RATING: NC-17, J/B, discipline story
SUMMARY: Blair had put his life in danger and Jim spanks him. Blair feels very humiliated...
DISCLAIMER: All Sentinel things belong to PetFly, UPN, Paramount
THANKS to Jayme for the beta-reading
*****
When Jim and Blair reached home that evening, Blair knew he was in big trouble. His Sentinel was very very angry and was about to explode with wrath. The previous afternoon, as they were about to arrest a killer, Blair had put himself into danger as usual. He had followed Jim instead of staying in the truck as the detective had ordered. The killer had fired at him. Thank God Blair had jumped behind some old machine tools in the disused factory and he hadn't been hit. But ever since then Jim had been angry. He had said nothing during the ride and at central booking and that was what made Blair uncomfortable. He would have prefered a good telling off at the station rather than a private one in their loft, because in the station there was always Simon to stop Jim. In the loft, Blair was alone to face Jim's wrath.
I am reacting as if Jim could really hurt me, Blair thought, shocked by his own fear.
Blair sighed lightly. They've been lovers for two months now, and even if he was deeply in love with Jim, he had to admit he was still not accustomed to all his reactions. His lover was different than his best friend.
"So," he began as they sat on the couch "shoot first, big guy!"
Jim stared at him and Blair gasped. The wrath in the other man's blue eyes was perfectly perceptible.
"You think it's a joke, don't you Chief?" Jim asked. "You think it's nothing. Just another day in the life of Blair Sandburg."
"Jim, I jumped behind the machines tools and the bullets didn't touch me. I'm not a fool, I'm perfectly able of taking care of myself. I'm alive, okay?"
"No thanks to you !" Jim yelled. "You could have been killed! This guy has already killed five cops! You think he shot only to stop you? He likes to kill!"
"Jim..."
"When I say to you to stay in the car, you stay in the car!" Jim shouted as he jumped on his feet and began to pace in front of the couch. "When I tell you not to follow me, you don't follow me!"
"Okay, I think I understood. I'm really sorry, Jim. I never intended to get myself hurt. I just wanted to help you." Blair responded standing up and putting his hand on Jim's arm.
"Your best way to help me is to do what I say. I'm the cop. You're the academic. I don't tell you what to do in the U, so don't tell me what to do when I arrest a killer!"
Blair sighed: "I told you I was sorry. What can I do more?" He could have said a billion things about the numerous times he had really helped Jim during an arrest, just by pulling him away from zoning out, but he prefered, for this time, played a low profile. Jim was really angry and Blair was too much tired to want a arguement.
"It's not over, Sandburg," Jim said. "You've were wrong, and you're going to be punished."
Blair burst into laugh. "Are you going to send me in detention, Detective Ellison? Or to order me to write one hundred times 'I've been a naughty boy'?" he asked mischievously.
"Laugh, Sandburg, laugh," Jim replied. "I give you the choice. You can be suspended for one week, which means that you stay away from the station for seven whole days, or you can be spanked."
Blair relaxed. At Jim's first words, he had been anxious. He didn't want to let Jim confront his Sentinel senses alone during an entire week. But Jim was only trying to save face. That's why he had talked about the spanking.
"I choose the spanking," Blair respond teasingly.
"It's not a game, Sandburg," Jim replied, frowning. "You're really going to be spanked."
"I hope so." Blair replied before standing up and hurrying to the kitchen. Last time Jim had told him he was going to spank him, he had slammed his butt one time, they both had burst into laugh, and then they had made love. Blair was in the mood for that kind of game.
"You don't understand, Sandburg" Jim added. "I'm really going to punish you."
"It's okay for me, big guy. Even had fantasies about spanking. Well, I have to admit it wasn't usually with you." He finished drinking his glass of water, then put it on the counter. "So... spank me" he teased his Sentinel.
Jim nodded : "Go upstairs and wait for me only clad in your boxers."
Blair smiled. That was the kind of order he liked. Going upstairs he thought that Jim wanted to make love to him to reasure himself. To feel his Guide alive in his arms. In Jim's bedroom, Blair quickly removed his shoes, socks, pants and tee-shirt.
He didn't have to wait a long time.
Jim entered the bedroom, a wooden paddle in the hand. Blair frowned. So Jim wanted to play rough. Why not? His butt could stand one or two blows with that kind of thing.
