"Tsk, tsk," Bulldog scolded as he slapped Van’s cheek hard. "Can’t have ya passing out on me again, now can I, Vanessa?"

Van blinked, trying to clear the water from his eyes. The gag in his mouth prevented him from speaking which was probably for the best. His mouth would only get him in trouble right now as he hung from the ceiling in Bulldog's playroom.

"I don’t know why your old Master didn't keep you in a gag all the time," Bulldog said as he plucked at the strap of the gag. "The look of panic in your eyes was worth it, but keeping you shut up is ever better. That pretty little mouth shouldn’t be used for talking."

Van started to tremble as Bulldog ran his hands over his body. His back was on fire from where the man had lashed him and the rest of him was covered in bruises. Van was at the point now that he'd gladly suck the maniac off just to get the gag out of his mouth.

"Now that you’re all nice n’ wet," Bulldog began as he savagely twisted Van’s nipples, "I think we should play with the electricity again."

Van shook his head back and forth frantically. He begged Bulldog with his eyes but the man only laughed. He didn't know what was being used on him but it felt like being hit with a sledgehammer every time they touched him with it. And now he was soaking wet.

Bulldog walked over and selected an electrode from a nearby table. He let it dangle in front of Van’s face and then fastening it and a twin to Van’s nipples. "You’re gonna dance so pretty for me soon."

Van tried futilely to beg through the gag. He knew what was coming and there was nothing he could do to stop it. The hum of the power source coming to life was the only warning he got before electricity slammed through his body causing his back to arch painfully as he screamed into the gag.

Bulldog pushed the button and laughed with delight as Van’s muscles tensed and his back arched. He watched the voltage meter and shut it off short of sending the other man into unconsciousness again. "Dance, little pretty, dance," he called out as Van hung there twitching.

Van hung by his arms, panting around the gag as his body continued to jerk and twitch even after the electricity had stopped running through it. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest and wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. The worst part was, there was nothing he could do. There was nothing he could offer that would make one bit of difference to the man torturing him. All he wanted was to watch Van suffer.

"I got something real special for you now," Bulldog laughed menacingly. "You know Franklin cut off one of my balls because you’re Master ratted me out? I just had some fun with that new whore and he cut off my fucking ball! Oh yeah, I got something real special for you…"

<><><><><><>

Deaq and Billie both raced for the phone as it began to ring, praying it was Van. He'd only been missing for a day but that was more than enough time for him to wind up dead. Deaq had scoured the city, shaking down every informant he could find and there was still no sign of his partner. He even had Aquarius running around town trying to get a line on the missing man.

"May I please speak with Mr. Deaqon Hayes?" A female voice asked on the other end of the line.

"It's for you," Billie said as she thrust the phone at Deaq. She had a bad feeling about this. The kind of feeling cops got when they knew one of their own had been hurt. Or worse.

"Hayes here," Deaq answered in a tense voice.

"Mr. Hayes, Mr. Deaqon Hayes?"

"Yeah, yeah, get on with it."

"Mr. Hayes this is Susan Reeves from L.A. General. We have a male victim brought in… he won’t tell us his name. He’ll only give us your name and number."

Deaq knew it was Van. He closed his eyes for a moment, gripping the phone tightly. "How bad is he hurt?" he asked the woman on the other end of the phone.

"I don’t think I’d like to repeat the extent of his injuries over the phone," Nurse Reeves said carefully. "But you should get here as soon as possible. The patient is quite agitated. And could you at least tell us his name?"

"Van," Deaq said. "His name's Van. Tell him I'll be there in ten minutes." Deaq hung up the phone and grabbed Billie's arm. He ran for the nearest car, pushing her inside roughly and gunning the engine. He kept telling himself that at least Van was alive.

They got there in exactly eight minutes and forty-three seconds. Deaq ran three red lights and broke the speed limit the entire way there. But it still wasn’t fast enough for him. He screeched to a halt in front of the hospital and didn’t care that he was parked illegally. He ran into the emergency room and stopped only when he got to the admitting desk.

"Where is he?" he demanded.

"Sir, calm down," the duty nurse said, standing up to place a hand on Deaq's arm. "Tell me who you're looking for and I'll help you find them."

"Van. Van Ray. My partner. He’s about as tall as me. White. Green eyes. Brown hair. Someone called and said he was here," Deaq said. "I need to see him. Now!"

"Okay, you must be Mr. Hayes," the nurse said then looked to Billie. "Are you together?"

"Together, yeah, yeah," Deaq nodded.

"Mrs. Hayes?" the nurse turned to Billie. "Maybe you could calm your husband down?"

Billie nearly swallowed her tongue. "He's not my husband," she explained. "We work together. Van and Deaq both work for me. Could you please take us to see him now? I think Deaq will calm down once he knows his partner's okay."

"Partner?" the nurse faltered, she didn’t see any badges and they didn’t seem like the cops who came in here on a daily basis. "Oh, I’m sorry. If you follow me, please. I should have known. He was so distraught and kept calling out your name. Even though life partners aren’t technically family members, we make exceptions is such extreme cases as this."

They didn't bother to correct the nurse this time, not wanting to take a chance on her barring them from seeing Van. Deaq told himself he was prepared for the worst but the sight that greeted them when they entered the exam room nearly brought him to his knees. Van had obviously been worked over. There were cuts and bruises all over his face and chest. His wrists were bandaged but Deaq could guess at the damage underneath.

