Author's Note: this ones short, but not so sweet. Heavy angst. Massive explosive pain...or not..you tell me

TITLE: THREE LITTLE WORDS 8: DEEP WATERS

AUTHOR: PEJA

FANDOM: the Sentinel

Pairing: Jim/Rafe/Blair, discussed Blair/Nick (OMC), discussed

Rating: R

Summary: Jim chat....Jim secrets....Jim doubts.

Feedback: Do you really have to ask?

Email: daltonavon@yahoo.com

Archive: To the WWOMB. Others ask so I know where its at and I'll agree as long as the entire series, on the WWOMB, is included.

Author's Note: Some people have said this story is violent. I personally don't see it, but just in case...."Ye who enter here, abandon all hope...."

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THREE LITTLE WORDS 8
DEEP WATERS

"He's asleep," Rafe said, closing the door to the bedroom quietly behind him. "Those knockout drops did the job once I got them in him.

"Good," Jim nodded, staring down at the still babe in his arms. "That's good."

"Jim?" Rafe moved quickly to the distressed man's side, his dark glance sliding over the child whose clear blue eyes were focused on something intently. A shudder of apprehension tickled down his spine. "BJ...? Is he....?"

"He's all right." Jim assured him. "One of his spells. A .....song on the radio, I think. He..." Jim shrugged, his finger smoothing jerkily over one soft cheek. "Blair, come on, son. Come back. Look at daddy, Blair."

Rafe slumped down beside Jim, watching the man who continued to softly croon and plead with the child in his arms.

Several minutes later, the babe made a choking gurgle and his eyes blinked. Small hands flailed the air, latching onto Jim's shirt and the baby uttered a soft coo of approval before his lids lowered and he drifted off to quiet slumber in his father's rocking arms.

"The spells are coming more often." Rafe commented.

Jim nodded, staring from troubled eyes.

"And so are yours."

Jim ignored that direction of conversation. "Would you lie BJ down for me?" .

Running an appraising glance over Jim, Rafe took the child, frowning as the larger man wrapped his arms around his waist and continued to rock himself.

Keeping an eye on Jim, Rafe laid the baby in his cradle, draped the heavy black curtain over it, effectively cutting out all but the slightest light and adjusted the white noise generator to the settings Jim insisted on while the child was asleep.

"Jim?" he said softly, settling down beside the other man. "Are you holding up all right?"

"Yeah. I'm okay." The lie was evident in heavily spoken words.

Scowling, Rafe turned on him. "Jim, don't do this. I'm having a hard enough time getting that clam in the bedroom to open up and talk to me. I don't need that crap from you too."

A shuddering sigh tore through Jim's frame. "I don't know, Rafe. I just don't know." He lifted his shadowed gaze to the cradle where his son slept. "Rafe, do we have the right to do what we're doing? Blair..."

"....Doesn't know half of the situation." Rafe inserted grimly. "He doesn't know about the baby's spells. Doesn't know your own....disabilities have forced you out of the department. Dammit, Jim. Its time to come clean with the man. Tell him the truth."

"What truth, Rafe?" Jim rasped. "I told him the only truth that's important. That I love him. What else is there?"

"If you'd stop pretending everything's all right and just told him what you told me...."

"What? What do you want me to tell him? That my senses have been shutting down ever since he walked out and left me? That I'm slowly losing touch with the world? I can't lay that kind of guilt on him." Jim turned unfocused, squinting eyes on the other man. "Rafe, you have to understand. I won't have him come back because he pities me. Or because he thinks he can help me. He can't help, dammit. No one can."

"You don't know that. For Christ's sake, he's gotten you through so damn much. Hid your secrets from the entire squadroom. Hell, I wouldn't have found out myself if I hadn't checked on you after he left. Give him a chance to try and help."

"No, Dammit. No." Jim raked a trembling hand through his short cropped hair. "Rafe, I'm slowly getting trapped in a vacuum inside my own head. What am I supposed to say to him? Stay with me cuz I'm scared? Stay with me until I don't know your here or not anymore? Until the pain goes away, cuz I don't know if it ever will. I don't know how long before I go insane from being locked away from the world inside my head. I just don't know."

Rafe blanched, losing color with each word. "How....How bad is it, Jim? Right now, how bad is it?"

Jim shrugged. "No change. I'm maintaining."

"Christ, don't fucking lie to me, Ellison. You back-slid this afternoon, I know you did."

"Okay, what the hell difference can it make, huh?" Languid hands reached for a cup of coffee on the side table. Fingers brushed over the china surface, "I can't feel the heat in this any more." A tear escaped the veil of Jim's lashes and he ducked his head. "How long is it going to be before I won't be able to see the love shining out of a lovers eyes past the black. How long before my ears shut out the sounds of a lovers sigh, before I can't feel a hand tickling over my skin, or savor the sweet taste of a lover's kiss."

Rafe gathered the older man in his arms. "I'm here, Jim." he murmured, nuzzling Jim's neck. "I'm here for as long as you need me."

Jim's head moved in a nod. "Blair....' He whispered. "and the baby. You'll keep your word about them, won't you? You'll protect them. Keep them safe?"

"With my life, Jim." Rafe vowed. "I swear it."

A tormented sigh ripped from Jim's lips. "I'm tired," he murmured. "Would you take me to bed now?"

QUESTION OF THE WEEK: Does Jim recover control of his senses or should he suffer the Maximum punishment....slow loss of reality, and insanity. Would Blair even care?

Secrets Secrets everywhere and not a truth to share.