TITLE: THREE LITTLE WORDS 7: IN THE HEARTS OF MEN

AUTHOR: PEJA

FANDOM: the Sentinel

PAIRING: Jim/Rafe Jim/Blair

RATING: R

SUMMARY: Blair shares past secrets

Disclaimers: Not mine, but they like to come and play in my back yard

Archive: To The WWOMB. Others on request, provided all headers are kept intact, and the entire series, found on the WWOMB, is housed together.

URL: http://daltonavon.topcities.com

Feedback: The series only survives as long as there is a call for more. Any ideas on direction are gratefully considered.

Email: daltonavon@yahoo.com

Rafe's dark glance skimmed the room as he stepped inside, zeroing in on Blair who stood staring sightlessly out the window, one hand pressed against the glass.

"It gets dark sudden here, doesn't it?"

Blair didn't blink an eye

"Just sort of drops down like a thick blanket. You'd miss the change if ya blinked."

Blair remained silent and unapproachable.

"Gonna play deaf and dumb, huh?" Rafe shrugged. "Well, that's your choice. I thought you might be hungry by now. Seeing as how ya skipped lunch?" The sweet familiar scent of jasmine tea wafted in the air behind him as he strode to the far table and set down the tray . "Have some of that herbal tea stuff ya like so well, too."

Blair continued to stare outside.

The silence hung thick and oppressive in the air between them.

"So, how about it, want some tea? Maybe a sandwich?" He scowled at the other man's silent back. "Come on, Blair. You haven't eaten anything all day I know you have to be starving."

Sighing, Blair's hand dropped listlessly against his side.

Taking that as a chink in the wall Blair had built between them, Rafe coaxed, "Jim said you liked this jasmine tea? Herbal crap if you ask me, but it smells...nice. Why don't you come drink it before it gets cold."

Blair dropped his forehead against the chill windowpane. "This was supposed to be my wedding night." His voice was a hollow, defeated thing, frightening in its intensity.

Rafe swallowed the anger building up in him. "Yeah."

"Nick," Blair murmured. "He never deserved what I've done to him, leaving him at the alter like this."

Not knowing what response would smooth the despair in Blair's voice, Rafe gathered the protection of silence around him.

"I remember the first time we met," Blair gave a soft, rueful chuckle. "It was about a week after I'd taken over the escort service. The night after I took my first....date. The john had gotten a bit freaked when the little soldier didn't stand up and salute him. He started pounding on me to get his money's worth, he said."

Rafe held his tongue, absorbing to the pain he'd been part of bringing this fragile young man. Letting Blair have his say.

"Well, Uncle Jack didn't take well to having to pick me up off the floor all bloody and nasty. He summoned Nick over for lunch the next day. The old man covered by saying he wanted to curry some favor or other from him. He had called me over for some sillines or other. I don't remember what."

Rafe lowered himself into a chair, staring wordlessly at the man.

"I guess I was kind of into myself around that time. Hurting from....well, you know. I didn't notice Nick much at all....at first. Didn't pay attention to the business they were talking, either." Another soft chuckle. "Until about halfway through the main course. Here I am, sucking on a crab leg and he sort of moans out loud. I thought he was .....Well, I don't know what I thought. Just looked over at him and got lost in those green eyes burning over me. I never had a guy get turned on just watching me eat before."

Lust burned in Rafe's eyes, igniiting a warm flush in Blair's high cheekbones. " Least I don't think so, anyway."

A slow smile pulled at the corner of Rafe's lips. "You'd be surprised, Blair."

Blair returned the soft smile, his lashes whispering low to hide expressive eyes. "The look in his eyes," he began again. "Rafe, I have never had anyone look at me like that. Like I was something he had to have or he'd die from wanting." His gaze lifted, locked. "It was a.....nice feeling after being with Jim. To know someone ached for wanting me. Someone who wasn't afraid to let me see it."

"Jim wanted you, Blair. He...."

"If you say so." Blair shrugged. "Too bad he never let me see it. Never sat through a meal watching me watching him. That night was magic. Uncle Jack must have left sometime during the meal, but neither one of us could have ever said when. There was no one else in the world but us."

He loves that bastard, Rafe realized suddenly. He honest to god loves the bastard. Oh Crap, what have we done?

"After dinner, he suggested a walk in the garden. Man, I ran hot and cold at the same time. See, Uncle Jack had mentioned my....date over drinks and I knew Nick had heard. He knew what I was doing. The escort service...Fuck, isn't that a nice way to say whore house? Escort service, it makes it sound so dam legit." Blair wrapped his arms around his waist, hugging himself. "I thought...I thought he wanted to get me outside in a dark corner and throw me down on the ground and...." Blair's voice broke.

"Jesus, Blair...."

Blair sook his head. "I guss that was the bottom, man. I remember crashing to am all time low, but I went with him like the good little whore. God, I was shaking so hard by the time we'd wandered half way round and were into the secluded spots. When Nick slipped his fnfers through mine, I jumped so bad I thought I'd left the atmosphere. Nick kind of chuckled and asked me if I was scared of him.

********

"Scared?" Blair felt his skin heat up and ducked his head. "I'm kind of new to this, Nick," he admitted.