Jim sat down on the bed and said: "Lay on my lap."
Blair swallowed nervously. Something was wrong in Jim's behavior. He nevertheless obeyed, kneeling beside Jim on the bed before lowering himself on his lap. He pillowed his face in his arms, waiting.
"I hope you understand why I'm spanking you" Jim said casually.
"I know. I put myself in danger with no real need" Blair answered.
"Right" Jim answered.
Blair suddenly felt Jim's hand on his waistband as the taller man pulled his boxers down. Blair held back a gasp as the blush of shame arose on his cheeks. But he said nothing, swallowing nervously. He felt Jim's left hand on the small of his back just before the paddle hit him for the first time. Blair jumped a little and clenched his jaw under the unexpected pain. Jim had hit him severely. A second blow echoed in the bedroom, then a third. Blair's body tensed under the pain.
Slowly, as the blows continued to hit his buttocks, he understood Jim wasn't joking. He was really spanking him like a naughty child. Blair jumped at each blow. While spanking him, Jim was reprimanding him, telling him to obey to his orders. Blair barely heard. His bottom was on fire and each blow was worse than the previous one. But the humiliation was worse than the physical pain. He couldn't believe he was across his lover's lap, bare-bottom and being spanked.
Feeling close to tears, he bit his lower lip. His whole mind was begging Jim to stop, but his pride prevented him to say it aloud. The blows suddenly ceased.
"Have you learned your lesson, Sandburg?" Jim asked in the sudden silence.
"Yes" Blair replied. To his relief, his voice wasn't shaking. "I understood."
"Good."
He'll never been able to remember how he managed to slide from Jim's lap to the wooden floor. He had never felt so humiliated. Even Naomi had never dare to spank him like that. Keeping his head lowered, he pulled up his boxers.
He heard the door bell ring and Jim muttered something before patting his hair and leaving him alone in the bedroom. He heard Megan's voice in the entrance.
Blair stood up, wincing in pain. His bottom seriously hurt. He walked into his bedroom and put on his socks, a white tee-shirt and a navy blue jogging pants. He didn't know why, but he suddenly needed to be fully dressed.
The tears and the sobs he had repressed during the spanking came back and he found himself on his bed, face burried into his pillow, sobbing helplessly. Before he knew it, he was deeply asleep.
It was a tender stroke on his hair who awoke him up.
"Chief, time for dinner" Jim's voice whispered in his ear.
Blair muttered: "Coming."
Jim left the room and the young man moved to sit down. But this single move made him wince in pain. He then remembered the spanking. Jim's behavior. The humiliation. The awful humiliation. Jim had treated him like a naughty kid. He had spanked him like Blair was a six-years-old boy. He had treated him like a kid. Not like his equal, his lover, not like a man. Just like a baby.
Okay, Blair had done something wrong. He had put himself in danger. But between adults, they could have talk about this. Jim didn't need to spank him.
It was a very angry Blair who came downstairs. Jim was in front of the television, a large pizza and cans of beer in front of him. His eyes never leaving the television screen, he told Blair: "Come here Chief."
Blair obeyed slowly. He was hungry and for the first minutes, he ate quickly, and drank his can of beer without thinking. When his stomach was satisfied, he stretched. He had been obliged to kneel, because of his inflammed buttocks. He was going to have the bruises on them for a few days.
During the ads, Jim moved to take him in his arms, before kissing him. Blair felt stunned. How did he dare? He had spanked him a few hours ago and now he wanted Blair to forget!
For the very first time, Blair pushed back his lover and turned his head away from him.
Jim seemed surprised. "What's the matter, Chief?" he asked with concern.
"What's the matter?" Blair repeated mockingly. "You asked me what's the matter? You spanked me like a kid, and now you want me to... to... to act like a slut! I'm not a slut, Ellison! Perhaps some guys like the dom thing, but not me! You treated me like a kid, and the kid is angry."
"Chief" Jim began, trying to take Blair in his arms again.
"Leave me alone, Ellison! I'm angry, I'm really angry and right now, I don't want to even see you!"
Jim pulled away, hurt by the harsh words.
