TITLE: "ANOTHER FOOL LIKE ME"

AUTHOR: Alison M. DOBELL

FANDOM: "Farscape"

PAIRING: JOHN/AERYN

RATING: NC-17

STATUS: New.

ARCHIVE: Yes. Just let me know where.

FEEDBACK: Welcomed

SERIES/SEQUEL: No. Standalone story

The usual disclaimers apply. No infringement of copyright is intended.


"ANOTHER FOOL LIKE ME"
A "Farscape" story
Written by Alison M. DOBELL


Crais watched Aeryn. Her back ramrod straight, her eyes and face averted. They were alone in command. It was late. After returning to Moya and informing the rest of the crew of the death of Crichton's twin, Moya-John had announced his intention to go after Scorpius. Aeryn and Crais had elected to go with him even though little more than a few emotionless words had passed between them. As Aeryn had walked away Crichton predictably followed her down the corridor. Stopped her with a word, a plea, though she had not turned around. Would not look at him so could not see the look on his face.

"Please - Aeryn. I need to talk to you. Before... you know. I'll be on the Terrace."

Then he had fallen silent and she had walked on, neither agreeing nor refusing. She had given him nothing. There was nothing in her left to give. Now she was on command with Bialar Crais. Could feel his dark eyes on her. "Will you go?"

She did not turn around. "No."

"Crichton will be expecting you."

"I did not say I would go."

"Did you tell him you wouldn't?"

She turned her head a little, catching his eye. "Do not interfere, Crais."

"You know he will wait anyway, don't you?"

She turned away and fell silent again. Crais hid a sigh. He did not envy Crichton.

* * * * *

On the Terrace John Crichton sat and stared out at the stars. A little DRD next to him for company only he did not feel like talking. At least, to anyone but Aeryn. In his heart he knew she would not come but he had to believe there was a chance she would change her mind. After all, tomorrow they would be leaving Moya to take out Scorpius. It was a suicide mission and everybody knew it which was why everybody but Aeryn and Crais had declined the offer. It had been a shock to see her again. At once a joy and the deepest most painful sorrow he had ever known. It was too cruel. To have her back only to lose her to a dead man. Even if the man in question was his twin. Blue waved his light stalks at him and rolled closer. Without thinking Crichton rubbed a gentle hand back and forth over the DRD's shell, as if he was comforting the little biomechanoid droid not the other way around. The arns stretched and he hardly moved. His eyes fixed on his one true constant. The brightest star in the Uncharted Territories. It was getting colder but he did not complain. He wrapped his arms around his knees and rested his head, tears spilling in a soundless river. He shivered. The DRD informed Moya that the human was cold and the temperature was raised a few degrees. He did not notice. Whiling away the sleep cycle waiting for someone who would never come.

"You won't find another fool like me, babe,
No you won't
Who'll sit around all night and wait for you
And close their eyes
To oh so many lies
No one else could love you like I do -
I want to tell you..."
- "You Won't Find Another Fool Like Me' sung by the New Seekers

He thought about everything that had happened and wondered just why it was he always got the shitty end of the stick. He thought back to the good times. And there *had* been good times. The long slow road to earning acceptance. The careful dance that passed as friendship between him and the stiff ex-Peace Keeper Aeryn Sun. Yet she had grown to tolerate him. Even laugh at his stupid Earth jokes. Until the clone. Now he did not even make it to the second eleven. He was the substitute no one wanted. The spare. The guy who got left behind and was forgotten. Until now. He wondered why she was even going with him. Probably wanted to die so she could go and spend eternity with his twin. Anything so long as she would not have to spend another arn with him. It hurt. So damn much it went beyond tears.

"You won't find another clown like me, babe,
No you won't
I can't count the times you said you'd leave
You know darn well you're fooling
'Cause wherever you may go
You won't find another fool like me..."

He did not move when she crept up to the door. She watched him surreptitiously. Knew he was upset. That he was hurting. But it was too much of him to expect her to just accept him. She was in mourning. Would be until the day she died. Why couldn't he just accept that and leave her alone? For the same reason she could not stay away from him. The reason why she had automatically gone and stood beside him when he announced his bartantic plan. She had heard him talking to the holographic image of her John. Listened while he was told what he had to do and why. Knew this one was going to die as well unless she did something. She could not allow that to happen. Even though this was not her John he wore his face. The shock of seeing him had almost broken her all over again. So she had made a promise in her heart to her John and she would keep it faithfully until she died. She would watch over him and protect him. But she would never, ever love him. She left silently. Confident that he would never know she had been there. Blue waved his lightstalks gently at Crichton but he was not looking. His eyes were fixed on the brightest star. Something in him cracked a little further and the tears fell. A hard rain falling. He had known she was there. However silent she was she could not mask the unique scent that was hers' alone. Yet here he sat. Still and unmoving. A lonely figure wrapped in the futility of a heart that could not stop loving. Unable to move forward or go back. Able only to endure.

