Title: Onyx is the color of pain

Author: Zenia

Pairings: Rick/AJ

Summary:  The boys deal with a loss

Rating: NC17

Series: Part two of the “Semi-Precious Stones” series.

Email: ztovarich@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: They’re not mine, never will be.  Please don't sue. 

Feedback: Pretty please with sugar on top.

Warnings: There are a couple of them.  First this story has the death of a major character from S&S.  Second, this is an underage!fic which means, sex with a minor.  Third, this is an alternate universe story, a what if story.  Oh yeah, fourthly, this story has incest.

 

 

Onyx is the color of pain

By Zenia

 

AJ woke to the sensation of falling.  He jerked and gasped, grasping the sheets beneath him.  It took a moment for him to realize that he was safely in bed and that he had been sleeping.  He looked blearily at he clock and groaned.  3:20 in the morning. 

 

He glanced at Rick’s bed and his heart sped up.  His bed was still made which meant that Rick had not come in to sleep.  AJ took a deep breath.  It was all right.  Maybe Rick had fallen asleep downstairs.  He had said that he wouldn’t leave.

 

AJ climbed out of bed, deciding not to bother with slippers or his robe.  As he stepped out of the room he noticed that his mother’s bedroom light was on.  The thick rug helped to silence his footsteps.  He opened the door slowly and looked in.  Rick was sitting on their mother’s bed, a stack of photo albums at his side.  His face was buried in his hands and his shoulders were shaking.

 

He was crying.  Rick was crying.

 

AJ rushed to his brother’s side, laying a hand on his shoulder. “Rick?” His voice shook with emotion.

 

“AJ.” Rick scrubbed his face with his hands and sniffed loudly. “What’re you doing up?”

 

“You didn’t come to bed.” He touched Rick’s cheek. “You were crying.”

 

“Yeah well, I got a reason to don’t I?”

 

“Yes Rick.” AJ pushed the photos out of the way and sat down. “The last time I saw you cry was when Dad died.  And only once.”

 

Rick sighed. “I know.  You got so upset after seeing me cry I made sure you never saw me do it again.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Rick looked at him. “For what?”

 

He shook his head then he asked, hesitantly, “Are you angry with me?”

 

“Why would I be angry with you?”

 

“Because I kissed you.  Because I still wanna kiss you.”

 

“AJ—”

 

“I love you Rick.  Don’t you love me?”

 

“Of course I do.  But it ain’t that simple.” He stood up and began pacing.

 

AJ watched for a few moments before he got up and hugged him. “Mom said that someday I’d meet someone I’d wanna spend the rest of my life with.  She said that making love to that person would be special.  Rick you’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to spend forever with.  You’re the only person I’ve ever loved.”

 

Rick pushed him away. “You’re confused.  Mom’s dead and you’re scared that I’ll go away.  But I won’t AJ, I’ll always protect you.”

 

“I’m not confused.  But I am scared.  Not that you’ll leave me, but that you’ll hate me for feeling how I feel.” AJ sobbed. “When I was little I used to imagine that when we grew up, we’d get married like Mom and Dad.  Stupid little kid dreams, before I knew that two guys couldn’t get married.”

 

“AJ, don’t do this.”

 

“Please Rick.” AJ grabbed Rick around the waist and buried his face in his chest. “Don’t hate me now when I need you.”

 

“Damn you AJ.  Damn you.”  Rick pressed his forehead to AJ’s, his breath hot and hard against his brother’s face.

 

AJ stepped back, pulling Rick with him, and as he tumbled to the bed, so did his brother. “Don’t damn me.  I’ll be good to you Rick, better than any of those girls you’ve dated.  I’ll always love you, no matter what.”

 

Then Rick was kissing him, soft phantom kisses on his mouth.  He laid still, letting Rick lead him…teach him.  His body already knew how to react, he was hard and he felt ready to explode at any moment.  As if Rick had set him on fire.

 

Rick broke the kiss and laid his forehead against AJ’s. “I can’t.  You’re my brother.  My brother.  I held you when you were a day old, I pick you up off the ground when you fell of your bike and skinned your knee.  I let you cry on my shoulder when Dad died.”

 

“You loved me.” He was shaking, shaking from the kisses, from Rick’s hands, which were still stroking his sides.

 

“It’s too much, can’t you understand?  It’s too much pain, too much pleasure.  I can’t…oh God I can’t.  I feel like all my emotions have been stripped raw.”  Rick pressed his mouth against his throat.

 

And then it was too much because the lips were soft and gentle and Rick’s hands were still on him.  His body exploded and in that moment he knew that sometimes pleasure and pain went together but that it was all right.  Because—because the pain would fade and the pleasure never would.  The pleasure was all wrapped up in love and he could never stop loving Rick.

 

He expected Rick to pull away, like on the beach, but instead he held AJ closer.  Rick stroked his back, whispering that it was all right, that it wasn’t his fault, and it was all right.  And then:

 

“I’m sorry Mom, I’m so sorry,” Rick was crying. “I didn’t mean to.  I swear.”

 

“No, Rick, don’t cry.  Don’t, please.”

