Author: Evadne - PG-13 - English - Parody

Author: Evadne - PG-13 - English - Parody - Reviews: 175

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(Author’s Note: Idea for abridgement comes from the Editing Room. The Lord of the Rings does not belong to me. It belongs first and foremost to the Tolkien estate. Though I’m sure New Line has few things to say about it.)

LORD OF THE RINGS: BREADBOX EDITION

THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS

FADE IN (SORT OF):

EXT/INT. DARKNESS

NARRATOR

Once upon a time, Sauron got the great idea of

ruling the world via some rings.

SAURON, who looks like a kitchen appliance gone horribly wrong, shows off his flashy new jewelry.

NARRATOR

Not everyone was thrilled with this idea,

so there was a war.

Lots and lots of ELVES and MEN fighting ORCS. ELROND looks pissy.

NARRATOR

Sauron had the One Ring and was

therefore whacking people left and right.

SAURON kicks the ass of ISILDUR’S FATHER and menaces the hell out of ISILDUR.

NARRATOR

But, Sauron rather stupidly reached toward

Isildur with his Ring hand and Isildur chopped

it off.

First of many shots of SAURON’S FALLING FINGER with THE RING.

NARRATOR

Isildur could have destroyed it then and there,

but nooooo. He was a big dope and kept it.

The Ring was not happy with this and quickly

arranged Isildur’s death.

RING calls in A HIT on ISILDUR. ISILDUR gets jumped by an ORC but somehow ends up in a RIVER with arrows in his back. RING ends up UNDERWATER.

RING

Well, this is inconvenient.

NARRATOR

And everyone pretty much forgot about the

extremely important war.

GOLLUM goes swimming and picks up a GIANT PEARL, I mean, THE RING.

NARRATOR

The Ring did wonders for Gollum’s social life.

GOLLULM

Precioussss….

RING

Hoo boy.

BILBO finds THE RING. GOLLUM freaks.

NARRATOR

Which brings us to…Now.

EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY SHIRE

FRODO

Hi there. I’m extremely adorable.

GANDALF rides up, singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.

GANDALF

Hello, Frodo. Why don’t I

not tell you things.

FRODO laughs. It would behoove the AUDIENCE to remember this sound, as they will never hear it again.

GANDALF randomly drops off FRODO and goes to see BILBO.

BILBO

I’m going to say some vaguely

disturbing things while Gandalf

engages in some slapstick.

GANDALF smacks his HEAD.

GANDALF

Let’s have a smoke.

AUDIENCE

I was gonna go research the Ring

But then I got high.

I was gonna destroy the bloody thing

But then I got high.

Now the world is in imminent danger

And I know why.

Because I got high, because I got high,

Because I got high.

EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY PARTY

BILBO

We need to make several clever

references to The Hobbit.

MERRY and PIPPIN do something stupid, thus establishing themselves as COMIC RELIEF.

BILBO

Now, I will make an insulting speech

that no one will understand

because you can barely add fractions.

God, I’m clever.

BILBO’S EGO implodes, causing him to DISAPPEAR.

GANDALF

Oh, for heaven’s sake.

GANDALF berates BILBO for wanting to keep THE RING.

BILBO

Remember those vaguely disturbing

things I said earlier? Now I’m going to

say some blatantly disturbing things.

GANDALF talks BILBO down by putting on a LIGHT SHOW, or more to the point, A SHADOW SHOW.

BILBO

Okay, I won’t do that freaky thing

with my eyes again.

GANDALF

Leave the Ring for Frodo. I’m sure

he won’t mind having to keep the

evil object.

BILBO goes off, also singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.

BILBO

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began…

Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm…

BORK, BORK, BORK!

GANDALF

I’m going to wait for Frodo to come

home so I can not tell him things.

FRODO

I’m home! Why do we keep having

extreme close-ups of Bilbo’s ring?

GANDALF

I can’t tell you that.

GANDALF rides off to the CGI CITY OF MINAS TIRITH to have a FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK.

