowl of potato chips on the coffee table.

"So I go to therapy once a week for a month or two." A ghost of a smile crossed his face, Hutch knew the green-eyed monster was trying to possess his brunette again. "I feel two hundred percent better already Gordo. I was on the street when I shouldn't have been, and now I should be and I'm going to need Sherlow's approval in order to get back."

"How soon do ya wanna see her?" Starsky wanted to spend the rest of the week cuddling and reassuring his Blintz that the sex marathons weren't necessary to prove his love or his worth. "I was thinking maybe tomorrow if possible, or maybe the next day." After the bowl was removed, Hutch had wrapped his arms around his bundle, and tightened them now knowing Starsky would not be pleased.

"That's way too soon Hutch!" Starsky tried to squirm around and settled for tilting his head back to look up at his partner.

"Too soon for whom Gordo?" Hutch leaned down and gently kissed his lover's parted lips.

Starsky turned his head back around. Pointedly ignoring the question.

"Attention ladies and gents the great warrior has gone into sulk mode." Hutch tried to imitate his brunette's voice, he could feel Starsky trying to stifle a giggle.

"Fine. Day after tomorrow or the day after that. But not tomorrow." Starsky tried to snuggle closer back into his love. "I still don't like ya seein' her by yourself, 'specially not this soon."

"Tell you what Gordo, you can sit in the waiting room, and if she tries anything I'll scream, and you can ride to my rescue." Hutch tried to keep the smile out of his voice.

"Promise?" Starsky began to chuckle. "I guess I'll havta start workin' on a few things m'self."

Hutch grinned and then yawned. "Can we go to bed now Starsk? My back hurts, and I still want to cuddle."

Starsky was already in bed while Hutch finished up in the washroom. After putting his toothbrush back in it's slot, he looked at the mirror for a minute. He met his eyes and nodded at his reflection, as if two had come to a mutual agreement. Opening the cabinet he took down the small bottle of anti-depressants, with only a slight hesitation he popped the lid and dumped the contents into the toilet, reaching over he pushed down the lever. He didn't wait for it to finish flushing, instead he opened the door and walked quickly, anxious to fall in bed beside his lover.

Two days later Dr. Sherlow was stunned at the change in the tall blond sitting across from her. He exuded self-confidence and the clear blue eyes seemed able to read her soul. And though he was still painfully thin, it was obvious that he had begun to put on weight, he had more color and the small lines of fatigue and stress had all but disappeared from his features. She smiled and issued a nervous giggle after she realized she had been staring. "I'm sorry Ken, I just can't get over how good you look." She mentally kicked herself when she thought that was the understatement of the decade. The man was gorgeous in an aloof 'look but don't touch' sort of way.

Hutch smiled slightly, lips not parting. "Can we just get on with this Lana?" He was wondering what his partner was doing. They had decided to

move over to Starsky's for awhile, both feeling they needed a change of scenery.

Starsky didn't allow himself to stay at home to pace and worry. He had called Dobey earlier that morning before Hutch was out of bed, and announced that in all likelihood they would be back on duty the day after next. He was about to say the next day, but a sudden inspiration had struck him. Their Captain was delighted with the news, he had convinced himself that he had lost both his best detectives for some time to come.

Hutch and Lana were almost at the end of their first session alone, when the Dr. asked. "How are the meds working, they aren't causing any unwanted side effects are they?"

"I wouldn't know Lana." Hutch had risen, his appointment card in hand. "I only took the one, and flushed the rest." His icy eyes sparked, daring her to lecture him.

Sherlow bit her lip, although it was the clear determined eyes that froze her comment, now that he had risen to his full height, she couldn't help think that he appeared to be a tower of strength rather than the man in dire need of help she had met less than a week previous. She finally found her voice after biting back her immediate response. "You still have a way to go Ken, you should be taking the anti-depressants."

"I'm well aware that I need more therapy doc," Hutch replied coolly, smiling to soften the edge in his voice. "but the only medication I need is waiting for me at home."