 

But Rick didn’t listen.  Rick never listened.

 

**********

 

When he woke up the next morning, Rick was next to him, stroking his face. “Hey Rick.”

 

“Hey.  How you feeling?”

 

He shrugged. “Okay I guess.”

 

“Ya hungry?  You didn’t have dinner last night.”

 

“Yeah.  I think we have cereal in the cupboard.”

 

Rick smiled. “I was thinking along the lines of eggs and bacon.  I can cook ya know?”

 

“Let you in the kitchen?  Mom’ll never forgive me.  Last time—” He stopped, a lump in his throat.  For one moment… “I forgot.” He turned to his brother. “I forgot.”

 

“You’re not the only one.  I woke up this morning and I wondered why Mom hadn’t gotten me up for breakfast.” Rick sighed. “It’s okay AJ, really, it is.  Now get clean up while I make us something to eat.”

 

AJ nodded. “All right.”

 

**********

 

Rick was sitting on the table drinking a cup of coffee when he came in the kitchen.  Aunt Edie was at the stove making pancakes.

 

“AJ, you’re down.  I was going to send Rick up to get you.” She smiled at him indulgently.

 

“When I came in Edie was already down here making breakfast.” There was amusement in his eyes.

 

AJ shook his head and sat down.

 

“I hope you’re hungry because I made a lot.” Edie put a stack of pancakes and a platter of sausages on the table.

 

“Starved.” He stared at the food and suddenly felt queasy.

 

Rick put a hand on his arm and squeezed gently.

 

He looked up at his brother and smiled reassuringly.  Then he began piling food on his plate.

 

Halfway through breakfast Uncle Bud came over to talk to Rick.

 

“Hey Ricky, AJ.  How are you boys doing?”

Rick answered for the both of them. “We’re doing okay Uncle Bud.  We appreciate you and Aunt Edie helping us.”

 

“I told you yesterday Rick, we’ll help as much as we can.  Both your mother and your father were good friends.”

 

“Well I know they felt the same way.” Rick speared a sausage and put it in his mouth.

 

“That’s why I’m here.  I want to help you make the arrangement for your mother.”

 

Rick blanched and swallowed hard. “I’ve been trying not to think about it.”

 

“You know you have to, don’t you?” Uncle Bud put a hand on Rick’s shoulder.

 

“I don’t know even know what to do.”

 

“Will you let us help?”

 

Rick nodded.

 

**********

 

The next day and a half AJ was gently but firmly shoved aside.  Each time he would ask Edie or Bud if he could help they would smile and tell him he was too young to worry about things like this.  When he asked Rick, his brother would shake his head and mumble how he didn’t even want to handle it.

 

So he stayed up in his room, listening to his records and looking through his old stamp collection.  He supposed it was better than going downstairs.  Old family friends and relatives were starting to stream in to offer their condolences.  If one more person asked how he was doing he was going to beat his head in with a rock.  What did they expect him to say?  His mother had died.

 

Rick wasn’t taking it any better.  AJ could see the tenseness in his body, the wild, cornered look in his eyes.  He wanted to run but he couldn’t.

 

And for that AJ was grateful.

 

**********

 

He kept to the corner of the room closest to the stairs in case he needed to make an escape.  He was hot, and tired, and his heart felt like it had been stomped on.  And more than anything he wanted to take off his suit, curl up in bed, and cry.

 

Rick came up to him, his eyes red from crying and exhaustion. “How you doing?”

 

He shrugged.  He hadn’t thought that he would cry during the funeral.  Then he had seen the coffin and knew that his mother was in that box, waiting to be lowered into the ground and…

 

“Why don’t you go upstairs and change.  Maybe relax.”

He shook his head.

 

“Come on Kid, you haven’t said a word all day.  Say something.”

 

He felt the tears burning in his eyes but he looked up at Rick anyway and said, very quietly, “I want my mom.”

 

Rick grabbed him and pulled him into a bear hug. “I know.  I want Mom too.”

 

**********

 

AJ lay in bed watching the hands of the clock.  He was in his mother’s bed tonight.  Mom’s sister Delores, her husband and their two sons were staying with them.  Billy and Warren were sleeping in his room while their parents were in the guest room.  Rick refused to allow them to stay in their mom’s room.

 

It was getting close to midnight and Rick still hadn’t come home.  He had left sometime around ten, promising Aunt Dee he wouldn’t be gone long.  AJ understood, Rick had reached his level of human contact and now he needed time to himself.

 

He sighed and closed his eyes.

 

Not much later, just as he was about to fall asleep he heard the door open.  There were several thumps and a curse.

 

AJ opened his eyes to the steady gaze of his brother.  There was something needy in Rick’s eyes, something terribly fragile and helpless.  AJ pulled back the covers and he crawled into bed.  Before he knew what was happening his brother was on top of him.

 

Rick’s hands slid under his clothes, stroking his skin frantically, his mouth devouring AJ’s, sucking and nipping.  AJ could taste the desperation and whiskey in his brother’s mouth.  He moaned, holding himself still, letting Rick ride out his pain in pleasure.

 

His pleasure…their pleasure.