The nurse stopped Deaq before he could get any closer. "Can I talk with you privately, Mr. Hayes, now that you’ve seen that your lover is safe? It’s important."

Deaq looked at Billie and she nodded. "I'll stay with him," she assured him, her hand coming to rest on the butt of the gun she wore under her jacket.

The nurse pulled Deaq far enough away that Van wouldn’t hear them. "Your lover has been attacked, Mr. Hayes. Severely."

"Attacked? Attacked how?" Deaq asked, fear freezing his blood. "What are you trying to tell me?"

"He was tortured," the nurse said. "When we tried to run a rape kit on him, he became so violent we had to restrain him."

"You restrained him?" Deaq said, raising his voice. "Is he still in restraints?" They just told him his Van had been brutally attacked and then they turn around and tie him down. Then the words *rape kit* sank in and Deaq found his legs suddenly unable to hold him up.

The nurse managed to push him into a nearby chair before he fell to the floor. "Yes, he’s still restrained and mildly sedated. It was for his own good."

"Take... take me to him," Deaq gasped out, pushing to his feet. "What's wrong with you people? You don't tie down a man that's just been... been raped."

"It’s worst than that," the nurse said quickly. "From the limited look we managed to get he was burned, too. They look like electrical burns."

"Take me to him," was all Deaq said. He had to see Van, had to hear his lover's voice. He was scared to death and more angry than he'd ever been in his life. The nurse quickly led him back into Van's room and he hurried to his partner's side.

Deaq reached out to caress Van’s forehead and wanted to cry when he saw Van flinch away. "Van, baby, it’s me."

"Deaq?" Van gasped, his eyes finally focusing on his partner. "Oh God... Please... please don't let him hurt me again..."

"I won’t let anyone hurt you anymore," Deaq promised as he cupped Van’s cheek. He reached out to hold his hand and realized he was strapped to the bed. "Get him out of these fucking things!"

"Sir, he's been very agitated," a young nurse said. "They're for his own good. We thought he might injure himself."

"Get them off now!" Deaq yelled and then immediately felt sorry when Van winced and pulled away from the loud noise. Deaq was at his side whispering and touching him. "I’m sorry, baby. Didn’t mean to frighten you. I won’t yell anymore. I promise."

"Deaq... I'm sorry... so sorry..." Van whimpered. "I tried to fight him. I didn't want him to touch me. Please don't hate me..."

"I don’t hate you… I love you," Deaq comforted him and tried to ignore the nurse as she removed the arm restraints. "Can you tell me who did this to you?"

"Promise me you won't go after him," Van said, clutching at Deaq in fear. "I can't lose you and he'll be waiting for you. He did... did this... to get back at you. I'm so sorry. Please, Deaq, you have to promise me."

"Sir, you’re upsetting him," the nurse admonished, getting worried herself. Although he looked innocent enough, that small man had given one orderly a black eye and another a broken nose in his struggles. "I’ll put the restraints back on…"

"You try it and they'll be treating you in this hospital," Billie said, making her presence known. "He promises, Van. Deaq won't go after whoever did this. Now just give us a name, Sweetie. Okay?"

"He left me locked up in a dog pound," Van murmured, his face buried against Deaq’s chest. "They found me like that. I was naked and he had another collar on me. It said bitch. He took my collar away, Deaq. My pretty collar… the one you gave me…"

"I'll get you another one, baby," Deaq promised, tears filling his eyes at what Van had been put through. "I'll let you pick it out and everything."

"He said he was sending you a message," Van continued to babble. "Now you’ll never want to touch me again."

"Well, I got a message for him. He's wrong," Deaq told him. "I don't care what he tried to do, he's not gonna break us. I won't let him."

"I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to fuck me again," Van admitted with a sob. "Not after… not after what he did…"

"Shhh... hush now, baby. We'll get through this. And even if there's some things you don't want to do anymore, we'll be okay. I promise, baby."

"Van," Billie said, hating to disturb the emotional scene but needing information. "Give me his name. I promise Deaq won't go anywhere near him. Just tell me who did this."

"It was Bulldog," Van whispered. "He said I was his bitch now. But I’m not. I’ll never belong to him."

"Mother fucker," Deaq swore. He locked eyes with Billie and saw her promise of retribution. No, Deaq wouldn't go anywhere near him. He wouldn't have to. Billie would take care of this one personally.

"Deaq?" Van whispered. "Maybe now that you’re here… I could get something for the pain? It hurts."

"Why the hell hasn't my partner been given anything for pain?" Deaq asked, his voice stayed quiet but the steel in it set both nurses jumping.

"Because he wouldn’t let us near him," the older nurse responded. "He took down two male orderlies when they tried to turn him over so we could exam his anal region."

"Ma'am, forgive me for being blunt, but if you'd just been raped would you want a couple of guys you didn't know pawing at you?" Deaq said, trying to calm his raging temper. "Now, as you can see, my partner here is calm so do you think someone could get him something to relieve his pain?"

"We need to do a rape kit," the older nurse said stubbornly. "And we can’t give him anything until we take his blood. It might contaminate any drugs already in his system."

"Van, you need to let them get a blood sample before they can give you any painkillers. Okay?" Deaq asked.

"For you… okay," Van said quietly. He was tiered of fighting. And now that Deaq was here, he could finally relax.

"Have the nurse come over and draw blood," Deaq said. He moved around the side of the bed until he was out of the way. He kept his hand on Van's shoulder, offering what physical comfort he could. It made him sick inside to think about what had been done to his lover. The knowledge that he was the one to blame was a weight on his chest that refused to let up.

