Three Little Birds

Part 11

By Zen&nancy

Blair lay awake in bed, listening to the sound of the rain against his window. He couldn't sleep, although it had been a rough day at school and he was exhausted. He'd lost count of the number of people he'd lied to, and the stories he'd made up to explain his lip, which was still swollen and ugly. Duncan lay next to him, asleep, his long legs curled up on Blair's futon bed. There was a pit in his stomach, a vague, bad feeling that he was trying to ignore. Jim hadn't called. All evening he'd been tense, waiting for the phone to ring. He wondered if Simon had talked to him, and what Jim's reaction was. Blair hoped that he hadn't lost his temper with Simon, that could be suicidal.

Sighing heavily, Blair got out of bed. Pulling the covers back up over his sleeping lover, Blair padded softly to the living room to sit on the couch. The room was dark, and Blair didn't bother to turn the light on. He sat staring out the dark window for a long time. Finally, he got up, going to the kitchen for a glass of water. Without letting himself think about it, Blair picked up the phone and dialed. His back against the counter, he slid slowly to the floor. It rang three, then four times. The answering machine picked up.

"You have reached the residence of Detective Jim Ellison of the Cascade P.D., please leave me a short message including your name and phone number and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

Blair sighed softly into the phone, "Jim, it's Blair."

He waited, listening to the sound of his heart pounding. He wondered if Jim could hear it, too. Probably.

"Jim, come on man, I know you can hear me, this is stupid. Pick up the phone. Please, Jim?"

He paused, trying to picture Jim rolling out of bed and going down the stairs to the cordless lying on the counter in the kitchen. When he had imagined the movement twice, he tried again.

"Please, Jim? Talk to me? Come on buddy, I'm really worried. Jim, please, just talk to me for a minute, okay? Simon called yesterday, he says you've been drinking. That's not good. Jim, please don't... Come on man, just pick up the phone," without realizing it, Blair had slipped into his 'Guide voice' his words all one single, soothing note. "You wanted to talk to me, I'm here Jim, I'm right here, just pick up the phone..."

Blair sighed, wondering if Jim could be out this late, and what he would think of this message when he got it. He couldn't be on stake out, or called out of bed to a crime scene, Simon had said he was on desk duty. Maybe he was passed out cold, maybe he'd gotten drunk alone and zoned... Oh God, what if he was too late?

"Jim! Look, I'm not going to go away until you pick up the phone, I'll just keep calling back, man, I mean it. Jim!"

Suddenly there was a voice on the other end, "Sandburg, leave me the hell alone."

He sounded like shit. "Jim..."

"I said leave me the hell alone!"

The phone slammed in his ear, and Blair waited until the dial tone came back, making him jump, before he put the receiver back on it's cradle. "Well, you handled that really well, Blair, nice job, you really helped him. Some Guide you are." Blair talked to himself, leaning back against the wall. A mouse scuttled across the floor, disappearing behind the refrigerator.

"Oh man, that settles it, you guys can have it. I am out of here."

Blair shuffled miserably back to bed. He crawled in carefully, spooning behind Duncan's warm body.

"Mmm, you okay?" Duncan mumbled, turning over without really waking up. His arms pulled Blair close, resettling with his lover snuggled against his chest.

Blair sighed heavily, "Yeah, I'm okay," he hesitated a moment, hoping Duncan's offer still stood. "Can I move in with you?"

Duncan opened his eyes, his brain catching up with the words that had registered in his half awake mind, "Of course you can, Caro. I want you there. Are you sure?"

"There's mice in the kitchen. I hate this place. I want out of here, man, no more."

"No more what?" Duncan's voice was gravely with sleep, but his eyes were wide awake now, looking into Blair's with love and concern.

"No more Jim?" Duncan guessed softly, stroking Blair's hair.

"Did you hear?"

"Mmm, no," Duncan sat up in bed, leaning back against the cold wall and pulling Blair back against his chest. The cold woke him up, clearing the last of the sleepiness from his brain. "Hear what? Did he call?" Duncan glanced at the clock on the bedside table. It was two forty in the morning.

"No, I called him. He told me to leave him alone," Blair whispered, feeling the angry, hurt words all over again.

"I'm sorry, Blair."

"Me too. Man, why does he have to be so thickheaded? I'm starting to think there's just no way I'm going to be able to help him, Duncan. I mean, every time I talk to him I fuck it up..."

"Hey, now where did that come from?" Blair's head fell forward as he stared down at his hands. "No, look at me, kiddo," Duncan raised Blair's face with his hand. "How is it your fault if he won't talk to you? If the man refuses your help, there's nothing you can do."

"I have to, Duncan. If I don't, he's going to lose his badge!"

"Isn't that still his decision to make?"

Blair sighed heavily, shaking his head, "Yeah, but it's still all my fault this happened in the first place."

"No, Caro, it's not. I think maybe you're simplifying this a little too much. Four months ago you expressed your feelings for him, and he kicked you out. That doesn't make you responsible for what happened Saturday, or what he's doing now."

"Doesn't it? If I had kept my hands to myself, and just left, which is what I should have done in the first place when I first realized I was falling in love with him... I can't help thinking all of this bullshit could have been avoided."

"You can't control fate, Blair. I know it's your instinct to protect him, to watch over him, but you may have to face the fact that he won't let you."

"I know," Blair sighed heavily, leaning back against his lover. "I'm sorry I woke you up. You have an early class tomorrow, too."

"So do you."

"Yeah, but sleep dep's a way of life for me, man. You're going to be tired."

"It's okay, it doesn't matter. I can always go back to the loft and take a nap before the night class at the dojo."

"In that case..." Blair murmured suggestively, rolling over in Duncan's arms to kiss him.

"Are you sure you want to? I know you're upset, kiddo..."

Blair shook his head, flattening himself across Duncan's chest. "No, not here, man, not with you. And besides, I always want to. If I'm awake, I'm horny."

"One of the many things I love about you, Caro," Duncan laughed, as Blair pulled his arms up over his head, holding his wrists. There was a kind of joyful abandon that came with loving Blair, and Duncan could never get enough of it, or him.

"Really? Does that mean I can have my way with you?" Blair teased, leaning down to bite Duncan's ear.

"Oh, absolutely," Duncan's voice was low and seductive.

"Mmm, all mine," Blair told him, his hands sliding slowly down Duncan's muscled arms and across his chest. He teased the flat nipples, brushing his palms over them in light circles until they hardened under his touch.

"For the taking," Duncan agreed, watching Blair on top of him, a wide grin on his face. Life with Blair was a series of never-ending surprises, especially in bed.

"Oh, man, what an invitation. I don't think I can resist."

Blair's tongue flicked out across the taut nipple, drawing a gasp from his lover. His hands roamed over Duncan's body, cataloging his response. He was flushed, already hard and restless beneath him. He still marveled at the perfect symmetry of Duncan's body, and never tired of memorizing it by touch.

"No, you have to be patient," Blair teased, running two fingers lightly up the length of his lover's hard cock.

"For how long?" Duncan gasped, shuddering when Blair touched him.

"For as long as I want. That was the deal, no?"

Blair's pointed tongue traced circles around the other nipple, blowing lightly across the hard flesh.

"I made a deal?" Duncan moaned, distracted by Blair's teasing tongue.

"Mmm, I remember it distinctly, you said 'for the taking'. I'm taking."

"God help me," Duncan groaned, laughing at his own lack of control. With Blair he rarely felt the need for control, though. Blair could take as much of him as he wanted, there was no part of him that Blair didn't already have.

Blair moved over him, rubbing himself full length against Duncan. His weight braced on his elbows, Blair slid sensuously down his lover's body, until their feet brushed and he was eye level with the center of Duncan's chest. Pausing briefly to suck a nipple into his mouth, he pulled himself back up. He held himself off of Duncan so that their skin barely brushed, knowing that the light touch of his body sliding over his lover's hard cock would only inflame him further.

Capturing Duncan's lips, Blair relaxed against him, Duncan's hard cock nestling between his thighs, his own erection rubbing enticingly against Duncan's hard stomach. His tongue burrowed into Duncan's mouth, joining with his lover in a slow dual. Blair kissed him for a long time, holding Duncan down with the weight of his body.

Duncan began to move his hips, pushing his cock between Blair's thighs. Blair squeezed his legs together, trapping him in mid thrust.

"Uh-uh, no deal, handsome," he scolded, nipping the full lower lip. "I want your mouth, and that's all you get, for now. Kiss me," Blair demanded, covering Duncan's swollen lips with his own once more.

Duncan groaned, his hands digging into the round cheeks of his lover's ass as Blair's tongue thrust into his mouth. Blair held him trapped with his strong legs, as his mouth was invaded and plundered. Blair's small mouth sucked and nipped hungrily at his, his tongue thrusting hard, taunting him with the suggestive rhythm.

"Tease," Duncan groaned accusingly, trying to move against the hard cock pressed against his middle, hoping to excite his partner to further action. Blair laughed, moving to Duncan's ear.

"No, you just have to be patient," Blair whispered hotly, his tongue flicking over the outer edge of Duncan's ear. Teasing Duncan was fun, but it wasn't the reason for Blair's slow seduction. He could never get enough of the feel of Duncan under him, wanting him. It was still so intoxicating to have this magnificent man, and know that he gave himself to Blair body and soul.

Duncan closed his eyes, shivering when his lover sucked his earlobe into his mouth, biting playfully. Blair was moving again, sliding slowly down to press a hot kiss to Duncan's hip, his curls brushing the hard, seeping erection he was pretending to ignore. He sucked hard, leaving a mark on his lover's skin that he knew would only last a moment. Turning his face to breath over the rigid flesh, Blair let his fingertips graze his lover's cock lightly.

"Have I tortured you enough?"

"Yes," Duncan hissed, shuddering as Blair's exhaled breath caressed him, taunting him with the thought of his lover's tongue.

"Mmm, no, I don't think so, not quite," Blair whispered, sliding back up Duncan's hard body.

Blair's fingertips dragged up the length of Duncan's cock once more, continuing up his chest to roll a hard nipple back and forth.

"Blair," Duncan growled warningly, groaning in pleasure and frustration.

Blair's own cock was screaming at him to hurry up, to take what was so willingly offered before him, as his vision burned the image of Duncan writhing beneath him into his memory.

"Ah, my warrior, I'm not afraid of you. You're all bark and no bite."

Blair's giggle turned into a moan as Duncan's teeth closed over his throat, contradicting him.

"Okay, I could see it your way," Blair moaned, losing the hold he'd had on his desire as Duncan's teeth moved possessively over his throat.

Squirming out of his lover's arms Blair reached for the tube of lubricant next to his bed. Straddling Duncan's hips he rubbed himself against his lover's cock for a few exquisite minutes, letting the fire build until he knew he had to stop or lose control of the hard, panting body beneath him completely.

Just when he could take no more of Blair's slow, tantalizing friction, and Duncan's hands closed over the narrow hips to roll them over, Blair's slick hand wrapped around the head of his cock. Squeezing gently, Blair's small hand pushed down his length, spreading the cold lube over his burning flesh. When he was confident that the hard cock was thoroughly lubed, and that Duncan could take no more, Blair sat back on his heels, reaching behind him to grasp his prize.

"Ah, God, Caro...now, please, Blair..." Duncan growled as Blair settled over him, lining Duncan's head up to the entrance to his body.

"Uhh, oh yeah..." Blair moaned, pushing back hard, until the tip of his lover's cock was inside him.

Duncan's hands reached for him, caressing his cock and balls as Blair sank down, impaling himself on the hard, slick intruder. When Duncan was completely sheathed inside him, Blair leaned back, arching his back and grinding his hips, pushing Duncan even deeper inside him.

Duncan moaned his lover's name, his hand pumping Blair's pulsing cock. Blair's arms bent behind him to grasp his ankles, bracing his weight and his center of gravity, angling the cock inside him against his prostate.

"Aahh, Duncan... you feel so good... right there," Blair rocked his hips, moving up and down slowly on his lover's straining erection. Duncan's hand slowed to match his pace, his thumb circling over the swollen head, squeezing gently.

"I love you," Duncan groaned in ecstasy, thrusting up into the tight heat that surrounded him. Just the sight of Blair like this, body taut and glistening with sweat, his head thrown back and his hair hanging almost to the bed, was almost too much.

Blair's eyes were closed, his breath coming in gasps as he moved up and down, losing himself completely to the blinding pleasure of the hard thrusts. Duncan's cock buried itself deep inside him, pushing him closer and closer to oblivion. He cried out, his hips rocking urgently, seeking release from the burning pleasure.

"Yes, oh yes, Duncan," Blair chanted mindlessly, as the orgasm building inside him took control, driving him down onto his lover's pulsing cock. Duncan's fist tightened around him as he came, his body's internal spasms milking Duncan's cock until he exploded inside him, gasping Blair's name.

Blair fell forward, collapsing on Duncan's chest.

"Don't make me move yet," he panted, unable to distinguish his own pounding heartbeat from his lover's. Duncan's chest rose and fell rapidly, but his arms locked around Blair, holding him tight.

"No, don't."

Blair pressed his cheek to Duncan's chest, happily exhausted.

"I want to fall asleep with you inside me," he whispered, his fingers stroking through his lover's damp hair.

"I love you," Duncan whispered in answer, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

"Thank you," Blair breathed, savoring the feeling of lying draped across Duncan's body, his cock still deep inside him.

They drifted off to sleep, arms wrapped around each other, both knowing that the alarm clock would go off much too soon.

Duncan dropped a sleepy Blair off at his morning Lab, promising to meet him for lunch at Blair's apartment to help him pack.

When Duncan got there that afternoon with sandwiches from the deli, Blair had already taken one carload of boxes over to the loft and was getting the second ready to go.

"Hi! You brought food? I love you, I'm starving. Books are about all that's left, I called the rental place this morning and had them pick up the furniture. How was your morning?"

"Less hectic than yours," Duncan smiled, coming over to kiss Blair hello.

"This is really all that's left? I think we can get it all over there in one trip if we take two cars," Duncan surveyed the stack of boxes by the door, and the books piled up waiting to be packed.

"Yep, this is it, weird, huh? How many thirty year olds can pack everything they own on their lunch hour? I kinda like it, definitely makes life easy when you do this as much as I do."

"But maybe not for a while, now," Duncan told him, smiling when Blair agreed.

"As long as you want me."

"That would be forever, Caro."

"I am so there, man," Blair grinned at him, handing Duncan a box of books to carry down to the car.

They managed to get the last of Blair's boxes over to the Dojo and Blair back to the University only a couple minutes late for his next class.

"See you tonight," Blair promised, kissing Duncan hurriedly before they parted ways again at the edge of the campus. Blair jogged up the path to the Anthro building, and Duncan turned to head back to the dojo for an afternoon of paperwork.

Working on the final for Diversity and Development in his office that afternoon, Blair was finding it hard to forget about the short conversation with Jim. His ex-partner's words repeated themselves over and over again in his mind, as his eyes were drawn to the phone on his desk. He wanted to call, to try again. He checked the clock. It was almost four, Jim would be home, probably climbing the walls by now...

"No, Blair, don't do it. If he needs you, he'll call," he told himself sternly, forcing his concentration back to the half finished test in from of him.

When the phone rang he jumped, his heart pounding rapidly in his chest. Snatching up the receiver before it could ring again, or the person on the other end could change there mind, he tried sound normal.

"Blair Sandburg."

"Chief... it's me. Can we talk?"

"That'd be good. Jim, are you okay?"

"Yeah, Sure, whatever. Um, look, Blair, I want to apologize..."

"Whatever? 'Whatever' is not an answer, Jim. Are you okay?'

"No."

"Okay, just relax, I want you to tell me everything that's happened with your senses since I left, in chronological order if you can," Blair reached for a blank pad of paper and a pen.

"Look, Blair, that could take all day. I haven't really been keeping track..."

"Can you tell me when the last time you remember everything working without any problems was?"

"No, I don't remember. Look, Chief, about what happened when I was down there, I want to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have hit you. I don't know what happened, I just reacted..."

"Yeah, well, I think I kinda asked for it. Jim, we really do need to talk, not just about your senses... we need to talk about us, and why you reacted the way you did."

A harsh, bitter laugh came over the line, and Blair winced, recognizing the self recrimination for what it was.

"Chief, do me a favor? Don't tell me I'm repressed again, okay? I don't think I can handle hearing it from you. I've got that much figured out by now."

"Ah Jim, man, this is like, so hard... I don't even know where to start. I'm really worried about you. Simon said..."

"Simon can fuck off."

"He took your gun?"

"Sandburg, you're not supposed to be able to read my mind from two hundred miles away," there was both affection and bitterness in Ellison's voice.

"He called, he told me..." Blair answered softly, wishing that he could be there to help, and knowing he couldn't.

"What did he tell you?" Jim asked defensively, and Blair could picture him, jumping to his feet to pace the loft.

"He told me you've been drinking a lot, and that you've been zoning so much that he had to relieve you of active duty. Jim, that is like, so dangerous. You've got to get some help."

"What the hell do you think I'm trying to do, Sandburg? Except your boyfriend decided to try to take me out with his bare hands. What is he, ex-marine?"

"He was trying to protect me..."

"Next time I'll kill him, I swear to God."

"Jim! Rage is not going to solve anything. Duncan is the least of your problems, okay? Could we try to focus on something positive here?"

"Blair, please. Come home."

Blair's eyes closed, his voice a whisper, "I can't do that Jim. I'm sorry."

"I need your help, Blair. I need you. You're the only one who can help me," Jim sounded more desperate than Blair had ever heard him.

Blair realized that he was starting to cry, and he was grateful that Jim couldn't see him.

"I'm sorry, Jim, I can't. This is home, this is where I have to be. I want to help you, big guy, but you're going to have to be willing to help yourself."

"Blair, please. If you'll come back, I'll do anything, whatever you want, whatever he gives you, I can. I need you Chief, I'm not makin' it."

"Oh God, Jim, please, don't do this to me. You can't even accept the fact that I'm gay, you kicked me out. You can't give me what Duncan does. You can't love me..."

"Yes, I can! I do," Jim blurted out, interrupting him, "I always have, Chief, I just didn't want to see it for what it was... God Blair, please come home. It's so damn quiet here, it's driving me crazy."

"I can't come back, Jim, but I can try to help you. Will you let me?"

Blair held the phone pressed so hard against his ear that he almost didn't hear Jim's answer.

"Yes."

"Jim, I'm so sorry..."

"Don't."

There was so much pain in that order, Blair fell silent, at a total loss for words for the first time in his life.

"Blair, why is he so important?" Jim's voice cracked, the emotion stretching taut across the long distance phone line.

"I love him, Jim."

"Why?"

"I don't know, because he's good to me, he makes me feel wanted, he loves me back... he's what I've always wanted, someone that really understands me."

"There's no way I'm going to get you back, is there?"

"No. I'm sorry. But Jim, that doesn't mean I don't want to help you, or that I don't want to be your friend, I do, but you have to meet me halfway here, buddy."

"I can do that. Blair, you have no idea how sorry I am that I told you to leave that night... I was sorry as soon as you left, I wanted to tell you to come back, I watched you drive away. I was an asshole. Can you forgive me?"

"Yeah, of course I can man, I love you. I always will, you're my blessed protector." It felt so good to say it, even if it didn't feel anything like he'd wanted it to, all those years.

"Am I? I thought MacLeod took over that duty."

"No Jim, he's my mate, and I love him more than I ever have anyone on this planet, but you'll always be my blessed protector."

"I guess that's good," Jim whispered, not trusting himself to say anything more.

"Listen, this is what I want you to do. Stop drinking. Get eight hours of sleep. Record everything that happens for twenty four hours, use a tape recorder if your vision is too messed up to write. I need to know what's going on in your head when your senses act up, and how you react emotionally before and after each episode, okay?"

"Jesus, Sandburg, why don't you just cut me open and map my brain."

"Don't offer, it'd be fascinating, man. Seriously, Jim, I need you to do this."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah, okay, I'll do my best."

"That's really good Jim. Don't worry, we're going to find a way to get you back online, I promise. Call me tomorrow night, okay? Around eight. Oh, wait, let me give you Duncan's number."

"You're not going to be home?"

"Um, no, actually, that is home. As of today."

"Oh."

"Jim..."

"Blair, be happy."

"I am," Blair answered softly. He gave Jim Duncan's number, and hung up the phone, trying to get his emotions under control.

"Oh man, that sucked," Blair mumbled, gathering his notes into a pile. There was no point in trying to go back to it, all he wanted to do was get back to the loft, and Duncan. "Hang in there Jim, I'm gonna find a way to make this work if it kills me," Blair spoke softly, standing up to gather up his backpack and books.

Duncan was teaching his Tuesday night judo class when Blair walked into the dojo. He stopped, setting his back pack down against the wall to watch Duncan. He was wrapping up the class, going over the new strikes and counters they had learned. Blair watched from the back wall, marveling at the fluid movements of his lover's body. He never got tired of watching Duncan, he could sit on the floor of the dojo and watch him perform his katas for hours, totally content. Lately, he had been getting up early enough to watch Duncan do his morning Tai Chi, and Duncan had begun to teach him the basic movements. He was enjoying it tremendously, his body felt better and more limber than he had in years, and Duncan said that he had a good form already.

"Earth to Professor Sandburg? Is there anybody in there?"

"Oh! Hi, that was great. Sorry," Blair grinned up at him, blushing.

Duncan laughed, giving Blair a hand to his feet.

"How was your afternoon, kiddo?"

"Kinda rough, lets go upstairs, I'll tell you about it."

"Okay, I'll meet you up there, I need to clean up here first."

"Okay, handsome, I'll start dinner," Blair gave Duncan a brilliant smile, raking his eyes once more down his chest before heading for the elevator.

By the time Duncan met him upstairs Blair had water boiling and Joe's blues cd in Duncan's player.

"Hi, what are we eating?"

"Mac and cheese?"

"Run that by me again?"

Blair laughed, "You give new meaning to the words 'generation gap' Duncan, I love you. Macaroni and cheese. You know, Kraft, in the blue box? Really annoying little kid on the commercials says it backwards?"

"Sorry, kiddo, you've lost me."

"That's okay, it'll be a cultural experience, alright? I'm not really up to doing dinner tonight, and it's easy, and it's one of those 'comfort food' things."

"Okay, I'm warned, I'll eat the blue box. Wanna tell me about it?"

"Yeah, I do, gimme a minute," Blair was straining the pasta at the sink. When he had combined the butter, milk and bright orange powder and turned off the burner he smiled up at Duncan. "You know, you really are a good sport. I promise I'll make you a casserole tomorrow to make up for this."

"It looks edible. What do you drink with that? Beer?"

"Milk."

Duncan poured Blair a glass of milk, getting ice water for himself and joining him at the counter.

"This isn't that bad."

"Really?"

"Well, it's better than Army food."

"I'm sorry. I could make you something else."

"No, I'm just teasing. What happened today? You're all wound up."

"Jim called. It was good, I think."

Duncan reached for Blair's hand across the counter, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, kinda shaky and stressed, but not bad, for me," Blair grinned at Duncan, squeezing his hand reassuringly.

"How's he doing?"

"I don't know, not so good. He was pretty upset, but I think we're going to try to work this out. I don't know, am I doing the right thing, Duncan? I want to help him, but it seems like talking to me is really rough on him. I think he finally realized what was going on between us all that time... He apologized, a lot. Jim never apologizes. It was weird. It was really hard to tell him no."

"Apologized?"

"Yeah, he did. Of course, he also said he'd kill you next time you jumped him..." Blair shrugged it off, although Jim had sounded deadly serious.

"Well, that's nice. He's welcome to try," Duncan gave a wry grin.

"Duncan, please man, no macho crap, okay? I'm trying really hard to deal with this whole situation rationally."

"I'm sorry, you're right. I don't want to add to the problem, kiddo."

"I really appreciate that, Duncan. I mean it, you're the best. I know he seems like an asshole, but he's not, well, not all the time. He's having a really rough time, I think it's just about as bad as when he first got his senses back. He's really mixed up."

Duncan thought about what it was like when he died the first time, and how crazy he'd been until Conner found him. "I believe you. Besides, if you care about him, he has to have some good qualities."

"Actually, you guys have a lot in common."

Duncan held his hands up defensively, "Please, kiddo, that's a little farther than I'm ready to go. I'm willing to admit he might not be a total jerk, but I don't think I want to know all the things we have in common."

Blair took a deep breath, "Okay, but we're all going to work on this. We're going to find some common ground, and we're going to deal. I need you to do this for me, Duncan."

Duncan smiled, knowing that he couldn't refuse Blair anything. Resolution was always better than conflict, and Blair was more important than his anger. "I don't want to cause you any more stress, kiddo. I promise to keep an open mind about Jim, and try my best to get over what happened. It's not going to be easy to get the picture of him trying to strangle you out of my head, but I think I can promise you no more violence. As long as he can."

Blair beamed at Duncan, going back to his dinner with much more enthusiasm.

"Thank you. You're awesome. I love you so much, Duncan."

"You're welcome, and I think you're pretty 'awesome' yourself," Duncan smiled and made quote marks with his fingers as he spoke.

"Can I put off unpacking until tomorrow?" Blair looked around the loft at the neat piles of his stuff.

"Of course you can. If you want to store any of it, there's plenty of space."

"That's cool. Most of it's junk, anyway."

"You know you can do anything you want to the loft, right? Put whatever you want on the walls, rearrange..."

"I knew you'd say that. Actually, I love it just the way it is, but I promise, you'll know I live here. I can't take two steps without making some kind of clutter. It's basically a love me, love my mess situation."

Duncan laughed, "I'll love your clutter."

Three Little Birds

Part 12

By Zen&nancy

Jim Ellison sat on his couch, one hand held his throbbing head, the other clutched a cup of coffee. He thought he might be getting used to the hangovers, although the vertigo sucked. He was staring at the phone, the real enemy. He had to call Sandburg today, he didn't have any choice. If he didn't, Simon was going to make this 'temporary' thing permanent, and there would be no going back from that.

Of course, there was always the last option. Simon had taken the Glock, and his spare clips and ammo, but he hadn't thought to ask for the holdout SigP230 that Jim wore in an ankle holster at work. At the loft, he left it under his pillow, loaded but with the safety on. It was a habit he'd taken with him out of the jungle, sleeping with his weapon right above his head.

Jim's wavering vision wandered across the coffee table, from the black blur of the cordless to the clear whiskey bottle with it's black label. There was about an inch of amber liquid left in the bottle.

Blair had called last night, when he was about half way through the bottle. He'd been sitting on the floor in Blair's old room, humming the melody of a song he remembered Blair playing over and over again after Incacha died. The feel of Blair was gone from the bare room, nothing here reminded him of his Guide, but he drank here anyway, seeking comfort.

At first he'd avoided the room completely. The anger that carried him through the first few weeks after Blair left kept him from even checking to see if Sandburg had taken all of his stuff, or if he'd left anything behind. The first four weeks had been occupied with a series of cases that demanded all his time and attention. He'd spent more time in the truck on stake outs than at the loft. When the zone outs started he'd started to think that maybe Sandburg really wasn't going to just come home, and he'd started sleeping on the floor in Blair's room. He told himself it was because it was safer than dealing with the flight of stairs with his senses going haywire, and it was closer to the bathroom.

Hearing his Guide's voice in the loft again was almost too much for him. He'd stayed on the floor, tuning in his hearing until he could hear Blair swallow, and the accelerated beat of his heart. Blair was talking to him urgently in his 'Guide voice', telling him that he wouldn't go away until Jim picked up the phone. The need to have Blair here with him, that very minute, was overpowering. He was so fucked up, and so miserable. Jim wanted to pick up the phone and beg Blair to help him, to tell him the truth. Anger intervened, coming to his ego's rescue and pushing him a step farther down the path of self destruction.

He'd stumbled into the living room, picked up the phone and told Blair to leave him the fuck alone. It was the right thing to do, Jim's intoxicated defense mechanism said, the only way to avoid the kind of pain that could only be turned off with a bullet in the brain.

The silence that followed was the loudest he had ever heard. It assaulted his ears, painful and deafening, until he couldn't imagine ever hearing anything again. He couldn't hear anything, not the water in the pipes or the refrigerator's hum or the traffic outside.

He spent the remainder of the night sucking on the whiskey bottle, wandering aimlessly around the loft and staring blankly out the windows. His distorted vision threw his reflection back at him in the glass, like a funhouse mirror at a carnival, and Jim turned away, afraid to face the ugly truth.

This morning he could hear again, but his sense of taste and touch were gone completely. It made him feel very strange, to wrap his hand firmly around the coffee mug and lift it to his lips without feeling it at all. He'd already broken one, the pieces of blue ceramic mug were scattered across the counter and the kitchen floor. It felt almost as if he was already dead, and someone had forgotten to tell his vital organs. All automatic functions went on unperturbed, but life had stopped, and now he was wandering around, lost in hell.

In the jungle, after the crash, he'd relied on the company of the animals, eating and drinking when they did, and did his best to keep track of the seasons and the cycles of the moon. Here there were no natural forces to help Guide him when he could no longer trust his senses, or when they left him entirely. Here there was only the artificial company of the television, and the respite from confusion to be gained with Jack Daniels. Drunk, it didn't really matter if his reflection in the bathroom mirror had a big black circle in the middle of it, or if he couldn't feel or taste the whiskey as it slid down his throat.

He'd been drunk since he'd gotten back from Seacouver. Simon had come, and yelled and demanded and pleaded until finally, enraged by Jim's indifference, he'd informed Jim of his temporary suspension, took his gun and his badge, and left. It had been the breaking point for him, the point where he'd crossed the line, and stopped even considering the possibility that he was going to be able to make it on his own. Now he just hoped for the worst, without actually pursuing it beyond getting blind drunk and staying that way. His wish was that drunk and anesthetized, he would fade off on one of his flickering senses, and this time the zone would just put him out of his misery.

It didn't happen, the phone kept interrupting him. First Simon, and then Blair, pulling him back from the painless nothingness. He'd fallen asleep on the floor in Blair's room, and dreamt about his Guide. It had been a very strange dream. He was back in the jungle, but everything there had changed, the animals were all gone, everything was silent.

He'd trudged through the silent jungle and come to a clearing, where he found the dead carcass of a panther, his stomach ripped open by the vultures and the coyotes. Jim had tried to dig a hole to bury the animal. He didn't want its eyes plucked out by the birds and its bones left to whiten in the air.

When he'd tried to dig in the dirt with his hands, Blair had appeared at his side, telling him that if he wanted to bury the panther he had to dig his own hole first... and then he was gone and Jim was in a cold, dark room with metal walls and no windows, like some kind of strange prison cell. There was something wrapped around his eyes, and his ears and mouth and nostrils were full of mud.

That was all he could remember, although he knew that there was more. Something about the dream stayed with him, he turned it around and around in his head, trying to understand. He had tried to dig in the dirt, but the soil was like concrete, he couldn't even make a scratch in the black dirt, which looked soft and loamy, covered with long grasses.

He'd woken up freaked out as all hell, sweating and shivering. He'd almost called Blair back. His Guide had always been fascinated by his dreams, especially the ones in which the big black cat Blair called his spirit Guide appeared. Fear stopped him. He knew what Blair would say about the hole, and that scared the shit out of him. As for the blindfold, well, he didn't need any new age dream interpretation to figure that one out, either. In any case, he intended to avoid discussing his feelings with Blair at all costs.

Jim shook his head, gulping the rest of the tasteless coffee. Setting the cup down very carefully, Jim got up, making his way slowly to the sliding glass door. His vision was unreliable, everything's edges were fuzzy, and if he turned his head he would get distracted by the trails of light. Losing his sense of touch was the strangest though, it made him feel as though he was lost inside his own body.

Jim went out onto the balcony, but the afternoon sunshine didn't change anything. He couldn't feel the fresh air or the warmth of the sun on his skin, he couldn't smell the water or feel the wind that came in off the sound. He stayed out there anyway, sitting down with his legs stretched out in front of him, his back against the wall. He had always loved it here, the view had always calmed him, put his day back in perspective. He and Blair often came out here when they first got home from the station, to have a beer and to talk. They had an unspoken agreement that this was a no-fighting zone, where they could talk about things that weren't easy to say. Especially about the bad cases, and things they didn't like to think about.

Jim's lips curved painfully into a smile, remembering Blair standing on the balcony laughing, his hair blowing in the wind. He'd told him a dirty joke, he couldn't remember it now, only his friends blushing face, and his laughter. Life with Blair had been so easy, almost ideal. Jim had thought about that a great deal over the last few weeks, and he was starting to realize just how hard Blair had worked at making it easy, making him happy.

Blair followed all his rules, took more shit from him than anyone had ever put up with before, and did his best to give Jim his privacy and make his life easy. He cooked, his did the grocery shopping, he took out the garbage, he remembered things like buying light bulbs and baking soda for the refrigerator so that Jim didn't have to, and he did it all without making a big deal out of it. Of course, Jim had paid all the bills, but he'd been doing that before Blair moved in, and Sandburg bought the groceries, so it wasn't really like it was costing Jim anything to let him live there.

Jim thought about the apartment he'd broken into in Cascade. It was small, and dark, and it hadn't felt like Blair at all. He wasn't even sure he'd found the right window to crawl through until he looked at the junk mail on the counter top in the kitchen. Almost all of Blair's things were still packed in boxes, stacked against the wall in the dining room, and another two that had been opened in the living room near the windows.

His hopes had soared when he first saw the place, if Sandburg hadn't even unpacked, then he couldn't be as happy or as deeply rooted there as he'd insisted he was. His hopes had been shot down when MacLeod had strolled in right behind SanDburg, his hand going to Blair's shoulder at the first sight of Jim.

Blair had looked different, although he couldn't say exactly how. More confident, more sure of himself. Blair had never really been comfortable at the station, in spite of making friends with almost everyone they worked with. He was always very conscious of his status as 'hippie tagalong', as he was sure the other cops saw their partnership. The reality was that when Blair was on a case with him, he worked just as hard as Jim did, and backed him up in every way, with the exception of carrying a gun.

Not having Blair around had proved to be annoying, and then difficult, and then almost impossible. The longer he was separated from his Guide, the worse his senses got, until he couldn't get through the day without zoning or coming dangerously close. Simon had caught him more than once. The last time, he'd lost it at a crime scene, and it had taken almost twenty minutes for Simon to bring him back. Simon had chained him to his desk after that, and after a week of having him around, demanded that he go to Seacouver and talk to Blair.

If he'd had any idea at all what was waiting for him, he never would have gone. Seeing Blair with that asshole had been really hard to take. All his instincts told him to just pick his Guide up, throw him in the truck and take him back, before the relationship got any more serious. Jim sighed, he supposed he was a little late. Who the hell did MacLeod think he was? Just the thought of him made Jim angry enough to want to break something. But what was the point? Blair wasn't going to care, it wasn't going to matter to him if he trashed the loft or not. Blair thought he was repressed and anal and hung up and controlling and an asshole... and he was probably right on all counts.

Jim sighed. Okay, Blair, so I'm an asshole. Why the hell did I hit you, partner? God, I wish I could take it back... You're the last person on the planet I want to hurt, Blair. I miss you so much, Chief. I miss everything about life before you left. If you knew, that you were right about everything, would you come back? Jim shook his head disparagingly. He wasn't at all sure he would be okay with that idea, but he supposed it didn't matter. Blair had MacLeod, and it wasn't going to make any difference to him to know he was right. Jim decided he was fucked any way he looked at it.

