Title: Denial-Land is a Nice Place to be

Author: Goddess Arundhathi

Pairing: Spike/Xander

Rating: R (for slashy thoughts)

Feedback: Yes please.

Archive: If you want, but please let me know.

Disclaimer: None of them are mine. If they were, things wouldn't be this way. Joss, UPN etc. etc. own them all, and they need to start looking after them properly

Spoilers: Some Season 5, up to Intervention.

Summary: During Intervention: The Buffy-bot causes Xander to think differently about Spike.

Denial-Land is a Nice Place to be
By Goddess Arundhathi

"I'm not having sex with Spike. But I'm starting to think you might be."

Eeew. How gross is that. Or maybe not so gross. He is pretty hot. Oh God, no. Don't think that. Gee, thanks Buffy. Give me icky sex thoughts about the evil undead, why don't ya. Okay. I guess it's not really Buffy's fault. I was the one that said he was, what was it? Strong and mysterious and compact but well-muscled. Whoa, down boy. We're in public.

I have to get a grip. Seriously. This is ridiculous. I can't possibly be having lusty bad thoughts about the undead English patient. He's evil. And male. And.oh. Everyone's waiting for me to speak. Let's leave these thoughts until later. In bed. No. No Spike related bed thoughts. That's just wrong. But tempting. Oh God, stop it. Open mouth. Make noise. Speech. Speech that doesn't sound like I want to get intimate with the bleached one.

"Buffy, I saw you. Anya too" Anya nods in support of my statements "We saw you and Spike..with the straddling" And boy was it.interesting.

Someone else enters the room. Someone who looks a whole lot like Buffy. Wow. Two Buffies. Hey, two Spikes would be fun. Please brain, switch off now. I'm clearly delirious. Oh maybe not. Buffy sees two Buffies too. Well I suppose she only sees one, 'cos no mirrors about, but when you *are* Buffy, seeing even one must be pretty strange. Okay brain, focus on room. Buffy (one of them) is speaking.

"Spike's mine. Who's straddling Spike?" Me. Please God, let me. Oh boy. This is getting stupid. I have to stop lusting after Spike.

"Oh my God" When Buffy (number one) speaks, for a moment, I think I said all that out loud, but then I realise she is looking at Buffy. Other Buffy. Okay. That sounded weird even to me. She's staring at Buffy Two like she's some sort of freaky thing. Which, this being Sunnydale..

I should probably be all jokey Xander right about now, or everyone will get suspicious. I've been pretty non-quippy about the whole 'Spike doing Buffy' thing.

"And so say all of us" Okay, so that was lame, even by my standards. I should just shut up. Less chance of people staring at me like I'm the sort of freak that wants to have sex with vampires. On that subject, the Spike-loving Buffy is speaking

"Say, look at you. You look just like me! We're very pretty." Can't argue with that. More Buffy equals more pretty. Even if she is a freaky Hellmouth spawned thing. Or maybe it's Buffy One that's a freak. Or...Oh.thought coming. I remember when there were two of me.

"Two of them!" That's my Willow, making sure we're all on the same page. Even if only she understands it. But this time maybe I'm the one that gets it. Time to butt in.

"Hey, I know this! They're both Buffy!" Oops. Guess Buffy didn't like that idea. She's glaring. And speaking.

"No, *she*'s a robot. She acts just like that girlfriend-bot that Warren guy made. You guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot?"

"Oh, I don't think I'm a robot" Buffy Two is very.well, Buffy-like. But in a boinking Spike sort
of way. Lucky thing. Wish I had my very own Spike to.Oh my God. Of course. That's it. Spike is the big bad behind all this. I should enlighten the group. Wait. Let Anya speak first.

"She's very well done." Okay so, not remotely the point here honey, and not really worth waiting for. Now to show my insight and understanding and all that (but not mention how I came upon it. Naked Spike thoughts not winning many points with the Scoobies (except maybe Buffy Two))

"Spike must have had her built so he could program her t-"

Buffy gets it straight away, and doesn't want me to complete that thought. "Oh god."

Willow looks just as repulsed " Yikes. Imagine the things-"

"No! No, no imagining. Any of you." Guess Buffy doesn't want to share naked Spike images. Big selfish slayer that she is. Oh well. It's too late anyway.

"Already got the visual." And I'm loving it. Shut up brain. That is it. No more thinking. Ever.
Suddenly, thoughts of Spike change track slightly. I'm sure we were doing something blond vampire connected before the whole two Buffy fiasco got started.

Strangely enough, it's Buffy Two (robot Buffy) that gets us back on track. "People. Friends of mine. You're forgetting the most important thing. Glory has Spike and she's going to harm him."

"Glory has Spike?" Oh yeah. Buffy - Real Buffy - wasn't around for that bit. Oh dear.

"We were gonna bring that up." As soon as we figured out a way to tell you without Dawn related freakage.

"We were getting weapons." Anya has her helpful face on. Always a sign that she's lost her ability to understand the whole human thing. Although she seems less freaked about the robot thing than the rest of us. Why don't I have a normal girlfriend. My love life is seriously messed up. And the naughty Spike images in my head at the moment don't seem likely to make it any less so.

"Grab 'em. We're going now. I have to kill him." Buffy is back on top, talking about weapons. Hey. She can't kill Spike. He's mine. Shut op brain. I said no more thinking. Great. Now I'm having arguments with my own icky subconscious. Focus. Glory has Spike.

"We don't even know where to look." Willow looks worried. I don't know why. Buffy has that look that means she knows exactly what to do. Or she's gonna pretend she does.

"I know where to start." And she's off.

~Later that day~

Well that was fun. In a painful, getting beaten up by ugly hobbit like demons and hell gods kind of way. We left Spike back at his crypt. He looked really bad. Maybe I should head back and see if he's okay.

Alright. That's it. Lusting after evil guys is one thing. I'm a highly sexed young man. Worrying about their well-being is another thing completely. That would mean I cared. It's bad enough that Buffy nearly realised I was serious when I said I felt bad about taking the Buffy-bot away from him. It's just, he was so thrashed. I've never seen him look that rough before.

Oh no. I care. About an evil vampire who probably just sold us out to Glory the Hell god to save his own ass. The Hellmouth has finally got me.

What am I talking about. I don't care. It's Spike. He's male. I'm just gonna go home, to Anya, and have nice heterosexual sex. With my GIRLfriend.

Hey. Would you look at that. I'm in a cemetery. Spike's cemetery. Where we left him at death's door three hours ago. Since I'm here, I should probably check he's okay.

Oh. It's the Buffy-bot. Maybe I won't bother. They're probably gonna get all groiny in there.
Wouldn't wanna see that. Who am I kidding. I'd love to see that. Just one little peek. Wonder how she managed to escape from the Magic box anyway.

Oh. They're not getting up close anyway. Just talking. Suppose Spike is a bit beaten up for any
energetic sex games. Wait a minute. I want to listen. Great. Talking to my own mind again. What did Spike just say.

Wow. My world is all cockeyed. Spike didn't tell Glory anything. *Spike* just totally came through for Dawn. He let Glory beat him all up. Normally Bleach Boy would sell us out in a minute. Guess he really does care about Buffy. Lucky her. Oh my God. That's non robotic, real Buffy. Our Buffy. Kissing Spike. My Spike and she's got her lips all over him.

No. Not my Spike. I don't even want a Spike. He's all evil and male. Hello. Totally not gay.
Honestly. Aargh. Going home now. To Anya.

(2)

Okay, so we're running away from the Hell God. That's wise. But probably quite difficult. "What about wheels? I don't think everybody's gonna fit in the Xandermobile?"

And of course, if we've got a tatty old Winnebago, they won't have to. I thought my brain had hit bottom last week when I was thinking X-rated thoughts about Spike, but now Buffy wants to run away, and that's new. And scary. Buffy's wigging. Totally. Not sure how to handle that one. Not really sure I want to try. Usually I want to run away, and she wants to fight. That's things as normal. Now, Buffy's freaked, Tara's brain has been mushed by a hell beast and we're going on a road trip in something that looks like a rusty tin can. Things can't get any worse. Right?

Hey, hang on. Tin can is one thing, but why all the tin *foil*? What's that for? Ok, we're getting on the bus now. Oh good, it's Spike. Yummy Spike. No. Bad. Evil Spike. Not one of our friends, which begs the question.

"What's he doing here" Hey. I was gonna say that. Now I don't get to be rude and everyone's gonna know I'm lusting. Not lusting. I thought we dealt with that already. Spike is male and evil. I am male, straight and sane (except for the whole talking to my own brain thing) I can not possibly have kinky sex thoughts about Spike. He needs to leave. Now.

"He's here because we need him." Yeah sure, Buffy. You need to kiss him again. I saw you, when I was spying on him in his crypt. No Xander. Don't say that. They're gonna know. Not that there is anything to know.

"Like hell we do." Ok that was good. Sounded genuine. Spike is bad. We don't need Spike. What can he do that we can't, apart from embarrass me by looking so hot that I wanna push him down on that table and..No. And nothing. He's useless. Really.

"If Glory finds us, he's the only one besides me that has any chance of protecting Dawn." Oh right. He's not just gorgeous. He has the whole supernatural strength thing too. Sexy. Not sexy. He has that cos he's a bloodsucking fiend. Even more evil than Angel, and I hated him too. Although thinking about it, he was quite buff and..oh that is it. Lusty Spike thoughts are one thing, but Deadboy? Please! This has to stop. Spike has to go. I'll tell Buffy.

"Buffy, come on.."

"Look this isn't a discussion. He stays. Get over it." I'd rather get over him. Right now. Okay, that is it. No more thinking. I'll just sit here and.

Or I could just fall over like a big fool. He may be hot, but he's a terrible driver. Switching off now. No more thinking about Spike and his gorgeous abs, pouty lips and tight trousers. Mmm, nice.

Bleurgh. Not so nice. Oh God, my stomach. Clearly terrible is not a strong enough word to describe Spike's driving. At least I've stopped fantasising about the bleached freak now. I think I'm gonna hurl instead.

Guess it wasn't Spike after all. Even with Giles driving, this is not the most fun I've ever had. Oh
no. Anya, please don't talk about shrimp. My stomach can't take this. I wish they'd all shut up. Goddamn that sexy vampire. He's loving this. Seeing me suffer, and look like an idiot who gets car sick. Oh, he's looking at me. Scowl, Xander You hate him, remember.

"What?" Like he doesn't know what's upset me. What should I say. Well, Spike, I was just wondering, will you have mad monkey sex with me. No. That's not a good comeback

"Would you give it a rest or." Or what, what can I threaten him with. If he doesn't shut up, I'll go
over there and jump his bones? No. Oh, he's gonna speak again. I love that accent.

"Or what, you're gonna toss your cookies on my shoes?" Okay, so now it's not quite so sexy. With the mentioning of sick and all.

"Or you can be undead man walking. See how fast you can hitch a ride with a flaming." I really am gonna hurl now ".thumb" But hey, I finished a sentence. Yay me.

"Shrimp" Oh god. Shut up Spike. If I kissed him, he might be quiet. But then everyone else would start talking, or possibly trying to kill me, if they're Buffy. And also I might throw up in his mouth. Not exactly leading to romance. Not that I want anything Spike related to lead to romance.

Leave. Now. Get away from the vampire. Oh, seat. I'll sit here. Giles won't talk about shrimp. I
hope. Maybe he can get rid of Spike without me having to totally embarrass myself by saying something about how sexy he is. Which would probably be closely followed by getting killed by Buffy or something. She'd think I was a vampire. Or possessed. Again.

"That guy is bloodsuckin' the last nerve right outta me" Mmm, sucking. Spike sucking. Eeww. I did not just think that. Alright, I thought it, but I'm under a lot of stress here. New and interesting experiences and thoughts arriving. Okay, okay, not that new. Ever since the whole Buffy-bot thing, sex with Anya hasn't been quite the same. And I'm not sure she believed me when I said I'd yelled out 'It's you I like' when I came. I know that's pretty lame, but I panicked. She used to be a vengeance demon. I don't want her knowing I'm fantasising about other people, okay, vampires, (well 'vampire' singular) when we're together.

Oops, Giles is talking. Brain, please stop thinking about Spike in front of people. "...Spike may prove useful." Oh, yeah. I could use him. I could use him for all sorts of fun games. Oh, right, Giles means in a fighty sort of way. To help Buffy.

"I don't know if Buffy's thinkin' too clear on that one, or anything else right now." I still feel really sick. Thinking about Spike doesn't help either, 'cos of the combined lust and revulsion and the fear of mocking. From everyone I've ever met. And probably lots of people I haven't. Focus. No-one knows. There's nothing to know. We're not thinking about Spike, we're talking about Buffy. "I've never seen her so."

"She's ... been through more than her fair share of late. She just needs a chance to catch her breath, regroup. She'll be all right." Why doesn't anyone let me finish a sentence. Ok it might be cos they're worried I'll barf on them, but still. It's rude. But Giles is right. This is Buffy. She'll deal

"Yeah. She'll ." Don't vomit. Do not be sick. Not in front of Spike. How embarrassing. Cause of the jokes he could make. Not because I want him to like me. No, really. "Yeah." Good. One word sentences. That's about all I can manage. Maybe I'll just sit here and not speak for a while...