Blair stood up and went into his own bedroom, slamming the door. Alone he breathed deeply, trying to pull away from the wrath in his mind. He had never thought to his relationship with Jim in these terms. He had never thought that Jim perhaps wanted a Dom/sub relationship. Not in a SM way, but perhaps only in the facts. Jim, taller, stronger, cop, ex Army-Ranger, was the man, and perhaps he saw Blair like his woman. Perhaps he thought he was Blair's natural master.
Blair remembered all the times he had obeyed to Jim without even thinking he could say no.
I don't want a relationship like that, Blair thought. I'm his equal, his partner. If he wants someone to obey to him, he'll have to find someone else.
But at the idea of leaving Jim, his heart became heavy.
The next morning, when Blair woke up, Jim was gone. Blair decided to spend the whole day at the university. He had to think about his relationship with Jim.
The previous evening, Jim had gone to bed without even trying to speak to him. Blair, for the first time in two months, had slept in his own bed. He had to admit he had missed Jim's strong arms around his frame. But he didn't want to be Jim's pet.
He attended a few classes, but was unable to really concentrate. He graded a few papers but when he read them again he saw he had been profoundly unfair with one of his students who's first name was Jim. His own wrath made him laugh. He really acted like a kid! he thought.
At noon, he couldn't help dialing up Simon's phone number.
"Ah, Sandburg," Simon said, "I wanted to speak to you. Yes, he is. Don't worry. Blair... what happened ? Last time I saw him like that, that it was after his divorce. Poor Megan is about to turn into a basket case."
"We had an arguement yesterday about my intervention in the arrest."
"He yelled after you?"
"Something like that," Blair muttered.
There was a silence then Simon exclaimed: "Geez, Sandburg, how can you do that to me? This morning he zoned out three times! Three!! The first two times I spoke to him and he came back quickly. But last time, he was in my office... I spoke to him... shook him... nothing happened! I was really frightened. I almost called you."
"What's happened? Why didn't you call me immediatly? How is he now?" Blair asked alarmed. The pencil he was playing with nearly broke under the young man's fingers pressure.
"I finally succeeded to bring him back to reality. I don't know how. But I managed to forbid him to go into the field today." Simon sighed.
Blair chewed his lower lip. "Prevent him to go into the field this afternoon. I'll be back tomorrow morning."
"Sandburg, your friendship is one thing. But his safety is more important. Even if you hate him right now because he yelled at you yesterday, you have to be present for him. If he gets hurt or worse this afternoon, how will you feel?"
"Simon, you're evil. Okay, I'll come this afternoon." Blair sighed before hanging up. He briefly closed his eyes to pull away the awful vision of Jim lying on the ground in a pool of blood. Simon was right. He didn't have the right to leave Jim.
He more rushed than drove to the station an hour later. He nearly bumped into Jim when he entered the main hall. "Going somewhere, big guy?" Blair asked cheerfully.
The Sentinel looked at him then frowned. "What are you doing here, Sandburg?" he growled.
"I come to be with you" Blair replied with an innocent smile.
Jim didn't answer and walked to his car, followed by Megan and Blair and four other cops. Jim didn't speak one word before they arrived in the suburbs.
"Can someone brief me?" Blair asked.
"The other killer of the gang is located in a warehouse," Megan explained.
When they arrived at the warehouse, Blair frowned. It reminded of him the factory where all has begun yesterday. Jim and the other cops began to fan out. "Megan, you stay here," Jim ordered, "and you cover us."
Jim entered the warehouse with no further comment to Blair. The young man decided to stay wisely near the truck. He thought of Jim's spanking him the previous day. He heard again Jim asking him if he understood the meaning of the spank.
And Blair suddenly understood why Jim had done that to him. Jim did love him! He did love him so much he didn't hesitate to put their relationship in danger for Blair's own good, the young man thought.
The arrest only took a few minutes, while Blair bit his nails, wishing for the very first time of his life he was a smoker, so he could *do* something instead of turning crazy while waiting for Jim. When he heard a shot, he jumped and exclaimed to Megan: "I'm going to see what's wrong!"
"Sandy!" Megan called him back.
But before Blair could have done one more step he saw the killer exiting the warehouse the hands behind his back, Jim keeping him at bay. Jim didn't even look at Blair. He didn't say one word, and left Blair to come back to the station with Megan.
Instead of going back to the station Blair asked Megan to give him a ride to Rainier.
Now Jim will be safe.
