Title:
The sun shines aluminum bright—
Author:
Zenia
Summary:
AJ’s drugged and Rick has a conversation with Mom.
Rating:
PG-13
Series/Sequel:
Yes, Part seven of the “Tarnished Metal” series
Email:
ztovarich@yahoo.com
Disclaimer:
They’re not mine, never will be.
Please don't sue.
Feedback:
It would be nice.
Warnings:
Talk of incest and sex between two men.
Notes: This story is a missing scene for the episode “The Least Dangerous Game.”
The sun shines aluminum bright—
By Zenia
What AJ needed was full body armor. Not anything too involved, just something to deflect knives, bullets…tranquilizer darts. I don’t know what they dipped the needle in but he’s gone. There was a moment or two when I thought about leaving him in the cage with that cat. But Mom would never have forgiven me. And he calls me a troublemaker.
“Who’s carrying who over his shoulder,” I grumbled.
“I’m not heavy, I’m your brother.” Then he burst into giggles.
“That’s what you think. You might wanna lose a couple of pounds.”
That really got him going.
“Yeah Kid, I’m hilarious.” I carried him up the path to Mom’s house and went in. “Hi Mom.”
She looked at me and went back to her paper. It’s sad that this sorta thing doesn’t faze her anymore.
My back and knees were ready to give out by the time I got to our old room. I slapped him on the butt. “AJ! Come on Kid, wake up.”
“Huh?”
“I’m gonna put you down. Can you stand?”
“Uh-huh, I think so.”
I put him down and for a moment I thought he was going to make it. Then his knees buckled. I caught him then shoved him back. He made an ‘oof’ sound when he hit the bed. Then he started to giggle.
I shook my head and went to work on his shoes.
AJ leaned up on his elbows. “Whatcha doin’ Rick?”
“I’m getting you ready for bed Kid.” I slipped off his shoes and then his socks.
“Oh.” He grabbed me and with one quick jerk pulled me down on the bed beside him. “I don’t wanna sleep.”
“Well you have to sleep. You’ve been drugged AJ.” I tried to get up but AJ snuggled up against my side, putting his head on my shoulder.
He sighed. “I love you.”
“I know.”
He lifted his head. “How come you never say you love me back?”
“Come on Kid, you’re starting to go weird on me.”
AJ put his hand on my stomach and started to rub. “I miss you Rick.”
Damn it. Why does he have to make this more difficult than it already is? “I work with you everyday.”
“Not what I mean.” He nuzzled my ear, then bit it.
“Jesus.” I pulled away barely catching myself from falling on the floor. “Mom’s downstairs.”
“I know.” AJ put his head near mine. “I try so hard not to miss you, but I do.”
“I’m not doing this with you right now. Not when you’re drugged out of your skull.” I slid away. “Go to sleep AJ, just go to sleep.”
“This won’t go away Rick. This isn’t some disease.”
“Don’t you dare quote my words back to me. I know damned well what I said. It doesn’t change anything. This was a mutual decision.” I swallowed trying to get the lump in my throat to go down. Why couldn’t he just pass out like a normal person?
“So it’s supposed to be easy? I’m not supposed to miss you in my bed? I’m not—” He broke off and turned his head.
“AJ.” I sat next to him and stroked his hair. “It’s all close to the surface ‘cause of the drug. You’ll feel different in the morning.”
“That’s a damned lie and you know it.”
“All I know is that you’re drugged, I’m tired, and we still have a job to do in the morning.”
He was fighting to keep his eyes open. “It’s always all or nothing with us. Why can’t we find that middle ground?”
“I wish I knew.” I stroked his hair until his eyes closed and he was breathing deep.
“What’s wrong with him?”
I turned to see my mom in the doorway. “He got hit with a tranquilizer dart and instead of putting him to sleep it made him talkative.”
