Author/ pseudonym: Morgana.

Title; Too late?

Fandom: The Sentinel.

Pairngs: Blair/ Jim.

Rating: NC-17 for explicit sexual content or violence.

Status: Finished.

Archive: Yes, just drop me a note telling me where you're archiving it.

E-mail address for feedback: morgana@avalon.cobweb.nl

Series/Sequel: First story, no ordinay love is the sequel.

My website: http://www.avalon.cobweb.nl

Disclaimer: The Sentinel is a creation by Danny Bilson and Paul DeMeo and belongs to Paramount Pictures, Pet Fly Productions & UPN.

Summary; after his near-death experience, Blair discovers his shaman powers.

Warning: This story is definitely Alternate Universe!

Spoilers; this story takes place after Sentinel too, part 2.

Notes: //… // depicts thoughts. Episode related; Sentinel too.

"Jim, I'm not coming back to the loft," Blair says resolved. During the flight back to Cascade he had enough time to make up his mind. It's going to end here. He needs to regain an emotional distance to protect himself from getting hurt even more. He really needs to find out what he lost when Alex drowned him in that fountain.

"What? Chief?" Jim's expression shows shocked surprise and sheer disbelief. He never expected Blair to make that particular decision and then tell him so casually. Briefly speechless, he locks eyes with Blair, silently asking for an explanation.

"I can't go back there, man," Blair starts, ignoring Simon and Megan's puzzled glances. "I'll just go back to my hotel room."

"Sandy?" Megan isn't sure what to say, but she can't remain quiet. Yes, these last few days were hard on them, all of them, but this announcement is unexpected. "Why would you want to do that?" Ever since she arrived in Cascade she sensed the close connection between the two men and she often wondered about the depth of the feelings involved. After finding out that Jim's a Sentinel she understands part of the relationship of Guide and Sentinel, but there's so much more to them!

"Jim packed my stuff, Megan. I was staying at a hotel anyway." Blair takes a deep breath. No, no one is going to change his mind. He needs time to work through all the things that happened to him since Alex Barnes entered his life. Sierra Verde was a roller coaster ride and he hasn't recovered from all events yet. He needs the time; needs to look inside his soul.

"I'm sorry about that, chief," Jim apologizes sincerely. "But I was only trying to make sure nothing bad happened to you." He feels bad for failing his Guide, knows he should have prevented Blair's death. If only he had been courageous enough to let his friend in! But he failed. Incapable of trusting his best friend he signed his death sentence, leaving the way open for Alex to move in for the kill. //And she killed him…!//

The sudden realization hits hard. Alex killed Blair. //And we didn't even discuss it.//He knows why he can't address it yet. His cowardice keeps him back. He screwed up, screwed up big time and Blair paid the prize.

Blair nods his head, seeing the expression on Jim's face. No surprise there. Jim is keeping it all to himself, not allowing him in. That's one reason why he has to go, one reason why he has to maintain the coerced distance between them. Jim must make the first step and all he can do is wait. "I know you're sorry, Jim, but there's no going back." Both past and present are filled with pain and he can't go back to the way things were before. Something changed.

"Chief, the loft is your home too." Jim cringes mentally. //Was his home. I took that away from him,// he realizes, reading the truth in Blair's eyes. //Damn!//

Blair shakes his head. "I'll be around at the station," he promises. "Don't worry, Jim. I'll be there when you need me." But the unspoken truth circles in his mind. //You don't need me any longer, big guy.// He doesn't know exactly what happened at the temple, but his instincts tell him that they've reached a point where they need to go their own way.

Jim's mouth goes dry. The resolve in Blair's eyes is hard, unwavering. "Damnit, Chief! I don't want you to take off that like! I shouldn't have kicked you out of the loft, but…" his voice falters as Blair locks eyes with him.

"No, Jim. Don't go there." He grabs his backpack, ready to get a cab and head for the hotel. He needs undisturbed sleep, needs to think.

"Sandburg?" Simon finally takes charge of the situation, unsure what's really happening underneath the surface of the conversation. "You can stay at my place. I've got a spare room," he offers, carefully choosing his words. If he's reading Blair correctly the young man will decline any direct orders. Better to offer the room to him so Blair can make the decision.

Blair blinks his eyes. "You're sure? I'm terribly messy, ask Jim." This offer is unexpected, but he's tempted to accept. He doesn't really want to spend the next days in a hotel and he needs a friend.

Simon waves the comment away. "Let's get our things."

Paralysed, Jim listens to the conversation. This can't be happening! Blair can't leave him like this! Sure, he made a mistake by not confiding in Blair about the vision in which he killed his Guide, but Sandburg is overreacting! "Come on, Chief! You don't want to stay with Simon!" Unexpectedly, he feels Megan's hand on his shoulder and he turns to look at her.

"Give him time, Jim. He just died and then realized that Alex and you were attracted to each other. Don't you understand that he needs time?"

"No, I don't," Jim whispers upset, watching Simon and Blair retrieve their luggage. //I never thought he would ever leave me! That he could leave me!// he realizes stunned.

Megan sighs deeply. She agrees with Blair's decision, seeing the hurt in his eyes whenever he looks at Jim. //But Jim is blind… doesn't see the love in Sandy's eyes.// Somehow that hurts. "You heard his promise. He'll be there when you need him."

"I can't believe this!" Jim exclaims in repressed anger as Simon walks up to him. Blair however is already heading for the exit. "What the hell is going on in that head of his?" Why is Blair acting like this? He used his animal spirit to bring his Guide back and then fought Alex Barnes! It doesn't matter from which angle he looks at this; it doesn’t make sense!

"I will keep my eye on him, Jim," Simon says reassuringly and squeezes his detective's shoulder. "He's been through a lot, Jim."

//Everybody keeps saying that!// Jim muses upset. //But he's alive, the nerve gas is safe and Alex can't hurt him any longer!// He fixed everything, so why does need Blair time? Blair was just fine when he visited his friend in the hospital after bringing him back.

Waiting near the exit Blair shuffles his feet. He really doesn't want to do this, but doesn't have a choice. For the last three years he put Jim's needs first. He can no longer do that. First, Jim tells him to pack his things, kicking him out and a few days later he sees Alex and Jim kissing on the beach. //Wonder if they would have gone all the way if I hadn't shown up,// he muses saddened.

It pains him that Jim chose Alex and not him, but he has to respect that decision. However, it does mean that he has to move on. Oh yes, he plans on riding along with the Sentinel, be there during stake-outs or when there is a chance Jim might zone, but he needs to start thinking about his own needs too. He neglected them these last three years, during which he kept hoping that Jim might feel attracted to him as well. //Not going to happen.//

"Ready to go, Sandburg?" Worried, Simon eyes him closely. Damn, kid doesn't look too good. "Did you check yourself out of that hospital or did they actually release you?" he suddenly wonders. Isn't it strange that they would sign Blair's papers only one day after being brought back from the dead?

Blair avoids answering him and ducks into the cab that just pulled up. Simon joins him on the back seat and Blair wonders if there's still a way out of answering the question.

"I'm waiting, Sandburg," Simon reminds him, forcing himself to remain calm. Yelling at the kid won't get him anywhere.

"I'm okay, Simon," he says evasively. No need to tell Banks that he sneaked out of the hospital, telling Megan his doctor released him. At that point he still hoped that Jim would need him, would listen to him, would see the truth. //A blind Sentinel,// he sighs privately. //Not now,// he chides himself. He can't think of this now.

"So, why don't you want to go back to the loft, Sandburg?" Simon inquires after giving the cab driver his instructions. Blair's decision surprised him. "Jim…"

"Simon? Give me a break?" Blair fights to keep the angry tone out of his voice. "I'm tired and edgy." Hey, how did that slip out?

"Yes, I imagine you're still upset. Dying can do that to a man." Simon watches him closely, noticing the twitch near the right corner of Blair's mouth. //Kid will have to talk about this. Didn't they discuss it?// That strikes him as odd. Jim seems the most logical choice for Blair to talk to about his near death experience, but something is keeping Blair back. What is it?

Stubbornly, Blair stares out of the window. He doesn't want to think about Jim. It hurts too much!

"All right, kid. We'll give you all the time you need," Simon whispers barely audible.

***

Sitting on the couch in his living room Jim can hardly remember driving home. For some reason he had been convinced that Blair would be at his side again, roaming the kitchen, surfing the net and leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor. But he's alone now.

Jim swallows his beer and stares at the TV screen. There's a game on, but he can't focus on the players. He's still angry with Blair for walking out on him like that.

"And he's supposed to be my Guide?" he sneers in a pained tone. "Damn! I even brought him back!" Why is he this angry?

Because Blair upset his plans? He planned on explaining to Blair why he packed his stuff and asked him to leave, but now the words have to remain unspoken. Telling Blair to leave was the last thing he wanted, but he couldn't endanger his Guide by telling Blair about his vision. Pushing him away was the only way he knew to keep him safe.

//Hoped that he would be safe if I wasn't around. Man, was I wrong!// Alex only got a chance to kill Blair because he'd kicked his friend out!

The nature of his anger changes and he aims it at himself. Why can't he trust people?

//Because they leave or die…// Trusting people has never been easy, growing up in the Ellison household ensured that. His relationship with his dad and brother is still difficult and he doesn't even want to think about his mother.

//But I trust Blair! So why didn't I tell him about that vision? Why didn't I tell him that I was afraid I was going to kill him?// Because he's a coward, that's why! It's easier to push people away when you fear for their lives. And Blair… Blair has quickly become the most important thing in his life.

More important than his work? Yes. More important than his own life? "Fuck yes!" Agitated, he gets to his feet and paces the living room, but suddenly he freezes. Damn… no heartbeat. Instinctively, he wants to dial up his sense of hearing, but he knows it's futile. Blair isn't even close!

How he misses that heartbeat! The sound of Blair's voice… the little noises Blair makes while chewing a pencil when he's surfing the net…

His hands clench into fists. Damn! The man's only been gone for a few hours and he already feels like a caged tiger… "Jaguar," he corrects himself chidingly.

Slowly, he makes his way to Blair's old room and realizes that his Guide still needs to pick up a few boxes. Almost reverently, he makes his way over to them, opens one box and releases a deep sigh. His fingers curl in the flannel shirt and he brings it closer to his nose, inhaling the craved scent.

Suddenly, he drops it, pulling back like the fabric burned his fingers. What the hell is he doing sniffing Blair's clothes?

He turns around and slams the door hard. Blair made the decision to walk out on him and he needs to readjust his life. He will find a way to live without having his best friend close.

***

"Thanks, Simon." Blair smiles weakly, as he takes in his temporary quarters. "Looks great." It even has its own bathroom. "I appreciate it."

After removing his glasses Simon rubs the bridge of his nose and shakes his head. "I don't know why you don't want to go back to the loft, but… I respect that. Just try and get some sleep, kid." He noticed that Blair didn't sleep much during their nights in Sierra Verde. First in the church and then he heard the younger man pacing his room in the hotel. It's almost like Sandburg is afraid to go to sleep. //Well, don't know how I would feel about going to sleep after been dead. Maybe it feels the same.//

"I'll try, Simon,' Blair promises sincerely, wondering if the captain is on to him. As he closes the door he looks up apologetically. He doesn't want to talk right now. What he wants is a hot shower and then to sit down to write in his journal, which he neglected these last few days. And maybe then, just maybe, he will try to sleep.

Simon stares at the closed door, knowing something is wrong, but he can't name the feeling. //Must have something to do with that near death experience. Going through something like that would change anyone.//

Checking the time he wonders if he should drive down to the PD to find out what happened during his absence. In the end, he decides against it. They aren't expecting him until tomorrow and he could use a good night's sleep as well. As he heads for his bedroom he looks back over his shoulder, wondering what the hell is going on in Blair Sandburg's mind.

***

Exhausted, he drops onto the bed and shivers. He's finally alone now and can stop pretending he's fine. Closing his eyes he remembers the look on Jim's face when he announced he wasn't going back home with him. That had been hard, but necessary.

//Can't walk in there right now, knowing Jim doesn't really want me around. He packed my stuff and told me to be gone when he got back.//

He rubs his eyes and lies down on his back, refusing to open them to stare at the ceiling. This darkness is more comforting. How did he end up in his mess? When did things go wrong?

He allows his thoughts to drift back, mentally reviewing this last week. It went wrong when Alex showed up. He regrets ever addressing her, ever trying to find out whether she was a Sentinel or not. Jim is right. He got them into this mess by hiding the fact that there was a second Sentinel. If only he had told Jim. But he hadn't.

//And now I'm paying the prize.// But, and this soothes him, Jim is safe. Safe at the loft. And isn't that all that counts? Isn't it his job as a Guide to watch over his Sentinel?

"Guide…" he mutters, voice filled with loathing. "I can't guide him." Another thought stings. Jim had all these visions. Even Incacha appeared to him, telling Jim how to bring him back from the dead. "Am I not supposed to be the Shaman? Yeah right. I'll never be one!"

During his time with Jim as his Guide he always hoped that he would discover things about himself. Hadn't Incacha passed the way of the Shaman onto him? If that was true, why didn't he feel it? He had done some reading on Shamanism, but he never felt anything that came close to the experiences of Shamans he had read about on the net.

He feels like a fraud. Yes, he was a Guide, but what is he now? He desperately needs the answer to that question. Sitting up, he pulls the journal from his backpack and starts writing.

Saturday, August 12th.

I did it. I told Jim I wasn't going back to the loft. Honestly, I don't think he expected that. He looked like he'd been run over by a truck. It's unbelievable, but after all these years he still hasn't figured it out. I mean, even Megan knows! I can see it in her eyes when she looks at Jim and me. So, why can't Jim see that I am in love with him? Maybe he knows and is determined not to acknowledge it?

Doesn't matter anymore. I made my decision and walked away from him. I never thought I would have the courage to actually do that, but Alex opened my eyes. Let's face it, Jim doesn't need me and certainly doesn't want me close.

After I regained consciousness in the hospital I felt hopeful. If Jim had given me the tiniest chance I would have told him the truth… that I've been in love with him for three years.

But I can never tell him. Not after Alex. It doesn't matter why he wanted her, whether it was a primitive sexual urge or something else. He wanted the woman who killed me. I still can't believe how easily he forgot what she did to me.

Did Jim kick me out of the loft because he had feelings for her right from the start? Okay, he didn't know I was studying a second Sentinel, but maybe his subconscious was clearing the way so they could be together.

I still see them kissing on the beach and yes, I know that they would have taken it further if I hadn't shown up.

Damn, I need to stop whining about this and get my life back on track. But it's hard. For the first time in my life I felt like I'd found a home, a real home. With Jim there was stability, certainty and now I have to start all over again on my own.

I hate being alone and… I'm scared to go to sleep. I'm scared that the nightmares will be back the moment I close my eyes.

Blair closes the journal, feeling depressed and lonely. Normally, he would be watching a game with Jim, having a beer and talk about the day's events. Now, he's sitting here in a strange room, hugging his journal.

Maybe refusing to return to the loft was stupid. At least that way he could have been close to Jim, but that's no longer enough. He wants commitment, wants the man as his lover and now that it's become clear that he can't have Jim Ellison he has to move on. It's as simple as that… so why does it still hurt?

Not bothering to undress he slips underneath the covers, feeling cold to the bone. "Can't close my eyes. Can’t go to sleep," he whispers, repeating the words over and over again.

"Can't go to sleep." The dreams are already waiting for him. He will relive seeing Alex walk into his room, knocking him unconscious. He never realized she dragged him in to the fountain until the paramedics told him what happened.

"She tried to drown me," he whispers, then corrects himself. "No, she drowned me" The paramedics told him that he had been clinically dead for at least 6 minutes and the doctor had obviously been relieved to see that the lack of oxygen hadn't affected his brain.

"And yet he brought me back… why?" Yes, why had Jim brought him back? Saddened, he curls up into a tight ball. Jim and Simon went to Sierra Verde without him and only Megan's curiosity gave him a chance to join the two men there.

"It hurts," he whispers saddened. Jim abandoned him and that hurts. "I betrayed his trust? What about him?" he wonders aloud. "I didn't try to kill Alex! She killed me and he still wanted her!" It's the core of his sadness, even anger. He feels betrayed.