"I think, maybe… they should have a look at me," Van hedged after the blood sample was taken. "But they don’t need to do a rape kit… cause there’ll be no DNA."

"Did your assailant use a condom, Mr. Ray?" a young woman asked, stepping into the room. She was quite obviously a doctor and her eyes held only compassion for Van.

"No… n-no… he couldn’t get it up anymore," Van stuttered, grasping hard onto Deaq’s hand. "Franklin cut off one of his balls… so… he used some sort of metal butt plug attached to the electrocution machine."

"Jesus!" Deaq gasped, tightening his grip on Van. "The doc definitely needs to check you out, baby. She won't do a rape kit but she's gonna have to check you down there. You think you're up to that?"

"I just want the pain to go away," Van whimpered.

"It will," Deaq promised. He turned hopeful eyes on the doctor. "You can give him something for the pain, right?"

"Yes, I can do that," she answered. "Mr. Ray, I’m going to give you something to relax you. In fact, it might put you to sleep. Would you like that? When you wake up, you could go home."

"Deaq won't have to leave will he?" Van asked. He felt tears welling up in his eyes and tried not to cry. He was a grown man. Grown men didn't cry.

The doctor smiled at Van and decided to screw procedure. "Of course not, he’s family, isn’t he?"

"Yes," Deaq answered quickly. "I'm his partner."

"See, Mr. Ray, he loves you very much and I wouldn’t make him go away," she said in a soothing tone as she prepared the hypodermic. "When you wake up, the exam will be all over. You’ll have to talk to the police, but your lover can stay with you then if they let him."

Van's short bark of laughter startled them all. He was close to being hysterical again and turned pleading eyes to Deaq. Billie intervened this time. "We are the police," she told the doctor. "Van and Deaq are officers under my command."

"Oh… OH! I’m very sorry," the doctor said hastily. "Very sorry, I just assumed… but never mind. Is there someone else… a girlfriend… or a wife you’d like us to call?"

"You didn't assume wrong, Doctor," Billie said, using her best Lieutenant's voice. "Van and Deaq are partners in everything. I would appreciate it, however, if that fact could remain confidential."

"Of course," the doctor coughed and put on her professional face. "Doctor’s confidentiality. Now why don’t we get Mr. Ray comfortable and settled?"

Deaq kept his grip on Van's hand but moved as far out of the way as he could. The doctor and the two nurses quickly manoeuvred the semi-conscious man until he was in position. He doctor made sure to keep him covered with a sheet then asked the nurses to leave the room. She thought everyone would be more comfortable with a few less people around.

Van’s eyelids were already starting to droop as the sedative kicked in, but he still managed to squeeze Deaq’s hand as the exam started. "It hurt like nothin’ else ever did," he said, his voice starting to slur.

"I'm sorry," Deaq whispered. "I never thought he'd come after you. I'm so sorry, baby."

"Not your fault." Van smiled at Deaq. "Thinking of you… kept me sane."

"I love you," Deaq whispered. He bent down and rested his forehead against Van's. He wanted to hit something, to scream that it wasn't fair. No one should have to endure something like this but certainly not someone as special as his Van. If Billie didn't find Bulldog and kill him, Deaq knew he would.

"Sentimentalist," Van whispered and managed to move enough to kiss Deaq lightly on the lips.

Deaq felt tears flood his eyes as Van comforted him. He hadn't wanted to cry in front of his lover but he wasn't able to hold them back. He'd come closer to losing Van than he ever had before and it scared him.

"It’s okay, Deaq," Van kissed Deaq’s tears away. "I didn’t leave you… and give me a few weeks and I’ll be as good as new. Especially if you don’t mind extra crispy Van."

"Oh God..." Deaq gasped. He hugged Van as best he could from the awkward position. "It should have been me. Fuck! Why couldn't it have been me?"

"Cause when he offered me the choice, I wouldn’t let him," Van smiled goofily at Deaq and patted his cheek. His voice was starting to slur more and his eyes were barely open. "Whatever sorta freaky juice the Doc gave… it’s workin’ I think."

Deaq watched as Van's eyes closed and his breathing evened out. He looked up helplessly at Billie as tears continued to run down his face. They'd given him a choice. And Van had chosen to endure Bulldog's torture rather than see Deaq hurt. He felt his legs start to give out and Deaq crumpled to the floor.

Billie was at his side in an instant, wrapping her arms around the crushed man. She’d seen the terrible misery and guilt he felt written across his face. She wouldn’t say it was going to be all right. She wouldn’t make such shallow affirmations. "He’s alive, Deaq. He’s alive," she whispered fiercely.

"He should have let Bulldog have me," Deaq whispered, clutching onto Billie. "It was my fault. I'm the one that told Franklin. Van wasn't even in the room."

"You wouldn’t have done anything differently than you did," Billie said. "He’d take a bullet for you or let himself be tortured. He loves you that much. And it wasn’t your fault. I won’t let you tear yourself up like this when there’s a perfectly good asshole out there to blame."

"You find him, Billie," Deaq said fiercely. "I can't leave Van right now so it's up to you. You find him, girl, and you make him wish he'd never laid eyes on Van."

"I promise," Billie said with a very dangerous look on her face. "No one hurts one of my men like this. Now you stick by Van. You need to be strong for him, but when you need someone to be strong for you, call me. Got it?"