Nearly managed to fall asleep there for a minute. Now Anya's talking. Sometimes I wish she'd just learn when to be quiet. Like normal people. I was quite happy there, dreaming about Spike sucking.Oh god no. Bad brain. You love Anya. She is quirky and ex-demonish. Not annoying or abnormal. Except when she tries to feed people Spam. You do not want Spike. You want a normal life with your slightly strange, but now totally human, girlfriend. Who is a girl.

Normal. Huh. Who am I kidding. I'm the most normal person here and *I'm* having fantasies about a member of the undead who thinks he's Billy Idol. I guess normal is not really on the menu for somebody whose friends are a slayer, two witches, a watcher, a big ball of energy and an incredibly sexy.I mean stupid.chipped vampire. Not that Spike is my friend. He's evil. I hate him.

Hey. Tara just nearly incinerated my vampire. Not *my* vampire. *The* vampire. The evil one who's tried to kill me and all my friends before now. My friends. Poor Willow. She's really worried about Tara. Not that that's exactly shocking news. If some blonde hell bitch sucked out Spikes.Anya's, I mean Anya's, brain, I'd be pretty wigged.

Sexy vampire speaking. Focus. "No biggie. Look, the skin's already stopped smoking. You go ahead and play ... peek-a-boo with Mister Sunshine all you like. It keeps the ride from getting boring" Oh, that's sweet. He's being really cute and understanding.

Aaargh. I did not just think Spike was sweet. That is it. I'm getting out. Or not. We are going pretty fast.

And there are people outside. With arrows.

"Arrows" Yeah, well done Mr States-the-Obvious. Make them all look at you like you're a moron. Or maybe they'll be distracted by the arrows. Oh God. We're under attack. How much fun can one man stand.

"Bloody Hell." Got to say I'm with Spike on this one. I'd be with Spike on anything. Anywhere. Shut up brain. Robin Hood and his not so Merry Men are out there trying to kill us.

"They're throwing arrows!" Way to go Xan-man. I'm sure no one worked that out for themselves. Besides, the word is firing, or shooting, not throwing, and I bet they all needed you to tell them a second time. It's a good job I'm not even remotely interested in boinking the undead, as the Dawnster would say, cos I'm acting like even more of a moron than usual. And yes I realise that's really saying something. Thank you brain for reminding me.

Not to worry. Looks like we're fighting now. That should keep my inner psyche from thinking about Spike in those tight trousers for a while. Hey. Trying to stay alive here, not lust after the crazy demon guy who's thinks he's in love with one of my *female* best friends. He is not gay, and that's okay, cos neither am I.

Oh. It's all gone quiet. Did we kill all King Arthur's knights?

"Did we shake 'em?" Gaah. Sword. Near my head. Guess we didn't. And I'm panicking again. This time it's not Spike related. Progress. Or possibly just near death experience. Good either way. What am I saying. Near death is not good. I don't want to die without shagging Spike. And now my subconscious sounds like him. Great. That's just great.

"Now might be a good time for something heroic." Sure thing brain. What should I do. Oh, right. That was real Spike speaking, not my inner demon. Nice pun there, even if I do say so myself. To myself.

Oops, Buffy's talking. "Xander! Hatch!" Right. I was going to help. Do something heroic and impress Spike. Not that I feel the need to impress him. Just want to show I can hold my own. By giving a very petite and not at all heavy slayer a foot up. Okay so not that impressive, I guess. Oh well. Buffy's up there. She can handle the actual heroics.

Look's like she's not the only one. Anya's beating them off with her frying pan, so we should be okay. Even though it's not quite a piano. Oh God. Did Anya just say that. I've spent too much time corrupting that girl. Time I could be spending thinking about Spike. Being corrupted by Spike would be fun too. Is he okay. He nearly got incinerated again. Which would be bad. Because we need him to help protect Dawn. And because there's not a lot of naked fun to be had with a pile of ashes. As far as I know. Not that I would. Do naked things with Spike. Ever. At all.

He seems alright though. Dawnie is taking good care of him. Seems quiet outside as well, so hopefully we're all alright now.

"Is everyone all right?" That was gonna be my question. We're all alive though, so that's okay.
Maybe Spike will need me to tend his wounds later. Oh gross. Now I feel sick again. And Giles is swerving the bus again. G-Man, that's really not helping. Oh we're tipping over. Still tipping. And falling now. As is the huge Winnebago, with us inside. I'm gonna die without ever kissing Spike. Which is fine. I wouldn't want to do that anyway. Ouch. My head. No more thinking.

(3)

Ow. That hurt. Just so you know, being in a Winnebago when the driver gets attacked by a knight with a lance. Not a good plan. Not that I'm surprised by that fact, but still. Ouch. Still, at
least the nausea is gone. I was worried that I was gonna take Spike up on his suggestion, and 'toss my cookies' all over him. That would have been humiliating.

We really need to get out of here. Those Knights are probably still after us. Oh shit, look at Giles. Better help him out. That's a lot of blood. He's pretty heavy too, even with slayer strength supporting half of him.

Right, lets get out of here. Oh sure, and go where? We're in the middle of the desert. We go out there and Spike's gonna burn up, which would be bad. Because we need him to help protect. Not because I care. At all. But in a fight he could be pretty handy to have. So, shelter.

"We gotta find shelter" Great. Xand-man states the obvious, yet again. I say such stupid things
sometimes. Like, most of time. But I guess we have bigger things to worry about at the moment, like a roof over the vampire's head.

"Yeah, right bloody quick. I'm burning up out here." And that blanket isn't doing much good. As usual. For a vamp Spike really does spend a lot of time taking walks in the sunshine. He should stop that or he might end up dead. Which would be bad. For Dawn, I mean. It wouldn't matter to me at all. I really don't like him. We do need to get him out of the sun though. Like, now, before Mr 'I'm the Big Bad' ends up blowing in the wind as part of a big old sandstorm.

Hey, a building. Okay, it looks more like half a building, but beggars can't be choosers and all that. We really need to get help for Giles. He looks rough. He's probably getting a bit old for all this Last Action Hero stuff. Not as old as Spike though, and I'd definitely let him.do nothing. I would never let Spike do anything to me like that. That would be wrong. And gross. Stop thinking that. Now is not the time to think about Spike's cool lips all over me. Yaargh. Stop that. Focus on the big drama, not the compact, well-muscled vampire.

C'mon G-Man, lets get you in here, before I drop you. He's really heavy. I wish I had some super-strength. Those Slay-gal powers really come in handy sometimes. Hell, is it any wonder I have lusty thoughts about men when my two best friends are not only ten times as tough and powerful as me, but also women. Emasculating is not the word. Well, maybe it is. I'm
not a hundred percent sure on the meaning, so I could actually be right. Stranger things have happened. What I mean is sometimes it's hard to remember I'm the *guy* in this trio, so the lusting after men, well, vampires, is just a by-product of spending so much time with girls. Sort of like it's catching, you know?

Way to go on the rationalisation, Xander. You don't lust after Spike, you just think you're a girl. Cos that makes you, I mean me, so much more sane. And now I'm talking to myself again. Brilliant. No more thinking until we've dealt with the bleeding watcher and the rampaging crusaders on our trail. Not to mention the God that wants to use the Dawnster to open something. This being the wacky world of Xander and friends, I'm guessing she's not trying to get into her jewellery box or anything. More likely to be a big hell-like play room full of giant snake demons and other nasty toys. Did I mention how much I love my life?

"Careful. Up." Okay, Giles is probably slightly more comfortable now he can bleed out lying on a gas station counter, instead of being propped up against me and Spike. I wouldn't mind being propped up against Spike though. Hey. Stop that brain. This is serious. Giles is really hurt. I hope Will can do the healy bits. First aid is not my thing. Gilesusually does the bandaging around here. I'm mostly just fetch-and-carry-guy.

"Okay, Will" Buffy still looks like she's about to freak out. Hardly surprising, given the way her life is recently. I don't know how she's coped. Riley leaving, Joyce dying, the whole Dawn and Glory shebang. It's like things have just spiralled out of her control. And she *likes* the control. I suppose you get used to being the one with the power when you could kill a person with one well placed kick. Not that she would, of course. I'm just saying. She could. If she wanted to.

"I'm on it." Will's not in much better shape. Her and Tara really have the big love. That's nice for
her, after Oz and all that wolfy stuff. I was pretty shocked about the gay thing at first, but she really seems happy. It does mean she'd probably be support-o-gal if I told her I was having lusty bad thoughts about a guy. Well, until I told her about the guy in question, when she'd probably test out the book of spells on me, get Buffy to stake Spike, and start asking about possession. Not that I'm gonna tell her, cause there's nothing *to* tell. It's just stress, giving me crazy thoughts about the vampire.

Talking (well, ok, thinking, seeing as how I'm not having these conversations with myself out loud yet) of the vampire, how is he. His hands were pretty badly cut up. Not that he could die from it, but still, someone should kiss it better. I did not mean that. I just meant someone should take care of his injuries. Oh, check out Nurse Buffy. Real sweet bedside manner.

"Ow. Easy with the delicates." Spike must really be in pain. I don't think I've ever heard him admit to that before, except in a raging at the Initiative for causing it kind of way. I guess that's what you get for trying to be all heroic and grabbing hold of the big sharp sword with both hands. Still, if he hadn't, it would have been impaled in Buffy's head, so you have to give him points for effort.

"They'll heal." Well, you do unless you're Buffy at her sympathetic best. Dawn looked pretty worried there. I guess she's the only one of us that treats Spike like he matters. Probably because she's the only one that even thinks he does. Except maybe Anya, she looks pretty disgusted by Buffy's attitude. Ex-demon empathy I suppose. Not that I'm not sympathetic. This time. He is helping. She could try to be a little more grateful, seeing as she's the one that brought him along. Still, if she asked, he'd probably stake Dru for her, and not expect any appreciation. Oh yeah, I remember, he already offered. Poor guy is totally slayer-whipped. Oh no. No sympathy with the vampire. He's evil, and in love with the slayer. I mean lust, not love, he's a vampire, he can't love Buffy. Or me, so I should stop thinking about him. Okay. Like, now. Please.

"Florence bloody Nightingale to the rescue" Guess Spike's about as impressed with Buffy's nurturing as us. At least that means he's not fawning over her. That would be horrible to watch. Almost as scary as seeing him and the Buffy-bot..Don't think about that. If you fade out and start having kinky thoughts about Spike now, there'll be drool, and embarrassment, and possibly pain, when you try and explain it to your girlfriend, who, in case we've all forgotten, used to be a vengeance demon. Besides, there are slightly more important things to worry about, like what the hell do we do now.

"Um, you have another plan, right?" Anya looks pretty stressed too. Generally speaking, when the 1000 year old ex-demon looks worried, panic. "One that doesn't involve pointy knives and a Winnebago?" She obviously loved that plan as much as I did.

"We-we-we'll rest here for a minute, but then we have to keep moving." Again with the Buffy being flaky thing. I'm not sure how long my brain can keep processing this. I'm the one that's allowed to freak. Cause of the whole I don't have any superpowers to protect me thing. Besides, what good is moving going to do.

"Where?" Please tell me Buff. How can we find somewhere that's safe, and Giles can get fixed up, and the demon you brought along as your sidekick won't spontaneously combust on the way.

"I don't know! We just, we, we, we can't, can't stay here. I-it's too close to the wreck, we're too easy to find." And once more with the panic.

"Buffy" Oh god. Willow. What's wrong now. Giles, I guess. He looks really thrashed, and grey. Almost like he's already dead. Now I'm thinking like he's definitely gonna die. That's stupid. Will'll fix him. That's what she's good at. She's always been able to make me feel better. Although admittedly, I've never been impaled on a huge lance. Oh, and didn't that choice of phrase bring up some interesting mental pictures.

Alright, brain. That is it. No more gross and disturbing Spike images. No more assuming Giles is gonna die. We'll fix this. That's what we do. And at least there's no sign of the non-caped crusaders..

Gaah. Arrow. Again. Burning. Put it out quick. OK. There's no way that was my fault. Thinking
things does not jinx you. It's only when you speak that that happens. Right? All the same, maybe I won't tell Buffy and Willow what I was thinking. Especially not the Spike part. Something tells me they'd be madder about that than the jinxing thing. And I know Anya would, cos she doesn't really get the whole concept of jinx. She says its nonsense, and everyone knows you can't make something happen by saying it. I tried to point out that she did that for 1100 years with the whole power of the wish thing. She got all upset when I brought that up though because she thinks I hate the fact that she used to be a demon, and bring it up to hurt her, so then we had to have make-up sex.

Maybe I should have told her that actually I quite like it, the whole demon thing really turns me on. Thinking about it, maybe not. That was the night I yelled out Spike's name. I was imagining me and Spike trapped in his crypt with nothing to do but each other. Mmm!

Oh. Shit! Arrows. Not time for imagining me and Spike doing *anything*. Wonder how many of those knights are out there. Quite a few, then. Better let everyone know.

"We got company." Better bring out the best china. Then they can break *it* instead of us. Hey. More arrows. "And they brought a crusade." Cute, Xander. But now is not the time for stupid comments. Learn that there are times when a smart remark is not the smartest approach. And learn to stop talking to yourself. One of these days you'll do it out loud. Of course, this being the comedy that is your life, it'll be at one of those totally inappropriate times when the world is about to end and you're thinking about all the ways Spike could turn you on. And there we go again. Focus on not dying, not on getting horizontal with Spike. Or even vertical. Any way is good. Up against that wall over there maybe.