"Don't want to sleep," he whispers the words like a mantra but loses the fight. His body is exhausted and demands he rests. As his eyes drop shut he buries his fingernails in the covers, desperately imagining it's Jim's shirt. Hoping desperately that it's Jim who's holding him, telling him that everything will all right. That the Sentinel will watch over him during the night, but the rational part of his brain sees the lies and despairs.

***

"What the hell?" Blair mumbles shocked and looks at his surroundings. "Not again!" He's back in the jungle and he almost expects a black jaguar to come running at him. But nothing happens. In the distance birds sing their songs and monkeys scream as they move through the trees. The sun is suffocating.

"Okay…" Swallowing hard, he gives into the heat and takes off his sweater. "So does this mean that I'm dead again?" he wonders aloud. He shields his eyes with his hand and explores the trail in front of him.

Suddenly, he sees smoke to his left, probably from a campfire and he decides to check on it. //Hey, look at the bright side. If I'm dead no one can harm me!//

He pushes some branches aside and walks on to a clearing. With a start he recognizes the lone figure sitting close to the fire. "Incacha?" he whispers in disbelief. "Guess you got lost in the wrong dreams," he says discouraged. "I'm not Jim."

The eyes open and stare at him from behind the red paint, making Blair feel distinctly uncomfortable. "Uh," he starts nervously. "Better be heading back."

"Sit."

Incacha's voice takes him by surprise and he halts in his tracks. Surprised, he looks over his shoulder. "Who? Me?" Is it his imagination or is Incacha grinning? //And why do I feel like I'm in big trouble?//

"Sit," Incacha repeats and gestures him to take a place next to him near the fire.

"You sure it's me you want to talk to?" Blair objects. "And not Jim?"

"Sit with me, Guide," Incacha orders in a firm tone.

Sighing, Blair gives in and gingerly he sits down cross-legged. The fire emanates a pleasant warmth and he extends his hands to warm them.

"It took you a long time to decide what path to take."

Blair peeks at Incacha's eyes. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I don’t want to be disrespectful here, but…" he babbles, but Incacha's amused glance silences him.

"Don't talk. Listen."

"Listen? Hey, I'm not a Sentinel, I don't hear…" His voice trails off as Incacha chants quietly. His mind tells him it's Chopec. He doesn't know the words, so why do they feel familiar? The chant grows louder and it almost feels like another voice joined Incacha's, but as he looks around he realizes that they are still alone. This is seriously weird.

Sounds coming from a bush nearby alarm him and he almost leaps to his feet. A large grey form appears and slowly approaches him. //It's the wolf from my vision,// the vision he shared with Jim. This is the wolf that jumped towards the black jaguar, creating a big bang of light.

Uncertain of how to react he simply observes the canine that now lies down at his feet, which is watching him intently in return. Briefly, his vision melts with the wolf's and he finds himself looking at the two men near the fireplace.

"You're my spirit guide," Blair whispers and hesitantly raises a hand, wondering if he can touch the wolf. The canine allows it and growls deeply in its throat as a gentle hand pats his head.

The chanting is inside his head now and he can't help it. His lips start to move. He doesn't know the words, doesn't know the language, but he finds himself chanting in the same tone and rhythm as Incacha.

***

A low mumbling wakes Simon in the midst of the night. He's a light sleeper, he's always been and the cop in him urges him to check on it. Dressed in shirt and boxers he reaches for his gun and sneaks through the corridor. Suddenly, he realizes that the mumbling is coming from the guest room. "Sandburg." He puts down the gun.

Should he knock? But what if the kid is having a nightmare and won’t let him in? Can he take that risk? Determinedly, he pushes the door ajar.

Kid's still dressed, tossing and turning on the bed. He tries to make sense of the whispered words, but quickly realizes it's an alien language.

Fascinated, he watches as Blair's eyes open, staring at the ceiling and the mumbling dies. Instead, Sandburg starts to chant softly. It sounds like the same language, but he isn't sure. It's an entrancing chant and he feels drawn closer. Better wake the kid up before this turns into a vivid nightmare!

"Sandburg!" he says resolved and approaches the bed, but the younger man doesn't seem to hear him and continues to chant. Carefully, he shakes Blair's shoulders. "Sandburg, wake up!"

"No!" The scream leaves his lips and wild eyed he stares at Simon, who is hovering over him.

"Looks like you had a nightmare, kid," Simon offers apologetically. "You were… talking in your sleep."

At first Blair feels confused. He wasn't ready to leave Incacha's presence, but Simon's voice ripped him away from the spirit plane. "I'm okay, Simon," he reassures his friend as he runs a hand through his tangled hair. "It wasn't a nightmare."

"Glad to hear that," Simon whispers, but isn't satisfied yet. If the kid wants to talk he should let Blair know that he will listen. "Were you dreaming about the fountain?"

Blair shakes his head, impressed and touched by Simon's concern. He never expected the captain to worry about him. "No, about the jungle."

"You know, if you want to talk, Sandburg, I'm here… Daryl once told me I'm a good listener." Finally feeling reassured that everything is fine he studies his guest.

"Thanks for the offer, man. I will keep it in mind… but I need to work through this myself first," Blair says softly. //And I have to figure out why I am dreaming of Incacha all of a sudden. Wishful thinking perhaps? Maybe I want a vision so badly that my subconscious is supplying me with one?// That thought makes him shudder.

"In that case I better get back to bed and try to get some more sleep. I've got to get up early." Briefly, he pauses. "You know, Sandburg… Please feel at home here… Get some breakfast in the morning…" Simon mentally makes a note to contact the hospital tomorrow and find out if Blair sneaked out. Maybe he should try and get the young man some counselling. Dying, and then coming back to life, can't be easy!

"Thanks," Blair averts his eyes, touched by Simon's genuine tone. "You're a good friend."

Simon grumbles at that and returns to his room, leaving Blair to his own thoughts.

Lying back down, he tries to stop the trembling racking his body. He controlled it pretty well while Simon was in here, but now… "Am I losing my mind?" he whispers lost. "Jim is the one who has visions, not me… never me!"

And yet, he can still hear Incacha chant in his mind, anchoring him. Shivering, he curls up, hiding underneath the covers, afraid to fall asleep again.

***

During his way to his truck Jim sleepily rubs his temples. He didn't get any sleep last night, missing Blair's normally present heartbeat. Only now he realizes how much he misses it, how much he used to focus his senses on it. Last night was hell. He kept tossing and turning, again and again trying to home in on Blair's heartbeat or voice. But the loft had been terribly empty, almost dead.

He drops onto the driver's seat and starts the engine. Somehow he needs to find a way to stop thinking about Blair. Does he really need his Guide this badly? Another, more unpleasant question sneaks into his mind. Has he been taking Blair for granted? Yesterday, when Blair and Simon drove away it felt like part of his heart was missing, like Blair was taking it with him.

Damn. He isn't this emotional usually. Normally, he tries to keep his calm, dealing with his problems, but not getting emotional over them. But this is different.

As he drives through the streets he misses Blair's voice, telling him about his classes at Rainier. He misses Blair's babbling. That voice always calms him, enables him to concentrate and now it's gone.

"We need to talk, Chief," Jim whispers determinedly. "I need to know why you can't come back to the loft. It's your home too." The words come easy now, but can he speak them once he's face to face with Blair? Repression is his middle name and he's good at it. It stems from childhood, when it was best to leave things unspoken. But if he wants to restore their friendship he will have to overcome that fear. He will have to change. "I'm willing to try, Chief," he mumbles firmly.

***

Groggily, Blair opens his eyes and briefly he feels disorientated. This isn't his room at the loft! Suddenly his memories return, hitting hard. "I really did it," he whispers resigned.

He stretches his body. Lazily, he enjoys another minute in his warm bed. Last night was remarkable. He still vividly remembers his dream, sitting at the campfire with Incacha, stroking the wolf's fur that was resting at his feet. It almost felt like a mystical revelation.

"One my subconscious provided," he adds saddened. He is not the one chosen to have visions, that's Jim. His subconscious is playing games with him.

Yawning sleepily, he pushes back the covers and sees he's still dressed. Man, these clothes are ripe! He definitely needs a shower. Good thing he's got a spare outfit in his backpack.

He walks into the bathroom and gets rid of his clothes. After a brief search he discovers some towels and then steps under the warm shower beams. Yeah, this definitely feels good!

Mentally, he goes over all the things he needs to take care of today. First, he's got to phone the University to find out when he can get back to teaching his classes. Then, he should probably drive down to the PD to check on Jim. If his friend has to go on a stake out tonight, he should be there in case Jim might zone.

"Come on, man," he chides himself, reaching for the shampoo he brought along from his backpack. "Jim no longer needs me." He's kidding himself. Better concentrate on his classes and dissertation. He does have a deadline, which he has to meet.

The shower refreshes him and after drying his skin he slips into a new pair of clothes. "Still need to pick up those last few boxes," he remembers. Most of his clothes are inside those two boxes. The stuff he already moved from the loft is now in the basement of a friend.

He really dreads returning to the loft to get his stuff. Hopefully, Jim will already have left when he gets there. "I better leave the keys behind," he whispers absentmindedly. That way Jim won't feel he can walk in there at any moment. Jim probably needs his privacy badly right now.

Hesitantly, he heads to the kitchen, feeling like an intruder. He quickly realizes he's alone. Simon left early. Okay, the captain told him to feel at home and eat breakfast, so he searches the cupboards and finds some cereal, milk, bread and he makes coffee to really wake up.

He feels awkwardly as he looks at the pictures of Daryl and Simon stuck onto the door of the refrigerator. "I need to find a place of my own." Maybe he can find a small apartment near the University. He adds it to his list.

Sitting down he eats breakfast and devours the coffee, black and hot, just as he likes it. He puts everything in the sink with the things, which Simon used earlier that morning and then gets his coat and backpack. First stop is the University.

"Shit," he curses softly. His Volvo is still at the loft and he has to pick it up first! "Change of plans," he mutters nervously. "Into the lion's den…"

***

Relieved, he notices that Jim's truck is nowhere in sight and nervously he heads up the stairs. Better pick up those boxes first. That way he doesn't have to come back later.

He rings the doorbell, just in case Jim is home after all, but no one answers. Slowly, he opens the door and steps inside. "Just get your stuff and get the hell out of here!"

Distressed, he freezes in the centre of the living room. Although all his stuff is gone it still feels like home. The couch… the kitchen… every inch of this place holds memories. "Don't get sentimental," he chides himself and heads for his room. Surprised, he finds the boxes opened, one of his shirts on the floor.

Without giving it a second thought he puts it back into the box and lifts it. The longer he stays here, the harder it will get. But he did have some great times here. Blair draws in a deep breath. No use to dwell on the past.

As he walks into the living room again, a sense of deja vu overwhelms him. This is where he stood when he realized that Jim had packed up all his things. He still remembers the disbelief coursing through him. Three years. He lived here three years and then Jim decides to kick him out without even a warning? That hurt.

"Still hurts," he confesses and tosses the keys into the small basket. It's time to get out of here.

Back in his Volvo he simply sits there, staring at the steering wheel. He's just closed one chapter in his life and is about to start another. He did that many times before and he can do it again. It's no big deal. Naomi's 'free-spirited' life style taught him to adapt and to be self-sufficient. He will find a place to live and make this work.

The angry ringing of his cell phone wakes him from his musing. //Don't let it be Jim.// He can't possibly act casually right now, not after making that trip down memory lane when he walked into the loft. He steels himself and then answers the phone.

"Sandburg? Where are you?"

Thank God, it's only Simon! "I just picked up the Volvo at the loft, why?"

"I left some files at home. Could you bring them when you come in later? You are coming down to the station, Sandburg?" Simon's voice reveals his uncertainty. Last night worried him. Sandburg's chanting worries him.

"Sure, I'll get them for you. No problem, man." Blair mentally makes a note. "Got to drive to the University first. I can be at the station at… 16.00 hours. Is that okay?" Simon growls something and Blair smiles. Doubtlessly, Banks is making his men very nervous now that the captain is back and in control.

"Just be there," Simon says relieved. Yes, he needs those files, but he also wants to make sure Blair comes to the station. Jim has been in a bad mood since he got in and maybe talking to Blair will help. He terminates the connection and studies his detective. Ellison's angry expression makes him uneasy.

***

Things at Rainier wrapped up more quickly than he assumed and he drives to Simon's house to pick up the files at 15.00 hours. He carries the two boxes to his room, grateful that Simon left a spare key on the kitchen table before he left for work. He doesn't bother to unpack, just puts the boxes onto the floor and then goes in search of the files. They're easily found. Simon left them next to the phone in the hallway.

He mentally prepares himself to face Jim when he drives to the station. Will Jim be pissed, angry or doesn't he care any longer why he left? That's the easiest way out and Jim would be tempted to grab it. Addressing personal and emotional matters isn't Jim's style. Well, maybe Jim will just start to yell, who knows?

After parking his car he heads inside, wondering if Jim already is in a foul mood. His instincts warn him that this won't be easy on both of them.

"Sandburg," Rafe greets him, relieved to see the younger man healthy and alive. Finding Sandburg in the fountain and dragging him out will always be etched into his memory. Seconds had turned into minutes and Blair had still lain dead at his feet. Even the paramedics had given up on the kid. "You okay?"

"Thanks, Rafe, I'm fine," he replies with a smile, but flinches when his eyes lock with Jim's. //He's angry,// he realizes, seeing the smouldering fire in those steel blue eyes. He braces himself and walks up to Jim's desk. "Simon asked for these files. Is he in his office?" Yeah, definitely sounds stupid, but he needs to say something that won't sparkle Jim's anger.

"Yeah, walk on in," Jim growls between clenched teeth. He's using every ounce of his discipline not to leap up from his chair and touch Blair to convince himself his Guide is really here. He sensed Blair's heartbeat the moment the younger man walked into the building, but forced himself to remain seated. He isn't going to show his nervousness in front of Blair.

Mentally, Blair winces. //Come on, man. You can talk to me! I'm your friend, remember?// So why can't he speak those words? A barrier appeared and keeps them apart and that barrier has a name. It's Alex Barnes.

"You feeling okay, Chief?" Jim probes carefully. Inwardly, he screams the words, craving the heartbeat this close, reluctant to let Blair leave again.

"Doing fine, big guy." Blair actually manages another smile. "Simon's cool about me staying at his place, but I better drop of these files now."

Jim watches him leave and with every step Blair takes his heart grows heavier. Desperately, he clings to the heartbeat, which still sounds in his ears. He can't help but listen in on the conversation in Simon's office. Maybe he's just curious and he doesn't want to admit it.

"Give me those files, Sandburg." Simon scowls and grabs the papers. "I need them!"

"You're welcome, captain," Blair chuckles with a wicked grin. He's about to leave the office again, but Simon's question stops him.

"Did you talk to Jim yet? I mean, really talk?"

"Simon, it's not that easy," Blair points out to him and peeks at Jim, who's staring at the office. Damn, he's listening in on their conversation! He should have known! "Does Jim have a stake out tonight?"

"No, you won't have to drive along…" Simon whispers thoughtfully, suddenly realizing the same thing Blair did. "It's rude to eavesdrop, Ellison."

Jim jerks back, apparently focusing on his work again. Why isn't he marching in there, demanding some time with Blair alone? Damn, he isn't good at this emotional stuff! He dials down his sense of hearing and concentrates on the report he's typing.

"You really should talk to him, Sandburg," Simon insists. "I've never seen you this… distant." It surprises him that Blair is capable of maintaining this distance, knowing how much Sandburg cares for Jim.

"He doesn't see a problem, Simon." Blair turns around and shrugs his shoulders. "To Jim, everything is crystal clear. He brought me back, retrieved the nerve gas and stopped Alex."

"I don't believe that," Simon remarks firmly.

"Simon, she killed me and he wanted to make love to her… It's my problem that I can't deal with that." Blair slowly paces the office. "I think he loves her."

Resolved, Simon shakes his head. Suddenly, he realizes the real problem. "You feel betrayed."

"Of course I do," Blair whispers, "But he will never see it that way." Simon looks at him expectedly, but Blair doesn't know what to possibly add. "When he brought me back I hoped he realized Alex was no good for him. But when we got to Sierra Verde he got really territorial about her, wanted to protect her. I saw them kissing on the beach after I left the church."

"I didn't know that," Simon acknowledges. "But Jim cares deeply about you."