"Sometimes I can't understand
What makes me the fool that I am
Then you touch my hand
And suddenly I know.
Even though you treat me like a fool, babe
You know you do
I'm so hooked on you I can't get free
Oh but I'll get through the bad times
'Cause in my heart I know
You won't find another fool like me..."

Aeryn went to her room but could not settle. Could not sleep. She cried and paced the room. Started to walk off to the gym to work out her frustration on the punchbag but as she passed Crichton's room she froze. As if in a trance she looked through the open door, saw his few things,
recognised the bag Crais had brought. It was in a corner, probably still packed. Stark's mask rested on top of it. She resisted the urge to pick up the mask knowing that Stark had keyed it only to operate for Crichton. She had never understood the bond between them. Knew it had been forged on that Command Carrier when Scorpius had first caught and tortured Crichton in the Aurora Chair. The Chair. She shuddered. Remembered how he was when they got him back. All that he had been through. That was this John. Also her John. Before the split. Without realising she had done so she stepped into his cell, slowly began to touch and handle his few possessions. Her hand lingering on the odd collection of bits and pieces that had come to mean something to this strange alien being from a distant world. She saw a little crystal that Zhaan had given him and felt her eyes tear up. Zhaan. She had given her life to save Aeryn, knowing that Crichton would not be able to go on without her. It had been her greatest gift of love. All for the love of this John.

Was she so wrong to want to end the pain? To choose not to go down that road again? No, it could not be wrong. It was self preservation. It was a thousand years of Peace Keeper breeding and training. Emotions made you weak. She was a soldier. She could not afford to be weak. Tears struggled to fall from her lashes. She did not even notice them. Then she found it. The lock of hair. Her hand jerked as she touched it. Her's. John had cut it from her head after he had killed her under the influence of Scorpius. Riven and driven to dispair with grief he had taken this last token to carry with him always and remember his one and only true love. Her. She shook her head and tried to steady herself. This John had done that. Had shared so many things with her. Given her so much. Taught her to be more. Yet it was his twin she had welcomed into her heart. She gazed around the little room, touched the bed he slept on. Allowed his scent to woo her into memories now consigned to a past locked in a coffin and fired into a sun. Gone. Everything that was most precious to her was gone. She touched Stark's mask but did not pick it up. Only a couple more arns remained and John was still sitting out on the Terrace. Waiting for someone who would not come. A stab of guilt touched her through the frost of her grief. Tomorrow they would pobably die and it would be a welcome release. But today, now, this microt, they were alive still. Would it be so much to give to sit with him for one last arn? In her silence would he be able to read her apology? To forgive her?

On numb feet she retraced her steps and went back to the Terrace. This time she did not try to hide her approach. Crichton did not turn his head. She noticed he was staring at the brightest star. The one he named after her. She walked over to him and sat next to him. Close but not touching. She heard him sigh gently but he did not look at her. Made no attempt to force conversation from her. The relief she felt was palpable. How had he come to know her so well?

"La la la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la la....
Give me just a sign
You may need me sometime
I fall for that old game you always played by
I want to tell you...
You won't find another clown like me, babe
No you won't
I can't count the times you said you'll leave
Well you know darn well you're fooling
'Cause wherever you may go
You won't find another fool like me..."
- You Won't Find Another Fool Like Me' sung by the New Seekers

She looked at the profile of his face. Saw the tracks of his tears, the sorrow etched into a face she knew better than her own. She resisted the urge to touch him. At last he turned to face her, a light coming on in his eyes that almost choked her. "Thanks."

She did not ask what he was thanking her for. All of a sudden she just knew. As if of its' own volition her right hand rose to touch his tear stained cheek. He did not move. Did not speak. Let her fingers map his face gently, shaking only a little. Her eyes following every contour, memorising him pore by pore. Inhaling his scent and commiting it all to memory. She knew if he died she would mourn him too. He wanted to speak, to say something, but knew this was not the time. He did not want her to get up and leave him. Not in the last arns of peace they would ever likely share. It was not much but he loved her so damn much. It would be enough. It had to be. It was all he had to cling to. All he had left of his heart.