Nick stared down on the dark curls a long moment. "Its pretty out here at night. The stars seem alive, don't you think?"

Blair's head lifted, confusion darkening his eyes to lavender. "Ah....Yeah. Like they know the secrets of the Universe and are laughing at us." he whispered.

Nick lead Blair along the winding path. "Your uncle has put a lot of money into this garden. Its nice. The flowers and stuff. Takes the stink of the city right out of the air."

They continued wandering the meandering path and chatted about nonsensical things. Blair relaxed in the taller man's company. His chuckles came more often, more easily and when Nick released his hand and wrapped an arm around his shoulders Blair relaxed against his hard side.

Another leisurely stroll around the garden found him completely at his ease.

"Nick?" He asked suddenly.

"Hm?"

"If you brought me out here to...you know....Well, it's okay."

Nick turned to him, lying a silencing finger over trembling lips. "I'm not looking for a quick fuck, Blair."

Blair couldn't hide his relief. It glowed in his eyes.

That seductive half-smile curved Nick's lips. "You're so beautiful." His knuckles whispered over the dark bruise on Blair's left cheek. "That bastard needs to get back his own." He lowered his head. "I want to kiss you, Blair," he whispered and waited a moment, giving Blair time to resist.

Whimpering softly, Blair rose on his tip toes, closing the distance between them. Nick sighed at the first testing contact. He hummed a murmur of approval as Blair returned for a second, more forceful kiss. His fingers buried themselves in dark curls. Blair's lips parted and his tongue darted out to invite him in.

Nick broke the kiss, smiling. "Damn.....Okay, beautiful. I'm convinced. I'll take the job."

Blair stiffened and backstepped away from the bigger man. Hurt confusion flickered in fragile eyes. "Job?"

Nick's narrowed gaze searched Blair's face "Damn, oh, baby, I thought you knew. I'm a professional body guard. Your uncle asked me to hire on as your protection after last night's mess."

"You....You're one of his muscle?"

Nick shook his head, chuckling. "Oh no way, Beautiful. I'm legit. A licensed bodyguard. Not like yo....." He snapped his teeth, shaking his head. "I didn't mean you were a criminal, Beautiful. I....ah, crap, I'm making a mess of this, aren't I?"

Wide-eyed, Blair nodded. "It's all right. I know what I've become." He turned to the flowering bush, plucking a delicae blossom. "More than anyone else., I know."

Nick's fingers curled around Blair's forearms leaning him against his chest. "Don't you bad mouth the man I intend to fall in love with." he quipped.

"Don't tease me like that." Blair rasped.

"Not teasing, Beautiful." He murmured, nuzzling Blair's neck. "I think I swallowed my heart while we were eating. Our walk here cemented the feeling."

"You talk crap, Nick Mundy," Blair protested, but he tilted his head so Nick could continue his teasing assault.

*******

Silence closed down around them like a shroud as Blair ran out of words.

"I'm sorry, Blair." Rafe murmured. "Sorry for you. And for him. But there's nothing left to do for it."

"You could send me back to him." Blair tried, his voice lost and without hope.

Rafe shook his head. "It's just not gonna happen, Blair."

"Why are you doing this? Nick is a good man. He would have been a good lifemate to me. He knew how to give me what I needed. I would have been....content."

"Nick would have been a slide." Rafe told him harshly. "I may not like the guy, but he deserves more than you could ever give him."

"Fuck you, Rafe. What do you know about it anyway?"

"I know enough. Now stop being a brat and come over here and eat this...this..."

Blair threw a disgusted glare over his shoulder.

The suave detective shrugged. "I was gonna bring you a plate from the meal Jim put together. He's a fabulous cook, you know? Well, of course you know, don't you? You had plenty of time to find out about all that sort of thing, living together like you did for three years. " Rafe ran down, picking up slightly. "Anyway, I thought you might be sleeping.. Thought I'd be better off putting together a cold snack."

Seething fire, Blair swung around, his haunted gaze trapping Rafe's gentle stare. Accusing him. "I don't want any damn food. I want to go back to Cascade. Back to Nick."

"You know if I thought letting you wallow in this empty fortress you call an escort service was best for you I would take you back, but I'm convinced you're just biding your time waiting to die there. In the car, you said you just wanted to survive, not live, survive one more day. That's not living, Blair. I can't in good conscience take you back to that kind of existance."

"It's not your decision to make."

Rafe tilted his head side-ways, studying the younger man. "You mean to tell me you'd rather be fucking every Tom, Dick and Harry when you could be back in that big guy's arms out there? When you can be loved instead of used? How can you knowingly refuse what Jim wants to get back with you? How can you have left his warm bed for the cold fuck of a whore's bed?"

The fire went out of Blair as quickly as it had blazed to life. "Can't miss what ya never had."

Rafe frowned. "Never....had....?"

Blair's gaze stabbed him. "I never slept with Jim, Rafe." he whispered. "I never did any man before I...." He shrugged one lazy shoulder.

"Never?"

Blair tossed him a crooked smile. "Nope."

"Nothing?"

A soft breathy sigh parted Blair's lips. "Not even a kiss."