"Yeah," Deaq said, getting a grip on himself and letting Billie help him to his feet. "Just... don't go far. I think I'm gonna need you close."

Billie clasped him on the shoulder and they both stood there holding a silent vigil over Van. "He’s stronger than he looks," Billie noted quietly as they finished the exam up and completed treating his wounds.

"We can keep him here overnight for observation if you'd like," the doctor offered. "I know this can be quite a traumatic time for everyone involved. Sometimes it helps to have medical staff nearby to tend to any medical needs. And to give the families time to adjust."

"No," Deaq said firmly. These were the same people who’d restrained Van. "No, he comes home with me."

"Very well," the doctor said. "The sedative should wear off in a couple of hours. You can take him home then. I've got some antibiotics I want him to take and there's an ointment that will need to be applied to his rectum for the next three days. I saw no semen present, as Mr. Ray said, but there was some significant tearing. He'll need to be on soft foods for the next few days until he's had a chance to heal up. I can also give you the name of a good psychologist, if you'd like."

"He doesn’t like quacks," Deaq noted absently, his eyes still locked on Van. "Considering what he’s been through he seemed… better than I expected."

"Yes, he did seem a bit more... together... than most assault victims. Especially ones that have been as severely abused as he was. I suspect a good deal of that has to do with your presence," the doctor said. "You've done a good job of showing him this doesn't change him in your eyes. That helps. Don't expect this to last forever, though. He will go through some rather radical mood swings. This time tomorrow he could just as easily be throwing things at you."

"He’s done that before," Deaq said, smiling at the fond memory. There was nothing more beautiful than Van in a snit. "He’ll be fine. I’ll give him everything he could possibly need."

"Well, if you need anything, don't hesitate to call me. And if he starts running a fever, get him in here right away. As I said, there's been some pretty extensive tearing and I'm concerned about possible infection."

"Stitches?"

"It took ten to close him up inside," the doctor replied. "A few of the cuts on his back required them as well but we were able to do that before you arrived. All together it took twenty-three. I've included some care instructions, including when he needs to come in to have the ones on his back removed. The internal ones will dissolve on their own."

"Can I ask a confidential question, Doctor?" Deaq hedged.

"Yes, Mr. Hayes, you can ask anything you like," she smiled. "Mr. Ray has you listed as his next of kin. I'm free to share any aspect of his condition with you."

"Will he…" Deaq had to stop and take a deep breath. "Will he ever be able to have… sex that way again?"

She sighed. "That will be up to him. It's not a matter of physically will he be able to because the answer to that is yes. The damage was extensive but not irreparable. The damage to his psyche, however..."

"I know," Deaq said quickly. "I know about rape victims. I just… needed to know. Sometimes when he gets needy…" Deaq stopped himself before he revealed something too personal.

"May I ask a personal question now, Mr. Hayes?" the doctor asked.

"Maybe, don’t mean I’ll answer it."

"Is Mr. Ray normally the bottom in your relationship?" she asked bluntly.

"Why?" Deaq croaked, looking guilty.

"If he is, you might need to prepare yourself for a shift in your relationship dynamic," she explained. "I can see that your partner is a very strong man. It is my sincere hope that he is able to put this behind him and resume his life as it was prior to the attack. However, the reality of the situation is that he may *never* be able to do that. You need to be prepared for that. And you need to ask yourself how much you are willing to change to accommodate him."

"I’d stay by his side if he never wanted to have sex again," Deaq huffed. He knew they’d adjust, even if it was going to take time. He didn’t think they’d be able to play games anymore, but Deaq was sure some day Van would want some sort of sexual contact. The man needed it. Hell, Van was so touchy-feely sometimes he used it as a form of communication.

"That's good to hear," the doctor replied. She admired the devotion this man showed for his partner. "Not all gay men have this kind of support. He's going to need his friends and family very much if he's going to get through this."

"We’re not gay," Deaq said quickly. "Maybe I should call his father?"

"Mr. Hayes, may I make a recommendation?" the doctor asked. "Don't deny him. Don't deny what you have in order to conform. That would be the worst possible message you could send to him right now. Don't worry about your position. No one will be privy to this conversation. What we've discussed here stays between us."

"Things are… complicated between us," Deaq sighed, rubbing his hand over his hair. "Very complicated."

"I see," she sighed. "Just remember, his emotional state is going to be fragile for awhile. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have other patients I need to attend to. If you need anything just ring for one of the nurses. He should be waking up soon and you can take him home then."

Deaq sat down beside Van’s cot and held his hand as the other man slept. He had a lot to think about. He knew he’d promised Van that he’d buy him another collar, but wasn’t that wrong to subject Van to the memories submissive games would bring up? He’d never hit Van, but sometimes they both got carried away. Add that to both Van’s history with Dre and the attack, and you ended up with a ticking time bomb.

"We'll get through this," Billie said as she sat down beside him. "Van's strong and he loves you. You just have to trust in that." She knew her words were falling on deaf ears at the moment. She didn't blame Deaq, though. She knew the real blame lay with Bulldog... and herself. If she'd never sent them there... if she'd never revealed Van's past... none of this would have happened. She wondered how long it would be before her men realized that she was as much to blame for this as Bulldog.

"I won’t work with anyone else," Deaq finally said when he chose to acknowledge Billie.

"I would never ask that of you," Billie said quickly. "I can put you on compassionate leave until Van's able to come back. He doesn't have any real family here so there shouldn't be a problem. Deaq... I am so sorry. I never meant for anything like this to happen."