What was their relationship like, Jim wondered. From what he had seen, Duncan made Blair really happy. Then again, he also acted like Blair was his personal property. Jim realized that was exactly what he'd done for four years. Had Blair been happy living with him? Jim had thought he was. Then again, he'd also been sure that Blair would be more than willing to come home with him.

Why had he been so hard? Such a hard ass, always keeping Blair at arm's length, never letting him in. He always shut people out, kept himself closed up inside. He'd done it with Caroline, and in every relationship he'd ever had. Jim thought bitterly that maybe he was following in his father's footsteps after all, although all his life he'd been determined not to. Blair was a little more important than a failed marriage, though, Blair was his Guide. Jim had learned exactly how unlivable life for a Sentinel without a Guide was. It was hell. Every minute he spent alone in the loft grated on his nerves, and every day got harder to face.

It didn't feel good to compare Blair to Caroline, it was something that he was trying not to have to think about. Jim knew, even if he didn't want to admit it to himself, that Blair's throwing himself on him that night shouldn't have been that much of a surprise. Somewhere in his head, he'd been aware of the way Blair looked at him, the way he smiled at him. It was something that pleased him, but not something that he let himself actually think about. It had been suggested to him by more than one person that Blair had a crush on him, or at least a serious case of hero worship. It fed his ego, made him feel secure in the relationship that was most important to him, but still he laughed it off, and didn't let himself really think about it.

Jim didn't think of himself as a bigot, as far as homosexuals were concerned. He'd always thought that whatever they wanted to do was fine with him, as long as they weren't trying to hit on him. But, having a live and let live attitude was one thing, and having your best friend stick his tongue down your throat was another thing completely. Blair had shocked the hell out of him, he didn't even know where all that anger had come from. All he could remember was being totally freaked out that Blair had kissed him. Jim never would have thought himself capable of hitting Blair, but he had.

Twice now. What'd happened in Seacouver, now that was just insanity. Jim didn't even want to think about it. He knew that he'd fucked up, and that it was extremely unlikely that he was going to get his old life back. He also realized that Blair was his only hope for keeping his sanity. Jim never questioned it. Blair always seemed to know instinctively what to do with the Sentinel thing, he Guided him without even trying. Just his voice, telling him to relax, to concentrate, was enough to help him tune everything else out and focus on the sense he needed to control. Blair's presence balanced him, and gave him the security to use his senses on the job. He could do his thing, and know with absolute certainty that if he screwed up, and zoned, Blair would bring him back. It was so much more than just that, though, he needed Blair in ways he couldn't even explain to himself. Somehow, Blair bridged the gap between the man who had survived in the jungle and the Sentinel of the great city he tried to be.

He was going to have to call him, there was no getting around it. The longer he waited the more difficult it seemed. He didn't know what the hell to say. Jim got to his feet, going back inside. The lack of his sense of touch made him stumble. Unable to feel the floor beneath his feet he was overwhelmed by dizziness. He hurtled himself into his chair, picking up the phone and laying it in his lap.

He only had another hour before Blair would be gone for the day. Assuming his class schedule hadn't changed since last week, it was very likely that he was sitting at his desk grading papers right now.

"Ah, shit," Jim murmured softly, pressing the button on the cordless to turn it on.

He didn't know what he was going to say, he wouldn't be surprised if Blair hung up on him. God knew he had enough reasons to.

"Blair Sandburg."

He'd picked it up after the first ring. Jim made himself say something, afraid that Blair would hang up if he didn't.

"Chief... It's me. Can we talk?"

"That'd be good Jim. Are you okay?"

Okay? Was he nuts? Blair sounded so worried...

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Look, Blair, I wanna apologize..."

Jim swallowed hard, trying to find the words for how bad he felt for hitting his Guide.

"Whatever? 'Whatever' is not an answer, Jim. Are you okay?"

Jim covered his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He didn't know what to say. Of course he wasn't okay, it was a ridiculous question, but he had no idea where to start. He decided honesty was the best thing. If Sandburg really wanted to hear about he'd drag it out of him anyway, that was for sure.

"No."

"Okay, just relax, I want you to tell me everything that's happened with your senses since I left, in chronological order if you can."

His Guide's familiar voice seemed to penetrate the fog his senses had him spinning in. Jim realized that his sense of touch had returned, he could feel the phone he was holding now. What he was asking for was a very long list. What did his Guide want, a computer print out of his brain activity for the last three months? Blair always seemed to think that he could just spit this stuff out. Jim tried to remember the first zone out, but he couldn't. His senses had been so messed up since the fight with Duncan in Blair's apartment that he couldn't even remember what it was like to have them working right anymore, but he was afraid to tell Blair that.

"Look, Blair, that could take all day. I haven't really been keeping track..."

"Can you tell me the last time you remember everything working without any problems was?"

Jim shut his eyes tight, pressing his fingers over the lids. Well, that was why he was the Guide. Blair could take him apart with a few carefully worded questions. He knew exactly how to read him, listening for what Jim didn't say, and zeroing in on the slightest nuance. Sometimes Jim just thought he was psychic, plain and simple. Maybe it was just a Guide thing, because Blair understood better than anyone else ever had.

Jim gave in, admitting the truth unhappily. "No, I don't remember. Look, Chief, about what happened when I was down there, I want to say I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I never should've hit you. I don't know what happened, I just reacted..." Jim realized what he was saying and snapped his mouth shut.

"Yeah, well, I think I kinda asked for it. Jim, we really do need to talk, not just about your senses... We need to talk about us, and why you reacted the way you did."

His chest constricted until a harsh laugh forced it's way out of him. Blair would never bullshit him, he would zone in on the truth, and drag Jim through it until he was sure he had all the available information. Jim had always thought it was about the dissertation, and Blair's endless notes, but now here he was, forcing the truth out him, when Jim had fucked it all up so badly that it didn't even matter any more.

"Chief, do me a favor? Don't tell me I'm repressed again, okay? I don't think I can handle hearing it from you. I've got that much figured out by now."

It was the hardest thing he'd ever said, but he couldn't deny it, and he didn't want to talk about it.

"Ah, Jim, man, this is like, so hard... I don't even know where to start. Simon said..."

"Simon can fuck off." He bit the inside of his cheek, forcing himself to reign in his anger. None of this was Blair's fault.

"He took your gun?"

Jim smiled, even though it hurt, "Sandburg, you're not supposed to be able to read my mind from two hundred miles away."

"He called... He told me..." Blair's voice was small.

"What did he tell you?"

The last thing he needed was Simon going behind his back to Blair. He didn't like the idea of Sandburg hearing about how messed up he was, it hurt his pride, and it made it even harder to ask Blair for his help.

"He told me that you've been drinking a lot, and that you've been zoning so much that he had to relieve you of active duty. Jim, that is like, so dangerous. You've got to get some help."

No shit, Sherlock. What the hell did Blair think he was trying to do when he went all the way down to Seacouver to talk to him? If it hadn't been for Duncan MacLeod, it might have worked. Blair telling him that he needed to get some help was a joke. What the hell was he supposed to do, go to the Guide guild and apply for a new one?

"What the hell do you think I'm trying to do, Sandburg? Except your boyfriend tried to take me out with his bare hands. What is he, ex-marine?"

"He was trying to protect me."

Rage exploded inside him. Protect him? MacLeod had gone a little farther than defending Blair. Jim knew a man who was enjoying a fight when he saw one. That bastard had made getting back to Cascade a six hour nightmare. He'd also taken his Guide away from him. Jim was sure that if it weren't for Duncan MacLeod, Blair would have been willing to come back home with him.

"Next time I'll kill him, I swear to God."

"Jim! Rage is not going to solve anything. Duncan is the least of your problems, okay? Could we try to focus on something positive here?"

Yelling at Blair was not the point of this phone call. Jim tried to get a handle on his emotions, but they were almost as out of control as his senses.

"Blair, please, come home."

He blurted the words out before he could stop himself, his hand curling around the receiver until his knuckles turned white.

"I can't do that Jim, I'm sorry."

"I need your help, Blair. I need you. You're the only one who can help me," Jim held his breath, praying for redemption.

"I'm sorry, Jim, I can't. This is home, this is where I have to be. I want to help you, Big Guy, but you're going to have to be willing to help yourself."

He didn't want to help himself, he wanted his Guide back.

"Blair, please. If you'll come back, I'll do anything, whatever you want, whatever he gives you, I can. I need you, Chief, I'm not making it here."

He'd told Blair the truth, probably for the first time. The words spilled out of him without any kind of warning, he just knew that he needed his Guide, desperately, and that he would do anything to get him back.

"Oh God, Jim, please, don't do this to me. You can't even accept the fact that I'm gay, you kicked me out. You can't give me what Duncan does, you can't love me..."

"Yes, I can! I do... I always have, Chief. I just didn't want to see it for what it was." Oh God, he'd said it. Jim felt his stomach turn over, sick with fear. "God, Blair, please come home. It's so damn quiet here, it's driving me crazy."

"I can't come back, Jim, but I can try to help you. Will you let me?"

When he'd woken up this morning he'd been sure that life couldn't get any worse, but he'd been wrong. Was this what it felt like, to have the one thing you needed to live held in front of your eyes, and then taken away again? Jim felt a sob trying to build in his chest, which expanded into a state of panic, determined to contain it. He bit his lip, and took a deep, shakey breath. Even if he had just begged Blair, and made more of a fool of himself than he ever had before in his life, he wasn't going to let him hear how bad it hurt. Jim took another deep breath, and pushed the pain down as hard as he could, picturing it sinking safely to the center of his body.

Finally, when he was sure he could talk, he said "Yes," because he knew it was what his Guide wanted to hear. The very last thing he wanted to do was cause Blair any more pain.

"Jim, I'm so sorry..."

"Don't," Jim ground out, wrapping his arms around himself, his head bent to press the phone tightly to his shoulder. He didn't want Blair to know he was falling apart, but he was afraid of the moment he knew was coming... when Blair would say goodbye, when he would be alone with the truth. He wanted to put it off as long as possible, no matter how painful it was.

"Blair, why is he so important?"

Blair's answer came immediately, "I love him, Jim."

"Why?" He just had to know. He knew it wouldn't make any difference, wouldn't bring Blair back, but he had to know anyway.

"I don't know, because he's good to me, he makes me feel wanted, he loves me back... He's what I've always wanted, someone who really understands me."

Blair hadn't known, all these years, how much Jim needed him? That he was wanted? Well, of course he hadn't, he was such a God damn hard ass he never said the things that were really important, which basically just meant he was a coward... Jim knew that it was true. He'd never made the effort to get to know Blair the way Blair knew him. He'd always told himself that it was who Blair was, an anthropologist, that was what he did. Pick apart people's lives and draw conclusions, and besides, he was the subject, and Blair was the scientist... But in the end he knew that it was really selfishness, and a fear of getting too close, that had kept him from making the effort to know his Guide as well as Blair knew him. Now he was going to pay for it, for the rest of his life.

"There's no way I'm going to get you back, is there?"

"No, I'm sorry. But Jim, that doesn't mean I don't want to help you, or that I don't want to be your friend, I do, but you have to meet me halfway here buddy."

Meet him halfway. Wasn't that all Blair had ever asked of him? How many times had he refused, and forced his Guide to come all the way across to his side of whatever they were at odds about? How many times had he refused this offer? He'd never had the courage before. It was the only way he could feel safe, to know that it was always 'his way or the highway' and that Blair would accept that unconditionally. It made him feel like he was in control of the situation, which he'd needed, desperately, if he was going to put his life into someone else's hands. Now that his pride and his lack of trust had caused him to lose everything, and it didn't matter anymore. Jim vowed that he would never refuse to meet Blair halfway again. He would do anything Blair asked of him, for as long as he survived. He didn't think it would be very long, so it was an easy vow to make. Now that it didn't matter anymore, he could tell Blair the truth, and not care about the consequences.

"I can do that. Blair, you have no idea how sorry I was that I told you to leave that night... I was sorry as soon as you left. I wanted to tell you to come back, I watched you drive away. I was an asshole. Can you forgive me?"

He was asking for forgiveness for everything, not just for that one night when he'd gotten scared and pissed and screwed up everything. He was asking forgiveness for four years of not giving Blair the credit and the thanks he deserved. For not having the guts to put his Guide and their bond first. Instead he worried about what other people would think and what it would make him, to admit that he loved another man. If he couldn't hope for redemption, he wanted forgiveness. He wanted Blair to know, at least, how sorry he was.

"Yeah, of course I can, man. I love you, I always will. You're my Blessed Protector."

It was comforting, to know that Blair forgave him, it made the inevitably of death easier to face. Jim knew he didn't deserve a Guide, didn't deserve to be saved from the things his own actions had forced into being. It was a good thing though, to know that Blair would always remember him. The only thing he didn't want to lose was Blair's respect, everything else could go to hell. He wasn't fit to be a Blessed Protector, but at least he would know that Blair would remember him that way.

"Am I?" he asked softly, letting Blair know that he didn't believe him. He'd hurt his Guide, an unforgivable thing, he'd threatened his life... and it had taken Duncan MacLeod to save him from doing something he never would have been able to live with. "I though MacLeod had taken over that duty."

Blair's next words stabbed straight through his heart, "No, Jim, he's my mate, and I love him more than I ever have anyone on this planet, but you'll always be my Blessed Protector."

"I guess that's good," Jim whispered, not trusting himself to say anything more. If Blair remembered him only as his Blessed Protector, and not all the things he'd done to hurt him, that was the best he could hope for.

"Listen, this is what I want you to do. Stop drinking. Get eight hours sleep. Record everything that happens for twenty-four hours, use a tape recorder if your vision is too messed up to write. I need to know what's going on in your head when your senses act up, and how you react emotionally before and after each episode."

Jim almost said that it didn't matter, he wouldn't be here tomorrow, but he couldn't even think of doing that to his Guide. It was bad enough that Blair would have to deal with it afterwards... His vision was almost completely black now, just a narrow rim of light and shapes around the black circle that made the world look like it had a big whole in the middle of it. Jim thought that if he could hear Blair laugh one more time, he could let go without caring.

"Jesus, Sandburg, why don't you just cut me open and map my brain."

Blair laughed, and Jim smiled in his darkness, cradling the phone close to his cheek.

"Don't offer, man, it'd be fascinating. Seriously, Jim, I need you to do this."

Jim felt a twinge of guilt, but forced himself to answer, telling himself that the best thing he could do was to make this as easy on Blair as possible.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah, okay, I'll do my best." If only his best would be good enough, but it wasn't, so it didn't matter.

"That's really good, Jim. Don't worry, we're going to find a way to get you back online, I promise. Call me tomorrow night, okay? Around eight. Oh, wait, let me give you Duncan's number."

Jim concentrated on Blair's voice, wanting to keep it in his head for as long as possible. The words didn't mean anything, but he wanted to keep his Guide's voice with him.

"You're not going to be home?"

"Um, no, actually, that is home. As of today."

So MacLeod would be with him, when he found out... Jim didn't really want to think about it, but he supposed that was good. Blair shouldn't be alone...

"Oh."

"Jim..."

"Blair, be happy."

"I am." Jim tuned in to Blair's familiar heartbeat hungrily, knowing it was the last time he would hear it. He didn't bother to try to write down or remember the numbers Blair was giving him, he wouldn't be calling them. Blair's heartbeat filled his head, soothing and steady.

Then Blair said goodbye, and Jim sat motionless for a long time in the chair, remembering Blair's voice. He let his mind drift, remembering all the important moments in their four years together as Sentinel and Guide. The night Blair had come to the loft to stay, all the important cases they busted together, all the times Blair had saved his life, and the times he'd saved Blair's. He remembered Naomi in the loft, and how interesting it had been to watch Blair around his Mom.

He remembered the moment of intense relief and thankfulness when he'd pulled Blair off that car and into his arms, holding him safe until the ambulance came, and sitting next to his bed in the hospital, waiting anxiously for the Golden to wear off. It was only two minutes, at the most, that he had squatted on the pavement, holding his Guide tightly to his chest. The whole world had been going crazy around them, but it had felt so damn good, just to hold him, and know he was safe. He thought about coming home to the loft after that undercover work at the prison, and how seeing Blair in the kitchen cooking dinner had erased a week's worth of hell instantly.

He remembered little things, too, pulling back random memories hungrily, wanting to remember every minute with Blair individually before he accepted the unacceptable. He remembered going to the Monastery, and playing basketball with Blair. How his Guide had grinned at him across the court, communicating with his eyes what he wanted Jim to do with the ball. He remembered Blair sitting on the arm of the couch, lecturing him about the difference between a drawl and a twang, and his Guide's fear for him when he went undercover that time. He'd been so relieved when it was all over and he and Jim finally finished the paperwork and went home... He should have seen it then.

Then Jim remembered a night when the Jags game had gone into overtime. Blair, exhausted from one of his typical days of frantically splitting his time between responsibilities at school and at the station with Jim, had fallen asleep next to him on the couch, his head gradually dropping to Jim's shoulder. Jim had sat very still, enjoying the peacefulness of relaxing at home after a long day. The warmth of Blair's sleeping body next to him was a comfort he was so used too that when Blair's head fell to his shoulder he put his arm around his Guide's shoulders to make the weight of his head more comfortable, rather than just waking him up to go to bed.

Jim remembered, vividly, what it had felt like for those few minutes, to sit on the couch with Blair sleeping on his shoulder, no one there to see how happy it made him. Blair had snuggled closer against him when he'd put his arm around his shoulders, and Jim had smiled, thinking that the kid could sleep anywhere. It had felt so right that he'd been sorry when Blair woke up when the game ended, pulling quickly away from the older man. He'd apologized, and stumbled off to bed, muttering about an early class and papers he should have graded.

Jim shook his head, amazed at his own stupidity. How had he missed Blair's feelings for him? Well, that was easy, he'd been afraid to see it for what it was. The kind of bond they'd had... It was more than anything he'd ever had before, and he'd blown it off and taken it for granted and denied it until finally Blair had lost it, and jumped him, and he'd thrown it all away. Why? Was kissing Blair really that disgusting an idea? No, it wasn't, not at all. It was something he'd thought would never, ever, happen, and when it did, he'd been so surprised... Surprised and angry, his conscious reminded him, refusing to let him sugar coat what had happened.

So why had he been so angry? Was it because he was afraid Blair was going to try to do more than kiss him, or was it because he was afraid he'd like it? Jim sighed, leaning forward to curl up over himself. It was stupid to lie to himself, he knew the answer. He'd been afraid that he would like it, and what that would make him. So he hadn't let himself feel it, he'd gone with his instincts, ingrained from years of living in the company of men who would threaten your life if you suggested that they were anything but straight. He'd shoved Blair away from him violently, then grabbed two handfuls of his shirt, yelling in his face and letting the anger cover up his embarrassment.

So it was really cowardice, that had made him react that way... Jim closed his eyes, blocking out the distraction of light, and forced himself to feel the self hatred that welled up inside him. He thought about his life, all the time he had spent alone, in the army, in the jungle, the five years he'd spent trying to learn how to live like a civilian again. Even a cop had to pay lip service and play games and take orders, and that had been hard to learn to live with again after living for so long answering only to his own judgment. The civilized world was full of lies, and people who wasted their lives on nothing more than greed.

He didn't know if he'd done more good than bad in his life, but he hoped he had. It sure as hell hadn't turned out anything like he'd thought it would. He opened his eyes, but he couldn't see anything, just the rim of light around the edges of what should have been his peripheral vision. It made him dizzy, and it was frightening, not being able to see. So much more so than it had been when he'd had Blair here to Guide him. Jim thought about what it would really be like, to spend the rest of his life this way, and knew he didn't even want to try.

Jim decided he didn't to have to think about it anymore, he just wanted to get it over with. He almost laughed at himself, even contemplating the end of his own life, he preferred action to emotion. He though bitterly that whatever had gone wrong with him must have happened a long, long time ago, because it had taken Blair Sandburg to make him see that there was anything wrong at all.

Jim rose from the chair, the forgotten cell phone falling from his lap to the floor. Jim muttered a curse, and bent down to grope for it. His head bumped the coffee table hard as his fingers grasped the antenna of the phone. Straightening up, Jim made his way slowly to the stairs. He couldn't see, but he knew his way around the loft well enough. He went slowly up the stairs, one hand grazing the wall. He was grateful that his sense of touch had come back, otherwise, he wouldn't even be able to do this.

Falling onto the bed, the cell phone tossed beside him and forgotten, Jim groped under the pillow for his gun. He felt a twinge of fear as his hand closed over the grip. He sighed softly, telling himself that this was the best way. He held the gun in his left palm, the fingertips of his other hand moving slowly over the barrel, reading the letters and numbers stamped there, Sigarms P230. He'd had this gun a long time. Jack had been with him when he bought it, right after the back pay from the Army had finally come through. That seemed like a different life entirely. That was someone else.

It was a good gun, extremely reliable. He shot it rarely, except at the range once a month, but it had never jammed on him, not once in ten years. He was glad, now, that he had let Jack talk him into the .380 automatic, a .22 was a far less certain thing under these circumstances. Jim raised the gun slowly to his throat, pressing the muzzle up under his chin. This was a good angle, he'd sever the brainstem instantly, if he had any luck at all. He lowered the gun again, wishing he could see the weapon. He wanted to look at the thing that was going to end his life.

Wrapping his left hand around the grip, Jim cocked the gun, his thumb sliding back along the barrel to ease the safety back. The tiny, familiar click echoed in his ears, as he raised the gun slowly to his mouth. Not under the chin, he didn't want to take the chance of his hand shaking, or screwing this up. Blind, it could happen, he could miss and blow half his face off.

"Please forgive me, God," he whispered softly, and added 'please, forgive me Blair' in his mind.

Jim opened his mouth, tasting metal and cordite and he pushed the short barrel of the compact against the roof of his mouth. He opened his eyes, but saw nothing.

Three Little Birds

Part 13

By Zen&nancy

Blair stood at the sink, washing the pot and the plates from their macaroni and cheese. He felt good, more confident about the phone call with Jim than he'd been all day. He was so glad that he'd talked to Duncan, and that his lover had agreed, albeit reluctantly, to try to make peace with Jim. Now all he had to do was find a way to get the Sentinel back on track. It wasn't going to be easy, getting Jim to talk. Blair was positive that the zone outs were directly related to Jim's inability to deal with his feelings for Blair, and the whole situation.

Reaching for a glass, he froze, a cold, prickly feeling at the back of his neck. Blair shuddered violently, and stood stock still. He was afraid, very afraid, and suddenly disoriented. Where was he? Oh, the loft...Duncan's, not Jim's. Jim.

Blair flew to the phone, his hands shaking as he hurriedly dialed the number.

Duncan was on the couch, reading a magazine. He looked up, concerned, watching Blair pace back and forth, his knuckles white on the phone, the other hand splayed through his hair.

Blair listened to the phone ring, his heart pounding painfully in his chest. One ring, then two. "Comeoncomeoncomeon," he muttered under his breath, praying he was wrong.

Someone picked up the phone.

Silence, nothing. No, he could hear someone breathing.

"Jim! Are you okay? Jim? Please, I had this really, really bad feeling, and I had to call... Jim! talk to me, buddy, please."

"Blair?"

"Jim, are you okay?"

"No, not at all," Jim's voice shook, his finger slid slowly off the trigger to press the decocking button above it.

Blair heard a distinctive click of metal parts on metal, very close to the phone.

"Oh God, oh no. No, I know that sound. Oh God, Jim, please tell me that's not your gun."

Silence.

"Oh my God, oh shit. Jim, put the gun down. Listen to me, Jim, okay? Just keep listening to me." Blair dropped bonelessly to the floor, cradling the phone against his ear with both hands. His voice became deep and calm, the Guide voice that had brought Jim back so many times before. "Okay, Jim, everything's going to be okay, as long as you keep listening to my voice. I'm here, I'm right here. Don't go anywhere on me, Jim, just keep listening to me. Did you put the gun down?"

"Yes." Blair heard the whisper, and the relief hit him so hard he was speechless for a moment. He could see Duncan, staring at him in shock.

"That's good, Jim, that's really good. You have to stay with me, buddy, okay? Concentrate on my voice. Can you tell me what happened?"

"No," Jim whispered in a broken voice.

"Are your senses messed up Jim?"

"Yeah."

"Bad?"

"Yeah."

"Tell me, Jim, tell me what's not working."

"I can't see. I can't smell. I can't taste. Everything comes and goes. Blair, I don't wanna be here..."

Blair felt tears sting his eyes and brushed them away impatiently. "Yes you do, buddy, we just have to make it work again. We're gonna do that, Jim. Everything's going to be okay. Jim, I need you to do something for me, can you?"

"I don't know."

"I need you to give me your word, I need to be able to trust you, buddy. I'm going to leave right now, Jim, and get in my car and come to you, but I need you to promise me that you'll be there when I get there, okay?"

"What do you want me to do?"

He sounded so confused, in pain. Blair forced himself to breath evenly, fighting down the panic and keeping his voice low and calm.

"I don't want you to do anything at all, stay exactly where you are. Where are you?"

"Bed."

"Okay, not so good... Okay, Jim, this is what I need you to do, don't touch the gun again. Go downstairs, turn the T.V. on, CNN, okay? I want you to sit on the couch, and listen to the television, okay? Listen to the T.V. and don't let yourself zone. I'll be there as soon as I possibly can, but it's going to be a long time. Stay on the couch, don't go anywhere. Just wait for me. Can you do that for me, Jim? For Blair?"

"Yes."

"Promise me, Jim. Tell me what you're going to do until I get there."

"Watch T.V."

"Okay, good. Where's the gun?"

"I don't know."

"That's okay, that's okay. You don't have to look for it. You don't need it, okay, Jim? Just leave it, I'll be there soon."

"Blair?"

"What is it, Jim?"

"I need you."

"I know, big guy, I know. I'll be there soon, Jim."

Out of the corner of his eye Blair could see Duncan, shaking his head no. He looked both worried and angry. Well, Duncan was going to have to understand. Blair told himself he'd deal with it in a minute, held one pleading finger up to Duncan and crooned softly into the phone, "Let's go downstairs now Jim, okay? Can you stand up? Be careful."

Blair listened carefully, and heard Jim's steps on the stairs. "Good, okay, everything's okay. Just sit down on the couch, now. Is the remote on the coffee table?" Blair waited, encouraging Jim in his mind. Come on, partner, work with me here, we're gonna get you out of this, I promise. Please, Jim, oh God, please don't die on me.

"Yeah, it's here."

"Good, okay, turn it on. Can you hear it?" Blair pictured Jim, sitting blind on the couch, listening to the muted television.

"Yeah. Sports."

"Okay, that's great, Jim. I'm proud of you buddy. Now you're going to stay right there, and just listen to the T.V. I don't want you to worry about anything, and no matter what, don't go anywhere, okay? 'Cause I'll be there soon and we'll work on this together, okay?"

"Okay."

Jim's voice was emotionless, but Blair decided it that this was the best he could hope for, and that it was reasonably safe to hang up the phone.

"Okay, I'll be there soon, buddy. Maybe five hours..."

"Okay."

"Don't worry, Jim, I'm on my way."

Blair hung up the phone, after he was sure Jim didn't have anything else to say. He looked at Duncan and realized this was not going to be easy.

"Blair..." Duncan sounded like he was prepared to be very stubborn.

"No. Listen to me," Blair's voice was harsher than he meant it to be. "He needs me. I'm going. I'll be back as soon as I can."

"No way, I'm going with you. Blair, you should call someone, let someone whose there help him. If he's suicidal, it may be too late by the time we get there..."

"Would you fucking listen to me! He's zoning. He needs me. If I sent cops and the EMS over there now, he's gonna freak, and I'm never going to get him back."

Blair went to where Duncan was standing, and put his hands on his shoulders, "I'm sorry. Please, Duncan, you have to trust me. I don't have time to argue."

"Then I'm going with you."

"Oh no, that's not going to work. He sees you and God knows what'll happen. I'm the Guide. I can help him, but not with you there making him flip."

"Blair, wait," Duncan grabbed his wallet and keys and coat, hurrying to keep up with Blair, who was stuffing clothes into his backpack. "We can talk about it on the way, okay? You are in no shape to make a five hour drive. Let me drive, we'll talk about this in the car, alright?"

"Ah, fuck. Okay, you're right, but we're leaving now. Let's go."

Part 14

By Zen&nancy

Blair watched the white lines on the highway, willing the T-bird to go faster.

"We're doing eighty, Blair," Duncan's voice was gentle. They had been alternately arguing and comforting each other's fears since they'd got on the road.

"I'm sorry," Blair realized that he was sitting on the edge of the seat again, his feet braced on the floor, as if he could make the car go faster by will alone.

"We're about halfway there, kiddo. Hang in there, okay?"

"I'm trying. Look, Duncan, I'm really sorry I yelled at you, I know you're just trying to protect me, but I really need to deal with him alone."

Duncan sighed, his grip tightening on the steering wheel. "Blair, we've been discussing this for over an hour. He's suicidal. He has a gun. What if he decides he wants to take you with him? I can't deal with that, Caro."

Blair reached for Duncan's hand, holding on tight. "That's not going to happen, buddy. He's not going to hurt me this time, Duncan, I promise. You gotta trust me, man."

"I trust you kiddo, I don't trust him."

"If you trust me then you don't have to trust him. Please, Duncan, I have to do this alone."

Duncan frowned, not at all happy about the idea of Blair going to see Jim alone.

Blair shifted, sitting sideways to look at Duncan in the dark. "Look, you took the cell phone, right? What if I call you as soon as soon as I get upstairs and let you know I'm okay?"

"Will you leave the phone off the hook? At least that way I can hear you if you call for help."

Blair thought about it, and decided it was the best compromise they were going to reach.

"Okay, that sounds like a plan. Now I want you to promise me that you'll only come storming up there if I'm really in trouble. Which is not going to happen, okay? I'm going to talk to him, that's all."

Duncan sighed, "Alright, I promise."

Blair leaned the back of his head against the window, the cold glass felt good. He was trying to keep it together, trying not to panic. He kept telling himself that he had to stay calm and centered so that he would be able to help Jim, but the truth was that he was scared shitless, and about two breaths away from a panic attack.

Duncan broke the silence, "Blair, are you sure you don't want to call Simon first? I'd feel a lot better if you let someone else go up there first... Just in case..."

"In case he's dead?"

"Yes," Duncan's voice was very gentle.

"He's not gonna die! I'm not going to let him."

Blair turned away from Duncan, staring out the window.

"Blair..."

"What?" Blair asked softly, already sorry for snapping at Duncan.

"What do you think you're going to find when you get there?"

"Jim. Sitting on the couch, watching t.v."

Duncan looked over at his lover, trying to see him in the dark. "I hope you're right, kiddo."

"I know it seems like I'm being overly optimistic here, Duncan, and don't get me wrong, this is worse than I ever imagined it could get... But I know he's going to be alive when I get there. Zoned, maybe,which could be worse..." Blair's voice trailed off, and then came back stronger, "He had that damn thing to his head, I know he did. I can see it. He went upstairs and sat on his fucking bed and picked up the holdout he keeps under his pillow and he cocked it and put it to his head like it was nothing at all. Somehow he decided it was the right thing to do, and he's so fucking brave he just walked upstairs and did it. But I stopped him, Duncan. I felt it, and I got to him in time. He wasn't in there or anything, nobody home, right there on the edge of a zone, but he listened to me. He's not gonna do that to me now, not when he knows I'm on the way. He'll do exactly what I tell him, even if it kills him. That's what I'm really scared of. What if he can't keep himself from zoning? He's already lost the majority of his senses. I really don't want to think about a five hour zone out, or how the fuck I'm gonna get him back. If I get him back."

Duncan nodded slowly, listening to the rising and falling hope and anxiety in Blair's voice. Blair had scared the hell out of him tonight. When he realized what was happening on the other end of that phone call a cold, foreboding feeling settled in his stomach. He'd watched as Blair slowly became someone else in front of his eyes. Jim's Guide. Even his voice was different, not hypnotic, but totally focussed, drawing you in. The absolute calm and confidence Blair exuded while he was on the phone amazed Duncan. Watching Blair guide Jim fascinated him, and terrified him, too. This was who Blair really was, a Guide, an essential part of Jim Ellison's life, and he'd taken it away. Well, Jim had lost Blair all by himself, but Duncan had no illusions about what Blair's decision would have been if Jim had asked him to come back a few weeks earlier.

He wouldn't let himself say anything to Blair, his lover was holding off panic by will alone, and he wouldn't give him anything else to worry about. It wasn't easy. He was sure that Jim would want Blair to stay, and he wasn't at all sure that Blair would refuse this time, or even that he should. Duncan knew that he would just have to wait and see what happened when they got there. He'd take Blair to Jim, and be there if he needed him. That was all he could do.

Blair sat cross legged, rocking slightly back and forth. He kept telling himself over and over again that it would be okay, that no matter what condition he found Jim in, he'd find a way to get him back. He looked over at his lover. Duncan's attention was on the road, he'd kept the T-Bird in fifth gear since they'd got on the highway in Seacouver. Duncan wasn't yelling at him, he wasn't telling him what to do, and he wasn't begging him not to go to Jim. He was sitting right next to him, calmly making sure that Blair got to Jim as safely and as quickly as possible.

"You know what?"

"What?"

"I'm totally fucking ungrateful. I love you sooo much. Thank you, Duncan."

Duncan reached for Blair's hand, taking it in his and moving it to rest on his thigh. "For what, kiddo?"

"For taking me to him. I can't imagine anyone else doing this. Not after what happened."

"You're his Guide."

"I know, but the fact that you'll accept that blows my mind, man. You are way more than I deserve, you know that?"

"Oh no," Duncan murmured gently, squeezing Blair's hand. "I'm just grateful that I found you, and that I had the chance to love you."

"And if I'm lucky, you won't stop till I'm dead."

Blair thought about how wonderful that would be, if Duncan MacLeod loved him his whole life, if he could really have this one stable, certain thing.

"I won't, Blair, no matter what. I'll love you forever, no matter where you are or what you do, I'll still love you. I want you to know that, Caro."

"Duncan, are you worried that I'm gonna leave you? Don't you get it, handsome? You're my mate, I wanna grow old with you. I want to be with you every day for the rest of my life. Even if someday people do start thinking you're my son."

Duncan laughed, relieved and reassured, "No, they'll think I'm your houseboy, professor, and that's just fine with me."

Blair chuckled, "Doesn't sound bad too me either, handsome."

"You know, if you need to stay there for a few days, that's okay."

"Yeah, I don't know, I don't really have a plan or anything. First I have to figure out exactly what made him decide that turning his lights out was the right thing to do, man."

Duncan had never heard his lover more upset, not even when he'd had his ribs cracked. "Have you thought about what you're going to do about the gun?"

"Yeah, take the bullets out of the clip and make damn sure he doesn't have any more."

"Are you going to tell his boss?"

"Simon? I suppose I'm gonna have to, but man, I am not looking forward to it."

"We're almost there... Are you still sure you want to do this all by yourself?" Duncan knew he shouldn't ask again, but he wasn't at all happy about letting Blair go up to Jim's apartment alone.

"I have to."