"As his Guide, maybe." Fatigued, Blair rubs his brow. "But that changed as well. Face it, man. Jim is the one with visions. He doesn't need me. Name one moment he needed my guidance when we were in Sierra Verde. I don't know one."

The sad tone attracts Simon's attention and he hates hearing it. "Is that why you refused to go back to the loft?"

"Part of it," Blair admits. "He packed my stuff and told me to get out. He doesn't want me there."

"He did that to keep you safe."

"But it doesn't work that way," Blair sighs annoyed. "If that's the real reason for making me leave it just shows that he doesn't trust me. He could have told me about the vision, could have warned me. I would have taken that warning seriously."

Simon realizes he isn't making any progress. The kid needs time to work through this. "You're going to help Jim type those reports? I need them this week."

"Sure, captain." Blair moves towards the door. "Would you like me to make dinner tonight? I want to do something in return for you letting me stay. I can even pay rent…"

Simon cuts him short and gets to his feet. "You're a friend, Blair. Don't worry about rent."

Hearing that admission makes his heart thump. "Didn't know you cared, Simon." Man, it feels good to know someone cares, understands what he's going through instead of just ignoring it!

Simon stays near his desk, feeing uncomfortable. "I might not say it but I think you're an asset to the team, Sandburg and…" Simon tells himself that the kid needs to hear it. "I almost lost it when you died at the fountain."

"Thanks, man. Hearing that means a lot to me," Blair blushes weakly. It's more than Jim ever admitted. "Sorry I scared you like that."

"Jim and I kept going. We didn't want to let you go, Sandburg. When the paramedics gave up… I'm glad you didn't see our faces. Megan was really upset too." Had someone told the kid how they had reacted when the paramedics pronounced him dead?

"And Jim?" Blair's voice turns into a whisper.

"Sandburg, why don't you ask him that yourself?"

"He brought me back, didn't he?" Blair sighs, remembering their shared vision.

Simon forces himself not to tell Blair that Jim lost it when it became clear that he had died. He'd pulled Jim away from Blair's corpse trying to get through to his detective to tell him Blair was dead. He will never forget the terror in Jim's eyes.

Blair peeks at Jim's desk and finds it empty. "When I woke up in the hospital I wanted to tell him everything, Simon, but when he walked in his defenses were all in place. I wouldn't get through no matter what I said."

"Why don't you go home, fix that dinner you promised me and give this some time? Maybe Jim will come around once he realizes… //that he's about to lose his best friend,// he finishes privately.

"Great," Blair shakes himself from his musings. "Do you like Italian food?"

"Sure," Simon replies and takes his seat behind his desk. "But I've got no idea when I will make it home."

"I will put it in the oven." Blair's hand reaches for the doorknob. "Thanks again for letting me stay."

"Don't get sentimental on me," Simon growls. "Now get out. I've got work to do."

***

Jim watches Blair leave from a distance. The younger man probably doesn't have a clue that he's being closely studied. He clings to the heartbeat, which grows weaker with the increasing distance. Blair's behavior puzzles him and he can't figure it out.

Maybe Blair will come back if he apologizes? Apologizes for what? For kicking him out? For not confiding in his Guide in the first place? For wanting Alex after killing his best friend?

"Should apologize for all those things," so what's keeping him back? He can't bear the thought of opening up like that. He remembers being honest with his dad on more than one occasion and the disapproval staring back at him. His dad's reactions taught him to keep everything inside. He never again went to his dad for comfort when something upset him. As a little boy he missed that closeness, hugs he never received. Maybe it's too late for him to change?

"But then I will lose Blair." The thought hurts. He listens to the now distant roaring of the Volvo's engine and discouraged he returns to his desk.

***

Blair looks at the ingredients for his lasagne and smiles. Yes, this is one of his favorite dishes and he plans on using all the veggies on the kitchen counter! Stifling a yawn he looks over at the couch. If he gets started now he can maybe take a short nap while the lasagne is in the oven. How decadent… taking a nap during the day! It's been ages since he did that. Maybe he can find his favorite CD's in the two boxes he brought with him and just pretend everything is fine for a few minutes. Actually, that sounds just right.

He prepares the lasagne and puts it in the oven. Next, he returns to his room and rummages in the boxes. Yes, that's his CD player and inside is his favorite CD! He removes his shoes and returns to the living room. Sitting down on the couch he sees that he can keep an eye on the oven from here.

Hitting play, he grows calm as the new age music drifts into his mind. Slowly, he lies down and stretches his legs. Closing his eyes he tries to focus on something pleasant, hoping to achieve a meditative state that will relax him. He doesn't even realize that he's falling asleep.

***

A burst of fire explodes in front of his eyes and Blair cocks his head. What did he get himself into this time? Last thing he remembers is snoozing on the sofa in Simon's living room! So how did he get here and where's here?

"Oh, man. I'm back in the jungle…" he mumbles in disbelief. "I really need to get this out of my system!" The fire dies, leaving behind large clouds of smoke and he coughs. "Can't believe my subconscious is this creative."

"You've got a sense of humor… good."

The voice makes him spin around. Incacha steps away from the smoke and smiles. "Not again…" Blair sighs. "Yes, I whined about not having any visions, but this… why now?"

Incacha gestures him to come closer and he studies the younger man who still has much to learn and yet knows everything without realizing it. It's his place to guide Blair, to make him see what he pushed away for too long, but it won't be an easy task. "Because this is your time."

"I won't get a straight answer from you, will I?" Blair realizes and falls into step next to the taller Chopec.

"The answer lies in your heart, it always has," Incacha insists as he leads the younger man back to the campfire. "Sit."

Blair obeys, not in the least surprised that the wolf is already there, apparently waiting for him. The fire in front of him feels warmer today, almost scorching his skin and he wants to pull away.

Incacha stops him. "What do you fear?"

"The fire might burn my skin," Blair answers without thinking first.

"Do you fear the fire?"

"Well, I guess anyone would. Quite a devastating force," he points out to Incacha, who smiles amused. Displeased, the wolf growls and bares his teeth.

Incacha raises his right hand, extends his arm and his fingertips make contact with the fire.

Blair's eyes widen and his first impulse is to pull back Incacha's arm before the fire burns the skin. But something keeps him from moving and entranced he stares at the whole fingers. The fire licks, almost caresses the skin, but doesn't scorch it. "Oh man," Blair whispers stunned.

Incacha shows him the palm of his hand, inviting Blair to put his hand in his.

"No way, man!" Blair states shocked. "If I put my hand in there it will burn my skin."

Incacha doesn't react verbally, but his eyes compel the younger man to follow his lead, to trust him.

"I must be mad," Blair stutters lost. His right hand hovers near the fire, feeling the burning heat. He can't do this… he must do this.

"Fire is part of who we are, what we are," Incacha explains, hoping Blair finds the courage to take this step. "It burns in our bodies, is part of us. You don’t need to fear yourself. Embrace this power and take it within yourself."

"Oh shit," Blair mumbles and already closes his eyes in anticipation of the pain that will shortly follow as he thrusts his fingers closer to Incacha's. He cringes as the heat seeps through his skin, penetrates his bones and in his mind his skin turns black.

"Open your eyes. Don't fear your powers," Incacha says softly, admiring this young man's trust and courage. Yes, he chose well!

The lack of pain surprises the hell out of Blair and his eyes flash open. They fasten on their joined hands. Incacha's fingers are loosely curled around his. The skin however is intact. "What? I don't…" he chokes out. The fire is real! His instincts tell him that his hand should have been burned by now!

"You fear too much and desire too little," Incacha points out to him. "Only merging with Enqueri's animal spirit showed you the truth. You're jealous."

Unable to take his eyes from their hands, he nods his head. No use in denying the truth. "Feels like Jim is a Sentinel and a Shaman!" He can't hide the hurt and disappointment in his voice. "I feel empty."

"Because you cut yourself off from life." Incacha observes him closely. "Tell me what you want."

"I want to be a Shaman. Jim's Shaman… not a fraud. I feel like a fraud. I'm supposed to be his Guide… how can I guide him?" He fights back the tears that threaten to spill from his eyes. "After you died… I kept hoping I… would change, had inherited your wisdom, your powers…"

Incacha chooses his next words carefully. After all this is only the beginning of Blair's journey. "A Shaman is born in the fire of his soul. But when he denies what he really is the power dies slowly."

"But I want it! Always wanted to be a Shaman!" Blair protests fiercely and tries to pull back his hand, but Incacha won't let him.

"Tell me what you fear," he repeats his earlier question.

"Disappointing Jim." Blair gives up. Incacha will push him into telling the truth. "Being a failure as a Shaman," he admits at last and releases his tears. Ashamed, he averts his eyes and stares into the fire, suddenly intrigued by its raw power. "Jim really looks up to you. He…" Words fail him. "I can never follow in your footsteps."

Incacha leans in closer so he can whisper into Blair's ear. "You haven't even begun to discover your powers." A smile filled with remorse flashes on his face. "You're his true Guide."

Blair finally finds the courage to look Incacha in the eyes. "I'm a fraud."

"No, this is my mistake," Incacha insists. "I hoped that you'd find your way without my guidance." Seeing the tears flow down Blair's face doesn't surprise him. "You're so strong, so gifted… I should have known you would doubt yourself."

Blair's face contorts hearing Incacha's words of praise. Strong? Gifted? Yeah, right! "You should find Jim a new, more suitable Guide."

"No one else will do. The spirits chose you."

"The spirits lost their minds then!" Blair cringes at Incacha's disapproving glance.

"Your first assignment, Inqucha. Meditate. Watch the flame. Study the fire until it obeys you."

"Uh, I hate to say this, but you're talking gibberish," Blair chokes out, feeling the pull back to reality. The spirit plane is fading, Incacha is fading and the wolf leaps to its feet and disappears in the jungle.

"Find yourself in the flame."

Incacha's words follow him back to reality and suddenly he realizes that someone is shaking him, trying to wake him.

"Blair!" Simon calls out urgently. This is the second time he finds Blair mumbling in his sleep and that can't be good.

"Sorry, Simon, must have dozed of. It's not like me, man, to fall asleep like that."

Simon waves it away. "You probably need the sleep." Studying his guest he decides it's time to address something that's bothering him. "Don't get up. The food can wait. First, I want to talk." He smiles. Sometimes it feels like Blair needs a dad and the older man can't help but reach out. He helped raise Daryl and didn't too bad a job, at least he thinks so. Maybe he can let his parenting skills loose on Sandburg as well?

Blair elbows himself into a sitting position and waits patiently. "Talk about what?"

"I checked with the hospital today. They never released you, Sandburg. Actually, they urged me to bring you in for a check up."

"Oh that," Blair says relieved. As long as he didn't mention Incacha in his sleep he'll be all right. "Had to go after the two of you and Megan…"

"Stop avoiding the matter," Simon bellows annoyed. "You should have gone to the hospital when we got back!"

"I'm fine, Simon." Blair feels a sting of irritation. "I don’t need medical attention."

"So what do you need, Sandburg?" Simon asks quickly. And he thought talking to Daryl was hard! Maybe he should give Blair the third degree instead of trying to reason with him?

Blair licks his lips. His mouth is suddenly dry. "I can't have what I need."

"Jim?" Simon takes an educated guess. "I'm not blind!" he chides Blair who gives him a nervous glance. "I see what's going on. Hell, all people at Major Crimes know!"

"Know what?" Shit, this isn't going as planned. Simon should stay out of this! Blair runs a hand through his hair, trying to hide behind the curls.

Simon sighs. "You should discuss your feelings with Jim, not me."

"I can't do that. As far as Jim is concerned there is nothing to discuss." Blair gets to his feet and heads for the kitchen. "Can we drop this now?"

"If that's what you want, Sandburg." Simon follows and sits down at the kitchen table. Being served dinner is a rare treat and the lasagne looks mouth watering. As he digs in for his first bite he contemplates his next words. "Jim has a stake out tomorrow night."

"I'll be there," Blair promises. //But I doubt he'll need me,// he finishes privately.

Simon needs a distraction now that tension sets in. "What the hell were you talking about in your sleep, Sandburg? Study fire?"

Simon's words catapult him back to his dreams. "Don't worry about it, man. I'm just having crazy dreams since… since the fountain."

Damn, this lasagne tastes good and that red wine is really something! "Nightmares?" Simon inquires concerned. His protective streak shows, as he looks at the young man seated opposite him. Over the years Blair has become a good friend, even though he doesn't say it often enough.

"No, they're not nightmares. I guess my subconscious needs to deal with everything that happened and is doing that in its own way." Blair pokes the food on his plate. Suddenly, he lost his appetite. "Just don't mention the dreams to Jim."

Now, that remark does attract Simon's attention. "Why not?"

Blair shrugs his shoulders, taking another bite. "Can't explain it." Blair shifts uneasily in his chair. //Maybe because this is something that's happening to me,// he thinks possessively. He doesn't want to share Incacha's presence with Jim. This feels personal and he waited for it to happen for so long. //Come on, man!// he chides himself. //You know it's only your subconscious and not Incacha visiting your dreams for real.// But the dreams do comfort him and he needs them right now.

"How are things at Rainier?" Simon decides not to push. Blair is entitled to the time he needs.

"Okay. I'll get my classes back in a few days. I'll start again on Monday." He's looking forward to that, sitting here idly is not like him.

"Blair?"

Blair looks up at the surprisingly tender tone in Simon's voice. It doesn't happen too often that the captain addresses him like that. "Yes, Simon?"

"Do me a favor and have that check up tomorrow at the hospital?"

"Sure," Blair finds himself saying. Damn! Simon is learning how to push his buttons!

"Good and now pour me another glass of that wine." He usually has a beer when he gets home and settles down to read or watch TV, but this wine is a nice change.

Blair smiles, glad that this dinner is turning out this well. "Sure, captain!"

***

Later that evening when he's back in his room he uncovers the journal. There's so much he needs to write down, but at the same time he really feels tired. Ever since he died some of his old stamina left.

August,13th

I'm still dreaming of Incacha and it's starting to worry me. Okay, I understand that my subconscious is acting up, but how do I stop this from happening? It can't be healthy that I'm so desperate to have a vision that I'm now making them up myself. I wonder… when I go to sleep tonight, will I have another dream? I am not sure I want that.

I also faced Jim today. He was so angry! I bet he doesn't even have a clue why I'm now staying with Simon. I don't really know what to do about this. Since Sierra Verde his senses seem even stronger, but so does his control. I feel obsolete. Jim doesn't need me. Picking up my stuff at the loft was hard. Just being there brings back so many memories, mostly good memories.

It hurts being alone. Yes, Simon is really trying to make me feel welcome, but I don't belong here. Tomorrow I'm going to find a place to stay and tomorrow night I have to go on a stake out with Jim. Man, that's going to be awkward. Should I try to get him to talk about Alex or stay clear of the subject? This is so confusing and I'm not even thinking about the assignment Incacha gave me. Yeah, make the fire obey me… This is nuts!

He puts the journal back into his backpack and takes a quick shower, avoiding his reflection in the mirror and slips into some sweats. Right now he just wants to crawl underneath the covers and close his eyes, but a sharp tap against his window surprises him.

Curiously, he walks over to the window and opens it. In the corner he finds a black bird, which looks at him intensely. "Hello there," Blair whispers softly as he realizes the crow is injured. "What happened to you?" Its left wing hangs useless down its body. "Broke your wing?"

Blair rolls his eyes. "Great going, man. Now you're talking to a bird!" But the crow eyes him trustingly. "Want me to help you?" Blair carefully extends his right hand, expecting the bird to take off the moment he gets too close. But the crow remains calm, allowing itself to be caught and Blair gently pulls it inside. "Maybe I can find the things I need in the kitchen."

Surprised, he realizes that the crow seems to trust him. It doesn't even struggle when he tenderly strokes its feathers. Back in the kitchen he retrieves the things he needs to fix the wing while the crow remains motionless on the kitchen counter. "You can't really fly like this," Blair mutters absentmindedly and he's so absorbed in his task that he doesn't hear Simon entering the kitchen.

"What are you doing with that bird, Sandburg?" Simon growls surprised.

Blair jumps and the crow leaps from the counter, frantically trying to get away. "Simon! You startled it!"