"I want to say it's part of the job," Deaq offered. "But no, this isn’t part of the job. No one should have to suffer like he did."

"No, they shouldn't. And you're right, this isn't part of the job. This is personal," she said. "I wish to God I'd never sent you after Franklin. If I'd just listened to him none of this would have happened."

"If it hadn’t have been me," Deaq said. "It would have been someone else. He was a walking victim and I think we both took advantage of him."

"What do you mean?" she asked, not sure what Deaq was getting at. She knew she was guilty of taking advantage of Van but she couldn't see how Deaq was.

"Before me there was Dre."

"I still don't follow you. I know he and Dre were more than partners. Dre's the one who trained him. But what's that got to do with you taking advantage of him?"

"Oh yeah," Deaq snorted softly. "Dre *trained* him alright. You know that, but do you know how much my brother fucked with his head? That he treated Van like a piece of fluff on the side?"

"What?" Billie said, shocked. "But Van always seemed so totally devoted to him."

"Van *was* totally devoted to him," Deaq said and brushed some hair off of Van’s forehead. "He gives so much. Loves unconditionally. But Dre took advantage of that trust."

"What did he do?" Billie asked.

"That’s private," Deaq said. Billie didn’t need to know *all* of their dirty secrets.

"Deaq, you have to believe me. I never would have sent him back into that life if I'd known he'd been abused. But just because Dre mistreated him doesn't mean you're taking advantage of him."

"We’ve all used him to get what we wanted," Deaq insisted. "Just in different ways."

"You ne-never used me," Van said weakly, startling Deaq and Billie both.

"Hey, baby," Deaq said, a smile crossing his face. "You’re awake."

"Have been for a little while," Van whispered. "I heard you and Billie talking."

Deaq kissed the back of Van’s palm and hoped to God the other man was doped up enough that he’d forget what he’d heard. "It didn’t mean nothin’."

"Yes, it did," Van argued. "You never used me. Unless... unless you never really meant all those things you said."

"Shush now," Deaq cooed, trying to calm Van. "I always meant it when I said I loved you and would never leave you."

"I'd understand if you changed your mind. Even if Bulldog didn't fuck me he still... touched me. Just say the word, Deaq, and I'll disappear. It can all just be a bad dream for you." Van felt tears filling his eyes as he offered his lover his freedom. He knew it was selfish of him to try and hold Deaq to him now. The man would never want to touch him after what Bulldog had done.

"Awww, Van… I. Love. You. I am not, I repeat. AM NOT leaving you. You’re *my* dream come true and it's never been a bad one."

"Then don't say you're using me," Van insisted. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Okay," Deaq agreed. He didn’t want to argue with Van right now. "Do you feel like going back to sleep or heading home?"

"Home," Van said. "I want to go home. But first, I want to talk to Billie."

"Alone?" Deaq asked, glancing back at Billie.

"Nah, you can stay if you want. I just... Billie... none of this was your fault," he said. "I don't blame you and neither does Deaq. Right, Deaq?"

"No," Deaq agreed. No, he didn’t blame Billie. He only blamed himself.

"And it's not your fault either," Van said. "The only ones to blame here are me and Bulldog. You guys didn't do anything wrong."

"You didn’t do anything wrong," Both Deaq and Billie repeated in unison.

"I let him grab me," Van said, turning his face away. "I let him do... do what he wanted. I let him take my co-collar."

"You didn’t let him do anything," Deaq tried to pacify Van. "What can I do to make you feel better, baby?"

"Tell me you love me?" Van offered weakly. He still felt shaky even though the sedative was wearing off fast. He ached all over and all he wanted to do was go home. He was worried about Deaq and Billie, though. He didn't want either one of them doing anything foolish because of his carelessness.

"I love you," Deaq said, leaning over and kissing Van on the lips softly. "I love you so fucking much it hurts."

"Forgive me," Van pleaded suddenly. "Please. I didn't mean to let him touch me. I swear, Deaq."

"I believe you," Deaq soothed. "What can I do to make that better? I can’t take his touch away, but I’ll do anything else you ask."

"Soon," Van replied cryptically. "I need to heal up some first. But can we go home now? I don't want to be here anymore."

"Yeah, we can go home," Deaq said. "Listen, I don’t have any of your cloths, but Billie brought in a bag of my gym clothes from the car. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, anything's fine," Van said. He tried not to grimace as Deaq helped him sit up. He felt a moment of panic when Billie stood up to leave and stopped her before she could reach the door. "Don't go!"

Billie snapped the unlit cigarette in her hand out of surprise. "What’s the matter, Van?"

"Don't go. Please," he pleaded, his breath coming in sharp pants.

"She’ll stay right here," Deaq said quickly. He wondered if Van couldn’t stand to be alone with him. Couldn’t stand to be alone with another man right now.

"Thanks," he whispered, relaxing a bit. "I just... he's out there, you know... and I don't want him finding you with me like this... with no one to back you up. I... I just..."

"Just want me around?" Billie finished for him. "Not a problem. I’ll just turn around so you can get dressed." She’d hang around for now to make Van feel safe. But sooner or later she was going to slip away and find that asshole that did this to him.

It's not like everyone hasn't seen it before," Van quipped, trying to keep things light. "I mean... I know I'm not much to look at right now with all the bruises and stuff..."

"You’re beautiful," Deaq said adamantly. "Always were, always will be."

"My back..." Van whispered. "I know some of that's gonna scar. I won't look like I used to. Guess I better get used to wearing shirts more often."

