By PEJA

Fandom: the Sentinel

Pairing: Jim/Blair

Rating: R

Summary: Blair has had all he can take.

WARNING: this one comes close to being a rape situation, so if that tweaks you, don't go there.

Disclaimer: I do not own Jim and Blair. That pleasure belongs to Petfly, but I still like to take them out and put them through their paces from time to time. Enjoy the antics in this SEN 2 what might be. NEW BEGINNINGS

By PEJA

Muted bleeping, elusive, yet familiar, teased Blair Sandburg from the safe, dark cocoon where he'd retreated. The swirling fog sheltering his sanity shifted and, as his senses kicked in, the biting scent of antiseptic stung his nose.

Industrial strength antiseptic.

He was definitely not in the loft.

A low buzz penetrated the edge of his consciousness, white noise, just annoying enough to wrench him Reluctantly up onto the next level of wakefulness.

But if he was not home...where....?

Memories of Jim's rejection suddenly flooded his mind, wrenching a low moan from his very soul.

Oh, God...No...Anything but that... rather be dead....

He toppled back toward the comforting dark.

Something slammed hard across his cheek. He groaned a soft protest. Another slap. He tried to shield his face with a too-heavy arm. The third blow got his full attention.

And his anger.

The white noise changed, cleared.. Became voices. Crisp, efficient voices.

"That got him motivated."

Blair scowled. He was under attack from a sadistic she-demon.

"Mr Sandburg, wake up. Come back to us. You've been asleep too long."

Go to hell. "Sleep..."

"No, Sandburg." The she-demon crushed his shoulders, giving him a vicious shake.

"Go way," Blair protested, wanting nothing more than to return to the sheltering darkness.

"There are people waiting for you. We're not going away."

Jim did....

"Wake up, now, Sandburg. Your friends miss you."

No one who matters...

Resigned, he concentrated on prying leaden lids open. Rolled his head toward the demanding she-demon.

"Mr. Sandburg," A woman, blonde and tiny, with a smile that didn't quite reach her green eyes, bent over him, taking his wrist in her slender hand. "I'm Dr Armstrong." She paused, watching him absorb that information, then added, "You've had an accident." Another brief pause. "You are in hospital. ICU. Do you understand?"

Blair managed the tiniest of nods.

"Do you remember what happened?"

He thought about that for a minute, frowning. Nope. Couldn't remember a thing past the blowup in the bullpen. He rolled his head on the pillow.

"Okay, that happens. We'll run some tests, make sure there's no permanent damage due to lack of oxygen, though, just to be safe."

Lack of oxygen? He stared at her, suddenly alert. Oh, man, she was talking about brain damage. He didn't feel any different.

The monitor picked up an even faster tempo. Did brain damage feel different?

"Mr Sandburg, don't worry about a thing. That's my job. Yours is to concentrate on getting stronger. Understand?"

Not worry? This was his life she was talking about. Brain damage? He was an intellectual, for crying out loud. A teacher. How the hell was he gonna handle this... Alone?

"How long?" Blair demanded in a harsh whisper. "Here?"

The smile came again, this time warming some of the chill from her watchful gaze. "You've been here for seven days, Mr Sandburg."

"Seven....?"

She nodded, smiling that professional smile that went nowhere toward comforting him. "There's a very nervous detective...Detective Ellison, I believe, waiting to see you when you're ready."

"No...." Panic lifted him off the pillows. "No...I can not. I won't..."

"Hey, take it easy, there." Armstrong urged, pressing him gently back down. "He only wants to ask you some questions about the assault."

Blair shook his head. "Not...him."

"Okay. It's up to you who comes in here for now. I won't let anyone in you so obviously don't want to see. But Detective Ellison did mention you were...family."

"No," Blair's eyes closed, trapping volcanic tears beneath the lids. "Not anymore." He gasped in several breathes, gathering his strength back around him. "Simon....Need...see Simon."

"Simon?" Armstrong frowned for a mere second, than brightened. "Ah, yes. That would be the charming Captain Banks? He just happens to be in the waiting room with your....with Detective Ellison. When you're feeling up...."

