What *Really* Happened at Helm's Deep
by SkyFire

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*****
What *Really* Happened at Helm's Deep
by SkyFire

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli stood together atop the wall of the fortress at Helm's Deep, resting
for a space in the short lull before yet another wave of Saruman's orcs came to try the wall
once more.

They looked out from the ramparts, seeing the orcish dead littering the ground from the base of
the wall, where they were piled deep, to where the evil army had retreated out of bowshot to
regroup.

Legolas, with his sharp Elven eyes, was first to mark the disturbance in the ranks of the enemy.
"Look!" he said to his companions. "There is something happening!"

Aragorn and Gimli looked to where the Elf pointed, finally seeing what he'd seen; maybe a hundred
hooded and cloaked figures moving moblike and without clear order through the orcish army, which
parted to let them by, cringing away in fear.

The newcomers paused even with the front lines, stood staring around them at army and fortress,
one occasionally nudging another and pointing at something.

The man who commanded the army of orcs went over to stand next to the front rank of cloaked ones,
cautiously remaining out of their direct path to the fortress. He said something to them and
pointed, the three could swear to it, straight at the trio on the wall.

Nearly a hundred hooded heads swiveled to stare at the three, then, with a high-pitched squeal,
the mob charged, throwing off hoods and cloaks as they did, stampeding straight for the wall
below the trio. Each of the stampeding people - both human and Elf - were female. Each was
absolutely beautiful, and absolutely perfect in every way. They ran, some with ominously empty
hands, some wielding leather restraints and feathers. Before they'd taken twenty steps, they
cried out their battle-cry. "LEGOLAS!" came the ecstatic cry from a hundred throats. "LEGOLAS!"

Legolas, upon the wall, shrank back in terror, face bloodlessly white and eyes dark with fear.

Saruman had unleashed his mst fearsome weapon against Helm's Deep.

Mary-Sues.

Aragorn and Gimli watched the charge while Legolas huddled behind them, hyperventilating. They
watched the Mary-Sues' frenzied stampede, saw each new squeal and shout send Legolas closer and
closer to a full-blown panic attack.

Aragorn frowned in confusion as the girls approached the ramparts at speed, not even slowing. He
wondered what they thought to do, as they'd brought no scaling ladders or grappling hooks with
them.

"Don't they know there's a wall there?" asked the equally confused Gimli.

Legolas just whimpered.

Then the Mary-Sues were within bowshot of the wall. The Riders of Rohan loosed their arrows upon
them and the sky grew dark with the shafts. Each arrow found a mark, and each shattered or
bounced off the unarmored Mary-Sues, because, after all, Mary-Sues never got injured.

The runners finally reached the wall, then ran right through it in an explosion of stone
fragments. Once in the courtyard, they spotted the panicked Elf and chased after him as he ran.

Aragorn and Gimli stared, shocked, at the huge hole in the wall.

"No one will believe what happened to it," Gimli said, stiff-lipped.

"Let us say, then, that Saruman did it from afar with his magic," Aragorn suggested.

Gimli nodded in acquiescence.

Someone of the Riders of Rohan sounded the retreat and the warriors of Rohan made their way to
the Deep in an orderly manner, completely ignored by the Elf-chasing fangirls.

Legolas himself, pursued as a hare is by hounds, fled the fortress at Helm's Deep via the huge
breach in the wall and ran for all he was worth. Finally, he reached the Grey Havens west of the
Shire, the Mary-Sues barely a quarter mile behind him, boarded a ship and immediately set sail
for Valimar, where the Mary-Sues could not follow, and came never again to Middle-Earth.

Meanwhile, Aragorn, Gimli, and the Riders of Rohan had barricaded themselves in the Deep and
awaited the next wave of orcs.

END

A/N: Was surfing through the LotR fics at FF.net, trying to find something to read and this came
to mind. Anyone else out there sick of all the Mary-Sue stories out there?