It was a shock to his system when she leaned in and kissed him. His lips parted in surprise and he let her kiss deepen. Watched her look at him a microt then close her eyes, her arms wrapping round him and pushing him on to his back. Part of him wanted to push her off. He did not want her pity but he was weak and even cold contact was better than none at all. Did she even see him or was there only the twin? He did not speak, let her do whatever she wanted with him. He would be Aeryn's until the day he died. Hers to love or discard. Whether she accepted it or not. It felt weird just lying there, knowing she would not take kindly to him trying to love her back. She paused, opened her eyes and gave him a glacial smile of sadness that broke him into tiny little pieces. Aching for her. Heart breaking for her. She placed her fingers up to his lips. A silent plea begging him to say nothing. He gave a slight nod. <Anything, Aeryn> She felt the ice inside her heart melt a little. Could see the love shining through the hurt and sorrow in his eyes and knew he would do anything for her. It made it easier, opened the walls of her grief just a crack for him.

Her hands were hardly touching him, stirring like gossamer against his skin, making the hairs on his arms and chest tingle with their passing as she eased him out of his vest. Slowly she traced his muscles, ran a finger down the light scattering of hairs on his chest, ran her hands down his arms from his shoulders to his hands. He was hairier here, the touch of him sparking off more intimate memories. Ones she had never shared with him. When she got to his hands she paused and turned them over as if seeing them for the first time. A look almost of wonder on her face. Such gentle, gifted hands. She lifted one hand up to her lips and gently kissed the knuckles one by one, then the fingers and finally the palm. She licked her tongue across his palm and felt a shiver go through him but he did not move. As if she was a wild untamed creature that would bolt the microt he did so. She sucked his index finger slowly, progressing through the digits of his hand then rolled her tongue over the pad of his thumb. He lay back, eyes closed, and tried to control his breathing. Let her take her time. Do whatever it was she had to do. What was going through her mind? Was she comparing them? Checking how much more deficient this one was to the one she had lost? As if any of that mattered now. She sucked his thumb then trailing her tongue back to the palm of his hand and on to his wrist. He shivered again. She watched him under half closed lashes, her tongue washing slowly back and forth across his wrist. Another shiver, slightly deeper this time. She watched the rise and fall of his chest, paused a beat, then did the same to his other hand.

For a couple of microts he was left alone and he wondered if she had gone but no, he could still feel her presence, her scent, her proximity. He kept his eyes closed, startled when she undid his boots and eased them off his feet. Then his belt was unbuckled and she undid his pants, the warm puff of air from her mouth teasing his skin as she kissed his chest and began to wash him with her tongue while her hands kept moving to undress him. Another shiver. <Oh God, Aeryn, just do it. Be finished already> The torture was too sweet, the desires in him too strong. It was agony incarnate. He wanted it to end but he also did not want it to stop. He was screwed. He felt his
trousers being pulled off, raised his hips a little. Just enough to help her achieve her objective without taking control from her. Her lips now were on his abdomen, her hands removing his calvins. He was trembling, almost uncontrollably now. He fought to calm himself down. She settled in and washed downward with her tongue, her hands easing his legs apart. He knew he
already had an erection, prayed he would not embarrass himself. Her tongue washed his tip. He jerked at her touch, the sudden wet heat almost too much for him. A moan squeezed from his lips, dragged up from his gut. She kissed the inside of his legs, moving down to his feet. <Oh God, Aeryn, what are you doing? Scorpy would show more mercy than this>

Her hands brushed down his legs then she caressed one foot before moving on to the other. Now she was massaging his frelling toes and he was getting far too wired for this. When her mouth slid over his big toe he bit back a gasp at the intensity of feelings she was arousing in him. She sucked and played her tongue across each toe, her hands doing the same on the other foot. <Oh hezmana, he was not going to be able to last> She released his other foot and drew her nails up the inside of his leg as she sucked his toes. He jerked and felt as if his head was popping. Excitement channeling and spasming through his body as if he had been wired wrong. <What are you doing to me, woman?> Then her tongue was following her hands. She kissed, sucked and lapped her way up his body, her hands stroking and touching him, his mind ablaze, his breath getting hard to control. She increased the pressure of her hands on him as she reached his crotch, her fingers kneeding the inside of his thighs while she licked his weeping cock. He was trembling and jerking uncontrollably now, the head of his penis leaking harder. Her lips engulfed him, she sucked the precum off him and caught her teeth under his cap. His back arched, tense, wound like a spring he could go no tighter.