When Blair entered the loft in the evening, he smelled an unmistakable scent of chinese food and he drooled over the idea of a chinese meal. Jim was arranging plates on the coffee table in front of the TV set.
They looked at each other without talking. Blair understood that Jim didn't dare to say something. He clearly saw on his lover's face how he feared being rejected.
Blair grinned. "Are we eating chinese this evening, big guy?" he asked.
The young man saw the relief invading his Sentinel's face when he heard the affectionate nickname.
"I remembered you like it. I mean, the chinese food." Jim replied softly.
"Great. I'm going to clean up." Blair walked towards the stairs and saw Jim stretching his arms out to hold him. He could have escaped by walking away, but he chose to respond to Jim's invitation.
"Blair" the Sentinel began seeming to look for the right words, "I would like to apologize. I..."
Then to Blair's great surprise, Jim knelt in front of him. "I'm sorry, Chief" Jim whispered. "Please forgive me."
Blair opened his mouth to speak, but no sounds came out. He was unable to speak. There were too many feelings in his heart to be expressed in one sentence. He couldn't believe Jim, the proud man who never apologized for his mistakes, was right there in front of him, kneeling, waiting to be forgiven.
Blair breathed needed oxygen, then gently patted Jim's silky hair. "Stand up, big guy" he said softly.
"Do you forgive me?" Jim asked in an unusual soft voice.
"Yes. Yes, I forgive you, Jim. Of course. I can't do anything else, I love you to much to allow one damned spanking to come between us. You know, I think we can talk about this, like two adults... please stand up, Jim."
The Sentinel slowly rose on his feet, but kept his head lowered. Blair stared at him and understood that Jim had to be scared of loosing him. Blair would have liked to talk first, to settle the problem, but he was unable to stand Jim's sadness.
"I'm not going to leave you, big guy," he said gently putting his hands on the Sentinel's tensed shoulders, "but I want you to understand that I'm not a naughty kid who needs to be spanked when he does something wrong. We're both adults, and if it bothers you that I always intervene during the arrests, you could have told me without physical violence. I thought you saw me as your equal, Jim, that why this spanking has deeply disturbed me."
"I never intended to humiliate you, Chief" Jim responded softly. "I recognize I've been rude, and I'm really sorry if I hurt you. But please try to understand me. The bullets passed very close to you. A few inches more to the right, and you could have been shot in the head."
Blair swallowed. He hadn't realized the danger had been so close. He had thought that he had avoided the bullets by at least three feet. "It's okay, Jim. We can discuss about that while eating. I'm coming back."
In the bathroom, while Blair splashed his face with cold water, he became conscious that his hands were shaking.
Jim had switched on the TV set and served dinner. Blair sat down on the couch beside him and suddenly grabbed Jim's face between his hands kissing him with a deep, soul-searching kiss. Jim eagerly responded to him, relieved that his lover forgave him.
"Now" Blair panted as he broke their embrace "we can talk!"
They both laughed and began to eat.
"I think we have to discuss our relationship" Blair began. "You know, I love you, I really do love you, but I don't want to be... kinda your woman, do you understand? I'm a guy."
"That's something I noticed" Jim replied teasingly. "I never see you as a woman, Chief. I swear. I don't see you as anything other than my equal."
"So why did you spank me like that?" Blair asked.
"Because I was angry. Angry with you, and perhaps me, angry that you put your life in danger for me. I needed to express this anger physically, but I recognize that perhaps I overreacted."
"You could say that!" Blair exclaimed, tempering his remark by a smile. "I never felt so humiliated. No, that's not true. I have been humiliated at school. But I never expected that the humiliation could come from you. Can you imagine how you would feel if you were pinned on your lover's lap, being spanked without being able to stop it?"
"No I can't" Jim replied honestly. "I'm really sorry, Chief, but..."
He stopped and Blair stared at him: "But..." he encouraged his lover. "But what? We're here to talk about our problem, Jim. So tell me the naked truth."
Jim sighed. He was afraid Blair wouldn't understand him. "To tell the truth, Chief, I spanked you yesterday, and today you stayed near the car as I told you. You didn't rush into the warehouse like a madman who thinks he's invulnerable."
Blair jumped on his feet, appalled at so much insincerity. "You can't say that!" he exclaimed. "I..." Then he stopped. Because Jim was right. He had stayed near the car because he had remembered Jim's spanking, because he had understood it.