Amazed, Simon watches as Blair crawls after the bird on all fours. The tone of the younger man's voice soothes the crow and it calms down so Blair can carry it back to the kitchen counter. "Well, I'll be damned!" Simon mutters softly. //What the hell is going on with you, Sandburg?//

***

"Are you comfortable in there, little friend?" Blair smiles at the crow, sitting in one of the boxes, which he unpacked. Simon supplied the newspapers to keep the bird warm and it definitely seems at ease.

"What are you going to do about this, Sandburg?" Simon remembers a 10-year-old Daryl who brought home an injured mouse and then spent the next weeks nursing it back to health.

"I know it's a nuisance, Simon. Hopefully, I'll find an apartment this week and we'll be gone as quickly as possible. But I would really appreciate it if the bird could stay for now…" It still surprises him that the crow allows him to tend to its injuries. He put the wing in splints hoping it will heal properly. "Tomorrow I will buy some bird seed…"

"Well, sandwiches seemed fine too," Simon mumbles amused, remembering the crow almost devouring a large pile of breadcrumbs. "You think we can get some sleep now, or should I expect more unannounced visitors?"

"Hey, Simon, I didn't know it was out there!" Blair says defensively.

"It's okay, Sandburg," Simon replies quickly. "Get some sleep and we will check on it in the morning."

"Thanks," Blair whispers sincerely. Simon leaves his room and he sits down on his bed, watching the tired bird. "You need a name." Okay, what's a good name for a crow? "Maybe I should just call you Tweety!"

The crow gives him a menacing look and Blair chuckles. "You don't like that?" Blair takes a moment to search his mind. "What about Jimmy? Or Daffy?" he whispers and the crow caws disapprovingly. "You don't like those either? What about… Blackie?"

This time the crow remains quiet as if considering the name worthy.

"You like it! We found you a name, Blackie! At least this way I won't be alone tonight," he adds suddenly saddened. He doesn't really want to go to sleep and let his subconscious play mind games again.

Lying down he tries to keep an eye on his little guest, but the black eyes are closed. "Better try and get some sleep myself." He pulls up the covers and closes his eyes, determined not to dream of Incacha.

***

"Now what?" he sighs exasperated. "Maybe I should give up sleeping?" Looking about he quickly realizes that he isn't in the almost familiar jungle. It's dark here and there are no animal noises, which usually tell him Incacha pulled him onto the spirit plane. "This could be bad," he knows instinctively.

Moving forward he curses as he bangs his toes into a heavy object. "Why can't my subconscious provide me with a light switch?" Suddenly, a beam of murky light falls in front of him and he identifies the object blocking his path. He banged his foot against a wooden chest. Slowly his eyes adjust to his surroundings. A full moon supplies the light, casting its beams through the windows.

"Damn, this is the loft!" he realizes with a start. He's standing in the living room, TV shut down, all lights out and yet… soft breathing comes from the couch. "Oh man, why am I doing this to myself? I'd rather be in the jungle!"

Unable to resist the pull he walks towards the sofa. He already knows who's sleeping over there. A single beam of moonlight touches Jim's face, showing new lines deeply etched onto his brow. Soundlessly, he sneaks closer, devouring the sight in front of him. "Jim, you've got no idea how much I miss you," he whispers, reckoning that Jim can't hear him in this dream state.

He kneels next to the sleeping man and cocks his head to study Jim's expression. The Sentinel is soundly asleep, but must be uncomfortable on the couch. "Why didn't you go to bed?" he wonders and raises a hand to caress Jim's face. Now that he's this close his heart beats with unrequited love and desire.

"You've got no idea how much I love you, big guy," he says affectionately. "And I can't ever tell you. But I'll be there when you need me, I promise," he whispers softly as his fingertips brush against Jim's brow. "I love you so much, Jim."

Jim stirs underneath his fingers and he jerks back, leaping to his feet. "Just stay asleep," he prays fervently. His prayer seems granted when Jim moves about but remains asleep.

Acting even more cautiously now Blair sits cross-legged on the floor and studies the man he loves. "You need someone to watch over you, Jim? Did you call me?" He desperately wants to believe that. "Don't let it be my subconscious playing games again…"

But no matter what brought him here, he's contented to look at that handsome face and to listen to the steady breathing. Hesitantly, he rests his right hand on Jim's chest, craving to feel his friend's heartbeat. "You'll be fine without me, Jim. You don't need me. It's time to let go."

Jim turns onto his right side and now faces him. Blair swallows hard as the blankets move down and reveal a muscular chest. "I want it all, Jim. I want you as my lover and I want to be your Shaman. I know it won't ever happen, but I can't settle for less. I'll always treasure this moment. When I lived here you always had your defenses up, but now…" Now the mask is gone and Jim's face speaks of hope and worries.

"I love you, Jim Ellison." The words are filled with sadness. "I hope Incacha will find you a better Guide. He's quite irritating, you know? Insists I am your true Guide. But don't worry, I'll convince him to see things my way."

With infinite tenderness he leans in closer and places a chaste kiss on his friend's brow. "Always wanted to do that, but you chose Alex and… it's okay. That's your choice. I just have to learn to live with it."

Fighting back his tears he tries to store Jim's peaceful expression in his mind. He doesn't ever want to forget the openness on his friend's face. "Want me to sit with you?"

He doesn't expect an answer and he doesn't get one. Instead he curls his fingers around Jim's and holds on for the rest of the night, softly chanting the words Incacha burned into his mind.

***

Jim wakes, feeling truly rested for the first time since Blair died and came back to life. He yawns, rubs his eyes and then sits up. Looks like he fell asleep on the couch last night. His senses kick in, telling him something happened during the night. First, he concentrates on his sense of hearing, catching a few fleeting Chopec words. It almost feels like picking up on a distant memory still hanging around in the loft.

Not yet satisfied he focuses on his sense of smell, dialling it up. "What's that?" he whispers absentmindedly. Since Alex forced that herbal concoction down his throat his senses heightened even more. It almost smells like… like Blair?

With a start he jumps to his feet. That scent wasn't nearly so strong last night when he fell asleep! What happened during the night to make it stronger? "Chief? Are you here?" he calls out, wishing Blair emerged from his room to tell him he's back.

But only silence answers him and puzzled he shakes his head. The scent is stronger! A lot stronger! Annoyed at being unable to solve this mystery he walks into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. As he opens the cupboard his eyes lock on the herbal tea Blair accidentally left behind. It reminds him of his failure. "Damn Chief. Why did you have to leave?"

He sighs deeply and listens to the reassuring sound of the coffee maker. Tonight. He will get his chance to talk to Blair tonight during the stake out. But what is he going to say? He almost feels like he should rehearse their upcoming talk.

After pouring himself a cup of coffee he moves back to the couch, switches on the TV to watch the morning news. Rehearsing their talk is useless. The words don't come to him.

What does he want? Blair back, that one is easy. What's he prepared to do to get the man back? That's harder. "Tell him my side of the story?" He's tempted to give Blair a call and ask him to meet him for lunch, but he doesn't want to push his friend. No, tonight will do.

He shakes off the feeling that something happened last night that slipped his attention and he walks over to the bathroom to take a quick shower. Still drying his skin he climbs the stairs to his bedroom. However, he freezes as he passes Blair's room. Longing and emptiness course through him, but he recomposes himself and walks on.

It only takes him a few minutes to dress and he catches himself whistling as he sits down on the sofa in the living room. Blair's scent is strongest here and he's reluctant to leave, treasuring that scent and the echo of Chopec words.

"I could use some guidance now, Incacha," he says in a pleading tone, but the Chopec Shaman remains quiet.

After eating his breakfast, he grabs his keys and is about to leave when his eyes catch the second pair of keys in the small basket. He noticed that the boxes and the Volvo were gone when he got home last night, but not that Blair left his keys behind. His fingers caress the metal objects and then he slips them into his pocket. He plans on returning them to his friend later tonight.

Determined to finally address this unease between them, he leaves for work.

***

"I got you something to eat," Blair announces and strews a handful of birdseed and breadcrumbs onto the bottom of the box. "You need to eat."

The crow accepts the food and swallows quickly. Amused, Blair smiles. It feels good to be able to help the animal. "Blackie," he mumbles softly.

Interested the crow looks up, but then resumes eating. Blair chuckles and checks on the wing. "You trust me, don't you?" he realizes with a start. That shouldn't come as a surprise. Animals always liked him.

"I've got to go to work now, pick up some notes and lesson plan. You'll behave, won't you?" He smiles. It almost looks like the crow just nodded its head.

God, he feels good today. Last night's dream was so amazing, so comforting. Just sitting at Jim's side soothed him. He no longer wonders about his subconscious, simply enjoying the pleasure last night's dream gave him. It felt so good to be close to Jim. He blushes slightly, remembering the tranquil expression on Jim's face. It was a unique experience.

"Oh damn, we've got that stake out tonight… I hope I won't lose it." Blair picks up his backpack and briefly closes his eyes. "Don't let me screw up tonight."

***

Jim senses Blair's heartbeat the moment his Guide enters the station and a wicked grin appears on his face. Tonight, he won't take no for an answer and Blair will tell him what's bothering him.

"Jim?" Simon notices the grin and doesn't like the smug expression on the detective's face. "Blair's here?" he realizes after a moment's thought.

"Yes, sir," Jim confirms. "Thanks for arranging this stake out."

"Just don't tell the kid I assigned you instead of Brown. I've got to live with him!" Simon says teasingly. "Settle this. I hate to see my best team and best friends behave like this."

"I'll do my best, sir," Jim promises and focuses on the doorway. Sentinel vision picks up on Blair's form the moment Blair leaves the elevator. There it is, the scent he smelled this morning. If he hadn't found Blair's keys he would have sworn the younger man was inside the loft during the night. But no, he would have heard him.

Feeling a little nervous Blair enters the room and nods friendly as Brown, Rafe and Megan wave at him, all engaged in phone calls or busy typing reports. It does feel good to be here. His steps falter a little as he sees Simon and Jim waiting for him.

"Sandburg, I guess I have to order out tonight?" Simon jokes and enjoys seeing the weak blush on the young man's face. "You're not going to cook dinner for me tonight?" He can't help it. He loves teasing Sandburg.

"Could you feed the bird, Simon?" Blair asks pleadingly. "He needs the food."

"Bird?" Jim interrupts. "Got a new pet, Captain?"

"No, actually it's Sandburg here who has a new pet. A crow with a broken wing."

"I tried to splint its wing," Blair explains and fumbles his backpack.

"Sure, I'll feed it." Simon leaves them alone, wondering which one of the two men is more nervous. "Rafe and Brown will relieve you at 0600. And don't wake me when you get home, Sandburg!"

"He's afraid to miss out on his beauty sleep," Blair chuckles, hoping Simon can't hear him and he gives Jim a wink. "And he needs it!"

"I heard that, Sandburg!"

"Shit," Blair whispers softly, but chuckles nonetheless. "So where are we going?"

Jim grabs his coat and gestures Blair to follow him. "Cascade General Bank. We received an anonymous tip that someone plans on robbing the vault, but we don't know the details."

"They must be crazy to think they can get away with that!!" It's surprisingly easy to slip back into the old routine. "You think they'll make their move tonight?"

"Our informant thinks so."

They walk to the garage and get into the truck. They drive away in silence, each man busy pondering their own thoughts. It's a 15-minute drive and Jim chooses a spot from where they have excellent view of the entrance. The security guards are already checking the premises, knowing someone of Major Crimes is keeping an eye on the building.

"Want some coffee?" Blair offers hesitantly. "It'll only take me a few minutes," and he points out the coffee shop opposite the bank.

Jim accepts the peace offering. "Would love some."

Relieved, Blair gets out of the car and gets the coffee. As he hands Jim his coffee he also presents a donut.

Questioningly, Jim raises an eyebrow. "No lecture on the sugar and fat? Normally you go ballistic when I try to eat something like this."

Blair shrugs his shoulders. "I know you love them. It's none of my business." Last thing he wants is to annoy his partner.

Suddenly, Jim can't stand the sight and smell of the donut. Blair's answer is so out of character that he wraps up the donut and puts it away. "We need to talk, Chief."

"We've got work to do," Blair reminds him and points at the building. "Don't want anyone to slip through." This is what he's been afraid of. Jim doesn’t have a clue what's going on and will only make things worse.

"We could sit here all night and nothing happens," Jim says firmly, not allowing himself to be sidetracked. "You left your keys at the loft." He uncovers them and puts them in Blair's lap. "I want you to keep them."

"Why? What's the point, Jim? I'm not coming back."

"Tell me why, Chief, 'cause I don't know what the hell is going on!" Jim explodes. "I thought everything was solved!"

"Nothing is solved!" Blair insists vehemently. "You made your decision and I've got to learn to live with it!"

"What decision?" Mystified, Jim tries to lock eyes with him. "What are you talking about, Chief?" Blair laughs and the hurt tone chills his bones. "What decision?"

"You chose Alex." Blair grits his teeth. He never wanted to say that!

"I chose Alex?" Jim repeats stunned. "Is this about her?" Finally, he manages to catch Blair's evasive gaze. "No, talk to me, Chief!" he pushes on as Blair tries to avert his eyes. "Explain this to me."

"What's there to explain?" Blair asks saddened with a hint of anger in his tone. "She kills me and you make out with her on the beach? Looks to me like you made your choice."

"Here you go again, Chief. I never chose her!" Truly confused, Jim shakes his head. "I told you that I couldn't resist the attraction! I never wanted her in that way!"

"Yeah, and I'm supposed to believe that?" Blair sighs embittered. "I don’t want to talk about this. It won't solve a thing. I just need to get to terms with this."

Jim's thoughts race, trying to figure out what Blair is not saying. "What else bothers you? Just tell me, Chief!" He won't let go before he knows the truth!

"You kicked me out of the loft… what's the real reason?" Blair asks resigned as his anger fades and only the sharp sting of betrayal remains behind. "Was it to clear the way for Alex so she could move in?"

This time Jim's jaw nearly hits the floor of the truck. "What? I can't believe I'm hearing this!" Anger threatens to take over, but then he sees the hurt and disappointment in Blair's eyes and that calms him down. Blair doesn't deserve his anger. His friend did nothing wrong. "I wanted you safe. I… had this dream…"

Blair looks up "Dream?" He leaps onto that morsel of hope Jim is throwing him.

"I was in the jungle and… I killed a wolf and it changed into you…" Jim confesses awkwardly, closely watching Blair. "I was afraid for your safety. I couldn't bear the thought of you being close, of being in danger…"

"You should have told me, man." Blair can't meet his eyes and stares at his hands. "I never knew that."

"Does it change things between us?" Jim can't help feeling a wave of hope.

"I don't know, Jim."

"Blair," Jim reaches out and places his right hand on his friend's arm. "I never wanted you to move out, but it was the only way I knew to keep you at a safe distance. I know I hurt you, but… your safety was too important to me."

As if burned Blair jerks off Jim's hand. It burns through the fabric of his clothes. "You should have told me about the dream." Stubbornly, he stares at the black coffee in his hand, still too hot to sip.

"Where did you get the idea that I wanted Alex to move in with me?" Jim wants to know. This really puzzles him.

"Face it, Jim. You're both Sentinels. I can't compete with her." He wishes those words never left his lips. //Please don't let him figure this out!// he prays privately.

"Blair, you're my best friend. Why the hell do you think you have to compete with her? She's a criminal!" Too late he realizes that he's doing the one thing he's afraid of, opening up.

"Call me crazy, but it definitely looked like you wanted her on the beach and later in the temple." This time he fails in keeping the jealousy out of his voice.

At a loss, Jim shifts in his seat and draws in a deep breath. Blair's erratic heartbeat is much too fast and the younger man is shivering. Blair's answers confuse him.

Keeping one eye on the building, he suddenly notices the shadows moving closer to the building. "We've got company," he informs Blair and calls Simon.

Blair sighs relieved. Jim was getting much too close to the truth! "You think it's them?"

"Yeah, I think so." Jim updates his Captain. "Simon, I can see two other men moving over the rooftops, heading for the bank. Send backup."

"Understood, stay put and don’t move before the backup arrives" Simon orders.

Jim rolls his eyes. If he does that the perps will get away. "You stay in the truck, Chief. Tell the backup what's going on when they arrive."

"You can't go in there alone!" Blair objects. "What if you zone?"

"I won't."

Jim's convinced tone proves his point. He's right. Jim no longer needs him. "I'll stay here." No point in tagging along.