No, no sex with Spike. I'm hiding. With Anya. That's a sensible way to not die. And, if I am gonna die, maybe there'll be time for one last orgasm. Again with the inappropriate sex thoughts. Although, this time there's a bright side. Thoughts about sex with Anya, so slightly less inappropriate than lusting after the Big-not-so-Bad, who is currently trying to destroy his brain by trying to beat up on these Knights. Damn. They're human? He should be okay though. Buffy's got his back. Lucky her. Aaargh. Stop thinking. I was doing so well there. Thinking about Anya. My girlfriend. Who I'm want to marry. I mean, I've bought a ring and everything. I love her. I do not like Spike. Okay. Understand?

Great. Internal arguments. I'm hiding and having internal squabbles while Buffy battles the Knights of the Last Crusade or whatever. She's doing pretty well too. Looks less wigged now she's got something to beat up on. That's my Buffy. Well not mine in that way. Which is ok, because I don't want her like that anymore. I want Spike. No. I mean Anya. I want Anya.

Okay. Less thought, more action. Lets move the not so conscious Knight of the Round Table so Buffy can kick a little more medieval ass. Geez. Don't these guys ever give up. This building would probably fall down in a strong win and the way they're attacking it'll last about another five minutes.

I guess that guy with the flashy red cloak must be the big boss-man. Maybe he wants to negotiate. Wow. Maybe Buffy's not gonna let him. That was quite a throw. And quite a punch too. He's out cold. His men will probably be on their way in here to get him back though.

"Enemies, fly and fall." But not if Will has anything to do with it. She's really working that mojo. She really has some kind of scary power now. Her eyes get all black and everything. Wonder how she's gonna keep these guys out.

"Circling arms raise a wall." Now that was cool. Some sort of Sci-fi style force field. I just hope she can keep those marauding crusaders out of here for a while.

"Will? How long will it hold?" That's the million dollar question, I guess. Doesn't look like we're
going anywhere, so hopefully we can keep them out for long enough to figure out what to do next. Well, for Buffy to figure it out. Cause that's what she does. She figures it out, then we help her.

"Half a day maybe." Okay that should do it. "Or till Heckle and Jeckle punch a hole through it." Huh? Oh, right. They have mojo guys too. Figures. Everyone's in on the magic stuff except me. I don't think Spike likes it much either. What do you know! Common ground. Oh yeah, that's great. I have something in common with the impossibly sexy, I mean pesky, soulless demon. I always knew I was screwed up.

"So. What's the story with these role-playing rejects?" Another good question. This time from the bleached blond demon of my dreams. Nightmares. I mean nightmares.

"Lets find out." Okay, so we're doing interrogate the bad guy. That should be fun to watch. And if not, I can always watch Spike watch Buffy. Great. Not only am I lusting after the evil vampire, I'm now jealous because he likes one of my best friends better. I need a life in the worst kind of way. A sane one, where I don't think about boinking the undead. Especially not undead men. Cause of, you know, not being gay and all.

(4)

"You sure Scarface here can habla the English?" Much as I hate to admit it, even to myself, Spike has a point. These guys may be human, but they are pretty funny looking. I'm not sure where they came from. Look kind of historic. Maybe they're time travellers. Yeah sure,
Xander, and this is Star Trek.

"He understands me. Don't you?" Whoa. Scary-Buffy time. Times like this I'm so glad I'm on her side. Wouldn't want to get in the way of that slayer strength. Looks like she's right though. He gets it. And he look a lot less scared than I would if I was him. Every time he looks at Dawn, Buffy gets a little more pissed

"Look at her that way again, and she will be the last thing you ever see." That's my girl. I'm so glad she's my friend. I'm pretty scared, and it's not directed at me. Maybe I'm fated to be attracted to people who scare me. Cordy was pretty scary. Anya has the whole demon thing. Faith tried to kill me. And Spike, well, Spike's a vampire. I'm sure he'll figure out a way to get that chip out one day, and then it's 'Sayonara Slayerettes, See You Later Scoobies.' I'm not stupid. I know that, for all he helps, if he could kill us, he would. Of course, if he's still on with the 'I love Buffy' riff, he might just turn her, so bright side. Or maybe not. The thought of a vamp with slayer powers doesn't exactly fill me with the joys of spring. And I just realised I included Spike in my list of people I'm attracted to. I have to stop doing that. It's crazy. I'm crazy.

Of course, that's it. I'm not gay. Just insane. I've got to admit, it makes sense. Pretty much the first time this whole Spike thing has made anything other than the kind of sense that's not. So, progress? Just lock me up, and throw away the key. Preferably after you let Spike into the padded cell. No hard walls or sharp corners. Think of the fun we could have. No, don't think of it, not now. General Custer is mouthing off about Dawn.

"As I've been told, you protect the key of the beast." God, the way he talks about her. If I had any sort of hope of beating him, I'd take him on now. But I don't, and never will, so lets leave that up to Buffy. She's slay girl.

"It's not that simple." No, she's not just a key. She's Dawnie. We have to protect her. No matter what this guy might think.

"Yes. The key has been transformed, given ... breath, life. Yet, this makes no difference. The key is the link. The link must be severed. Such is the will of god." Poor Dawnie. She looks so scared. It must be pretty freaky to just find out one day that your whole life is a lie. It's so weird. On one level, I know it's true. She didn't used to be here. But I have all these memories. Meeting her for the first time. Realising I was her older guy crush. Little old me, someone's crush. How cool! Then finding out it's not real. She's not real. Except she is, because I have those memories. They're part of my life. She's part of my life. If I feel like that, it must so much worse for her and Buffy. I mean, I only have four years worth of brain-scrambling. They have their whole lives.

"She doesn't remember anything about being this key you're all looking for. The only thing that she remembers is growing up with a mother, and a sister that love her. What kind of god would demand her life for something that she has no control over?" God, that guy just does not seem to care. Buffy's starting to get that frightened bunny look again. I've never seen her so freaked. Not even when the Acathla thing was going down. Wonder what she's planning on doing. Or if she even has a plan. Man, I really hope so.

"We are not your enemy. Tell your men to stand down." Well, I guess that's worth a try. The 'leave us alone, we don't want to fight' approach to negotiation.

"No." Or maybe not.

"It is not her fault! She's human now!" And I'm still having trouble getting my head around the idea that she ever wasn't.

"The key is too dangerous ... to be allowed to exist. No matter what form it has been pressed into." See, that's what I don't understand. How can Dawn be dangerous. She's just a girl. Not a slayer, a demon or a vampire. Even chipped, Spike is more dangerous than Dawnie

"I will not let anyone tell me-" Buffy is really pissed now. Hang on a minute. What was that. Willow's having problems next door. Better make sure they're okay in there.

"Shh, shh, shh." Tara's freaking again.

"What happened?" Buffy looks like she really doesn't have time for this. I think anything that's not Dawn is pretty low on her list of priorities right now.

"I-I don't know, she just went nuts." Way to go on the tact front, An. My girlfriend still struggles with the whole sensitivity thing. Nuts is not the kindest word to describe someone with a tenuous (hey, big word) hold on reality. Even I know that. Guess I'm fated to hook up with people who are incapable of the whole tact thing. Anya, Cordy, Spike.

Not that I've ever hooked up with Spike. Or ever will. Even if I wanted to, he sure as hell wouldn't. Which is good, because he's a vampire. I can just see Buffy being okay with that, especially after the way I was about Deadboy. 'Sure Xander, you can make out with Spike. After I stake him. I'm sure you and the contents of the ashtray will be real happy together.' Also, he's a guy, which is really not my cup of tea. I like girls, with breasts, and girl parts.
Not men like Spike, all muscled, and handsome and hard...and isn't this internal conversation fun, and not at all disturbing. I'm gonna stop now.

"Time! Time, time!" Time for what, Tara. Ok, obviously time to rip down the walls and get out that way, instead of through the door like any normal brain-sucked person. Oh right, not so much happening on the normal front there, I guess. I wish there was something we could do to
help.

"Tara! We have to do something! She, she can't stay this way. Buffy!" I know Willow's right. She always is. But what can we do? Not exactly a whole lot of experience on the mental health front here. It's a shame we don't know anyone who could help.

"Time... time...time." And again, I ask, time for what? Or maybe we don't want to know. If there's one thing living on the Hellmouth has taught me, it's to not ask questions if you don't want to hear the answers. Given that Tara got her brain sucked by a power crazed Hell God, I'm guessing it's not time for tea or anything nice like that.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Well, Willow seems to have calmed Tara down now. She's not trying to do a break out with her one good hand anymore, so that's a start. Giles still looks bad though. What are we going to do with him. We really need a doctor.

"Willow." Wow. Buffy's face at the moment looks an awful lot like Willow's resolve face. Maybe it's time for action. Or more hiding.

"Open a door." Or possibly just letting the bad guys in to attack us with their huge swords. No, brain, I'm not going to let you turn that into a Spike related innuendo. There's no time for that sort of thinking at the minute. Too much is going on. God I hope Buffy has a plan. Other than being afraid and dying.

Alright, we're opening a door. Lets go out and have a chat with the rampaging crusaders.

"One of my friends was hurt when you attacked us."

"And ten of my men are dead. Honorable men. Shall we balance the scale?" Okay, so that wasn't the plan. We just want a doctor, not a fight to the death.

"Will you let someone come and help him or not?" Please. Pretty please with cherries on top and all that.

"Give quarter to an agent of the beast? What madness would move me to such action?" I guess it was too much to ask.

"I'm done asking." Oh, no. Buffy, now is really not the time for violence. I'm going in.

"Whoa, whoa, hey! Uh ... this is war, isn't it? And if there's one thing I've learned from Sergeant Rock, it is, in war ... there are rules." Yeah sure, wow them with your knowledge of trash TV shows that they've probably never heard of. Big second in command guy's not looking too impressed. Let's keep trying.

"Or at least there should be, if you're as honorable as you think you are. Plus, we do have your general forehead guy." Yeah, because I'm sure that's what they call him. Still, he's thinking about it. Sometimes I have my uses. Usually I get used as a throwing implement by big bad demons, but just occasionally I come through in a more impressive way.

It worked. I appealed to the soldier in these guys and they agreed. Buffy's making the call. That Ben guy from the hospital appears to be our only hope. Still, I think he likes Buffy, so I'm sure he'll be willing to drive out here in the middle of the night and risk his life to help a middle-aged ex librarian he's never met. Okay, and looking at it that way I'm suddenly panicking again.

"Hey, uh, i-it's Buffy. I need to ask you a really big favor." I'm not sure that 'favor' really covers the whole driving into the desert and making your way through a thoroughly pissed and very persistent army of Knights with swords, lances and funny pictures on their heads. Oh well, he might just be crazy enough to agree. *We're* all here after all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

What was I worrying about? The guy's got a crush on Buffy. That inspires you to acts of great courage and stupidity. I should know, I attempted most of them! He's not freaking out as much as I would have thought either. Spike really doesn't like him though. He does not look happy.

"All right, I think I got him stabilized, but there's a lot of damage. We need to get him out of here." Oh sure, Doctor Wonder Boy. How are we gonna do that.

"Well, I think the guys with the pointy swords kinda have other ideas." At least Buffy's realised that much.

"Don't they always." Wow, this guy's got it bad for our heroine. Bad jokes and everything. Whoops. Just nearly laughed at him. That would not have been appropriate, what with him risking his life to help us and all. But the look on Spike's face. He's even less impressed with
this guy that I am. Of course, that might be down to the whole jealousy thing. Him liking Buffy, I mean. Not me being jealous. In any way, shape or form. I'm not interested in Buffy any more. Or Spike. Not that I ever was in Spike. I mean *interested* in Spike. Okay. Great. Internal babble again. Even when I'm outwardly quiet, I can't shut myself up.

"Look, I know this must seem extra "Outer Limits" to you." C'mon Buff. The guy lives in Sunnydale. He probably managed to ignore the Crusade outside, or do that selective memory thing Sunnydale residents are so good at.

"This? Naah. I've seen things you wouldn't believe." Somehow I doubt that, Mister.

"You know, emergency room, full moon on a Saturday night." Oh, please. I can't listen to this guy any longer. I'd rather talk to General Custer through there. I'm out of here.

Oh. Forgot Spike was in here. Not to worry. I can deal. I'll just stand here and glare. Then he'll know I don't like him.

Shit. I guess he really is hurt. Can't even light his cigarette. His hands are a mess. Not that I care. Not really.

"Ow." Dammit. I'm gonna have to help. I can't just stand here and watch him struggle. Even though I probably should. I go and help him, I'm just leaving myself open to him. In a bad way, not a good, take me now sort of way. Not that that would be good either. Okay, moving, not thinking.

"Thanks" Oh, my God. He thanked me. Now my world is out of orbit. The big bad remembering his manners. I can't cope. I want reality back. The world where Buffy fixes things, all demons are evil, and I don't have dreams where the vampire next to me covers me in chocolate and licks it off. Don't think about that now. That way leads to sweaty palms and embarrassing urges. Just light the cigarette and move away slowly. Without panic or unnecessary touching.