Duncan sighed heavily, telling himself firmly that coming between Blair and Jim was the fastest way to lose him. "Okay, kiddo, which exit?"

"The next one."

Blair gave Duncan directions to the loft from the highway, feeling his adrenaline spike as they got closer to Jim. Duncan turned onto Prospect street, watching Blair frantically digging his keys out of his backpack and shoving his feet back into his shoes.

"You're going to call me as soon as you get upstairs, right kiddo?"

"Right. Don't worry, I will."

"I love you, Blair. Be careful."

"I will."

Duncan pulled into a spot in front of the building. Blair was out of the car before he came to a full stop. Duncan watched him tear across the parking lot and into the building, wishing desperately that his lover was Immortal.

Blair ran up the stairs, his hand shaking as he fit his old key into the door. He'd kept it on his ring in Seacouver. At first because he couldn't stand to take it off, and then just because he didn't want to throw it away, and didn't know what else to do with it. He was very glad now that he hadn't given it back to Jim when he left.

Jim was on the couch. Blair ran to him, so glad to find him there that for a moment he didn't realize that the television was turned all the way up, blaringly loud.

"Jim, it's me, It's Blair. Can you hear me buddy?"

No response whatsoever. Blair dropped to his knees in front of Jim's still form. "Oh man, not good, what was I thinking, Jim? It's okay, buddy, don't panic, I'm gonna get you out of this, I promise." Blair spoke to both himself and his Sentinel, silently praying to Incacha's spirit to help him. Blair forced himself to speak quietly, looking for the remote to turn down the volume on the tv, which was so loud it hurt his ears.

He realized the remote was in Jim's hand and pried it gently from his frozen grip. Jim didn't even flinch. Blair found the phone next to him on the floor and dialed.

"Blair?"

"Relax, I'm fine. He's zoned, big time. I think you're going to be down there awhile, why don't you go get yourself some coffee or something?"

"That's okay, I'm fine. I'll be right here."

Exactly how many blessed protectors did he need? Blair smiled, glad in spite of himself for Duncan's concern. "Okay, but it's not like I'm in any danger, man, he's catatonic here."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No, I don't think so, but thanks. It's good to know you're there."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay, do you still want me to leave the phone off the hook?"

"Yes."

"Alright, but it's not gonna be all that interesting. You probably won't even be able to hear anything."

"I'll hear you if you yell."

"I'm gonna be fine, he's the one I'm worried about, Duncan. This is really bad."

"Go do your thing, kiddo. I'll be right here."

"Okay," Blair set the phone down with the speaker facing up, turning his attention back to his Sentinel.

"We screwed up good this time, huh, buddy?" Blair spoke soothingly, watching Jim carefully for any kind of response. "It's okay, it's all okay Jim. It's me, Blair. I'm here now buddy, I'm right here with you." Blair took Jim's limp hand in his, squeezing with slowly increasing pressure, but he got no reaction.

"Come on, man, just hear my voice. Everything's all right, it's safe to come back now. Come back to me Jim, I need you here, Big Guy."

No response, nothing. Blair put his hand over Jim's mouth for a moment, afraid, but he was breathing, slow and regular. His eyes were closed, and he didn't appear to be able to hear him or feel him at all. How long had he been like this? Ah, God, Jim, please, just hear me buddy, you gotta work with me here, you have to *want* to come back, Blair thought anxiously, continuing his monolog.

"Hey, Jim, I'm here, I drove all the way here just to see you, won't you even say hi? Come on, buddy, I know you can do it. Just listen to my voice, Jim, hear me, let it guide you back, follow my voice..."

Blair continued to talk to the Sentinel in a low, gentle voice, urging him to recognize the sound he was hearing, to remember what hearing was, to open his eyes. He talked until his voice grew hoarse, and finally had to admit it wasn't working. He thought frantically, terrified that in trying to save the Sentinel, he'd killed him. If he took Jim to a hospital right now, he knew they would say he was in a coma, but Blair knew better. This wasn't a coma, it was a zone, a really fucking bad one. Jim must have tried to keep it from happening, turning the volume up again and again to hold his attention until he zoned anyway. Blair wished to God that he knew how long ago that had been. It could have been ten minutes after he'd hung up the phone, or it could have been ten minutes before he arrived, he had no way of knowing.

Blair thought frantically. Sound wasn't working, neither was touch, and sight wasn't an option. Could Jim smell him? Blair moved quickly between Jim's legs, placing his hands on Jim's shoulders he leaned over him until his hair was in Jim's face. He whispered without realizing it, concentrating so hard on trying to reach Jim, to will him to smell him, that he paid no attention to what he said. He just kept talking.

"Remember me, damn it. Come on Jim, this is what I smell like. Me. Your Guide, remember it; Blair. Inhale, that's it, come on, just a little sniff, just remember, follow it back, hear me."

Jim inhaled sharply and Blair almost shouted with relief. He stopped himself, continuing his ramble, more focused now, as he pushed himself slowly away from the Sentinel.

"That's it, that's good, Jim. It's Blair, your Guide, remember? Right here, buddy, just follow it back, listen to my voice, that's it, open your eyes, Jim."

Blair jumped, surprised, when Jim's eyes popped open at his urging. But then his hopes fell again. They were blank and expressionless, not seeing him at all. Blair held up one finger, very close to Jim's open eye and got no response, he didn't even blink.

"Can you hear me, Jim? It's me, Blair. I'm here buddy, come on back..."

"Blair?" Jim croaked. He sounded horribly confused.

"Yeah, Jim, it's me, it's Blair, I'm right here, everything's okay."

"Blair, I can't see!"

"I know, it's okay, Jim, just relax, it's gonna be okay."

Jim sat very still, and Blair was at a total loss as for what to say next.

"I got here as fast as I could... Oh God, Jim..."

"Where the hell were you, Sandburg?"

Oh my God, he's blocked it, Blair thought. Very gently, he asked, "Jim, I need you to tell me the last thing you remember, okay?"

Jim opened his mouth to answer, then closed it again. Finally, he admitted, "I don't know."

"Do you know where you are?"

"Did I get hit?" Jim whispered, his hand raising slowly to his head, and then his chest, "Shot?" he asked, more anxiously. "Blair?"

"Oh boy," Blair whispered, then he made himself answer Jim, "No, you're okay Jim, you zoned. Alright Jim, I know you're upset. Just try to be really patient with me here, partner, I just need you to trust me now, okay?"

"Yeah, of course I trust you."

"Do you remember talking to me on the telephone earlier tonight, Big Guy?"

Jim shook his head, his blind eyes staring blankly ahead of him.

"Do you remember the last time you saw me?"

"What do mean?"

"Oh man. Um, Jim, do you know who Duncan MacLeod is?"

"Who? No, I don't think so."

"Jim, can I ask him to come upstairs? He's downstairs in the car. He's my friend. I think we should all talk together, okay?"

"Just don't leave me here."

"Do you know where here is, Jim?"

"Am I in the hospital? Something happened..."

"No, Jim, you're not in the hospital, you're not hurt. You're with me, and everything's okay now. You zoned really bad, and I'm gonna get you outta here and someplace better, okay? Just trust me. I'm gonna talk to Duncan for a minute, just stay with me. Don't let yourself go."

"It's hard, everything's fadin' in and out. Blair, I'm scared, something's wrong..."

Blair was glad that Jim couldn't see him. He stared at Jim, stricken. If Jim was admitting to fear, than he was dealing with more than just blocked memory here.

"What's wrong, Jim?" Blair murmured softly, begging Jim in his head to try to tell him, to give him any kind of clue about what he'd been feeling before he put the gun to his head.

"I...I don't know. Stay with me, Blair."

"I will, I will, Jim, it's going to be okay." Blair reached for the phone on the cushion next to Jim on the couch.

"Duncan? Listen to me, everything's fine. Jim and I would like you to come up here and talk for a minute. Everything's gonna be fine, so you can just relax and be mellow, okay?"

Duncan responded immediately, "I'm on my way. Are you sure everything's okay? You sound weird, is there anything you want to tell me before I get there? Can he hear you?"

"Everything's cool, Duncan. I just need to talk to you for a minute, so just be mellow for me, okay buddy?"

Blair held his breath, praying that Duncan understand.

Duncan opened the door to the loft cautiously, looking around and finding Blair on the couch next to Jim. Blair watched Jim carefully, but he didn't even turn his head towards Duncan. Blair wasn't sure if he was even aware that he was there.

"Jim, my friend Duncan is here. He's gonna help us, okay? I need to talk to him for a second, I'll be right back. I'm not going far, okay?"

"Okay."

Blair motioned Duncan into the kitchen, keeping his eyes trained on Jim while he talked.

"He doesn't remember anything. He doesn't know where he is. He doesn't know who you are, or what happened. I gotta get him outta here, Duncan, like, now."

"Are you serious?"

"Oh yeah. We're about two breaths from catatonic here Duncan. I'm talking the Big Sleep. So please, please don't argue with me, just help me get him out of here."

"Where are we taking him Caro?"

Blair brain worked overtime, his hands raking nervously through his hair.

"Back to Seacouver, it's our best option."

"You want to take him back to the loft?" Duncan was incredulous.

"Duncan, a six foot two vegetable is not a good thing to have on the couch. I really think that we should get him out of here. He doesn't even know that he's in his own house, man. Too much trauma happened here for him. Maybe he'll be able to deal with it later, but right now I think we should get him someplace calm amd peaceful so I can figure out what to do. The loft is the best thing I can think of."

Duncan sighed dramatically, "Not my choice for a conversation piece either, Caro. Okay, we'll take him back to Seacouver with us if it's what you think is best. "

"Thank you," Blair whispered, looking at Duncan for the first time. "I love you. I won't forget this."

"It's okay, kiddo. Can I talk to him?"

"Yeah, that'd be really good. Just be really mellow, okay?"

Duncan nodded, going cautiously over to where Jim was sitting, staring blankly, straight ahead.

"Hi Jim."

"Who's there? Blair?"

"It's okay, Jim, I'm right here. This is my friend Duncan. He's gonna help us out, remember?"

"Hi," Jim said vaguely, not sure where the stranger was.

"Jim, we're going to get out of here, okay? I've got to go get some stuff for you, I'll be back in just a second. I'm gonna have Duncan sit here and talk to you. I want you to talk to him, don't zone, and I'll be right back."

Blair made eye contact with his lover, making sure he understood the responsibility he was giving him. Duncan nodded to Blair, and sat down in the chair next to Jim.

"Blair's told me you're ex-Army, Jim, so am I. What division were you in?" Duncan's voice was easy going and relaxed, he leaned towards Jim, hoping that it would be easier for the Sentinel to remain aware of him. He could hear Blair upstairs, opening and closing drawers.

"I was a Ranger."

"Really? I bet you've got a lot of stories to tell."

"No stories," Jim shook his head briefly, the most reaction Duncan had seen from the large man yet.

"Okay, no problem." Duncan thought quickly trying to think of what to say to the man who was obviously teetering on the edge of a total system failure. He knew it wasn't a good idea to ask him questions, but he couldn't think of anything that was safe to say.

Duncan was surprised when Jim spoke first.

"You brought Blair here?"

"Yeah, I did. Can I get you anything? Would you like a glass of water?"

"No. Thanks. Thank you for bringing him to me."

Duncan looked up sharply, Jim's face was as expressionless as it had been since he'd come in.

"You're welcome."

"Hey, guys, how's it going?" Blair hurried back down the stairs, his backpack crammed with Jim's clothes and the few things he knew he'd want, and a few more that he hoped to jog his memory with, if they could get that far.

"We're doing fine," Duncan answered him, standing up to let Blair sit next to Jim.

"Hey, buddy, how are we doing here?"

"I don't know."

"Jim, I want you to listen to me, you have to take my word on this one, and I don't want you to worry about it, okay? We gotta go, I'm going to take you somewhere safe, and we're going to get your senses back. I know you're really confused right now, but we're going to go for a ride and we can talk on the way. You with me here, Jim?"

"Okay."

Blair took Jim's hand, guiding him to his feet. "We're going to do this just like we did last time, okay, buddy? You're just gonna let me be your eyes, here we go..." Blair kept a hand on Jim's shoulder, guiding him slowly to the door. He smiled at Duncan, a thank you for the backpack Duncan remembered to pick up for him. Blair handed Duncan his keys, looking meaningfully at Jim and shaking his head sharply.

Duncan nodded, and waited until Blair had led Jim a little way down the hallway before he locked the door behind them.

"Okay, buddy, we got some stairs to deal with here. Here's the railing, put your other hand on my shoulder," Blair lifted Jim's hand to his shoulder himself, guiding him cautiously down the stairs.

They managed the short walk to the car, Duncan going ahead to unlock the door for them.

Blair got Jim settled in the back seat and Duncan went around to the driver's side.

"Where are we going?"

"We're going to go for a ride, Jim, a long one. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

Blair reached for Duncan's hand, letting go long enough to let him shift and then interlacing their fingers again. He was amazed that getting Jim out of the loft had been that easy. That wasn't good, if Jim was too far inside his head to care where he was or where they were going, he had a lot of work to do. Only how to do it? He didn't want to have to tell Jim what had happened, but somehow he had to make him remember, and convince him to deal with it.

He was scared, and very glad that Duncan was going along with this. The only thing he'd been certain of was that he had to get Jim out of the loft, and out of Cascade. He didn't want to tell Simon what had happened, was still holding on to the hope that if he could get Jim back, maybe he wouldn't have to. Or at least tell Simon a less damning version of the truth. Simon might take Jim off the force for this. After everything else that had happened, Blair thought it was likely. Whatever it was going to take to get Jim to face his memory, he needed to do it far away from Cascade and Simon. Getting Jim out of the loft had been his only priority, he had no idea where to take it from here.

Jim inhaled deeply reassuring himself with the scent of his Guide. He knew they were moving, and that Blair had told him something about where he was, but he couldn't remember. Something happened, a flash of light in front of his closed eyes, and for a second he felt like he'd come out of the fog he was floundering in.

"You smell different."

Blair winced, but answered Jim soothingly, "I changed shampoos. Your sense of smell is probably the most reliable thing you've got going for you right now, so try and use it to help you orientate yourself, okay, Jim?"

"I'm tired."

"I don't think it's a real good idea for you to go to sleep right now, Jim. Talk to me for a little while first. You're not remembering anything, are you?"

Jim didn't want to answer, because he knew that it would upset Blair, but finally, he did. "No."

"That's okay, I wanna ask you some questions, here, see if we can draw some perimeters. If it gets to be too much for you just tell me, okay buddy?"

"Yeah, okay Chief."

Blair worded his questions carefully, trying to figure out exactly what Jim had blocked first, and whether it was a series of events only, or an entire period of time.

"Do you know who Simon is?"

"Yeah, of course. Chief, did I zone on the job? Were we on a case?"

Blair let go of Duncan's hand to cover his face. He'd blocked all of it, everything, the last four months.

"Blair?"

"Uh, no Jim, don't worry, you weren't on a case. Maybe you should try and sleep now. I think you might remember more when you wake up."

"Is it night, Blair?"

"Yeah, it's late, go to sleep, Jim. Everything's gonna be okay."

"Okay."

Duncan reached for Blair's hand. Glancing in the rearview mirror he saw Jim curling into a more comfortable position in the back seat. Jim obviously trusted Blair implicitly, and Blair seemed to know instinctively what to say, and more importantly, what not to say. His lover looked like he was hanging on by a thread.

"Are you okay?" Duncan asked softly, glancing back at Jim again in the mirror.

"Oh man, Duncan, I don't know. I'm scared. I'm not sure what to do here. I can't just tell him, it'll kill him, but I can't just let him float around in la la land like this. I've got to get him to remember, but I'm afraid that's going to throw him right back into a zone..." Blair was very quiet and watched Jim to see if his Sentinel had heard any of this. Jim looked as if he had fallen asleep immediately.

"Just take it one step at a time, Blair. You've done everything right so far. Maybe you should try and sleep, too, I'll wake you up if he does."

"You're not going to fall asleep? You've already driven five hours. We could take turns..."

"No, Blair, I'll let you drive the T-Bird, but not in this condition. Don't worry about it, kiddo, I've gone more than a few nights without sleep. I'm fine."

"Okay, but wake me up the first time you stop for gas, okay?"

"No problem," Duncan answered, but he knew Blair slept so lightly that he'd wake up as soon as the car stopped moving anyway.

Duncan kept an eye on Jim in the rearview mirror, but he seemed to be sleeping peacefully. Blair had curled up backwards on the seat, one hand resting on Duncan's thigh. How the hell had he gotten himself into this? He was actually taking Jim Ellison, the man who'd tried to strangle Blair, back to his apartment to sleep on his couch. Or rather, the brussel sprout version of that man.

Duncan's compassion got the best of him. The man obviously needed help. No, that wasn't it, he needed Blair. Duncan promised himself that he would do everything he could to make this as easy for Blair as he could, and to try to get past his first impressions of Jim. Maybe Blair was right, maybe that wasn't the real Jim Ellison. He certainly couldn't have imagined Jim talking to Blair the way he had tonight, or putting his life in Blair's hands like this.

There was almost no traffic and they made good time. Jim looked comfortable enough, stretched out in the back seat. Duncan got off at the next exit for gas, Blair woke up as soon as they pulled in under the bright lights of the truck stop.

"How far have we gone?"

"Almost two hundred miles. Should we let him sleep?" Duncan asked quietly, nodding to Jim in the back seat.

"Yeah. I'm gonna go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

Blair walked to the long building, going through the gift shop to the bathrooms. Going into a stall, he dug the bullets he'd taken out of Jim's gun out of his jeans pocket, counting to make sure there were ten of them before he walked out, and dropped them into the garbage can casually on the his way to the sinks. He realized he didn't have to worry about it, the bathroom was empty. He was very glad to be rid of the bullets, they'd scared the shit out of him when he'd held them in his hand in Jim's bedroom. He had the sig, with it's empty clip, buried at the bottom of his backpack and wrapped in a sweatshirt. It was a last resort, but if nothing else could bring Jim back, holding the gun in his hand undoubtedly would.

Going back out to the gift shop he bought himself a cappuccino from the machine that promised "a hot, creamy drink" and a candy bar. Going back to the car, he found Duncan standing next to the driver's window, watching Jim.

"He's still asleep, I just didn't want to leave him until you got back. I'll go pay for the gas."

Blair gave Duncan a brilliant smile. "Thank you. I love you."

Duncan smiled back, heading across the parking lot to the cashier. Blair got back in the car, closing the door quietly. Jim didn't wake up, only shifted, curling his long legs into a more comfortable position. Blair was amazed at how kind Duncan had been to Jim, and how concerned he was for his welfare. Maybe this wasn't such a crazy idea. If he could get them trusting each other a little before Jim remembered, it might go a little better when he did remember everything.

Duncan came back, drinking a quart of orange juice, and they got back on the highway. Blair kept an eye on Jim, but he was sleeping soundly. Duncan found All Things Considered on a public radio station, and turned the balance dial all the way to the right, so that only the front speakers were on.

"Is this too loud for him?"

"No, he's out, don't worry about it. News is good, though, he listens to public radio, too. It'll give him something familiar to identify when he wakes up."

"That's good."

"Uh-huh. You know, I really appreciate everything you're doing, Duncan. Especially taking what I said to heart, about us finding common ground..."

"I'm working on it, Caro."

Duncan reached for Blair's hand, and this time his lover scooted over to sit closer to him, leaning his head on Duncan's shoulder.

"I'm going to find a way to make this better, Duncan. I'm gonna get him back."

"I know you will, kiddo, I have faith in you. He does, too."

"I know, and I'm not going to let him down."

In spite of the coffee and the candy bar, Blair drifted back to sleep an hour later, his head still on Duncan's shoulder. Duncan watched Jim carefully for several miles, but the Sentinel slept soundly. The sun was up, and they'd be home in another hour or so. Duncan wondered what Jim would do when he figured out the dynamics of his and Blair's relationship, and how Blair would handle it. Duncan wondered if there really was a way to work all of this out. Blair seemed to have the man under control for now, and there was no doubt in his mind at how much Jim needed Blair. Perhaps there was hope for Jim Ellison's recovery. If anyone could put him back together, Blair could.

Part 15

By Zen&nancy

Duncan woke Blair with a light touch to his wrist.

"Wake up kiddo, we're almost home."

"Mmff, is Jim okay?"

"Sound asleep."

"That's good, how are you? Exhausted?" Blair squinted at Duncan, sleepy concern and affection in the bright blue eyes.

Duncan smiled at him, thinking that the day Blair thought of himself first he'd swallow his sword. "I'm okay. Tired."

"Yeah, I bet, you drove all night. Thank you so much, Duncan."

Duncan shook his head dismissively, "It's no problem, Blair. I'm glad you let me come with you."

"Oh man, me, too. I could not have handled this alone, Duncan."

"All I did was drive, kiddo, you did all the hard stuff."

Blair turned to check on Jim, who was sleeping just as soundly as Duncan had said.

"Having you there really helped, though. Thank you, Duncan."

"My pleasure."

Blair smiled at Duncan, stretching until his back popped. He turned around again to study the sleeping Sentinel more carefully. He looked like he was going to have a crick in his neck, he was slumped against the door, his head on the armrest.

Blair spoke softly, "I should wake him up. Oh man, I'm not sure I'm ready for this. I know he's not."

"Hang in there, kiddo."

"Thanks. Hey, Jim, wake up. Wake up, buddy, we're here... Jim? Can you hear me buddy?"

"Hmm? Yeah, I'm awake. Where are we?"

"Um, we're at Duncan's place. We're gonna stay here for a while, okay?"

"Yeah, I guess so. Chief, what the hell happened?"

Blair looked at Duncan apprehensively.

"Um, let's go inside and talk about it there, okay, buddy? Let me help you," Blair jumped out, pulling the seat forward and helping Jim out of the car.

"Can you see at all, Jim?" Blair asked anxiously, putting his hand on the top of Jim's head to keep him from smacking it on the door frame as he lead him out of the back seat.

"Nada, Chief."

"Okay, just take it slow," Blair slipped his arm through Jim's, guiding him to the door Duncan was holding open for them. "There's a little step up here, careful. Okay, just straight ahead now. There's an elevator..."

Jim stopped when Blair did, standing very still next to his Guide. Duncan pulled the gate and turned the elevator key.

"Where are we, Chief? Some kind of warehouse?"

"No Jim, it's uh, a big building, a dojo. Duncan lives upstairs. We're gonna go up there and relax for a while."

"Chief, what's going on? Why are we here?'

"I told you big guy, you zoned, really badly, and we need to talk about it, try to get you back online, okay? Duncan just wants to help, right, Duncan?"

"Yeah, sure." Duncan smiled at Jim reassuringly, which was pointless, since Jim couldn't see him.

Blair guided Jim into the loft, staying close by his side, murmuring about furniture and lamps to avoid.

"Jim, can I get you anything?" Duncan was in the kitchen, putting a pot of coffee together for Blair.

"Some of that coffee would be great, when it's done."

"You got it. Are you hungry?"

Jim shook his head, "No, thanks, I'm really not."

"Okay, Jim, I want you to just relax here buddy, you're safe here, okay? Everything's going to be fine."

"You keep saying that saying that. What's going on, Chief? What happened?"

"That's what we're gonna try and figure out, Jim."

"You weren't there?" Jim sounded even more confused.

"No, I wasn't, I'm sorry, Jim."

"Jesus, Sandburg, where the hell were you? Isn't that supposed to be your job?"

Blair nodded, and Duncan wished that Jim could see the pain in his eyes. He watched quietly from the kitchen, wishing he could give Blair privacy, and glad that he couldn't at the same time.

"Yeah, you're right, Jim, it is my job. I was at school... And it took me a long time to get to you. I'm sorry, Jim, I'm really sorry."

Jim frowned, unhappy. Something about Blair's voice didn't sound right, but he wasn't lying. "What aren't you telling me here, partner? Come on, fill me in."

"I'd really rather have you remember on your own, Jim, it'd be better. Let's try and figure out exactly how much you can remember, okay?"

Jim sighed heavily, giving in, "Okay, but no tests."

"No tests right now, don't worry. Can you remember the last time you talked to Simon?"

Jim's frown deepened, trying to remember. "No, I guess I can't. That's not good. Are you sure I didn't get hit on the head, Chief?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Can you remember the last case you worked on, Jim?"

"Umm, no, I can't."

"Can you try and tell you me what you do remember?"

"I don't know, Chief, just regular stuff. Umm... we went out for Chinese the other night..."

Blair thought back over the weeks before the night of Reiley's retirement party, trying to place Jim's memory.

"Okay, that's good, what happened after that?" Blair encouraged.

"Uh, I don't know, the usual, I think we went home and watched t.v. Blair, I'm confused. Don't you know?"

Then he did. Jim was talking about a night about a week before the night he'd left. Blair congratulated himself, at least he'd placed the point they had to work forward from.

"Yeah, Jim, I remember, but I want you to. I know you're really mixed up right now, just take this slow with me, okay? We watched that monster movie, and we talked about whether or not it was worth putting a new engine in the truck, remember?"

"Yeah," Jim nodded, and his voice was less vague. "I do, Chief, I remember. What happened after that?"

"I went to school early, we did some background checks at the station in the afternoon."

Blair was watching Jim very carefully, he noticed the muscle that clenched in his jaw immediately.

"Duncan, is that coffee ready?"

Duncan raised his eyebrows across the room at Blair because of the edge in Jim's voice, but he answered in as friendly a tone as he could manage.

"Sure is, Jim. How do drink it?"

"Milk."

Duncan brought Jim and Blair coffee, putting the cup carefully into Jim's hands.

"Thanks."

Blair sat quietly for a minute, letting Jim drink his coffee. Duncan had wandered over to his desk. Blair knew he was doing his best to be unobtrusive, and he appreciated it greatly. He felt like he was walking through a mine field.

"That was a rough week, huh? We busted that art smuggling ring and Simon couldn't hold off SWAT and they blew into that warehouse and screwed it up, remember? That woman died, and you dislocated your shoulder... You got mad at me at the hospital, for following you in there... You said I wasn't a cop and if I wasn't going to carry a gun then you weren't going to have me tagging along into places where you could lose me..." Blair voice was deep and even, guiding Jim through memories that he knew were there.

"NO!" Jim shouted, getting to his feet, he took a step forward and banged his shin on the corner of the coffee table, hard.

"Shit!" Jim froze, his fists clenched at his sides, "Sandburg, this sucks, I don't want to talk about this anymore." Every muscle in his body was tense, so much so that he was shaking.

Blair was already around the coffee table and in front of the larger man, his hands going to his shoulders. "Okay, it's okay, we'll do this some other way, we don't have to talk about it, it's okay, Jim."

Duncan was standing next to his desk, watching Jim very carefully, obviously ready to jump him if he lashed out at Blair. Blair shook his head at Duncan furiously, continuing his soothing ramble, his hands pushing Jim gently back onto the couch. "Lets just deal with what you're feeling right now, big guy, okay? Tell me what's fading in and out and what's completely gone."

Blair spoke quietly, coaxing answers out of Jim, drawing him slowly back from the edge he'd almost gone over. Duncan watched, very aware that Blair had reached a critical point. He wouldn't let himself interfere, unless he had to. Blair was totally focussed on the Sentinel. Duncan watched, fascinated, as he gently extracted answers from Jim. He could almost see the connection between them.

"What about touch?"

"Distorted, like somebody keeps flipping the dial up and down."

"Okay, take a deep breath.. No, come on Jim, you can, just relax for a minute... That's it... Can you feel this?" Blair scraped his fingernail lightly across the back of Jim's hand.

"What?"

"Okay, let's try something else..." Blair turned quickly to pull a button off his jacket, which he'd thrown over the arm of the couch. Bending the pin backwards he picked up Jim's hand, pressing the point against the skin between his thumb and forefinger. "Do you feel this?"

"No... wait, yeah, sort of. I think it's hot... Sandburg, if you're burning me I'll..."

"Relax, Jim, you know I wouldn't. Okay, so touch is really sketchy, tell me about vision, what are you seeing? Light? Black? Flashes?"

"Nothing, just, nothing... Blair, you have to help me..."

"Shh, we're gonna get there, buddy, just relax, give yourself some time... Let's try scent now, okay? What's on the table in front of you?"

Jim inhaled slowly, "Um... oranges, something metal, I think, yeah, money, change... And something that's yours... Leather, your gloves?"

"That's awesome, Jim, what else?"

"A book, it smells old... something... oil, not the table, on the right... it's not on the table, it's a whetstone, and oil, for sharpening knives. There's something, it's cloth, it smells like hair and sweat...but not yours..."

Jim's words stopped short, the muscle in his jaw fluttered.

"Talk to me, Jim..." Blair's voice was quietly commanding, but Jim was already gone. Blair knew a second later and moved closer, raising his voice a little.

"Don't go there man, come on, Jim, don't zone on me man. I know you can hear me, listen to my voice, this isn't the way to go here, Jim, we can do this, buddy, come on, come back to me... Talk to me, Jim, it's gonna be okay..."

Sweat broke out across Jim's forehead, his hands balled into fists, he opened his eyes, but instead of seeing Blair he saw Duncan, his fist drawn back, dark eyes angry and determined. His gasped, and rocked back on the couch, his hand going to his side.

"Where is he!"

"Relax, Jim, it's okay, listen to me, it's Blair, it's okay, everything's alright..."

"He's here!"

"Yeah, I know, Jim, it's okay, trust me..."

"No!"

"Jim, you have to. Come on, just breath, relax, tell me what happened, what you remembered... I need to know, Jim, talk to me... I want to help you, Jim, please..."

Jim shook his head, sniffing the air suspiciously, tracking the enemy. He was moving, farther away... Jim tried to keep his mind focussed on the scent that had brought back the flash of fighting with Duncan MacLeod, tried to follow him around the room, but instead he saw the man dropping to a crouch before him, a tight smile on his face... It was too strong, the scent in his nostrils and the memory of pain... He let go.

"Fuck, come on Jim, you can't do this to me... I need you, Jim, pull yourself back, don't let go, come on... listen to me. Everything's okay. There isn't going to be any fighting, everything's all right, you and Duncan can work it out, it's gonna be okay... You don't have to do this, Jim... come on, man,

Blair raised his voice a little, "Duncan, get out of here. Go downstairs."

"Blair, he's..."

"Do it! Now. Please,"

Blair wasn't even looking at him, he was bent over the Sentinel, his hands on Jim's shoulders, speaking to him in a quiet, urgent voice.

Duncan realized it was his presence that would make the zoned Sentinel violent, and that without him here Blair was in no danger from Jim Ellison. He'd watched the way Jim responded to Blair long enough to know that Jim would never willingly hurt his Guide.

"I'll be downstairs," Duncan told Blair quietly, going to the back door and down the steps to the dojo.

"Thank you," Blair called softly, his attention returning immediately to Jim.

"Come on, buddy, it's just you and me now, we're alone. Come back to me, Jim, it's Blair, I'm right here, listen to my voice, Jim... You don't want to stay there, I know you don't, come on back to me, buddy. I'm not gonna let you do this, Jim, I need you here. Hear my voice, man, follow it..."

Jim opened his eyes, and saw his hands, clenched into fists in his lap. Four months of memory flooded his brain. He'd hit Blair... And Blair had left him. He remembered everything, the loneliness and the zones, going down to Seacouver, and fighting Duncan MacLeod, and everything he'd done after that...

"Oh God..." Jim groaned softly, his hands coming up to cover his face. "Chief... where are we?"

"Seacouver. Duncan's loft. Take it easy, big guy, talk to me here, what's going on in there? What are your senses doing?"

"They're back, everything. Oh, God, Chief..." A sharp, painful sob broke from Jim's chest. "I hit you..."

"It's okay, buddy, I forgive you, I'm right here, everything's gonna be okay, Jim."

"Please, Blair, tell me I'm wrong..."

"It's okay, Jim..."

"Blair! Why did you come? Why did you stop me? I hurt you... I kicked you out.. Oh, God, Blair, please come back. I need you. I need you so bad, Chief."

"I'm right here, buddy, it's okay," Blair moved closer, wrapping his arms around Jim's shoulders.

Jim didn't take his hands from his face, he was crying, he couldn't help it. He saw it all over again, the scene in Blair's apartment, when Blair had shouted the truth at him and Jim had hit him... He'd thrown his Guide viciously against the wall, and then he'd tried to strangle him. Oh Jesus, and Duncan MacLeod had stopped him...

"Blair, why did you come? What are doing? You should leave me alone. I deserve everything that's happened."

"No, Jim, don't... It's gonna be okay, we're gonna work this out..." Blair held onto Jim tightly, not letting him go when he tried to get up.

"Blair, what the hell am I doing in his house?"

"Duncan wants to help, Jim, it's okay. You guys are going to come to terms with all this shit, we're going to work it out..."

"You're telling me the man that tried to kill me wants to be my friend? He took you away from me, I don't even want to have to talk to him, Blair. I need to get the hell out of here..." Jim was up and heading for the door before Blair could stop him.

"Wait, please, Jim, just talk to me for a minute, please? We can go somewhere else in a bit if you want to, but just wait, man, look at me. It's going to be okay, Jim. I promise. I wouldn't have brought you here if I didn't think we could all handle it. It's going to be fine, you and Duncan aren't going to fight anymore."

Jim stopped, sitting back down on the couch. He couldn't leave Blair. He took a deep breath, "Blair, I don't think I can handle this..."

"Yes, you can. He's not here right now. We need to talk, Jim. You scared the shit out of me last night... Why?"

Jim shook his head his eyes on his hands in his lap, "I can't live without you. I'm an asshole. I'm a liar. I'd rather die than face everything I've done to you..."

"No, Jim, you don't have to... You can forgive yourself, I can forgive you... And you don't have to live without me, we just have to work through this... Please, don't walk out on me, Jim. I want to help you..."

"How can you forgive me? I've never done anything but treat you like shit. I didn't have the guts to admit how important you are to me, I shut you out, I bossed you around, I took everything out on you... And all that time, I was trying not to feel it. I was a coward, I wouldn't admit what I wanted... I wanted you. I need you Blair, please, can we go home? I want you back so badly, partner. I'm not worth shit without you."

"I forgive you because I want to, I want us to be friends again, Jim, I want to be your Guide..."

"Then come home with me. Please..."

"Jim, you want to pretend that none of this ever happened. You want to pretend that I never jumped you and you never hit me and that you and Duncan never tried to kill each other and you never put a gun to your head... You can't do that, Jim, and we can't go back, we can only go forward from here. This is my life, I love Duncan, Jim. I love him and I can't leave him, but I love you too, and I don't want to lose you, man... What I'm saying here is that you're still my Sentinel and I'm still your Guide, if you'll let it be that way. We can find a solution, Jim, I know we can."

Jim sat back on the couch, pulling away from Blair and covering his eyes with his hand again. He didn't want to think about life without Blair at all. He didn't want to be here.

"Blair, I don't want to do this without you."

"You don't have to, buddy. We can find a way to work this out, Cascade is not that far away."

"What do want to do, work out some kind of joint custody deal here?" Ellison's voice was angry. "Blair, listen to me! I need you. He can live without you Blair, I can't. I need you back, Chief, please, do this for me..."

"Jim, you're asking me to give up my whole life, everything I've worked for... I love this man, Jim. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, this is it, the real thing. I've been waiting my whole life for this."