With his gun in his hand Jim leaves the truck and sneaks closer to the building. The door is open and he moves inside. The security guards are unconscious and he notices the nearly untouched tea on the desk. He sniffs, immediately recognizing the sedative someone administered.

Soundlessly, he sneaks up the stairs, his sense of hearing guiding him. The bank robbers aren't in the basement where the vault is, but on the first floor. Why?

He never realizes he's being watched.

Part 2

"Stay in the truck, Chief," he repeats Jim's words listlessly. Like there's a reason for him to leave it! Jim no longer needs a Guide. Crossing his arms in front of his chest he waits for backup. What is taking them so long?

Suddenly, he doubles over as a terrible sense of foreboding slices through him. Gasping for breath, terror rolls over him. Jim! Jim's in danger! He doesn't question this knowledge. All he knows is that he has to protect his Sentinel! Within seconds he runs across the street and enters the bank. He ignores the unconscious security guards and wonders where to go next. Where did Jim go?

Upstairs, Jim curses mentally, registering the familiar heartbeat thundering underneath his feet. He told Blair to stay in the truck! Well, he should know by now that Blair doesn't listen to him and a sly smile creeps over his face. That's exactly why he loves the man. //Hold on… love him?// Revelation tugs at the edges of his mind, but suddenly his nose picks up another familiar scent. This one urges him into action. He smells plastics! This place is going to blow and that means Blair is in danger! But then the voices of the bank robbers drift closer. "Damn, can't let them get away, but…" His Blessed Protector instincts prevail and he turns to head back.

"Now!"

The word takes him by surprise, but he catches the click that sets of the explosives. "Blair!" he screams in an effort to warn his Guide.

His name tears through the silence and Blair halts in his track. "I'm coming, big guy."

"No!" Jim replies, picking up the distant words. "Stay clear! Get out of…" The explosion kills his next words and the impact throws him onto the floor. Damn! He turned up his sense of hearing and sight and now they crash on him, tearing him apart. He screams out in pain as his eyes drown in blackness and all sounds around him vanish. He's been through this before, and helplessness overwhelms him. He's blind and deaf and doesn't have a clue what's going on! In the back of his mind he prays Blair survived the explosion.

Blair pushes himself closer to the wall when the pressure the explosion created rolls over him. He closes his eyes and holds on for dear life. Judging it safe again, he quickly scans the corridor. A wall of fire presents an impossible barrier. On the other side is Jim, huddled in the corner, both hands clutching his head. Damn, that explosions must have crushed his senses!

"Hold on, Jim. I'll find a way to get to you," he whispers lost. The fire is gaining, stealing closer to Jim and leaving him no way out. Blair slips out of his coat and tries to put out some flames, trying to create a corridor that will enable him to get to Jim, but the fire is resilient and grows even stronger.

Blair mutters helplessly, realizing the smoke is suffocating Jim. Staring at the wall of fire he feels useless. Jim needs him and now he can't get close. Even worse, if backup doesn't arrive soon, the fire will burn Jim alive! He can’t let that happen!

//The fire can't hurt you. It lives inside you. Reach out, touch it and make it obey. Trust your powers…//

Blair shakes violently hearing Incacha's voice. He quickly looks about, but he's alone all right. "I'm not sure I can do this, Incacha," he objects weakly. "I don’t want him to die and I will…" My God, the sudden insight leaves him stunned. "And I will gladly die with him, for him, but…"

//Trust the spirits. Let hem guide you.//

"I'm losing my mind," Blair sighs resigned. "Okay, tell me what to do."

//You already know what to do. Go, your Sentinel needs you, Shaman.//

Blair bites his lower lip, feeling scared. "I've got nothing to lose," he whispers and takes a step closer to the fire. He draws in one last deep breath and then thrusts himself into the flames. He expects pain, fire burning his skin, tearing him apart, but instead he only feels… ecstasy. The flames are dancing around him, creating an ancient dance, moving to a forgotten rhythm and he's part of it. Entranced, he moves with them.

The ecstasy fills his mind, supplies his body with courage and energy and with closed eyes he continues to walk. The flames only reluctantly release him and he wakes up from his trance like state. Worried, he kneels beside Jim, taking him into his arms. "You're safe, big guy. Can you hear me, Jim?"

"Blair?"

Blair sighs relieved. "We're going to make it, Jim. I'll get you out of here." He notices the door to their right, formerly obscured by the smoke. He reaches up and tries the doorknob. Yes, it opens and a stream of fresh air washes over them.

"Can you get to your feet, Jim?"

"I can… try." His voice sounds hoarse from the smoke and he pushes himself up from the floor. He dialed down his sense of hearing and barely hears Blair's voice. His eyes however, still refuse to co-operate. He licks his dry lips and whispers, "Get us out."

Blair casts one last look at the fire and briefly he sees Incacha, standing amidst of the flames, smiling at them. He shakes off the image and guides Jim into the next room, closing the door behind him. "We need to stay moving."

He uncovers his cell phone and calls for an ambulance. Jim is coughing and about to lose consciousness again. A moment later Simon's voice roars in his ears.

"Where the hell are you? Sandburg, answer me! Don't tell me you're inside that hell! They blew up half the building!"

"We're on our way out. Jim is hurt. I can’t talk right now." Blair terminates the connection and worried, he watches the smoke crawl underneath the door.

"Chief? What are you doing?" A violent cough follows the question. He can't believe Blair managed to find him! The last thing he remembers is the explosion deafening his senses!

"I need help, Incacha," Blair whispers, hoping Jim's hearing is still impaired. He doesn't want Jim to find out about Incacha, but… alarmed, he forgets to breathe. Does this mean he didn't imagine those visions? That it wasn't his subconscious supplying them?

//Follow your spirit guide. You don’t need me, Inqucha.//

A growl sounds to his left and Blair's head jerks back. It's the wolf! "Hold on, Jim… you can do that for me, can't you? Hold on!"

Jim vaguely nods his head. "I'll try," he whispers, throat and lungs still suffering from the smoke. He feels Blair's body next to his, feels the warm and the strength and briefly he panics. What if they can't get out of this hell? What if the fire consumes them? What if it kills Blair? He's supposed to protect his Guide and now he's helpless.

"Lean on me, Jim. Everything will work out. I can see the wolf and he's going to lead us outside."

Blair's words calm him a little. "See… the wolf?"

"Yes, my animal spirit and now stop talking… you need your breath!" Blair chides him.

Although it only takes them 5 minutes to leave the building they seem like hours to Blair who's struggling to drag Jim with him. Jim needs oxygen, needs medical attention and he sighs deeply the moment they step onto the street. "Simon? Over here!"

"I'll be damned!" Simon whispers pleased and gestures the paramedics to follow him. "Are the two of you all right?" Stunned, he stares at Blair's scorched clothes.

"I'm fine, Simon, but Jim…" He releases Jim into the care of the paramedics and leans heavily against the wall. For the first time he looks up and stares at the hurricane of flames that are devastating the building. "Can't believe we made it out alive."

Jim breathes in pure oxygen and allows the paramedic to fasten the oxygen mask over his nose and mouth. "Blair?" he whimpers, on the edge of passing out. He needs to know his Guide is safe.

"I'm here, Jim." In an unguarded moment he takes hold of Jim's hand and soothingly rubs the knuckles. "We're safe."

"Next time…" Jim whispers in a pained tone. "Don't listen to me… when I tell you… to stay in the truck."

Blair smiles affectionately. "I never listen. You should know that."

"We’ve got to take him to the hospital," the paramedic announces. "You can ride along."

"You want me to, Jim?"

"Yes," Jim whispers through the oxygen mask and then faints.

"Simon, can I…?"

"Get going. I will deal with this mess," and he points at the building. "Take care of your partner, Sandburg."

"I will."

***

Blair remains quiet during the drive to the hospital. His fingers are still curled around Jim's and he refuses to let go. The paramedics assure him that Jim will be fine once the smoke has left his lungs.

"You're going to be just fine, Jim," he whispers, more to comfort himself than his partner. Only now the events catch up to him.

//I really walked through that fire… and I'm still alive!// How did he accomplish that? During his search on the web he never encountered an experience like this. Maybe it's all a crazy dream and he will wake up in a moment?

But looking down at his clothes he knows it really happened. His clothes are partly burned and stink of smoke. A curl dances in front of his eyes and he realizes that the fire didn't scorch his hair or skin.

//Why am I surprised? For crying out loud, Jim brought me back from the dead! What's a little fire walking compared to that?// He shakes his head, fearing he's going mad.

***

"Sandburg? The doctor wants to have a look at you too," Simon says determinedly as he enters Jim's room. "He also told me you didn't have that check up you promised you'd get."

"I'm fine, Simon," Blair whispers softly, unwilling to wake Jim. An oxygen tube allows the oxygen to flow freely into tortured lungs. "I've got to be here, Simon. You know how he reacts to certain types of drugs."

"You already told the doctor that and they wrote it down." Simon comes to stand in front of his friend. He has a lot of questions, but those can wait. "I'll stay with Jim if you let the doctor have a look at you."

"All right then," Blair reluctantly gives in. "A change of clothes might be a good idea too." He looks at the scorched clothes. Hopefully they won't ask him why he doesn't have a single burn on his body. "Did you feed Blackie?"

"Your little pet is doing okay. Now go and see a doctor!" Simon sits down at Jim's bed and gestures Blair to leave the room.

Reluctantly, Blair walks up to the doctor who's been trying to get him into an exam room since they arrived and endures the medical examination and questions. Luckily, the doctor seems rather pleased with his present condition and after changing into some sweats, which the doctor supplied, he returns to Jim's room.

Simon nods his head approvingly. "That's better."

"The doc let me go, Simon. I told you I was fine." Blair sits down on the hospital bed and reclaims Jim's hand. "I wish he'd wake up."

"He will," Simon reassures him. "What happened in there?"

"There was an explosion, Simon. It must have short-circuited his senses. He was barely conscious when I got to him."

"And you got him out?" Simon looks at Jim, wishing his detective woke up to supply him with additional information.

"Yes, I did." Blair avoids talking about Incacha or seeing his spirit guide, unsure how Simon will react to that. "Do you know when they're going to release him?"

"They plan on keeping him here overnight. Probably tomorrow."

"I want to stay here," Blair says resolved. "I'll take care of him."

"I'm sure you will," Simon gets to his feet, walks over to Blair and rests a hand on the young man's shoulder. "Anything I can do to help?"

"Just look after Blackie for me?"

Simon nods his head. "I will be back in the morning to check on both of you." He turns to leave, but then adds, "We've got one perpetrator in custody. We'll find out what they were after!" But Blair doesn't acknowledge his words, too enthralled watching Jim sleep. Simon grins smugly and heads home.

Blair pulls a chair closer to the bed and sits down, never taking his eyes of Jim's face. "You're going to be just fine, Jim." Placing his arms on the side of the bed he slumps forward and rests his head on them. This little stunt wore him out and he feels drained. His eyes slowly drop shut and he gives in to exhaustion.

***

"You passed your first trial," Incacha says approvingly. "You did well, Inqucha."

Blair isn't surprised to find himself seated at the campfire. He kind of expected being pulled onto the spirit plane when he fell asleep. "I really did it, didn't I? I walked into the fire."

"Yes, you did." Incacha studies him. "Your love encouraged you to take that step." He notices Blair's stunned expression.

"You know that…"

"That you love him?" Incacha finishes for him. "The spirits approve."

"The spirits?" Blair says with a hint of amusement.

Incacha leans in closer, hoping this chosen one will understand. "Sentinel and Guide are one. Tear them apart and each soul withers slowly. But Sentinel and Shaman forge a bond that can't be broken, not even in death."

Blair struggles to understand, but fails. "Are you telling me that the Guide eventually evolves into a Shaman?"

"Not all Guides. Some don't possess the necessary inner strength. But youare truly gifted. The fire is strong in you and the spirits protect you. Don't fear the spirits, Inqucha."

Blair swallows hard, still wondering about Incacha's words. There are so many things he needs to ask, but first, "You called me that before… Inqucha. What does it mean? Why do you call me that?"

"It's your Chopec name," Incacha says affectionately and allows himself to smile. This young one is a source of delight. He hasn't smiled this much for a long time. It can get lonely on the spirit plane and he finds himself looking forward to each of Blair's visits.

"My Chopec name? Inqucha?" He speaks the name hesitantly. "Does it have a special meaning?" He feels shy all of a sudden, touched that Incacha would give him a Chopec name. It means a lot to him that the Chopec Shaman thinks of him as a member of their tribe.

Incacha's smile turns into a grin. "It means 'child of fire.' I think it suits you."

"If it hadn't been for you I… couldn't have done it… walk into that fire. Jim would be dead now." Blair looks up apologetically. "I failed him."

A puzzled expression appears in Incacha's eyes. "Why do you think you failed him? You saved his life."

"But I needed you to… guide me, talk me through it…" Blair averts his eyes and stares into the flames, which now hold a new fascination.

"Inqucha, let me explain the old ways to you." Pleased, Incacha notices that the wolf creeps closer to the young man and then rests his head in Blair's lap.

Blair swallows hard, as yellow eyes lock with his. His hands move instinctively and stroke the warm fur. "I'm listening."

"In the old days a Shaman sought out his successor and trained the chosen infant in the way of the Shaman for years, guiding the adolescent through puberty. As an adult the new Shaman would work together with the teacher for many years until all knowledge was passed on to the chosen one. You had to do this on your own. You never had a teacher who taught you the old ways."

"Doesn't make me less of a failure," Blair sighs deeply. "I don’t know why I'm bothering to figure this out."

"You feel disconnected, cut off from your Sentinel. You need to restore the bond, which Enqueri broke." Incacha nods his head. "Sentinel and Shaman need each other. Love binds you."

"But Jim doesn't love me," Blair says softly, his protests weakening. He's about to give in due to pure desperation.

"Did you ever ask him?"

"I can’t ask him!" Blair's eyes widen. "Hey, Jim. I love you… by the way, do you love me too? Incacha, during these last three years we've been friends, nothing more and then there's…"

"The spotted Jaguar," Incacha says knowingly.

"Yeah, Alex." Blair doesn't know what he's feeling. The anger is still there, but subdued. "Jim told me he didn't want to feel attracted to her. I don't know what to believe. I saw them kiss."

Incacha sees the confusion in his blue eyes and sighs. This is also his mistake, not solely Jim's. "In the old days two Sentinels mated to ensure offspring. The tribe would raise the children, who would be Sentinels and take over the older Sentinels' responsibilities."

"So it was a… sexual thing?" Blair asks, curiosity mingling with discomfort.

"A sexual urge to mate so the tribe would never be without a Sentinel. Yes."

"I never read anything like this in Burton's book," Blair says apologetically, appreciating the fact that Incacha trusts him with this knowledge.

"You haven't asked about the Shaman's part in this," Incacha points out to him.

Blair remains quiet, wondering if the Shaman actually has a part in this.

"Shaman and Sentinel mate for life. Sentinel and Sentinel mate for the moment, their paths different." Incacha wishes Blair had found his way to the spirit plane earlier so he could have explained all this. "A Sentinel is only allowed to mate with another Sentinel with his Shaman's explicit permission. If he mates without the Shaman's permission, the bond between Shaman and Sentinel is broken. If the Shaman can't forgive the Sentinel for this breach of trust the tribe will declare the Sentinel an outcast for there has to be love and trust between them."

Blair's eyes are big as he stares at Incacha. "I never knew the Shaman was this important, had such…"

"Power?" Incacha supplies. "The Shaman leads the tribe. The Sentinel protects the tribe. But the Sentinel can only protect the tribe with the Shaman's guidance. The Sentinel is a warrior who needs his Shaman's connection to the spirit plane."

"I never knew…" Blair repeats softly. He startles slightly as Incacha moves to sit closer to him. The Shaman's fingers suddenly tangle in his hair. "What are you doing?"

"You passed the trial of fire," Incacha reminds him. "More trials will follow…"

"You still didn't tell me what you're doing," he whispers nervously. It feels like Incacha is braiding strands of his hair and as he looks down he sees colored breads lying on the ground in front of Chopec.

"Don't fear changes. Embrace them," Incacha advices and continues to braid the curls, adding colored beads to the braid. "Your soul is that of a Shaman. Don't be ashamed to show that." After he finished he studies the braid. "You can hide it," he says slowly and pulls curls in front of the braid. "But I hope you aren't ashamed of your heritage."