"You don’t like to where cloths, baby," Deaq said. "You don’t have to change that."

"I don't want you reminded of what he did every time you look at me." Van sat still as Deaq helped him into a pair of sweats then pulled a loose fitting t-shirt over his head. It pulled at the stitches on his back to raise his arms but he didn't want to walk out there without a shirt. He didn't want everyone who saw him to know what had been done to him. He didn't want to shame Deaq like that.

Only thing I’m reminded of when I look at you is how much I love you," Deaq said and smiled genuinely at Van. He recognized how insecure Van was and all he could do was try to reinforce his feelings for his lover.

Damn," Billie said, wiping at her eyes. If these two didn't stop she was going to end up crying her eyes out. She'd rather save that for tonight when she was alone and could cry to her heart's content. Right now she needed to be strong for her men.

"Don’t start that," Van said to Billie, with a hint of his old teasing. "We might mistake you for a chick or something."

"Ha ha," Billie said, grateful for the teasing. "We wouldn't want that to happen. I prefer it when my men think I just crawled out from under a rock."

"You didn’t?" Van asked in mock horror.

"Nope. I'll have you know I was biologically engineered. They grew me in a test tube. So don't expect all the normal mushy girl stuff."

"Better not," Van half laughed and even though it hurt to do so, it felt good. "You may look like a playboy bunny, but you have all the charm of a drill sergeant."

"Why thank you, Van," she smiled as she moved up beside him to help him off the bed. "And here I thought with Deaq around you hadn't noticed me."

"I noticed that you got a bigger set of balls than him," Van retorted automatically, wincing as he settled on to the floor.

"Easy," Deaq cautioned.

"Let me get a wheelchair and we'll wheel you out to the car, okay?" Billie asked. She knew Van wanted her to stay close but she didn't think he was up to the long walk out to the parking lot.

"A wheelchair? Jeez, I hate hospitals," Van complained.

"I'll be right back." Billie made sure Deaq had a good grip on Van then hurried out to the nurse's station to get a wheelchair.

"I want some applesauce," Van said when they were alone. "With cinnamon." He’d been a sub with for an overzealous Master long enough to develop a taste for soft foods when the need arose.

"We'll get you some," Deaq promised. "You want to go back to your place or mine? I've got more food at mine."

"Yours," Van said immediately. Deaq’s place was more comfortable. And hell, it screamed of Deaq and he needed that right now. He needed to smell Deaq on the pillow he slept on. He needed to eat meals at Deaq’s table and use Deaq’s soap to get clean.

"Was hoping you'd say that. I got a couple new DVD's we haven't seen yet. Been saving 'em for the next time you came over." The conversation stopped when Billie came back with the wheelchair. They helped Van into it as carefully as they could then Deaq was wheeling him toward the parking lot as Billie kept a close eye out.

"Did you buy The Fast and the Furious?" Van asked, glad to talk about the mundane things. "I can’t believe you didn’t see that until I *made* you. I’ve seen it like a dozen times by now."

"Yeah," Deaq said. "That and Resident Evil. You liked the damn game so much I thought you might like the movie, too."

"Cool," Van chirped and motioned towards the door. "Home, James."

"Do you two need anything after I drop you off?" Billie asked. She planned on getting them safely back to Deaq's then doing a little hunting. It was definitely payback time.

"You’re not staying with us?" Van asked quickly, his heart pounding. "I mean… to get some… to question me?"

Hey, easy," Deaq soothed. "Do you want Billie to stay with us? I mean, I can understand you not wanting to be all alone with another guy right now. It's okay if you do. Really."

"I said before I want to keep Billie safe," Van said quickly explained. "Near you."

"Van... " Billie started to protest but one glance from Deaq and she changed her mind. "Is there anything we need to pick up on the way to Deaq's?"

Van tipped his head back until he was staring upside down at Deaq. "A new collar?" he said barely above a whisper. "I was going to wait till later to ask… but I feel… naked with out it."

"You're not strong enough to pick that out right now," Deaq said, shaking his head. "Give it a few days then I'll take you out and get you whatever one you want. In the meantime, you can wear this." Deaq reached up and unhooked the chain from around his neck. He placed it around Van's, hoping it would pacify Van for the time being.

"Okay," Van nodded, fingering the metal that was still warm from Deaq’s body. "But I’ll hold you up to that promise."

<><><><><><>

They left the bedroom door slightly ajar so they could hear if Van started having a nightmare. As quietly as they could Deaq and Billie moved to the kitchen. As Billie sat down, Deaq pulled out two glasses and poured a generous amount of scotch in each. Sliding one toward Billie, he sat down across from her and took a large gulp of the amber liquid.

"Shit," he hissed as the liquor burned down his throat. "I know it doesn’t make it any better but maybe it will make my hands stop shaking or at least dull the pain."

Billie picked up her glass and took a long drink as well. "We could hope," she said. Her own hands were shaking and she felt like someone had reached inside her and ripped out her heart. She thought back to how she's pushed Van and Deaq into this. How she'd promised Van he'd never have to play this role again and how she'd blithely broken that promise. Now, because of that, the man might never recover from what had been done to him.

"We should finish this bottle," Deaq decided. "It’s the only one and we don’t want Van getting into it."

"Then we should probably pour it down the sink," Billie said. "The last thing he needs is to wake in the middle of the night and find the two of us drunk."

"Not drunk," Deaq said, looking at the half bottle. "I have more stamina than that and besides, I think he’s out for the night."