"Now."

"Mr Sandburg, I don't think...."

"Now."

She looked down on his determined countenance and nodded. "Very well, Mr Sandburg. Now."

*******

"What do you mean, he won't see me?" Jim blasted, rocketing past Armstrong, down the hall toward Blair's room. "He damn well better....."

Strong fingers wrapped around Jim's arm and Simon whirled him back around. "That's enough, Jim. The doctor doesn't deserve this abuse, and besides, Blair can hear you three states away. Do you really want to upset him now he's finally awake?"

Jim’s haunted gaze tracked toward the closed room. His guide was so close. He could hear the fear in each thudding beat of the man's heart. Fear he'd so brutally put in the young man. "I gotta talk to him, Simon." He forced the words through a throat that threatened to close up. "I gotta make him understand...."

"I know, Jim," Simon said softly, easing his detective back toward the waiting area and down into the hard chair. "I know, but you've gotta consider what Blair needs this time. And he needs time to adjust to what's happened to him. To get his mind around the fact that you've been temporarily insane, that you've found your right mind once again. Understand?"

Jim stared into Simon's sympathetic eyes. "Yeah. Right. Insane. Understood," he muttered, dropping his face into his hands. "I understand."

Simon placed a reassuring hand on Jim's shoulder. "I'm going in. Talk with the boy. See what there is to see. Anything you want me to tell him?"

Jim nodded. "Yeah, tell I lo...." His throat clogged up, choking off the words. He swallowed down the lump. "Tell him I...."

Despair shut him down and he shook his head. "No, forget it. Nothing. No message."

****

Simon's heart went out to the pale man lying in the tangle of hospital white.

Blair must have drifted back asleep while the doctor had come for him. Ah, Jesus, he sure didn't look anything like the fireball of energy that rocketed through the bullpen at all hours of the night and day.

He looked...fragile.

Let the guy sleep. This can wait.

Taking a backward step toward the door, Simon spun to tiptoe back out.

"Simon...."

Simon turned back, smiling. The smile died a wrenching death.

My god, those are the eyes of a dead man. He's dead inside. Jim's brutal rejection had killed the young man.

God, what a mess.

Forcing the smile back on his chilled lips, Simon approached the bed. "How you feeling, Blair?" he asked, then gave a short, snorting laugh. "Dumb question. Don't answer that. God, I'm babbling. You really had us scared, Blair. Jim.....

"Don't...."

"What? I don't understand."

"Jim. Not willing...discuss him." Blair managed, tearing his eyes away to stare unblinking at a spot on the white walls.

"Christ, Blair, he's ripping his heart out worrying about you."

"Not his respon....responsibility." His eyes closed, near exhausted. "Take...take him home."

"He won't go, Blair. He..."

"Take...him...home."

"Come on, Blair. Just let him talk to you."

"No."

"He's come to his senses, Blair. Wants to make things right."

Blair's eyes opened again, full of resolve. "No."

"Blair..."

"Tired. Sleep." His eyes closed again, shutting Simon out as effectively as a metal door.

Simon sighed. "Okay, Blair. I'll do what you ask. I'll convince him to go home."

The fragile body shuddered. "Tell him...said...have a..." The heart monitor spiked dangerously and his transparent hands curled into tight fists on the blankets. "Have a good life."

"You want me to tell him not to come back, Blair? To tell him you won't see him?"

A long silence hung in the air. "Yes."

"Come on, Blair. He'll kill me."

"Welcome to...club." he said, his voice trailing off to an exhausted snore.

"Okay, kid. I'll buy you the time you're asking for. But you're gonna owe me big. You damn well better be willing to replace all my spilled blood."

*****

"What in the hell do you mean, he's gone?" Jim snarled, longing to curl his fingers around the doctor's long, slender neck and squeeze. "He's not supposed to check out until tomorrow."

Armstrong meet his fiery gaze coolly. "He wouldn't wait. Insisted on signing the forms today and checking himself out."