Lana couldn't help think, just looking at him, that he was, in all likelihood right. "Alright Ken, we'll try it your way for a few weeks, but I want to be the fir..second person to know if you have any kind of setback. Not for the first time she felt a tinge of envy at what this man and his partner had together. "I'll also inform your Captain that you are temporarily fit for duty, but can and will be pulled off at anytime he, I or Dave feel it necessary."

"Same time next week then?" Hutch grinned winsomely at her, feeling like he just won the World Series.

"Yes. I look forward to it." Lana was terribly proud that she managed to get that out without melting into the carpet. "Come, I'll walk you out." She tripped over her feet, Hutch quickly caught her before she could fall.

Chuckling softly Hutch shook his head. "I think I can manage to find my own way out Lana. Maybe you could use a little time alone before your next patient, I admire the way you can deal with people's problems day in and out and not crack yourself."

"Sometimes I wonder how I do that myself Ken. I only wish all of my patients were as strong as you." She smiled gratefully and a little covetously up at him.

Making certain the doctor was standing steadily Hutch moved to the door, opening it he turned briefly and smiled again. "Take care." And then, with a quick wink and a soft click, was gone. Lana brought her hand to her throat, taking a few minutes to collect herself before moving around to sit at her desk. Shaking her head she let out a nervous giggle, already looking forward to their next appointment.

Starsky heard the thunk and rattle of his lover's heap before it pulled to the curb outside. He had been glancing nervously at his watch for the last thirty minutes, trying not to let worry override his common sense. He bounced up off the couch and had the door swung wide open before the blond had managed to make it halfway up the walk. "What took ya so long Blintz?"

Hutch's grin nearly obliterated the lower half of his face. "I stopped to get us a bottle of champagne." he jumped up the steps and planted a quick kiss on his lover's forehead before preceding him through the door.

"Hey what's this!?" Hutch stood dumbfounded in the entrance, eyes focused on the elaborately set table.

"A celebratory dinner babe." Starsky beamed taking the bottle. "Now come on and get you're coat off an' wash up so we can eat. "M starved."

"How'd it go?" Starsky called into the bedroom as he lifted their plates.

Coming out after washing up, Hutch chuckled. "You should have seen the look on her face when I told her I flushed the meds."

Starsky looked up horrified. "Ya what!!"

"It's okay Starsk." Hutch pulled out a chair not noticing what was on his plate. "I only took one, and decided as long as I have you I wouldn't need the rest."

"An' you were plannin' ta tell me when?" Starsky was pissed off and slightly hurt that his blond hadn't consulted him before taking such a drastic step.

"I told her that you were all I needed." Hutch beamed across the table, as Starsky sat down across from him. "Look Starsk I'll probably have some down times, but I can't see anything happening that I can't handle. With your help, I mean."

"Okay, but what if ya have a relapse or somethin'?" Starsky couldn't help smile back.

"You, Dobey or she can pull me off the street anytime. If that happens, then we'll give the meds a chance. " Hutch picked up his fork, his smile widening further when he saw what they were having. "You went to Huggy's."

"No shit Sherlock. Now eat." Starsky had to swallow a snort watching his blond begin to devour, seemingly without swallowing, the chicken stew Huggy had had waiting for the brunette to pickup.

Starsky ate more slowly, not taking his eyes, tearing with the love he felt, from the man across from him. Feeling he was being stared at, Hutch finally looked up. "What?"

"'M waitin'." Starsky picked up a glass of the white wine Huggy had given him to go with the meal.

"What are you waiting for?" Hutch glanced over both shoulders.

"Ta see what you're gonna do." Starsky's dark eyes glittered mischievously.

"Oh." Hutch could feel the heat color his face. "I thought we could only cuddle for awhile."

"Two days of snuggle, one off. Wadda ya say?" Starsky almost laughed aloud as the clear blue eyes deepened to aquamarine. "There is a catch though Blintz."

Hutch's fork went down as his cock rose. "What's the catch?" He swallowed thickly.

"For the next little while I get ta call the shots." Starsky began to squirm as his own erection begged for release from it's confines. "Deal?"

"I can live with that." Hutch laughed as he bolted from his chair. With a roar, Starsky was close on his heals.

Within seconds the room was empty, the remains of the creamed chicken huggy had so thoughtfully prepared, left to congeal as the sun once again began to lament the end of another day.

End