"So that's it, you got your dissertation and that's it, four years, just like that? You've found the love of your life and we're through?"

"NO!"

Blair moved closer, his hand going to Jim's forearm. "Jim, please. You're not listening to me here. I am your Guide. Nothing that happens to me is going to change that. What happened with us... Please, Jim, let me talk about it. Even if you can't, just listen to me, Jim. That night, I wanted you so badly, I wanted you to know what I'd been going through, all that time. I wanted you to feel what I felt. Jumping you like that was really, really wrong, Jim, a total violation of your trust and our friendship. I wanna ask you to forgive me. I'm sorry, Jim. I should have been honest with you. But man, I had it for you so bad, Jim. I think knowing you'd clock me is the only thing that kept me from jumping you on a daily basis, that and wanting your respect. And that night, I was just really drunk..."

Jim startled Blair, raising both hands to his Guide's face and cupping his cheeks to hold him still, Jim leaned forward, sealing his lips over Blair's. Blair didn't move for at least ten seconds. The first five were pure shock, it was the very last thing he'd expected Jim to do. Then the feeling of Jim's lips moving slowly over his registered in Blair's brain, and for a moment he melted against Jim, feeling the strong arms go around him to pull him close.

Jim made a small sound of surprise and pleasure, and his arms tightened, pulling Blair up against his chest. Reason returned, and with it fear and determination. Blair squirmed, dragging himself out of Jim's embrace.

"Jim! Wait, no. I can't. This isn't right, Jim, you don't want this."

"Yes, I do! Blair, please, just listen to me. I've been the biggest idiot in the world for four years. It took losing you to get it through my thick skull that you are more important than anything to me. I don't care what people think, I don't care what happens. Please, Blair, tell me it's not too late."

"Oh God, Jim, it's not that easy. We need to deal with this. Jim, less than twenty four hours ago you put a gun to your head. Why? Because you couldn't deal with this, to the extent that death seemed like the most reasonable option. I know you man, that's not you. What happened just now, that's not the answer, Jim. Listen to me, don't start shutting me out, man. You've been without a Guide for almost four months. This obviously has detrimental effects on your psyche. We need to talk about this, a lot."

"Blair..." Jim's hand came up between them and stopped an inch away from Blair's cheek. He cleared his throat, his hand falling back into his lap. He looked away from Blair quickly, there were tears in his eyes, "Blair... I've lost every person I ever cared about because I don't know how to say how I feel. I spent my whole life alone, pushing people away from me and being angry at them when they left... And then I got you, and you are absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me, Chief, and I hate who I am when you're not there. I was one cold, cynical, son of a bitch, and then you showed up and I had to trust you on the spot, I didn't have any choice..."

Blair laughed gently, "Yeah, but you didn't like it very much."

Jim shook his head, "I've never trusted anyone like that before, Blair. And you know what? You never let me down, partner, not once. No matter how much of an asshole I was, you put up with me. I would do anything to get you back, Blair, I swear..."

"Jim, we can't go back, buddy, only forward. I want you to believe me here, I want you to trust me. You are not going to lose me, but I can't leave Duncan, and honestly, Jim, I don't think that's the solution. You're straight. No, I'm not saying you're lying, I'm not saying it's not there... But how do you know it's not because you've been separated from your Guide? How do you know it's not a natural Sentinel/Guide thing that you've been in total denial of? I don't think facing your feelings is the thing that pushed you right over the edge, I think it was separation from your Guide. I was an idiot to think you could do this alone. We need some answers here, buddy. I wanna help you, Jim. Please, just trust me."

Jim took a deep breath, and forced himself to move away from Blair. He got up to pace the room, noticing the layout of Duncan's loft for the first time. He went to the coffee pot on the counter and refilled his mug. Coming back, he sat down in the chair across from Blair, running his hand through his short hair, he took a deep breath, and met Blair's eyes.

"Do you have a plan?"

And as soon as Jim said it, it came to him. "Yeah, you're moving to Seacouver."

"What?"

"You heard me."

Part 16

By Zen&nancy

Duncan looked up from the weights he was putting back onto the rack when he heard the elevator gate. Jim walked over to him slowly, looking around the dojo with interest.

"Nice place."

"Thanks. How are you doing?"

"I've had better days. Look, Duncan, do think it'd be possible for you and me to sit down and talk about all this?"

"Yeah, of course. Um, you wanna talk here, or go back upstairs?"

"Here is good."

Duncan put the last of the weights on the rack and dropped down cross legged on the work out mat laid down on the floor, motioning for Jim to join him. Jim sat, looking at Duncan intently before he spoke.

"I owe you an apology."

"Apology accepted. But I would like to know... What the hell were you thinking? You could have killed him," Duncan tried to keep the anger out of his voice.

Jim shook his head, his hand coming up to cover his eyes for a moment. "I owe you his life, which is worth a hell of a lot more than mine. I don't know... I was seriously out of my head. Thank you, MacLeod."

"Yeah, well, you seem to be more in control now," Duncan smiled, telling himself that this wasn't really that hard, he could do it, for Blair.

Jim chuckled, "Yeah, barely. Duncan, I don't know where we can go from here, but I don't want to be your enemy."

"Look, Jim, I want you to know that I understand this Sentinel/Guide thing, I know what Blair is to you... I'm not going to stand in the way of that, as long as you don't hurt him."

"So you think that we can find some kind of solution here?" Jim looked uncertainly at the man Blair loved. If Blair loved him, there had to be something worth liking about this guy.

Duncan nodded, taking a deep breath, "I think we can."

"I appreciate that, Duncan. I don't know if I'd be this willing to bury the hatchet after the way I went off... I know you're doing this for Blair, but I appreciate it anyway."

Duncan grinned at him, admitting the truth of Jim's statement with his smile. "He's hard to say no to."

Jim laughed, "He sure as hell is."

"Do you mind if I use those weights? I've got some thinking to do."

Duncan nodded in agreement and understanding, "Go right ahead. I'm going back upstairs to shower and collapse. The keys for the elevator are over there on the bench. Lock it when you come back up."

"Okay. Duncan, I think I misjudged you."

"Yeah, well, neither of us made very good first impressions," Duncan grinned at Jim over his shoulder, heading for the elevator. Once inside he relaxed, thinking that it had gone a great deal better than he'd expected his first conversation with a cognizant Jim Ellison to. It hadn't been that hard, after all, to offer his forgiveness. Duncan knew what it was to get lost in your own darkness, to be consumed by your fears. He had a entirely different perspective on the Sentinel after watching him with Blair over the past twenty four hours.

Blair was waiting for him upstairs, sitting on the couch drinking coffee, his fingers typing rapidly on his laptop. "Hi. Gimme a sec, almost done," Blair mumbled, finishing his thought and closing the screen.

"You're going to crash eventually, you know," Duncan told him affectionately, going over to stand behind the couch, his hands massaging Blair's shoulders.

"You're the one who hasn't had any sleep, I slept in the car. So, how did it go? Did you guys talk?" Blair craned his neck back to look up at Duncan expectantly.

"Yeah, a little," Duncan gave Blair a tired smile. He wanted a shower and his bed, badly, but he wanted to make sure that Blair was okay before he slept.

Blair was still looking up at him expectantly. "How much is a little?"

"Blair..." Duncan sighed, getting a better grip on his patience. It wasn't his lover's fault that he was exhausted and cranky. "He apologized, I accepted. I told him I wouldn't try to prevent you from being his Guide, as long as he can refrain from trying to strangle you. I think we're going to work on being friends. Can I take a shower now?"

"Oh. Okay, um, sure, yeah man, no problem," Blair gave him a dazzling smile and went immediately back to his typing.

Don't panic, Blair told himself. Definitely plan B then, he'd have to tell Duncan about Jim moving into the building himself. That might go better with some careful planning. Blair gauged Duncan's mood, and decided to buy himself some time. Jim was pumping iron downstairs, and would be at it for at least an hour, and Duncan was ready to fall over. This was looking like a dinner conversation. Blair sighed, trying to tell himself that it wouldn't be that bad, he'd just have to keep bridging the gap. Still, he wasn't looking forward to breaking the news to Duncan.

Jim lay on his back on the bench, all of his concentration on the bar that his arms raised and lowered with smooth, perfect control. This was the closest he ever got to meditation, although the burn of weightlifting was far from an out of body experience. He was calm, though, calmer than he'd been since the night Blair had left. He wasn't really sure if he'd actually just agreed to moving to Seacouver and living here or not. Blair had spent the last two hours talking him into it, and Jim had to admit, it wasn't as brainless an idea as it had originally sounded.

The truth was, he really didn't have any other options. They'd talked for a long time about everything that had happened over the time that Blair was gone. Talking to Blair about everything had forced him to see just how far out of his head he'd been. It scared the hell out him that he'd lost that much control over who he was without even realizing it. When Blair had left that night, he'd been so angry. There had been so much rage, and he'd held on to it, for weeks. Day in and day out after Blair left, anger was what got him through the day. He held on to it, so he wouldn't have to face everything else he felt. He couldn't see what it was doing to him, how it was changing him. Jim realized now that he really had lost himself when Blair left him. All that was left was anger, and he fed off it, letting it take him over. He also realized that by the time he got to Seacouver he'd been completely out of control. He really did feel like he was somebody else without Blair, certainly not the Sentinel of a great city.

Jim set the bar down, rolling to a sitting position. Getting up he put seventy five pounds on the curl bar Duncan had left on the floor next to the bench for him. Sitting on the edge of the bench, he put an elbow on each knee, and reached down for the bar. His back perfectly straight, Jim curled slowly, concentrating on the rhythm and pull of his muscles.

Blair had done a good job of convincing him that a Sentinel couldn't be separated from his Guide. He obviously needed Blair. It was still hard to believe that he'd actually put a gun to his head, but he knew he had. The ramifications of all this were just starting to sink in, and it sounded like a nightmare. Going back to Cascade and dealing with the consequences and repercussions of his actions didn't sound pleasant, not at all. Still, it was his life, and Blair was asking him to give it all up. No, that wasn't true, he wasn't asking him to do anything, he was only offering to help, on his own terms.

Totally non-negotiable ones. Jim knew he was going to have to accept the fact that Blair loved Duncan, and wouldn't go back to Cascade with him no matter what he said. It wasn't easy. He couldn't blame Blair for not being willing to come back, he'd treated him like shit, and he knew it. It still hurt so much to admit that he'd really hurt Blair, that he'd put his hands around him throat. He didn't want to think about it, but his brain kept throwing it back at him.

Jim had no idea what he'd do here, if he gave up his badge and moved to Seacouver to be with Blair. Not with Blair, not like he wanted, he was going to have to take a back seat to Duncan MacLeod. He didn't blame Blair, he'd kicked him out on his ass, and said some unforgivable things. Duncan seemed to make him happy, much happier than he ever had, he knew he treated him a lot better. The way he looked at him, it was obvious the guy loved Blair. He owed him a hell of a lot, he knew that could have killed Blair that day in his apartment if Duncan hadn't stopped him. It hurt like hell to admit it, but it was the truth. He'd made an honest effort to patch things up just now, and even if it was only for Blair's sake, it was more than he would have done if the tables were turned. The fact that he was protective of Blair made Jim crazy, but it also told him that he wasn't really an asshole. Jim had to admit that the only real cause for anger he had against Duncan was jealousy.

He couldn't believe he'd really kissed Blair. It hadn't been bad. Actually, it had felt incredible. To hold Blair in his arms like that after all this time. Just thinking about it filled him with so much longing that all he wanted to do was go back upstairs and wrap his arms around Blair and beg him to come home and start all over again. He knew that wasn't an option, but what the hell was he supposed to do with the need for his Guide that he had finally admitted to? So maybe Blair was right, and it had nothing to do with sexuality or whether he was straight or not, that it was just a Sentinel/Guide thing. One that he'd been repressing for four years because he was to hung up to deal with it. Did that make it any less real? What was he supposed to do now, just turn it off? If he knew how to do that he never would have ended up sitting on the edge of his bed with the Sig Saur under his chin.

Did Blair really think that they could deal with this? He knew that Blair's role as his Guide had pretty much denied him of a life for the past four years, and he didn't want to do that again, but was there a solution to any of this? Where would he live? And what the hell would he do for a living? What would life be like here? He didn't know, but Blair thought it was what he should do, and when it came down to it, it wasn't really like he had any other options. He needed his Guide, plain and simple. Talking over everything with Blair, going over everything that had happened since Jim had kicked him out, had convinced him of that. Living without Blair was like living in a vacuum.

If walking away from his life, or rather the mess he'd made of it, was what he had to do to get his Guide back, then there really wasn't any choice involved. Jim had curled his arms until they felt like rubber. He set the bar down heavily, wiping sweat out of his eyes with the back of his hand. Why the hell couldn't he just have a normal mid-life crisis like everybody else?

Blair was in the kitchen cooking when Jim came back upstairs. It was strange to be welcomed by the smell of Blair's pot roast, Jim had to remind himself that this was Blair's home.

Blair spoke quietly, motioning to Duncan sleeping at the other end of the room. "You probably want a shower, let me get some clothes for you. Dinner should be close to ready by the time you get out."

"Thanks. Smells really good."

Jim had missed Blair's food almost as much as he'd missed Blair. He took the clothes that Blair pulled out his backpack for him and headed to the bathroom. Walking quietly past Duncan asleep in his bed was a little unsettling, but he told himself he had to relax if he was going to trust his Guide.

Blair poured a cup of coffee from the pot he'd made, carrying it over to the bed where Duncan was sleeping. He stood looking down at his lover for a moment, praying to any God that felt friendly. If this didn't work, he didn't know what he was going to do.

"Duncan, wake up, handsome. I need to talk to you."

"Hmm?" Duncan rolled over, reaching for the cup Blair held out to him automatically.

Duncan sat up in bed, taking a long sip of coffee. Blair sat down on the bed next to him, he looked serious and nervous.

"Okay, I'm awake, Caro. Talk to me."

"I think I've figured out a solution to all of this, but I'm really afraid that you're not going to like it."

"What's the solution?"

"Well, see, Duncan, we need to move Jim to Seacouver."

Duncan's mouth opened, he inhaled a deep breath, and Blair could see him getting ready to object, strongly. He held up his hands, speaking fast so Duncan didn't have a chance to.

"No, wait, just listen to me for a minute, man. This is what I've figured out: A Sentinel and a Guide cannot be separated, it's a fatal move on the Sentinel's part. He needs the Guide for protection, balance, stability and security. Without it, he's going to go right over the edge. Historically, when one Guide died, he was replaced with another, but as far as Jim goes, man, I'm it. He doesn't have a choice. Leaving you is like soo not an option. I love you more than anybody ever, I'm fairly determined to grow old with you, Duncan. I'm not giving you up. So, we need to move Jim here."

Duncan sighed, and looked extremely skeptical, "How is that going to work, Blair? Be realistic,"

Blair interrupted him, "You have to admit, Duncan, the man you've been around for the past twenty four hours is not the same person who threatened my life. Jim is totally aware of how out of control he was. He's carrying around so much damn guilt over it he put a gun to his head."

Duncan was quiet, drinking his coffee. Blair let him think about it, getting a little nervous when Duncan didn't say anything for a little while. He was patient, waiting for Duncan to talk to him. Finally, he did, taking Blair's hand on top of the blankets.

"I don't want to lose you either, Blair, and you're right, he has seemed like a different person. You've been right about all of this so far, I still can't figure out how you knew he was in trouble when you did. So, I guess I'm willing to give this a try, but I need to know a little more of what you have in mind."

Blair gave him an irresistible smile, and confessed, "Well, actually, I've been taking this one step at a time. It's worked up until now, so why change?"

Duncan laughed, squeezing Blair's hand. "Okay, so what's the next step?"

"Dinner," Blair's smile broadened, and then he leaned forward into Duncan's arms, kissing him in a way that said thank you, and I love you, and I want you all at once.

Duncan let Blair out of his arms reluctantly when the kiss ended, getting up to change his clothes. Blair was watching him approvingly, thinking that he was a very, very lucky man.

"So, we're all going to sit down and have a nice, relaxed meal together and talk about this, okay?"

Duncan nodded, pulling a clean t shirt from his dresser drawer. "Okay, sounds like a good idea."

Standing under the hot shower spray, Jim thought about the solution his Guide had come up with. Blair had never been wrong before. This wouldn't be the first time he went out on a limb because Blair said it was the right thing to do. This kid had saved his life for God sakes. How had Blair known? Blair had only shrugged his shoulders when he asked him, answering 'I just did, man.' Jim figured that if Sandburg couldn't figure it out it wasn't likely that he was going to. Standing there alone, he remembered what the gun had felt like against his throat, and he shuddered, afraid. He would have never, ever thought that he was the kind of person that would consider taking his own life. That sort of thought had been bred out of him, quitting was not an option. He had though, and it wasn't hard to see that if he didn't take Blair's offer, and move to Seacouver, it wouldn't be long before he was right back there.

Duncan and Blair were standing at the kitchen counter kissing when Jim walked out of the bathroom. Blair noticed him first, and pulled quickly out of the embrace, blushing slightly.

"Hi. Dinner's ready."

Jim swallowed, and made himself answer, "That's great, Chief, I'm starving."

Duncan was leaning on the countertop, he looked relaxed and genuinely concerned, "How are you doing, Jim?"

"I'm hanging in there. That's a beautiful dojo you own. How long you had it?"

"Almost six years. You're welcome to work out whenever you want to, there's a locker room down there as well."

Blair was putting his pot roast onto plates for them, he handed Jim his, motioning to the table. He and Duncan hardly ever ate at the table, he rarely even noticed it was there, but he'd decided that getting the three of them to sit down at a table together was a good start.

Duncan took his plate, sitting across from Jim and leaving Blair the chair between them at the head of the table. Jim realized that he was starving and attacked his pot roast. It was delicious, but the taste brought back such vivid memories of eating dinner with Blair at home that it was hard to swallow around the lump in his throat. Blair picked at his food, a little nervous and trying to find a way to get them talking.

Duncan looked at his lover pushing his fork around his plate and rose, going to the refrigerator to get them each a beer. Sitting down again, he looked across the table at Jim, "So Jim, Blair thinks that moving you to Seacouver is the way to go here, what do you think?"

Jim reached for his beer, taking a long swallow before he answered, "Sandburg knows what he's doing. If he says I move to Seacouver if I want to keep my sanity, then I guess that's what I do. I can't expect him to give up his life to be my Guide, and I need him, so I guess it's not like I have a whole lot of choice. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do here... But I guess I can take some time to figure that out."

Blair was looking back and forth between them, beaming, Duncan smiled back at him, and then turned back to Jim, "I'm glad you're willing to trust him." It impressed him, that Jim was willing to take that big a risk, he thought quietly for a few minutes, and then turned back to Blair.

"Tell me about how you think this works, kiddo. Is it a matter of distance, or time, or both?"

Blair cocked his head, formulating a reply, "Both. After we determine that his senses are fully back to normal, we can do some controlled tests and establish some perimeters. For now, I want to work on trying to wean him, so to speak, work on spending gradually increasing periods of time apart and see how it goes. He's going to have to find someplace close to live, both for convenience and because I'm sure long distance separation has a lot to do with it, too."

"Would the third floor work?"

Blair's eyes lit up and his mouth fell open.

"Congratulations, MacLeod, that's a first. I've never seen him speechless."

Duncan laughed, nodding at Jim across the table, "Looks good on him."

Blair blushed, and shut his mouth.

Duncan decided to take matters into his own hands, "So, Jim, what do you think, how does that sound to you? It's all storage space right now, but it could easily be turned into a loft in a week or so."

Jim shook his head in amazement, "After everything I've done, you're offering to let me live in your building?"

"Well, I kinda assumed you'd pay rent, but yeah, basically."

"Oh man, Duncan you are brilliant!" Blair jumped out of his chair to hug Duncan excitedly. "This is gonna work, this is really gonna work."

Jim shrugged, "I think I'm outvoted. Is a membership to the dojo included in the lease?"

Duncan laughed through the mop of hair attached to his neck and agreed, "Sure, no problem."

Blair suddenly realized he'd jumped Duncan in front of Jim and slid back to his chair, red faced. The two men seemed to be solving the problem without him, they were already talking about what kind of plumbing and electrical work would have to be done, and how much space Jim would want. This was a lot better than he'd hoped for, fantastic, actually. Maybe he hadn't given either of them enough credit, because they seemed to be doing just fine with this.

When they'd finished Blair got them all a second beer, going to sit on the couch between his lover and his Sentinel.

"You know, Chief, Simon's gonna kill you."

Blair drank from his bottle, then nodded, "I know. But man, you've been a cop for almost ten years, you're ready to do something else, I know you are. It's really hard on you, Jim, I mean, on your senses, too. Constant stress, almost constant danger, I know you're gonna say it's what you're made for, but man, you have so much more than that in you."

Jim raised his eyebrows, considering what Blair had said, "Do you really think so, Chief? I'm not at all sure I could get a transfer onto the force here, with the suspension and all... I'm not even sure I want to. I don't know, I'm gonna have to think about it."

"In the mean time, if you want something to do, I bet I've got at least a couple of classes you'd be qualified to teach downstairs."

Jim nodded, thinking that Duncan was doing a hell of a lot to try to help him. "Thanks, I don't know, I'll think about it, doesn't sound bad at all."

Blair looked at Duncan, "So, we can get started on Jim's place this week?"

"Yeah, sure, kiddo. Monday."

"Great, then we can go back to Cascade and move your stuff next weekend. It's like, totally up to you man, when you want to call Simon. I know I'd put it off as long as I could," Blair yawned, stretching out a little and leaning back against Duncan's arm on the back of the couch.

"Okay, Chief, I guess it's a plan. I gotta trust you, buddy."

Blair smiled, feeling like everything was finally right in his world. He yawned again, feeling his eyelids getting heavier, "Oh man, I think the beer just caught up with me. I'm so tired."

Duncan laughed, he'd been wondering all day when Blair's adrenaline would finally give up. "Go to bed, Caro, we're not going to kill each other."

"I think I have to, I'm falling asleep sitting here," Blair turned to Duncan, pressing a soft, quick kiss to him lips before dragging himself off the couch and over to bed. He crawled under the covers, listening to Duncan and Jim's quiet conversation.

"Duncan, I gotta tell you how much I appreciate what you're doing, being willing to forget everything that happened... You're really going out of your way to help me here, I don't know if I'd do this much for a guy who tried to kick my ass, I appreciate it."

Duncan smiled, but it wasn't really smug, just amused, "Yeah, well, I'm all for peaceful solutions. Don't worry about it, Jim, really. I love Blair, I'm going to do what ever I can to make life easier for him, besides, if you're not a cop, I'll like you a whole lot more," Duncan grinned, knocking his beer bottle against Jim's.

Duncan got up to get Jim blankets and a extra pillow from the linen closet in the bathroom.

"Here you go. Get some sleep, you look wiped out. The couch is actually pretty comfortable, just let me know if you need anything."

Jim took the pillow and blankets from Duncan, shaking his head, "Thanks, I'm fine. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Jim."

Duncan walked around the loft, turning off most of the lights and dimming the tracks light in the kitchen down to an amber glow.

"Is this going to bother you?"

"No, it's fine," Jim took his socks off, stretching out on the couch. He realized Duncan had been thinking about his senses, and how strange it was to have someone other than Blair's concern.

Duncan went to the bookshelf, picking a book of short stories to read. He took it to bed, taking off his jeans and shirt and getting under the covers with Blair in his boxers. He turned on the small lamp beside the bed, turning on his side with his back facing Blair to block the light, but his lover was dead to the world, sleeping as soundly as Blair ever did.

Jim lay awake for a long time, trying not to think about Duncan and Blair in bed together, just a few feet away. He listened to the familiar sound of Blair's sleeping heart rate, tuning in to it hungrily. He'd missed it so much. It was the hardest thing to do without, the sound of his Guide's heart beating. Every minute or so Duncan turned a page of his book, or shifted on the bed, rustling the covers. His heartbeat echoed against the sound of Blair's, a quiet counter beat that he had to remind himself had every reason to be there.

He didn't think he'd be able to sleep, but before he knew it he felt himself drifting off, thinking about how good it had been to see Blair smile at him again.

Part 17

By Zen&nancy

Jim woke up early the next morning, looking around the loft in confusion for a second, before he realized where he was. Duncan and Blair were both still asleep in bed. The sun was just starting to lighten the sky outside, and Jim took a deep breath, determined that he would somehow make it through this day.

He looked over at the bed, at Duncan curled around Blair under the covers. Jim imagined what that felt like, sleeping with Blair's back hugged tightly to his chest, the fuzzy curls brushing his face. Duncan's arm wrapped around his Guide on top of the blankets, holding Blair with his arm across his chest.

Asleep, Duncan's feelings for Blair were even more obvious than they were when he was awake. He cradled Blair against him, his body draped around the smaller man, sheltering him. It was hard to understand if what Jim was feeling was anger or pain. It was both, it was jealousy, and Jim told himself that he was going to have to get used to it. Getting up off the couch, he went into the kitchen, searching until he found a glass, and got himself some water at the sink.

Standing at the counter drinking, Jim saw Duncan sit up in bed, and rub his face with his hand. He looked around, seeing Jim in the kitchen and threw a half wave in his direction. Jim nodded back, and Duncan got out of bed. Going into the bathroom, he returned a minute later in a red bathrobe.

"Morning, Jim," Duncan's voice was wide awake, and his brown eyes bright. Jim had somehow imagined that Duncan wouldn't be any more of a morning person than Blair was, another wrong assumption about Duncan MacLeod.

"Morning. You're up early."

"I'm an early riser. I'm going to put on a pot of coffee and go for a run, do you want to join me?"

Jim looked up, surprised. "Yeah, that'd be great. Let me change into some sweat pants."

Jim went over to Blair's backpack, pulling out dark blue sweat pants and a clean t-shirt. Blair had managed to pack a weekend's worth of his clothes into the bag, although Jim noticed he'd split the zipper doing it. He made himself a mental note to buy his Guide a new one.

Duncan made coffee while Jim changed. He really wanted to get to know Jim better, for Blair's sake, and it would be nice to have someone to run with. Jim came back out in sweats and a loose t-shirt.

"Do you want a cup of coffee before we leave?"

"Sounds good. Do you run every morning?"

"Yeah, I drive down to City Park, it's a three and a half mile path."

"I haven't been running as much as I should lately, it's definitely time to get my act together. I hadn't even been to the gym in a couple of weeks before yesterday, and man, let me tell you, I felt it."

"Yeah, it's definitely an all or nothing commitment. Well, now you've got the dojo downstairs, so you don't have any excuses."

Jim smiled, and for some reason he found himself telling Duncan the truth, "Well, actually, I think not killing a bottle of whiskey after work every night is going to be the motivating factor. Weight lifting and hangovers just don't mix."

Duncan nodded, he agreed wholeheartedly. "Pour yourself some coffee, I'm going to go change and shave, I'll be out in a minute."

"Okay, sounds good."

Jim found himself a mug and filled it. Once Duncan was in the bathroom he found his eyes straying back to Blair, asleep in the bed. He'd moved to the exact middle, and was curled up on his side around a pillow. The bed was huge, and it made Blair look even smaller than he really was. For just a moment, Jim pictured him lying in his bed at home, exactly like that, and a pain spread from his gut up to the back of his throat. Then Duncan came out of the bathroom, and they left.

Blair was awake by the time they returned, sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee cradled between both hands. He looked up when they came in through the back door.

"Hey, morning," his voice was thick with sleep.

Duncan came over to ruffle the messy curls, bending down to give him a quick kiss, "You just wake up, kiddo? You don't look very with it yet."

"Yeah, first cup of coffee."

Duncan nodded, turning to Jim, behind him, "I'm gonna shower, if you don't want to wait till I'm done you can do downstairs to the locker room. There's towels and soap and everything down there. My manager's name is Spencer, just let him know you're a friend of mine and you're staying here for a while."

Jim looked surprised for a minute, then he recovered, "I can wait, I could use another cup of coffee. Thanks for the run, it was great."

"Yeah, it was, we should do this every morning." Duncan headed off to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Jim stood still, trying to figure out if Duncan had really just called him his friend.

"Morning. Did you have a good run?" Blair squinted up at him, the sight familiar and bittersweet.

"Yeah, it was great. Nice park."

"What did you talk about?"

"We ran, you don't talk while you run, Chief."

"Oh. Wait, I need more coffee."

Jim followed Blair back to the coffee pot, glad that there was a cup left after Blair had refilled his. Blair leaned back against the counter top, bracing his hands to hop up and sit cross legged on top of it.

"So, we should do some tests today. How were your senses while you were running, did you notice anything?"

"They're fine, everything feels pretty normal. I used my eyesight and my hearing a little, didn't want to go too far and zone while I was running or anything, but they worked okay."

"That's great, Jim. Which does not get you out of letting me run a few simple tests."

"Okay, okay, we'll do some tests," Jim sounded like he was agreeing to go to the dentist. "Blair, do you think we could find some time to talk today, alone? I want to talk about this Sentinel/Guide thing you're telling me is the root of all this."

Blair nodded, both pleased and nervous, "Yeah, man, that'd be good. We can talk about anything you want."

Jim took a deep breath, and looked Blair in the eye, "I feel incredibly stupid for being such a homophobic asshole with you, Blair. I don't know why I reacted that way. I mean, maybe I'm not totally comfortable around gay people, but how I reacted to you was way out of line, and I feel like such a jerk."

Blair put his hand on his arm, "Hey, I know that. I know you, remember? You reacted violently because you didn't want to face your own feelings. It's okay, Jim. We're gonna get over it, I promise."

"Okay. I can't go back and change it, so I guess that's my best bet."

Blair nodded, smiling. He was glad that Jim was starting to face that fact that he could only go forward from here. He started to answer, but Duncan emerged from the bathroom, and he could tell from the look on Jim's face that he didn't want him to continue the conversation.

"Do we want to make breakfast or go out, Caro?"

"You want to make pancakes."

"What's in it for me?" Duncan grinned playfully at Blair.

"I'll make more coffee and do the dishes?"

"Fair deal," Duncan walked up to Blair sitting cross legged on the counter, reaching out to tug a curl. "You're gonna have to get your adorable ass off the counter top if you want me to make breakfast."

"Hey, man, I live here too you know," Blair grinned back at him, climbing down off the high counter.

"I know." Duncan gave Blair a sweet, warm smile, "Didn't you say something about making more coffee?"

"Yep, I'm on it." Blair moved around Duncan to the coffee maker, taking the plastic basket out to throw away the grounds from their first pot.

"I'm gonna take a shower, Chief, did you pack my toothbrush?"

"No, I'm sorry, I didn't think to grab it. You can use mine, I don't care. It's the purple one."

"I would have guessed."

Blair laughed, he did have a penchant for outrageously colored toothbrushes. Jim went to shower and Duncan started putting pancake batter together in his largest mixing bowl. Blair came up behind him, wrapping his arms and his legs around his lover, "I love you so much," Blair crooned as he climbed up to settle on Duncan's back. Leaning in, he sucked Duncan's earlobe into his mouth, flicking with his tongue. "You are absolutely wonderful."

Duncan turned his head, nuzzling the side of Blair's face. "You don't have to thank me, I want to. You're right, it's the best solution. We should go downstairs after breakfast and check out what's down there, I don't even know. I think there's actually several rooms that could be made into an apartment, I don't really remember. I know there's a lot of furniture..." Duncan's words trailed off as Blair's mouth began to bite a line around the back of his neck, under his hair.

"Blair," Duncan cautioned, trying to measure flour while his lover molested his neck, hips grinding into his back.

"Hmm?" Blair's teeth bit down harder, sucking sensitive skin into his mouth.

"You're sabotaging your pancakes," Duncan informed him breathlessly, unable to resist bending his neck to offer more of his skin to Blair's teeth.

Blair chuckled against his skin, moving over to the other side of his throat. Duncan set the measuring cup down, backing Blair up to the counter top next to the sink. He slid Blair's behind safely onto the counter, and then turned in his lover's arms. In the blink of an eye Duncan's mouth was devouring Blair, suckling his full lips.

Blair wound his legs around Duncan's hips, grinding slowly against him. He grabbed Duncan's face and pulled their mouths apart.

"You're killing me, man," Blair panted, his eyes wild.

"You started it," Duncan teased, breathlessly. He held Blair's hungry gaze for a moment and then went back to his lips. Duncan's tongue plunged into his mouth and Blair squirmed, suddenly uncomfortable in his jeans. His hands trailed down Duncan's chest of their own accord, grasping the growing erection through Duncan's blue jeans. His palm rubbed back and forth insistently, his other hand caught up in Duncan's hair, holding his lips against him.

"Mmm, not nice."

"Very nice," Blair argued in a throaty whisper, squeezing his lover gently.

"Jim's in the shower," Duncan warned, but never stopped nibbling Blair's full mouth.

"Yeah... I know," Blair tore his mouth from his lover, suddenly remembering that Jim could hear everything they were saying if he wanted to.

Duncan reached between them, pulling Blair's hands away reluctantly. "Later. I promise."

"Okay," Blair took a few deep, shaky breaths, watching Duncan go back to the pancakes. When Jim came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, he was very glad that Duncan had made him stop.

Jim felt better, for both the run and the shower. In fact, he thought, he felt almost like his old self. He left the bathroom, and went to join Duncan and Blair in the kitchen. Halfway there he stopped, and sat down on the couch instead. The scent of Blair's body hit him hard, filling his nostril with the sharp/sweet scent of arousal, and then he realized it was Duncan's, too. Jim took a deep breath, grinding his teeth behind his clenched jaw. He didn't want to react to this, he didn't want to feel this at all. It was enough, he told himself firmly, to have Blair's friendship. It was all he'd wanted in the first place, to have his Guide back, but watching Blair watching Duncan made him ache inside.

Duncan poured the first of the pancakes onto the griddle, and the wonderful smell hit Jim's sensitive nose.

"Ah, that smells great, MacLeod," Jim gave Duncan a genuine smile.

"Thanks, Blair's a real fan of pancakes. What do you say we check the rooms downstairs after breakfast? I think there are four different rooms on the third floor. They're all pretty big."

"Sounds good to me," Jim poured himself another cup of coffee now that the smell of the pancakes was filling the room, and sat down at the island. "What kind of tests did you want to do, Chief?"

"Just some simple stuff, establishing perimeters, y'know, the usual. I want to be sure you've got the full extent of all of your senses back. You look a lot more like your old self today."

"I do feel better. More stable than I have in a long time."

Duncan flipped his pancakes and got himself some coffee. Jim did look better today, he thought. Was this improvement all because he had his Guide back? Blair seemed to think so. After spending the past few weeks with Blair, Duncan could certainly understand how someone could become dependent on him. He thought that if Blair were to leave him now his world would be very dark, lonely and boring. But this connection between Jim and Blair went deeper than that. What was it like to depend on someone for your sanity? Jim must trust Blair implicitly, for him to be able to put his life in Blair's hands like this.

Blair took a seat next to Jim at the table, waiting for the pancakes to be done. "How'd you sleep? That couch isn't exactly your size," he flashed a silly grin at the larger man.

"Not too bad, actually,." Jim let Blair's light hearted mood wash over him. He was admitting more than he'd planned to before he knew what he was saying, "I just tuned in to your heartbeat and I was out before I knew it."