"But then.... why...?

Blair turned back to stare out the window for several heartbeats. "I figured Jim would never look for me in any man's bed. Not thinking I was straight." he said finally, his laugh bitter. "Then again, I thought I was straight until...." He choked on his confession, shaking his head. "Damn. Fuck, what does it matter?"

"What does it matter?" Rafe said softly, then repeated it with fury "What does it matter? What the hell do you mean, what does it matter? You're a cheat. You're a god damn fucking cheat."

Blair winced under the other man's rage.

"Do you know what the gift of being your first would have been for.....And you gave your virgin ass to a fucking john? What the hell..."

Blair's defeated smile returned. "Now you're getting it, huh, Rafe?" he murmured, his voice hollow, dead. "Come on, be a pal, man. Take me back to where I belong."

Rafe hesitated, torn between the surging rage burning in his gut and the brush of compassion for the tormented man before him. "No," he said at length. "No, it's going to be all right. You'll see."

"All right?" Pure horror furrowed across Blair's wane face. "All right? How will it be all right? Dammit, Rafe, I don't know how much longer I can fight him. I don't know if I can get through another gentle loving assault and not crumble."

"Would that be so bad?"

"The loving? No, that would be heaven. I've wanted him for so damn long."

"Well, then..."

"Its what comes after. When he realizes I can't live up to his expectations. When I fail to be what he needs me to be. When....." Blair's entire body trembled. "I don't think I could live through the hell I'd have coming once his lust is sated. Once he's used me up just like those johns you look down your nose at and he doesn't want me anymore. I'll die when he tosses my whoring ass out on the street. I don't even expect I'd get a warning, just one last fuck if I'm lucky then he'll roll off and shove my jeans at me and tell me to get the hell out." Blair's face was translucent in his pain. "I can't live through that rejection. I can't."

Rafe studied the other man for signs of deceit and found only a chill of absolute terror. "Are you going to pass out, Blair?"

Shaking his head, Blair turned away again. "Cold. Just... so damn... cold."

"Blair, you can't keep running away from this. You do realize that, don't you? You have to face your feelings. Take the risk."

Blair whirled onj him, his hands clentched at his sides. "ANd if I don't?"

"Guess that's your chice." Rafe lifed the chilled tea cup and sniffed. A delicate shudder rippled through him and he set it back down. "Jim has enough on you to keep you around one way or another. Either way, Nick's history."

Blair glared at him a long moment, then lowering his lashes, he drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. and another. "Okay," he said softly, leaning his hips against the windowsill, his legs splayed. A slow smile sizzled in the air between them and he slanted a blue-violet come-hither galnce at Rafe, making the otehr man choke on his own air. m "What is it with you, Rafe?" Blair purred. "Why is it so damn mporant to you what happens between Ellison and me?" He pushed off he ledge, stalking the oher man with seductive grace. "Or is it Ellison your worried about?" His smile was pure sex as his tongue darted out to wet his lips. "Maybe you've got a hunger for the taste of my package yourself. " He cupped his cock suggestively through the dark jeans. "Wanna see?" He asked, closing the last small distance between them. The hand that had been craddling his cock curled around Rafe's neck and he tugged the taller man's head down to a breath away. "Wanna fuck me?"

"Jesus..." Rafe ripped himself out of the hypnotic spell Blair had woven, and back-peddled away from the confining grasp. "You really are some kind of bastard, Sandburg."

Blair shrugged, chuckling.. "You didn't like it?"

"You...." Rafe stabbed the air in the direction of the table. "Sit your as down and drink that tea while I'm still feeling some some sympathy toward you."

Blair's teeth flashed in a tight grimace. "I don't want your fucking pity," Blair spat out. "And I don't want your fucking tea."

Rafe took a menacing step toward the smaller man. "Do you want me to have Jm help me get it down you?"

All the bluster cascaded out of Blair's body and he seemed to shrink in on himself. "All rght." He snagged the cup and slamed the tepid brew. rimacing against the cold drink, he set the cup back with a crash, shattering the fragile porcline. "Satisfied daddy?"

Rafe grabbed his hand and inspected it for cuts. Finding none, he dropped the other man's hand and flung it away like it was too hot to keep. "Now strip down to your fucking shorts and get some sleep."

Blair opened his mouth to protest but thought better of it. Instead he toed off his sneakers, undid his jeans and let them drop.

Rafe's eyes dropped to the sleepy groin. In all its naked glory."

Grinning his spit, Blair gave himself a leisurly scratch. "Sorry, man. I don't wear shorts."

Rafe's hand shook as he pointed to the bed. "Sleep..."

Blair sauntered tothe bed, tossing his shirt aside as he went and slithered onto the top cover. He lifted his most seductive smile at the other man. "Sure you don't want to join me?" he asked, his head drifting down to pillow on his arm, his lids beginning to slid closed.

Rafe shook his head. "Not yet, Blair."

Blair forced his eyes half open. "You....drugged me...didn't ya?" he slurred.

Rafe walked over to the listless man, folding the light cver over him. "You need to sleep, Sandburg."

His whisper was drowned out by a soft whimpering snore.