"I…" Blair starts, but then closes his eyes as the spirit plane starts to fade. Slowly, he drifts away into undisturbed sleep.

***

A heavy weight settled onto his chest and curious to find out what it is, Jim opens his eyes. The first thing he notices is the oxygen tube. Must mean his lungs are sill contaminated by the smoke. Experimentally he breathes in deeply. That's no problem, expect for the weight, which makes it a little harder.

//Blair?// he thinks surprised and smiles, genuinely pleased to find his friend this close. Blair is asleep and some time during his sleep his head came to rest on his chest, using it as a pillow. Face turned towards him, Jim enjoys the peaceful expression on his friend's face.

//You're handsome, Chief. Hey, where did that come from? Oh yeah…// The revelation that hit him last night during the stake out quickly returns. //I love him just the way he is… I love Blair…//

Why didn't he see it before? Why did it take all this to open his eyes and see, really see, Blair Sandburg's inner beauty? Blair has done so much for him! Three years ago Blair saved him from insanity when his senses went berserk. His Guide. His true Guide! Incacha was right. Blair is all he needs.

//I need to tell you so much, Chief. I need to tell you that I never chose Alex. I chose you, but I was too scared to allow that truth in. I need to tell you about my vision in the temple when Incacha told me to find the light that would chase away the darkness.//

It takes all his remaining strength but he manages to lift his right hand. Displeased, he notices the IV attached to the back of his hand. Damn, he wants out of this hospital! He needs some privacy to talk to Blair!

//Take this slow, Ellison,// he chides himself. //Kid still thinks you're in love with Alex! And how did he ever reach that conclusion?// Jim finally finds the courage to look within his soul. //I kicked him out, told him he destroyed the trust between us because he never told me about Alex and… I'm such a jerk! No wonder he thinks I don't trust him and that I don't want him around. But all that is going to change!//

Gently, trying not to wake Blair he caresses one curl, running the strand of hair through his fingers. God, this feels so good! Suddenly, he's no longer in a hurry to leave the hospital, provided Blair remains this close. He grows a little bolder, now tangling his fingers in the luxurious hair. Carefully, he dials up his sense of touch, amazed at the sensations running through his fingertips. If Blair's hair feels like this, what will he experience running his fingers over his Guide's skin?

//Denial and repression. I'm too good at those. I'm such a fool. I chose not to see his love.// Grinning, he realizes he's growing aroused. //Down boy, go back too sleep.// Relieved, he pushes deeper into the mattress now that his arousal is fading again. They need to talk first. "Come on… Chief… wake up."

Blair stirs in his sleep, slipping away from Incacha and closer to Jim, whose words are calling him closer. Slowly, he opens his eyes and stares into Jim's. Those steel blue eyes keep his gaze prisoner and he can't pull away. "You're awake," he finally manages.

Jim nods his head, unable to speak right now as Blair's eyes reveal the love he always suspected lingered there. //I've been so blind! For a Sentinel a real achievement,// he thinks sarcastically and all this time he hurt Blair.

Suddenly, Blair realizes that his head rests on Jim's chest and he jerks back, afraid he added to Jim's discomfort as the older man clearly has trouble breathing. "I'm sorry," he apologizes and leans back in the chair.

"Water?" Jim asks softly. His throat aches, but he needs to talk to Blair.

"I'll get it for you." Blair takes hold of the glass filled with water and gets to his feet. Awkwardly, he presses the glass into Jim's hand. Jim spills some water as he tries to drink. Acting on instinct Blair supports his friend's hand with his and helps him empty the glass. "Feeling better?" he inquires as he refills the glass.

"Yes. You've been… here the entire… time?" he manages in a raspy tone.

Blair sits down again, keeping a comfortable distance between them. His hair falls in front of his face, hiding his features. "Someone has to keep an eye on you."

"Thank you." Jim watches him closely, wondering what the hell is different about Blair.

"What for?" Blair's eyes beg for an explanation.

"For saving my life… My senses crashed… and you got me out… Thanks, Chief." This conversation reminds him of one he had only a week ago, but back then it had been Blair thanking him. "I don't know… how you managed to get me out… but thanks."

Blair blushes weakly. "You did the same thing for me, man."

"No, that was different… I didn't risk my life… to save yours." Jim's eyes search his face. What's different? His sight isn't back to normal yet and he gestures Blair to come a little closer.

"Why?" Blair asks hesitantly, but complies nonetheless.

"Different…"

"I'm different?" Blair raises an eyebrow. "What are you trying to tell me, Jim? You should rest and not talk to me. The doctor will never let you go if he catches you talking to me. I promised to let you sleep."

"Stop babbling… Chief," Jim chides him affectionately. He clearly notices the tremors running through Blair's body as his fingers return to caress the curls. Unexpectedly, his fingertips encounter something that doesn't belong there. "What's…this… Chief?"

Surprised, Blair's hand joins Jim's and they briefly touch. Blair quickly pulls back.

"A braid? Beads?" Jim whispers surprised. He has never seen Blair wear his hair like this before and he would have missed it, hidden underneath the curls, if his eyes hadn't caught sight of the beads. "Incacha… wore those beads… too," he whispers affectionately.

"What are you talking about?" Blair pulls away from Jim's fingers as he wants to see for himself. Jim's right, he realizes startled. Incacha braided that strand of hair and added the beads in his dream and now it's still there? Even after he woke up? Man, this is so weird!

Jim notices his friend's stunned expression and decides not to question him further. Instead he whispers. "It suits you… Chief."

Blair hardly hears the words. He has to remove that braid! "What did you say?" he asks, hoping Jim didn't say something important.

"I said that… I like it. You should… keep it that way." Jim feels stronger now, but also tired. "I'm going to fall asleep again… Chief… go home and get some sleep too?" It never occurs to him that Blair no longer sees the loft as their home and is now staying with Simon.

"Want me to pick you up tomorrow and drive you to the loft?" Blair asks tentatively. The anger Jim displayed earlier in the truck seems gone. Maybe they can remain friends after all?

"I count on you… to be there," Jim whispers fatigued and tries to give him a wink. "You said… you'd be there for me," he plays his trump.

"I keep my promises, Jim," Blair assures him. "I will be here."

***

"You need to get some sleep, Sandy," Megan states compassionately. "Simon asked me to drive you home. Jim needs you rested tomorrow." She walks up to him and smiles, seeing the warm expression in his eyes. "You talked?"

"Not really, but it's a start," Blair admits. "Can't I stay here?"

"Jim is in good hands, Sandy. You really need a shower, food and rest… Simon insisted I drop you of at his place."

Reluctantly, Blair gives in. Megan won’t stop until she gets her way. He squeezes Jim's hand one more time and then gets to his feet.

"You look tired," Megan can't help it, but strokes a stray curl behind his ear, noticing the braid, but not mentioning it.

"I feel tired." Blair allows her to take his arm and lead him to the car. "Does anyone know what they were after? Not the vault."

"No, we're still questioning the perp we caught. Simon thinks they were after computer files, inside information."

"Why the explosion?" Fatigued, Blair slips into the car and sits down.

Megan joins him and starts the engine. "Maybe they noticed you blokes hanging around and they wanted to ensure a safe retreat? We'll find out."

"Jim's doing better," he updates her. "The doctor will probably release him tomorrow afternoon."

"Are you going back to the loft?"

"No."

Megan shakes her head. These two men are so bloody stubborn! "We never really talked about Jim being a Sentinel."

"I should have hidden Burton's book. Leaving it behind was negligent."

"Sandy…what's your role in all this?"

"You don't ask easy questions," Blair sighs. "I thought I knew, but things changed."

"Because of Alex?" She nods her head. "I'm not blind, Sandy. You love Jim."

"Yes… I guess I feel inadequate."

As she drives up to Simon's house she gives him a probing look. "Why is that, Sandy?"

"I'm not a Sentinel… Alex is."

"Then I'm back to my original question," Megan says firmly and turns off the engine. She stops Blair when he wants to get out of the car. "What is your role?"

"I was his Guide… I helped him gain control over his senses."

"Was?" The distant expression in his eyes worries her.

"I'm having visions, Megan," he admits reluctantly. He shouldn’t tell her, but he trusts her, trusted her from the beginning. "In these visions I'm talking to a Chopec Shaman, the man who first helped Jim. His name is Incacha and…"

"Calm down, Sandy. We've got time." Reassuringly, she rubs the back of his hand. "These are 'good' visions, I hope?" She knows some Aborigines whose culture breathes mysticism and believes Blair when he says he's having visions.

"Yeah, I suppose so. Incacha tells me about the old ways, about Sentinels and Shamans and…"

Megan smiles wickedly. "So that's your part in this? You're a Shaman?"

"I don't know, Megan." Blair meets her eyes. "He keeps telling me I'm one, but…"

"Have you told Jim you're having these visions?"

"No."

Megan gives him a disapproving glance. "Why not?"

"I want to. I will. I'm waiting for the right time," Blair quickly assures her.

"Glad to hear that. Now get some sleep, Sandy."

Blair smiles warmly at her. "You're a good friend, Megan."

"Thanks, you're a great friend too, Sandy."

"But I wish you'd stop calling me that!" Blair says good-natured and gets out of the car. He waves good-bye and then walks up to the house. Apparently, Simon has been waiting for him, because the captain opens the door.

"You look like shit, Sandburg." And the kid smells of smoke and fire. "Take a shower and get some sleep."

"Blackie?" Blair walks towards his room, deciding that shower can wake until tomorrow morning.

"Doing fine," Simon reassures him. "And yes, I fed him!"

"Thanks, Simon."

"Get some rest, kid and don't worry about Jim. He'll be back to being a pain in the ass tomorrow."

"I hope so," Blair replies smugly and closes the door behind him. Feeling tired, he drops onto the bed. The crow stirs from its sleep and gives him a hard look. Moving carefully, it manages to jump up onto the bed.

"I take it that means you missed me?" Blair feels relaxed and cautiously, he extends a hand to stroke the black feathers. The bird allows it. "You're feeling better," he realizes pleased. He picks it up and puts it back into the box.

Walking into the bathroom he decides to take that shower after all. He wants to get rid of that appalling stench. Slowly, too tired to rush, he strips and then stands underneath the warm shower beams. As he reaches for the shampoo he suddenly remembers the braid.

He feels reluctant to remove it. Incacha braided his hair and it seems disrespectful to go against the Chopec's wishes. It doesn't really bother him, so maybe he should keep it that way. Jim liked it.

As he closes his eyes, he remembers Jim's body pressed into his during their escape from the burning building. Waking up later in the hospital with his head on Jim's chest felt even more intimate. His groin stirs and he moans his desire. Unable to stop himself he runs his hands over his chest, down to his erection. No other man ever made him feel like this. Only Jim…

He imagines that Jim's hands are caressing his skin, touching his erect cock, stroking it. Arching his back, he releases a soft yelp as he hardens even further. Aching for relief he increases the speed with which he's pumping his cock, fisting it roughly.

"Please, Jim," he begs, voice filled with passion and desire. "I want you so badly." He rolls a hard nipple between his fingertips and bites his lower lip. "So close.. Jim." Just saying the name increases his need. Oh, to feel Jim's hands on him, touching him, stroking him… taking him, finally claiming him!

That thought drives him over the edge and he shoots his cum into the beam of warm water. His body trembles and he leans heavily against the wall. Damn… he shouldn't be doing this. Not in Simon's home!

Suddenly he feels cold to the bone and the water washes away the evidence of his desire. His fantasies are always the same. Just thinking about Jim taking him, thrusting, making love to him brings him to orgasm.

His eyes swim with tears as he grabs the soap to lather up his body. He can't help but feel ashamed about his fantasies, which include a straight man he can never have. "I'm so pathetic," he sighs softly. The image of Jim and Alex making out on the beach burns his thoughts and he scrubs his skin harder, trying to wash away his desire.

***

Soundlessly, Simon pushes the door ajar to check on his guest. "You should be asleep, Sandburg!"

Blair looks up from his book. He wanted to reread some of Burton's passages, trying to find evidence for Incacha's words. "My eyes are dropping shut. Don't worry about me, captain. I'll be asleep within the hour."

Simon approaches the bed, pulls up a chair and sits down after casting a glance at Blackie, who's watching him with curious eyes. "Are you worried about Jim?"

"Jim will be fine. He experienced sensory overload, but his system is already repairing the damage." Blair removes his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose. "Simon, why did you ask me to stay with you?"

Simon never expected that question. "I hate the idea of you being stuck in a hotel room, kid. You need your friends around."

"And that's because?" Blair puts the book away and pushes himself into a sitting position, which makes it easier to lock eyes with Simon.

"You died, Sandburg, and dealing with Alex's influence on Jim must be hard on you." He laughs at Blair's amused expression. "I'm a cop, kid! Give me a little credit for figuring everything out!"

"I never realized I have so many friends." Blair smiles warmly. "At least something good came out of this."

"You've got a lot of friends, kid." Simon gets back to his feet and switches off the light. "Bedtime, young man! And if I catch you reading again…"

"Should I be scared?" Blair asks jokingly.

"Ask Daryl!" Simon counters. "I caught him a few times playing Nintendo during the night!"

Warm laughter flows through the room and Blackie caws as well, adding to their mirth.

***

"Rise and shine!" Simon calls out at Blair's door. "I made breakfast… you better appreciate it!"

Blair's lips are already curled into a smile as he opens his eyes. Last night he spent seated at Jim's bed… in his dreams. But at least he knows now that Jim had a good night's sleep as well.

Blackie croaks, hungry and demanding attention. Blair reaches out and gathers the bird in his hand. "You're getting an attitude." The crow stares at him and Blair laughs. "Okay, I'll get you some bird seed and breadcrumbs. And yes, I won't forget to give you fresh water!"

Feeling rested and energetic he slips into his clothes and first cares for the crow. Then, he splashes some water onto his face, shaves and heads for the kitchen. The smell of bacon and eggs makes him hungry.

"I don't do algae shakes!" Simon says teasingly and piles bacon and eggs onto Blair's plate, adding toast and orange juice.

"Jim told you?" Blair looks questioningly at his filled plate. "That's tons of fat, man!"

"Eat!" Simon orders and joins him, sipping from his coffee. "If you're a good boy I'll tell you what the doctor said when he called early this morning."

"You don’t play fair," Blair accuses and with a sigh he starts to eat breakfast. Surprisingly enough he manages to empty his plate, never realizing how hungry he really is.

"I learned some tricks while raising Daryl." Simon leans back and studies his guest. "Good boy," he remarks teasingly, noticing the surprised look on Blair's face. "Guess you never thought you could eat that much."

"You're right, Simon and you know what? It didn't taste that bad!"

"Better than an algae shake?"

"Yeah, but the shake is healthier." Blair goes along with the teasing, but is growing impatient. "What did the doctor say?"

"Jim's condition improved during the night. You can pick him up at 1300 hours."

Blair quickly checks the time. That means he's got two hours left. He could make a quick stop at Rainier and get his things organized. He should check his notes on the lectures he has to give next week. "You want to come along to the hospital?" he asks Simon.

"No, I'll be stuck at the station most of the day." Simon rises from the chair and gets the files he needs. "I trust you to take care of your partner, Sandburg."

Blair smiles. "I will."

***

Nervously, he keeps stealing glances at the door. The nurse told him that Blair would pick him up in thirty minutes and he can't wait for his friend to get here. He's been thinking most of the morning about how to regain Blair's trust. Eventually, he formed a plan. He decided to take things slow for now, but he's determined to get through to Blair. Damn, why did it take him so long to see the truth? Now he has to fix this mess and that won't be easy.

"Can I come inside? I know I'm a little early."

Blair's voice stirs something in his soul and he quickly whispers, "Yes." The nurse removed the oxygen tube this morning and except for some coughing the smoke no longer bothers him. "You're taking me home?" //First step, making the loft our home again.//

"That's the idea." Blair moves over to the bed. Jim is still wearing a medical gown and he presents the clothes he brought to his friend. "Picked these up at the loft."

//Good,// Jim thinks pleased. //That means you kept the keys after all!// Shifting in the bed he raises an arm and accepts the clothes. "Give me a moment to get dressed."