"Seriously?" Blair's eyes got big and Jim could swear he could hear the gears moving in Blair's head,"That's the kind of thing I was talking about yesterday, man. Did you do that before, when we lived together?"

It was tearing Jim apart to think about how it used to be, but he answered Blair truthfully, "Yeah, Chief, every night. It was as much of a habit as brushing my teeth."

Duncan could hear the pain in Jim's voice. He was beginning to understand what it must have been like for Jim to lose his Guide. If he fell asleep every night listening to Blair's heartbeat, what other daily assurances of his Guide's presence did he lose? Thinking about what had happened between the Sentinel and his Guide from Jim's point of view for the first time, Duncan was beginning to realize just how horrible losing Blair must have been.

Blair was looking at Jim with sad, wide open eyes, "How come you never told me that before?"

Jim shrugged uncomfortably, "I don't know, Chief."

"Did you tune into my heartbeat at other times? Was it something you did consciously?"

"Maybe I wasn't thinking of it consciously at the time, but now that you mention it, I did focus in your heart rate. I think it was kind of a reflex reaction. I'd do it at crime scenes, or when we were in a crowd, or just from time to time throughout the day. Strange that I never really thought about it before."

Blair shook his head, hair flying, "No, Jim, it's not, not at all. What's strange is that I never thought about it. I mean, there it is, the key to preventing you from zoning right inside my chest, and it never occurred to me to tell you to concentrate on my heartbeat. That's got to be way easier to hold on to than my voice when you're focused on something else, like scent or sight."

"Sometimes when you brought me out of zones it was the first thing that would register. It's almost like I hear it different than other heartbeats."

"Different how?" Blair was excited.

"I don't know, Chief, just different. It's just that I can always identify it, I can find you in a crowd, I can hear it when you're farther away than I can normal people."

"Wow. Jim, this is a major revelation." Blair was interrupted by the plate of hot flapjacks that Duncan set down in front of him.

"Oh man, you've outdone yourself, Duncan. These look fabulous!"

"Thanks. Here you go, Jim, be careful, the plate's hot."

"Thanks." Jim started in on his pancakes with enthusiasm, "Hey, MacLeod, these are phenomenal. You a chef or something?"

Duncan laughed, coming over to join them at the table with his own plate. "No, just years of practice."

"They're perfect," Blair told him, rolling up half a flap jack to stuff in his mouth.

Jim watched Blair, imagining the speed of light processing his Guide's brain was doing with the data he'd been given. What had made him tell Blair about listening to his heartbeat? Jim told himself it didn't matter anymore, he might as well give Blair the truth.

"Jim?" Blair reached for his coffee cup, taking a big gulp to wash down the gooey flapjacks.

"What?"

"Try and remember the first time your senses screwed up after I left. When was it? Do you remember?"

Jim frowned, closing his eyes for a moment. He didn't want to have to remember that night anymore, it hurt too damn much. He nodded, his eyes still closed, "Yeah, I do."

Blair leaned forward in his chair, excited again, "When was it? Where?"

Jim opened his eyes. "About three weeks after you left, at the loft... I was sitting on the couch, watching t.v., and my hearing spiked. It was like somebody turned the dial all the way up and ripped the knob off."

Blair winced, "What happened? What did you zone on?"

Jim looked quickly at his Guide, and then down at his plate. "I don't know what caused it, I don't remember, I was uh, pretty drunk."

"How did you turn it back down?"

"I... I went and sat on the floor in your room."

"Did that work?"

"Yeah, after awhile."

Blair thought quickly. "Do you have any idea why? Can you remember what you were thinking about when you were there, or what you were feeling?"

Blair's voice had slipped into it's slower, deeper, Guide mode, trying to lead him back and coax the memory from him. Jim didn't need him to, he remembered everything about that night in vivid detail. It took him a long time to answer. Jim glanced at Duncan, and saw that he was listening with interest, but obviously was not going to butt in.

"Yeah, I could still smell you. Only for about the first six weeks after you were gone. It faded."

"And that made it better?"

"Yeah, I guess. I don't know, Chief, I wasn't really thinking straight. I was so pissed off at you..." Jim looked down at his hands miserably. "I kept going back to your room though. The only time I was okay was when I'd sit in there."

"Okay as opposed to what? Tell me about it."

Jim shrugged, slumping back in his chair. "Didn't Simon tell you everything?"

"He told me that you were zoning like every other day, and you'd turned into a total asshole. I'd really like something more specific, Jim."

Jim tried to find the words to describe what the past four months had been like. They'd been hell. "Like being trapped in a bubble. The opposite of sensory overload. I couldn't feel anything. Everything looked dim, everything sounded far away. Even smell... And I got really frustrated over it when my senses didn't work. Just, like, rage. Actually, Chief, everything made me mad. I was a total jerk to Sam, to everybody, really. It was like I was watching myself go over the deep end, and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it. Then I'd get pissed at you for not being there to fix it, and that would make me pissed at myself for throwing you out, and then it'd be zone out time."

"Oh man, that must have sucked."

Jim looked at Duncan, because he knew he wasn't ready to face the sympathy in Blair's eyes, "I brought it on myself. I deserved it."

Duncan nodded slowly, but it was more than just agreement. There was sympathy and acceptance and encouragement in the other man's direct gaze. Jim let out a deep breath, and smiled his thanks briefly back at Duncan. He felt better for saying it.

"No way, Jim. You're only half right, man. Yeah, you brought it on yourself, with some help from me, but man, you didn't deserve it. Nobody deserves to be in pain, no matter what they did. I don't want you to look at it like that, Jim. We're both going to have take some radical steps here and give up on the guilt thing, okay?"

"If you say so, Chief."

"I do, and I mean it."

Jim nodded, meeting his Guide's serious eyes, "Okay, I'll try."

"Good."

Blair got up, taking all of their plates into the kitchen and stacking them in the sink. After clearing off the rest of the table, Blair started in on dishes, leaving Duncan and Jim to make conversation between themselves. Blair listened to them making plans for Jim's apartment downstairs. He was still amazed by how easily his lover and his Sentinel had come to terms with each other. Blair watched them from the sink, thinking about it, and finally he decided it was a tough-guy thing, a matter of pride and a willingness of both parties to please him. He smiled, thinking that the best thing to do was to stay out of it and let them find out for themselves how much they had in common.

When the dishes were done they all went downstairs to inspect Jim's future living space. As Duncan had thought, more than half the third floor was empty. Crates of furniture and trunks full of his belongings were stored in two of the rooms on the floor, but the larger two were empty. They went to the back of the building and looked around a space that faced east. The hardwood floor was in fairly good condition, but it would need to be scrubbed and waxed. Jim walked around slowly, his eyes studying everything with careful attention.

"So, whatcha' think? Is this gonna work?" Blair was standing in the middle of the large, empty room, bouncing excitedly on the balls of his feet.

Jim nodded slowly, "Yeah. Yeah, I think it is, Chief. It's not bad. We can definitely work with this. Duncan, what do you think it's gonna cost to get the wiring and the plumbing in?"

"I have no idea. We'll work it out, don't worry about it."

Jim agreed amiably, but was already deciding to sell the loft in Cascade and use the money to repay Duncan the costs of setting the place up for him. Whatever was left over should be enough to do something with, as soon as he figured out what the hell it was he was going to do with the rest of his life.

Standing between Jim and Duncan in the elevator on the way back up to the loft, Blair laughed out loud. Craning his neck up first to look at Duncan, and then at Jim, he shook his head, "Man, I feel really short."

"You are," Duncan and Jim replied in unison. Realizing what they'd done, their eyes met over Blair's head, and they laughed.

"Oh man, I can see this situation having some very serious drawbacks. House rule: No ganging up on the little guy, okay?" Blair looked from his lover to his partner, both had mock innocent expressions. "Great, I'm doomed," Blair mumbled in faked disgust, preceding them into the loft.

"So, you ready to run some tests, big guy?"

"Yeah, let's get it over with."

"Come on, Jim, it's no big deal. Just relax, I'm not gonna make you do anything hard, I just have to make sure I know where you're at, and compare the results to the levels of your last test."

"Do you need me to leave?" Duncan asked, looking from Jim to Blair.

Blair shrugged, "No, as long as Jim's okay, it doesn't matter to me if you're here. We might have to go outside to work on the sight though."

Duncan looked back to Jim, raising his eyebrows questioningly.

"No, man, it's your house. I'm not gonna kick you out..."

Duncan shook his head, "No, it's no problem. If it's easier to do the tests without me here just let me know, I can go out for a while."

Jim saw that Duncan really didn't mind, and he almost said yes, just to be alone with Blair, but his conscience wouldn't let him. He felt like it would be taking advantage of Duncan's good will, and he couldn't do that, not after everything he'd done for him.

"No, I don't care if you're here. Long as you don't go running off to notify the National Inquirer and the local news stations."

Blair laughed out loud, thinking that his Immortal lover was the very least likely person to do such a thing. Duncan gave him a quick look, and then smiled at Jim.

"I won't, I promise." Going over to his desk, he pulled out the invoices for the dojo for the month. Taking out the checkbook from the top drawer, he began the task of writing out the monthly checks and entering the payments into the leather bound account book.

Blair was in the kitchen, adding minuscule amounts of salt, sugar, baking soda, cinnamon and vodka to four different glasses of water. He filled a fifth glass with pure water for control. Jim sat on the couch, his back obediently turned away from Blair's preparations.

"Okay, Jim, we're ready, come on over."

Jim got up, going to stand next to Blair at the counter.

"Close your eyes for me, okay? I don't have a blindfold."

Jim closed his eyes and Blair handed him the first glass.

Jim's hand fumbled for the cup, and Blair closed his hand around it for him. With his eyes closed, the touch went right through him, filling him with a longing for his Guide's touch so strong that Jim almost moaned. It wasn't sexual, or not exactly, he didn't even know what he wanted, other than that he needed to feel Blair's touch, to have his Guide as close as he could get...

"Jim, come on, Jim, you're hearing me here buddy, open your eyes. Listen to my heart beat, Jim, open your eyes..." Blair's coaxing voice broke through the thick haze of need that had drawn him into himself. Jim opened his eyes, Blair was standing very close, one hand reaching up to touch his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Chief."

"No, no, don't be sorry, It's okay. We'll take it slow. I shouldn't have taken sight away without testing it first, now I've screwed it up..."

"No. I wasn't zoning. Not exactly."

"Jim, you zoned, trust me buddy, I was here, you weren't," Blair's smiled at him, and Jim had to put his hands behind his back to keep from touching him. He made himself look at Duncan, sitting at his desk, hoping that would help.

"No, Chief, it wasn't... You touched my hand..."

"And it hurt?"

"No. It just made me... Never mind. I'm okay now, really. Let's go ahead." Jim closed his eyes again, feeling for a glass on the counter top. Taking a small sip, he made a face, "Baking soda. What, no vanilla, Chief?"

"Nope. Good job, here's the next," this time Blair was careful not to touch Jim when he put the glass into his hand.

Jim tasted the water, then drank again. "Nothing."

"Alright, great. We're doing really good."

Jim passed the remainder of the test, easily identifying all the substances Blair had laced the tap water with, and gave him a breakdown of the trace minerals as well.

"Wow, Jim, this is really impressive. You've identified more trace elements in the water than you ever have before. How did taste feel earlier, when we ate breakfast? Was it heightened? More intense at all?"

Jim shook his head, "I don't think so, Chief. Although I may have been guilty of turning it up a little, Duncan's flapjacks were fantastic."

"Okay, lets move on. We can work on sound next. Relax, take a breath, tell me what you can hear."

Jim closed his eyes again, filtering through the layers of sound. "Your heartbeat, Duncan's. His pen on the paper, the refrigerator, water in the pipes, traffic noise."

"Good, good, now stretch it out a little, take it slow..."

Jim cocked his head to the side, listening intently for a moment. "There's a couple arguing in a car in traffic just outside the building. She thinks he's cheating on her... She's right, his heart's pounding like crazy, he's lying... Some kids are playing on skateboards or something, I hear wheels on the sidewalk. There's a woman walking on the other side of the street with high heels, she's carrying something, bottles..."

He realized that Duncan had looked up from his books and was staring at him in astonishment. Jim grinned at him, shrugging his shoulders eloquently.

"That's great Jim! You're doing really good. Can you stretch out a little more for me? Try and see how far you can go."

Jim's eyes closed, and his head turned to the side, towards the open window. "Just traffic noise, pieces of different conversations... Wait, about three blocks down there's a movie theater. I can't tell you what's playing, sounds like an action flick though."

"Mafia Kickboxer 3. It was awesome. Man, you are totally amazing. Okay, pull back before something annihilates your ears."

Jim nodded, using Blair's voice to gauge how far back to turn the dial.

"You're doing really great, Jim, way farther than the last time we tested. I'm kinda confused by that, but I've got a few theories going that I'll run by you when we're done. Just a couple more, okay? Let's do smell next. Take a deep breath, start filtering through the scents closest to you. Tell me what you get."

Jim inhaled slowly, Blair's new shampoo and the familiar condition registering first. There was the salt of Blair's sweat, not very strong, the smell of fabric softener on his shirt, and the mellow, earthy scent that was just his Guide. On top of that, sharper, was Duncan's smell on his skin, and the lingering trace of Blair's arousal. He forced himself to turn it down, as quickly as he could, his brain sending urgent signals to block the painful scent out before he zoned. He had the desperate, almost violent urge to pull Blair against his body and replace the unfamiliar scent. His hands closed over the edge of the counter top, gripping it hard to keep from yanking Blair against his body and rubbing Duncan's scent off his skin until it was gone completely. He took a deep breath, and made himself answer Blair.

"You. You changed shampoos. Sandalwood. Something else is different..." His voice dropping so that Blair had to strain to hear him, "Duncan, on your skin."

"No way! You can smell him on me? That's amazing. I mean, it's not like we just screwed around or anything," Blair stopped, biting his lip, "Oh, man, I'm sorry, Jim, that was totally crass.

Jim wondered if maybe he was a masochist, because it was almost easier when Blair spit it out like that, the pain was more direct.

"It's okay, Chief."

Blair nodded, watching Jim carefully, "Okay, um, let's just try and pan around the kitchen. Tell me what you get."

Jim nodded, closing his eyes again for a moment. His sensitive nostrils flared, filtering through the myriad of scents surrounding him, "Spices. Some I don't know. Cumin? Oregano, basil, chile powder... Do you want me to name them all or keep going?"

"Go ahead and take it a little farther out, what else can you smell in the kitchen?"

"The food in the refrigerator. Fish, milk, cheddar cheese. A couple different kinds of bread. What is that? Cream cheese? Yeah, and um, some kind of chutney, mango, I think. Oh, and something's going bad, leftover lasagna I think...you might want to check on that Duncan."

Blair grinned at Duncan across the room, he just nodded, looking a little shell shocked.

"Okay, great, let's keep going. What else?" Blair's voice was resonant, coaching Jim patiently.

"Um, cleaning products under the sink. Cleanser, bleach, 409 or Windex or something, a moldy sponge. Lemon oil for furniture."

"Oh man, that's really good Jim, you're doing great. Okay, scan out a little, what else is around you? What other scents?"

Jim smiled, shaking his head at Blair's unflagging enthusiasm. He closed his eyes, inhaling obediently.

"The oil and grease in the elevator gears. Something from Duncan's coat, he's been around water, a harbor probably, traces of boat fuel and pollution. And there's a mint in his pocket. There's that other oil I smelled earlier, too."

Blair sent Duncan a look that plainly said, 'relax, don't worry' and moved to less dangerous subjects.

"Keep moving around the room, anything else?"

Jim frowned, inhaling deeply again. The layers of scents were starting to give him a headache.

"There's enough hair care products in that bathroom to start a supply company. Do you want me to start naming extracts?"

Blair laughed, but he could see that the exercise was beginning to put a strain on both his Sentinel's sense of smell and his patience, and called an end to the test.

"No, that's okay, Jim. That's enough for now. Let's take a break for a minute. Do you want a glass of water?"

"Yeah, that'd be good," Jim rubbed his temples, leaning against the counter.

"Here you go. Man, that was way more than I expected. Your senses aren't just 'fine' Jim, they're more acute than they've ever been. Were they like this in the jungle?"

Jim thought about it for a minute. "Yeah, after Incacha found me, when he started following me around and telling me stories."

Blair's eyes lit up, and a slow, victorious smile spread across his face, "It's me."

"Whatever, Chief. What's next? Are we almost done?"

Blair laughed, Jim was like a little kid taking medicine when it came to testing his abilities. This was the most willing he'd ever been, and he was still complaining.

"Yeah, almost. Three down, two to go. Gimme a second here."

Blair went to his backpack, pulling out one of spiral notebooks. Finding the last page he'd written on, notes for the midterms he'd be giving that week. Turning three more pages into the spiral, Blair ripped out the page, bringing it over to Jim at the counter.

Jim took it, squinting at the slight depressions. "No, no, close your eyes," Blair admonished, taking the sheet of notebook paper from Jim's hand and setting it down on the counter top. "Use your fingertips, see if you can read it."

"Blair..."

"Come on, Jim, they make machines that can do this for murder cases, you can do it, probably better. Give it a shot..."

Jim's hand fell to the counter, finding the top of the page. Holding the confettied edge under his left hand, Jim moved his fingertips slowly across the page. At first he didn't follow the blue lines of the notebook paper, but then as his fingertips picked up the slight impression he began to read, slowly,

"This is the driving force in society today, need gratification, and for that reason...," he slowly deciphered the words.

"Jim! That's incredible! Wow, you couldn't do this two pages past the writing last time we tried, and that was three. You're awesome, man."

"Nice to have a clean bill of health," Jim joked dryly, finishing the rest of the sentence out of curiosity's sake before Blair took the blank sheet away.

"Almost done. Just a couple more, I promise. Here, um, let's see... Yeah, that should work." Blair pulled the tie out of his hair, shaking out his mop of curls, "Give me your hand."

"Why?"

"Because I fell off my bike when I was nine and got four stitches on my scalp and I bet you can find the scar, although it's got to be invisible by now."

Jim closed his eyes resolutely, and let Blair take his hand and put it on the top of his head. Soft, but not silky, like raw silk, actually, soft and rough at the same time... Jim clenched his jaw, afraid to do this and unwilling to tell Blair why. His fingertips worked their way through Blair's curls all by themselves, finding his scalp. His whole hand was buried in Blair's hair, it was that thick, and the sandalwood was soothing, now that he was used to it. Jim tried to concentrate on the hair follicles and soft scalp beneath his fingers, but Blair's exhaled breath on his arm was too much. He moaned quietly, and dragged his hand away.

"Jim? Talk to me... what is it?"

"I can't."

"Okay, no problem, you don't have to, buddy. I'm sorry. Talk to me, Jim, what happened?"

"I don't know," Jim knew he was lying, but he couldn't find any words to say what happened, especially not with Duncan across the room.

"Yeah, you do, but it's okay. No problem, Jim, we'll talk about it later. You're wiped out, we should stop."

"No arguments here, Professor."

Duncan made his last entry and put the record book back in his desk drawer. Getting up, he stretched, his arms crossing behind his back. He wandered back to the couch, settling in the corner.

"That was really amazing, Jim. How much of a strain does it put on you to use your senses like that?"

Jim shook his head,"That's normal for me, everything is just a little bit... more. But I can focus one sense if I think about it consciously."

"Oh, yeah, he doesn't need any help or anything, he can do it all by himself... Don't give me any credit." Blair grinned at Jim across the room, teasing lightly.

Jim gave him his best tough-cop glare, and then cracked up, "With help like you who needs trouble, Chief?" But Blair knew he didn't mean it.

Duncan reached for the remote, flipping channels until he found a basketball game. "Hey, Jag's are playing the Nuggets, it's a game they can win, Blair."

"Hey, come on, they are not down that far," Blair came over to flop next to Duncan.

"Face it, kiddo, they're not going to make it to the playoffs this year."

"No way, man, you have no faith!" Blair poked Duncan in the side.

Blair reached for his laptop, settling cross legged next to Duncan on the couch to divide his attention between the game and the results of the tests he and Jim had done.

As Duncan had predicted, the Jags won the game. Blair had abandoned the laptop in the last quarter. He bounced on the couch, yelling encouragement to the players and arguing with the commentators and with Jim. Duncan chuckled at his lover's enthusiasm, ruffling his curls. Turning the volume down, he handed Blair the remote.

"I'm going to go work on my kata, I'll see you guys in a couple of hours."

Duncan went to get the katana from its place next to the bed. Grabbing the elevator keys, he dropped a quick kiss on Blair's forehead, leaving Jim and Blair alone in the loft.

Part 18

By Zen&nancy

"That was a great game, Chief. They win three or four more like that and they just might just make it."

"I'm telling you, man, it's going to happen, no question, total rebound."

They were alone in the loft. Duncan was downstairs working out in the dojo.

"That's what I like about you, Chief, you're an optimist."

"Yeah, you should be glad I am, man, or you might not be here at all."

Jim's expression turned serious, "I don't think optimism had anything to do with it. How did you know, Blair?"

Blair shook his head, smiling, "I have no idea. It was the strangest thing I've ever felt, Jim. I mean, there I was, standing in the kitchen doing dishes, and out of nowhere, just, like, this panic thing, and I knew."

"So what do you think, Chief? You're a genetic throwback, predestined to be a Guide?" Jim smiled, teasing Blair, but half serious.

Blair shrugged, "Maybe. Who knows? I could definitely agree that I have the predisposition for it, though. I don't care what it was, I'm just grateful it worked, man. You scared the living shit out of me, Jim."

"Me too, Chief."

"Can we talk about that, man? I know you don't want to, Jim, but shit, you put a gun to your head. We really need to figure out what happened."

"I don't know, Chief. I was out of my mind, and I did something really stupid. Can't we just go forward from here?"

"No, man, we can't. Look, you are just like, drowning in denial here. Can't you see that? I think it's a major factor in how you got to that point in the first place. Now you want to blow this off, too. You can't do that. You gotta face it, man. You gotta talk to me." Blair's eyes pleaded with Jim.

Jim rubbed the ridge above his brow, nodding. "Yeah, okay, I understand, but this isn't easy for me to talk about. What do you want me to say, Chief?"

"Hey, come on, Jim, I know that it's hard. Okay, let's start here... Tell me about calling me at the University. What was going on in your head?"

Jim thought about it, trying to remember. The last few days before he'd left Cascade were pretty fuzzy. "I can't really remember, Chief. Just knowing I needed you back, hoping that you'd be willing to listen to me."

"Yeah, but what were you feeling? Angry? Afraid? Depressed?"

Jim nodded, "Yeah, all that."

"Angry at me?"

"Yeah, at you, at Duncan, mostly at myself. I think I was just starting to realize how badly I'd screwed everything up."

"You really think it was all your fault?"

"Yeah, of course it is, Blair. I kicked you out..."

"Because I jumped you. No, come on, man, we gotta talk about what happened if we're going to get over this."

Jim nodded, he was embarrassed, but he wanted to talk about it. What had happened in the kitchen just now with Blair's touch test was upsetting. He didn't want to tell him, but at the same time he wanted his Guide's opinion. How was he going to find the courage to tell him about that, if he couldn't even talk honestly about what had happened four months ago?

"How do I do that, Blair? How do I get over it?"

Blair's smile was sad. "I'm not all that sure it's an option, big guy. I told you, I really think that the attraction between us is a lot more chemical that emotional. A pheromone thing, like Laura, remember? Something designed to keep a Sentinel and his Guide from separating, a bond that strengthens the others... But I suppose if you want to get over it, the best way to start would be to face it, name it. Stop saying 'it' and tell me what you really feel."

Blair realized that his hands were shaking. He was incredibly nervous, but one of them was going to have to have the guts to get it out in the open. He kept looking at Jim, trying not to communicate any of his own fear to his Sentinel.

"I don't know... I need you."

"How?"

Jim closed his eyes, "Come on, Blair, I can't do this."

"Yes, you can. I'm not giving you any choice. Jim, listen to me... This is so important to me, man. I need you, too. I missed you so much, Jim. You can't even imagine. I was so scared. It was the scariest thing in the world to go to sleep at night and know that nobody was listening. I was so mixed up, man. I was furious with you for becoming so important to me that when I had to live by myself I felt like I was nothing. But I did that to myself, Jim, I let you define who and what I was, I let myself become totally obsessed with you..."

"I'm sorry, Blair. I'm so sorry. I know I took advantage of you. I shut you out and pushed you away as much as I could. I did it because I knew I needed you, and I'm not good at needing people. I've done it to everybody, all my life, I never let anybody in. You know me so much better than anybody else in the world, partner. I guess I didn't want to need you any more than I already did, so I blocked you out and tried to take control of every aspect of our lives."

"Jim, tell me the truth... When did you figure out you were attracted to me?"

"I don't know. At some level I think I was always aware of how you felt about me, I just never let myself admit it. I think maybe I wanted you to have a crush on me, I just didn't want to have to deal with it. That makes me a total asshole, doesn't it?"

Blair smiled, "No, it doesn't. It's natural, first of all, and second, I really think this goes a lot deeper... Jim, think about it this way, we're linked, like a magnetic thing, what would physical intimacy do to the Sentinel/Guide dynamic? Would we get psychic or what? I mean, come on, Jim, you have to see the connection between us, you hear my heart beat differently. Why? Because you have to be able to. You have to be able to find me. I knew you were going to kill yourself. That time when I got dosed with Golden... I heard you, I was able to distinguish you from all the things I was seeing, even when nobody else could get through to me."

"I remember," Jim interrupted softly, remembering again what it had felt like to hold Blair in his arms, waiting for the ambulance. "I'm not denying it, Blair. You're right, we're connected. I think I've always known that much, even if I never admitted it."

"But do you get what I'm saying? That the sexual attraction is a part of that, a fail-safe, maybe, or maybe more than that, I don't know." Blair looked at Jim anxiously.

"It makes sense. Blair... I have to tell you the truth. It's killing me, seeing you with him. I'm glad you're happy, Blair, I really am, and I even think MacLeod's a pretty decent guy, but it's ripping me apart, Chief. This morning, doing the tests, when you handed me the water... you touched my hand and I lost it, but I wasn't really zoning. You touched me and I just needed more. I wanted to grab you and not let go. It was almost impossible not to. When you put my hand in your hair it was too much, I was going to zone."

"That is so not good. Can we try that again, see what happens? I can't have you zoning out on me every time I touch you," Blair asked, but he was already moving from the couch to kneel in front of Jim. He took Jim's hand, watching him carefully. His Sentinel's eyes were full of pain, and then his grip on Jim's hand was returned and he was pulled hard against Jim's chest. Jim wrapped his arms around him, tight enough to immobilize him. They breathed in and out together, and then Jim released him, pushing him away gently and jumping to his feet.

"I can't do this, Blair. It hurts too much. I need you. I can't have you. I don't think I can do this."

"Jim..." Blair tried to go to him, but Jim backed away.

"No. Let me go for a walk. I'm sorry, Chief, I'm not running out on you, but I really need some fresh air, I need to clear my head."

Blair stopped, not trying to go to him again. "Yeah, I understand, Jim, it's okay, but I don't want you to zone. Can I come with you?"

"No. I'm gonna be fine, Chief. I'm not going to lose it walking around the block. Cut me a little slack here."

Blair frowned, not really happy about Jim going off alone. "Okay, but I don't like it. And please, promise me you won't go too far. We really haven't figured out yet how long or how far away you can handle."

"I won't. Don't worry, I can handle it. I'll be back," Jim grabbed his jacket, heading for the back door and the stairs to the street.

Blair stood in the middle of the room, trying to get his emotions under control and analyze what had just happened. What were they going to do about it? Blair began to pace, circling the small amount of open floor space. How was he going explain all of this to Duncan? Blair's hands went up to his hair, raking through the curls anxiously. He was sure that when Duncan had told him that he wouldn't come between Jim and his Guide, this was not what he meant. Blair spoke aloud, berating himself miserably, "If you lose him over this, it will be the biggest mistake of your life. How can you expect him to deal with this? He's already breaking his back to make you happy... Oh, God, Duncan, please don't let me lose you..." Blair stopped pacing, unable to continue the progression of his thoughts. He needed to be with Duncan, right now. He hesitated, the one thing he'd never done was barge in on Duncan when he was practicing with his sword.

He waited another five minutes, and when Duncan didn't come upstairs, he went down, hoping he was nearly finished, because he couldn't make himself wait anymore.

"Duncan, I'm sorry... I need to talk to you," Blair spoke quietly, watching Duncan and his sword slowly come to a standstill.

"Now?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry... I really do. Jim went for a walk..."

"Is everything okay?"

"Um, sort of..."

Blair looked so distressed that Duncan put down his sword, coming over to put his arms around his shoulders. "Are you okay, kiddo?"

"Uh-uh," Blair pushed his face uncaringly into Duncan's sweat slicked chest, wrapping his arms around his waist.

Duncan hugged Blair close, murmuring into his curls, "Tell me, Caro. What's upset you?"

"I'm afraid to. I don't want to lose you. I'm asking so much of you already, and I don't know what to do about it, Duncan, I really don't..."

"Shh, relax, it's okay, sweetie. You're not going to lose me, I promise. I love you, remember? Everything's going to be okay."

"Yeah, but I don't know how to handle it. I don't want him to be unhappy..."

"Okay, just relax, backtrack a little for me, Blair. What don't you know how to handle?"

Blair took a deep breath, "Okay, but we gotta sit down, this is gonna take a while..."

Duncan dropped cross legged onto the mat, waiting patiently while Blair paced back and forth in front of him. His lover was extremely upset, and the longer he took to tell Duncan what was wrong, the more concerned Duncan became.

"Oh, man, this is just not easy. I am so fucking scared that I'm going to lose you, Duncan. I don't want that, I really, really don't. Okay. Um, I've drawn some pretty definite conclusions about the Sentinel/Guide relationship. Jim's pretty much admitted to me that he's been totally repressing everything he feels for me out of fear. Which is pretty wild all by itself. I'm really seeing this as all being interconnected, man. His grounding himself on my heartbeat without even knowing it half the time, the way he zoned on me when I touched his hand, it's all about this link. It's a really powerful thing, Duncan, and I just don't know how we're gonna handle it. I'm so afraid that it's gonna fuck everything up. I mean, you two were just starting to realize how much you have in common and all, and I don't want to ruin it..."

"Whoa, just slow down a little, kiddo. Calm down, okay? You're trying to tell me five different things at once here."

Blair took a deep, frustrated breath and flopped down next to Duncan.

"Let me try and help you out here, Caro. You're trying to tell me that you think that you were right all along, and that sex is a natural part of the Sentinel/Guide relationship, is that right?" Duncan's voice was calm, his dark eyes regarding his agitated lover warmly.

Blair nodded, "Um, yeah, basically."

"But, you don't want to leave me?"

"Oh man, no way. Never. Duncan, I am so afraid that this is going to be more than any of us can deal with, and I have to find a way to make it work, because I can't loose you, and I have to help Jim. I don't see any solutions here, not any realistic ones, anyway. I just don't know what to do. I'm just beginning to figure this whole thing out, and now he's zoning on me every time I touch him."

Duncan took a deep breath, and reached for Blair's hands, pulling him into his arms. Uncrossing his legs, he settled Blair between them, rubbing his back soothingly.

"You've been taking it one step at a time so far, and it's been working. Every instinct you've had about this entire situation has been right on the mark. Just take it as it comes, Caro, and be honest with me. It's going to be all right."

"Oh man, I wish I had as much faith in me as you do."

"That's the whole point, Blair, I do have faith in you, and so does Jim. We've all dealt with this pretty well up until now, don't be so hard on yourself, and don't panic. You are not going to lose me. I'm not going to just give up or walk away from you, Caro. You should know me better than that by now. I need you in my life, and I'm here for you, no matter what."

Blair closed his eyes, leaning back against Duncan. "Yeah, I do. I love you too. I guess I'm just feeling guilty... I wish I could clone myself."

Duncan turned Blair's shoulders around to look at him, "Why are you feeling guilty, Caro? Just tell me, Blair."

"This attraction isn't just a one-way thing, Duncan! I can't help it. I'm trying so fucking hard and it's just as impossible as it ever was. Especially because he's finally admitting it too... But I love you with all my heart and soul, Duncan. Man, this is so fucked up. I feel like anything I do I'm going to hurt someone, and hurting either of you is like cutting out my own heart. I just keep running it around in my head and I can't figure it out and I just don't know what to do."

Blair collapsed against Duncan, he'd run out of steam and he was emotionally exhausted. Duncan pulled him closer, kissing the top of his head. Blair went boneless in his embrace, soaking up Duncan's love. It felt so good, to have his strong arms around him and his bare chest under his cheek.

"Hang on," Duncan murmured, kissing Blair's temple. Blair's arms came up around Duncan's neck, his legs wrapped tightly around Duncan's waist. Duncan stood up, rolling forward to a squat and rising slowly.

"I still don't know how the hell you do that," Blair whispered in his ear, hanging on tight.

"Leverage."

Duncan crossed the empty dojo, kicking the door to the locker room open with the ball of his foot.

"What are we doing?"

"Stealing a little time alone," Duncan answered softly, carrying Blair over to the nearest bench and squatting to set him down, sitting on it.

"Oh. That sounds really good."

"Yeah, it does," Duncan whispered, unbuttoning Blair's flannel and pushing it off his shoulders. Leaning in, Duncan pressed his lips softly to Blair's, and then again, his mouth warm and gentle. Blair let Duncan lean him back, his arm behind Blair's back supporting him as his other hand dealt quickly with the button and zipper of Blair's jeans, pushing them off his hips.

Blue eyes smiled up at him, anxiety replaced by anticipation. Duncan untied his hiking boots, pulling off his socks and putting them in his shoes so they wouldn't get dripped on.

He lifted Blair off the bench and the jeans fell from his knees to the floor. Reaching one hand between them, he pulled the drawstring of the gi he was wearing and the loose cotton pants fell around his ankles. Blair started to slip and wrapped his legs tighter around Duncan's middle. Duncan bounced him higher on his hips, his arms tightening around the narrow waist.

"This is good," Blair mumbled against his shoulder, pressing himself closer to Duncan's sweat slicked skin. "I missed you."

"I know. Me too."

Duncan carried his lover around the corner to the showers.

"It's cold in here," Blair complained, goose bumps standing out on his arms.

"It is, but we have hot water," Duncan told him huskily, maneuvering them into one of the wide stalls.

Holding on to Blair with one arm around his hips, Duncan turned the knob on the wall, adjusting the water temperature.

"Mm, that feels good." Duncan stood under the hot spray, his legs braced apart, shoulders leaning back against the tiled wall.

"Fantastic," Blair agreed, unlocking his ankles around Duncan's back and sliding down to his feet. He covered Duncan with his body, pressing him against the wall. "Oh, man, I am so glad I came downstairs. I was really freaked... I love you." Blair's neck bent back to look up at his lover.

"Don't worry, love, it's going to be okay. Just be honest with me, I trust you. Kiss me, Blair," Duncan's eyes were full of love, he leaned down to capture the soft lips, drawing Blair up against him. Their tongues tangled slowly under the hot water, hands sliding over wet skin.

"I love you so much, Duncan," Blair almost sobbed against Duncan's shoulder. His hands moved over the hard, pumped muscles of Duncan's arms and shoulder, spreading out across his back.

