Lapis Lazuli Eyes—
By Zenia
He watched AJ with a singular intensity. The boy was curled up on his bed, bare feet dangling. AJ wore a t-shirt and faded jeans that fit snug against his thighs and…Rick swallowed hard and closed his eyes against the image. He tried thinking of something else.
One of the first memories he remembered having of AJ was of his eyes, clear blue, staring up at him from a baby’s face. Blue eyes meeting blue eyes, something clicked inside of him. He had found something he had been missing, true love. Looking into those eyes he had known that he would do anything for that baby. Anything.
He opened his eyes and once again looked at his brother.
Time had complicated things, added new dimesions to his love. One day Rick had looked into that face and couldn’t see the baby anymore. He saw what? Not a man. Not a child. He didn’t know what but the thoughts were frightening because he wanted to kiss AJ, touch AJ, make love to AJ. And he couldn’t, wouldn’t, because AJ had only been thirteen. Thirteen, and how sick was that? How perverse? From protectiveness grew jealousy, from the love, desire.
And now, he had touched that body, kissed that mouth. It was worse than any drug he might take. It didn’t matter that AJ was fifteen now because regardless of what Rick had done at that age, AJ was still a kid. Innocent.
He must have made some noise because AJ turned back and looked him. Looked at him with those blue eyes.
Rick walked over to the bed and AJ rolled onto his back. He straddled his brother’s thighs.
AJ opened his mouth to speak but Rick shook his head. Then he touched his brother’s cheek with a finger, tracing softly the line of his jaw.
He wanted to say, I love you, I need you, I want you, but the words were stuck in his throat.
Instead he grabbed AJ by the chin. “What do you want from me?”
“Nothing.” AJ looked confused. Innocent.
Rick had never been that innocent. “Do you want me to fuck you?”
AJ flinched at the word and shook his head.
Rick grabbed his upper arms. “Can’t even stand the word can you? I bet you can’t even say it.” He shook him a little. “Say it. Say I want you to fuck me Rick.”
“No.”
He shook him harder. “Say it. Fuck. Say it! Say, fuck.”
“No,” AJ said softly.
It made him feel better to know that his touched hadn’t tainted him. Hadn’t…changed him somehow.
“Jesus, you’re a fucking baby.” He laughed harshly. “How many girls have you kissed AJ? Huh, how many? And Mom doesn’t count.”
He flinched. “Two.”
“You a virgin?”
He pressed his lips together and looked up at the ceiling.
“What do you want AJ?” He’d promise him the world if he could.
“You.”
“You have me. You don’t need this to have me.” Rick touched between AJ’s legs very gently.
“I know.”
“Then why?”
“Because I love you.” He bit his bottom lip.
“You don’t know what love is.” So young. Too young.
“I would die for you. I would kill for you.”
Rick laughed. “That ain’t love, that’s obsession.”
AJ stared up at him defiantly. “If you died tomorrow, I’d live for you.”
He couldn’t know, AJ couldn’t know. “When I was your age I
had kissed more girls than I could count.
I wasn’t a virgin.”
He put his hands on Rick’s thighs. “You think
that matters? It doesn’t
matter. How many of those girls
that you kissed, that you…slept with, did you love? How many? I’ve loved you all my life, since as far
back as I can remember. Why won’t
you believe me? I know you feel the
same way.”
“I’m not good for you AJ. I—”
“What, you’re selfish, greedy? What? I’ve seen you when you’re angry, sad, and jealous. I’ve seen you laugh and act silly. So what are you going to tell me Rick, that I don’t already know?”
“I’m your brother,” he hissed through clenched teeth.
“I know and I don’t care.” AJ grabbed the front of Rick’s shirt and tugged. “Now will you just shut up and kiss me.”
“AJ—”
“No matter what you do, what you say, it won’t change anything. You want me to say it, fine. Fu—”
Rick leaned down and kissed him.
AJ kissed back and hand reaching down to unbuckle his belt.
He pulled away. “No. No. Not this time AJ. Never.”
“I’ll wait forever if I have to.”
Rick stood up. “Never.”
“Never’s a long time.”
He knew that, maybe better than AJ ever would.