EXT. THE CGI CITY OF BARAD-DUR

GOLLUM

Shire…Baggins!

The EXCESSIVELY CREEPY BLACK RIDERS go off looking for someone named SHIRE in the land of BAGGINS.

EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY, BUT NOT FOR MUCH LONGER, SHIRE

FRODO

La, la, la. Life is good. Nothing

can possibly go wrong.

GANDALF

BOO!

FRODO

Oh, shit.

GANDALF

The Ring is evil.

RING

Hey, I’m in the room!

GANDALF

You have to go. Gollum told

everyone.

GANDALF shows us a FLASHBACK we didn’t need to see.

GANDALF

I’m going to see the obviously

evil Saruman.

FRODO

That’s great. I’m sure you’ll

be captured and I’ll waste time

waiting for you.

GANDALF

Hmm…You can’t go alone, so…

GANDALF pulls SAM from thin air.

SAM

Ack! Gardening! At night!

GANDALF

Whatever. I need someone

to obsess about Frodo.

SAM

I’m your man.

GANDALF goes off to get captured and FRODO and SAM go off to find MERRY and PIPPIN doing something stupid.

FRODO

The excessively creepy black rider is

coming! Hide!

BLACK RIDER

Dammit, why can’t I find this

Baggins place?

RING

Hey, you! I’m down here!

Frodo, put on the Ring!

FRODO looks adorable while fighting off the RING.

BLACK RIDER gets frustrated and screams like the SUBWAY ARRIVING.

THE HOBBITS run like hell to the FERRY.

BLACK RIDER

Hey! You! Can I get directions?

FRODO

Argh!

BLACK RIDER

Wait! I need help here!

FRODO leaps five whole feet onto the FERRY.

INT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

GANDALF

I need your help.

SARUMAN

Blegh. I vant to suck your blood.

GANDALF

Despite your creepy demeanor, I’m going

to reveal some secrets.

SARUMAN

I work for Sauron.

GANDALF

You are the wisest of the Wise.

SARUMAN

I’m evil.

GANDALF

I trust you implicitly.

SARUMAN

I’ll make you break dance.

GANDALF

You ARE evil!

GANDALF and SARUMAN have a really silly looking fight.

EXT. THE TOWNSHIP OF BREE

FRODO

Gandalf isn’t here. I wonder why.

MERRY

Let’s get drunk!

PIPPIN

I see no reason why not.

RING

Those damn Ringwraiths are lost again.

Frodo, put me on so the Eye can

give them directions.

FRODO

Ack! Now I must look sad and tormented.

And adorable.

PIPPIN does something stupid. FRODO goes to stop him and, OOPS!, falls. RING lands directly on his finger.

RING

Score! I thought that was going to

take weeks!

FRODO appears in the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS.

EYE OF SAURON

ROAR! I…My god, your eyes are blue!

FRODO

Well, I am adorable.

BLACK RIDERS

Oh, so it was someone named Baggins

in the land of Shire!

BLACK RIDERS scream like NAILS ACROSS A BLACKBOARD.

FRODO pulls off the RING just in time to be molested by STRIDER.

STRIDER

There’s been enough adorability.

Time for some rugged handsomeness

from Strider the Ranger.

AUDIENCE

Tyrannosaurus Rex!

SAM

Frodo’s been out of my sight for three seconds!

STRIDER

I’ve come to guide you to the next plot point.

We need to set it up so the audience thinks

the Black Riders are killing you, while you

are actually somewhere safe with me.

BLACK RIDERS stab beds, while shots of SAM are shown. INFANTS and SMALL DOGS are not fooled. BLACK RIDERS scream like a CARNIVAL RIDE COMING TO A COMPLETE STOP.

AUDIENCE

Enough already!

STRIDER

Oh, my name is actually Aragorn.

FRODO

You didn’t pretend it was Strider for

very long.

ARAGORN

Well, multiple names are cumbersome.

Just ask Mithrandir.

SAM

Who?

EXT. WEATHERTOP A.K.A., THE NEXT PLOT POINT

ARAGORN

I’m going to conveniently wander off.