Duncan's lips were soft, whispering against his mouth, "I know, I'm the luckiest man in the world. Don't talk, just kiss me."

Blair melted completely against him, letting Duncan take his weight as his arms came up hold the back of Duncan's head. His fingers tangled in his long hair, raking slowly through the wet strands.

"I love this stuff. You're always talking about my hair, but man, yours is gorgeous. It's so thick, but it's silky, feels so good on my skin." Blair's mouth trailed across Duncan's cheek to his ear.

Duncan moaned quietly, shivering under Blair's teeth. Blair sucked lightly on his earlobe, moving his hips in a slow grind, his cock hard against Duncan's thigh.

"Oh, man, you feel so good, Duncan. I wanna crawl under your skin..." Blair's voice was ragged, his mouth moving across hot, slick skin, sucking hard enough to leave a trail of crimson circles down his lover's neck to the hollow of his throat, and up the other side.

Duncan shifted, trapping Blair's cock between his thighs. His lover groaned, thrusting hard against him. He needed this, Duncan could see it in the tightness of his face, the way his hips moved with quick, desperate jerks under his hands. The more stressful Blair's life was, the more he needed the physical confirmation of their love for each other.

Duncan's hands glided over narrow, muscular hips to cup the firm cheeks. They fit perfectly in his palms, his fingers kneading the soft skin as his head dipped down to capture Blair's lips again, drawing out the kiss until Blair had to pull his mouth away, panting.

"Oh, sweetie, you feel so good," Duncan's hands on his ass pressed Blair tightly against his hard body.

"Mm, want you..." Blair panted, his cock moving urgently between Duncan's thighs. It felt so good, hot water and slick skin, Duncan's big hands squeezing his ass cheeks, and the taste of his skin. Blair's mouth skimmed across Duncan's chest until it found a nipple, stopping there to lick and suck hungrily.

Duncan groaned, his cock rubbing urgently against Blair's belly. "Touch me, Caro," he whispered against Blair's throat, moaning when a small hand closed gently around his throbbing erection.

Duncan's breathing quickened, his hands moving from Blair's ass to his lover's hard cock trapped between his thighs. Blair pushed urgently against his hand, shivering under the hot water. The shower stall echoed their harsh breaths, their hands falling into a synchronized rhythm. Light, quick strokes that brought them quickly to the height of pleasure.

Duncan's mouth came down to cover Blair's, swallowing his moans. Blair shuddered in his arms, his fist tightening around Duncan's cock as they came together, the water washing away the thick fluid that splattered across their stomachs. Blair's arms came up around Duncan's neck, letting his lover hold him up.

"Thank you. I love you," Blair whispered, still out of breath.

"Feel better?" Duncan smiled, his arms wrapping around Blair to hold him closer.

"Oh yeah. Definitely."

"Me too."

Duncan left Blair in the stall, going back to the locker for towels. Wrapping one around his hips, he grabbed two more, coming back to Blair, who was squeezing water out of his hair.

"Here you go, kiddo." He handed Blair a towel, using the other to dry his lover's hair himself.

"Thanks. Did it get colder in here? I'm freezing." Blair's arms were covered with goose bumps, his teeth chattering when he spoke.

"Let's go back upstairs. Come on, the faster you're dry and dressed the faster you'll be warm."

Blair followed him from the shower stall back to the bench where Duncan had left their clothes. He sat down to put his socks on, grinning up at Duncan. He felt so much better, even if nothing had changed. He laughed at himself, shaking his head, "What the hell would I do with a normal life, man? I don't even know. I guess I'd be bored."

"Are you calling me abnormal, Caro?" Duncan swatted at Blair's denim covered ass lightly.

"No, I'm the weird one, just look at my life."

Duncan shrugged, smiling back, "It's a little complicated, right now, I'll give you that. Don't worry, Blair, it's going to be okay. Listen, with everything that's going on in your head right now, I don't want you to be worrying about us. I'm not going to let anything take you away from me, Caro, I promise. I want you to know that."

"Okay." Blair beamed at him, blue eyes shining.

"Are you ready?"

"Yeah, I really hope he's there. I didn't really want him to go out, but he needed to be by himself. Besides, you can't exactly keep a guy that big on a leash, you know what I mean?"

Duncan laughed, holding the door open for Blair, following him out of the locker room.

In the elevator on the way back up to loft Blair hugged Duncan hard, telling him earnestly, "You are so incredible."

Duncan shook his head, leaning down to kiss him quickly, "I just love you."

Jim was sitting on the couch watching t.v. when they came in. He looked up uncertainly at his Guide. "Hey, Chief. Duncan."

Duncan was putting his sword away, setting it carefully against the wall near the bed.

"How's it going, Jim? Did you have a good walk?"

"Not bad. Interesting neighborhood."

Duncan nodded, "Yeah, it's colorful. I like it."

Blair watched as Jim and Duncan small talked around each other. Now that he was secure about his place in Duncan's life, he needed Jim and Duncan to feel more comfortable around each other. He couldn't take much more of this polite tension.

"How about we all sit down and stop being so damned polite with each other?" Blair decided the blunt approach was the best.

"What do you have in mind, Chief? I thought the whole point here was for us to try to get along." Jim gave Blair a suspicious look.

"I don't know, big guy, but if you two keep tip-toeing around each other I'm gonna go nuts. "

Duncan and Jim both laughed at that, and the tension in the room went down a few notches. Duncan grabbed three beers for them and went to sit down next to Blair.

Jim reached across Blair to take a beer from Duncan. This was definitely the strangest situation he'd ever been in, but he really was trying to make the best of it. He had a million questions running around in his head, maybe this would be a good time to ask a couple. He was just about to, when Duncan beat him to it.

"How long were you in the jungle, Jim? If you don't mind my asking."

MacLeod seemed genuinely curious, so Jim answered without hesitation,"Eighteen months."

"Jim was the only survivor from his unit and he lived with the local tribe for all that time. It's where he first developed his Sentinel abilities," Blair looked at Jim to make sure it was alright to be telling his story to Duncan like this.

"It's okay, Blair. I don't mind if Duncan knows the whole story." He turned his attention to Duncan and continued to explain,"The Shaman of the tribe, Incacha, sort of took me under his wing. He taught me about my senses, and the jungle."

"So he was your first Guide?" Duncan wanted to know as much about this as he could, and he was surprised that Jim was opening up to him like this.

"Yeah, but I really don't remember much about the time I spent in the jungle. When you're living such a basic life all the days seem to blend, y'know? Blair says I blocked it because it was a traumatic experience. He's probably right."

Blair couldn't believe that this was going so well. He realized that if he just let the two of them lead the conversation they might actually get to know each other.

"So," Jim looked hesitantly at Duncan,"How did you meet Blair? Was it at the University?"

"Yeah, Duncan, I'd like to hear you tell the story, I always tell it," Blair beamed at his lover. He couldn't wait to hear how Duncan would tell the story of their unusual beginning.

"You really want to hear this?" Duncan asked Jim, not sure how he would react.

"It's okay, MacLeod. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know,"Jim actually smiled his reply. Blair was dumbstruck.

"Okay," Duncan finished his beer and went to get another round for them. "Well, I was walking to my car after a late lecture and I heard someone yelling for help. I ran over to see two punks beating the hell out some guy they had on the ground. I said something . . ."

Blair interrupted him, "You said 'Stop, NOW'. Then one of them said something like 'What are you going to do about it?' and you said 'Try me.' It was very surreal, man. Way too much like the movies," Blair settled back into the couch, letting Duncan finish the story.

"Wait a minute here, Chief. Are you trying to tell me that these punks were kicking the shit out of you?" Jim's jaw was clenched.

"Yeah, Jim, but it's okay, it's all in the past," Blair smiled at him reassuringly.

"If this is too much to deal with, we can drop it." Duncan didn't want to upset the relaxed mood, although he was afraid he already had.

"No, it's okay. I just expected something a little... nicer. So, what happened?"

"I kicked one in the head and the other one took off. I tried to get Blair to let me call him an ambulance, but he refused. I knew his ribs were bruised, maybe broken, so I took him to the emergency room."

Duncan told it all so matter-of-fact. The way Blair remembered it Duncan was a hero. He remembered how it had felt to have Duncan carry him to the car, and fuss over him. Maybe he sugar-coated his memory a bit, but not that much.

"What he's leaving out is the part about him carrying me half way across campus to his car, staying with me at the emergency room, and then taking me back here when I passed out in the middle of giving him directions to my apartment. Oh man, Jim, are you sure you want to talk about this?" Blair couldn't help but be afraid that Jim would zone if this got to be too much for him to deal with.

Jim wasn't sure if wanted to, but he knew he had to deal with it. So, MacLeod had saved Blair's life. The voice in his head was screaming that protecting Blair was his job, that he should've been there to save his Guide. Still, he was damn glad that Duncan had been there. He also realized that he didn't know why these guys had been beating the crap out of Blair.

"I'm okay, Chief. One thing you haven't told me is how you got into that situation in the first place."

"I uh," Blair couldn't look Jim in the face, he was too embarrassed. "It was a hate crime. They were skinhead assholes who were beating the shit out of me because...." Blair's face turned red.

"I get the picture, Chief. It's okay." Jim figured the least he could do was let Blair off the hook. Jesus, what if MacLeod hadn't been there? He wouldn't let himself think about it, he couldn't.

"It turned out that he did have bruised ribs, but nothing more serious than that," Duncan wanted to ease some of the guilt he saw in Jim's face. Maybe he could take Jim's mind off it and learn more about his relationship with Blair, "So, now do I get to hear about how you two met?"

Blair laughed,"Not quite as dramatic, but much more theatrical." He gave Jim a lopsided smile.

Jim felt some of guilt slip away as Blair smiled at him. He started to tell Duncan the story of how Blair had saved his life. "It was five years after I'd gotten out of the jungle, I was working on the Cascade P.D. My senses were going out of control and I had no idea why. I thought I was going crazy. I went to hospital for some tests, to see if the doctors could tell me what was going on. I'm sitting there in an exam room waiting for the doctor to come back and tell me the test results, when this joker comes in wearing a doctor's coat. He couldn't even get the name on the doc's i.d. tag right. Gave me some crap about it being the correct Gaelic pronunciation of the name." Jim paused to laugh at the memory of Blair feeding him a classic line of 'Sandburg Bullshit'.

"Then he starts telling me how doctors can't help me, but this guy can, and he hands me a card and makes a quick getaway. The real doctor came in, without his name tag, and tells me that all my tests were normal. I didn't know what the hell to do. I figured I didn't have anything to lose, so I went to the address at the University that was on the card he gave me. I get there and find Sandburg boppin' away to some jungle music. I realized the kid had tried to put one over on me, and man was I pissed."

"No shit, he put me up against a wall and threatened to search my office for drugs," Blair couldn't help but add to the story.

"Yeah, well I was scared I was going crazy and you were playing cloak and dagger. I was so pissed off I didn't really listen to what he was telling me about Sentinels and just stormed out of there."

"Before I could warn him about the zone out factor. I ran after him to tell him and found him zoned in the middle of the street with a garbage truck heading straight for him." Blair's adrenaline surged just from the memory.

"What happened?" Duncan was caught up in the story.

"The kid tackled me just in time for the garbage truck to drive over us. Saved my life. In more ways than one. From that minute on he never stopped trying to help me get control of my senses, help me figure out how to use them without zoning." The affection in Jim's voice was undisguisable.

"So tell me, kiddo, do you always meet people under extreme circumstances?" Duncan teased Blair.

"No, just the important ones," Blair answered, smiling back and forth between his lover and his Sentinel. He was definitely stuck in the middle, but at the moment it didn't seem like such a bad place to be.

Part 19

By Zen&nancy

*Two Weeks Later*

Jim sat at his dining room table, a paperback held open with his left hand, the other moving from sandwich to beer mechanically while he read. He finished the chapter and folded the corner of the page over to mark his place. His eyes wandered slowly over his new living space.

It was finally starting to feel like home. After two weeks of intensive construction and cleaning and moving, it felt good to look around and see all of his things in their proper place.

He and Duncan had rented a truck and made the drive back to Cascade last week to get his furniture. Blair had wanted to come, but he wasn't able to get the time off at the University. It had worked out well, though. Blair was able to conduct the first of his 'separation tests', and he and Duncan had some time to get to know each other, and talk about their unusual situation. MacLeod had actually helped him work through a few things. About halfway back to Cascade he'd turned to Duncan and asked him "What the hell am I doing?" It was as if he'd suddenly realized that he was about to completely uproot his entire life.

So they'd talked about it, and it had helped. Losing his career was the hardest part; he still wasn't really dealing with the idea that he wasn't a cop anymore. Simon hadn't made it easy. He wouldn't take Jim's resignation letter, no matter what he said to convince Simon that he'd thought about it. He'd given him an extended leave of absence instead. Six weeks to figure out if he was making a horrible mistake. It was far more than he deserved, but Simon insisted, and he did appreciate it. Even if deep down inside he knew that as long as Seacouver was where his Guide wanted to be, he didn't have any choice. It made it easier to walk away, to do it slowly.

Duncan talked to him about it, asking questions and making him think it through, but withholding his opinion until Jim asked. When he did, what Duncan had to say surprised him. He'd said "You can either see all the things you're giving up and leaving behind you, or you can try to see the things ahead of you. I'm not saying it's easy to just pick up and start a new life, but you have to think that you're lucky to have the chance at all, don't you?" He'd smiled at Jim, and it got a little easier to see it that way.

He hadn't zoned, or had any problems with his senses at all over the two days they were gone. It had been wonderful to come back to Blair and tell him that, and see the look of pride and relief on his Guide's face.

Jim agreed with Duncan, the only way to handle this was to take it one day at a time, and deal with the problems as they arose. So far at least, it was going smoother than any of them had expected. Blair got home from his day at the University about three, and then they would spend the afternoon together working on his senses. Blair had a theory and a test for everything. Everything except how to deal with the almost violent attraction he felt for his Guide.

He was still zoning every time Blair touched him. If anything, the need for Blair's physical presence seemed to be growing stronger. Blair had been so concerned about leaving him home alone tonight. He practically had to have Duncan drag him out of his apartment earlier. They'd gone to see a play at the University and wouldn't be back until after midnight.

Jim thought again about what Duncan had said. He was lucky. He was lucky that Blair was even willing to talk to him, after everything that'd happened. He was lucky to be alive. Blair could have just walked away, and decided to be done with him. Instead, he'd dragged him down here and insisted that there would be a way to make it work, until there was one. Duncan MacLeod had had a lot to do with that. He'd accepted Jim as a part of his life, given him a place to live, and offered him his friendship. He did it in ways that were easy to refuse, never putting any pressure on Jim to talk about himself or his relationship with Blair.

Instead, they went running every morning, and worked out together in the dojo in the afternoon before Blair got home. Duncan was a well educated, interesting person, and really, about the farthest thing from the highbrow, academic snob Jim had taken him for. He had a strong sense of honor and responsibility, and a good sense of humor, too.

He'd certainly laughed more in the past two weeks than he had in the four months he'd been alone. He'd actually found himself in the middle of a water fight in their kitchen last night. Sometimes Blair and Duncan's silliness was contagious, and sometimes it felt like a knife through his heart.

Watching Duncan and Blair together was so complicated. In a lot of ways, it made it easier to deal with the physical attraction he felt for his Guide. They were so totally relaxed with each other. They were affectionate with each other, but it wasn't anything like what Jim had expected. Nothing between them was forced or false. He'd expected to see the relationship as two very clear-cut roles, but it wasn't like that at all. The balance between Duncan and Blair was constantly shifting.

They were so completely comfortable with each other that he never felt embarrassed by their affection. Jealous, yes, insanely jealous sometimes, but not embarrassed, which surprised him. Until he had seen Duncan and Blair together, he hadn't been able to face his feelings for Blair realistically. Now he knew exactly what he wanted, and it was tearing him apart. He wanted Blair to look at him the way he looked at Duncan. He wanted to be able to touch Blair again, casually, the way he used to. He wanted to sleep with Blair curled up against him, the way he'd seen him the first morning he'd woken up in MacLeod loft.

Now, if he put his hand on his Guide's arm, he would be seized with a need so strong it would knock the wind out of him. The compulsion to pull Blair against him, wrap his arms around him and not let go for anything, would feel more like something he needed to live than simple desire.

It was driving him crazy, it was making him sick. Hearing Blair tell him calmly over and over again that it was a natural instinct, that they had no control over it, and that it was part of their Sentinel/Guide relationship didn't help at all. The days were good, but the nights were hell. When he was sleeping on Duncan's couch, falling asleep to Blair's heartbeat had become habit again. Actually, his ears had done it all by themselves, reaching for the familiar rhythm as soon as he closed his eyes. When his apartment was finished and he moved downstairs, he'd tried to stop, not wanting to invade Blair's privacy.

Every night, it was a losing battle. He would get into bed, turn out the light, and lie down, telling himself that he could sleep without it, that Blair was right upstairs, safe in Duncan's bed. It never worked. He would lie awake for hours, his fists clenched, curled up in the middle of his bed, trying not to think about Duncan and Blair spooned together in bed two floors above him. Eventually, he would lose control of his resolve, and his ears would reach out hungrily for the sound of Blair's heartbeat. Usually by that time it was late enough that Blair would be sleeping soundly, but last night he'd heard more than he'd meant to. When he'd first connected with the familiar sound, his Guide's heartbeat had been rapid, his breath coming in long gasps. He felt like a fool, now, for not realizing immediately, but then the only thing he'd thought of was Blair in danger, or pain. He'd focussed his hearing intently, and almost zoned on his Guide's soft groans of pleasure. He'd turned the dial back guiltily, ashamed of the way his body had responded instantly to the sound of Blair's moans.

It was a miserable, sick, empty feeling, this need. He didn't know how much longer he would be able to stand it, but what choice did he have? He couldn't hate Duncan, he just couldn't, the man had done too much to help him. He'd helped Blair save his life. Now that he knew how they'd met, he understood Duncan's protectiveness of Blair, and it didn't make him as angry. Sometimes it was hard, not to let instinct take over, but watching them together, he knew that Duncan loved him, and that he could never take Blair away from him.

Jim identified the sound of Duncan's car door's slamming, and Blair's laughter. He followed them with his hearing into the building, glad to know they were home safely. Apparently, it had been a really bad play, and this silliness had started in the third act.

"Man, we were really pushing it tonight, we work with those people."

"I can't help it, Caro, your mischief is catching."

"Man, I can't believe you stuck your tongue out at that woman!" Blair laughed out loud.

"Will you boys please made an effort to conduct yourselves like gentleman," Duncan mimicked, affecting a high pitched, snooty voice.

Jim smiled, shaking his head. He knew he should stop now, pull away and make himself go to sleep, but he couldn't. This was what amazed him, what had made it so much easier to stay. He would never have imagined that Duncan MacLeod could be such a goof ball. The first time he'd seen Blair and Duncan burst into their Marx Brothers act he thought he was going to drop dead from shock. On the outside, Duncan seemed so serious and matter of fact, sometimes even arrogant, but around Blair he was someone else.

That, exactly, was what he wanted, what Blair gave Duncan. He knew that he could have had it, once, and that was the worst part of it. Knowing that it had been within his reach for years, but he'd been too afraid to see it, to take what Blair was offering.

"Man, I'm really worried about Jim, Duncan. He's still zoning on me every time I touch him, and I'm not getting anywhere trying to find a way around it. Tell me again it's gonna be okay?"

"It's going to be okay, kiddo."

They were in the elevator. Jim had almost managed to pull away, but when he heard his name he tuned in again instinctively. Poor Blair, the kid worried about him too damn much. He was going to have to learn how to get a handle on this, before his Guide worried himself to death.

Jim rolled over onto his back with one arm flung over his face, listening to the elevator's noisy gears, and their footsteps in the loft above him.

"I'm sorry I made you go to that thing, Blair, you were right, it really was awful."

"That's okay, I got to go out with you."

"Yeah, we haven't been doing much of that lately, have we? Tell you what, kiddo, tomorrow night, anywhere you want to go, you pick, and we'll do it."

"Cool. Let's take Jim to Joe's bar."

"Hmm, okay, I guess we can do that."

"Is that not a good idea?"

Jim frowned, wondering what his Guide meant by that.

"No, don't worry about it, it'll be fine. Come here, gorgeous..."

Jim listened to the sounds of Blair's light footsteps, and then the rustle of clothes falling to the floor and Blair's whispered 'I love you.'

Jim's mind formed the picture of Blair standing naked before him, blue eyes shining. He groaned, rolling over to push his face into the pillow. It hurt so much, the loneliness felt like it was going to swallow him whole and leave nothing behind. Jim berated himself fiercely for invading their privacy, but in spite of his guilty conscious he couldn't bring himself to sever the connection with his Guide. His cock was achingly hard, begging for attention. Jim's hand slipped down between his legs, as he allowed his Guide's excited whisper to fill his mind.

"Mm, yeah, like that. That feels so good. You're wonderful. I love you. Oh, oh yeah, nice. Your mouth... Ah, Duncan. Duncan."

Jim knew what they were doing, and although his brain thought that he should be disgusted, his body was anything but. He imagined what it would be like, to have Blair's cock in his mouth, to know what he felt like, to feel him come and to taste it on his tongue. His hand's movement changed from light stroking to hard, closed fisted thrusts, squeezing rhythmically to the soft moans that filled his ears.

For just a second it seemed that Blair was there with him, that his whispered encouragements were for him, and then he exploded, coming so hard that it was almost painful. He shoved his face into the pillow, groaning Blair's name. When it was finally over, he was overcome by guilt and self loathing. What he'd done was wrong, very wrong, a total violation of his Guide's right to privacy, not to mention Duncan's. Even with twenty feet of concrete and steel between them, he couldn't leave Blair alone. Jim sighed miserably, pulling the covers up over his head. He tried to sleep, but it was another long, lonely hour before he finally drifted off, Blair's soft moans still reverberating in his ears.

Duncan woke up as he did almost every morning, one arm wrapped around Blair and a curl in his mouth. He spit it out, reaching across Blair to turn off the alarm clock. Blair rolled over underneath him, nuzzling his neck.

"Morning."

"Morning. I love you." Blair attempted to burrow into Duncan's chest.

"Do you want to get up?"

"Hell no. It's Saturday. Have a good run." The last was a mumble into the pillow.

"Okay, I'll wake you up when we get back," Duncan kissed the back of his neck, rolling over him and out of bed. Blair grunted, wriggling under his weight.

Duncan showered and shaved, his head full of pleasant memories of the night before. It had been good to be alone with Blair, and they'd had fun, in spite of the play. He didn't begrudge Blair the time he spent with Jim, in fact he genuinely enjoyed his company. He did worry that Blair was going to overly stress himself though, trying to stretch himself between them.

Duncan went back to his dresser to pull on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, smiling at the ball of Blair under the covers. He pulled his hair back into a ponytail and put on his running shoes. Taking the stairs down to the third floor, he rapped once on Jim's door, "Morning," Duncan called, knowing Jim would hear him through the door.

"Yeah, gimme a minute."

Duncan waited, and a moment later Jim opened the door in his robe, stepping back to let Duncan in. "Sorry, I'll be ready in a minute," Jim mumbled, going straight to the bathroom.

"No problem." Duncan wandered around Jim's apartment, picking up the paperback Jim had left on the coffee table last night. It was the latest Tom Clancy novel. Duncan flipped it over to read the reviews on the back cover.

Jim came out of the bathroom before he was finished, dressed in sweat pants and a Cascade PD t-shirt. "Morning. Sorry, I overslept a little."

Duncan's smile was easy going, "No problem, it's Saturday. Ready to go? It looks nice out there, no rain for a change."

"Yeah, let's go." Jim grabbed his keys from the hook next to the door.

Duncan started to follow him out of the apartment, and then he really looked at Jim, and realized he looked like hell. "Hey, are you awake? We can have a cup of coffee first if you need it, no hurry."

Jim rubbed his eyes, shaking his head, "No, no coffee. I'm okay."

Duncan had been around Jim Ellison long enough to know that if Jim told you he was okay, he probably wasn't. "Rough night?"

Jim averted his eyes, giving Duncan a noncommittal grunt for an answer.

"We gonna run?"

"Yeah, sure, let's go." Duncan followed Jim out the door, frowning at his back. He didn't know what was wrong, but he had a good idea. Blair might very well be right, maybe the attraction between them was a matter of chemistry, but the fact that it was also emotional, at least for Jim, was painfully obvious. Duncan thought of the soul nourishing, life affirming sex he'd had with Blair last night, and felt a twinge of guilt.

Jim didn't say much of anything on the ride to the park, but that wasn't unusual. From the first morning, by unspoken mutual agreement, the trip to the park had been mostly silent. They would run three miles, and then walk another, and by the time they got back to the car they were both awake and ready for conversation.

Duncan drove, sneaking concerned glances at his running partner every block or so.

"What, MacLeod?"

Jim's tone of voice didn't encourage questions, but Duncan had learned that the Sentinel's bark was worse than his bite. He was rarely as pissed off as he sounded.

"I'm sorry?" Duncan gave him an innocuous smile.

"You pick that trick up from Sandburg? You're staring at me. You keep giving me that, 'I'm going to figure out what to say to make him talk' look."

Duncan laughed, shaking his head, "Okay, Detective Ellison. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Great. So, you're going for that brick wall impersonation?"

"MacLeod, hassling me is Sandburg's job, you're just supposed to get my ass back in shape." Jim's grin took the edge from his words.

"Okay, have it your way. Extra mile it is."

"Deal."

They were silent for a few minutes, and then Jim laughed sharply, "You must be getting used to me, MacLeod. Either that or Sandburg talks too much."

"I'm getting used to you." Duncan's voice was deceptively casual, "You haven't asked me how the play was." He watched the muscle flicker in Jim's jaw, it was all the confirmation he needed.

"How was the play?"

"Horrible. Utterly awful, one of the worst avant-garde student productions I have ever sat through, but we had fun."

"Good."

Duncan winced inwardly, wishing there was something he could do. There wasn't, if Jim didn't want to talk about it, he wasn't going to talk about it. It didn't matter, he'd pretty much figured it out anyway. Duncan wondered how often Jim used his Sentinel abilities, and if he had listened to them before. He realized that he was more concerned about what that would do to Jim, to have to hear them, than the invasion of his privacy.

They ran the four miles together, each totally absorbed in his own thoughts. When they passed the marker for the last time and dropped to a walk, Jim spoke first.

"I'm sorry, I'm a little rough around the edges this morning, Mac. I really do appreciate you running with me."

"Don't worry about it. We all have our off mornings."

Duncan realized that he really did want to let Jim off the hook. Jim was in a very difficult situation. It wasn't that it didn't bother him or make him feel strange to think about Jim listening to him make love to Blair, it did. However, he was just as concerned about what it was doing to Jim. It had to take a hell of a lot of courage and emotional strength to do what Jim was doing. He knew that Jim loved Blair, it was in his eyes every time he looked at him. There were times where Duncan could see how hard it was for Jim just to be near Blair. He thought about what that must be like. He'd experienced unrequited love, but this seemed even worse, and different somehow.

Although it looked like it was killing him slowly, Jim hadn't made any sort of attempt to take Blair away from him. He respected their relationship and never tried to come between them. He was an honorable man, and he was trying to make up for the mistakes he'd made.

Duncan knew that Jim was miserably unhappy with the situation, but he gave him a lot of credit for swallowing his pride and working hard to make the best of it.

"Good run," Jim grinned at him, still breathing hard.

"What do you want to do for breakfast? Should we wake Blair up and drag him out?"

"Nah, let him sleep in. Tell you what, let's stop at the deli and get some bagels and I'll make eggs at my place."

"Sounds great."

They took the elevator upstairs, arms full of groceries. Duncan had bought lox for Blair, and Jim picked up a few things he needed, as well as eggs and omelet materials. Jim seemed to be in a better state of mind after the physical exertion. Duncan wondered how Blair was going to find a solution to this particular problem. He knew Blair thought that the attraction between Sentinel and Guide was natural, just a way to keep them bonded together. When he was at Blair's apartment he had read some of Blair's notes that had said almost the same thing. He was so deep in his thoughts that the elevators familiar jerk startled him. He followed Jim down the hall to his door, wishing for some answers.

Jim unlocked his door, going to the kitchen with his bags and setting them on the counter. Duncan put the gallon of milk he was carrying into the refrigerator, depositing his bag next to Jim's.

"So, I'll run upstairs, shower and wake Blair."

"He's awake," Jim's head was cocked to the right, listening.

"He is?"

"Yeah, he's brushing his teeth. Bet he's been awake for all of five minutes."

Duncan laughed, nodding in agreement. "Okay, I'll shower and we'll come down."

"Sounds good, see you soon."

Duncan left Jim putting away the groceries and making coffee, and took the stairs two flights up to the loft. Blair was just coming out of the bathroom when he opened the door.

"Morning." His lover's sleepy mumble confirmed Jim's estimate.

"Just get up?"

"Mmm."

"Want breakfast? Jim's making us omelets."

"Yeah, sounds good. Do I get coffee here or there?"

Duncan smiled, going over to kiss his forehead. "Why don't you just go downstairs, I think Jim's making coffee for you. I'm going to shower, I'll meet you down there."

" 'Kay, I love you." Blair grabbed Duncan's ass as he walked past him towards the bathroom, making him jump. His lover chuckled, shaking his head at Blair's playfulness.

Blair headed down to Jim's in search of the promised coffee. He felt like he was still floating from last night. What he and Duncan had together was so incredible. It still left him in a state of happy wonderment, the way Duncan loved him. He was the most intuitive lover he'd ever known. Somehow Duncan always knew exactly what Blair needed.

He knocked at the door at the end of the hall and Jim yelled to come in. He closed the door behind him, leaving it unlocked for Duncan.

"Morning Chief. You look like you could use some coffee." Jim smiled at the sight of a sleepy Blair shuffling towards him. Then it hit him. Blair smelled like sex, like sex and sweat and Duncan. Jim swallowed hard, biting down on the inside of his cheek. The instinct never went away, it only got more intense. The urge to grab Blair and cover up the invader's scent on his body with his own was so strong he knew if he took one step towards Blair he would never be able to stop himself from doing it.

"Oh yeah." Blair smiled at him, coming over to the counter to reach past him into the cabinet for a coffee cup. "Thanks, man, you're the best."

It ran through him like an electrical current, the need to touch Blair so intense that every muscle in his body tensed. Jim closed his eyes, afraid to see Blair so close to him. Then his Guide's arm brushed against his bare skin, just above his elbow, and Jim panicked. Just as he knew it would, the accidental touch felt like a knife dragging across his skin. Real, physical pain shot through his arm, and then the sickening, empty, hungry feeling swallowed him up and he was falling...

"Jim, it's okay, come on now, listen, come back to me, big guy. Listen to my heartbeat, just follow it back..."

"Yeah, okay." Jim's voice was rough with embarrassment and frustration. He was angry with himself, as he always was, for not being able to prevent himself from zoning on Blair's touch. It upset his Guide so much. Jim knew that Blair would feel guilty now, and would be even more careful not to come too close to him. It hurt so much, that they couldn't touch anymore without it sending him into la la land.

"I'm sorry," Blair mumbled, his eyes on the floor. He took a careful step away from Jim. Remembering that he had a coffee cup in his hand, Blair shuffled to the pot on the opposite counter. "Oh man, I'm so sorry, Jim. That was totally stupid of me, I didn't think. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, don't worry about it, I'm fine. It's okay." Jim tried to give his Guide a reassuring smile, but he could tell from the look on Blair's face that he'd failed.

Just then, the door swung open and Duncan strolled in, looking fresh and clean and relaxed. He came over to join them in the kitchen, leaning down to kiss Blair good morning. Just before he kissed him he felt his lover tense, and pulled back, looking between them.

"What did I miss?" Duncan asked softly, concern in his voice.

"Nothing."

"He zoned on me again."

Jim and Blair spoke in unison, both sounding extremely upset.

"That's not good," Duncan commented gently, getting himself a cup of coffee.

"No, it's not. Jim, man, I swear, I am going to find a way to handle this. There's got to be an answer, and I'm gonna find it if it kills me."

Duncan frowned into his coffee cup, thinking that with as much time as he'd spent researching and worrying over the situation, if there was a solution beyond the obvious one Blair would have found it by now.

"Relax, Chief, it's okay, I know you will." Jim wanted to relieve some of the stress he saw in Blair's eyes. He changed the subject abruptly, "So, good news, the agent I went with says they think they have somebody that's ready to make a serious offer on the loft in Cascade. It looks like it might go through this month."

"That's great, Jim. What are you going to do with the money?" Duncan asked curiously.

Jim laughed, "Pay you back."

Duncan smiled, not at all surprised that Jim wasn't going to let him pay for the remodeling of his living space. "That'll leave quite a bit left. Have you thought about it?"

Jim nodded, going to the refrigerator, "Yeah, 'til it gave me a headache. Then I decided to put it in the bank and wait a while." He took out eggs and cheese and milk and lox, setting everything down on the counter.

Blair had gone into the living room to sit on the couch. He drank his coffee, wondering if things were ever going to be okay again between them. It was so hard, not to just go to Jim and press himself against him, wrap his arms around his Sentinel and refuse to let go. There had to be a way to get past these zones.

Ever since Jim had come back to Seacouver with them, he'd been fighting the attraction between them, trying to control it. He felt like he had to be strong for both Jim and Duncan, he had to be the one who maintained the balance. It was getting so hard, though. The attraction to his Sentinel wasn't something he'd ever really been able to control. The tension between them was like a strong magnetic pull, the closer he got to Jim the more he needed to touch him.

Blair's rational mind kept telling him that there had to be a solution. To have Jim zone every time they touched was intolerable. Watching Jim suffer because of him was tearing him apart inside, and the attraction between them was getting harder and harder to ignore. The heat that suffused his body every time he got too close to Jim took all his willpower to deny. He knew it must be ten times harder for Jim, whose Sentinel abilities made him feel everything more intensely.

It broke his heart the way Jim would jerk away from him if he got too close. Blair thought that it was very likely Jim was suffering from the long term affects of separation from his Guide. Maybe he just needed to 'reset' his awareness of him. Or maybe what he really needed was just a mega dose of physical, non sexual contact. If only he could just keep touching him, even after he zoned, then maybe Jim would come out of it on his own and everything would be okay. Or maybe there was just no way to get around the attraction between them, now that they had acknowledged it. These thoughts had been circling around in his head for so long that none of it sounded like it made sense anymore. He knew he'd lost all his perspective, but there was nothing he could do about it, the feelings were too strong.

Thinking about what he was putting Jim through made him even more determined to find a solution. The Guide instincts that he was aware of, but had only marginal control over, made it so hard to see the problem objectively. The more Blair thought about it, the more he worried that he'd made a terrible mistake. What he was asking of Jim was more than he could stand to see him go through. The guilt he felt over Jim's zone outs made him despair of ever finding an answer. Was it incredibly selfish, what he was putting his partner through? Maybe it was, but to hurt Duncan would be just as painful... Blair sighed in frustration, telling himself that he'd been unrealistic. There were no solutions, one way or the other, he was going to hurt one of them, and he loved them both.