She walked in and looked down at him. “Whenever I look at him I see a little boy. There are times I forget that he’s a man. He used to have nightmares when you were in Viet Nam. He was afraid you would die there, we both were. I don’t think he slept well those two years. He idolized you, a part of him still does.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Then I realized what she was getting at. “ I said I wouldn’t touch him and I haven’t.”
“I know you haven’t.” She looked up at me. “I’m no fool Rick; no one can talk AJ into anything he doesn’t want to do. I’m trying to understand why.”
At that moment I wished it was me that got the dart stuck in him instead of AJ. I didn’t wanna have this conversation, not now, not ever.
“You can’t understand and you never will. You call it dirty names but all it ever was, and all it ever will be, is love.” I touched AJ’s head, feeling the soft hair beneath my fingertips. “I tried telling you before that I’ve loved him for a long time. He’s the only thing that’s ever mattered to me.”
“I see.”
I turned to her, seeing the tears in her eyes. “I love you too Mom but you never needed me, not like him. After Dad died AJ would crawl into bed with me and hold me so tight I couldn’t breathe. I think he was half afraid I would disappear. I needed that, I needed someone to want me.”
“You think I didn’t?” She touched my arm.
“I was always such a problem. I had to do things by my rules. I know you love me, but AJ was the star of the family. I joke about him being the golden boy, but he is, and that’s all right. I’ll stand back in the shadows, as long as I can see him shine.” I took a deep breath. “Do you think I’m in this business for my health? I enjoy the work but I can leave it if I have to. I do it for him.”
“It’s wrong, what you were doing, what you’re feeling. It’s wrong.” Mom pulled away.
“Maybe. I don’t know about that, it being right or wrong. It doesn’t even really matter anymore does it? I let him go and he went and that’s what’s important to you.”
She was silent for a long while. “I can’t change how I feel. I’m glad that it’s over and I won’t ever be sorry for stopping it.”
“I know and I don’t expect you feel differently. But AJ will always be my life Mom, even if he marries, has a dozen kids, and moves to Timbuktu.” I brushed the hair from her face. “If he is happy, I’m happy and if he needs me to leave him, I’ll go away. And if he needs me to be something as uncomplicated as a brother, then I can be that and nothing more.”
“And is that all you are?” She stared at AJ.
“Yeah, that’s all I am. Despite what you think of me, I’m not a fool. Someday AJ will find himself a woman and fall in love. And on that day Simon & Simon is over. It would have happened, whether we continued with our relationship or not. I know that, I’ve always known that. He needs something more than I can give.”
“What is that?”
“Stability, something normal, acceptable. I’m not any of those things, never have been and never will be. Someday, he’ll have an office in a law firm and I’ll be an embarrassment.”
“That’s not true,” she said suddenly.
I laughed. “Oh maybe he won’t think it, but it doesn’t mean that it won’t be true. I’ve always known the score, that it wouldn’t be forever. And I know you don’t wanna hear this, but I will never regret what we had. Never.”
“Rick.” There was a warning in her tone.
“I know, I’m sorry, I know.” I shook my head. “Most days I don’t even think about it. And it doesn’t matter because…well it doesn’t. I’m saying things I shouldn’t say and I really should get some sleep. I’m tired and my body aches ‘cause I had to carry AJ around while a psycho took shots at us with a dart gun”
She shook her head and I could see the concern in her eyes.
“Look, I promised and I’ll keep that promise. I love you Mom, and I love AJ and I won’t ruin this.”
“Rick, I love you too.” She hugged me and then headed for the door. Before she left, she stopped and looked at me. “I know you’ll keep your promise. You’re a good man. You are. You’re father would have been proud of you.”
Except that you slept with your brother.
She didn’t say it, but then she didn’t have to. And she was right; Dad wouldn’t have understood any more that she did. Hell, I don’t even think that I do. It’s what’s best though for him and for Mom. I had two wonderful years, not always perfect, but good years.
I love him and he loves me. It doesn’t matter that we don’t share the same bed because he trusts me to watch his back. Even if I can’t touch him, and I am standing far in the shadows, I can still see him shine.