"Do you… need help?" Blair offers, feeling equally nervous. "I can call a nurse." Seeing Jim awake and healthy reassures him. Does Jim have any idea how close he came to death last night at the bank?

"I can manage…" Jim whispers with a smug grin on his face.

"I'll be back in five. I need to find out if the doctor signed your release papers," and he flees the room before he has to face a naked Jim.

Jim chuckles and slips into the jeans and sweater. It feels great to be wearing regular clothes and not that stupid gown! He puts on his socks and shoes and then cautiously gets to his feet, testing his balance. Pleased, he walks out of the room and heads for Blair who's talking to a nurse. "Let's get out of here, Chief."

Blair nods his head, thanks the nurse and falls into step beside Jim. "They want you to come back if you develop respiratory problems."

Jim hears the words, but doesn't react. He's too focused on Blair's too rapid heartbeat. Why is Blair nervous?

"Hope you don't mind riding along in the Volvo. I know you don't like me driving the truck, so…" Blair opens the car doors and slips onto his seat.

Jim joins him and releases a deep breath. "It's good to be out of that hospital, Chief. It gives me the creeps."

"I know. I feel the same way, remember?"

Jim studies him as Blair pulls the car out of the parking lot. The braid is still in place, a fact that pleases him. Okay, he has to be subtle about this if he wants to succeed, keep Blair off balance. "I'm going down to the station later today to find out if they got any information from the perp they caught. Are you coming along, Chief?"

Blair concentrates on driving through the heavy traffic. He doesn't have any plans for this Thursday. "I guess I can come in for a short while." He isn't sure being this close to Jim is a good idea. His body is waking up and his mind is feeding him beautiful images of time spent together.

Jim smiles a secretive grin. "We could have dinner together at the loft tonight. I'll cook." So far, so good…

"I'm not sure that's… that's a good idea," Blair stutters surprised. Jim's mellow mood takes him aback as he pulls up to the loft.

"Come on, Chief! Just to thank you for saving my life at the bank! Without you I'd be dead now!"

"You'd have found a way out," Blair says softly and turns off the engine. "You're home, Jim."

"Are you coming upstairs for a cup of coffee?" Jim pushes, not taking no for an answer. He's determined to make this work. Blair's resistance however, surprises him. It almost feels like Blair is scared to take this step. //Maybe he's scared I'm going to hurt him again?// He can't blame Blair for thinking that.

"I need to be at the University on time. I will see you at the station later," Blair says firmly, avoiding Jim's eyes. His hands do their best to crush the steering wheel.

Jim decides to let Blair set the pace. "I will see you later then? And we're on for dinner?"

"Jim…" Blair finally locks eyes with him. What he sees in Jim's blue eyes amazes him; trust, affection, longing. //He never looks at me like that!// he realizes and quavers. What the hell is going on? "Are you feeling okay, Jim? Or is the smoke still bothering you?"

"I'm fine. Dinner at eight," he decides and gets out of the car. "Thai food okay?"

Still baffled, Blair nods his head once. "Sounds great." Is it just his imagination or is Jim coming on to him? Nope, just his imagination. Jim likes women, not men!

"See you at the station!" Jim chuckles the words as he walks away from the Volvo. He still has a few hours to carry out his plans for tonight and this time, he promises himself, Blair will open up to him.

***

Slightly shocked, Blair remains motionless behind the wheel. //Okay, I'm going to have dinner with him tonight. That's it. No big deal. We had dinner before. There's nothing special about tonight!//

Blair draws in a deep breath and starts the engine again. He needs to prepare the lectures he is going to give on Monday, pick up some papers he has to grade and… not look at the fountain.

A stabbing pain moves through him. Every time he drives up the University it's there, the fountain where he died. He can't look at it without panicking, but he forces himself to pass it by, not to avoid it. Instinctively he knows that he can only work through what happened by facing it.

A wolf's growl brings him back to reality, focusing on the traffic again. His spirit guide feels incredibly close these days and without knowing it, his right hand reaches for the braid. Why did Incacha do that? Braid his hair? This journey frightens him, dabbling with powers he can't understand and he needs Jim so badly.

But at least the animosity between them is growing less and they're actually making the effort to talk, really talk. Hopefully, the dinner will go well. He can't bear the thought of losing Jim a second time.

***

Nervous. It's the only word that describes his current state of mind. //Or no, panic, that might even better!// Blair thinks miserably. He can't remember the last time he felt like this. //It's the uncertainty,// he realizes, //not knowing what to expect from Jim.//

Things are changing… again and he isn't sure how much more he can take. Jim's dinner invitation came as a complete surprise. And this afternoon, when he helped Jim type the report concerning last night's events, he could have sworn Jim kept stealing glances, watching him whenever he thought he could get away with it.

"What's going on with you, Jim?" he wonders aloud as he changes his clothes. He slips into some jeans, white t-shirt and blue flannel shirt. Briefly, he considers tying back his hair, but doesn't really know what to do about the braid. In the end, he shrugs his shoulders and allows his curls to remain loose.

"You're getting better," he mumbles and Blackie caws his agreement. Blair is surprised when the crow manages to climb up the bed. It then uses its beak to climb even higher and then settles down on his right shoulder. "What do you think you're doing?"

Blackie seems very comfortable on his shoulder and resists when Blair tries to gather him carefully in his hands. "You want to stay there?" he whispers doubtfully. "I can't take you with me, Blackie." But the crow remains stubborn and refuses to move.

"Got a problem, Sandburg?" Amused, Simon watches them from the doorway. It seems that the crow has taken quite a liking to Blair. "You're not going to get rid of him."

"Simon? Help me?" Blair tries one last time to get hold of Blackie, but the crow caws a warning. "I can't have dinner with Jim like this!"

Simon remembers Blair telling him that Jim invited him over for dinner and hopes the two men will manage to patch things up. "Looks like you'll have to take him with you."

"I can't! What will Jim say?" Blair considers his options. "Maybe it's just Blackie's way of telling me that he wants to go outside and be released? The wing should heal without complications and he can come back for food."

Simon chuckles, catching Blackie's smug expression. There's something about the crow that strikes him as odd and the way it's sitting on Blair's shoulder… it almost looks like it has taken his rightful place, like it belongs there.

"I better get going, don't want to be late…" Blair grabs the sake he bought earlier that day, not wanting to appear at the loft empty handed. "Simon, why am I this nervous?" Shit, did he really say that?

Simon's chuckling grows louder. "You're in love… this could be considered a date, Sandburg."

"You can't be serious!" Blair exclaims and Blackie buries his claws deeper into the shirt, surprised by the sudden movement. "This is not a date!"

"Why isn't it?" He enjoys pushing Blair's buttons and doesn't feel like stopping. The kid is too damn easy to embarrass! "Jim dated men before so…"

Blair swallows hard. "Simon, what did you say just now?"

"Must have been… four years ago. Surprised the hell out of me to find out Jim was bisexual. Didn't bother me, but it took me time to get used to see him date a guy." He reads Blair's expression correctly and quips, "You didn't know that?"

"Simon… man… I'm so confused right now! I always thought… assumed… that Jim was… like straight," he mutters embarrassed.

"People can surprise you, you know." Simon walks up to him and pushes his guest towards the doorway. "Get going, Sandburg and I expect a full report when you get back!"

"You don't…" Blair mutters big-eyed.

"I'm only teasing, kid…" Simon lets him of the hook and shoves him outside, then closes the door.

Blair shakes his head and suddenly realizes he's standing next to his car… and Blackie is still sitting on his shoulder. "Looks like I can't convince you to let me go on this… 'date' alone?"

Blackie cocks his head and taps his shoulder with his beak, as if to tell him to get moving. Sighing, Blair slips into the Volvo and drives to the loft.

***

"I hope he likes it," Jim whispers, nervously straightening out the tablecloth for the umpteenth time. Are the candles lit? Check. Is some soft music playing in the background? Check. Is the food in the oven? Check… He doesn't know what else to do to make this evening special and hopes this won't overwhelm Blair, but he wants to make this evening memorable.

He made one of Blair's favorite dishes, low fat, healthy and steamed the fish. Nervously, he walks over to the mirror in the bathroom and checks his clothes. He's wearing a sweater Blair once gave him for his birthday and hopes it will help to get the message across. "This is a new beginning," he states convinced.

The knock on the door surprises him and he hopes it isn't Simon or another unannounced visitor. He wants to spend tonight with Blair. As he opens the door, he frowns surprised. "Chief, why didn't you use the keys?" He cocks his head, seeing the crow on his friend's shoulder. The bandaged wing reminds him that Blair is taking care of the bird. "You brought a guest?"

"Blackie refuses to leave my shoulder," Blair says apologetically.

"Get inside, Chief. I'm hungry."

The moment he enters the loft, Blackie moves about and manages to fly over to a bookshelf where he contentedly settles down.

Blair gives the bird a probing glance, wondering why it insisted on tagging along. Suddenly, he feels Jim's hand at the small of his back, guiding him to the set table. The candles and soft music make the insides of his stomach flutter and he wonders if he will be able to keep his first bite down.

"You didn't have to do this… Take out would have been fine too." Why is Jim's hand still resting on his back? Come to think of it, why is Jim this close? Why the music and the candles? Was Simon right? Is this a date? Didn't he imagine Jim coming on to him earlier that day? Was he right about that? What the hell is going on?

Stunned, he sits down and watches Jim carry the food to the table. "I brought the sake," he whispers and allows Jim to open the bottle and fill their glasses.

"Hope you're hungry, Blair."

Hearing his name spoken in such a tender tone sends shivers down his spine. Jim usually calls him Chief. "What's going on, Jim?" he can't help but ask, as he feels lost. And is that the sweater he gave Jim last year? Why is Jim wearing it now?

Nervously, Jim licks his lips. "I want to talk to you." This won't be easy, but he can do this. "But let's eat first?"

"What do you want to talk about?" Blair asks hesitantly. An unexpected ominous feeling washes through him and he forces himself to take a bite. Jim's a great cook and he wishes he could appreciate the food more, but his stomach is suddenly doing somersaults.

Jim represses a sigh, noticing that Blair avoids meeting his eyes. //Slowly, take this slow,// he reminds himself. "About us, Blair."

"There's no us," Blair replies calmly.

The words cut through his heart like a dagger and Jim needs a moment to recompose himself. //I'm doing this all wrong!// He allows both of them a moment to recapture their thoughts and they eat in silence. He limits himself to one glass of sake, knowing from previous experience that sake strongly affects him if he drinks too much. Blair hasn't even touched his glass.

Seconds turn into silent minutes and Blair forces himself to remain calm. Every now and then he glances at Blackie who's giving him encouraging looks. "This tastes great, Jim," he compliments his friend, breaking the awkward silence.

"Thanks. Want to move this over to the couch?" Jim gets to his feet, picks up the tea he made earlier and carries it to the coffee table. It's one of the tea blends Blair accidentally left behind. Hopefully, it will soothe their nerves a little. With a heavy heart he watches Blair sit down on the other side of the sofa, maintaining distance. He hands Blair a cup of tea.

Blair tries hard to control the tremors rocking his hands. He doesn't want Jim to see how nervous he is. Jim is confusing him and he doesn't like the feeling of being out of control. Best way to regain control over this situation is to take the initiative. "What do you want to talk about Jim? I already told you there's no longer an us."

Blair's words don't scare him. He knows what he has to do. "You remember the vision we shared when I brought you back?"

"How could I ever forget?" Blair remarks sarcastically. That vision hurts and comforts him at the same time. It seems a mockery of what they could have been, one.

"What do you think it meant?" Jim leans back, studying Blair. What will it take to convince the anthropologist that's he's in love with him? He will find out.

"How am I supposed to know?" Blair whispers defensively and sips from his tea. He doesn't want to discuss this.

"You're the Guide," Jim reminds him, "Guide me."

"You no longer need a Guide." Blair puts down the cup of tea and considers leaving, but knows that's not an option. They have to talk about this.

Jim raises a puzzled eyebrow. "What do you mean? Of course I need you."

"When was the last time you zoned, Jim? When was the last time you needed guidance? It was Incacha who guided you in Sierra Verde, not me!" Jealousy no longer shows in his voice, it's sadness now. He can't be mad at Incacha, not after getting to know him on the spirit plane.

"I need you," Jim repeats firmly. "I won't let you leave like this. You're creating this distance between us and I don’t like it." Jim waits for Blair's reaction, challenging to finally show some real emotion, drawing him out.

"I'm not responsible for this distance between us." Blair draws in a deep breath, barely hanging onto his calm.

"You're referring to Alex?" Jim finally sees the opening he needs.

"Yes." Stubbornly, Blair refuses to elaborate. His cold fingers curl around the hot teacup and he wishes he had the courage to just get up and leave.

"Do you remember finding me in the temple after she forced that herbal concoction down my throat?" Jim moves a little closer and pries the cup from Blair's fingers. After Blair's nod he continues. "I called out to Incacha when I thought I was losing my mind."

"That proves my point!" Blair whispers, wondering why his bitterness is vanishing. Maybe it's the gentle caress of Jim's fingers, which now curl around his hand. He considers pulling away, but craves the contact too badly. "I'm a failure as your Guide."

"No, you're not, Blair," Jim objects softly. "But please let me say this without interrupting me? It's hard enough as it is."

"Fine." Blair waits patiently for Jim to continue, but can't figure out just why Jim's fingers are rubbing his knuckles.

"I had a vision and it only showed me death, pain and destruction. I didn't know how to fight it and called out to Incacha for help." Relieved, he realizes that Blair is listening and trying hard not to interrupt him. "He told me only light could stop the darkness and that the light had to come from within. When I finally found that light, it was you."

Blair's head jerks back so he can lock eyes with Jim. What is Jim talking about? Light?

"I saw all the good times we shared, but… also the bad times. I saw you die. I failed you. I should have been there for you to keep you safe. Instead, I kicked you out of the loft."

"You did what you thought was right," Blair explodes, unable to keep quiet any longer. "I'm to blame. I should have told you about Alex."

"No, you couldn't know she was a criminal. You were just doing research. I was out of line at the station when you apologized. I was trying so hard to keep you away from the danger that I… Damn, Blair. I'm sorry…" His emotions briefly get the better of him as he remembers Blair lying dead in the fountain.

Blair doesn't speak, instinctively knowing Jim needs time. Without even realizing it he returns the caress, rubbing Jim's fingers. He doesn't know where Jim's taking this, but he's willing to stick around to find out. Things can't get worse than they were.

"But about that vision. It made me realize how much I need you. How much I've been taking you for granted. Do you have any idea how I felt when I dragged you out of that fucking fountain?" Agitated, he tries not to lose his calm in front of Blair.

"No, why don't you tell me, Jim?" His voice sounds strangely calm, resigned to accept whatever fate throws his way.

"Simon had to tear me away from your corpse, Blair. I tried hard to control the pain, but I think I had a full blown panic attack when the medics gave up on you." He's trembling with emotions, having kept this inside for too long. "I felt like lying down and dying too. I couldn't imagine a life without you, Chief."

Blair is stunned. Jim's truly opening up to him, something he always hoped for, but never happened… until now. "Thanks for telling me, man." Tiny tremors rock his voice. "I don't remember how I ended up in that fountain. She knocked me unconscious in my office."

"What do you think it meant? The wolf and the jaguar leaping into each other?" Jim tries again, deeply touched to see Blair's watering eyes. One tear escapes his love's eyes. This is going far better than he'd hoped, but he still needs to make another confession.

"I think…" Blair starts hesitantly, uncertain whether to continue, "that it bonded us."

Jim nods his head and smiles relieved. "It took me some time to reach the same conclusion." He raises his other hand and brushes away the tear that's flowing down Blair's face. "I'm sorry, Blair."

Blair doesn't know what to say. This conversation is taking an unexpected twist. "So," he whispers eventually, "You think we can still be friends?"

Jim takes a deep breath to steady himself. He'd hoped Blair would have understood by now. Apparently, he has to spell it out. "I never chose Alex."

Blair remembers Incacha's words. "You were drawn to her. Your children would be Sentinels."

Jim doesn't really know why Blair said that and he ignores it. "On the beach… when you came running towards us. Do you remember that she grabbed my gun?"

"Yeah," Blair laughs nervously, only now feeling Jim's fingertips wiping away the rest of his tears. Is he crying? Shit. "I thought she was going to kill me again and this time you wouldn't try to bring me back… now that you had her." Witnessing them making out on that beach felt like the ultimate betrayal.