"As strung out as we both are, I don't think it'd take much," Billie replied as she reached for the bottle to refill her glass. She might talk a good game about dumping it down the sink but she needed it as much as Deaq did.

"Just a few more drinks," Deaq said, refilling his glass as well. "And then we’ll get rid of it."

An hour later the bottle was empty and they were both a bit tipsy. It hadn't dulled the pain as they'd hoped, though. Instead, it seemed to intensify it. Billie felt tears start to fill her eyes then run down her cheeks as she imagined how scared Van must have been. "Poor thing," she whispered. "Probably thought he was going to die. No matter what you guys say, this is my fault. I should never have pushed him back into this. God, what kind of monster am I?"

"You’re our boss," Deaq said hastily and when Billie gave him a wounded look, he continued. "Whoa… I didn’t mean it in a bad way. Sure, you’re our boss, but that doesn’t make you a monster. So you’re a little bitchy sometimes… that doesn’t make this *your* fault. It was *mine*."

"Yeah right," Billie said, wiping at her eyes to no avail. "You're not the one that humiliated him by putting him on his knees right there in my office. You're not the one that forced him back into this lifestyle after I swore to him he wouldn't have to do this ever again. He'd never have come to their attention if it wasn't for me. If I wasn't such a fucking bitch I would have seen what this could do to Van, but all I cared about was the case."

"It was a case about teenage boys… about kids," Deaq tried to soothe her. "Of course you’d be concerned about it. And you never touched Van like that after that day in the office."

"I should never have done it in the first place!" Billie argued, the tears flowing freely. "He... he was a victim and I used that against him." She put her head in her hands and began to sob. The alcohol, coupled with the emotional stress, was too much.

Deaq couldn’t watch a woman in pain and not comfort her. And despite all her bravado, Billie was acting like a woman now. What else could he do but move over and wrap her in his arms? "Hey, we can’t worry about our past mistake now."

"Wo-wo-would you sti-still be saying that if they'd ki-ki-killed him?" Billie sobbed. She wrapped her arms around Deaq and held on. It felt so good to have a man's arms around her. Especially a man she knew she could trust. She only prayed Deaq could find it in his heart to forgive her for all the pain she'd caused.

"I don’t think I’d be here if they’d killed him," Deaq admitted and tightened his grip. He would have tracked the bastards and killed them, making sure he died in the process. "But he’s not dead. He’s alive."

"Deaq..." Billie began, looking up at him. Her hand came up to touch his face. All the pain and guilt she felt was there for him to see as they looked at one another.

The tears in Billie’s blue eyes made them sparkle. Deaq had always been a sucker for blue eyes after being raised around only brown ones. Van had eyes that were sometimes green and sometimes blue. Deaq loved Van’s eyes and right now Billie’s reminded him of Van’s.

"Shhh... hush, baby girl," he whispered as he stroked her face. He leaned down, inhaling the scent of her hair deeply. He'd always loved the way a woman smelled, all fresh and clean, like springtime. Billie was no different. Their eyes still locked, Deaq leaned down a bit more and covered her quivering mouth with his own. It was all the forgiveness he had to give and he hoped it was enough for her.

He licked Billie’s lip gently and snaked his tongue into her mouth when she softly gasped. It had been months since he’d kissed a woman. He missed that soft kiss of skin with no hint of stubble.

Billie was shocked at first, but the combination of pain and fear and alcohol worked together to make her more than willing. She opened her mouth under Deaq's, moving her tongue against his as she clung to him tightly.

"Deaq, I know I promised I wouldn’t get up, but I heard someone crying…" Van babbled as he carefully manoeuvred his way around the corner of the kitchen, using the wall to support his weight. When he came around the corner he saw Deaq and Billie kissing passionately.

"Van... shit," Deaq said, letting go of Billie so fast he had to grab her to keep her from falling. "This... this isn't what you think, baby..."

"I… I heard you call her baby, too," Van mumbled as he started to stumble backwards. Something inside of Van snapped, screaming that he had pushed Deaq to this betrayal. "At least Dre wouldn’t mix me and his old lady in the same house…"

Deaq stepped away from Billie and took a cautious step toward Van. "Please, baby... let me explain. She... she was just upset. We both were. I didn't mean to kiss her. It just happened. Oh God, Van, I'm sorry. Please don't walk away from me."

Van backed away as Deaq approached. "I… I understand. I really do. After Dre got hurt bad a few times and couldn’t have me, he needed his woman. You need a woman. I’ll j-just go h-home…"

Unable to stand by and watch any longer, Billie stepped forward. She moved around Deaq so Van could see her. "I'll turn in my resignation first thing in the morning," she said. "I'll make sure Captain Parrish finds someone decent to work with the two of you. You have no idea how sorry I am about everything. I'll just go."

"Don’t," Van shook his head, his body pressed against the wall. "Don’t! I won’t let this break us up. I know how to share."

"Van, listen to me," Deaq said slowly. "There isn't going to be any sharing. There's nothing between me and Billie. Yeah, I kissed her but it didn't have anything to do with sex. It was just about two friends comforting each other and sharing their pain. Billie's not gonna quit and you're not gonna have to share me. Okay?"

"You don’t have to lie," Van smiled sadly at Deaq. "I liked having you to myself, but I knew it couldn’t last. I… I don’t mind that it’s Billie. In fact, it’s better that it’s her. I like Billie. She’ll treat you right and hopefully let you see me sometimes."