"But he isn't ready...."

"Detective Ellison," the doctor said. "Mr Sandburg will probably have no adverse effects from leaving one day early. He was given excellent health care instructions and was very certain in his understanding of what to be concerned about."

"But he needs someone to keep an eye on him. He should be home with me." He ran his hands over his flushed cheeks. "He was dead dammit. D.O.A. on the scene. He should be home with me."

"He does not feel comfortable in that situation, Detective Ellison."

Jim stared at her open mouthed. "He said that?"

"I spoke with him in great depth during the time he was here, detective. We had some conversations in which your name, and the time leading up to his attack, did come up."

"And you blame me for the results."

"I don't make judgment calls, detective. My job is simply to help him deal with the steps he must take to rebuild his life."

"Okay. Okay, right," Jim grumbled, raking a trembling hand through his hair. "Did he happen to tell you were he was going?"

"I can't tell you that," Armstrong hissed. "You know that."

"So, you won't help me?"

"My concerns are for the welfare of my patient, detective. Telling you where he might have gone, if I even knew, would not benefit his recovery. Now, I am very busy. If you'll excuse me...."

******

Blair's breathing shut down as he stared into a pair of shocking blue eyes. "Jim....I..."

Running out of breath, he sucked in a shuddering sigh. "I expected you would find me before this."

Ellison grimaced. "Figured you wanted some time. You sound real glad to see me."

Something cold cracked in Blair's chest threatening to suffocate him all over again. "I...I really can't do this," he said, swinging the door shut.

Jim's hand came up, halting the action. "I brought pizza." He held up a familiar box. "Vegetarian. Want to share?"

Another electric jolt shot through him, making Blair want nothing more than to curl up and hide. "Jim...."

"Come on, Blair," Jim wheedled. "Talk to me. Give me a chance."

Blair stared at the haggard man before him and sighed. "Five minutes, Jim."

He stepped back, letting the man into the dingy efficiency.

"Ah, nice place."

"It's a dive, man," Blair said softly. "Don't patronize me. Okay?"

He begin pacing back and forth through the room. "Ah, man, I am so not ready for this."

"Blair, I'm not gonna pounce on you. Relax. Share this damn pizza with me."

Blair rounded on him, his sable hair flying around his furious face. "Share a pizza, man? I can't bear to share the same air with you. Don't you see? I so don't want to put myself in that place again."

Jim's shoulders slumped. "Okay. I get you. You don't want to hear me. I realize that. I just wanted to say.... God, Blair. All that shit I said. I didn't mean it, you know? You gotta know I didn't mean it. The words.... once they started, I couldn't stop them. No more than I can take them back, now."

Blair stared, stunned. That had to be the most words Jim had ever strung together at one time and they were all directed, each emotional one, at him. And all coming too late.

Way to late.

"What do you want from me, man?" Blair demanded, glaring at his one time friend with his hands balanced on his hips.

Jim caught his gaze. "Come home, Blair."

Oh, yeah, please.

He shook his head. "No. No way, man. I'm not that self-destructive."

"You'd rather stay...." Jim swung his arm, encompassing the room. "Here?"

God, Jim. I'm dying here. Why can't you just like it go.

"I'd rather stay in a cardboard box then set myself up for the mind-blowing crap you deliver."

The words hit Jim like a sucker punch and he paled, taking a step backward. "You really do hate me, don't you?"

No, man. I love you, and that's why I can't do what you're asking. I can't ever let you have the power to throw me aside again. It just hurts too damn much.

"Nah, I don't hate you, Ellison," Blair said, jerking the drooping pizza box from his ex-partner's hand and tossing it onto the counter. "Get rid of that damn thing, man, before it lands on the floor."

"You said when I came to my senses, you'd be waiting for me," Jim whispered, lifting his head to catch Blair's steady gaze.

"You didn't wait, Chief." His bitter laugh hung in the air. "Nobody ever waits." His big body shuddered and a tear spilled down his cheek. "Why didn't you wait?"