Okay. See. That was fine. I lit his cigarette. Without humiliating myself by licking his face or anything. Even though I really wanted to. No. I didn't. That would be gross and disgusting. I hate him. And the way he looked at me. Like he thought I was going to set him on fire or something. Am I really that awful to him. Guess so. Great. Now I have guilt. About being mean to the soulless demon. Maybe I should make a little effort though.

"You know, those things'll kill you." Oh, that was great. Scintillating conversation. Why is he looking at me like that. Oh yeah. Already dead.

"Oh. Right." Smooth talker Xander. Now you look like an idiot. Maybe I should remind him that I don't care what he thinks. At all. Or maybe I should push him up against this wall and show him how I feel. Those lips look so soft and kissable. Aargh. No. No kissing Spike lips. I don't want to do that. Really. Okay. Deep breaths. I can handle being in the same room as him.

I just had a really scary thought. G-Man once told me that vampires have enhanced senses, so they can smell fear and all that. Does that mean they can smell arousal. Oh God, please don't let that be possible. The only thing worse than lusting after Spike would be if he knew.

"I mention today how much I don't like you?" That ought to do it. Remind him that I hate him. Hopefully I'll be able to persuade myself at the same time.

"You mighta let it slip in ." Or maybe not. Don't think about slipping anything in. Anywhere. Not now. That would just be wrong. God, those eyes. It's almost like he can read my mind.

"Once or twice." And that smile. Like we have some secret that no-one else knows. Not that there is anything to know.

"How're your feelers?" Great. Act like you care. That ought to persuade the big bad vampire that you really hate him. In an world where people say the opposite of what they mean.

"Nothing compared to the little bits we're gonna get chopped into when the Renaissance Faire kicks the door in." Right. That door. Not too strong. Spike could probably break it down with his bleeding bandaged hands. This is good. Conversation. Non-innuendo related. I might get out of this with my dignity intact. Yeah right. Like I have any in the first place. I'm lusting after the evil undead. No hope for dignity here. "And here we bloody sit."

"It's not like we got much of a choice." What else are we gonna do. There's only you and Buffy that are strong enough to fight them.. and where do we go, anyway?

"Could make a break for it! Use General Armor-All as a shield,." I forgot about him. Good job I didn't lick Spike's face. I never did perform well with an audience. Oh, Spike's still talking. Listen. And don't drool. Please

".get to the doc's car, and-" And what. You get killed because you can't fight back. I have to admit I don't want that. But only to myself. No power on this earth will ever get me to admit it to anyone else. Especially with the ex-demon girlfriend and the slayer and witch as best friends. You wouldn't need to get killed by Sir Lancelot and the rest. My friends would do it before they had chance.

"Great plan. And while all the hacking and slashing's going on, what are you gonna be doing, huh? Throwing migraines at 'em?" Yeah, great Xan. Remind him about his chip. Way to piss off the object of your fantasies. Not that he is, usually. It's just the fear and everything, playing with my head, making me think I want the soulless, male vampire with the piercing blue eyes and not at all kissable lips. Aargh. And again I say please brain, stop working.

"Look, we stay here, we all die! At least this way, some of us might get-"

"No." Buffy. Hey. Gotta say I agree with you on that one.

"We're all gonna make it. I'm not losing anyone." That works for me. If only I knew how you were going to manage it.

"Check the supplies. See if anyone's hungry." Food. That's always good. But I'm worried about Buffy. By the look on Spike's face, I guess he feels the same. Of course he does. He loves her. Or what passes in his depraved mind for love, anyway. But her, not me. Never me. Even if I was interested, he'd just use it against me, and I have quite enough mocking in my life already. Oh, and that's rich. I'm calling him depraved. I'm the thoroughly straight guy having the totally x-rated dreams about the evil soulless Master Vampire, and I'm suggesting he's depraved because he's got the hots for Buffy, who's female, and not evil. My mind is finally totally warped. No surprises there though. I should have seen it coming from the minute Buffy suggested I might be having sex with Spike, and it didn't sound like a totally bad thing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Wonder how Giles is doing now. Hopefully Ben was good for something, even if his yen for Buffy rivals mine four years ago. Talking of Ben, what's with him now?.

"You have to let me out." I guess he's decided the freakiness of our lives is too much, and he wants out. Maybe not even the attraction of Buffy can compete with the cold sweat of fear sometimes.

"Ben?" Dawn's as thrown as I am. I'm not sure why he all of a sudden decided he has to leave.

"You don't understand, I gotta get out, open a door now!" Wow, he's really freaking. Wonder what set that off It's not like the renaissance fair outside have started a new offensive. Great. Now I'm stealing Spike's analogies. I thought lusting after him was rock bottom, but here's a lower place.

"What happened?" I'll tell you what happened, Buff. He realised he wanted out of the freak show that is our lives. And who can blame him. This is all totally fucked up. Just for a change. At least I've stopped thinking about, or *like*, Spike, though.

"I-I don't know, he just freaked out." Which has got to be a pretty normal reaction to whatever's going on here. It's not exactly life as usual. Unless of course you're us.

"Let me out!" He's really wigged. Maybe we should just let him go. Giles looks a bit better, and there's no sense in dragging people off the street into our latest end of the world drama.

"Okay, W-Will, open a door."

"No! Ha!" That guy is starting to bother me now. What got him all wigged all of a sudden? He was fine two minutes ago.

Gaah. What the hell. Oh my god. Glory's here. Where did she come from? Now I'm confused. That should probably be my motto, you know. I don't really understand how she got in here though. Maybe force fields don't work against Gods or something.

"Well, what do you know. Little Ben finally did something right." Glory knows Ben? Maybe he wasn't lying when he said he'd seen stranger things. But how does nice doctor guy know the hell god?

"The beast." The General guy really doesn't like her. I know she's evil and all, but she's not that ugly. And that is really not the point right now. The *point* is probably panic.

"Hey, it's Gregor." Wow. Panic is particularly apt if she's gonna do things like that. Killing people with hubcaps. That was vicious. "Now it's not." And that was a really lame quip. I hate this woman. Serious violence and not even a good pun to finish off with. Okay, we're fighting.

Ouch. Attacking the hell god with your bare hands. Not a good idea. What do I expect if I follow Spike's lead. Hey, it's Spike. On me. I could get used to this. Eeew. No. Now is not the time to get inappropriately aroused. Although, I guess it is a pretty inappropriate time, which is probably the appropriate time in a screwed up, back-to-front kind of way. Okay, so that didn't make sense even to me. Which is probably a good thing. I don't think I want anything about Spike and me to make sense. Ever. Not that there's ever going to be a 'Spike and me'. Even if I was about to make a move, he's got the whole Buffy chasing thing going on. All those years of not getting Buffy cos she was totally into a vampire, and now I have no chance with a vampire because he's got the hots for her. Check out the irony.

On second thoughts, perhaps I should think about the irony later, and concentrate on not letting the vampire that's still in my lap notice how much he's getting to me. Down boy! There are more important things to worry about, like the fact that Buffy's on the floor and Glory is still here.

"Buffy" Oh god, she's got Dawn. C'mon body. Get up. Maybe those knights will slow down enough to let Buffy catch up.

Or maybe Glory will bash her way through the force field while Buffy is still picking herself up off the floor. Okay, she's outta here. That's a start. And she's back in. Not such a good sign.

"Willow!" Huh? Oh right, the force field thingy. Will's eyes have that scary thing going on. And Spike is still on top of me. Which I'm enjoying a little bit too much. We're both as bad as each other. Jumping into a fight we can't win for the sake of the unattainable. Him to show Buffy how much he wants to help. Me trying to prove I'm not just the Zeppo, or the tenth grade loser, as Spike would have it. I feel so stupid for letting that bother me. I'm not sure who's crazier. Him for wanting her, or me for wanting him.

I have to stop thinking that. I love Anya. That is not in question. It's just, Spike is so, well, Spike, and at the moment that seems like a good thing. Especially when he's this close to me, and I can feel that body touching mine. I just start to imagine what it would be like if we were naked together. Okay. Getting up now. Gods to fight. Keys to rescue. Time enough later to think about Spike. Or not. I'm sure I've done enough Spike related thinking to last a lifetime. Time to get back to reality.

"Get it down, now!" Oh God, do it quickly. Glory has Dawn, and she's getting away. C'mon Will, hurry.

"Hear, hear my plea. Circling arm protecting me" I think Willow managed to get rid of the force field again. Her eyes did that black glowy thing. Buffy's off again. Better get outside and see if she needs any help with the Knights of..Holy mother of God. Glory did this? Okay, shock. Now fear. And now blind panic. How are we gonna stop her if she can take out hordes of armed soldiers in the time it took us to get outside.

What the hell do we do now. Buffy has just totally spaced out. We need to do something. Someone has to figure out how to get Dawn back.

"The car. Get the keys." Okay, a plan. Not much of one, and it came from Spike, but it's a start. I'll follow the blond demon. Anywhere. Alright, now is really not the time for that sort of thought. We'll get the car, and Willow can get Buffy. We just have to get Dawn back. Buffy'll know what to do next. Right?

(5)

Oh well, this is just fantastic. Dawn's been abducted by Glory the Fashion Victim Hell God, and big sis, slayer of all disasters, doesn't seem to be functioning on all cylinders. Or in fact any cylinders at all. The world is going to end. Again!

"Better part of a century spent in delinquency just paid off. Hotwired Ben's auto. Who's for gettin' the hell out of here?" Looks like Spike has his uses after all. In a non-icky sex fantasy sense. Not that I have fantasies where Spike is used. Ever. Okay then, lets leave.

"All in favor, let's do it. You good to go?" Giles is still looking, well, like someone stabbed him with a very long, sharp implement. Granted, that's not really surprising, given that he got gored with a long, sharp lance. Hopefully we can get him to a hospital now. Or at least as soon as Buffy's back with us.

"Oh, don't worry about me. How's Buffy?" Catatonic. What else is there to say? I've never seen anything like this before. Especially not from Buffy. She's usually the together one, the one that sorts things out.

"The same. Still." That doesn't get any less strange the more I look at her. She's just staring. Not at anything. Just staring

"It's been almost a half an hour." Thanks for reminding us, Will. Buffy has been non-function girl for a whole thirty minutes, and is showing no signs of doing, well, anything, to change that situation in the near future.

"The Slayer's gonna be all right, won't she?" Sure, Spike, she'll be fine. This is normal pre-battle preparation. Except that it's not.

"You should try it again, Will." You know, because it worked so well the first fifty times.

"All right, but ... I'm not even sure she's, you know ... really in there." Oh, and there's a happy thought. We have an end of the world scenario and the slayer has left not just the building, but also her own body.

"Try." Do something, anything. Just get her back.

"Can you hear me? Buffy!.Buffy!.Buffy?" Guess not.

"Buffy!" Yeah. She's so much more likely to respond to the undead stalker type guy than her best friend for the last five years. Nice effort Spike. Oh, Hallelujah, I'm pissed off at Spike. That's definitely a good thing. Well, I mean it's not. But then, it is really, cause it means I'm not all fluffy bunny feelings about him. Right?

"She can't just be brain-dead. I mean ... she's still Buffy, somewhere in there, right?" No, she's turned into Glory. Cause she could do that. Stop asking stupid questions and fretting about the slayer. You're not her friend, Spike. You have no right to worry about anybody but me. I mean you, no.Hell, what do I mean? Oh. Now I'm bothered that he's so worried about Buffy? Guess those fuzzy feelings are still around here somewhere, playing with my head.

"Spike, come on, we're not gonna get Dawn back by sittin' around here." Please don't freak out on us. The only thing worse than the slayer losing it would be the big bad demon deciding he can't handle things either.

"You're not gonna get Dawn back any way you slice it, Harris, it's for Buffy to decide."

"Good, panic. That oughta help." I can tell you something, Spike, it's really not helping my state of mind. Please stop. Now.

"We should move her. U-unless we shouldn't. Should we?" Willow-babble. At least that shows that she's still acting like herself. Everyone else is all strange and.well, strange pretty much covers all of it. Especially me.

"Couldn't that make it worse? I think I read that somewhere." But at least Anya is no stranger than usual. And yet still so much odder than anyone else. What does that say about me, that my girlfriend is stranger than the slayer, the vampire, or the brain-mushed witch? Nothing good, I'm sure. Maybe Spike *would* be an improvement. If he wasn't a guy. And a vampire.okay, so obviously not an improvement at all. I know that.

"I am so large with not knowing." What the hell did that mean. If *I* don't understand my comments, everyone else must be totally lost. Why can't I just say 'I don't know'? That would be the sensible option. Which I guess is why I don't.

"It's impossible to know for sure. Losing Dawn, after all that Buffy's been through ... I think it's pushed her too far into some sort of catatonia." Well, duh Giles.

"You don't need a diploma to see that." That's what I was thinking. Only with more syllables, and an actual sentence. "Snap her out of it." Sure thing, Spike, and we haven't been trying to do that for the last half an hour. God, that vampire irritates the hell out of me with his useless suggestions and.and stupid hair. Actually, I kinda like Spike's hair. I can just imagine running my fingers through it, while kissing him.Eeew. No, I really wouldn't want to do that. It's all excessively gelled and quite possibly crispy. I'd probably get my hand stuck, and in terms of seduction, not a good move. And now I'm contemplating seduction of the evil undead fiend who has a crush on one of my best friends. That's just great. I finally lost it.

