Musings and rants

By GitonCrais

Rated R

Crais ponders his relationship with Moya's Crew and Talyn.

Disclaimer: "Farscape" is a protected trademark and I'm Just borrowing the characters. I promise to give them back once I've used them, hopefully more or less intact. Following is some musings and rantings from the dear Captain in his own mind. His POV on the Moya-crew. Remember, he is on his own and feels nobody likes him. What would you think in that situation?

Musings and rants

By GitonCrais

"We don’t trust you," the human had said, "We don’t believe you," and the others had followed his example. No dampening net. No controlling Talyn’s aggressive outbursts. They had probably put Talyn’s aggressiveness down to his fault, like everything else.

Should he have been more demonstrative to show them how aggressive Talyn had become? They wouldn’t have believed him anyway.

Should he have begged them? He couldn’t bring himself to do that it was not his style. They still wouldn’t have trusted him.

He snorted. Did they trust him now? He had come to their rescue on a number of occasions, had proven to them that he was a forceful ally and even then it was just a reluctant "Thank you but goodbye, don’t drop in any time soon." Until the next time they needed him. He didn’t need their approval! A dark cloud passed over his eyes, belying that thought.

Maybe he should have claimed some of the honour, instead of saying "Talyn heard Moya’s distress call"? It had not always been Talyn who had urged to go to their rescue but he thought they might have refused his help or command of the situation had he told them it was his idea to help. Had he told them the truth they would have written it off as Crais trying to get in their good books.

Crais snorted again. Each of them had been given countless second chances by the others and had been accepted back in the fold. Especially Crichton. The times he had endangered the crew of Moya and the Leviathan with his recklessness and still they believed he was -how had Crichton formulated it- one of the "good guys".

They had betrayed each other, nearly killed each other, shouted, screamed and hated each other but they were the "good guys" and he, Crais, the eternal "bad guy" in the equation.

Granted, his past was rife with wrongs of various degrees but he had changed since boarding and taking command of Talyn. Had they forgiven him? No!

His exploits and good intentions in the past cycle had meant nothing to them. The assurances Talyn gave Moya that he was treated well were put down as simple lies he had been forced to tell by Crais. As if anyone could do that to Talyn.

It was partly this attitude that refrained him from telling about his own "good deeds" in the Uncharted Territories. Two revolts suppressed, a riotous band of robbers and thugs squashed, one assassination prevented, evacuation of a whole village to the other side of a planet and coming to the rescue of two cargo-carriers, not to mention the numerous smaller deeds.

Oh, he had been tempted on occasion to tell them. If only for the simple reason of shutting Crichton up but what good would it have done him? Nothing! It wouldn’t have made a difference. He didn’t like telling them anyway. What he did was because he thought it was right for him to do so, not because he wanted their approval. He had wanted to make Talyn believe that he should use his power for the good; to defend the innocent and to do so was by being an example to the youngster. He had to defend the innocent, he had to protect the needy or else his lessons would be hollow. What he couldn’t do was still the conflict in Talyn of being a peaceful Leviathan as well as a warrior.

Maybe if they had had more time to learn from each other in the beginning but what was done couldn’t be undone. He had taken the youngster when he was still a baby. Talyn was forced to grow up faster than he would have normally done had he stayed with Moya, now Crais had to live with the consequences. Although, even that was debatable. Moya had to flee with her crew as well. How would Talyn have grown up under those circumstances, or worse with Crichton commanding him?

Crais grew resentful again of Crichton.

When he told them a few monens ago that he needed the dampening net they had put it down as him wanting the new weapon to make Talyn, and himself, more powerful. Because of Crichton he had not been able to explain that it had become a necessity and the reason why. How could he explain the pain Talyn forced on him without showing weakness or that he wasn’t in full control of the Leviathan? They already believed he wasn’t the right Captain for Talyn.

He sighed. He had to admit that Crichton still managed to raise his hackles. His incompetence as a commander, his total disregard of respect for other species and his dumb luck that kept all this from the others on Moya.

Crais paced the floor in mounting anger. He had engaged privacy mode to be with his own thoughts for the moment. He didn’t want to risk another outburst from Talyn and he needed to get some thoughts off his chest, even if it was quietly in his own mind,

The others saw his resentment for Crichton as vengeance for the death of his brother and jealousy for Aeryn. They might have been right in the beginning but he had changed. No longer did he hold Crichton responsible for Tauvo’s death, he had accepted it as an accident.

No longer did he want Aeryn or was completely revolted by her choice of mate, not after he had seen her devotion displayed for the human.

No longer was he thinking like a true Peacekeeper Captain.

He sighed again.

He was alone on Talyn and at times he yearned the company of others and their approval.

