No Rating - I leave that up to PEJA

Spoilers - well yeah, for the first season.

Archive - if you want. Just let me know where.

I must be out of my smegging mind. How do I end up in these situations!?!

Not only am I dead, but I'm also trapped on ship piloted by a senile computer with the I.Q. of a potato fry-up. Not to mention a mutated, vain, insane of a lifeform descended from a cat named Frankenstein. And to top it all off, the only reason that I'm even around is that Holly the nutter decided Lister needed me.

Bloody Hell!!! The only thing Listy ever needed was a lager and a vindaloo.

Stupid computer!! It should be Kochanski or Peterson. Some one who was Lister's friend. I never was. I was never anyone's friend. And I never wanted to be. Except...

Lister. I wanted to be Lister's friend. I put up with his filth, his booze, his smegging stupid carbuncle of a cat, and his half naked zero-g kickboxing poster girls. And I hated those posters. And I hated it when he mooned over Krissy. But I never went after him about any of it. I never told about the cat.

I cleaned the room when it was time for inspection. I didn't tear down those sodding posters. And I didn't go to Kohanski and tell her. Tell her that her little fling with Listy meant alot more to him than it did to her. I didn't give her that ammunition. I never...

Damn!!! Fool!! Damn stupid bloody smeg headed sodding fool!!! He is not your friend!! He was never your friend! It doesn't matter what you did for him! He never noticed then and he isn't going to notice now. You don't have any friends and you never will!!! It doesn't matter how much you want Lister to be your friend! It doesn't matter that you want him to be happy to see you! It doesn't matter that you want him to stay up all night talking to you like he did with Peterson. It doesn't matter that you want him to put his arm around you like he did with kochanski. It doesn't matter what you want...

How do I get myself into these situations? SMEG!!!!