FRODO

I’m going to conveniently go to sleep.

Without supervision, PIPPIN immediately does something stupid.

BLACK RIDERS

Oh, there they are!

AUDIENCE

You guys aren’t very bright, are you?

BLACK RIDERS surround the HOBBITS. It’s all very creepy and scary. FRODO falls.

AUDIENCE

Oh, for the love of…

BLACK RIDER stabs FRODO.

AUDIENCE

Noooo! Will his cuteness suffer?

FRODO

No, I’m just going to get cloudy contacts,

varicose veins and start making funny

noises, but I’ll still be the cutest thing

you’ve ever seen.

ARAGORN manages to show up.

SAM

It’s about time.

ARAGORN

Sorry, traffic.

ARAGORN whups the BLACK RIDERS with fire.

BLACK RIDERS

Fire bad!

There is one BLACK RIDER left. ARAGORN throws the burning brand in his face.

BLACK RIDER

Well, I’ll just be going then.

EXT. THE ENCHANTED WOODS

GLORFINDEL

Well, it’s just about time for

me to go save Frodo.

Suddenly, a SHOVEL thwacks GLORFINDEL across the back of his head. ARWEN is shown holding the SHOVEL.

ARWEN

Sorry, Glory. It’s my time.

ARWEN unceremoniously dumps his body in a ditch somewhere with that of TOM BOMBADIL.

ARWEN

Hi, honey. I’m here to save you.

ARAGORN

Arwen! I’m glad to see you.

But, where’s Glorfindel?

ARWEN surreptitiously kicks some dirt on the bodies.

ARWEN

Beats me.

ARAGORN

Oh well. Can you save Frodo?

ARWEN

Like, fer sure!

ARWEN grabs FRODO and rides like hell.

BLACK RIDERS

Hey, you can’t take him! We stamped

him ourselves!

ARWEN

Like, come get him, dorkwads!

ARWEN steals her FATHER’S JOB and starts the flood herself.

BLACK RIDERS

ARGH! First fire, now water!

Nature sucks!

FRODO passes out and has TRIPPY DREAMS about architecture.

INT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL

FRODO

No, I hate Baroque! What?

Where am I?

GANDALF

Hi, Frodo.

FRODO

Gandalf! Where the hell were you?

GANDALF has a FLASHBACK.

EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

SARUMAN beats up on GANDALF.

SARUMAN

Idiot! Of course I’m evil!

But, because Gandalf can speak MOTH, he catches a ride on one of the BIG-ASS EAGLES OF MIDDLE-EARTH.

END FLASHBACK

FRODO

Um…Gandalf? Hello?

GANDALF

I’m sorry, what? You know I can’t

tell you anything. Say hello to Elrond.

3000 years later, ELROND still looks pissy.

GANDALF

And Bilbo.

BILBO looks like he’s been put in an OVEN for a while.

FRODO

Wow, you got old quick.

BILBO

It’s one of those vaguely disturbing things

from the beginning.

FRODO gets some brief happiness before the really depressing part of the movie begins.

GANDALF

Now what?

ELROND

Now we will have a flashback to explain

why I look so pissy all the time.

The FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK starts again, this time from ELROND’S POV. ISILDUR refuses to give up THE RING. Again.

AUDIENCE

Yes, we know.

EXT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL

LEGOLAS and UNIMPORTANT ELVES arrive.

GIMLI and UNIMPORTANT DWARVES arrive.

BOROMIR and THE OLD GUYS OF GONDOR arrive.

BOROMIR studies the picture of SAURON offering to make ISILDUR Julian fries with his headgear. Then, BOROMIR disrespects the SWORD-THAT-WAS-BROKEN that others obviously revere.

BOROMIR

There, I think that establishes some

tension between Aragorn and myself.

ARWEN

Don’t let him get to you honey.

Let’s have a saccharine moment.

AUDIENCE

<pukes>

INT. THE NOT-SO-SECRET COUNCIL OF ELROND

BOROMIR

I will further establish myself as trouble.