"Buffy!" Shake her out of it, why don't you, blondie. I'm sure that'll make *so* much difference. Maybe he should try it on me too. See if he can knock some sense into me. "Oi, rise and shine, love!"

"Spike." Anya obviously thinks he's being a bit rough.

"Come on, people. Girl's endowed with Slayer strength. It's hardly the time to get dainty. Buffy!"

"We tried that!" Yes, we did the shaking thing already. Didn't work.

"Ow!" Way to go Spike. Hit the slayer. Damage her brain. Fry your own, or what little there is. Just what we need.

"We didn't try that." No Anya, we really didn't. And we didn't even have to worry about our own brains. Just Buffy's.

"Are you insane? We could be dealing with neurological damage here. You want to kill her?" I know he doesn't, but I can't stand here and watch while he frets over Buffy and fries whatever remaining brain cells are in that pretty blond head of his. And I meant that in a nasty, sarcastic way. The pretty bit, I mean. And once again with the internal conversations. I'm totally sane, really, I am.

"We have to do something. I can't just sit here watching. You waste time with kid gloves. I'm willing to wager, when all is said and done, Buffy likes it rough." Oh that is it. I've had it.

Oh shit. I hit Spike. The evil vampire. I don't even really know why. It's not like he hasn't said far worse before, and I've never been crazy enough to attack him for it. If I'm honest, only to myself, of course, it's probably a combination of the screaming heebie-jeebies about Buffy, my own spiralling insanity, and the teensiest amount of the green-eyed monster. If he's feeling that way about anyone, I want it to be me. I want those hands to be touching me only. And I can't
believe I admitted that. Even to myself.

Great, Xander. Buffy's catatonic and you're beating up the vampire because he's worried about her and you're jealous. It's not all jealousy though. Buffy is my friend, and the slayer, and I'm not gonna stand here and listen to this undead idiot mouth off about her because he thinks he's in love with her, and knows her so well. He's a vampire. He can't possibly have a thing for the slayer.

Sure, cause that's never happened before. Can you say *Angel*? We all want things that aren't good for us and we shouldn't even contemplate wanting. I think I'm pretty much a case in point. But, he really shouldn't want her. He should want me. I didn't mean that. Well, not much, anyway.

Ouch. At least he can't really fight back. I'd be dead by now.

"Separate." Ow. Willow can though. How the hell did she do that?

"Buffy's out. Glory has Dawn. Sometime real soon, she's gonna use Dawn to tear down the barrier between every dimension there is. So if you two wanna fight, do it after the world ends, okay?" I'm sorry Will. We'll be good. Maybe I'll stay away from Spike. That way I won't be
tempted to either hit him or jump his bones. Yeuch. Nasty thought. Honestly, really nasty. That's the only way to describe it. Or at least the only way I'm prepared to admit to thinking of it.

"All right. First we head back to Sunnydale. Xander'll take Giles to a hospital. Anya's looking after Tara. And Spike, you find Glory. Check her apartment, see if she's still there. Try anything stupid, like payback, and I will get Very Cranky. Everyone clear?" Crystal. If there's one thing I've learnt, it's not to piss Willow off when she has her resolve face on.

"Anya." Clearly, Anya, in her two years as human, hasn't learnt that, and is going to ask a pointless question instead of just shutting up. Why can't she just be quiet like any sane.I really answered my own question there, didn't I?

"Um ... w-what will you do?" To be fair, it's actually a reasonable question, but my girlfriend is a braver woman than I am. Person, I mean, because I'm perfectly aware that I'm not a woman. My insanity has not yet reached such a low point as gender confusion. At the moment we're more stuck on gender orientation as an issue. Although not so much, because I'm perfectly clear in my own mind. I am not gay, or even bi. Most of the time. Aargh. Stop thinking.

"I'll help Buffy." At least Willow sounds like she's a girl with a plan. Gotta love that. Especially when the rest of us are either injured, dead or insane. Primarily the latter. Buffy's catatonic,
Anya's asking the powerful witch pointless questions, and I can't decide whether I want to sleep with the evil male vampire who hates me, or ask my beautiful, quirky, devoted girlfriend to marry me. Issues much? I'm definitely carrying a banner in the mental breakdown section of the Slayerette March.

"Okay then." Second that total agreement with whatever Willow says. Anya's obviously got the right idea.

"The world is spinning." And there I thought it was just my head. Tara may be crazy at the moment, but I kinda agree with that sentiment.

"Straight to a new day! Big day. Big, big day." Sure thing Tara, the biggest day ever. Slayers vacating their bodies, abductions by hell gods, the whole shebang. Not to mention the internal battle I'm having with my own well-established sense of heterosexuality. And I will win that one. I do not, on any level that is my normal, relatively sane self, want the evil undead man in my bed. Really, truly and honestly I don't. Besides, there are far bigger things to worry about right now. Dawn, Buffy, Giles. None of them would be too impressed to learn that while their lives and loved ones are in danger I'm contemplating boinking the undead. Not that he would, even if I wanted to. I'm totally aware of that little obstacle. And glad of its existence. Mostly.

"Uh ... Will?" And thinking of Spike, there's yet another person, or vamp, who's braver than me on the pissing off the witch front. I'd be worried about getting thrown across the room again. Hell, I *am* worried about it.

"Now, uh, don't turn me into a horned toad for asking, but ... what if we come across Ben?" Horny. Did he say horny? Oh, right, horned. That makes more sense. Although it might be less fun. And once more with the inappropriate humour. I have to stop that. Focus on the world outside my screwed up little head. Huh? What the hell's Ben got to do with this anyway?

"I-I don't think a doctor's what Buffy needs right now."

"Well, yeah, especially not one who also happens to be Glory." And again, I say huh?

"What do you mean?" Oh my God, something non pop-culture-y that Giles doesn't understand. There must be something far worse than an apocalypse going on, because I never saw anything like that, and I've seen my share of apocalypses. Or I would have done, if Buffy hadn't prevented them all.

"You know. Ben is Glory." What did he say? Something about Ben and Glory? Doctor Ben? And Glory the Hell God?

"You mean ... Ben's with Glory?" I don't understand. How can they possibly have anything to do with each other?

""With" in what sense?" Does he mean they're a couple? No, that wouldn't make sense. Why would the god be dating an almost doctor?

"They're working together?" Way to go, Ahn. That probably makes slightly more sense.

"No. No. Ben is Glory. Glory's Ben. They're one and the same." And once more, a hearty huh? I'm still not getting it. Ben and Glory are together?

"When did all this happen?" Was I having totally inappropriate fantasies about Spike and missed it. Hey, I may be insane, but at least I'm man enough to acknowledge it, and admit that I might have been distracted. It is only fantasies though. Not something I'd ever want to act on. Truly it's not.

"Not one hour ago! Right here, before your very eyes! Ben came, he turned into Glory, snatched the kid, and pfft! Vanished, remember?" Every time Spike speaks, I have real problems understanding what he's talking about. Much as it worries me to admit it, that's a new
development. Generally, I understand the I mean, sure, sometimes I stop listening so I can just watch his mouth, and those amazing lips, while he talks, and forget to pay attention, but this is different. It's like I don't understand the words he's saying

"You do remember...? Is everyone here very stoned?" Nope, but I'm starting to think Spike is. He's pretty cute when he frowns like that too. No Xander, focus. Spike is definitely not cute. He's a killer. Although currently he's on our side. Also, he's trying to tell us something, and I think it might be important.

"Ben! Glory! He's a doctor, she's the beast. Two entirely separate entities sharing one body. Like a bloody sitcom. Surely you remember." Ben and Glory, right. I remember. Something. I remember something about them, together.

"So you're saying ... Ben and Glory." Dammit, what was I going to say? My brain is totally scrambled by this whole thing. Not that all the Spike related sex-thoughts didn't already give that little fact away.

"Have a connection." Yes, that was it. Anya remembers something too.

"Yes, obviously, but what kind?" Good question Giles. I am so confused. This conversation is making no sense. Not that that's a new experience, but still.

"Oh, I get it. That's very crafty. Glory's worked the kind of mojo where anyone who sees her little presto-change-o instantly forgets. And yours truly, being somewhat other than human ... stands immune." Huh? What did Spike say?

"So ... Ben and Glory ... are-are the same person?" Willow sounds as clueless as me. That's definitely new.

Oh, wait, I get it "Glory can turn into Ben, and Ben turns back into Glory." Right, that makes sense. In a Hellmouthy kind of way.

"And anyone who sees it instantly forgets." Anya's got it too.

"Kewpie doll for the lady." Spike sounds relieved. Wonder what that's all about.

"Excellent." You got it, G-Man. We're all working from the same page now.

"Now. Do we suspect there may be some kind of connection between Ben and Glory?" I guess that's possible. Wonder if Spike knows anything. What. What was that sigh for. Spike looks pretty sweet when he's pissed off. Gah. I did not just think that. I have to stop thinking things like that. Lets get on with the Slayerette stuff, before my brain explodes.

(6)

Man, I hate hospitals. I've spent far too much time here in the last few years. Everyone I know has been hospitalised at some time or another. Buffy a couple of times, Willow's coma, Joyce when she was sick, Riley, Tara, even Anya when Harmony's crew broke her arm. Now Giles. I'm the only one who's never done major hospital time. And that's pretty much tempted fate, hasn't it. I really need to learn to shut up. Even when I'm not actually talking out loud. Better go see how Giles is doing. Maybe he's ready to leave.

"Uh, can you, uh." Huh? Oh right - one arm working, can't put his coat on. Sure, I'll play nurse to the librarian. That sounds like some sort of kinky game. And ugh, can't believe I thought kinky in a sentence about Giles. There's not enough yuck in the world. Okay, jacket on, let's go.

"There. How you doing?" If it's anything like as bad as you look, we're in trouble.

"It only hurts while I answer pointless questions. Where's Buffy?" Ooh, touchy. I guess I deserved that though. How's he supposed to be doing after the whole knight attacking him with a lance thing? And I think there was a question. That was it. Buffy.

"Willow's on it. Or ... in it. She's workin' some spell, trying to reach Buffy psychically." And doesn't that sound like a fun way to spend the evening. Communing with the comatose slayer's brain. Who needs TV or Pictionary?

"Uh, she's gone into Buffy's mind?" Giles sounds about as thrilled with that idea as me. It could be dangerous, or something. I mean, danger, in Sunnydale. What are the odds?

"Pretty tricky stuff." Lets pretend I'm not totally freaked, and maybe Giles will tell me it's really not that difficult, and there's nothing to worry about.

"It's extraordinarily advanced. Um, I was thinking we should check on Glory's victims while ... we're here." Not quite the huge reassurance I was looking for but, never mind. I'll deal with the fear. As always. Magic pretty much not a good thing in my book, what with the disastrous love spell and the mystical syphilis and all. What did Giles say? Oh, yeah, Glory's victims

"Oh, the mental ward? I already been. The vegetable section's closed. Nobody there. It's like they all just got up and walked away." And isn't that a cheering thought. Oh, Spike's here. Good. I mean 'cause of the rescuing Dawn thing. Did he just steal some blood off that trolley? I can't believe he.Oh, who am I kidding. Of course I can believe he did it. Maybe I won't say anything to Giles though. He'll get all high-moral whatsit and open his stitches.

"Checked out Glory's flat. Looks like the great one has scampered." He's gonna pretend he didn't do anything. I know he saw me see him steal it. Oh well, if I say anything, he'll just do the whole, 'Hello, I'm evil' thing, and that song is getting old and a little pathetic. Especially when he's put his life on the line for us. Well, for Buffy and Dawn. Pretty embarrassing for a master vampire to be in that position. Not that I'm sympathising with him for having to help the good guys, but it must be pretty rough, and okay, I'm totally sympathising. Time to stop thinking about Billy Idol here and focus on the big issue.

"Gone to, uh, perform her ritual with Dawn and leaving us entirely clueless." Thanks for another happy thought, Giles. I know there's impending disaster and all, but could you at least pretend to think we can fix it. We do usually. Okay so usually we have a fully functioning Buffy on our side, and twice as much witchy power, but still, we've done major disaster before and survived. A little hope wouldn't go amiss.

"Not entirely." Although, gotta say, I wasn't expecting it to come from Spike. He has moments when I don't think that I'm totally wrong to like him. Although not often. Most of the time I don't even like him, let alone think its okay, and shutting up now. Mentally, cause I was actually silent anyway.

Oops, Spike was giving us hope. Need to listen. "I know this bloke. Well, not so much a bloke so much as a demon. But still, bookish. All tuned in to the nastier corners of this our magic world. It's a bit of a last resort really, but still, we might persuade him to suss out Glory's game plan." Oh my god, he's gonna light a cigarette. This is a hospital. And again, why am I surprised. He's already pillaged the blood supplies. I wish I could remember he's not a good guy. I never
used to have a problem with that. Even when he was at his most pathetic, it was Will that wouldn't let me help him stake himself. I wanted to kill him just cause he's a vamp, and now I'm all shocked that he's ignoring No Smoking signs. I need a serious reality check. Maybe then I'd stop with the lusty bad thoughts that I am totally not having, so there's no need to stop. Glad we've got that settled

"Sound worthy?" What, oh right, demon book guy. I guess we've got nothing to lose. Just for a change!