Not knowing how else to get through to Van right now Deaq walked up to him and slid slowly to his knees. "Van, I swear to God, it's not like that with me and Billie. I'm on my knees here, baby. Please, you gotta believe me."

"Deaq, get up… please," Van begged, feeling a panic attack come on. His Master wasn’t supposed to degrade himself like this. He didn’t want to argue with Deaq. Even if he did believe him that nothing more than a kiss had happened, it was hard to believe that it would stay that way for long. Why wouldn’t a man like Deaq want a woman like Billie?

"Deaq, get up," Billie said as she stepped forward to stand beside Van. "He's had as much as he can take for one night. We can talk about this in the morning when we've all had a little sleep. Come on, Van, let's get you back in bed."

"I won’t cause any more trouble," Van begged, his voice shaking. "I’m sorry."

"Shhh... hush now," Billie cooed. "Come on to bed. Deaq's tired and he needs some rest. You know he can't rest without you beside him anymore." She took his arm and began leading him back into the bedroom. She felt like she'd just run over somebody's kitten. She felt the alcohol try to come up and swallowed thickly to keep it down. She could puke later, right now her men came first.

"I could sleep on the couch," Van offered in a whisper to Billie. "If you want to be with Deaq tonight. He needs someone strong."

"What Deaq needs is his lover," Billie said. "And that's you. No arguments here, Van."

Van was nervously fingering the necklace Deaq had given him. It was so tempting to give in to what Billie offered. He wanted nothing more than to slip into sleep wrapped in Deaq’s arms and try to forget his nightmares. But Deaq had already put him to bed once alone and he had to think about Deaq’s needs. "Deaq needs to forget what happened to me," Van whispered again. "He… he gets too guilty. I usually find that sex works… but I can’t give him that right now. Maybe you could?"

"Van, there is nothing I wouldn't do for you right now. Do you hear me? Nothing. But I am not going to sleep with Deaq. What he needs, is you. Look at him. He needs to wrap his arms around you and hold you until it finally sinks in that he didn't lose you. We came so close today." She sat Van down on the bed and helped him out of the robe he'd managed to put on. Pulling back the blankets, she eased him down then covered him up. She glanced up at Deaq and saw her own guilt mirrored in his eyes.

"Right, sorry," Van nodded. He should have remembered that he was supposed to do what he was told. It didn’t matter what he wanted… what mattered was what the others wanted. If Billie wasn’t willing to take care of Deaq that way, than he would have to.

Billie turned worried eyes to Deaq but he shook his head. He wasn't sure what was going through Van's head but it wasn't good. He slid into bed beside his lover and pulled an unresisting Van into his arms. He had been worried about being even this intimate so soon but Van didn't seem to mind. "Billie, why don't you stay over," Deaq suggested, remembering what Van had said about wanting her nearby. "The couch ain't much but it's comfortable."

"Yeah, sure," Billie nodded without argument and stumbled out of the bedroom. She plopped down on the couch feeling far too sober and set her gun on her lap. She’d just kissed the lover of a rape victim and both of them her subordinates. She really should hand in her resignation. If she wasn't worried about what it would do to Van she would. She'd toyed with these men's lives and one of them had paid the price. Then, to top it off, she does the one thing sure to undermine whatever chance at recovery Van had. Shaking her head, she stretched out on the couch and let sleep take her away for a little while.

Van laid submissively in Deaq’s arms until he stopped hearing Billie moving around in the living room. He shifted his body and moved his hand over Deaq’s groin, starting to massage it while kissing his neck.

Deaq stiffened and stared wide-eyed at Van. "Baby, what are you doing?" he asked carefully. He knew the wrong words could shatter Van and he'd caused his lover enough pain already.

Van winced when he heard Deaq call him baby. He loved that pet name, but he’d thought it was one Deaq had especially for him. But then he’d heard him call Billie that. "Trying to relax you," Van offered, squeezing Deaq’s cock the way he knew the man loved. "Make you forget."

"You don't have to do that," Deaq said. "Besides, I don't think there's anything that would make me forget seeing you beaten and bruised and knowin' it was my fault. I love you so much, baby. I was so scared I'd lost you for good. Please, don't ever leave me."

Van pulled his hand away like it was burned. Of course Deaq didn’t want him touching him. He was dirty. Used goods now. Even Deaq had said he’d never forget what had happened to Van. But at least he wanted to keep Van around out of, what Van assumed, was pity. It made sense now why he’d been cultivating that relationship with Billie. "I’ll never leave you, Deaq, no matter what. I promise."

"Van, look at me," Deaq said, turning Van's face so they were eye to eye. "It ain't disgust. I love you and I still want you. But I'm pretty strung out tonight. I just want to lay here and hold you like Billie said. Damn, baby, I tried so hard not to cry in front of you..." Deaq couldn't stop the tears from falling once more. He hated burdening Van with his pain but he hurt so much inside he couldn't hold it all in.

Van moved until Deaq’s head was resting on his chest. He caressed Deaq’s hair and tried to comfort him. "It must have been hard on you. Cry all you want."

Deaq began to sob. Strangled sounds tore their way out of his throat as he let go. He clutched Van tightly, terrified that if he let go the man would disappear again. He knew that if he lost Van again, he'd never get him back. "Sorry... love you so much... so damn scared... don't leave me... don't ever leave me..."

Van rocked Deaq back and forth. Tears began to pour from his own eyes as he kept repeating, "I won’t ever leave you. I love you."

END