LEGOLAS

I will go on the offense.

GIMLI

I will get indignant.

ELROND

We must get rid of the Ring.

RING

Just try it, Pissy Boy.

GIMLI tries to break the RING, but only succeeds in shattering his AX and giving FRODO a headache.

ELROND

The Ring can only be destroyed where

it was made. In Mordor.

AUDIENCE

That’s convenient.

ELROND

So, who wants to die?

FRODO

I’ll go. Better than listening to

The Ring reciting that damn poem

over and over again.

GANDALF

You’ll need an old guy.

LEGOLAS

And my ability to be delicious without

being fey.

GIMLI

AUCH! And my accent.

ARAGORN

I must go to assuage my self-doubt.

BOROMIR

Well, you need some conflict, so

I’ll go too.

SAM

And if I lose sight of Frodo, I’ll panic.

MERRY AND PIPPIN

Hey, you’ll need comic relief!

ELROND

At least we’ll only lose one elf.

INT. BILBO’S ROOM

BILBO

Do you think I could possibly,

you know, see the Ring?

FRODO

I’m not sure if that’s such a good…

BILBO spontaneously turns into GOLLUM.

AUDIENCE

HOLY SHIT!

FRODO

Okay, time to leave.

EXT. PLACES THEY AREN’T GOING

GANDALF

We can’t go this way.

AUDIENCE

Well, that was a waste of time.

EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

SOME ORC

What does The Eye want now?

SARUMAN

We need to create the mutant from Small

Soldiers and pull down some trees to

guarantee the animosity of the Ents.

AUDIENCE

Cut your nails!

EXT. MORIA, OR THE REALLY BAD PLACE

GANDALF can’t figure out how to open a door.

PIPPIN does something stupid and attracts the attention of EVIL.

SAM says goodbye to BILL THE PONY, world’s most underrated character.

FRODO figures out the riddle that GANDALF missed and the door opens.

AUDIENCE

Turns out, there are LOTS O’ DEAD PEOPLE in MORIA.

BOROMIR

This is not encouraging.

AN EVIL THING immediately goes after FRODO.

AUDIENCE

It’s the giant squid from

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea!

GIANT SQUID traps everyone in MORIA.

AUDIENCE

That’s convenient.

LOTS OF DARK SHOTS.

FRODO

Hey, isn’t that Gollum?

Too bad he’s not dead.

GANDALF

Don’t be judgmental.

FRODO

Yeah, but if Gollum were dead, Mordor

wouldn’t know we had the Ring and

all this would be a moot point.

GANDALF

Shut up. He’s some part yet to play.

AUDIENCE

GIMLI discovers the BODY OF A KINSMAN and get EMOTIONAL.

LEGOLAS

Must…move…on.

AUDIENCE

Really.

PIPPIN does something stupid and attracts the attention of EVIL.

ORCS appear for the FIGHT SCENE. CAMERA switches to BLAIR-WITCH-O-VISION.

NINE PEOPLE utterly kick the asses of dozens of ORCS.

CAVE TROLL bursts through the door.

AUDIENCE

Argh, Harry Potter flashbacks!

YET ANOTHER EVIL THING goes immediately for FRODO.

FRODO gets stabbed.

EVERYONE ELSE

Nooooo!

AUDIENCE

Not again!

Filled with RAGE at FRODO’S "death," EVERYONE attacks the CAVE TROLL. Which dies. Twenty minutes later.

FRODO

I’m not quite dead yet.

EVERYONE runs like hell. They are pursued by the EVIL, RED LIGHT.

GANDALF

Come on, today folks!

EVERYONE runs like hell down the WINDING STAIRS. GIMLI thinks he can make a twenty-foot leap. Right.

The EVIL, RED LIGHT catches up with them. It’s a BALROG.

GANDALF

Aw, hell.

GANDALF stops on the NARROW BRIDGE to keep the BALROG from following.

BALROG

Screw Gandalf! Where’s this Ralph

Bakshi guy?

GANDALF

None shall pass.