"Off we go then. Meet back at the shop." We? Oh, me and him. Spike wants me to go with. Cool. No, not cool. What am I thinking? This is not about the evil undead guy wanting to spend time with me. Right? I wish it was though. Yeurgh. No I don't. I don't care what he thinks of me. Not like that.

Oh, leaving now. Giles'll have to hobble back to the magic shop on his own.

"Found Ben's room at Glory's. Didn't learn much." Ben has a room at Glory's. What's that about?

"Wait, wait, wait. Ben? At Glory's? You're saying all this time he's been subletting from her?"

"This ... is gonna be worth it." What? Ouch. Pain. Spike hit me.

"Ow!!" Pain for him too, though. Hey, did he just touch my ass. No, he can't have been copping a feel. Maybe just preventing a chip-inflicted collapse to the floor. And maybe he didn't touch me at all and I'm having some sort of hallucinations. Wish-fulfilment or something. No, I don't mean that. Spike hands on my ass. Eeew. Why did he hit me, anyway?

"Last time. From the top." Guess he'll explain it all on the way. There better have been a good reason. That really hurt. Which means it must have really hurt him, too.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"It's always open!" Well, I guess we're coming in then. Does that count as an invite? Not that it matters. I guess Spike must have been here before, and anyway, he said this guy's a demon, so no invite rule anyway.

"What can I do for you boys? Want some cocoa?" He sure doesn't look like a demon, or sound like one. In my experience, they usually pummel first, offer hot beverages later. Or not at all. This man is more like somebody's granddad. Although, not my grandfather, what with having clean clothes and not smelling like the bathroom at Willy's. No disrespect to my grandfather, but the man does bring a whole new world of meaning to the word incontinent.

"No. We need information. We need-" Spike's being all forceful and manly. It's quite sexy in a - Oh my God. Ben. Glory.

"Ben's Glory!" I remember now. They did that shape shifting morph thing.

"Who's what?" Right, the old guy doesn't know what I'm talking about. But at least I do, finally.

"Look at this. Special Ed remembers." Yes I do. And also, hey.

"Yeah. I do. Ben's Glory and Glory's Ben. It's like this... fog's lifting." So that's why Spike hit me. Guess he wasn't just trying to cop a feel, then. Damn. No, I don't mean that.

"Wonderful. But not why we're here. Hell-god type. Name of Glory-" Hey, dead punk wannabe. I remembered. You could at least give me credit for that.

"A.K.A. Ben." It totally makes sense now. Ben is Glory, Glory is Ben. And Spike's talking. I should probably pretend to be listening.

"-Has gone missing. She's brewing up some major-league bad, and she's nicked the Slayer's kid sister in the bargain."

"Hmm. That girl you brought here." What. He brought Dawn here? "Sweet little thing. How'd things work out with her mom? Changed her mind, didn't she?" Oh my God. Spike helped Dawn try and resurrect Joyce? What a jerk. That's supposed to be really dangerous. And once more, why am I even remotely surprised. These things never used to surprise me. When did I start thinking of Spike as a good guy? Probably about the time Buffy suggested I was having sex with him and now is really not the time for that train of thought. Not in public, anyway.

"Yeah. You got any idea where Glory would take her?" Please say yes. I need to go somewhere, do something, stop thinking lusty thoughts about the vampire. I just want to get some action. In a total non-sex, just fighting sort of way, I mean.

"Glory ... Glory. Oh! You don't mean Glorificus. Gosh. What do you wanna get mixed up with her for? That's a sure way to get yourselves killed. I hear she's awfully unpleasant. When it comes to hell gods, my best advice ... is get out of the way ... and stay there." Much as we'd love to, it's a bit late, what with the she's-kidnapped-Dawn thing.

"Love to. Can't." Whaddaya know. Something Spike and me agree on. How scary is that?

"Well, uh, other than that ... I'd like to help ... but I-I'm a small-town guy." Yeah, real quaint, demon Grandpa Joe. Whatever. He's acting a little strange now. There's something off about him. Beside the whole sweet and innocent demon thing. My spider sense is tingling, as Buffy would say.

"This Glorificus, if it is her ... whoo, she's big city." Cute, Mister I'm-a-demon-who-looks-like-a-benign-OAP. Can you help, or not?

"She's got Dawn." Spike really sounds like he gives a shit. I suppose he does care about Dawn, in a freaky 'he's a vampire who shouldn't really care about anything except blood and sex' way. And can I please stop thinking Spike and sex in the same sentence. That way lies embarrassment and sweaty palms, as Willow would say.

"Right. Well, I may know a fella ... you know, who knows a fella in...in China. He might-" China. Real helpful.

"How the hell are we supposed to get to China? Teleport?" Oh, I never thought of that. Well, it could be fun, and - oh, right. Sarcasm. You'd think I'd be able to spot it seeing as it's such a key part of my own brand of humour. Or maybe you wouldn't think that at all. Maybe you'd just expect me to be all dense and not work it out. And as I'm having this conversation in my own head, who the hell are *you*?

"I guess." Demon-grandpa didn't get the sarcasm thing either. I'm glad it's not just me.

"You know, if you're in that much of a hurry." Is he hiding something?

"Wish you luck." Sure you do, pal. He seems to be in a bit of a hurry to get rid of us. Maybe we should -

"You're lying." - out and out accuse him of lying. That'll persuade him to help. What the hell is Spike playing at?

"And what's more ... I believe you're standing right in front of the very thing we need." That box. I thought this guy was too small-town-demon to be true.

And, oh my god, he's gonna decapitate Spike. That'll kill him, and I've never even kissed him, and *so* not the time for that thought. Okay, he's a demon. Spike can fight back. Good, that's good. Until he falls over and gets himself killed or.

Eew. Giant tongue. Headed straight for me. And ow. Wall. Head. Pain. C'mon Spike. Get up. Fight. You're the one here with the super-strength. I'm just the bait, or something.

"You think only underworld bottom-feeders worship the beast?" Isn't that just typical. Spike finds us a lead, and he's in league with the other side. Why am I not surprised? But it's good that I'm not surprised, cause that means I'm remembering the whole Spike is evil aspect of this relationship. In the 'we know each other' sense, not in the dating, kissing sense of relationship. Obviously. Cause Spike and I do not have, do not want to have, will not ever have that sort of
relationship. Especially if I just lie here and watch the denture-demon here kill him.

"Her day is coming, boys! And when she returns, then you're gonna see something" Okay, getting up. Helping Spike. Fighting with the demon. Ouch. Ooh, sword. That could be useful. Especially if Spike's gonna let me get beaten to a bloody pulp while he...sticks his hands in the
fire. What's he doing? Vampires and flames, not really mixing. Oh right, getting the box. And I'm fighting still. Sword. Stab demon. Oh, gross. Demon blood. Blue demon blood. Typical.

How's Spike? Not all incinerated. That's good And he got the box. That's even better. Every evil undead demon has its day, I guess

"What do we got?" Hope it's something that helps.

"Something worth dying for." Yay me. I killed a demon. All by myself. And Spike saw me. Wonder if he'll be impressed. Wonder why the hell that matters to me. I've got to see Anya soon, remind myself who I really want, cause this is getting stupid. Thinking he was hot was one thing, but wanting him to like me and be wowed by my demon bashing. That suggests my mind is in a serious mess. Oh well, lets go. Time enough to worry about my impending gender-orientation crisis after we deal with the marginally more important Hellmouth-related disaster. Hell, now I'm channelling Willow, or possibly Giles. Someone who thinks long words are necessary.

Given my current brain-frying confusion, maybe it's a good job I live in Sunnydale? Less time to think. Although, if I lived anywhere else, less chance of meeting ludicrously sexy blond vampire men. That was supposed to be a good - the less chance of meeting Spike like vampires thing - but looking at that ass, I've forgotten why. And leaving now. Not thinking. Or ogling. Not at all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Buffy? She's back." Oh thank god. I thought Giles was gonna make us drink more tea. And also because of the we need her to help us save Dawn thing. Which is a much bigger issue, obviously. Wonder how she's doing

"You're okay?" Please say yes. Or anything. Just function, and all will be right with the world.

"Yeah. I'm okay." Well that's a start. A good start. We have a fully operational slayer on our side. That makes me feel a little less panicky about the whole hell-dimensional thing that Giles just told us. And now he's gonna have to tell Buffy. Boy do I not envy him that job.

"Hear you found the ritual text." Sure. We found it. Don't much want to talk about it though.

"Uh, something like that, yes." Neither does Giles. Don't blame him.

"Did you know that ... Ben is Glory?" And I'm changing the subject. Man, I'm such a coward. I just really don't want to be here for this conversation.

"So I'm told. What do we know?" The Buffster is obviously not to be distracted though. Still, points for effort. Maybe.

"Um ... well, uh ...according to these scrolls, uh, it's possible for Glory to be stopped." Giles doesn't want to do this either. At least I'm not the one who actually has to say it. And, Buffy is not gonna let him delay it much longer.

"I-I'm afraid it's, um ... well, Buffy, I've read these things very carefully and there's not much ... margin for error. You understand what I'm saying?"

"Might help if you actually said it." She's not stupid. She knows there's something bad coming. Giles is opting for the take off your glasses and pretend they need cleaning tactic. Never delays the inevitable though. Just makes it harder to see your impending doom. Which is probably a good thing

"Um ... Glory ... plans to open a ... dimensional portal ... by way of a ritual bloodletting." And here we go.

"Dawn's blood." Buffy is catching on pretty quick. G-Man had to explain this to me twice. Although I think the reason I had a problem was one part not wanting to hear what he was saying and one part being distracted by Spike sitting there trying to look like he wasn't interested. I could watch him for hours.

Gah. Purely out of scientific interest, obviously. You know, curiosity about the habits of another species, that sort of thing. and why am I trying to convince myself. I already know I have the
warm-and-fuzzies. I just don't understand why. He's bad, and male and a vampire, and I am straight, and not evil, and have a very lovely, if a little strange, girlfriend. What is wrong with me? Maybe it's a little pre-apocalyptic panic. Totally understandable, given the whole pre-apocalyptic situation. Which I really should be focussing on. Look at Giles, not Spike. And certainly not in the same way I'm looking at Spike, because, well, eew, to borrow a popular Dawn-ism..

"Yes." Huh? Dawn's blood. That's what we were talking about. "Once the blood is shed at a certain time and place ... the fabric which separates all realities will ... be ripped apart."

"Dimensions will ... pour into one another, uh, with no barriers to stop them" Hey, I know this one. Hordes of hell beasts flood the earth et cetera "Reality as we know it will be destroyed, and ... chaoswill reign on earth." Sounds like the sort of fun that's not.

"So how do we stop it?" Oh, god she asked. Please don't say it Giles. Please

"The portal will only close once the blood is stopped ... and the only way for that to happen is, um ." He can't even look at her. I can't believe he has to tell her this.

"Buffy, the only way is to kill Dawn." He said it. He actually said it. Shit. Now what.

(7)

Oh wow. I can't believe he said it. That was the scariest thing ever. Buffy just went all stary and silent. It was so quiet in hear you could have heard a heartbeat. You could have heard Spike's heartbeat. Then there was this almighty crash from outside, and Buffy went running out like Glory, Adam and The Master were all chasing her. I hope she comes back. Buffy running away would be bad right about now. I think I can hear her coming back. That's good. Wouldn't want to be stuck here facing an apocalypse with Spike as our number one weapon. Okay, Buffy's back. Just gonna sit here and pretend, well, pretend I'm *not* here. I hate the whole tension thing.

"Something goin' on out back?" Or, I could just ask stupid questions and make sure pissed-off Buffy knows I'm here. That works too. Idiot Jed, glutton for punishment strikes again.

"Vampire." Sure, why not? Hell god not giving you enough stress? How about some normal everyday vampires as well? And how did I end up with a life where vampires are normal and everyday? A life where I'm thinking about the kinky things I could do to the bleached blond one
sat three yards away from me? Oh, stop asking youself pointless questions and say something helpful.

"Oh." Nice. Totally contributing to the conversation. All right, shutting up now.

"Anything?" In these books? You mean other than the whole 'you can save the world by killing your sister' option? Zilch. Nada. Niente. Absolutely nothing. But who's got the balls to tell Buffy that?

"Nothing you want to hear. The ritual is, uh." Okay, so Giles is braver, or possibly stupider than I thought. And as I never thought of him as stupid, that's entirely possible. But still, why would he want to do this?

"Explain it again." Maybe cause Buffy's not gonna give him a choice. She's gonna listen to that all over again. I guess Idiot Jed's fallen to second place in the Glutton for Punishment Championships.

"There's nothing new to-"

"Go through it again." Oh, this is harsh. I've seen Buffy look scary before but this is the worst. Worse than after she died. Worse than when the Angelus thing was happening. Way worse than all that. Even than when Joyce died. Dawn is all she has left, and we're sitting here telling her that the only way to save the world might be to kill her.

"The key was ... living energy. It needed to be channelled, poured into a specific place at a specific time. The energy ... would flow into that spot, the walls between the dimensions break down. It stops, the energy's used up, the walls come back up. Glory uses that time to get back into her own dimension, not caring that all manner of hell will be unleashed on earth in the meantime."

Great. Hell on earth. Done this one before. A couple of times. However many apocalypses you see, it never gets any less scary. Must be strange for the fangless one though. Not the potential apocalypse - hundred and twenty years, he's probably seen a few more than we have - but being on the how do we stop it side for a change. Although, I guess he did have that whole truce with Buffy over the Acathla thing.