Objectivity had been a challenge with Jim from the start. After only a few weeks it had become a total impossibility, something his conscious reminded him of when he was lying in bed at night, worrying about his dissertation. Blair realized that he didn't have to try to remain objective anymore, this wasn't about his dissertation, or even his work as an anthropologist. It made him feel better, but it also reminded him of how serious his responsibility was. Jim was here because of him, because he didn't have any choice. It was his heartbeat that Jim could hear when he lost control of his senses and zoned, it was his scent and his voice that he identified.

Since the night he'd felt fear race down his spine and he'd known that Jim was about to die, he'd forced himself to re-examine his feelings and his responsibilities to Jim. He was Jim's Guide, and that was a lifetime commitment. He couldn't just walk away, it had almost killed his Sentinel, but trying to live like this felt like he was killing him slowly. Jim's voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

"You awake yet, Chief? It's breakfast."

"Yeah, I could use another cup of coffee, though."

Duncan smiled at Blair, he was taking plates from Jim at the stove and bringing them over to the table. Jim had made them each an enormous, fluffy omelet. Blair's was filled with lox, onions, tomatoes and mushrooms, Jim and Duncan's contained ham, cheese and green peppers. Jim came to the table carrying a stack of bagels on one plate and sausage links on another. Duncan went back to the kitchen for the coffee pot, bringing it back with him to fill Blair's cup.

"Thanks, man." Blair flashed a smile at his lover, sitting down at his place at he table. "This isn't an omelet, Jim, it's a work of art. Oh man, who got me lox?" Blair looked between them, trying to figure out who to thank.

"Duncan did. You think I'd bring that smell into my kitchen of my own free will?" Jim teased, relieved to see Blair smile.

"It was really cool of you to make it for me, Jim, you're awesome." Blair picked up his fork, diving into his omelet with glee.

Jim and Duncan were passing the bagels and links back and forth. Blair watched them each put four sausage links onto their plates, shaking his head in mock disgust, "You guys might as well just inject the cholesterol directly into your arteries."

Jim started to chuckle, and then out of the corner of his eye he caught the mischievous, conspiratorial grin Duncan was giving Blair. His Guide threw Duncan a very familiar, stern frown in return. It was the one he always got when he'd let something slip about his senses. Then Sandburg would come up with one of those really creative explanations, like, "He eats a lot of carrots."

Jim focused his hearing on Blair's heartbeat, it was fast, but not at the panic level. Over the years he'd learned to gauge Blair's mood by his heat rate, and he easily recognized the flash of anxiety. Why was Blair giving Duncan that look?

Duncan was spreading cream cheese on a bagel, "I was thinking... Christmas is only a few weeks away." He smiled up at his lover questioningly "Hanukkah?"

"I don't know, I lost my menorah in the move. I'm not much into the religious thing, but we can decorate and stuff if you want. Me and Jim always got a tree."

Duncan turned to Jim, "What do you think? We should get a tree and some decorations for the dojo. Want to help me?"

Jim nodded enthusiastically, "Yeah, sure, I'd love to."

"Jim's really into Christmas." Blair told him, stuffing the last bite of his bagel into his mouth.

"Really?" Duncan was surprised, it wasn't something he would expect from Jim Ellison. "Are you religious, Jim?"

Blair cracked up, remembering the brothers at the monastery making Jim say grace.

"Nope, not at all, I just like Christmas." Jim answered him cheerfully.

"Okay, great, we'll go all out then. I was thinking about having a Christmas party for the kids in the neighborhood downstairs, maybe the Sunday before Christmas. Would you be willing to help out organizing it, Blair?"

Blair grinned at him across the table, "Oh yeah, I'd love to! That's a great idea Duncan. You are so cool." Blair smiled at his lover adoringly.

"You should go into politics, Mac, it'd make it easier to be the patron Saint of Seacouver that way."

Duncan laughed, not willing to argue. "Come on, Jim, it's just a party. It'll be fun. Want to play Santa?"

"Hell no, last time I did that I got peed on. You can forget it."

Blair nearly fell out of his seat laughing.

"Laugh it up, Sandburg. The only reason he's not trying to talk you into a red suit is nobody'd believe it. They'd all think you're an elf with a Santa complex."

"Ah, come on, Jim, you make an awesome Santa..."

"No way, Sandburg. Never again."

Duncan laughed, "Why do I have the feeling he's talked you into this before?"

"He looked great, all the kids loved him."

"No, Sandburg. Give it up, it's not gonna work."

Duncan settled the argument, "Fine. I'll be Santa. Jim can do the decorations. You have to promise to help me shop for the presents for the kids, too. Blair, you're in charge of food and games, Spence can help you. He's the one that got me back into the holiday thing. He just goes crazy over Christmas. Last year he was stringing up lights all over the dojo at two in the morning."

"I like Spencer, he's a good kid. Even if he does smoke pot."

"Does he? How do you know?" Duncan asked Jim seriously.

"I can smell it on his jacket. I don't think he gets high at work or anything, though. He never seems stoned." Jim looked like he regretted saying anything about it.

Blair jumped in, "Geez, Duncan, it's just pot."

Duncan shrugged, "Well, as long as he's not messed up at work I guess I don't care. I never would have taken him for a drug user, though. He's such a health nut about what he eats. He can't be too heavily into it, he teaches three, sometimes four classes a day."

Jim shrugged, dismissing the subject. He'd gotten to know Spencer fairly well over the last week, and liked him. It was good to not have to feel like he couldn't be friendly with the guy, just because he was a cop and Spence smoked. They spent quite a bit of time together. He'd been down to the dojo every day to work out, and Duncan had talked him into teaching a new class he'd just formed, an advanced hand-to-hand combat course that incorporated martial arts with western military combat training. He was enjoying the three day-a-week class immensely. Most of the young men who had signed up for the course had either just come out of the military or were getting ready to go in, and it felt good to help them get ready.

"You have a class today, Jim?" Blair pushed his empty plate away, reaching for his coffee.

"Yeah, this afternoon, from two to three thirty. Why?"

Blair looked at him hesitantly, "I was, uh, hoping we could try to work on this touch sensitivity thing..."

Blair watched the wall go up behind Jim's eyes. He imagined it to be made of brick, one for each day of the four months they'd been apart. The muscle in Jim's jaw flickered, his whole body visibly tensing.

"What do you want to do, Blair, see how many times I'm gonna zone out in a row?" His voice was sharp with rebellion and hidden pain.

"No, man, I just though we could work on it, I don't know..." Blair felt his face getting hot, and dropped his eyes to his empty plate.

"Don't go getting all test happy on me, Sandburg. You don't have a paper to write as an excuse anymore." Jim's feigned annoyance to cover the embarrassment and the anger.

"Look, Jim, we can't just blow this off, man, we gotta deal with it..."

"Forget it, Chief!" Jim interrupted coldly, getting up from the table and taking his plate into the kitchen.

"Okay, great, I'll just forget about it, no problem," Blair muttered sarcastically, under his breath. Jim didn't give any sign he'd heard him, but of course he did.

"We have to go grocery shopping today, anyway, don't we, Caro?" Duncan caught Blair's hand across the table, squeezing it consolingly.

"Yeah, and do laundry. I was really lazy this week, I've got a laundry monster next to the bed."

"I wasn't going to mention it, I thought maybe you were just in denial," Duncan teased, trying to make him smile.

It worked, Blair was smiling as he got up to take their plates into the kitchen. Duncan followed him with his eyes, until he saw Jim standing at the sink with his back to them. Even from where he was sitting at the table, Duncan could see the tense set of his shoulders. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides, the muscles of his forearms bulging.

He winced inwardly, wishing that his relationship with Blair didn't cause Jim so much pain. Blair had noticed, too, he was standing uncertainly behind Jim, their plates in one hand. This looked like a good time to leave them alone, maybe Blair would be able to force Jim to talk.

"I'm going to go upstairs and make a list for the store. Thanks for breakfast, Jim, I'll see you later." Duncan caught Blair's eye as his stood up to go, nodding at him in encouragement. Blair lifted a hand to wave at him, managing to express both his thanks and his apprehension over Jim with his eyes.

"Jim?"

"What?" Jim tried to keep the anger from his voice. He didn't want to take it out on Blair, it wasn't his fault. He knew he'd failed when Blair took a step back, one hand reaching out to the counter top behind him.

"I'm sorry, Jim. We don't have to do anything. I was just hoping that maybe if we kept working on it, we could sort of desensitize you, you know? Maybe it's just that you've been separated from me and..."

Jim spun around, his hands coming down harder than he meant them to on his Guide's shoulders. "It's not 'just' anything!" He pulled Blair roughly against him, letting Blair feel what it did to his body to have any part of him touch his Guide.

"Jim! I'm sorry. Please!" Jim realized that Blair was genuinely afraid, and let go of his shoulders abruptly, pushing him away.

Blair took a step back, but he held his ground. Jim had just touched him without zoning. Of course, he'd done it in anger, and he'd been the initiator, he'd expected it, but still, it was a small victory.

"I'm sorry, Chief. I didn't mean to." Jim stood with his palms spread in front of him, clear blue eyes searching his Guide's helplessly.

"It's okay. It is, really. You just touched me, and you didn't zone. That's good."

"No, it's not. I lost control, and I scared you. I never want to do that again, Blair."

Blair came to stand directly in front of him, just an inch away, but not touching, "I know that. It's okay."

Blair was looking up at him, with the old look of absolute trust on his face. Jim's hand came up slowly, he hesitated for a second before he let his palm cover the center of his Guide's chest, feeling the palpitation of his heart against his hand. Blair stood still, looking up at him with a heartbreaking mix of desire and resistance in his eyes.

Blair stood frozen under Jim's touch. They weren't touching anywhere else, but he felt as if there was a force field between them, holding them together. He felt as if he couldn't move if he tried, and that scared him. He didn't want to betray Duncan's trust. He told himself so over and over again, hoping it would stop him from doing anything wrong. The space between them was charged with energy, he could feel it on his skin. He imagined what this must feel like for Jim, and tried to talk, "Jim..." he tried to caution the Sentinel, but no words came.

Jim realized the position he was putting Blair in, and was overcome with guilt. This was exactly what he'd sworn to himself he would not do. He couldn't betray Duncan's trust. He pulled his hand back, forcing himself to take a few steps away from his Guide. He went back to the table, sitting down heavily and dropping his head into his hands.

"I'm sorry, Blair. I'm not trying to make this any harder on you, Chief. I don't want to screw this up again, I really don't, I just couldn't help it..." Jim took a deep breath, letting it out carefully. "I think you should go upstairs and help Duncan get that list done."

"No Jim, I don't want to walk out on you, here." Blair's voice was quiet, but he was looking Jim straight in the eyes. "We can find a solution, I'm just not sure what that is yet."

"Yeah, I know, but not now, okay? I have to teach class in an hour and I don't want to go down there with my head all mixed up."

"This is really hard on you, I know. I'm sorry Jim, I hate letting you down like this, man. I'm going to figure this out, I swear I will." Blair looked so defeated, Jim couldn't stand it.

"Please, Blair, don't be so hard on yourself. You've done more for me than anyone ever has. I mean it, you go out on a limb for me and never give it a second thought. I've never had a better friend. I don't want to lose you because of this." Jim's hand moved back and forth in the space between them, indicating what he didn't have words for. He looked tired.

"You too, Jim. You gave me the first real home I've ever had. Okay, I'll let it drop, for now. But I'm not giving up, I will figure this whole thing out, I mean it." Blair looked so determined that Jim believed him.

"Thanks, Chief. I'll see you later."

"Yeah, come upstairs after you finish with your class, we want to take you to a great blues bar. A friend of Duncan's owns it, he's a cool guy."

"Sounds good, Chief," Jim actually felt a little better, "I'll be up after I shower and change."

Blair left Jim, feeling ten different ways about what had just happened, and how they had dealt with it. He felt like they'd made progress, but at what cost? Now he was wondering how Duncan would deal with it.

He climbed the stairs slowly, not quite ready to face his lover. He had to tell him what had happened, he'd promised to be totally honest with Duncan, and he was going to keep his word, no matter what. He was nervous though, what had just happened between him and Jim had been intensely personal, and also intensely sexual. Even though Jim had only put his hand on his chest, Blair had felt that touch in every part of his body. He could still feel it, a lingering awareness of Jim, and the energy between them. It wasn't something he really wanted to talk about, even with Duncan, but it wasn't fair not to. If the three of them were going to keep building this trust between them, it was going to require total honesty.

Blair stopped at the top of the stairs, trying to get his head together before he opened the door. Relax, Blair told himself angrily. Duncan isn't going to blame you. No, but he should, his conscience answered. A minute ago, standing in Jim's kitchen, he had wanted to get as close to Jim as he possibly could, in a very sexual way, and now it felt like a horrible betrayal of Duncan's trust. Blair realized he was making himself sick agonizing over it, when he knew he was going to tell Duncan anyway. The only thing to do was to go in and spill his guts.

Blair took a deep breath, and opened the door. Duncan was in the kitchen, leaning on the island writing out the grocery list. He looked up, his smile of greeting quickly turning to concern. "Are you okay, kiddo?"

"Uh, yeah. Duncan, can we, um, wait a little while to go shopping?"

"Yeah, sure, Caro. What happened?" Duncan put down the pen, coming around the counter to meet Blair halfway. Blair walked into Duncan's arms, his forehead falling forward onto his shoulder, but his arms stayed limp at his sides.

"I'm losing what's left of my sanity."

"Tell me?" Duncan's voice was tender, his hands coming up to knead his lover's tense shoulders.

"Yeah, sit with me."

Duncan followed Blair to the couch, sitting down beside him and reaching for his hand. The anxiety in Blair's eyes made him want to pull his lover into his arms, but something in Blair's body language told him not to. Duncan waited, and finally Blair took a deep breath, his eyes moving nervously around the room as he spoke.

"Um, remember when you told me to be completely honest with you about what's going on with me and Jim?"

"Yes?" Duncan's thumb stroked the back of Blair's hand gently.

"I wanna do that... I'm just not sure how to explain what just happened. I mean, nothing happened, but something happened."

"Okay, just relax. Take it slow. You can tell me anything, Blair, you know that."

Blair sighed, "Yeah, I do. Okay, um, when you left, I tried to get Jim to do some tests with me, and I pushed a little too hard..."

"What kind of test?" Duncan interrupted softly, wanting to be sure he got the whole story out of his distressed lover.

"Uh, well, I wanted to test this theory I had on the touch thing. He keeps zoning on me, every time I touch him, and, I mean, I know what it's about, I feel it, too. I thought maybe if I didn't pull him back, just let him come out of it on his own, you know sometimes he will... Anyway, I just pushed too hard, and he kinda snapped on me."

"He hurt you?" Anger and surprise flashed in Duncan's dark eyes.

"No, he didn't hurt me, he just freaked me out a little."

"What happened, Caro?"

Blair took a deep breath, trying to remember, he exhaled slowly, squeezing Duncan's hand. "He just grabbed my shoulders, that's all, but it scared me, and then he kinda realized it and let go of me. He apologized up and down, he said he never wanted to scare me again. But then..." Blair hesitated, looking into his lover's warm eyes and biting his lower lip.

"It's okay, just tell me, you'll feel better." Duncan squeezed his hand, then pulled it onto his thigh to hold with his other hand.

"Well, I got all excited, 'cause I realized that he'd just touched me without zoning. I mean, yeah, it was him touching me, not me touching him, but it's still a kinda breakthrough... So um, then he touched me again. He just put his hand on my chest, like this," Blair put his palm flat in the center of Duncan's chest, leaving it there when he continued speaking, his voice more hesitant. "It was just... really intense."

"Did he zone?" Duncan tried to be patient, waiting for Blair to explain what had upset him.

"No."

"Then why are you all wound up about this? What's bothering you about it? It sounds like progress to me." Duncan's voice was gentle but clearly confused.

"Um, I didn't mention that the sexual tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I couldn't help it, Duncan. I can't even explain what it felt like... Like a magnet. Like I couldn't pull away if I tried. I feel so guilty. I mean, nothing happened, but not because I didn't want it to. Jim was the one who backed off. He apologized, a lot, and I felt really bad. I'm supposed to be in control of this situation, man, and I almost fucked everything up."

"Shh, relax, Blair. It's okay, really. You didn't do anything wrong, and I'm not upset, all right? You're expecting an awful lot of yourself here. How can you control the situation when you're so emotionally involved?"

"I don't know, but I have to." Blair answered miserably.

"Why Caro?" Duncan questioned him gently, his free hand coming up to wrap around Blair's shoulders. Blair sighed heavily, leaning against him.

"Because if I don't we're going screw up, big time."

"You're afraid that you're going to do something that you'll regret? Or that Jim will?"

"I'm afraid that one of us is gonna lose it, and that can't happen, man. Duncan, do you have any idea how guilty I'd feel if something happened between Jim and I?"

Duncan pulled Blair into his arms. Wrapping one arm around the narrow waist to hold him close, his other hand moved from Blair's shoulder to comb slowly through his thick hair. Duncan thought about it for a long time. Blair was quiet, his forehead resting on Duncan's shoulder. He'd balled himself up in Duncan's embrace, curling up as much as he could against the broad chest.

Duncan's hand moved soothingly through the curls, working through the tangles his fingers found absentmindedly. He hated to see Blair so upset, he felt like a ball of misery in his arms. Duncan knew Jim wasn't in any better shape. He realized that they were doing this to themselves for his sake and it felt wrong.

Duncan knew that he didn't fully understand the link between Jim and Blair, but the fact that it existed was undeniable. He realized that he really wanted Blair to be able to help Jim. He was the only one that could, but Blair's relationship with him was standing in the way of that.

He'd decided from the start of all this that he wouldn't come between the Sentinel and his Guide. He'd told Blair that short of Jim becoming violent, he wouldn't interfere with Blair's relationship with Jim. He was interfering though, his love for Blair was the reason that they were both resisting these instincts between them.

Duncan thought about that for a long time. If intimacy was a part of the Sentinel/Guide bond, how long could they deny it, now that they'd acknowledged the physical aspects of the relationship? If this was inevitable, he didn't want to have to watch Blair put himself through hell trying to avoid it, and he didn't want to be the reason for Jim's suffering, either.

The longer he thought about it, the less sense it made. Monogamy had always been important to him, but Duncan wasn't even sure this was about fidelity.

"You're quiet," Blair commented gently, not moving at all in Duncan's arms.

"Tell me something, honestly?" Duncan's fingers continued to stroke Blair's curls.

"What?"

"I know you love him. Are you in love with him?"

Blair stirred, uncurling a little to look up at Duncan. "I was, six months ago, but no, I'm not anymore. I feel like a jerk saying it. It's hard... It's so complicated, the dynamics between us have flipped around so many times over the past three weeks. So much has changed between us." Blair looked up at him beseechingly, "I'm in love with you. What's going on with me and Jim is very different. I'm not even sure I understand it well enough to try to explain it. He's still my best friend, first, I know that. Me being his Guide is separate, but connected to that. There's so much more..." Blair took a deep breath, trying to organize his thoughts, "Okay, let me try to find the words for this... Um, okay, the physical part, that is pure instinct, man, it really is... but the wanting it is emotional. I really do think that this is a necessary part of the Guide thing, but honestly, Duncan, it scares me to death."

"Why?"

Duncan didn't try to hold him when Blair sprang out of his arms and began to pace in front of him. "I just keep screwing him up. Every time I think I can help him I mess him up worse. I made him give up him whole entire life, just to have me as his Guide. I'm supposed to be the one who has the answers here, and I'm scared shitless." Blair's pacing grew to cover the length of the loft. Hands and hair flying, he continued his tirade.

"For two weeks, we've been making each other crazy. He's miserable. I'm miserable. You can't be all that happy, and I feel guilty as shit. I keep fucking it up. I feel like it's all going to explode any minute!" Blair had come to a standstill, hands in his hair. His breath was ragged, his voice constricted.

"I don't know what to do, Duncan, I feel like I'm walking a tightrope here, except he's the one that's gonna fall. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to betray somebody." Blair's hands wiped angrily at the cold tears on his cheeks.

"Come here, Caro, please? I think I know how to make this better, but we have to talk about it." Duncan's dark eyes were calm and serious.

Blair inhaled deeply, dragging his hands across his face one more time. He came to Duncan, reaching to grasp the offered hand.

"I want you to listen to me, and think about this with me. This is how I feel. I love you, I love everything that you are. I love the part of you that is his Guide, too. I know that the connection between you and Jim is real, I can see it. I watched you save his life. He needs you. I promised that I wouldn't interfere between you and him, unless it was to protect you. But the way things are, my love for you is interfering with your role as his Guide, and it doesn't have to."

Duncan's hands came up to cup his lover's face, he leaned forward to brush his lips softly across Blair's. "I love you. I don't want to make you deny what you are to him. I can accept it."

"Duncan... Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Blair looked up at the man he adored in a state of total shock.

"I'm saying that I can't be this selfish. I don't want it to change what we have together, and I hope it doesn't, but I don't want you to resist it because you love me. I want you to do what's right between you and Jim, whatever that may be."

Blair shook his head, unable to look at Duncan, "I don't know what to say... I feel horrible. I can't ask you to do that... It's not fair."

"No, Blair, listen to me. I can't watch you put yourself through this, that's the point. I don't want you to be unhappy. We can handle this," Duncan reached for Blair's hands, interlacing their fingers, "I love you. I'm not going to love you any less if you sleep with him, Blair, and I'm not going to be angry."

Blair was crying, he couldn't help it. What Duncan was saying was overwhelming, it pushed him right over the emotional edge he'd been teetering on ever since Jim had touched him. Using the strength of Duncan's hands to pull himself forward, Blair fell into Duncan's chest, his arms coming up to wrap tightly around his neck. "I love you," Blair sobbed against Duncan's thick hair.

"Shh, it's okay, I know you do. Everything's going to be all right."

Blair took a shaky breath, laughing a little. "I guess I have to believe you. You just keep telling me that, and you've been right up until now." He pulled back a little to meet his lover's eyes, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am."

Blair dropped his head back to Duncan's shoulder, "Can my life get any weirder? I love you so much..."

Duncan hugged him close, relieved when he felt Blair begin to relax in his arms. "I love you, too."

Blair spoke against Duncan's chest, to embarrassed to look up at him, "You really think that I should, just, like, let it happen?"

"If that's what you think is the right thing to do. Just let yourself be his Guide, and don't worry about us, we're not going to love each other any less, are we?"

Blair shook his mop of curls against Duncan's solid chest, "I couldn't."

"Then don't worry, Caro. We can handle this, I know we can."

Part 20

By Zen&nancy

Duncan and Blair talked all afternoon. The grocery store was forgotten, and the room grew dark as the afternoon sunlight faded, but they stayed curled up in each other's arms, talking quietly.

Jim's knock at the door surprised them both. Blair looked up at the clock on the wall in the kitchen in disbelief. "Oh my God, we talked all day. It's six o'clock!" He got up from the couch, squeezing Duncan's hand one last time before going to let Jim in.

Jim came in smiling, dressed in dark slacks and a light blue dress shirt. "Hey, Chief, how's it going? You get all your chores done?" Jim looked around the dark, still messy loft.

"Um... Not really. We kinda blew it off."

Duncan came to Blair's rescue, "Hey Jim, how'd the class go?"

Jim came over to sit on the couch with him. "Great, fantastic. I'm thinking you might want to offer this one again in the spring, after high school's let out for the summer."

"Sure, as long as you're willing to teach it, I'd love to. Spence says the kids really like you."

"Yeah, well, they're here because they want to learn. Once they get it through their heads that they're not Bruce Lee, they're really great to work with."

Duncan laughed, "Yeah, I know what you mean. Listen, I need to get ready, let me change my clothes and we'll get out of here. Have you eaten yet?"

"No, have you two?"

"No, let's stop and get something before we go to Joe's. How about Italian?"

Jim nodded agreeably, "Sounds good. Get dressed, I'm starving."

"Okay, I'll be quick." Duncan got up, stopping at his dresser to pick out clothes to wear before going into the bathroom.

Blair watched him from the kitchen, where he'd retreated to sit cross legged on the counter top. He was envious of how relaxed Duncan was with Jim. He really seemed to okay with it, he wasn't the least bit off kilter. While he, on the other hand, felt like the world had tilted on it's axis, and he was still trying to get his balance back.

Even though he and Duncan had discussed the situation all afternoon, it took seeing Jim to make it real for him. As soon as he'd opened the door he'd felt the wave of heat pass through him, and he'd realized that this was going to happen. Feeling the powerful, instinctual attraction, and knowing that it couldn't happen for the past two weeks had left him a basket case. Seeing Jim now, all dressed up and looking hot as hell and knowing it would happen scared him silly.

"What's the matter, Chief? Your heart's going double-time. You okay?"

Blair hopped down from the counter top to wander around the loft, turning on lights.

"Um, yeah, I'm okay Jim." Blair smiled reassuringly at him, feeling his stomach flip over. Jim looked so damn good dressed to go out, it was hard not to stare at him. "You look great."

Jim shrugged self-consciously, "Thanks."

His Guide stood looking at him for another moment, the now familiar heat in his dark blue eyes.

"I guess I should be getting ready to go."

Jim listened to Blair's heart race. He was nervous. Jim frowned, unhappy about the idea of Blair uncomfortable around him.

"Yeah, why don't you do that, Chief."

"Um, yeah, okay, I'll do that." Blair mumbled distractedly, still lost in Jim's eyes. His feet felt like they were sunk in concrete, but he made himself move, going to the wardrobe to find something to wear.

Jim sighed softly, leaning back against the couch. It was difficult not to get angry at Blair when he looked at him like that. It was hard enough keeping these feelings under control without Blair blatantly leering at him like that.

Blair opened the bathroom door enough to slip through, smiling at a shirtless Duncan shaving at the sink, "Hey, gorgeous."

Duncan smiled at him in the mirror, making room for Blair next to him in front of the sink. "How're you holding up, kiddo?"

"Sort of okay?" Blair tried to make it a believable statement, but it came out sounding like a question anyway. His eyes laughed helplessly at Duncan's in the mirror, "Nervous does not begin to explain how I feel."

Duncan finished shaving, setting the razor down on the edge of the sink and turning to his lover. "I can't imagine what this is like for you, but maybe the best thing to do is just try to put it all out of your head. Just go out tonight and have a good time and try to forget about everything else. I think we could all use the night off."

"Oh man, I am so there. I'll try, I promise. It's just not easy. I can't believe how nervous I am, Duncan. It's weird. I mean, I can't even imagine it..."

"Then don't. Sometimes the best way to find an answer to something is not to look for it."

"Okay, Mr. Miyagi, I get the point." Blair chuckled.

Duncan gave him a blank, slightly suspicious look, "Okay, what cultural reference am I missing here?"

"Come on, man, The Karate Kid, Mr. Miyagi, the old Japanese guy... He catches a fly in his chopsticks." Blair laughed again at Duncan's frown.

"That's ridiculous."

"I love you."

Duncan finished buttoning his shirt, reaching for the his hair tie and wrapping it tightly around his hair at the base of his neck.

"The triangle, cool. I like that one best," Blair smiled at him, reaching for his brush.

"Me too. I'll meet you out there, okay?"

"Yeah, okay. I'll be out in a minute."

Duncan went back to his dresser for his wallet and keys, wondering what Jim would think of Joe Dawson.

"So where are we going for dinner, Mac?" Jim asked him, getting to his feet and wandering restlessly to the window. Duncan smiled, thinking that Jim wasn't any better at sitting still than Blair was.

"Villa Palermo?"

"Your call, Italian sounds really good, though."

"You'll like this place, it has wonderful food. Sort of a neighborhood landmark, it's been there for years."

"Okay, I'm ready. Duncan, do you have keys? I can't find mine," Blair came out of the bathroom to join them, going to his backpack to dig out his i.d.

"Now that's a shock," Jim chuckled, shaking his head at Blair. So much about his Guide had changed, it was good to know that inside he was still the same Blair.

"Yeah, Caro, of course I do. I always have keys. He's on his second set," Duncan told Jim, laughing when Blair stuck his tongue out at him.

"Total slander, man, it could have happened to anybody. I just forgot to take them out of my pocket when I dropped my jacket off at the cleaners and they lost them."

"Nope, that would only happen to you, Chief." Jim grinned at him, following Duncan to the elevator.

Duncan laughed at his lover's face, waiting for him to grab his coat and follow them into the elevator before he pulled the gate.

Blair relaxed a little over dinner, and all three of them stuffed themselves on spaghetti and meatballs. By the time they left for Joe's, they were all in good spirits.

In the car on the way to the bar, Jim told Duncan the story of how Blair had moved into the loft in Cascade. By the time he got to the part about Larry the monkey, Duncan was laughing uncontrollably.

"Oh, come on, Jim. You liked Larry, you know you did." Blair piped in from the back seat.

"Sandburg, you brought a monkey into my house, and he trashed the place. He escaped because he knew I was going to turn him into monkey stew when I got home."

"You let a monkey loose in Cascade?" Duncan asked, astonished.

"No, man, he was a Barbary ape. It wasn't like I let him go, he escaped." Blair's eyes laughed at him in the rearview mirror.

"You never cease to amaze me, kiddo."

"So, Mac, you know the guy that owns this place?" Jim asked as Duncan pulled into a parking spot on the side of the building.

"Yeah, we've been friends for a long time. His name is Joe Dawson. I think you'll like him."

It was Saturday night, and the bar was fairly crowed. Joe spotted them as soon as they came in though, waving to Duncan from behind the bar.

"Hey Mac, I was hoping you two would show up tonight. I saved you a table." Joe nodded in the direction of the only unoccupied table near the stage, with a 'reserved' card on it.

"Thanks, come talk when you can," Duncan called back, guiding Blair through the crowd with a hand at the small of his back.

Blair sat between Duncan and Jim, watching Jim take in his surroundings.

"So, what do you think?"

"I like it Chief, I really do. Nice place."

"Isn't it? It's homey. Wait till you hear Joe play, he's awesome."

"Can't wait."

Joe picked his way through the crowd, wondering who Duncan and Blair had with him.

"Hey Mac, how's it going? You keepin' him out of trouble, Blair?" Joe came up behind them, clapping a hand on Blair's shoulder.

"Hi Joe! We're good. I want you to meet my best friend, Jim Ellison. Jim, this is Joe Dawson."

Joe smiled at the stranger, offering him his hand, "Hi Jim, welcome to my place. You a cop?"

Jim laughed, returning Joe's handshake, "How'd you know?"

Joe shrugged, "I've owned a bar for long enough to pick out a cop when I see one." His smile was friendly.

"I was on the force in Cascade, nine years." Jim looked around, taking in the crowd and the activity on the stage, "So, Duncan says you're the band, too?"

"Yeah, gotta pay rent. You like blues?" Joe caught his waitress's attention, waving her over to their table to take their order.

"Yeah, I do. Do you take requests?"

"Sometimes. What do you want to hear?"

"Buddy Guy. Anything, but "Damn Right I Got The Blues" if you do it."

Joe grinned, "I'm a Buddy Guy fan from way back. I'm from Chicago. Sure, I'll do Damn Right for you. So, you in town to visit Blair?"

Duncan spoke before Jim had the chance to. "Actually, he's just moved here. We've set him up an apartment in the building on the third floor. Jim's teaching a couple of classes at the dojo for me."

"Really? Well that's great. Welcome to Seacouver, Jim, it's good to have you." Joe nodded to his bass player, who was motioning to him that they were ready to play. Holding up one finger, he turned back to Jim. "I'll come back and have a beer with you guys at the break, it's nice to meet you, Jim."

"Likewise, thanks."

Joe headed for the stage, sending a quizzical look at Duncan back over his shoulder.

"So when are we going to go shopping for Christmas decorations for the dojo and the loft?" Blair asked Duncan expectantly, reaching for his beer.

"You're right, we should go soon if we're going to do this. I suppose we could do it tomorrow. Are you willing, Jim?"

"To go to the mall with you two jokers two weeks before Christmas? Only if I can go armed," Jim kidded, grimacing at the idea of the noise and perfume levels of a packed shopping mall. "No, I'll go, but let's try and get it over with early, huh?"

Duncan grinned, thinking about how hard it was to get Blair out of bed on Sunday mornings. "We can try. I have quite a bit of Christmas stuff in storage on the second floor, but I'll have to go through it and see what we need. I think we should get more lights, we didn't have enough last year, and we should buy candy for the party, too. Maybe go to the deli and order some snack trays for the parents and some cookies."

"Good idea," Blair interrupted, excited about getting ready for the holidays. "We should go to the toy store and get a bunch of little things to give out as prizes for the games. Maybe like a grab bag or something, and then you want to have presents for all the kids under the tree, too, right?"

"Definitely, most of those kids come from homes where there isn't going to be a lot of money for presents, and I want them all to get at least one toy."

Jim shook his head, smiling. Duncan had the money to buy a Christmas present for every kid in his neighborhood. Then again, so did a lot of other people, but they would never even think of doing it. "You really are a boy scout, MacLeod. You gonna put them all through college, too?"

Duncan sighed, "I would if I could. Education is definitely the only way out for most of them, but having a place to go after school helps too."

"You're a good egg, Mac," Jim smiled at him, taking a long pull from his beer. This was easier than he'd thought it was going to be. He hadn't really wanted to tag along on Duncan and Blair's date, but he was having a good time.

Their conversation trailed off as Joe stepped up to the mike, introducing the band and thanking the crowd for coming out. Jim turned his chair to face the stage. He grinned at Joe, raising his bottle to him when he began with a classic Buddy Guy intro. Jim was surprised by how good they really were, Joe and his band were a class act.

"He's good, Mac, really good. This guy should have a record contract."

"I know, but this is what he loves, I don't think he'd give up the bar for anything, even fame. He is really talented, though, it's good to see the place crowded."

The waitress stopped at their table in her circle around the bar, Blair declined but Duncan and Jim both ordered a second drink.

"Being careful tonight, Caro?" Duncan drawled, giving Blair a wicked, conspiratorial smile.

Blair blushed, but he only nodded, turning his attention back to the stage. Jim watched the interchange, feeling longing and jealousy sweep over him. He tried to push it away, telling himself that Duncan was a good man, better for Blair than he could ever be, but it still made him want to pull Blair away from him. The way Blair smiled at him, embarrassed by whatever secret Duncan was reminding him of, hurt like hell. He didn't want to be reminded of their history. He didn't want to have to think about any of the time that he and Blair had spent apart, but that time had been very important to his Guide. No matter how much he'd like to, he couldn't deny it.

The band played a rollicking set, going smoothly from Buddy Guy to B. B. King, then south for some Mississippi delta blues, and then on to original material that had become popular among the regulars. Joe came back to the table when they took a break, acknowledging their applause with a smile.

"Man, you are really good. You should be famous," Jim told him as Joe sat down, signaling to the waitress for a beer.

"Thanks, but I think I'm happy where I'm at. Fame has a funny way of taking it all away from you." Joe met Duncan's eyes, a look of shared regret passing between them.

"Have you heard from him?" Duncan asked quietly, knowing that Joe would know who he was asking about.

Joe shook his head no, "I'm sorry, Mac. I was hoping he would call and let me know if he's coming for Christmas, but I haven't heard anything. I'm worried about him too," Joe added softly, not surprised when Duncan quickly looked away.

"I have heard from someone else, though. Have you talked to Amanda lately, Mac?" Joe taunted, amusement in his eyes.

Duncan rolled his eyes, "You know damn well I haven't, Dawson."