GANDALF takes the BRIDGE out. BALROG falls to its demise.

AUDIENCE

Does that thing have wings? If

so, why doesn’t it just fly?

BALROG takes GANDALF out.

GANDALF

I can manage to be insulting moments

away from death.

ARAGORN and BOROMIR drag FRODO away from making a FOOL of HIMSELF.

ARAGORN

Time to run like hell again.

EXT. THE EVEN MORE ENCHANTED WOOD

HALDIR

Stupid dwarf.

GIMLI

AUCH! I must get indignant again!

CELEBORN

I’m a non-entity. Feel free to ignore me.

GALADRIAL

I’m creepy, vaguely threatening, not respecting

of others’ mental autonomy and I look like

Joan Osborn.

GALADRIAL creeps out FRODO.

INT. THE ENCHANTED VILLAGE OF THE EVEN MORE ENCHANTED WOOD

GALADRIAL wanders by.

AUDIENCE

What if God was one of us?

FRODO follows GALADRIAL to check out her MIRROR, VANITY and DRESSING TABLE.

GALADRIAL

Mwhahaha. Want to see something

really scary?

THE EYE OF SAURON shows up again.

EYE OF SAURON

Hello? Anyone out there?

FRODO

My life is going to be miserable, isn’t it?

GALADRIAL

You can take one friend with you, and you

still have your adorability.

FRODO

That’s true. Do you want the Ring?

I feel obligated to ask everyone I meet.

GALADRIAL also puts on a LIGHT AND SHADOW SHOW.

GALADRIAL

Nope.

EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

SARUMAN gives an inspirational pep talk to his ORCS.

SARUMAN

Give ‘em hell in the fourth quarter!

EXT. THE RIVER

ARAGORN

Thanks for the boats!

GALADRIAL gives FRODO light from a STAR and shows off her MANICURE.

GALADRIAL

Same guy who does Saruman.

MANY NICE NEW ZEALAND RIVER SHOTS.

ARAGORN

Look at the Argonath!

THE ARGONATH

Stop! In the Name of Love!

LEGOLAS

We need to stop so Boromir can attack

Frodo and so Gimli can rest.

GIMLI

AUCH! Indignation!

EXT. THE SHORE

FRODO

I’m going off alone!

ARAGORN

Later.

AUDIENCE

Frodo’s not too bright either.

RING

Psst. Boromir. C’mere.

BOROMIR

Hey, Frodo. What’s up? I was

wondering…

BOROMIR jumps FRODO. FRODO uses the RING to escape.

BOROMIR

D’oh!

FRODO runs like hell through the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS. THE EYE OF SAURON makes him fall. ARAGORN manages to show up.

FRODO

I’m leaving. Alone.

ARAGORN

What did that moron Boromir do?

FRODO

Never mind. Orcs!

CAMERA switches to BLAIR-WITCH-O-VISION again.

There is an EXTENDED FIGHT SEQUENCE while FRODO runs away. Alone.

ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI kick serious ass.

BOROMIR tries to protect MERRY and PIPPIN. He does a poor job and REFUSES to DIE. AUDIENCE is either IMPRESSED or LAUGHING.

ARAGORN saves BOROMIR. Sort of.

BOROMIR

Aragorn. I always loved you.

ARAGORN

Um…

BOROMIR finally DIES.

FRODO is ELSEWHERE, trying to escape alone. SAM is too paranoid and too crafty and manages to catch up.

SAM

I can’t let you leave my sight!

FRODO

Oh, for the love of…

FRODO saves SAM from DROWNING.

THE MOMENT

Hi there. Have some emotion.

I’ve got plenty for all.

THE MOVIE ENDS.

AUDIENCE

WHAT!? NOW?!

FRODO

Unless you want to sit through

another six hours.

AUDIENCE

YES!

ENYA ON SOUNDTRACK

Hmm…I just got my tranquilizer prescription

refilled. Must be time to write another album.

(A/N: "Because I Got High" belongs to Afroman. "One Of Us" belongs to Joan Osborn. Please note that "abridgment" is a relative term.)