Sometimes the others of Moya joined him on Talyn but he soon grew weary of their company and their constant mistrust of him and then he wanted to be alone again.

Wearily he sat down on the floor, rested his arms on his knees and letting his hands dangle between his legs while he rested his head against the bulkhead, closing his eyes briefly. He thought back to the crew on Moya.

Who would he have like on board Talyn from Moya’s crew?

Ka D’Argo? Not very likely. He would have to watch his back continuously, or rather his front. He doubted that the Luxan would attack him when his back was turned. He smiled wryly. The Luxan had looked for openings before to attack Crais, the slightest smile or word would provoke him. He was just waiting for an opportunity. It was proven when he attacked him when Crais was asking for their help to install a dampening net. He would also be too busy trying to explain to Talyn not to shoot Ka D’Argo, it would confuse the youngster even further.

Rygel? Although the Dominar amused him, his insistence that he knew everything better than everybody else, his laziness and his complete preoccupation with either food or wealth would drive Crais to distraction or madness.

Pau Zotoh Zhaan? Beautiful Zhaan! He respected Zhaan and it would be very convenient to have a healer on board but could he handle her insistence of non-violence? Even though he suspected that she could handle herself as a warrior in a pinch, probably not. Neither could Talyn and who would be paying for Talyn’s confusion?

Chiana? He liked Chiana… in small doses! No, her playfulness was fun to watch… at a distance. Her total lack of inhibition would be nice if he wanted to recreate every two arns, which he didn’t but her total lack of discipline would drive him over the edge. He shuddered at the thought.

The Banik Stark? Most assuredly not! He didn’t trust the Banik. His obsession with death would be detrimental to him and Talyn. His supposed clumsiness a danger to them all. No, definitely not the Banik!

Aeryn? He couldn’t think "Aeryn" and leave Crichton out of the equation. It had been quite clear to him that those two were together, even from the beginning when neither of them admitted to that. The protectiveness they displayed for each other and could quite easily put them in danger made him feel quite sick at times. Maybe it was simple jealousy, he had to admit to himself but he hoped he would show proper restraint and wouldn’t disgrace himself in public should he be lucky enough to find a suitable mate.

Thinking about it, it wasn’t so bad to be alone on Talyn. At least there was no one around to be irritated by, no one he could upset or be upset with. He realised it wasn’t very healthy for his mental well being either. Who had he to talk to? Himself? Talyn?

To be able to "shape" Talyn he had to change himself.

"Fine counsellor," he guffawed. Shortly before he boarded Talyn he had seen the depths of madness, had only been able to claw out of there only a little while before that. Then straight into a lone existence on board the Leviathan.

He had succeeded in shaping the youngster and changing himself and trying to keep the madness from overflowing into Talyn. Maybe he had been only partly successful. He had fought the madness and the anger without help from anybody.

He had changed and still the human had said he couldn’t be trusted or believed. Instead of looking at Crais and seeing the change or listening to Talyn the others had believed Crichton on his say-so.

The anger was mounting again and with an effort he calmed himself down. He stood up to loosen his muscles and to still the fire of annoyance. He wouldn’t like to go down that road. He paced the floor again, hands clasped behind his back.

Yes, life with Talyn wasn’t so bad, when he thought about it, if it wasn’t for the aggressiveness Talyn displayed of asserting himself. There were times that he could hardly move for arns after one of Talyn’s outbursts. He dreaded those periods. What would happen if they were attacked or encountered others when he was disabled? It didn’t bear thinking about.

Then again, Talyn would more often than not be very remorseful when he had hurt Crais. He would frequently lull Crais to sleep when he had a stressful time, normally after meeting up with the Moya-crew. He would make him feel less alone. When Crais had been wounded, he had given some of his energy to ease the pain, they had shared it and it was made more bearable.

Crais stopped his pacing and frowned at that thought. They had shared the pain. Why, if they could share thoughts and pain together, would Talyn hurt him? Would he not be hurt by it as well? Normally they were linked when that happened. If it could bring Crais down, what happened to Talyn on those occasions? Would it not disable him as well? When privacy mode was engaged they could act independently of each other, it was a different matter when they were linked. He had never thought about it until this moment. Why now?

Was Talyn punishing himself every time he threw a tantrum? Had it maybe learned to go into privacy mode himself? Somehow Crais couldn’t believe that. He had to ponder on that.

Before his thoughts could go any further Talyn beeped in excitement and flashed his lights on the console to alert Crais.

Crais touched his transponder and asked him what made him so excited.

Talyn had picked up Moya’s transmissions and was preparing for Starburst to meet her.

Crais sighed wearily, it was time to meet up with the others. His further musings would have to wait for a while longer.

"Okay, Talyn, Starburst. Let us meet up with the others."

THE END