"You were right, Blair. I made a choice, reached a decision, but I chose you." Jim carefully watches the effect those words have on the younger man. "If I had chosen Alex, she would have killed you… but I didn't. I didn't fully realize it at that time, but… I wanted you, not her. I couldn't bear the thought of living without you. Alex and I… was wrong, should never have been."

"You chose me?" Blair repeats stunned and can't stop himself from leaning in and pressing his check against Jim's hand, accepting the caress, wanting it, and showing his need.

"I was too much of a coward to admit the truth back then, Blair," Jim whispers relieved. "The time spent in Sierra Verde seems like a nightmare at times and when we got back you told me you weren't coming back to the loft. I felt confused. I felt like… I was about to lose you all over again."

Blair savours the sensation of Jim's fingertips running over his skin, down his throat. Suddenly realizing what he's doing, he pulls back, gets to his feet and paces the room.

Jim lets him, realizing this is sudden and unexpected. This will work out, but Blair needs time. "Talk to me, Blair."

"What does it mean… you choosing me?" He whispers the words, afraid to speak them. "I need to know…" Abruptly, he halts in his tracks, uncertain what his next move should be. He doesn't know if he's reading Jim right.

Jim rises from the sofa and joins him. "Blair? Look at me?" He brushes some curls out of Blair's face and cups the younger man's chin in the palm of his hand. "It means that I'm in love with you… probably have been for a long time without realizing it, or maybe denying my feelings."

"Jim." Blair whispers the name and then turns away, breaking the spell.

"Am I too late? Don't you love me any longer? Did I lose your love, Chief?" Jim's heart pounds fiercely in the same rhythm as Blair's. Trying hard not to panic he waits for Blair's reply. "Please, don't let it be too late."

"I'm not sure, Jim," Blair admits in a heavy tone. "So much happened…" He owes Jim a better answer, but words fail him. Looking at Jim he tries to explain his feelings. "I… have been in love with you for so long… I don't even remember when it started…" He sinks back down onto the couch and hardly registers Jim joining him, reclaiming his hands.

"Jim, I… never thought you could… love me in that way." Blair bites his lip, trying to find the right words. "And after Alex and you kissed I felt betrayed. This was the same woman who killed me."

"I'm sorry, Blair. I never wanted to hurt you." Slowly, he brings Blair's right hand to his lips and brushes the skin. He dials down his sense of smell and touch, otherwise he would zone on the feel and scent alone. "Part of me realized I was hurting you, trying to protect Alex the way I did, but…"

Blair stops him, resting a finger against Jim's lips. "Let's not talk about the past, but of the present and the future."

"No," Jim firmly shakes his head. "I need to know you can forgive me for betraying your trust." Surprised, he senses the shivers running through Blair's body. "Can you forgive me?" Blair's answer will decide their future.

Blackie chooses that exact moment to awkwardly fly over to them, precariously balancing on the back of the couch. Blair immediately uses the distraction to avoid answering Jim's question. Incacha's voice takes him completely by surprise.

//Look inside his heart and see the truth. Share your pain and if you can find it in your heart, forgive him.//

"Blair? Blair!" Jim calls out, worried by the sudden empty look in his love's eyes. "Chief? Can you hear me?" Oh, this isn't good. Blair isn't responding at all. Jim shakes his shoulders gently. "Blair? Talk to me!" But Blair remains motionless. Only his breathing reminds him that his love is still alive. "Don't do this, babe, you're scaring me…" Is this how Blair feels when he zones?

//I want to forgive him, Incacha. But does he love me for who I am or out of pity?'// Blair asks at a loss. Entranced, he wonders why he can't move or speak.

//Enqueri is opening his heart to you…// Incacha replies warmly.

"Blair?" Panicking, Jim caresses Blair's brow much like he did when bringing him back to life and instinctively, he uses the power of his animal spirit to reach out and contact the man he loves.

Blair shivers, realizing he's no longer alone. He's back on the spirit plane, Incacha sitting at the campfire and the wolf resting at the Shaman's feet.

"Blair!" Too concerned for his love's well being Jim hardly takes the time to scan his surroundings. He's running towards Blair, whose back is turned to him. He freezes, seeing Incacha and the wolf, but then forces himself to move again. "Blair!"

Hearing Jim's cry he spins around. "What are you doing here, Jim?"

"I followed you, Chief," Jim whispers breathlessly, taking in Blair's appearance. The young man's face is covered with traditional red and white paint. Blair's throat shows some of the ritual black body paint that also adores Incacha's skin. Suddenly, he sees the truth in the Chopec's eyes.

"He is no longer just your Guide, Enqueri. I promised you would find your true Guide… your Shaman." Incacha gracefully leaps to his feet and gently takes hold of Blair's hand. "You owe him an answer, Inqucha."

Blair turns to face him, feeling distinctly uncomfortable wearing the traditional body paint. When did that happen? Last thing he remembers is sitting on Jim's couch and talking to him and he certainly wasn't wearing any body paint!

Incacha recognizes the confusion in his protégé's eyes and moves to stand behind him, placing a hand on Blair's shoulder. "You went into a trance, Inqucha. For you the borders of the real world and the spirit plane have shifted. You can wander both worlds."

"Blair, what's going on?" Intrigued, Jim approaches the two men. "Incacha?"

Incacha nods his head. "Answer him, Inqucha."

"Incacha's… teaching me how to be a Shaman…" Blair says softly, hesitantly catching Jim's gaze with his. "It started after we got back from Sierra Verde. I had visions and…"

"It was time for him to take his rightful place at your side, Enqueri. He's my successor, your true Guide… your light." Incacha watches them closely, hoping Blair will make the right decision. "Ask him again, Enqueri. Ask him for forgiveness, can you do that?"

"Yes," Jim walks up to Blair, gently takes hold of his love's hand and smiles. Blair is his Shaman. He should never have doubted that, should have trusted his true Guide. "Can you forgive me for betraying you? For giving into Alex?"

Incacha squeezes Blair's shoulder. "Choose wisely, Inqucha. Enqueri can't lie here."

"I forgive you, Jim." Blair swallows the lump that formed in his throat. "But I need to know… do you love me? Really love me? Why?"

"I love you, Blair. I think I fell in love with you the first time we met. You're kind and gentle, always helping others, looking out for them. You like to take of others, but I ask you now, will you let me take care of you? I want to make you happy."

"He speaks the truth, Inqucha," Incacha reminds him and Blair knows he can't deny such love. "Jim, I love you too. Don't ever leave me, man."

Jim and Incacha exchange a smile. "Take good care of your Shaman, Enqueri. He is your life." After speaking those words, Incacha dismisses them from the spirit plane.

***

"What happened?" Blair whispers as they find themselves back in the living room at the loft. "That was weird."

"Shamans," Jim says teasingly. "Can't trust them…" He's still holding Blair's hands and feels how cold they are. "At least the body paint is gone."

"Yeah, what was that about?" Blair smiles nervously. "I must have looked weird."

"You looked beautiful, Blair." Jim raises an eyebrow at the sight of the fierce blush. "Guess I need to tell you more often how gorgeous you are, babe."

Blair looks at their joined hands, extremely aware of Jim's fingers stroking his skin. "I don't really know what to do or say, man. I never expected any of this to happen when I accepted that dinner invitation."

"We'll take it slow, babe," Jim says reassuringly and kisses the back of his love's right hand. The texture of that delicious soft skin is remarkable and he dials up his sense of touch, feeling every detail that makes up Blair's fingers, the palm of his hand, his wrist.

"Jim? Don't zone on me, man. Dial it down."

"I'm not zoning, Chief… and I'm not dialing it down. Wish you could share this with me. You feel so… soft."

Blair's blush intensifies and he feels shy. "Jim? Simon told me you also dated men in the past? That… surprised me. I never knew… You never dated a man while I lived here?"

Reluctantly, Jim dials down his sense of touch and looks up into Blair's warm eyes. "Yeah, I dated a man once… but that was before I met you. You know something?" Carefully, he folds his arms around Blair's waist and gathers his love close to his chest. "Feels like I've been dating you for three years without realizing it."

Feeling shy, Blair rests his head against Jim's chest, loving the closeness, but also feeling awkward. Maybe it's time he made a confession of his own. "Jim… I don't know if this is the right time to mention it, but… I've never been in love with a man before… you're my first."

"And that scares you?" Jim smiles weakly. It certainly is a time for confessions. "It doesn't scare me," Blair carefully selects his words, "But I don't really know what to… do."

"What about kissing on the couch?" Jim suggests and wonders if he can chase away the crow, which is watching them intensely.

Blair chuckles. "I think I can manage kissing on the couch."

Jim leans back against the comfort of the sofa, forgetting about their voyeur and waits for Blair to make the first move. What will it feel like? Kissing Blair Sandburg's lips? The thought is enough to arouse him and now it's his time to fight the blush that creeps over his face.

Smiling brightly, Blair leans in closer and puts his hands on Jim's shoulders, sneaking up to caress his throat. //Whom am I kidding? He can hear my thundering heartbeat.// He no longer bothers to hide his insecurity.

Jim returns the shy smile and pulls Blair close until his lover straddles his hips. "You still with me, babe?"

"Uh huh," Blair mutters, as Jim's fascinating lips descend on his. Brushing lips, he moans his desire, running a hand up Jim's neck. He cocks his head and gets his first real taste of Jim Ellison's lips.

//Babe can kiss,// Jim's brain notices and he teasingly licks the inside of Blair's lips.

"Jim…" The sigh only reluctantly leaves his lips and he arches his back, pressing his lips harder onto Jim's.

//Come on inside, lover,// Jim thinks wickedly and parts his teeth.

"Oh my God," Blair breathes into his lover's mouth as his tongue is lured inside. He grows rigid encountering Jim's tongue, groaning from the exquisite sensation. Tongue licking tongue, lips brushing lips and… they're forced to stop in order to breathe. "Intense, man," Blair chuckles breathlessly. "I definitely love kissing on the couch."

//What about spending the night at the loft?// But Jim bites back that question, knowing he has to go slow. "You're a great kisser, Chief. We should have done this a long time ago."

"I agree," Blair whispers passionately. He still can't believe that this is really happening and his nervousness isn't making this any easier.

"What's wrong, babe?" Jim runs his hands up Blair's sides and soothingly strokes his lover's back. "You're worried about something? Am I moving too fast?'

"Jim." Blair replies after gathering his courage. He committed to Jim and wants to make this work. "Are you sure about this… us?"

"Yeah." Jim uses his thumb to trace his lover's lips. "Are you?"

"About us? Yes." Blair can't resist and surprises himself as he licks Jim's thumb, running his tongue up and down the digit.

"Chief…" Jim moans low in his throat, cursing the fact that he wants to take this slow. If he had his way he'd take Blair right here and now.

Unaware of how aroused Jim is, Blair looks up at him with a troubled expression. "It's just… none of my previous relationships worked out."

"This is different, Blair. We belong together." Jim recomposes himself and buries his lover in a warm hug, willing his arousal to go away.

"You'll have to be patient with me, Jim. I need time to… get used to this, man. There's so much going on in my life." Blair slides off Jim's lap and settles down next to his lover, Jim's arms still wrapped around him. "I need to tell you about Incacha."

The crow caws, obviously displeased with the change of subject. "Don't mind Blackie. He's getting an attitude."

"Chief…" Jim suddenly remembers something long forgotten and studies the crow. "Did I ever tell you that Incacha also has a spirit guide?"

Blair locks eyes with him and follows Jim's gaze as it comes to rest on the crow, which spreads its wings and manages to fly back to the bookshelf. Sudden understanding washes through him. "Don't tell me it's a crow, man."

"I'm afraid so." Jim wonders about the injured crow. "Did you notice anything… out of the ordinary about the bird?"

"Jim, it's a weird bird," Blair admits at once, "But you can't possibly think…"

"Why not?"

"This is too weird, man," Blair whispers, closely observing the crow that is plainly ignoring them. "Must be coincidence."

"Just keep an eye on that crow, Chief…" Dismissing the subject for now Jim encourages his new lover to snuggle up to him. "Love holding you, babe."

"Jim? I think I could use another glass sake."

"You sure? In the past you sometimes reacted funny to it."

"Funny?"

"Yeah, you start giggling, make horrible jokes and…" Jim quickly flees the sofa at seeing Blair's stunned expression and gets them beer instead. "Safer this way."

"Shit," Blair curses after taking a few sips, remembering drinking some sake as well. "I can't drive home like this! And you had even more to drink!"

"You can sleep here," Jim suggests, ducking his head as Blair throws him a dirty glance. "In your old bedroom," he quickly clarifies. Another more wicked part of him adds, "Or in my bed upstairs."

"You're moving too fast, man. I just realized that you love me. I can't go that fast…" Blair feels like a coward, but it's the truth. Only hours ago he thought he would suffer the rest of his life from unrequited love. "I will just call a cab."

"You sure, Chief? I would love having you here all night. Just cuddling… snuggling and kissing on the sofa."

"Jim…" Blair sighs, angry with himself. "I need time." He doesn't want to disappoint Jim, but has to follow his instincts and they tell him to take this slow. "I moved out of the loft, remember?"

"We can rectify that tomorrow by moving your stuff back in. I want you here, babe." Saddened, Jim sees the hurt in Blair's eyes. His lover may have forgiven him, but they still have to make this relationship work. "Will you move back in? Please?" he adds and cocks his head, giving Blair his best imitation of puppy- dog eyes. "Pretty please?" He can play dirty if necessary.

Blair bursts out into a warm chuckle. "You really want that, don't you?" He doesn't need to hear the answer. Jim's face is an open book. "Fine. I will move back in, but I'm going to keep my old room for now."

"Thanks, babe. I will help you move back tomorrow." Jim leans in and instigates a kiss. Blair gives in willingly and delighted, he notices that his lover deepens the kiss. Sucking the tip of Blair's tongue he quavers, hearing his lover moan. "You like that?"

"What are you doing to me, man?" Blair trembles as Jim's arms pull him closer. Gasping for breath he still manages to enjoy the warm embrace.

"What's your favorite color, Blair?"

"Uh?" He isn't paying attention, too fascinated by the up and down movement of Jim's chest, which he's using as a pillow. "What's the question?"

"What's your favorite color, babe?" Jim repeats amused, savouring Blair's closeness. It's so relaxing and comforting. It's the first time he felt this relaxed since… since Alex entered their lives.

"Red," Blair answers without giving it a second thought. "Why?"

"I just want to know… what's your favorite food?"

"Thai!" Blair playfully slaps his lover's chest. "You just prepared my favorite food!"

"What's your favorite drink? And don't say algae shakes, 'cause I won't believe you!" Jim doesn't know why, but he has the sudden craving to know all these private things, which will make him feel even closer to Blair. "Just tell me, babe."

"Favorite drink…" he actually has to think about that. "Does camomile tea count?"

"Sure… favorite book?"

"Man, you're not letting me off the hook with this!" Blair sighs, secretly delighted by Jim's curiosity. He doesn't often get the chance to share these private things. "The Sentinels of Paraguay!" he counters victoriously.

"You got me there," Jim admits. "Favorite band?"

"That's the last one I'm going to answer!" Blair decides. "Except from my new age tapes and tribal music?"

"Apart from that, yes."

"This is stupid," he giggles. Jim can't possible be interested in all these things! "Depeche Mode."

"Never heard of them. Need to listen to their CD's if they're your favorite band."

"You know, Jim… just sitting here with you holding me feels good."

"Want to do this for the rest of the evening?" Jim smiles, safely tucking Blair's head underneath his chin. "Sleep in your old bedroom tonight? We can call Simon so he won't worry about you."

"Worry about me?" Blair breathes in Jim's scent, tentatively caressing his lover's skin. "Maybe you're right. Sometimes he treats me like he treats Daryl. Actually… he makes a pretty good father figure."

"I think that feeling is mutual. Simon was really upset --and that's an understatement-- when the medics gave up on you. He was barely holding up… not that I was doing much better."

Blair feels too comfortable to consider leaving the couch, let alone the loft. "In that case we can have another beer, maybe watch a movie and…snuggle?"

"I always suspected you're a snuggler, Chief," he chuckles; silently thanking Incacha for guiding his lover when he'd needed it most. Now, everything will work out just fine.