Maybe he really doesn't want the world to end. He's not such a bad guy for a, well, bad guy. And I am gonna stop justifying my fucked up attraction to him, and accept that it's wrong. He's a demon and a man. And I am straight, and human, and on the side that wants to stop apocalypses. Apocali? Whatever the plural is. We're supposed to be preventing one, and I should pay attention. What am I paying attention to? Oh, right, the channelling energy to bring hell to earth thing. Nope, that really doesn't sound any better the second time around.

"Um, but only for a little while, right? The walls come back up, uh, n-no more hell?" Here's hoping. You'd think Anya would be a little more blasé about all this. I mean, eleven hundred years old, she makes Spike look like a pre-schooler. But becoming mortal really hit her hard in
terms of not wanting to die. Not that it's surprising that she really doesn't want to face hell on earth any more than the rest of us. You'd just think that she'd be less freaked by the possibility.

"That's only if the energy is stopped. And now the key is human ...is Dawn." That's still making no sense to me. Dawn is not a key. She's a teenage girl. She's Buffy's little sister, who has a crush on me. Or she did until the bleached blond menace came along all dangerous and strong and sexy and, okay, she's in good company with the whole crush on Spike thing.

""The blood flows, the gates will open. The gates will close when it flows no more." When Dawn is dead." Oh god. This is awful. We're talking about Dawn dying and I'm sitting here day-dreaming about the vampire with the bad peroxide job, who thinks he's in love with the slayer. He's crazy. I'm crazy. I'm sick and depraved and I need help.

"I have places to be!" But hey, at least I'm sharing the crazy train with Tara. Although, to be fair, she has a better excuse, what with getting her brain sucked by the Hell God. I have no excuse beyond the never ending lunacy that is my mind. Which is so messed up, I need more than help. I need shooting. Seeing as no one here - other than Spike, who can't - is likely to be prepared to do that, maybe I should concentrate on my impending death by apocalypse now, and contemplate the possibility that it would probably be a welcome release *if* it doesn't happen tonight.

"Why blood? Why Dawn's blood? I mean, why couldn't it be like a, a lymph ritual?" Great. Even when I try to be helpful, it comes out sounding like a stupid joke, like I don't care. Which, obviously, I do.

"'Cause it's always got to be blood." Sure, Mr 'Blood is Life', you would say that. Just when I think Spike might be okay, he has to remind me of the whole he's a blood-sucking monster issue. That's probably good, cause it puts me off a little, which really can't be a bad thing.

"We're not actually discussing dinner right now." That's good. Sound like you're pissed at him. That way, hopefully no-one will realise you're actually thinking about what it would be like to kiss him, or lick that amazingly toned body from top to bottom, and back up again. Oh. As Dawn would say, eew. Enough. Remember, we don't want people, especially Spike, to know what we're thinking.

"Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead. Course it's her blood." Oh boy. He's really not helping. Hard Spike. That's quite a thought. A bad one. This is ridiculous. I'm getting all hot and bothered because Spike's talking about blood. There really is not enough yuck to describe how vile that is. Which is why I'm not at all turned on by it. Really I'm not. These trousers are just really tight. Me being known for my tight fitting clothes, of course. Aaargh. This is stupid. World ending here. Focus.

"Pretty simple math here. We stop Glory before she can start the ritual. We still have a couple of hours, right?" Thank you, Buffy. We're talking about saving Dawn. From now on, my thoughts are totally focussed on that. I'm not gonna think about Spike hard, or licking Spike, or Spike licking me, or.enough. That is it. No more thinking. At all. I'm fairly sure no one'll notice the difference.

"If my calculations are right. But Buffy-" Maybe Giles is trying to compete with me and the Buffster in the Glutton for Punishment tournament. He really is very stupid. And I never thought I'd be thinking that about Mr I've read every book in this reality and some that haven't been written yet.

"I don't wanna hear it." Buffy's going for the ostrich approach. Stick your head in the sand and hope it goes away. Well, it's worked for me so far. Where's the fun in facing your inner turmoil when you can let it stay both inner and turmoily until you totally lose control of it and can't think about anything other than naked vampires. Yeah, denial is the best.

"I understand that-" Oh boy. Guess Giles really is stupid. Even I know that trying to tell Buffy he understands anything about this is the surest way to be beaten to a bloody pulp. Not that she would. But you'd think he'd try and remember that she *could* when he starts trying to tell to kill her own sister

"No! No, you don't understand. We are not talking about this." And again with the ostrich, Buff. I hate this, but I know we have to talk about it.

"Yes, we bloody well are!" Okay then. This is as bad as it gets. When Giles starts shouting, you know we've hit rock bottom. It doesn't go with the whole British staid and stuffy breeding thing. And I hate it. I've always hated shouting, and this is the worst kind. Even Spike looks a little stunned. Guess he didn't think the watcher had it in him. He probably doesn't know about the Ripper side of Giles' teenage years.

"If Glory begins the ritual ... if we can't stop her." Please, G-Man, stop. This is all gonna end in tears. What am I saying? Of course it's gonna end in tears, Hell's gonna be released onto the Earth. I'd say tears are pretty much inevitable.

"Come on. Say it. We're bloody well talking about this. Tell me to kill my sister." Shit. I think we all forgot what this conversation was about. How can we even be talking about this?

"She's not your sister." Christ, Giles. How can you say that? I know he remembers Dawn the same as the rest of us. As the littlest Summers. The annoying one who was always getting in the way and breaking things when he was trying to train Buffy. And I know he's saying this because it has to be said, but this is beyond harsh.

"No. She's not. She's more than that. She's me. The monks made her out of me. I hold her ... and I feel closer to her than . It's not just the memories they built. It's physical. Dawn ... is a part of me. The only part that I-" Oh, Buff, please don't cry. Tears would not be a good thing right now. We need super-strength slayer, not freaked out catatonic girl.

"We'll solve this. We will. Don't have another coma, okay?" Looks like Will's thinking the same as me. She's really holding things together right now, even with Tara being all mind mushed. How did my little Willow get so brave and strong? It's actually kind of embarrassing that the girls around here are keeping it all going, and I'm sitting having a mental breakdown because I can't cope with lusty thoughts about the chipped vampire. Could this get any worse?

"If the ritual starts, then every living creature in this and every other dimension imaginable will suffer unbearable torment and death ...including Dawn." Why do I ask such stupid questions? Of course it could get worse. It always does.

"Then the last thing she'll see is me protecting her." I hate this. I've never been good at the whole tense silence thing. That's why I always open my mouth and insert my foot at moments like this.
Unfortunately, even I can't think of anything incredibly stupid to say right now. Maybe somebody else could do it for me. Spike? Giles?

"You'll fail. You'll die. We all will." Okay then. I was thinking more along the lines of 'who wants tea', not 'we're all facing certain death and there's nothing we can do.' Maybe it would've been better if Spike had chipped in, pun not intended. More chance of something stupid being said. And, he probably feels less bad about the apocalypse thing, given that he's an undead demon and all. So possibly slightly more cheerful. Or maybe not. He'd probably agree with Giles just to get a happy from seeing us freaked. I know. That's not really fair. He really does give a crap about Dawnie, and he thinks he's in love with Buffy, so maybe I should cut him some slack.

Did I really just think that? There will be no cutting of slack for the evil vampire. He is bad and not your friend and in no way the recurring star in your nocturnal fantasies and now I'm talking to myself. I can't believe Buffy let the vampire who thinks he's in love with her hang around so that I could drive myself crazy thinking about the things I could do to his body with my tongue and a bottle of maple syrup. Why would she do that to me?

"I'm sorry." Huh? Did I say that out loud? Is Buffy answering me. Please, no. Okay, I can't have done. Spike isn't laughing and, for once, everybody isn't looking at me like I'm insane. She's apologising for something else then. That's good. But what is she sorry for?

"I love you all ... but I'm sorry." Oh right, of course. The whole, I won't kill my sister to stop hell being released onto earth, so you're all gonna die thing. Forgot about that for a minute. Which says a lot about my mental state at the minute. Insane. I'm totally insane.

"Okay. All in favour of stopping Glory *before* the ritual. Suggestions, ideas? Time's a-wastin'." Alright. That's a good idea Anya. Stop this before killing Dawn becomes our only option for world-saveage. I can't believe Buffy felt she had to apologise for this. I mean, I'm not really up for dying right now, but I don't expect Buffy to kill her sister to save the world. Who the hell would be unfeeling enough to even.

"Uh ... when you say you love us all." Apart from Spike. Okay, so there are those whose sensitivity is a little impaired. Why can't he just get over it?

"Shut up." Gaah. Great, now I'm synchronised speaking with Giles. Admittedly, wanting Spike to shut up, not the deepest thought ever. And I'm fairly sure we didn't think it for the same reason. At least I hope not. Really don't want to think about Giles being jealous because Spike
wants to get groiny with Buffy instead of him. And now I've thought it and yeuch, now I want to wash my brain out with bleach. Bad enough that I'm thinking about me and Spike doing the nasty, but *Giles* and Spike? That's seriously disturbed. I'm gonna stop thinking at all now, and
worry about the less confusing stuff instead. You know, the life and death, facing the end of the world stuff.

"Willow. I bet you've got some dark spell a-brewin'. Uh, make her a, a, a toad? Little hoppy toad, we can hit her with a hammer?" Anya still on with the super helpful vibe. She's really freaked by being mortal and facing death. If I remember rightly, last time things got apocalypsy
she hightailed it out of here. But maybe she's right. We should start thinking seriously about ways to stop this. And, thinking about it, I realise that everyone else probably already was. I'm sure I'm the only one here having such crazy thoughts when there's an end of the world scenario to deal with.

"Hoppy toad." Okay, maybe not the only one. But certainly the only one without a valid excuse. Being brain sucked by a hell god is a slightly better explanation for insanity than I've got. Wanting to be sucked by Spike is probably not gonna be acceptable to the others - especially my beloved girlfriend - as a reason why I can't come up with any helpful stop-the-world-from-ending suggestions. Gyah. There will be no sucking. Okay. Enough mad thinking. I'm totally gonna contribute now. There's got be something in my messed up head that can help.

"What about Ben? He can be killed, right? I mean, I know he's an innocent, but, you know, not like Dawn innocent. We could kill a ... regular guy." Okay, so I'm helping. Or not. Did I really just say that? Being around Spike really has rubbed off on me. Oh and there's a pretty mental picture. Gah. Focus. I can't believe I just suggested killing someone.

"God." Man, there are times when I amaze even myself with my lack of thinking before speaking. How could I even think that? We can't kill someone. Maybe - well okay, definitely - Spike could, if it wasn't for the chip, but not the rest of us. And it's Ben, a person I know. Okay, so I didn't like him much, but this is awful.

"It's doubtful he'll surface again this close to the ritual. We can expect its Glory we're dealing with." Oh that's good. No one's going to ask me to kill Ben. Obviously. No one who wasn't as insane as me would even have suggested it. Okay, so Spike might, but he probably falls into the insane category too, so no prizes for that one.

"We don't have to kill her. Uh, we just have to stop her from doing the ritual. I mean, there's only the one time that she can do it, right?" Okay, that's good, we're coming up with sane, useful suggestions now. Well, I say we - actually, I'm gonna shut up and let everyone forget about my totally helpful murder the human idea. Except Spike. Maybe he'll think it's cool, and stop thinking of me as the total loser. Oh yeah, and I really want to get in Spike's good books that way. Not that I care what he thinks of me at all.

"Yeah. We get her on the ropes, we just gotta keep her occupied till it's too late." Great, even he has more to contribute than I do. And Anya is being more useful than me. The two demonic types - granted one ex and one neutered, but still demons - are trying to help save the world and all I can do is make pointless, murderous suggestions. Brilliant. My sanity is no longer in question because my lack of any at all has been confirmed. At least so far it's only me who's realised that. I think. Maybe if I'm very quiet and don't think about Spike, I can keep it that way until hell opens up. Which, I'm remembering, may well be tonight.

"Okay. But I'm still not hearing enough ideas. She's a god. Let's think outside the box." Much as Anya wants to help, I think all this enthusiasm from someone who used to revel in apocalypses - apocali, whatever - is likely to really annoy somebody if she doesn't tone it down.

"Why don't *you* go think outside the bleeding box." As, for example, Spike.

"Yes, Anya, apart from your incredibly uninfectious enthusiasm, have you anything else to contribu-" And obviously Giles also. That's my girl! Try to help and utterly irritate everyone, live and dead, within a five-mile radius. Why would anyone think I had strange tastes? Anya, Cordy, Spike. All with a fairly major talent for pissing people off. What does it say about me that I find that attractive? And why am I still thinking that way about Spike. Enough already. There's a Hell God to fight, and I'm not helping.

"The Dagon sphere!" Huh? The what

"Sorry?" Oh, good. Giles doesn't know either. That means the problem here is probably Anya's approach rather than my brain, or lack thereof. Thereof. That's a Giles word. I really have lost it.

"When Buffy first met Glory, she found that magical ... glowy sphere that was meant to repel Glory. We've got it in the basement. It might drive her away or hurt her." Go, Anya. Why is everyone looking so surprised. Anya may be a total pain, but she's not stupid. I'm the crazy idiot in our relationship. Talking of which, I have to break up with her. This is totally unfair on her. She has a right to a boyfriend who doesn't spend most nights dreaming about the things he could do to the impotent vampire in the corner. Although, hopefully not too impotent, because where's the fun?