"Well, she'll be here two days before Christmas. Thank me. She was planning on staying at the loft, but I explained that it would probably be more convenient if she got a hotel," Joe was grinning evilly at his friend and charge.

"How did you explain it, Dawson?" Duncan's voice held a veiled threat.

Joe laughed, enjoying Mac's discomfort, "I told her you were with someone. She was only as miffed as she usually is, I figured I'd leave the details to you, Mac."

Duncan closed his eyes briefly, groaning, "Thanks, Joe, I really appreciate that."

Blair was looking at him expectantly, a wicked glee in his bright blue eyes, "Cool, I finally get to meet Amanda."

Duncan was relieved to see that Blair was only amused, and not apprehensive about meeting his on and off lover of two hundred years. It was good to know that Blair was that secure in their relationship. He had every reason to be, Duncan was as hopelessly in love as he'd ever been, and he was glad that Blair knew it. It was because he did love Blair so completely that he could accept the possibility of Blair giving his body to Jim.

"You're a brave man, Blair. I'm not sure how Amanda's going to react to you. Ah, hell, she'll probably think you're cute."

Jim looked up at Joe sharply, but the older man was laughing, shaking his head in mock disapproval when Duncan reached out to pull Blair's chair up against his, wrapping his arm possessively around Blair's shoulders.

"She can think all she likes, so long as she keeps her hands to herself."

"Mac, when have you known Amanda to do that? You, my friend, are in for a world of trouble, and I, for one, can't wait to see it."

Duncan shook his head, tightening his grip on his lover, "If there's any trouble, it's your fault, Dawson."

Joe laughed, "Ah, come on, MacLeod, you're a diplomat, I'm sure you can smooth things over. Nothing a trip to the jewelers won't fix. Richie, on the other hand, is another story. You're going to have to handle that one delicately, Mac. The kid worships the ground you walk on, still. I don't know how he's gonna take it. He was planning on staying with me, anyway, I guess he figured Amanda... Anyway, I didn't say anything to him, just told him you were staying in town."

"I'll talk to him, Joe, it'll be okay, don't worry about it." Duncan squeezed Blair's hand reassuringly when he looked apprehensively between them.

"Don't worry, Caro, it will be all right. Richie's a good kid. You'll like him."

"Okay, who's Amanda? And why do you have to walk on egg shells around Richie?" Jim turned to Duncan expectantly, frowning at him at when Duncan gave him a banal answer.

"Both close friends, I'm glad that everyone's coming home for Christmas."

Across the table, Joe watched Duncan carefully, knowing that he was really thinking that not everyone would be coming home, and wondering, as Joe was, what was keeping the old man away.

"Sounds like a cop out to me, Mac. Guess I get to wait and see."

Blair laughed, grinning at Jim across the table, "It's gonna be an awesome Christmas, man, I know it is."

Joe smiled at Blair's exuberance, teasing him gently, "He's only had one beer, Mac, and he's already all bouncy. Look out, you could be in for trouble."

Blair blushed, and Duncan pulled him back against his chest, laughing back, "I think I can handle it."

Jim got up, mumbling about going to rest room. He had to get away from Blair, or he was going to yank him right out of Duncan's arms. He saw his Guide move away from Duncan self-consciously as he left the table, and berated himself for making it so obvious. Blair deserved to be happy, and he had no right to mar that happiness with guilt for what was his fault in the first place.

When he returned to the table Duncan had ordered another beer for him, and Joe was back on stage. Blair looked over at him briefly as he sat down, a quick look of sympathy and apology that was hard to swallow. He made himself return his Guide's smile though, turning his chair back to face the stage again.

Duncan leaned close to whisper in Blair's ear, "Don't worry, Caro. Everything will be all right."

Blair nodded, turning his head to kiss his quickly. "I know."

Jim leaned back in his chair, letting the music fill his senses. It was so good that he didn't want to turn it down. He let himself get lost in the rhythm, feeling the notes of the bass reverberate in his chest. They were sitting close to the amplifiers, but for once he was enjoying the loud music. It made it easier to let go of his thoughts and block everything else out, getting lost in the sweet sadness of Joe's guitar.

He sighed regretfully when they finished their second set, Joe thanking everyone again for coming out to hear them. Duncan stood, holding Blair's coat for him to slip his arms into. It was such a casual gesture, but it twisted the knife deeper, and Jim had to turn his eyes away, noticing that the world had gotten fuzzy, light trailing and reflecting back at him dizzily.

"Jim? Hey, man, you okay?" Blair stood at his side, one hand hovering above his shoulder, wanting to touch him but remembering not to.

"Yeah, just my eyes... I shouldn't have had that third beer, I haven't been doing so great with alcohol lately."

Blair sighed, frowning. That was a major understatement. "Okay, um, just be careful, okay?" Blair reached out carefully, catching hold of the sleeve of Jim's coat, not touching him at all. Blair led him out of the bar, the hand that Guided him never touching his wrist. It was familiar, to be following Blair carefully, certain that his Guide wouldn't let him slip up, even though he could barely see at all. Duncan offered to pull the car around when they'd stepped outside the door, and Blair thanked him, sounding relieved.

"That'd be good. You're the best, man."

"No problem, Caro. I'll be right back." Duncan walked away, car keys jingling in his hand.

"I'm sorry, Chief, I should have know better. I just didn't think."

"How are your eyes? Tell me for real, Jim, be honest with me." Blair's voice was stern.

"Not so good. Lots of trails, color but no real definition. I can piggyback the sound thing like you showed me if I try hard. It helps the balance a lot. It'll be okay as soon as I sober up a little. Don't worry about it, Chief, I'll be fine." Jim didn't want to spoil his Guide's evening. He remembered Blair and Duncan talking about taking him to Joe's last night, and how excited Blair had been about it. He felt bad for spoiling the little R and R time Blair had.

"Hey, come on, Jim, don't bullshit me man, there's just no point, okay? You're upset, and you're a little bit drunk and your eyes are going haywire."

"Yeah, but I don't want you worrying about it. It's no big deal, nothing compared to what I did to myself back in Cascade. I'll be okay, it'll go back to normal in an hour or two."

"Okay tough guy, have it your way. Duncan's here." Blair grasped Jim's sleeve lightly, leading him to the curb. Duncan reached across to open the door for them and Blair hopped into the back seat, letting Jim feel his way into the front.

The ride home was mostly silent, Jim listened to Blair and Duncan talk quietly, making plans for Christmas shopping tomorrow morning. Duncan spoke to him kindly as he turned onto their street, "Almost home. How's your eyesight?"

"Okay. Getting better."

"That's good," Duncan pulled into his parking spot, putting the car in park. Blair helped Jim out of the T-bird, guiding him carefully to the door.

Jim wanted to thank Blair for his help, but he didn't trust himself to speak. Blair's hand had closed around his wrist, over the sleeve of his overcoat. He was sure his Guide wasn't aware that he was touching him, and he didn't want to lose the slight connection to Blair's body. Even through two layers of cloth, he could feel the pads of his Guide's fingertips, the pressure against the inside of his wrist, and the blood flowing under the skin.

Blair held the door open for him and Jim closed his eyes, deciding it was easier to let Blair Guide him than to try to interpret the streams of painfully bright light in the hallway. Duncan held the elevator gate for them, catching Jim's arm to steady him when he tripped stepping into the lift.

"Thanks," Jim mumbled, not bothering to open his eyes.

"It's okay." Duncan answered softly, meeting his lover's anxious eyes with calm reassurance.

"I'm gonna walk Jim to his apartment and I'll be right up, okay?"

"Sure, Caro. I'll see you in the morning, Jim."

"No, I can find my way inside my own house. Give me a little credit, here, Chief. I can handle it. Go to bed, I'll see you in the morning." Jim's tone of voice didn't encourage discussion.

"Um, okay, if you're sure you'll be all right... Be careful."

The elevator stopped at the third floor and Jim waited for Mac to pull the gate for him.

"Thanks, MacLeod. See you in the morning."

"Good night Jim."

Blair fidgeted nervously next to Duncan, twisting his fingers and shifting his balance from one foot to the other. Neither of them said anything until they were inside the loft. Blair took off his coat and Duncan took it from him to hang up. They turned towards each other, both speaking at once.

"Duncan..."

"Blair..."

Blair laughed, coming to stand in Duncan's waiting arms. His lover pulled him close, bending to reach his lips. Duncan kissed him very softly, his tongue pushing gently into Blair's mouth to taste him thoroughly.

Blair relaxed against him, smiling dazedly when Duncan's lips released him, "What were you gonna say?"

"Go to him, Caro. He needs you."

"Now?" Blair whispered, looking up at Duncan with wide, scared eyes.

"Yes. Don't worry, everything will be all right." Duncan kissed Blair's forehead, turning him around and pushing him gently back towards the elevator. "I love you. I'll see you in the morning."

Blair hesitated, then rushed back into the safety of Duncan's arms, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist.

"I'm scared. I love you."

Duncan smoothed Blair's hair tenderly, "Shh, it's okay, Caro, really. I wouldn't be telling you to do this if I wasn't sure. Trust me. I won't be angry, I swear it. I love you."

Blair looked up at him adoringly, drawing strength from the certainty in the warm brown eyes. "Okay," He whispered, slowly releasing his tight hold on his lover's waist. "I think you are the most incredible person I have ever known."

Duncan's hands on his shoulders turned him gently, and Blair walked into the elevator and pulled the gate, not letting himself look back. Duncan watched him go, sighing softly. Going to the other side of the room, he got himself a glass and poured it half full of scotch. It was going to be a long night. He knew that he'd done the right thing, and he felt good about it, but he would miss Blair beside him in bed tonight. If he was honest with himself, he had to admit that he was apprehensive about what the morning might bring.

Blair stood outside Jim's door, his heart pounding frantically in his chest. The walk down the hall had felt like it was a mile long. He knew he should be trying to think of what to say when Jim opened the door, but his brain seemed to have shut down. He told himself that he should knock, Jim was bound to hear him standing here trying not to hyperventilate. Before he could though, the door swung open, Jim's broad frame filling the doorway.

"What's wrong, Chief?" Jim swept his Guide quickly with his senses, taking in the rapid heartbeat, perspiration and accelerated breathing.

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah. What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"No way. Not at all." Blair realized that he was scaring Jim, and did everything he could to get himself under control. This wasn't going to work if he couldn't calm down. He took a deep breath, forcing himself to let it out slowly.

"No, I'm sorry, I'm okay. Really, everything's okay." Blair walked passed Jim to the couch, sitting down and looking up at him for the first time since he'd opened the door. "Come here, Jim, sit down. We need to talk."

His Guide's eyes were deadly serious. Fear gripped his stomach, but he responded to the plea in Blair's voice, walking slowly to sit down next to him.

"Okay. What do we need to talk about?" He was too close. He'd done it to himself. He could have sat at the other end of the couch, but the seriousness of Blair's voice made him want to be close to him. He didn't think he wanted to hear whatever Blair had to say, he hoped he could get through this without zoning out on him. Blair was talking, his deep voice sliding into the hypnotic Guide rhythm. Jim blinked rapidly, forcing himself to concentrate on what Blair was saying.

"... Been really hard on you, I know it has, and I want you to know how much it means to me. We've got a lifetime commitment here, man, and we have to make it right again... I know we can do this, Jim. Please, just trust me, just trust me, Jim..." Blair's voice caressed him, spreading gently through his consciousness. Jim realized that Blair had taken both his hands, holding them lightly in his smaller ones. "I know this is how it's supposed to be, Jim, you just have to trust me, partner. It's going to be okay..." Blair squeezed his hands gently, moving slowly across the space between them.

Jim was frozen, not zoned, but so focused on Blair's voice that it took a moment to realize what Blair was actually saying. His Guide was so close, so very close. It took willpower he didn't know he had not to pull Blair into his arms. One thought stopped him.

"Duncan..."

"No, it's totally okay, I promise. We talked about it all day, everything's going to be all right. Just trust me, Jim, please. I want to make it better, buddy, I know I can. Just trust me, please. We can take this so slow..." Blair's hands slid slowly over the backs of Jim's hands, moving up the solid forearms.

Blair felt himself falling, lulled by the sound of his own voice, crooning softly to Jim. It was almost like a trance, the way he lost himself when he was guiding the Sentinel, stretching his mind out to the link he could feel between them, leading Jim back to him with his voice. Jim wasn't zoned, though, and he was touching him with his body now, his side pressed against Jim's from knee to shoulder. Blair felt as though he was completely aware of every cell, every pore of his body that touched Jim's, and he wondered briefly if this was what Jim felt.

"See, this is good, you're not zoning..." Blair continued gently, his hands sliding slowly up and down Jim's forearms, feeling the muscles relax under his hands. "Everything's going to be okay now, I promise..." Blair's words stopped when Jim's strong arms came up to wrap tightly around his waist, pulling him into his lap.

Jim's arms crushed him tightly against his chest, squeezing him painfully hard. Blair hugged him back just as hard, his arms coming up to wrap around Jim's broad shoulders.

Jim buried his face in Blair's thick hair, every one of his senses filled with nothing but the awareness of his Guide. Blair was heavy and warm and solid in his arms, his breath against Jim's neck something so familiar that it shook him to the core. Jim felt the dam of emotion break inside him, clutching Blair even tighter against him. Finally, his Guide was exactly where he wanted him to be, so close that he couldn't even tell where he stopped and Blair began. Jim listened to their hearts beating in unison, the slow, matched rush of their breaths, and felt pure joy flood his senses. Nothing had ever felt like this before, nothing possibly could.

Blair shifted against him, reminding him silently of his painfully fierce hold on his Guide, Jim relaxed his arms around Blair's rib cage, sighing when Blair melted against him. Blair's head fit perfectly against his collar bone, his arms locked tightly around his neck. Jim realized he was rocking them slowly, absorbing his Guide through his skin.

They stayed that way for a long time, neither of them willing to move and break the sense of oneness. Jim held the compact body tenderly now, his face still buried in his Guide's mop of hair, his lips pressed against his scalp. Finally, Blair shifted a little, lifting his head from Jim's shoulder.

Jim's eyes were like lodestones, drawing him in until his face was only a breath away from his Sentinel's, their breath coming in slow, measured unison.

"Easy, it's okay..." Blair whispered softly, letting himself be drawn into the strong, magnetic pull.

Their lips sealed against each other, mouths slightly open, breath exhaled in a rush through flared nostrils. Jim moaned quietly into his Guide's mouth, drowning in his taste and texture. This was what his Guide tasted like. Happiness rushed in his veins like a drug and Jim fought the zone with everything he had, conscious only of the need to stay connected to his Guide.

Blair pulled back, biting his tongue before he spoke, starting instinctually to try to pull Jim back from nothingness and then stopping himself. Instead, he relaxed completely against the hard, frozen body, wrapping his arms around Jim's neck. He sealed his lips over Jim's, his tongue pushing into Jim's slack mouth.

After only a moment, Jim responded, his arms tightening instinctually around his Guide. His first sensation was warmth. The heat of Blair's body pressed tightly against him and the wet fire of his tongue stroking the inside of his mouth. He sucked mindlessly at the soft, full lips, drawing Blair's tongue in deeper. Blair's taste filled his mouth, sending heat coursing through his body in waves. Jim groaned, his hands coming up to sink into the thick, silky hair, aware of each individual strand as it slid across his skin.

Blair's mouth slanted over his, responding to Jim's tongue ardently, feeding him the desire burning inside him. Jim's hands moved from his hair to stroke his face, tracing the lines of bone and muscle he could feel beneath his sensitive fingertips. His Guide made a small sound against his lips, and gentled his tongue's frenzied thrusts into his mouth.

Jim thought he might die from the pleasure, but he held onto consciousness with absolute determination. Slowly, a delayed sort of shock set in. He tried to remember what Blair had been saying to him, but the desire burning through him made it difficult to hold on to a thought. Blair's lips were so soft, the small mouth open and welcoming, small, sharp teeth and velvet tongue.

Finally, real awareness came back and Jim pulled away, unable to tear his eyes from Blair's wet, gasping mouth. A long, charged minute passed between them.

"Blair..." his voice sounded hoarse and unnatural to his ears, Jim almost let himself zone on the hungry, naked expression of Blair's wide blue eyes. He made himself take a deep breath, and tried again, "Blair... we shouldn't. I... I don't know if I can do this..." Jim stopped again, closing his eyes, his hold on Blair tightening uncontrollably. "You feel so good, Chief. I just want to keep you here..." His voice broke on the last word, his throat sealing up against the pain.

"Shh, easy. I know. It's okay. It's gonna be okay, I promise. I'm here, I'm always gonna be here, man. I'm not ever gonna make you try to do this alone again." Blair's hand's came up between them to touch Jim's face, his fingertips tracing the strong features lovingly, expressing everything he felt for this man who was such an undeniable part of himself.

Jim turned his face into Blair's hand, pressing his lips to the smooth palm. "I'm so sorry, Blair, I'm so sorry, for everything..."

Blair's lips covered his, cutting off his words, raining quick, frantic kisses over his mouth and his jaw. "No. No, it's gonna be okay. I don't want you to think about it now." Blair's whisper was a warm rush of breath against his skin.

"What about Duncan?" Jim forced the words out, his hands moving slowly over his Guide's back.

"It's okay, honest. We talked about it all afternoon. Duncan says that he doesn't want to stop me from being your Guide, and denying the physical attraction between us is doing that... He promised that it would be okay. He's not going to be angry."

Jim interrupted, "Blair, he loves you, how can he..."

"Hush, listen to me," Blair took Jim's face in his hands, turning his head to stare directly into his eyes. "Right now, there's nothing to worry about, nothing at all. It's all the past and future, Jim, and none of it matters. Right now it's just you and me, man, and whatever you want, you can have. Everything's gonna be okay, this isn't wrong, Jim, this is so right..."

Then Blair kissed him again, and the whole world melted away. Blair's lips were so soft, brushing lightly over his, his fingertips still stroking his face. Tracing his eyebrows, fluttering lightly over his closed eyelids, moving across his cheeks and over his jaw. Small hands, with long, finely shaped fingers spread out over the back of his neck, drawing him closer.

Blair shifted in his arms, taking some of his weight off Jim's legs and curling up around him, his knees drawn up on the couch and his upper body draped across Jim's massive chest. It was hard to believe he was really here. The desire burning through him was balanced by the wonderful feeling that he finally had his Jim back, and the knowledge that everything really was going to be okay.

"Ah, Chief, I wish I'd let myself feel this last time... You feel so damn right."

Blair knew he was talking about the night when he'd kicked him out of the loft. Unwilling to waste time on the painful memory, he only mumbled against Jim's lips, "Feel it now." He kissed him tenderly, pouring all the emotion bubbling over inside him into Jim's open mouth.

Jim groaned, his hand coming up to hold the back of Blair's head, savoring his Guide's passionate kisses. He was dimly aware of the hardness pressing against his thigh, but he realized that it only fanned the flames of need rushing through him. Blair's hands had drifted down to his shoulders, kneading the rounded muscles, digging in exquisitely as his tongue fluttered in his mouth. Jim groaned softly, holding Blair tighter against him. His hands roamed restlessly over his Guide's back, longing for more contact.

Their tongues wrapped slowly around each other, each of them knowing that they were playing with fire. Jim forced himself to hold still, returning Blair's passionate kisses, feeling the need grow to desperate hunger inside him.

An entire hour passed slowly like that, neither of them moving, their arms wrapped tightly around each other, kissing until their lips were swollen from the constant contact. For Blair, it felt like eternity. He gave himself up completely to the feel of Jim's tongue in his mouth, pouring himself into his Sentinel without reservation. He felt both completely exposed and utterly protected in Jim's strong embrace. Nothing mattered outside this, right now, Sentinel and Guide.

Jim's whisper broke the heavy silence, "Show me what to do, Blair, I need more..." his lips sealed over his Guide's again, his hands digging into the sharp shoulder blades.

Blair panted back at him, his voice hoarse with need, "Oh, man, Jim. I wanna touch you so bad, I have to."

Blair's hands fumbled with Jim's shirt, pulling his shirt tails free of the waistband of his slacks. His fingers pulled at the small buttons, pushing them through the buttonholes with single minded determination. Jim sat still, neither helping or trying to stop him. When he could push the expensive silk away and Jim's hard chest was exposed, Blair exhaled softly, leaning close to press himself against the exposed skin.

Jim moaned, clutching Blair to him. His Guide's heart pounded against his chest, his swollen lips covering Jim's throat, sucking softly. "Blair..." Jim groaned out loud, his hands grasping at his Guide's shoulders. The shudder of need that went through him sent his senses spinning out of control. The sensation of Blair's hot, moist mouth sucking at the bare skin of his throat spread through his entire body, until he was nothing but the aching desire for his Guide.

"Jim, come back to me, partner. Come on, right here, you know you don't want to miss this, Jim, come on, follow me back, I'm right here..." Blair's words trailed off as Jim opened his eyes, a flush spreading over his cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Chief. I didn't mean to."

"No," Blair shook his head, bright, glossy eyes shining, "No, it's okay. We'll just keep doing this until you don't zone anymore."

"Mm, what about after that?" Jim asked softly, trying to ask his Guide what was going to happen from here.

"Whatever you want, big guy. We'll work on it, don't worry, everything's going to be fine, I promise."

"Okay, Chief. I trust you." Jim answered quietly, his arms tightening around Blair to hug him tightly to his chest. Releasing him, he raised one hand, letting his fingertips brush lightly across Blair's swollen lips, "You always were too smart for me, partner."

"Oh man, it is so good to have you back, for real." Blair wrapped his arms tightly around Jim's shoulders, pushing his face into the side of Jim's neck.

Jim's hands caught the hem of his shirt, holding Blair away from him long enough to pull it over his head. When he pulled him close again, the desire in Blair's eyes made him growl low in his throat, his lips closing possessively over his Guide's.

Blair groaned into his mouth, rubbing himself sensually over the hard, smooth chest. For a second, the heat of Blair's skin was too hot, it burned. Jim turned the dial on his sense of touch down quickly, and suddenly the pleasure was so intense he was afraid that he was going to come. His heart pounded in his chest, the sensation of Blair's skin against his was better than anything he could have imagined, the waves of need went straight to his groin, his hips arching against his Guide. His hands closed over Blair's hips, pulling him closer, and their trapped erections brushed lightly against each other. Blair moaned, his head falling back as his body arched towards him. Pleasure shot through him like a powerful drug in his veins and Jim felt himself begin to slip away. He fought it, but the feeling was too powerful, pulling him down.

"Jim, don't go away on me here, man, I need it too bad..." Rather than letting go, Blair plastered himself to Jim's naked chest, his mouth nuzzling and sucking at the smooth flesh. "Come on, man, this is too good, we're so close... Please, Jim, just let yourself feel it, buddy, turn it down a little if it gets too intense. Oh man, I know you need this, just let me give it to you..." Blair panted softly, his hot, moist breath fanning over Jim's chest as his mouth devoured him. Jim groaned, his hands coming up quickly to grasp either side of Blair's head.

"Blair, don't leave me, don't ever leave me." Jim pulled Blair up to kiss him hungrily, his mouth seeking his Guide's blindly.

"I won't, I promise, never." Blair panted against his lips, his tongue plunging into Jim's mouth, reveling in the way he was caught and held so tightly in Jim's arms.

Blair barely noticed that he was being moved, his entire being was focused on feeding Jim long, passionate kisses. Jim's hands under his ribs lifted him up, laying him back slowly on the couch. Blair became dimly aware of the fact that they were precariously close to falling off the edge of the couch, and tried to counter their dangerous tilt. Unfortunately, flinging his leg around Jim's hard thigh dragged them in the wrong the direction, and they hit the floor hard.

"Ow!" Blair exclaimed, falling hard on one hip and an elbow. Jim did his best to keep from landing on top of him, and managed to hit the floor on his knees, his hands coming down to catch his weight on either side of Blair's head.

They stared into each other's eyes for a second, both turning red, and then burst into laughter. Blair flung his arms up around Jim's neck, pulling the larger man down on top of him.

"Blair, I'm going to squash you," Jim argued, trying to hold his weight off his Guide against the strength of the arms pulling him down.

"No you won't. I don't care." Blair was still laughing, staring up adoringly into Jim's clear blue eyes. "Come here, I wanna kiss you."

Jim sighed, looking down into the beautiful face. It was almost more than he could believe, to really have Blair beneath him like this, laughing up at him, pure happiness in his eyes.

"I need you... I want..." Jim stopped, not knowing how to ask for more. He needed more of Blair, needed to have him naked against him.

Blair's laughter died down, his hands reaching up to pull Jim's face close to his, holding the sides of his head tenderly, "What, Jim? What do you want? You can have it, anything, man, I promise. I want you so bad... You don't have to be embarrassed, Jim, I swear, you can have anything you want, just name it."

Jim groaned softly, his lips moving in to attack his Guide's small, hot mouth, his head swimming with the heat and the implication of Blair's whispered words.

"You, in bed with me, no clothes. I just want to hold you, I want to feel you against me."

"Okay, we can do that, definitely. Floor's hard," Blair's mouth tore itself from his, squirming out from under him.

Blair offered Jim a hand up, grasping the raised hand and hauling the larger man to his feet. Jim's bed was on the other side of the room, a dark blue down comforter spread out over it. Blair led Jim wordlessly across the room, reaching to turn out the light in the living room as they passed it. The loft was cast into shadow, only the light over the kitchen sink still on. Blair stopped next to the bed, stepping away from Jim to pull off his blue jeans.

Belatedly, the fact that he was about to get naked into a bed with another man sprang into Jim's mind, followed by the knowledge that he had asked for exactly that just a minute ago. Blair stood in front of him, his erection very obvious through the thin cotton boxers.

"Jim? Hey, listen to me, partner, it's all good. Anything you want, or nothing at all, okay? We don't have to do anything. Lie down with me, Jim." Blair held out a hand to his Sentinel, not letting himself move forward to touch Jim until he reached for him.

As soon as he touched Blair, the doubt receded in Jim's mind, dissolving under the powerful, familiar sensation of Blair's touch. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to drive you crazy," Jim looked away from Blair, embarrassed.

"No, come on, don't worry about it, I'm fine. We're fine. Just lie down with me, relax, no pressure..." Blair crooned soothingly, guiding Jim gently to lie down on the bed, holding back the covers for him to slip under and crawling in to lie next to him.

Blair laid still, watching Jim with open, trusting eyes. Slowly, the larger man turned on his side to face him, his hands coming up to cup his Guide's face. He stared solemnly into the deep blue eyes for a long moment before leaning in to kiss him softly. Blair's full lips parted slowly for him, their bodies drawn to each other like magnets under the covers.

"Jim," Blair moaned deeply, pressing himself against the long, hard body.

Jim trembled in his Guide's hungry embrace. To hear Blair moaning his name like that filled him with a desperate, possessive want. He pulled Blair tightly against him, rolling his Guide beneath him. Blair moaned, turning his face into Jim's neck, his breath coming in hot pants against his skin. Blair's calves wrapped around his legs, and suddenly Jim was very sorry that he hadn't taken off his dress slacks. The first contact with the heat of Blair's sex sent him into a state of mindless, desperate need. Afraid he was going to zone on the uncontrollable pleasure, Jim made himself speak, hoping to keep himself from losing control.

"Blair... I don't wanna zone, it feels too good. Help me..."

Blair arched up against him, wrapping his arms around Jim's neck to whisper in his ear, "Don't let yourself. Don't concentrate on one sense for too long. If touch gets too intense go to scent, or taste, don't let yourself concentrate too hard, just find the dial and ease it down a little. There you go, that's good, huh?" Blair questioned hotly, grinding his hips slowly against Jim's hard cock.

"Yeah, incredible. Chief..."

"What?" Blair captured Jim's earlobe between his lips, sucking and then biting softly.

"More," it came out a long, shuddering moan.

"Oh, man, I am so there. Jim," Blair babbled excitedly, his hands fumbling between them under the covers. It took eons longer than he wanted to it to, but finally, he got the dress slacks undone and shoved down around Jim's knees. He kicked them off, trapping Blair with his weight to do so. When he could, Blair maneuvered Jim back onto his side. He couldn't direct their lovemaking trapped underneath the larger man, and although it was obvious that Jim's instinct was to dominate his Guide, it was also clear that he didn't really know what to do with him.

"This feels so good, Jim. You... I just wanna crawl inside you." Blair groaned quietly near Jim's ear, his hands roaming slowly over the powerful body, soothing and inflaming. When he covered Jim's hard cock with his palm through the thin material of his boxers, his Sentinel bucked helplessly into his hand, a harsh sound breaking from his chest as he gasped for air.

"Easy, remember, you're in control of this, we're gonna be okay, you're not gonna zone on me, man, it's just gonna feel so good, Jim, so good..." Blair's hand slipped beneath the elastic waistband, taking his throbbing cock gently in his fist.

"Ahh," Jim cried out at the streak of pure, intense, exhilaration that shot through him, arching his body in a tight curve.

"Shh, I know," Blair pressed himself tightly to Jim's side, stroking the hard, responsive cock in his hand slowly. If felt so right, to hold Jim in his hand and feel every shudder of his breath, hear the quiet groans hissing through his clenched teeth. "Oh yeah, oh God, Chief. Yes," Jim moaned, hanging on to consciousness by a tenuous thread as hot, intense pleasure seized him. Every muscle in his body going tense as he came with a long groan, his hand covering Blair's on his pulsing cock, holding him still as the waves of ecstasy tore through him.

Blair curled himself around Jim's body protectively, waiting to see if Jim would come back to him on his own. He did, opening his eyes slowly to look into his Guide's.

"Blair," He whispered his Guide's name, his voice filled with awe.

"I know. I feel like that, too. I'm so glad you let me... I need you, Blessed Protector."

Blair's soft words broke down every doubt and barrier left in Jim's mind. He shifted on his side to wrap his arms around his almost naked Guide, pulling the smaller man into his embrace. Blair melted against him, the heat of his body still shockingly erotic, even seconds after he'd just come. Blair felt more right in his arms than anyone else ever had. He realized that he was no longer intimidated by the situation, but rather consumed by the overwhelming need to touch him.

Rolling away from Blair, he pulled off the sticky boxer shorts, returning to lean slowly over his Guide. Hooking two fingers under the elastic of Blair's underwear he pulled them down his legs. "Tell me, Blair. What do you need?" His voice was thick with emotion, wanting so badly to return the pleasure Blair had given him.

Blair shook his head, smiling, "Just you," His hands came up to anchor himself on Jim's strong shoulders, rocking slowly against him. "Ah, God you feel good." Blair whispered harshly, pressing his aching cock against the hardness of Jim's muscular hip.

"Mine," Jim growled back, lowering his head to cover his throat and shoulders with small, sharp bites. Blair moaned continuously, writhing in Jim's arms, twisting his head from side to side to give him better access to his skin.

Blair gasped as Jim's mouth moved over his skin, marking him with his teeth, devouring his flesh. The sharp bites didn't hurt at all. Instead, they unleashed inside him a hunger so desperate that all he could do was grind himself against Jim mindlessly, arching his body to offer more of his bare skin for Jim's mouth.

Jim's hands came down on his hips, holding him pressed into the bed. Blair moaned desperately, his eyes flying open to beg Jim silently. Jim's weight came down on top of him, his cock pressing intimately up against his Guide's. Jim groaned, covering Blair's lips to kiss him possessively, his tongue sliding into the hot mouth. It felt even better than Blair's small, tight fist around his cock had, to rub himself slowly against Blair's heavy, stiff erection and watch his face twist in ecstasy.

"Ahh, Jim. Oh yeah, that feels soo good. Harder..." Blair moaned helplessly against his lips, his eyes tightly shut, his body thrusting desperately up against his Sentinel.

"Mine," Jim growled tenderly over his lips, swallowing his Guide's answering moan of pleasure. Although he'd come explosively only a few minutes ago, Jim found himself once again at the brink of orgasm, watching the beauty of Blair writhing in total submission beneath him.

"Yes, yes, oh please..." Blair cried out, his hands digging into the small of Jim's back as his hips bucked beneath him. They came together, tongues thrust deep in each other's mouths, swallowing each other's moans and the violent shudders of their bodies release.

Blair's legs locked tight around him, holding Jim on top of him when he tried to move. "Not yet."

"Can you breath?" Jim gasped, still out of breath himself.

"Nope," Blair grinned against his chest, his lips nuzzling the sweat slicked skin.

"You're a lot lighter, you should be on top," Jim told him humorously, rolling them over without breaking contact with his Guide.

Blair laughed, the sound reverberating against Jim's chest, seeming to go straight through him, "It's a little late to decide that, partner. But I won't argue with you. Next time." Blair stretched out on top of Jim, covering as much of the larger man with his as he could.

"You feel good." Jim told him quietly, wrapping his arms around his Guide. It felt wonderful, perfect, incredible, better than anything should, to have Blair draped over his naked body like a blanket. Jim thought that he could sleep like this, perfectly content.

"Mm, that's awesome, so do you. You're really okay with this?" Blair asked quietly, the first hint of hesitation creeping into his voice.

Jim nodded solemnly, holding the exhausted, relaxed body to him hungrily. "Yeah, I am. It's just you, Chief, you were right... It's because you're the one I need. Don't ever leave me, Sandburg," Jim spoke softly, pulling Blair's head down to press a kiss to his Guide's forehead.

Blair pulled back again to look at him, pleasure and relief in his beautiful eyes, "I won't, you know that. No more secrets, no more guilt, ever. Okay?"

Jim pulled him back down against his chest, hugging him tight. "Deal."

They stayed like that for a long time, until Blair began to drift off to sleep. Sighing, he started to slide off of Jim to lie next to him and laughed when he realized they were very nearly stuck together.

"We need a shower."

Jim wrinkled his sensitive nose in agreement, throwing the covers off of them dramatically. "You're right."

Blair groaned, pushing his face into the muscular chest, "Hmm, I don't wanna get up..."

"Me either, but I want a shower." Jim rolled to a sitting position, his hand caressing his Guide's bare back. "Coming?" He asked softly, lifting his hand when Blair rolled over to squint up at him.

"Yeah. Shower, okay."

Jim grinned, pulling Blair up to sit with his back leaning against Jim's chest.

"Hey, how are your senses? Anything spiking, going hyper?" Blair twisted his head around to look at his Sentinel, curiosity and concern animating his tired features.

"They're fine. Everything feels normal." Jim's arms tightened around Blair's shoulders as he added softly, "Even this."

Blair sighed happily, leaning back against him, "Yeah, I know. I knew it would be like this."

Jim grasped Blair's hand, pulling him to his feet. They took a hot shower and crawled back to bed, Jim wrapping himself around his Guide in the center of the bed.

"I used to think about this," Jim whispered in Blair's ear, gathering him closer against his chest.

"Really?"

"Yeah, just sleeping with you, holding you."

"Oh man, I'm so there," Blair mumbled sleepily, smiling. He took the hand that curled around his waist, dragging Jim's arm further around him.

Blair drifted off to sleep, exhausted and totally content. Jim sighed, letting Blair's steady heartbeat fill his senses. It felt so damn right, to be curled up around his Guide like this, the familiar sound of Blair's breathing in his ear. Blair's head was tucked into his shoulder, his thick mop of curls in Jim's face. Jim smiled, nuzzling his nose into the thick, soft hair. This was exactly where he wanted to be.