He whirled suddenly on his heel, grabbing blindly for the door knob.

Reacting with his guide's heart, Blair got there first, gathering his sentinel into his arms.

At the first touch, Jim burrowed like an injured child, burying his face in the clean herbal scented hair. Seeking the warm sturdy body he'd missed since Blair had been pronounced dead. "Need you back, Chief." he whimpered. "Can't do this alone. Please, Chief. Don't leave me out in the cold. I need you. Need you"

"Ah, no, big guy, don't," Blair pleaded, running his hands over his friend's trembling arms and back. "I'm here, man. Don't do this. Anything but this."

"I was out of control. Blair. Lost my perspective." Jim's words were a soft, wet whisper against Blair's neck. "Thought I was losing you. Didn't know how or why. Just knew you were leaving me. Had to strike out any way I could. Save myself." A heart rending sob broke the tension. "God, I'm so scared."

Blair felt his defenses crumbling but could do nothing to save himself. "I know, man. Now I know."

Jim's hands were moving again, searching, tugging, diving under Blair's black tee shirt.

"Whoa up, big guy," Blair gasped as Jim's hands skimmed his naked chest. "What the hell are you..."

Jim's mouth swooped, claiming Blair's lips in a soul shattering heat, then lift. "Need you, Blair. Let me?"

Blair's answer vanished under Jim's plundering lips. Too stunned to do anything else, he froze. Until, pulling himself together, he pushed hard against Jim's chest. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Jim stumbled back, a dazed look covering his rugged features. "Jesus... oh God, Blair, I...."

"You gonna rape me, man?" Blair accused. "Holy shit, this is like so weird."

"I don't believe I did that." Jim whispered, his legs buckling under him. "I must be going crazy. God, Chief, can you forgive...."

His hands jerked up to cover his face and he slumped in on himself, the sobs wrenching out of him.

Blair swept his partner back into his comforting arms. The big man struggled against the embrace, mumbling incoherently.

Blair's hands stroked him, offering slow, petting caresses meant to calm the man in his arms. "Hey, man, it's all right," he said softly, guiding Jim to a better place. "I understand....at least I think I do. Come on, Jim. Don't zone on me, huh? Keep it together."

Jim finally wrenched out of his guide's arms, backing away, his head swinging from one side to the other. "Got to get out," he muttered, "Get away."

"Calm down, big guy," Blair said softly, holding his arms wide. "You're okay now, man. You hear me. Time to dial down. Get out of the zone."

Jim's unfocused eyes settled on Blair and he growled deep in his throat.

"Oh, man," Blair mumbled, knowing in no uncertain terms he was in dangerous territory. "This is so not good."

"Mine," Jim snarled, straightening aggressively.

Blair captured the zoning sentinel's gaze. "Jim, come on now, man. You're scaring me."

"Mine," Jim repeated, stalking the smaller man who backed cautiously away.

"Right, Jim. I'm your guide, remember? Goddess, don't hurt me." Jim's hands latched onto Blair's arms. He slammed Blair's compact body tight against his own. "Mine."

Dazed, Blair hung limply in the sentinel's arms for a moment, then, pulling himself together, he rubbed his hands against the zoned man's chest. "Okay, Jim. You're right. I'm yours. Always will be, Jim. Always."

"Always." Jim purred, nuzzling Blair's neck. "Need you, Blair. Always."

"I know, man," Blair murmured, sliding his arms around Jim's waist. "It's okay, Jim."

"Come home?"

Blair hesitated, knowing that he was at a crossroads in their relationship. Jim was asking for something more than friendship, he wanted commitment.

"Okay, yeah," he said, stroking Jim's back. "I'll come home, if that's what you want."

God knows it's what I want.

Jim eased his hold, gazing into his guide's eyes with growing awareness. A smile ghosted over his full lips as he brushed the wild hair back from Blair's too white face. "I think we're gonna have to talk about this....new development," his arms tightened, drawing Blair's unresisting form as tight as he could. "When we get home."

THE END