"And Olaf the troll god's enchanted hammer." Okay, Anya is still here, and still your girlfriend. And she's really kicking ass today. Only in a metaphorical way. Although I realise that could change if she knew what I was thinking. Hopefully, that will never *ever* happen.

"You wanna fight a god, use the weapon of a god." Well, that makes sense. Maybe if my brain wasn't so messed up with Spike thoughts, I'd be able to come up with some useful suggestions.

"Uh, nah, that thing's too heavy to- Yeah. Good." Hah. That was pretty funny. Spike's face when Buffy just picked the axe up like it was a balloon. Hey, Spike looking stupid gave me a happy. That's progress, right? Laughing at him is better than wanting to jump him when my
girlfriend is in the room. My ex-vengeance demon girlfriend. Who's really on top form today. Oh, I don't have a death wish at all.

"I like this. Thanks." Boy, oh boy. Buffy thanking Anya for help with the slaying thing. Never thought I'd see the day. Check out the irony. I've spent months wishing my friends would accept my girlfriend as part of the group. Now they've started to, and I just wish she'd go away so I could get a little closer to the vampire. The very *male* vampire. And there's nothing on this earth that will make them accept him as part of the group. Not in an 'I'm Xander's boyfriend' way, anyway. What am I talking about. I don't want Spike as my boyfriend. This is strictly stress related hormone overload. Not actual attraction to the very male very dead vampire. No way.

"Here to help. Wanna live." Especially not with my currently ass-kicking ex-demon girlfriend around to witness, suspect or even have an inkling about it. I really don't want her to know that I'm thinking about the possibilities for Spike, our shower and large quantities of lubricating substances. Oh, Gross. Please stop thinking before you open your big mouth and say something stupid.

"Smart chicks are soooo hot." Did I say that? That's pretty scary. Maybe my subconscious is protecting me from the whole death wish thing after all, because that is so far from what I was really thinking, it's on a different planet - a nice, safe one, where I'm totally convinced of my own heterosexuality and there are no sexy blond vampire men helping us to save the world. Still, at least some part of my brain is going to prevent me from being eviscerated or castrated by a seriously vengeful woman

"You couldn't have figured that out in tenth grade?" Or possibly not. Hmm, who to piss off. The millennium-old vengeance demon or the hugely powerful sorceress? The words 'rock' and 'hard place' spring to mind. And not in a double entendre kind of way, either. Still, Willow's smiling at me, so we're probably okay for now. At least as long as the survival instinct part of me carries on making me say things that aren't going to put me in a very embarrassing position. As long as I
don't *ever* say what I'm thinking. Or I start to think something different. Hey, I could think about the end of the world. That's less dangerous.

"Well, we have some ideas, if we could actually get Glory on the run, but, um." C'mon Giles, spit it out. What big stumbling block have we hit now. He's really pessimist guy today. Which is not really surprising, given the circumstances, but as Watcher guy, shouldn't he be waving the flag in the slayer parade and giving us lots of false hope? That would be nice right about now.

"But, we still have no idea how to find her." Oh right. Finding Glory. That could be a problem.

"Big day. Oh, it calls me! I have to be there!" Or possibly not. Tara could just lead us right there. That would work.

"Big day!" You got it Tara. Big day. Save Dawn. Save the world. Work out how to break up with Anya without losing an essential part of my anatomy. Deal with the fact that I have the hots for an evil creature of the night who hates me, and claims to be in love with one of my best friends. Biggest day ever. I can hardly wait.

(8)

Oh god. I can't believe I did that. We had sex in Giles' basement. Well, the Magic shop, but it is Giles' all the same. I was gonna break up with Anya, I really was, but then she was so scared, I couldn't do it. And any time we try to have a serious talk, it ends in sex. Still, at least no one's seen us.

"Any luck? Have you found the Dagon sphere?" Gah. Please don't come down here, Giles. Please.

"Um, I'm sure it's here, just be a minute!" Cause it's taken us twenty minutes to only look in part of the basement. Yeah. He's gonna believe that.

"Yeah, we're on it! Let's look over here, where we didn't look yet." Why the hell did I do that? This was not supposed to happen. I can't break up with her now. Not after we just.in Giles' basement. She'll kill me. And with a girlfriend who spent a thousand years avenging the wrongs done to women, that's not just an idle fear. Not to worry. We'll just get through tonight, then I'll sit down and have a nice civilised chat with her. I'll tell her the truth. It's not her. It's me. I'm not ready for a relationship. There isn't anyone else. I just don't want to be with anybody right now.

What? You thought I was gonna tell her the *actual* truth? Yeah, right. 'Anya, hon, the real reason I don't want to be with you any more is that I've decided I'm gay. And I like Spike. The last few times we've had sex, I've been thinking about him. I want to break up because you're not an evil, blond vampire.*male vampire*.and that's what I really want.' Yeah sure. I like my body parts where they are thank you very much. And if I can spend so much time denying all that to myself, I'm sure as hell not gonna tell it to Anya. I'm insane, not suicidal. My life may be screwed up, but I don't have the sort of death wish that includes being tortured in some unspeakable way by a demon with a millennium of experience wreaking terrible vengeance on unfaithful men. Anyway, gonna finish getting dressed before I do anything.

"Time is a factor." Of course it is, Giles. Have you noticed that, despite all those ancient prophecies and scrolls, we never get advance warning on the need for world saveage? No one ever says, in 2008 there's gonna be a giant demon trying to open a Hellmouth in Cleveland. Can you start planning his defeat now, please? It's always, 'and by the way, the world's gonna end tomorrow unless you can find an amulet that's been lost for six hundred years and assemble an army of hundreds to fight said demon guy.'

"Yes. Yes. Not to worry." Okay, Anya, no worrying. We won't worry about the end of the world. We won't worry about finding the Dagon Sphere. And, most of all, we won't worry about breaking up, because I don't have the courage, or possibly the lack of common sense to do it. No, I know I have necessary shortage of common sense. I want to make out with the evil vampire, for god sake. No sense here at all. Obviously I'm just a coward. So Anya and me'll just have pre-battle sex, and pretend everything is one hundred percent fine.

"So, are you more, uh ... Relaxed?" I mean, that whole Giles' basement thing was stupid, but the actual 'smooshing' was good. I hope Anya feels better for it.

"No." Huh? I just did the sympathy sex and she didn't even enjoy it? That can't be right. Can it?

"No? I mean, it sounded like you, uh ... Arrived." Don't tell me she faked it? That means she could have been faking it all along. That's embarrassing. And if I can't even please Anya, who's only ever been with me in the last thousand years, what the hell would I be able to do for Spike. I mean, he's a vampire. He's got to have loads of experience. I bet him and Angel.no, don't think about that. Not now. There's no time for that kind of fantasy. Not that that is a fantasy of mine. Not Deadboy. No way. But anyway, Anya. I was sure she.you know.

"No." Dammit. That's not good. "Yes. Um, I had the pleasure moment, and the blissful calm that comes right after it." Oh thank God for that. "But that only lasted a couple of seconds, and now I'm terrified again." But at least she enjoyed it. That's what matters. Or possibly not, given the whole world-ending fear. Could be slightly more important.

"Well, you don't have to be." Sure. I can't even convince myself of that. How am I supposed to convince her?

"Gah!" Okay, now I'm terrified. What the hell? Oh right. It's Buffy. Not real Buffy, obviously. Robot Buffy. Not that scary really.

"What?"

"Spike's sex-bot. Why didn't they just melt it down into scrap?" Cause then it wouldn't be there, looking at me, reminding me of that night. Seeing her - it - and Spike. That's the night Buffy said something about me having sex with Spike. If it wasn't for this stupid robot, I wouldn't be here now, having lusty wrong thought about Spike and trying to figure out a safe way to break up with my ex vengeance demon girlfriend.

"Maybe Willow wanted it." What? That's more disgusting than Spike using it. Or me. Me using *it*, I mean, not Spike using me. Cause I wouldn't let him.

"I don't think Willow feels that way about, about Buffy. I mean, I know she's gone through a lot of changes, but-" That would just be horrible.

"To study it." Oh, right. Willow as study girl, not Willow as lesbian. That makes more sense. And is way less icky.

"Right. Robotics. Science." Now I'm a little less disturbed. Not such scary thoughts. What's also scary is that Anya knew what I was thinking. Hope she doesn't usually. Not with the sort of thoughts I've been having recently.

"Pervert." Okay, maybe she can. Or it's possible she's still talking about the Buffy-bot and Willow thing. More likely, I suppose, what with the whole me still being alive and in one piece thing. And also, hey. Who is *she* calling pervert.

"Other pervert." I think that's fair, given that she was obviously thinking the same thing.

"And don't frighten me like tha-aah!" Aaargh. Now what? Isn't today bad enough without a basement full of.rabbits? She's screaming about bloody bunnies. And now I'm channelling my inner Spike again. Great

"God, who, who would put something like that there? Is this supposed to be some sort of sick joke?" Stupid bunny fear. Not really enough to give me a heart attack over. We need to get out of this basement before I do something stupid.

"I mean, things aren't bad enough! This is an omen." I don't think, given how bad this situation is, that we need any omens. Or any panic. Better try and calm her down.

"Hey, hey, shh" Yeah, that ought to do it.

"No, no, it's an omen. It's a higher power, trying to tell me through bunnies that we're all gonna die. Oh god." Or perhaps not. But I refuse to see rabbits as bad omens. There are too many genuinely bad, bad omens to give fluffy bunnies a look in.

"No it's not." That ought to work. Just tell her she's wrong.

"It's okay." Gee, I'm really doing my stuff with the comfort today. Wonder how many more pointless platitudes I can come up with. Not that they seem to be working.

"No, you see, usually when there's an apocalypse, I skedaddle. But now I love you so much that instead I have inappropriately timed sex and try to think of ways to fight a god ... and worry terribly that something might happen to you. And also worry that something'll happen to me. And then I have guilt that I'm not more worried about everyone else, but I just don't have enough! I'm just on total overload, and I honestly don't think that I could be more nervous than I am right now." Oh great. Now I have guilt that Anya has guilt. What can I do to make this right? Wait, what's this in my pocket?

"Care to wager on that?" Oh god. What am I doing? This is not a good idea. In fact, this idea sucks.

"Anya ... you wanna marry me?" Oh shit. I said it. Oh god. I'm such an idiot. I know, like that's news. Maybe she'll say no. Ouch.

"Can I take that as a "maybe"?" Or maybe she'll hit me. I know I didn't exactly think this through, given that I was gonna break up with her, not ask her to marry me, but even when I wanted to marry her and was scared of asking, I never thought she'd hit me.

"You're proposing to me!" Please don't remind me.

"Yes." What else would I be doing? With the ring and all? Discussing demon-killing tactics? Okay, so that's a real possibility, but still, it was a stupid question.

"You're proposing to me 'cause we're gonna die! And you think it's romantic and sexy and, and you know you're not gonna have to go through with it 'cause the world's gonna end!" No. I'm proposing to you because I'm a crazy lunatic who just had sex with you instead of getting up the courage to break it off, and who felt guilty because you love me and you're here facing the apocalypse with me and all I want to do is find Spike and spend what is possibly the last night of my life experiencing whole new horizons of male on male action. But I might not tell you that.

"I'm proposing to you, Anya, because it's not." Okay, that sounded better. Although, even though I think we could fight Glory and win, the world as I know it has pretty much already ended, what with the admitting I like Spike - only to myself of course - and the proposing to my girlfriend, who I no longer want to marry.

"You can't know that." What? That I don't want to marry her. Unfortunately, I really do. I know I want Spike, and that scares me, but I don't want to marry Anya. Is that really what she meant? Oh, she's talking about the world not ending. I guess she's right. I don't know that. But I can hope, right? Maybe I'll get through tonight, Anya will decide she doesn't want to have orgasms with me anymore, and Spike will declare his undying lust for me. What. It could happen. In the world without shrimp, or another one of those alternative universes! Probably not in my world though, cause how often do things go the way I want them to? In this one, I've just proposed to Anya, and I've got to figure out a way to deal with that without one or both of us getting seriously hurt.

"I believe it. I think we're gonna get through this. I think I'm gonna live a long ... and silly life, and I'm not interested in doing that without you around." Oh, my subconscious is good at this. It's kinda nice how I can think one thing and say something else completely without, well, thinking about it. Although, the whole proposal thing suggests it could also get me into a world of trouble.

"Oh. Okay." Like, for example.

"Okay?" Please let that not be a yes. Let it be an 'okay, you're clearly crazy and I'm not gonna hold you to this' okay.

"Yes. I mean, yes." Oh boy. Okay, smile. Pretend this is a good thing. Maybe she'll change her mind.

"No." Oh thank you god. But why?

"No?" She really doesn't want to. That hurts. I mean, it's a good thing, but it hurts all the same.

"After. Give it to me when the world doesn't end." Oh damn. She means yes. How do I get myself into these messes? Now, I don't just have to break up with the vengeance demon, I have to break off our engagement. That's such an improvement, I don't think. Oh well, I suppose I can worry about how to sort out my life without dying if I get through tonight without, well, dying.

(END PART 8)