 

Because Rick’s touch probably was as intoxicating as the whiskey.  Of course, love could do that.  He remembered those mornings his mom and dad would come out of their room, their eyes only for each other.  He remembered their laughter, the joy they shared with him and Rick.  AJ hadn’t understood it before, but he did now.

 

Rick moved against him, his breath coming in hiccups, his touch rougher than it might have normally been.  Of course, Rick was always careless when he was drunk.

He thrust up, hands grasping Rick’s hips.  Rick gave a half-choked laugh and grasped his penis.

 

AJ would have screamed as he came but his brother kissed him hard.

 

Then Rick collapsed against him and began sobbing hysterically.

 

It took AJ a moment to realize it; his mind was still trying to deal with the orgasm.  When he could finally think, he wrapped his arms around Rick. “It’s all right.  Shhh, I know.  It’ll be all right.”

 

He wanted to cry himself but he knew that if he did Rick would think it was because he was hurt or ashamed at what they had done.  He only wanted to share in his brother’s grief.  So he waited and held him.

 

Eventually, Rick cried himself into an exhausted unconsciousness.  AJ lay in bed listening to the even sound of his brother’s breath, feeling it, moist and warm against his shoulder.  Rick sighed in his sleep and nuzzled his shoulder.  AJ smiled, knowing this was where he belonged.

 

He kissed the top of Rick’s head.  Then, and only then, did he release the tears.

 

**********

 

“C’mon AJ, one more game,” Warren asked.

 

AJ shook his head and tossed them the basketball. “Maybe later.  Right now I need something to drink.”

 

Ignoring the gibes from both Warren and Billy that he was getting old, he went inside.  He made his way through the house and was just about to walk into the kitchen when he heard Rick say very loudly, no.

 

AJ stopped and situated himself just outside the door.  Aunt Dee, Uncle Henry and Rick were sitting at the table, having what looked like a very serious conversation.

 

“Will you please just listen Rick,” Aunt Dee said. “I know want him near you but you have to do what’s right for him.”

 

Rick looked down at the table, his mouth a tight line.

 

“Rick, I know Florida’s a long way off, but you can see him for Christmas and summer.  We have an acre of land, the best schools and Warren and Billy love him to death.” Aunt Dee put a hand on his arm. “We can give him what he needs.”

 

AJ bit his lip and shook his head.  No, no, he couldn’t go with them.  How could they think…how could they even ask?

 

“There are good schools here,” Rick replied. “And this is his home.  It’s the only place he’s ever called home.  All his friends are here.  He’s my brother, I can’t just hand him off.”

 

Uncle Henry shook his head. “Let me be frank with you Rick, that’s one of the reasons Dee and I think it might be best if AJ comes to live with us.  Rick you are and always have been a troublemaker.  How many times have you been in jail now?”

 

“Rick,” Aunt Dee interrupted, “what Henry’s trying to say is, that you’re only twenty and taking care of a teenager is hard work.  You’re young; you have so much to do yet, so much to see.  Bringing up AJ, it’ll stop you from living the kind of life you want to.  I—”

 

“Oh stop coddling the boy Dee.” Uncle Henry turned to Rick. “You’re irresponsible, brash and hot tempered.  Once you hit eighteen you were out that door.  Do you know how that made your mother feel?  How do we know you won’t do the same thing once you have AJ?  You’re not the type of person who should be bringing up a young boy.”

 

Rick nodded his head. “You’re right, I have been irresponsible.  I’ve gotten into fights, been in jail, done things I shouldn’t have.  But AJ is my brother; he’s the only family I have now.  He’s the only thing that matters now.  He’s the only thing I have in this world and you aren’t going to take him away from me.”

 

“Rick—”

 

“I’m not finished.” He stood up. “How dare you come in here and insult me.  I may not be the greatest of men but I would never do anything to hurt my brother.  As for how my mother felt when I left, well that ain’t none of your damn business.  That was between her and me.  So why don’t you do yourselves a favor and get the hell out of my house because let me tell you, you aren’t taking AJ anywhere.”

 

AJ wanted to laugh, instead he casually walked through the door. “Hi everybody.  What’s going on?”

 

Rick looked at him, and AJ knew that he wasn’t at all fooled by the act. “They’re leaving.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Aunt Dee looked at him. “We want you to come with us to Florida.”

 

“Thank you but I’d rather stay.  I don’t feel much like visiting right now.” He stood near Rick and put an arm around his shoulders.

 

“Not for a visit, to live with us.”

 

“Why would I want that?  This is my home.”

 

Aunt Dee reached out a hand. “Florida could be your home.”

 

AJ shook his head. “You don’t understand.  Mom cooked on that stove.  When I was a baby she used to sit me on the floor and let me play with the pots and pans.  Out there, where your sons are playing, is where Dad put up a basketball net.  I used to play cowboys and Indians with Rick in the living room.  This is my home.  This is where all my memories are.  I could never have another home like this.”

 

Rick smiled. “I think you should leave now.”

 

Uncle Henry grabbed his wife by the arm. “Come on Dee, let’s go.”

 

They both watched as he led his sputtering wife out the door.

 

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