"You what, Chief?" Jim asked with a little smile. "You stayed near the car because of what?"
Blair lowered his head, then smiled: "Okay, you win" he admitted. "I stayed near the car because of the spanking." Blair sighed and sat down on the couch, eating mechanically some chinese chicken: "Perhaps you're right, and I'm wrong. Perhaps I needed this spanking. But it's really too humiliating, Jim. Even if it works."
Jim gently took him in his arms, and stroked the riot of curls: "I know that, Chief. That's why I'm sorry. If you have any other suggestions, I'm listening. But I can't let you to put your life in danger like that. I do love you. I don't want to loose you."
Blair smiled and his blue eyes filled with soft light. "I promise I'm going to make an effort. Really."
"And I promise I won't spank you anymore... except if you ask for it!" Jim replied, kissing him.
Three weeks later...
Blair entered the loft with the feeling he was going to have a hard evening. Blair was himself aware that he deserved to be yelled at. Once again, he had run into danger in the candy shop. Jim wasn't really in danger. Blair has just followed him despite the Sentinel's orders. And he had suddenly found himself with a gun pointed at his head and a killer ready to shoot. It had been a miracle the gun had jammed. Jim had punched the killer so hard he had a broken shoulder. He had then grabbed Blair by the collar of this coat. Since then, Blair's mind was working overtime. He knew he had been wrong. He knew he should have obeyed Jim.
"Jim..." he began tentatively. "I know you're angry. I know I did something wrong. I..." Blair swallowed then added, "I think I need to be punished."
The Sentinel looked at him with stunned eyes. He had thought the spanking thing was over. Blair had really made efforts to keep himself away from danger, but this afternoon he had acted like a kid. If Jim would have been the one in charge, he would have taken Blair on his lap and spanked him until his lover's bottom was bright red.
"You deserve to be punished," Jim said, "but I don't want you to be mad at me, or to feel humiliated. The discipline thing is something who must be consensual. I learned my lesson, Chief."
Blair began to pace in the living-room. "It's really weird, you know, cause it reminds me of my youth. Okay, stop laughing, I mean when I was a kid. My mother never spanked me, she always explained to me what I did wrong and how to put it right. The day I broke her favourite lamp, I had to work for the neighbors until I was able to buy her a new one. And I always thought she was really right about that. But now..." He stopped pacing then bit his lower lip: "That's pretty stupid, but when I was a kid, I sometimes thought that I would have prefered to be spanked, then to cry in her arms and to be forgiven. And today that's how I needed to be punished."
"Chief, you're the academic. You can find the answer yourself" Jim told him.
Blair frowned: "What answer?"
"It's about religion, Chief" Jim explained. "Have you even wondered why Catholic people go to confession for some things they could just hide from the priest?"
"Because they think God knows about their faults and they have to be punished for them" Blair replied.
"Exactly. That's what they say. But the truth, Chief, is that they need to be punished. They do what the priest says, saying prayers or doing things for the church. And after that, they feel good, they feel forgiven."
Blair paced again: "So I, someone I always think of as modern, is about to ask you to be spanked because I feel guilty and I feel the need to be punished and forgiven."
"Right." Jim answered.
Blair sighed and sat down on the couch: "I'm turning crazy. I was mad at you a few weeks ago cause you spanked me and now I'm about to ask you to do it again. I'm definitely crazy."
"You're human, Chief" Jim said softly, taking him in his arms and kissing his lover's curls. "Go take a shower, relax, and wait for me in our bedroom. But if you change your mind, tell me. I want this to be consensual, okay?"
"Okay" Blair replied.
Hours later, as Jim was asleep in his arms, Blair's eyes were still open. His bottom was hurting a little but not too much. This time he hadn't felt humiliated. He had removed all his clothes, so Jim hadn't had to pull down his boxers, and he had come willingly to lay on his lover's lap. When the blows had been to painful for him, he had let his tears run on his cheecks, he had let Jim hear his sobs. Jim had stopped the spanking and had taken him in his arms, cuddling him. And Blair had felt good and forgiven.
Later, Jim had let Blair lead their love-making, because of the young man's sore bottom, and they had both enjoyed perhaps more intensely than usual their intimacy.
Jim was totally right, Blair thought in the dark, patting his lover's muscled back.
When he finally fell asleep, he thought how lucky he was to have Jim.