Aeryn eased him back from the edge. Did not want him to come too soon. Had so much still she wanted to do first. His responses triggering memories of her and the other John back on Talyn. The first time she had loved him and every time thereafter. She wanted to replay them all one last time. She inhaled his scent and smiled at the musky maleness of him. Gloried in the feel of him in her hands. She stroked him gently and, keeping her hand on him, eased herself up so she could kiss him. He could taste his come on her lips. It was driving him mad, crazy with desire, heart aching with too much knowledge in his head for his own good. Mama Crichton would not approve of what Aeryn was doing to her baby boy. No siree. But no one was asking Mama Crichton's opinion let alone her permission. He knew what he would have told her. Aeryn was not like other people, she was not human, did not have their sensibliites or emotional understanding. His sister would say he was just making excuses for her. Was that what he was doing? And DK. DK would be envying and pitying him in equal measure. Now there was an honest male response. He moaned beneath her hand, his breath stolen as she kissed him, his heart bleeding crimson tears while his body cried for her. He wanted her. Needed to be inside her. To love her so completely she would never be hurt again.

Then she broke the kiss and watched his glistening face as he fought to control his breathing, his blue eyes fluttering open and catching hers in their gaze. Her hand on him flexed and he spasmed, his gut tightening. Knew he was on the edge and fast losing control. Aeryn moved down and put her mouth over him then slid a hand under him to caress his balls. She felt the heavy sacs tighten and heard his sharp intake of breath as he momentarily froze while she slid her mouth up and down his aching shaft fucking him with her mouth. Aeryn braced herself and sucked harder, her mouth working him with tongue, teeth and lips until his spine suddenly snapped and he exploded. Hot jism splashing in her mouth and hitting the back of her throat as he came, hips raised and pumping. She swallowed and sucked, swallowed and sucked, not giving him a microt to slow down until she had it all. He was breathing heavily, clothed in sweat. Tired and somehow empty in heart as well. Making love was not a spectator sport but that was what Aeryn had reduced it too. She was surprised that he was still so silent. Not a word broke through. She crawled up his trembling body, sliding against the cooling perspiration, flicking her tongue out to lick him as she did so, sucking and flicking frist one nipple then the other in her mouth as she nipped him with the flats of her teeth before finally raising her head. Still clothed she gazed down at his naked form and ran a gliding hand through his sweat. So beautiful.

He lay with his blue eyes glazed and open, staring up at Moya's ceiling. Tears spilled from his eyes and trapped pain in her heart. Suddenly she felt sorry, ashamed. Wished she could apologise to him, make it up to him but she did not know how. This was not *her* John yet it was still John Crichton. The man she loved. And she had used him as if he meant nothing to her at all. As if he was just a tool for her to pick up and use when it suited her then cast aside when she was done with no thought given to his feelings or what she was doing to him. She called Chiana a tralk but Chiana would never have used him like this. Chiana cared about him. What did that say about
her? Yet how could she do otherwise? Losing her John had been the single most traumatic event in her life and she was not emotionally equipped to handle that let alone face the trauma of the John she had left behind. The one she now used so ruthlessly for her own sick gratification. A morbid momento of the love she had lost. As if sensing her thoughts he spoke. His voice so quiet, so gentle.

"It's okay, Aeryn."

Tears pricked her eyes. How could he be so forgiving? If anyone had done to her half the things she had done to him Aeryn would have shot them. No question about it. Understanding be frelled. What she once would have seen as human weakness she now recognised as his greatest strength. It awed her and frightened her at the same time. She sat up. "Pilot?"

"Yes, Aeryn?"

"How much time do we have left?"

"Just over an arn."

"Fine. Please make sure we are not disturbed."

The com went off. She looked down to find Crichton looking up at her. Gently she wiped the tears off his face and gave him a faint smile. Let him see the emotions she kept hidden from him. A glimpse to ease the burden of his heart. "Rest John," She said quietly as she stroked his damp hair and watched the blue of his eyes focus on her. She bent down and kissed him lightly on the lips. Stroked his forehead gently urging his eyes to close. Draped herself across his chest to keep him warm while he slept. She would give him half an arn then wake him. Then she would let him love her. A small enough gift for all he had given her. After that they would embrace their fate and attack Scorpius. She would fight beside him and if necessary die beside him. But this much she knew. Even if she could not bring herself to love him, she would never leave his side again.

* * * * *
END